#also yeah. i listened to christmas kids on loop half the time i wrote this. rest of the time it was the playlist

[spinoff-antithesis]

RATING: G RELATIONSHIP: Female Pokedex Holder Blue | Green & Silver (Pokemon) SUMMARY: green feels that she has a lot to apologize for. silver, on the other hand, doesn't know how to explain to his sister that he doesn't blame her for anything. EXTENDED SUMMARY:

“I’m proud of you. I don’t know what all happened on your journey,” she starts, looking back at the direction they’re taking, “and I wish you would’ve contacted me before you started working with Lance, but you made it out in one piece and better than I could’ve ever hoped for. I’m just sorry I wasn’t able to be there more for you.”

Silver stares at the back of her head, walking on autopilot.

He wants to tell her that she’s done enough, that he’s sorry for never reaching out until they ran into each other by pure chance. That he’s thankful for her and keeping him together in one piece when they were no more than children and that he wants to get stronger to protect her and keep her from ever having to go through something like losing her family again.

Instead, what he says instead is, “Why did you leave me that night?”

[alolowrites]

The Helpful Elf

Summary: The Hippity Hop Cat toy is the toy on every kid’s wish list this year, including Eri’s. With the toy flying off the shelves, you desperately ask Mirio, the Helper Elf at Hazuki’s ToyLand, for help. And Mirio doesn’t give up, especially when it comes to you.

Author’s Note: Hello everyone!!! Real life is being a pain right now, but I’m so glad I managed to finish this story right on time! It’s pretty long (for me lol) and it’s my first with Mirio so yay!! I also wrote it for the BNHASanctuary discord server’s winter collab (first time I ever participated in any collab), so I’m very excited about this. I’ll link and share the masterlist once it’s up. I can’t wait to read everyone else’s stories :D 

Please enjoy!

Word Count: 2.5K+

With October long gone and December in full swing, it meant one thing—the official start of the jubilant holiday season. Every year, Japan’s most iconic department store in Tokyo, Hazuki’s, transformed its ten floors into a magical winter wonderland. Around the country and around the globe, customers ushered through the doors to catch a glimpse of the glamorous store glittering with festive decor. 

Dazzling lights twinkled around the window displays that stretched around the block. Vibrant ornaments hung high above the ceilings like luxurious bubbles. And pine garlands peppered with red berries wrapped themselves along any rails that ran off forever. 

Hazuki’s was the place to kick start the holiday season and the one place to find everything and anything on one’s holiday shopping list. Especially the highly coveted toy of the year—the Hippity Hop Cat. 

Or so you thought. 

“Mirio!” 

“Huh?” Said man’s elf hat jingled when he looked away from his display. His blue eyes beamed at the sight of you. Mirio chirped out your name as you rushed forward, nearly knocking him over. “Whoa, you alright?” 

“I need your help,” you blurted out, catching your breath at the same time; those pesky escalators were no use at all. Mirio offered to get water, but you waved him off. “No, no…no time for water. I need your help. It’s urgent!” 

“Uh, sure, what can I do?” 

“I need a toy, but not just any toy.” Mirio blinked when you suddenly inched closer to him. You scanned the area as though someone was lurking around to eavesdrop on your top-secret conversation. “It’s the Hippity Hop Cat, you know—” 

“The cat whose hops are out of this world?” 

“Yes, that one!” You clung to his shoulders like a desperate parent trying to find some shred of sanity in this chaotic store. Shaking the blonde man, you begged, “Please tell me you have one in stock?”

“Oh man,” Mirio scratched his forehead as he recalled the inventory from this morning. He glanced at your hopeless eyes and tight fists curling on his work uniform. There was no way Mirio could leave you hanging like this; it didn’t feel right. So he flashed you his famous smile that outshone the star twirling above you both. “Come with me. I’ll check in our system.”

“Gosh, you’re a lifesaver.” 

Mirio humbly rubbed his neck as he led the way to the backroom. You eyed the uproarious floor covered with thousands of toys that rivaled Santa’s Workshop in the North Pole. It was like walking through a child’s dream. Every toy imaginable—dolls, electric cars, robots, board games, you name it—was here. Hopefully, that stayed true with the Hippity Hop Cat. 

The door closed, muffling the sounds of frantic parents buzzing through the aisle. Mirio typed away on the keyboard as you paced behind him. You cursed yourself for procrastinating this long to buy the prized toy. Christmas was in less than two weeks!

“So who’s the gift for?” 

“Oh!” His deep voice pulled you back to the present. You walked forward with folded arms, anxiously hugging yourself. “It’s for Eri, a sweet little girl my next-door neighbor, Shouta, adopted earlier this year. She had a rough upbringing, but fortunately, she’s living with someone who cares for her deeply.” 

“I’m glad to hear that.” 

“Yeah,” you smiled softly at Mirio, making his fingers freeze above the keyboard. That smile of yours took his breath away; he nodded but secretly tried controlling his heart that beat like a bass drum. It was difficult since you were so close to him. “This will be Eri’s first Christmas, and she wants the Hippity Hop Cat; I told Shouta I would buy it for her, helping ease some pressure off his shoulders.”

“That’s really thoughtful of you.” Mirio admired everything about you. He was absolutely smitten with you ever since you started working in the perfume department. Mirio sometimes strolled through the floor during his breaks just to catch a glimpse of you. After scrolling through the computer, the blonde man frowned. “Hmm…looks like we’re out of stock. And the next shipment won’t come until the twenty-first.” 

You groaned. “Man, that’s cutting it close; you think you can hold one for me? I can buy it during my break or after work.” 

“I’ll try my best.”

“Thanks, Mirio.” You squeezed his shoulder, and he shuddered at the touch. Glancing at your watch, you said, “I gotta go before Nemuri wonders where I am. But thanks for helping out!” 

“Sure!” He saw you slip out the door in a hurry; you throw an apologetic smile for good measure. Pushing the elf hat further up, Mirio chuckled, “No problem.”

༛༛ ༛ ༛༺༻༛ ༛ ༛༛

Okay, so maybe there was a slight problem.

Santa Claus was still around town, and Mirio was placed on “elf duty” to help out with the pictures. Don’t get him wrong, the sunshine man adored children as much as the jolly old man who lived in the North Pole. However, Mirio realized he couldn’t guard the Hippity Hop Cat for you. All he could do was pray that one miraculously stayed on the shelf until you bought it. 

A flash went off, snapping Mirio back to his job. He smiled brightly, guiding the kid off Santa’s lap and ushering the next one to the chair. Nearly every parent in Japan was here today, the line looping around the store. Other customers, not visiting Santa, shopped as well, making the place extra crowded today. Yet, none of them were you, and that worried Mirio. 

“Ho, ho, ho, it was nice meeting you, sweetie!” 

Oh right! Mirio needed to focus, but it was hard knowing you weren’t here yet. All Mirio wanted to do was make people happy, especially you. After the sweet story you shared with him, he was more determined than ever to get you that toy. His blue eyes glanced at the bearded man in the red coat—could he help? Who knows. 

As Mirio waved goodbye to each kid, you stumbled off the escalator, face flushed as though you ran fifty flights of stairs. You glanced around the packed floor, dodging an airplane that whizzed by and brushing against the sea of customers to find Mirio. The blonde elf locked eyes with you and flashed a relieved grin; the grueling wait was over. 

And so was his duty with Santa Claus, what luck! Mirio marched over to you, placing a gentle hand on your back and guiding you to the aisle. “I was worried you wouldn’t come.” 

“I’m sorry,” you blurted out, narrowly avoiding getting hit by a robot’s arm. “The perfume department was swamped with tourists and other people. I practically had to beg Nemuri to let me slip away for a few minutes so I could buy—” Turning the corner, you gasped in disbelief at the empty shelves before choking out, “—the toy.”

Mirio blew a low whistle; people were snatching these toys off the shelves like no tomorrow. Still, he wouldn’t give up just yet. “C’mon, maybe there’s some left in stock.” 

“You sure?” 

“Can’t hurt to try, right?” Mirio flashed you a boyish smile, blue eyes brimming with determination. You nodded and followed him through the elaborate maze of this chaotic toy store. 

However, just as you both passed by the cash register, someone bellowed out: “That’s the last Hippity Hop Cat, sir. Thank you for shopping at Toyland; have a nice day!” 

No! You screeched to a halt. Your eyes watched as the man grabbed his bag and left the store with an exhausted but relieved face. Without thinking, you slammed against the counter, scaring the young green-haired employee who clutched his uniform. Leaning forward, you desperately half-whispered, “Please tell me what you said wasn’t true!” 

“I-I’m sorry?”

“The toy!” You frantically gestured to the exit, the man now long gone. “Please tell me you have another Hippity Hop Cat for sale!” 

“U-Um, I, uhh, well,” Midoriya stammered until his eyes spotted a familiar face behind you. The nervous man sighed in relief, knowing he was saved. “Mirio!”

“Hey, Izuku, sorry about that,” Mirio bashfully chuckled and clasped your shoulder to calm you down. The blonde man quickly introduced you to his co-worker, adding, “They’re trying to buy the Hippity Hop Cat, but are you sure that was the last one in stock?” 

“Yeah, it was. I’m sorry.” 

“Oh…oh, okay…” Your shoulders drooped like a sad puppy; you were too late. After saying a quick apology, you numbly dragged your feet toward the exit as a gray cloud formed over your head. A warm hand stopped you from going any further, and you blinked up. “Huh, Mirio, what’s wrong?”

“You alright?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah,” you dismissed his concerns, but he wasn’t convinced; your eyes told a different story. Still, you mustered a brave face with a faint smile. “Listen, I appreciate everything you did. I knew it was a longshot getting the toy, so don’t sweat it, really.”  

“I know, I just,” he sucked in a breath, “I just wished I could have helped you out more. Especially since you wanted to make Eri happy.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll get her something else.” You squeezed his bicep when Mirio opened his mouth to interject; he faltered slightly at the brief touch. “It’s fine, really. I’m sure Eri will love any toy for her gift; I promise.” 

Mirio nodded, watching you leave the store and disappearing within the crowd. You said everything was fine, but he knew that wasn’t true. That fake smile of yours spoke volumes. There has to be a way to get that toy, Mirio pondered, rubbing his chin and staring at the floor with furrowed eyes. 

Suddenly, an idea popped inside his head just as a jingle bell chimed behind him. A white smile stretched across Mirio’s face. The idea was crazy, maybe a longshot, too, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. Mirio whipped out his phone and searched through his contacts until he landed on a specific name. 

The line started ringing...and ringing...and ringing when—

“H-Hi, Mirio.”

“Hey, Tamaki!” The blonde man beamed like the sun. He lowered his voice, cupping the phone for secrecy while walking away. “Listen, buddy. I know you’re busy and all, but I got a huge favor to ask…” 

༛༛ ༛ ༛༺༻༛ ༛ ༛༛

“…you think you can do it?” A small puff of breath floated out of your lips as you stepped away from the revolving doors. You stood beside a colorful window display of tiny elves grinning from ear to ear, their eager hands holding toys for the good boys and girls. One elf balanced himself at the tippy top of Santa’s mountainous red bag, his green gloves clutching the pointy hat for dear life. 

You smiled, appreciating the creative design before saying, “I can close the following week...yeah...okay, awesome, thanks again!”

Crisis one averted. Crisis two was up for debate, mainly because you held a shopping bag with Eri’s gift. It wasn’t the Hippity Hop Cat, but a nice small plushy cat toy instead. You bought it just a few minutes ago after wandering through the aisles at Toyland. The plushy cat toy wasn’t a bad second choice; it was adorable and incredibly soft to the touch. But it wasn’t the toy you wanted to give for Eri’s first Christmas. 

Oh, well, you sadly thought, biting the inside of your cheek. You stared at the elves again, realizing that their costumes matched Mirio’s work uniform in Toyland, down to the funny little hat. Mirio somehow pulled it off well thanks to his bubbly personality and warm heart that could melt the North Pole's snow. 

At one point, you wondered if Mirio was even there since you didn’t see him at the store today. You assumed he was doing inventory, but Midoriya said Mirio took the day off after a last-minute “personal obligation” came up, and it was too important to ignore. Must have been serious, you sighed as the shopping bag rustled against the wind. 

You braced your coat, hissing as the cold air sliced across your cheeks. Yup, it was time to go unless you wanted to freeze out here. Shuffling away from the window display, you stopped when someone screamed your name. Glancing over, you saw Mirio running toward you with one arm waving high in the air. 

“Hey!” Mirio finally caught up to you, his face flushed and nose redder than Rudolph’s, yet he kept on smiling. “So glad I found you!” 

“Whoa, you alright?” Now it was your turn to be concerned, just like he was when you rushed into the store to ask about the Hippity Hop Cat toy. Mirio nodded enthusiastically, squashing your worries away. “Midoriya said you were busy with a ‘personal obligation’ today. Is everything okay?” 

“Oh yeah, everything is great!”

“Well, that’s, um, great.”

“So, listen, about the Hippity Hop Cat toy—” 

“Mirio, I told you not to worry about it,” you butted in, shaking your shopping bag with the plushy cat. “I went ahead and bought something else for Eri and—”

“Ta-da!” 

You went radio silent, staring in disbelief at the surprise. Sitting in Mirio’s hands was the one and only Hippity Hop Cat toy. The number one toy that was on every kid’s wish list, yet rarer to get than Willy Wonka’s Golden ticket. That toy was now only a few inches away from you. 

“B-But how?!” The words finally fumbled through your lips, flickering your gaze between the toy and Mirio while stumbling forward a bit. “It’s sold out everywhere!” 

“Let’s just say I pulled some strings with Santa’s workshop,” Mirio cheekily grinned like one of the elves from the window display. You choked out a laugh, dropping the shopping bag so you could hold the boxed toy; it felt wonderful in your hands.

You looked up with eyes softer than freshly fallen snow. Mirio continued talking up a storm, his arms flailing wildly like an excited kid who discovered something new. The delicate holiday lights flickered around you both, casting a lovely glow that was as bright as the joy twinkling inside Mirio’s eyes. 

They were always so welcoming that, without thinking, you gave him a crushing hug. Mirio froze, his arms hanging mid-air as he slowly processed what was happening. After a few seconds, his shoulders relaxed, and his strong arms eagerly wrapped around you, holding you in place. Even with that thick coat of yours, you felt very soft that his heart soared to new heights. 

“Thank you, Mirio,” you whispered near his ear, giving him another squeeze. But you didn’t stop there. A sudden urge came over you, and in a bold move, you planted a sweet kiss on his cheek. Pulling away, you bit back a laugh at his flustered face. “You really are the best Helpful Elf I know.” 

“Well, you know me,” he shot you a grin, “I’m always here to help.” 

“Is that so?” You tapped your cheek with your gloved finger. “Think you can help me gift wrap this toy, say tonight at my place?” 

“Luckily for you, I’m a whiz with wrapping paper.” 

Mirio’s hand wormed its way into yours, giving you a loving squeeze before joining you on your long walk home. The Hippity Hop Cat toy was the toy on every kid’s wish list this year, including Eri’s, whose first Christmas was officially saved. And it was all thanks to Mirio, the one and only Helpful Elf at Hazuki’s Toyland.

Thank you for reading!!

FicMas Fest 2020 Masterlist

[collecting-stories]

Love at Frost Sight

A/N: This is the Christmas fic that I wrote for my sister after she said “wouldn’t it be great if Jeffrey Dean Morgan was the love interest in one of these cheesy hallmark movies?”. I don’t intend this to be a ‘real person’ fic but I seriously can’t think of any other name for him so I’ve just been using Jeff. 

Christmas Mingle Masterlist

_* ◦ ❅ . ❄︎ * ∙ ◦ . _

Two Weeks Before Christmas 

Audrey rolled her eyes, practically into the back of her head, as she leaned against the monitor of her cash register, Jingle Bells playing for what felt like the fifteenth time since her shift started that morning. She hated Christmas and, even more than that, she hated Christmas shoppers. 

She knew that most people were preparing to celebrate the most wonderful time of the year but she was not. The only thing she was interested in celebrating was the finalizing of her divorce papers, if she could just get her ex-husband to sign. How many years could a person be separated before they took the hint and realized that it was over? She'd felt like she'd been waiting years to hear from her lawyer and with Christmas right around the corner Audrey had the sinking feeling that she was going to be waiting into the New Year. 

As customers neared her lane, she flicked the light off above her till and slipped out, heading for the customer service counter to let them know she was stepping outside for a break. She didn't smoke but if everyone else could get five minutes every time they "needed a cigarette" she should get at least ten for suffering through customers that would've been theirs. It was cold outside anyway, the fact that she was willing to brave the 30 below temperature should be indication enough that this third loop through Sliver Bells was three times too many for her nerves. Maybe she should take up smoking. 

"Cady, I'll be right back." She called, waving to the woman behind the desk. Audrey had been working retail for the last eight months, since the family owned home goods shop she'd been managing had closed down. Ten years with the same company and all she had to show for it was a couple sentences on her resume. It didn't matter now though, whether it was the home goods store or Target, it wasn't what she really wanted to be doing with her time. 

The only shining star in the entirety of her months at Target was Cady, her sometimes carpool and generally the nicest person she knew. Cady knew every Dolly Parton song from start to finish and she loved Christmas, far more than any one person should. She spent half her pay in the so-called Wondershop, obsessed with the glitziest, pinkest, most Christmas-y items there. Her apartment looked like an ad for the holiday and, if Audrey didn't desperately need a friend who didn't also know her ex, Cady's obsession would send her running for the hills. 

"You know what?" Cady's voice came from behind her and Audrey turned around to see her pulling her jacket on over her red Christmas sweater, "I saw this app for the Holidays."

"Oh god, not another holiday dating app scheme. Please, Cads, I really just came out here to be alone for a couple of minutes." Audrey insisted. She wasn't sure she had it in her to listen to some Project Christmas or Christmas Coupling app sell.  

"This isn't like those, don't be such a grinch." Cady laughed, pulling her phone out of her pocket and swiping it open to show Audrey the app she was talking about. It was exactly the Tinder for Christmas, 'meet fun people' nonsense, that Audrey suspected it would be. "You can meet people in your area who 'don't do Christmas' too...it's like a 'hey I need a date for this holiday party' deal." 

"I do Christmas," Audrey insisted, thinking immediately of her mother's impending Christmas Eve party and her brother's Christmas open house, "I just don't do 'cutting down my own tree to a montage of Santa songs'. And I don't need an app, especially a holiday one, to find a date." 

"You should give it a try, maybe you'll meet someone." 

"I'm not really interested in meeting someone." Wasn't it good enough that she'd given so much of her time and devotion to Chris? Did she have to find more of it and give that away too? She had been sincere when she told Chris that she was done. Done with relationships and love and everything that came with it. "Losing another 15 pounds or actually completing those yoga classes I'm paying for, sure, but not meeting someone."

"Maybe it'll shake you out of your funk?" Cady suggested, waving her phone in Audrey's face as if that would do anything to convince her that she should give the app another thought. 

"I'm not in a funk. I just don't like Christmas." Wasn't it enough that she didn't like Christmas? Did she have to have a reason? 

"Just give it a try." She pressured.

Audrey rolled her eyes, once again, at the peer pressure techniques of her co-worker turned friend. Cady didn't have much to complain about in the relationship department. She was dating a guy who acted like she had invented the wheel, he did everything for her all the time and their relationship felt like looking through life with an instagram filter. It was all 'no complaints' and 'everything's perfect'. 

"What's the app called?"

"Christmas Mingle." 

"I hate that so much," Audrey muttered as she pulled her phone out of her pocket and opened the app store. The things she would do to get her friends off her back truly astounded her sometimes. She swiped through selfies that she had stored in her phone, trying to find one that didn't look too tragic to make her profile picture. This was just what she needed at Christmas, a bunch of desperate guys eager to find someone for a couple of meaningless dates. "You might as well sign me up for the Bachelor or something."

"Don't think I haven't thought about it." Cady joked, walking beside Audrey as they headed back into the warmth of Target, the overhead speaker reminding them to do their holiday shopping in store or online. Audrey held her tongue, not wanting to give Cady any more ridiculous ideas about her love life as she finished filling out her profile. Was it too cynical to say that she hated cliche dating apps and holiday themed anything? 

Cady let out a squeal as she peered passed Audrey's arm, watching her best friend press the green ok button, "this is so exciting."

"Come on Cads, this stuff is trash and you know it. No one ever meets their soulmate on these apps." Audrey laughed, pocketing her phone as she returned to her station, shrugging off her jacket.

"Some people do. My cousin met a guy on Match and she loves him." She replied, "besides, maybe you'll get someone you can take to your mom's Christmas Eve party?"

"Oh yeah, 'hey I know we just met on an app where you could be cat-fishing me but why don't we go to my family Christmas party'. That'll be something." 

"That's what it's for." Cady pointed out. 

"Get your light on Audrey." Marci called as she walked by the register, disrupting the two women chatting. 

"It really infuriates me that she's a manager...she's like 12 years younger than me." Audrey huffed, flicking her light on and watching Marci circle back around, that bounce still in her step that Audrey had lost too long ago.

"I'm ten years younger than you." Cady joked. Audrey frowned, looking over at Cady as she smiled back. Everyone else her age felt like they were hitting milestones that Audrey wasn't anywhere close to and the fact that her closest friend was 26 years old just made her feel like she had failed somewhere along the way. Why wasn't she brunching with other moms after dropping her kids at the Y? 

"I know you wanna hang out here until someone swipes right on me or whatever but it's not gonna happen so, you might as well just head back to customer service." Audrey pointed out, knowing exactly why Cady was hovering around her till. 

"Fine...tell me the minute someone does 'swipe right' though okay?" 

"Okay, go...goodbye." Audrey waved her off as a customer stepped into her line, beginning to load their groceries as Jingle Bells started to play. 

Today was going to take a whole bottle of wine if Audrey wanted any chance at all of forgetting that she had given up the last shred of dignity she had left by uploading her profile to a dating app. And a Christmas themed one at that. 

_* ◦ ❅ . ❄︎ * ∙ ◦ . _

Though Audrey hadn't said anything about it to Cady, and she wouldn't if she could help it, she wasn't totally off the market. She had gone on a few dates, nothing serious, and nothing that had paned out so far. Mostly just guys that had her rethinking the divorce because, if this was the dating pool left, maybe Chris wasn't the worst guy on the market. She was so wary of stupid apps  like Match and Tinder because she'd tried them and they had been nothing but a disappointment. And still, she had caved to Cady. Maybe it was peer pressure or maybe there really was a small part of her that was ready to move on, even if she didn't want to admit it. And she really didn't.

Home was an apartment above a law office downtown. Once upon a time it had been in walking distance of the shop that Audrey had managed. A quaint little place on the main street of a town that felt so much like a greeting card. She had started renting the apartment the night after she told Chris that their marriage was over. Just four years into it, he was the same person he'd been when they'd married and somewhere along the line she had forgotten what about that person she actually liked. Was he funny? Kind? Intelligent? Did he tick any of her boxes? She honestly couldn't remember. It was like she'd been living in a fog and when it lifted she just up and left with it. But Chris didn't let go, just like she should've known that he wouldn't, and so she'd been waiting four extra years just for him to sign some papers. 

The little apartment that had been her home for the last four years was devoid of any Christmas decorations, an outward reflection of her inward feelings about the holiday. There was no tree, no lights, nothing to indicate that the 25th of December was more than just another day on the calendar. She kicked her shoes off by the door, sliding her feet into her slippers almost immediately as she padded across the hardwood floor in pursuit of the kitchen and the bottle of red that she had sitting on the counter. Cady had bought her a in-shower wine glass holder and she had never been more appreciative of it than she was tonight. Exhausted and annoyed and happy to be in a room that wasn't playing every Christmas song that she hated. Even the Chinese food place two stores down had a tree in their front window. 

She poured herself a glass of red and headed for the bathroom, happy for a hot shower. Just as she suspected, Chris' lawyer had never gotten back about the papers, which meant that, for a the fourth complete year in a row he was refusing to sign the papers. She knew that by now she could just file without him but something about that made her feel bad, even when she knew it shouldn't. Had it really come to that? Him holding on to nothing while she ran as far away from it as she could? She didn't owe him anything, she'd given more than enough and yet, somehow, she couldn't bring herself to go through the divorce proceedings without him. Maybe Cady was right, maybe she did need to meet a guy. The app had given no notification and honestly, she couldn't be surprised. Her life was not a movie, as much as she wished it was some Bridget Jones rom-com that could assure her that everything would work out. No one was going to immediately respond and be the perfect guy. Kiss a few toads, as she could imagine her cousin saying. 

In the four years that she had come to live in the apartment, even after the shop closed, Audrey had come to love the place. The first place she had ever lived outside of her parents house and a dorm room had been the house Chris had leased for them. It was an amazing feeling, uncompromising, to have a place that was just hers. Just her stuff, just her taste, she didn't have to cater to anyone or listen to anyone. She ate whatever she wanted, wore whatever she wanted, watched whatever she wanted. In all honesty she wasn't sure why she hadn't tried single life sooner. But she knew the one set back, the thing everyone always mentioned, especially around the holidays. Didn't she get lonely? Weren't there times when she walked through that door and wished there was someone to greet her? Didn't she long for companionship? She wasn't so sure she wanted to try companionship again, considering the way it had ended last time. She was afraid, every time she thought about it, that this was just the type of person she was...she would always enter a relationship with her rose tinted glasses and she would always be disappointed when she took them off. 

Her phone dinged from the sink and Audrey popped her head out of the shower and looked across the small bathroom, "And so it begins." She said to herself, leaving the shower running as she stepped out, wet feet soaking the towel she had laid down across the tiles. She walked to the counter and grabbed her phone, wiping the fog so she could see the notification on her screen. A message from Christmas Meet-Cute, someone had swiped. 

She hummed as she scrolled through the guy's profile. He was older, older than her. Single dad to a 7-year-old 'spitfire' named Charlie. Audrey backtracked to the shower, grabbing her glass of wine and taking a large gulp. A kid? Did she want to date a guy with a kid? It was nice of him to lay it all out there and damn, did he look amazing in his profile pic, and sure, this wasn't the start of the rest of her life but did she want to date a guy with a kid? That was not something she imagined for herself at this point in her life. Thirty-six and starting over felt a little too mature to be thinking along the lines of mom, even if there was a step in front of that. 

"Chill out," she muttered to herself, scrolling back through the app to read the message he had sent her. 

_* ◦ ❅ . ❄︎ * ∙ ◦ . _

"Come on Charlie," Jeff pleaded once more, looking away from his phone and the message that was waiting his reply. Charlie, the near spitting image of his father as a boy, was sitting at the kitchen table, eyes trained on his Nintendo Switch. The handheld gaming console sat on top of the notebook that Charlie was supposed to be doing his math homework in. The closer it got to Christmas the harder he was to reign in. "Homework before games."

"But dad...I'm almost done," he whined, eyes never straying from Animal Crossing. Jeff had cautioned his mom against buying her only grandchild a switch for his seventh birthday but she couldn't be persuaded and now he was the one paying the price. 

"We agreed buddy, school first, games second." Jeff insisted, "turn it off and finish your homework."

"Fine." He grumbled, saving the game where he was and pushing the device across the table away from him. As soon as Jeff turned his back Charlie would have the game back in his hands, they both knew it but Jeff pretended to have garnered a win as he looked back down at his phone and the message there. 

It had been almost seven years, almost Charlie's entire life, since Jeff's wife had passed away, and longer still since he had even thought about dating. But he would be lying if he said that he wasn't lonely. That once Charlie turned in for the night and it was just him, sitting up alone, that he didn't long for someone else there. A companionship that a son couldn't offer. He wanted someone in his life again, someone he could share every part of himself with. It was a little hopeful and far too cliche for a man his age but he couldn't help being that way. 

-Hey, how're you?-

It wasn't exactly the message of the century but he still mulled over his response. It felt so casual. Was he supposed to dive right in and ask her out to dinner? Should he even be considering dating a week before Christmas? He glanced back over at Charlie, craning his neck to look at the nintendo switch as he scribbled gibberish attempts at math in his notebook. Jeff took another look  at his phone and answered. 

-Doing alright, I'm pretending I know something about second grade math.-

-Sounds rough.-

Jeff smiled, shaking his head as he placed his phone down and headed back to the kitchen table.  "Alright Charlie, lets see if we can get through this math." He said, pulling up a chair and sitting down next to his son. 

"I got it." Charlie insisted as he snuck his hand across the notebook to reach for his nintendo. 

Jeff closed his hand over Charlie's, "no nintendo, remember?"

"I'm almost at the next part of the game." 

"The next part of the game will still be there." Jeff reasoned as he moved his hand, pushing the nintendo out of his son's reach. "Come on kiddo, homework first."

"Fine."

Charlie's homework didn't take as long as Jeff was afraid that it would and, as Charlie finished the last problem on the paper Jeff grabbed his phone off the counter to check the messages. The 'sounds rough' from earlier was still sitting there, alone, waiting for a response. He worried for a minute, as he typed one out, that the woman on the other end would have moved on. Life online felt like it moved a little too fast for him but he tried to keep up with it, at least in hopes that it would pay off. 

-Finally finished. Not as smart as I remember.- 

-I'm sure that's not true.-

He smiled as the text came right back. Even if this mystery person was talking to other people, and he was sure she probably was, it felt like everyone always was, he appreciated that it felt like she was only talking to him. 

"Dad!" Charlie slipped off his chair and ran into the living room where the tree was. On the record cabinet by the fireplace, the one that was playing an old jazz Christmas album, was Charlie's advent calendar. "We forgot to pick out the chocolate for today!"

"Oh man, what's today's drawer?" Jeff asked, pocketing his  phone again and walking into the living room where Charlie had grabbed a seat on the couch, advent drawer in his lap as he looked down at the two pieces of lindt chocolate. 

"Lindt!" He exclaimed, holding the pieces of chocolate up to his face like they were eyeballs. Jeff laughed as Charlie lowered them again, opening one immediately to eat it. "Lindt is my favorite!" 

"I know." Jeff ruffled his son's hair, "we'll pack the other for your lunch tomorrow, alright?"

"Okay, but don't put it in the front pocket or it'll get squished." Charlie explained, handing over the chocolate and the trash to his dad. 

Advent chocolate was followed by bedtime, changing into pajamas and reading a story, Christmas themed as per Charlie's request, before turning out the lights for bed. Once he was sure that Charlie was on his way to falling asleep Jeff headed back downstairs to finish cleaning up the kitchen. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and took his phone out as he reclined on the couch. These were the moments that he missed his wife the most. He knew it should've been at baseball games or birthday parties but it wasn't. It was once Charlie was asleep and he was alone again, not something he had ever really been accustomed to in his life and certainly not something he enjoyed. 

-Sorry, I had to put my son to bed.-

-No worries, I'm watching some cheesy Christmas movie my friend suggested and enjoying some Chinese food.-

-What's your order?-

-Why?-

Jeff took a sip of his beer as he texted, feeling somewhat like a teenager, staying up late at night to talk to a girl. 

-A bad Chinese order is a deal breaker.-

-Damn, so soon? Ok. S&S chicken and these like, rice noodles. Idk what they're called but they are AMAZING!-

-Thats all? Come on.-

-I'm one person! How much food do you want me to eat?-

-You gotta have leftovers.-

-I know this sounds gross but leftover Chinese for breakfast is like a weird comfort food for me.-

-How would you feel if I proposed right now?-

-Moving a little fast there Jeff? Lol, maybe a date first?-

-Name the time and place.-

_* ◦ ❅ . ❄︎ * ∙ ◦ . _

The mulling was somehow worse than Audrey remembered it being. That gnawing feeling on inadequacy as she stood in front of her closet and tried to piece together some sort of smart but casual outfit that didn't scream 'hopeless' when she put it on. She tried the black dress she'd bought two years ago but it felt too much like she was dressing for a funeral. Red felt too on the nose; a date at Christmastime in a red dress? How much more of a cliche could she make herself? She settled, after all that stressing, on a fairisle sweater that wasn't too loose and a pair of jeans tucked into her favorite chelsea boots. Maybe it wasn't exactly the vibe she was going for but in looked nice enough and she could get away with the french braid that she had resolved not to take out of her hair. 

She had called Cady in a panic. The only friend she could reach out to in her moment of anxious fear that she was making a terrible mistake. She'd been on other dates and she'd never felt like this, which was either a good thing or a terrible thing that she was dressing up for the sake of wanting something she wasn't sure she wanted. 

"What am I supposed to say? Hey nice to meet you, these are the parties I'd like you to date me for?" Audrey asked, walking to the door and then back again in search of shoes that ended up being in her closet. 

"You know he doesn't have to come to my party? I already know you're single." Cady pointed out. 

Audrey wanted to say that she hated Cady's dumb parties. A bunch of 20 somethings hanging onto their high school years, talking about bands that Audrey didn't care to listen to and trying to out  'counterculture' each other. "That's not even close to the point of my question." She replied.

Cady sighed through the phone, "just relax, drink some beers and have a nice night." 

Audrey stopped to look herself over in the mirror, checking her teeth for lipstick. The red popped against her skin and she leaned forward in the dim hall light, "I think my roots are coming in."

"So?"

"So I'm not 26 babe," Audrey replied, "my roots are already greying."

"You're so dramatic, you probably look amazing." Cady was always ready with a encouragement and Audrey chose to take it, promising to call her when she got home before hanging  up and leaving the apartment before she could change her mind about any part of herself or the night. 

Jeff had chosen the place. The brewhouse at the bottom of the hill, where the stores turned into the pike and the neighborhood was even less residential. She walked, which might not've been the smartest decision, especially when she got all the way to the bottom of the hill, slightly out of breath, bundled in the green coat her mom had bought her two winters ago to 'add some color' to her wardrobe. If it wasn't so warm she'd have regifted it. The coat lasted until she hit the inside of the brewhouse and then she was pulling it off, warm from the walk and the heat blasting at the entrance. She scanned the bar for a moment as she folded the coat over her arm, smiling when she recognized Jeff at the other end. He looked just like his profile picture, thick black glasses, the begins of a salt and pepper beard, he was taller than she thought he would be but she certainly couldn't complain about that. 

"Hi," she felt suddenly nervous. She'd been fine to text with him the other night but now, she was feeling like a teenager. But the nerves disappeared almost immediately as Jeff smiled, holding his arms out and wrapping her in a hug. It was warm and friendly and she couldn't help that brief moment of wishing that she could settle into the hug and never let go. But she had to so she did, letting go of him and stepping back just enough that she was still taking up his space just slightly. "How're you?"

"Alright," He replied, "admiring these holiday specials," he tapped the cardboard sign that sat on the bar, advertising seasonal cocktails. 

"I think I'll stick to a beer." Audrey laughed, "I can buy a bottle of something cheaper and make my own cocktails."

"Nothing beats getting drunk at home." He agreed, flagging the bartender. 

"That's my life in a nutshell," she said. "So how does this work, we get drinks and then head upstairs to get seated?"

"Yeah, figured it was more casual that way," Jeff replied. He'd only been to the brewhouse a handful of times, usually with Charlie or with friends but the food was delicious and their beers were top notch so he figured, if nothing else went right, at least he could offer Audrey a nice meal. 

"Works for me," she replied, ordering the same beer as Jeff when the bartender asked what she wanted, "I don't think I've ever been in here, it's so cute. I'm not usually into Christmas decorations." 

"Not into Christmas decorations?" He laughed, taking a sip of his beer. 

"Is that your deal breaker?" Audrey asked, a slow smile lighting up her features as she watched him laugh and shake his head. 

"No, I'll let you off the hook for that one." 

"I appreciate it." Audrey replied. She took her beer from the bar, stepping away and letting Jeff rest his hand on her lower back as he walked them through the small crowd to the stairs that led up to the restaurant upstairs. "I feel like I should ask what deal breakers you do have?" She said as the host led them to a corner table near the window. 

"Not too many." He admitted, "I mean, I've got Charlie so...good with kids is pretty much the standard." 

"I'm not around too many but my brother says I'm a hell of a babysitter," She joked, "I could get you some references." 

"I'll take your word for it." Jeff had an easy laugh, like a wave crashing over her and wrapping her in the best kind of calm. 

Audrey tucked her hands into her lap, crossing her legs as she looked over the menu, "so why Christmas Mingle?" She asked, "who're you trying to get off your back?" 

"Family," Jeff replied, taking off his glasses. He pulled the hem of his undershirt out from beneath his sweater, wiping the lenses off and then holding them up to the light. "I could clean these a thousand times and they'd still be dirty." He huffed. 

Audrey smiled, "my dad does the breathing on them thing to clean them." 

"Breathing on them thing?" 

"Yeah," she reached her hand across the table, "here?" 

Jeff handed his glasses over, the tips of his fingers brushing against hers as she took them. He watched as Audrey took a breath, letting it out and fogging up the lenses. She used the sleeve of her sweater to clean them before handing them back to him. "What's the verdict?"

"Good as new," Jeff smiled. "So what about you? Why're you succumbing to the dating app world?"

"Cause my best friend is 26 years old and drinking in the shower is lonely." Audrey joked, earning another laugh from Jeff, one that sent shivers right down her spine and made her lean forward a little more. "Honestly, I separated from my husband four years ago and I'm just, ready to move on. Sorry, I know that's like-"

"Nothing wrong with that. People change." He replied, an easy sort of understanding that Audrey honestly couldn't remember experiencing before. 

When she had first told her parents that she and Chris were separating they had practically recoiled, the abject horror of their youngest child, their last to be married but seemingly their most in love, calling off the marriage that they had been so happy about. Friends had felt divided and still did, awkwardly dancing around the subject of Chris when they spoke to her, even now. It was a circumstance of that awkwardness that had Audrey ignoring her friends. Cady had only known her after. She didn't know the happiest moments of Audrey's life with Chris, it was easy to get sympathy and support from her. But this was different. The way Jeff said 'people change' made it seem not so taboo, not so horrible, not so worthy of guilt. 

"I was the one who did all the changing, I think." Audrey admitted. "Are you?"

"Charlie's mom passed away," Jeff answered. 

"Oh gosh," she took a sip of her beer, cheeks flushing just slightly. Here she was, feeling bad about being (almost) divorced and Jeff was telling her that he had lost his wife. "I'm so sorry."

"Charlie was, just a baby when it happened. So it's been almost seven years."

"Doesn't really seem like it makes it easier." Audrey replied. "People say it does, but," she trailed off and Jeff shrugged, taking a drink from his beer glass. 

The waitress came around to take their orders, a pleasant lull in conversation that seemed to have advanced too far for a first date. Audrey wasn't exactly sure what made good first date etiquette anymore; whenever she had dated in the past she had always let them lead the conversation and let herself drift off. Now, making an effort to actually talk to him, to ask intelligent questions that felt interesting but not too serious too soon, she felt a sort of pressure she hadn't since she was in her 20s. The last time she'd been on a first date that she wanted to be a second she had gone out with Chris and they were so young and everything felt so exciting. And  this was exciting, Jeff was exciting, but there was a comfortable sort of reality that set around her. A maturity, maybe, that hadn't ever been there before.

"Where do you work?" She chanced asking as they waited for their food. A happier topic; hopefully one less serious. 

"I work at the college, I'm an English Professor." Jeff replied, "you?"

"Well, now I'm embarrassed," Audrey laughed. She didn't feel bad when she was talking to Cady or anyone of Cady's 20-something friends but everyone her age or older had always made her feel unaccomplished. "I've been working at Target for now. I used to manage an art goods store here in town but it folded about a year ago." 

"Is that what you would like to do again, manage an art store?" He asked.

"I would like to actually use my art degree, maybe teach." Audrey replied honestly. "When, uh, when I was married I felt like I needed to be home, starting a family, and now I'm sort of...uh, sorry I'm like unpacking all this on you."

"Unpack away," he said, smiling. 

When the waitress came back with your orders Jeff moved his elbows off the table, leaning back a little to give the young woman room to put his plate in front of him. She asked about refills, promising to bring back two beers and a glass of water for you. 

"So what are these Christmas parties you're trying to rope me into?" Jeff asked, popping a fry in his mouth as he spoke.

"Well, friend Cady-"

"The 26 year old?" 

"That's the one," Audrey laughed, stabbing at pieces of her fish, "she has a party that is...something but I promised I'd go and then my parent's Christmas Eve." 

"I think a 26 year old's party is a little out of my wheelhouse." Jeff admitted, "Not quite sure I'll fit in there."

"I don't fit in there." She replied. Audrey had been to a few of Cady's parties since getting to know her and, if they were anything to go on, this party would be the same. "But I wanna...cut out early." 

"Well that I can help you with." 

"What are your holiday plans?" 

"Family party and work party for my department." He  said, "both boring."

"I don't mind boring," Audrey replied. She couldn't even imagine them having a boring night. Maybe it was a possibility in some world but he just didn't seem like the type capable of boring. "It's so odd to be negotiating this kind of stuff...I mean, I  know that's the point of the app but I still sort of, feel weird."

"Don't think of it that way," Jeff offered, leaning his forearms against the table again, "it can just be casual or we can see where things go."

"The latter sounds pretty tempting." 

_* ◦ ❅ . ❄︎ * ∙ ◦ . _

The lights along the main street outlined the buildings, a warm white glow of Christmas covering the small town. Audrey saw it every night on the way home from work, exhausted by the sight of the shoppers congesting the sidewalk and the lights glowing through her window in the evening when she was trying to relax. All she wanted those days was to find a parking space and get inside her apartment as quickly as possible. She didn't want to meander around the street or walk down to where the giant tree was always set up at the round-a-bout. She barely even wanted to hang a wreath on the glass door that lead to the tiny vestibule at the bottom of the steps up to her apartment. It was bad enough the neighbor she shared the entry way with loved to leave little gifts on her mailbox that she always felt obligated to reciprocate; the wreath was overkill in her mind. 

Tonight she wasn't in a hurry to get home and out of her uniform. She wasn't suffering through the traffic that accumulated on this street or desperately trying to find a parking spot that didn't force her to walk farther than she wanted to. Tonight she was walking down the street with Jeff, her hand tucked in the crook of his elbow as she invaded his personal space. Partially to avoid bumping into anyone window shopping as the stores closed and partially because she was finding herself enjoying the feeling of being close to someone again. Maybe it was just Jeff or maybe Cady was right and she was lonelier than she thought she was, either way she was enjoying the evening more than she had enjoyed any other date she'd been on in the last two years. 

"So, do you go all out with decorations for the holiday?" Audrey asked as they passed the window of a shop with a specifically Christmas display. 

"Oh yeah, we hit all the marks." Jeff replied, "biggest tree in the lot, lights everywhere, wreaths...Charlie gets really excited about the holiday and I've always tried to make it a special time of the year for him." 

"My dad is a big Christmas fan, he even used to dress up like Santa and put all the presents under the tree." Audrey replied, "I think I was ten when I realized that Santa looked a whole lot like my dad in a bad wig."

"I don't think I can pull off Santa...which is probably a good thing, Charlie already has a never-ending list, if he thought I was Santa it'd stretch into next Christmas."

"Smart kid," She laughed, "I just told my dad it was him...I should of thought of extortion." 

"I'll keep the two of you apart then." Jeff replied, "don't want anyone getting any ideas."

Audrey lingered at a window, looking in at the tree that was on display. It wasn't particularly special compared to any of the other window displays, the only real difference being that she was getting close to her apartment and suddenly had the urge to slow down. She didn't want the night to end, as silly as it sounded to say. 

"Any plans for the rest of the week?" Jeff asked, looking into the same window that she was. 

"I need to finish Christmas shopping...not that I have a lot to do, really, just last minute stuff." Audrey replied. "I seriously miss getting a stocking."

"It's not the same when you know what's gonna be in it." Jeff joked, "Charlie insists I hang one but I'm just buying for myself." 

"I buy for myself enough that putting up a stocking would just be overkill." Audrey said, "my apartment's up ahead...do you have to walk back down to get your car?"

Jeff had offered to walk Audrey back up the hill to her apartment after dinner and she had agreed to let him, happy to spend some extra time with him. Now that they were walking again, just a block from her apartment, she realized that he would have to walk all the way back down the hill if he drove.

"I took the trolley to the top of the hill actually," Jeff replied, "I live passed the park, in the row homes." 

"Damn, if I knew that I would've had you bring me some coffee." Audrey laughed, thinking of the coffee shop that sat at the end of the row homes. 

"Next time." Jeff promised. 

Both of them slowed again as they reached the door that led to Audrey's apartment, the evergreen and poinsettia wreath illuminated by the light above the door. Audrey pulled her arm away from Jeff, reaching into her coat pocket from her keys. "I feel like the 'this is me' part is always so awkward." She admitted, brushing a few stray strands of hair out of her face. 

"Only when the date's going well." 

"Are you saying it's not?" She laughed. 

"Oh, not at all, this one is going exceptionally well." Jeff replied, that easy grin on his face.

"Good answer," Audrey unlocked the front door, pulling it open and standing there, holding it with the toe of her boot, "I guess I'll text you." 

"Looking forward to it." He leaned toward her, placing a kiss just on the corner of her mouth, causing Audrey to smile as her eyes opened and she looked up at him. 

"Bye."

-

I don’t really know what to tag this but also...I’d love any feedback!!! 

[johannesviii]

Top 15 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2002

13 to 14 years old. Most of the year was pretty good. Summer was great. But in September I arrived in 2nd (local equivalent of 10th grade), so I was 14 in a class of mostly 15/16 years old students, and I looked so out of place that inevitably, bad shit started to happen very quickly.

Thankfully, it was a damn good year for hits. They say music never sounds better than when you are a teenager, as if that was a bad thing - but maybe they’re right? So yeah, nostalgia is in full force there. This year was so good for music, in fact, that this is a top 15 instead of 10. It was already super difficult to keep only 10 songs before I even looked at the French year-end list, and then I just gave up.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

This list originally had SIX horribly painful cuts so I decided to do some damage control and make it a top 15. There’s still a whole bunch of honorable mentions, though.

Heaven remix (DJ Sammy) - [Insert here rant about Johannes liking overproduced dance garbage full of colors and lights]

Move b█tch (Ludacris) - Just a ton of fun to sing along that chorus.

Whenever Wherever (Shakira) - I claim overplay, but that is still legendary.

How You Remind Me (Nickelback) - Nobody’s gonna disagree if I say they’re a terrible band, but you gotta admit, their first hit was pretty great.

The Middle (Jimmy Eat World) - In a year full of fantastic earworms, some had to stay out of the list.

Can’t Fight the Moonlight (LeAnn Rimes) - Just re-read the previous statement.

Get the Party Started (Pink) - More on that later.

Inch’Allah (MC Solaar) - Not his best song by a mile (obviously; I mean, the guy who wrote a song about making Satan explode into antimatter can’t really top that because nobody can) but still very nice.

Cleanin’ Out My Closet (Eminem) - Yeah, the rethread of The Real Slim Shady is on the list and not this. What can I say, I told you I had bad taste.

Just Like a Pill (Pink) - The last cut from the list. I just really, really liked Pink, can you tell?

This is when I started to listen to the radio A LOT in my room, because my access to the family computer was restricted and radio was basically the only media I still had 100% access to and full control of. Which might explain why I suddenly liked a ton of pop music. Or maybe that year was simply really good. I guess it’s a mix of both.

Also, I still didn’t have a key to the appartment, but I was a lot less supervised when I was outside, and I would sometimes sneak out to go the library or to the disc store.

So... here’s some of the first singles I ever bought, for the record, and also because I think it’s fun to see all of them together.

They’re all on this list, just to clarify.

15 - I’m Gonna Getcha Good (Shania Twain)

US: Not on the list / FR: #67

Well, that was quick. So yeah, I loved this song. The accent meant I couldn’t understand half of the lyrics, but it was still a ton of fun and a delight every time it was on the radio.

14 - Wherever You Will Go (The Calling)

US: #5 / FR: #53

I didn’t love this song that much at the time and only put it on one tape, but it really grew on my over the years. Yeah, it’s your standard 2000s pop-rock song, objectively, but I don’t know. It didn’t have to go that hard with its metaphors. I mean the guy is ready to follow that person into hell and turn back time if necessary. I really don’t know. It shouldn’t work so well but it does for me. Maybe it’s because I’m very literal-minded.

13 - Le Chemin (Kyo ft. Sita)

US: Not on the list / FR: #55

Basically: A Ma Place by Axel Bauer & Zazie from the previous honorable mentions of 2001, except with half the amount of Hetero Drama(tm) and a pop-rock flavour to make it more palatable.

The first hit of a band it would very quickly be super cool to hate in my country (and I do mean very quickly, like a year or so) because everyone (including me, mind you) thought their lyrics were a bit too cringy even for pop-rock songs.

Doesn’t mean I didn’t buy the album and listened the shit out of it for like two years, though. The saddest part is that my favorite single from it by far, Je Cours (”I Run”), isn’t elligible for any list. Dammit.

12 - Murder On The Dancefloor (Sophie Ellis-Bextor)

US: Not on the list / FR: #26

This was a huge hit in Europe and somehow I thought it had reached the US, but apparently it didn’t. That’s a shame.

Also, overplay didn’t manage to kill it for me and that’s impressive.

11 - Complicated (Avril Lavigne)

US: #11 / FR: #83

Loved it, bought the single, loved it even more, and then one of my uncles sent me the album for christmas, and all was nice and good in the world.

For the record, I thought Sk8er Boi was one of the worst songs on the album (my favorite was My World), and I still dislike this particular song to this day, so this is why it’s nowhere to be found here.

10 - Don’t Let Me Get Me (Pink)

US: #36 / FR: Not on the list

You already know that because of the honorable mentions, but yeah, I loved Pink. This was the second album I decided I had to save money for months to acquire instead of just a single and which my parents would probably find acceptable. And this song is the best and it kicks some serious ass, on top of being full of self-loathing and extremely relatable at the time ("everyday I fight a war against the mirror, can't take the person staring back at me"? "I wanna be somebody else"?? Big, big dysphoria mood right there).

No regrets, baby.

9 - Hands Clean (Alanis Morissette)

US: #95 / FR: Not on the list

In just about every list I’ve made so far, there’s one song which makes me think “if I had better taste, this would be much higher”. This is one of these songs. Still love it, still put it on a tape and burned it on a cd. I found the cd in question again yesterday while making this list and it contains, in that exact order: Visage, Evanescence, Kyo, Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark, Talk Talk, Scatman John, Sophie Ellis-Bextor, Shania Twain, INXS, Freur, Alizée, Linkin Park and this exact song by Alanis Morissette. It’s a great little time-capsule of my debatable tastes.

8 - Die Another Day (Madonna)

US: Not on the list / FR: #86

This has the same kind of weird, disjointed beat as Music, but it sounds much more aggressive and sinister. This dropped right when I started to have real problems at school, so it’s a bit difficult for me to listen to it nowadays without having unpleasant flashbacks at the same time, which is why it’s so low on the list even though I listened to it on a loop back in the day. It might be a subpar James Bond theme, and might have dumb lyrics (god the Sigmund Freud line sdfghjhgfdfg), but on its own? It’s great.

Also I loved the music video. My mother, obviously, hated it, which only made me like it more, because, I mean, obviously it did. That’s how it works when you’re 14.

Speaking of which.

7 - Without Me (Eminem)

US: #21 / FR: #11

By that point, it was becoming pretty clear that I would never be able to buy the music I wanted if my parents disapproved of it, so I had to be sneaky and buy every, uh “debatable” single with a second more acceptable single to hide the first one. The one I bought alongside this one was a cover of Désenchantée, sung by Kate Ryan.

Success.

It is, in fact, less good than The Real Slim Shady, and I could only understand about one third of the lyrics, but still. I listened to it a loooooot. Because I actually had that single and not the other one which it was basically referencing to the point of self-parody. And just like the other one, I obviously don’t endorse all the lyrics, and the beat is great.

6 - All the Things She Said (Tatu)

US: Not on the list / FR: #12

Just like Die Another Day this one is a bit difficult to listen to nowadays for me but it’s a monster of a hit nonetheless. Have to say, though: I listened to Not Gonna Get Us even more, which means THAT one is even more linked to bad memories, to the point of basically being unlistenable because it triggers a literal fight-or-flight response with me. Not kidding in the slightest. Still love it though.

5 - J’ai Demandé à la Lune (Indochine)

US: Not on the list / FR: #4

This is one of my least favorite hit songs from Indochine. It’s still #5 on a list where I had to keep 15 entries instead of 10. This is because almost no other song I really really like from them will ever be elligible for these lists and if I can’t put a single Indochine song somewhere, especially from the Paradize album, I will have to punch a wall, dammit.

So here. Have the one in which the guy asks the moon if his significant other still loves him and where the moon answers “dude it’s not my problem”.

I love them and Paradize is an absolute monster of an album which rightfully made them relevant again, from new wave sensations of the 80s to favorite mainstream band for every young French punk/goth kid ever in the 2000s. This is not a diss, by the way, considering I was very clearly in that core demographic. Especially if you look at the top three I made for that year (and for the next one but let’s not get ahead of ourselves).

4 - A Thousand Miles (Vanessa Carlton)

US: #6 / FR: #51

Yeah yeah, you knew this was coming when you saw that pic of the first singles I bought, and you can start laughing now. I know it’s basically a meme now (and a good one, mind you), but sometimes, songs are remembered for more than one reason, and you have to admit that one is still great on its own. I listened to it SO. MUCH. Especially before everything started to go wrong for me that year, so basically this is the sound of “how things should have been”, and it’s so pleasant and nice to listen to it even today. It’s no longer on my mp3 player, but, no joke, I think it stayed on it from the day I bought my first mp3 player to something like 2017. Is it an indicator of quality or yet another indicator of my debatable taste? Probably both.

In any other year, there would be a clear #1 either towering above the other songs or just slightly ahead of the rest. 2002 was so good I can’t, for the life of me, decide which of these next three songs is the best one, even subjectively, in a “hey I like this one a little bit more” kind of way.

So I’m ranking the top 3 according to the lengths I went to to listen to each of these songs at the time.

Let’s go.

3 - C’est Une Belle Journée (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #46

This is what I’d call the Last Great Mylène Farmer Song. Oh she was still making music, pretty great music, in fact, after that. She’s still making decent stuff nowadays, from time to time. But in my opinion, it’s all downhill from there.

Still. This kickstarted my obsession with her at the time, because someone (I still have no idea who that was) was foolish enough to buy me the cd for Christmas. This is also why it’s #3 and not higher; I didn’t have to work at all to listen to it.

So... This is a song about killing yourself, disguised as a bouncy energetic pop tune. And it works horribly well. It’s very vaguely sinister but if you don’t listen to it very closely, it’s nearly impossible to notice what it’s actually about (translation here), and it charted super high and for a super long time without any controversy in its wake.

As I said: all downhill from there, because... how do you even top this?

2 - Lose Yourself (Eminem)

US: #63 / FR: Not on the list

You probably guessed this was coming. I’m not sure what the consensus for the “best Eminem hit song” is nowadays, but that one has to be pretty high on the list. And it’s also kind of a meme because of the spaghetti line, I know, but still, quality, man. The most important thing about it in the context of this list is that it was juuuuust slow enough to allow me to understand most of the important parts with my still-limited English, and I loved the little story it told. I remember trying to put it on a tape for days and waiting for it to pop up on the radio and instantly pressing Record after the first note.

And of course I wanted to see 8 Mile and I couldn’t, but a few months later, the local book/dvd/music store, which had screens broadcasting scenes from new stuff they were selling, had a screen with a few battle rap scenes from 8 Mile on it, and once I noticed I stood in front of the screen for a long time in silent admiration. What can I say, I was an angry little thing, and seeing angry people fighting each other in ways where no-one gets hurt was very satisfying and cathartic.

1 - In the End (Linkin Park)

US: #7 / FR: Not on the list

The music video had hilariously bad cgi even at the time, just to clarify. But yeah, that sound right there had the perfect balance of color, energy, sadness and anger to be the hit of the year for me back then. And I could understand nearly all the lyrics! I. Loved it. The local library had Hybrid Theory and I listened to it so. MUCH (my favorite song on it was actually One Step Closer (singing CAUSE I’M ONE-STEP-CLOSER-TO-THE-EDGE, ANDI’MABOUTTOBREAK felt great) and I thought Crawling was a bit embarrassing). Thank god that library didn’t have fines if you returned your stuff after the due date because I had to wait until I was able to make a copy of it first. The “parents-proof” “”cryptic”” label I wrote on said copy wasn’t particularly cryptic, though, and I’m gonna share it with you right now because that’s kind of funny.

So what do you do when you’re 14, pretty sure you understood the whole song, are finally able to listen to the whole album, burn it on a cd, and listen to it way too often? You write down the lyrics, painstakingly, with a fountain pen, in a small notebook where you try to write down the lyrics of every single song you love & can understand entirely. That’s what you do. Of course.

When I stopped doing that in 2007, there were two notebooks like that. I lost one of them, apparently, but the one I was able to find already had 63 songs in it. I finally had my own internet access later that year and I could find all the lyrics I wanted whenever I wanted, and I stopped doing that once and for all.

But it helped me get a lot better with English, so in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

So yeah, In the End?

Loved it and loved that band. I still do.

Next up: wow, “all edge no point”, uh?

[backtothestart02]

25 Days of Westallen Fanfiction: Day 16 - Better Than Christmas

A/N: Can you say...pre-series (the year before PAE in my personal headcanon of this fic) love confession on Christmas that reminds me an awful lot of @wintertruffles‘ fic that she wrote for me last year for the WA Secret Santa exchange, but I swear only has a couple similarities and the rest is very different? I never get enough of this premise. I hope you enjoy my take! Almost 4k words b/c this thing took on a life of its own, and I LOVE IT.

Enjoy!

*Many thanks to @valeriemperez for beta’ing.

...

Iris’ warmth beside him was ecstasy. Her wool sweater with the penguins playing in the snow with winter hats combined with her red sweatpants and fuzzy socks made him think of home and happiness. Sitting with her on the couch, looking up at the Christmas tree with its blinking lights and dozens of ornaments, a few professionally wrapped presents under the tree, and the smell of eggnog in the air as the fire blazed, effectively shutting out the cold. Joe wore a scarf anyway and two layers. Barry wore his typical big red sweater that Iris loved to snuggle into. And God, if Barry didn’t just love Christmas time because of all of those things.

But he wasn’t next to Iris on the couch admiring the beautifully decorated Christmas tree right now. He was in the kitchen baking Christmas cookie with Joe because Iris’ specialty was decorating the tree – and also, her talent in the kitchen was lacking unless it came down to slicing and dicing, which to her credit, she was great at.

Every so often Barry would peak out into the living room and watch her decorate the tree. He’d taken care of the lights and the garland. She would always beg him to help her put up the ornaments with her, but she also wanted him to bake cookies for her and so he was doing the latter as fast as he possibly could. Still, he yearned to see her. He always liked seeing her. She was beautiful, and he was in love with her.

“Hey. Bear.” Joe walked over to him, though he didn’t notice until the man was waving his hand in front of his face. “Earth to Barry?”

Barry blinked, blushed a bright pink and cleared his throat, ducking back into the kitchen just as Iris was turning to quizzically look at them.

“I, uh, I thought we were done, Joe.”

Joe eyed him suspiciously, and Barry wondered if he knew. He’d been careful not to show his feelings for Iris too openly. She’d never guessed, so he assumed no one else had either.

“With one tray, Bear. We have four more to go.”

Barry looked over to the counter and the bare cookie trays spread across it.

“Oh. Right. Sorry, I must’ve just-”

“Son, are you ever going to tell her how you feel?”

Barry’s face went white as a sheet.

“I…um…what?” his voice rasped.

Joe barely suppressed rolling his eyes. He did lower his voice though.

“I know you’re in love with my daughter.”

“What?” Barry’s voice squeaked.

“I’ve known it for a long time, and I approve.”

“Y-you do?”

“Are you kidding me? Who else better to take care of her than the boy I raised, the only man I know who comes close to loving her as much as I do and treating her like the goddess she is?”

Well, she is one, Barry thought to himself.

“There’s no one else I will ever trust her with as much as I trust you.”

“Joe, this is a lot…to take in.”

So much so that he was feeling the need to sit down, and quickly.

Not only had he failed hiding his feelings from Joe, but Joe was eager to get him and Iris together. It was reassuring to know he wouldn’t have to win him over and that at least one person thought he was worthy of Iris as a romantic partner, but it still was happening faster and more suddenly than he’d ever expected it to. Truth be told, he hadn’t expected it to happen at all. Actually obtaining Iris’ affection seemed like a far off dream that would never come true. He certainly never expected anyone to encourage that goal, let alone Joe, Iris’ father and the man who had raised him since he was eleven.

“Look, I’m not trying to overwhelm you, Barry,” Joe said, coming to stand next to where he was leaning against the counter. “I just…I’ve seen how you felt about her since you came to live with us, since before you knew what the word ‘love’ meant.”

Reluctantly, Barry looked up into his eyes.

“And I’m telling you, she has no idea how you feel.”

Barry wrapped his hand around the back of his neck and rubbed the skin there – a nervous habit.

“I…I know,” he said, nearly a muttered breath.

“You have to tell her.”

His eyes flashed back to Joe’s.

“W-What? Joe, no. She won’t- She doesn’t feel-”

“She does.”

A scoff spilled past his lips.

“You can’t know that, Joe. I mean, has she said that she does?”

“No. But-” Barry shook his head indignantly, but Joe continued, determined. “She might not know her own feelings, but she will if you tell her yours.”

“Joe, no. That doesn’t make any-”

“Just tell her how you feel.”

“No!” His voice escalated unknowingly. “I’m not going to risk our friendship over feelings she might or might not have.”

“Is everything all right in there?” Iris called out, and Barry reigned in his temper.

He knew Joe had good intentions, but what he was asking of him was absolutely ridiculous. It just wasn’t that simple. If Iris hadn’t shown interest in him all the years they’d lived together, him telling her how he felt now wasn’t going to change that.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.”

“Are you suuu-” She came to a stop in the doorway and instantly felt the testosterone coming off both men in waves.

“Yep,” Barry said, forcing a smile onto his face. “I just wanted to come help you decorate the tree and your dad insisted I stay in here to bake cookies.”

Iris looked relieved. Barry didn’t know if she believed his excuse, but it didn’t matter. She was going to let it slide, and she was going to get him out of the kitchen. He knew even before she reached for his hand and pulled him toward her that was what was going to happen.

“Give Barry a break, Dad.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you can handle the rest of the cookies by yourself.”

Taking the lead from his pseudo-son, Joe’s face had smoothed over and his frustrated eagerness cooled to more manageable degrees.

“You’re right. Of course. You two have fun.”

Barry didn’t dare look behind him as he and Iris left the kitchen. He could feel Joe glaring a hole into the back of his head.

…

Half an hour later, the tree was fully decorated – well, except for the star. But Joe would put that on later just before dinner. It was their tradition every year, and there was something very comfortable about tradition. It felt safe. It was nice.

Iris plopped down beside Barry on the couch, snuggling close. He tried to relax into her, but his conversation with Joe in the kitchen kept going on repeat in his mind. He hated that it had happened because it was ruining a moment he would’ve otherwise indulged in. If this was the only way he could have Iris, he would take it. It was great. It felt almost perfect.

Is almost enough for you? After what Joe told you?

But Joe was only guessing. He wanted them to be together, so he made himself believe they had mutual feelings for each other. That wasn’t the same thing as actually having mutual feelings.

He guessed you had feelings, though.

Barry ignored that line of thought.

“It’s so beautiful, isn’t it?” Iris said, starry-eyed as she stared up at their masterpiece.

Barry wrapped his arm around her, forcing Joe’s words out of his mind. He was going to enjoy this moment. It only came once a year.

“You did a great job, Iris.”

She snorted and poked his chest with his finger.

“We did a great job.” She continued before he could insist otherwise. “Only half the tree would be decorated if you hadn’t helped me, and you know it.”

He smiled slowly. “I guess my height does come in handy.”

She sat up enough to turn and face him.

“You come in handy, Bear. I won’t have you saying otherwise.”

Oh my God, she’s so close.

Maybe she wasn’t really. Maybe it just felt that way. But everything inside him was aching to kiss her.

Don’t do it. It will change everything. And not for the better.

That voice was annoying, but it was also probably true. He knew he needed to listen to it or he might very well ruin Christmas for both of them. The awkward tension next Christmas if he caused that now just might kill him.

“You have really pretty eyes, Bear. Did I ever tell you that?” she asked, sifting her fingers through his hair.

God, she was going to kill him. She was so touchy-feely with him, so handsy, and so innocent about it. It nearly drove him crazy. If she only knew.

Well, she won’t know unless you tell her. He heard the words in Joe’s voice in his head and knew they were true too.

And therein lie his dilemma.

“Not recently,” he teased, needing to lighten the moment before he went insane, before he got a hard-on with their knees touching, her thighs pressed against his, and her cinnamon fragrance absolutely intoxicating.

“Well, they are,” she continued, unthwarted and completely unaware. “Sometimes I wish I had them.”

He gawked at that.

“W-why? Your eyes are so pretty, Iris. They’re beautiful. I’ve never seen such beautiful eyes.”

He was babbling now, but he didn’t care. How Iris could ever think she was anything but the most beautiful was a mystery to him.

Her eyes twinkled in amusement though, and he knew he’d gone a bit overboard.

“All right, if you insist,” she said, and fixed his hair so it was as it had been before she’d started playing with it. Then she repositioned herself so she was snuggled up against him again, this time with her arm looped through his.

He didn’t know how he suppressed a sigh honestly, but when Joe came in a while later, Barry saw the look on his face and felt the pressure. Joe wanted him to tell her so bad. He didn’t know why the urgency had come on so suddenly, but he knew he was going to be feeling it until he told her. Maybe Joe thought Christmas would be the perfect time to tell? Regardless, he did feel guilty about snapping at the man. So later when Iris was asleep against him and most of the cookies had been eaten, and it was just Joe and Barry watching the Christmas tree and listening to the fire crackle, Barry spoke up.

“I’m sorry, Joe,” he said quietly. “About before. I didn’t mean to-”

“I know,” Joe said, and Barry had a feeling he did. “I was wrong to push. I just want you – both of you – to be happy.”

“We are happy, Joe.”

“Not as happy as you could be.”

Barry opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.

“Look, if you’re not ready to tell her, I won’t push anymore. But please think about it. Maybe it wouldn’t work out, but I really think that it would. I think you owe it to yourself to give it a shot.”

Barry didn’t say anything, but he nodded. Then he looked down at his sleeping Iris and wondered hard. He still felt very strongly about everything he had said before, but in this gentler setting, a flicker of hope came to life inside him, and he wondered if it was possible that Joe could be right.

“I’m going to bed,” Joe said a while later, and came to press a kiss to his drowsy daughter’s face.

“Mm, what? No…Dad-” Iris protested, reaching for him.

“I’ll see you in the morning, baby girl.”

Her arms fell short and she murmured an ‘I love you’ and an ‘okay’, snuggling back into Barry and drifting back to sleep, her hand clutching his warm, red sweater.

Barry and Joe’s eyes met once more before Joe left. A nod, an understanding, and a ‘Merry Christmas’ passing their lips, even if it wasn’t quite midnight.

Barry fell asleep once for about forty-five minutes before coming to again. Iris was still sleeping against him, and he decided that maybe she might regret the arrangement if her back was out-of-sorts in the morning.

“Hey, Iris.” He gently shook her when she didn’t so much as budge. “Iris.”

She moaned a little. “Mmm, no, let me sleeeeeep,” she whined, then sighed contently against him and snuggled closer, the side of face fully pressed into his chest.

Of their own accord, Barry’s fingers tangled in her hair.

“It’s late, Iris.”

“It’s Christmas, Barry.”

“You’ll thank me in the morning after you’ve slept in your own bed,” he said, more firmly this time.

Reluctantly Iris roused herself and lifted her body off his.

“Why are you so eager to get rid of me, huh?”

His eyes widened. “Iris, I’m not. I’m just-”

“I know, I know. Doing what’s best for me like you always do.” She sighed, getting to her feet, running a hand through her hair and straightening out her clothing so she wouldn’t be walking with her seams sideways or her socks slipping off.

“Iris-” he tried, but she waved him off.

“It’s okay, Barry, you’re right.” She yawned. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

He wanted to go after her. He should have gone after her. It was the perfect mood, the perfect lighting. And on Christmas Eve? What better time to risk it all, to risk every Christmas after this one if she really did feel the same?

But she was so tired. It probably wasn’t the ideal time to be making confessions of love.

So, he let her go, and he told himself he should go too. But as luck would have it, he ended up being too tired himself. He pulled a blanket off the top of the couch over him and fell asleep in the light of the Christmas tree.

…

The next morning when Iris came down the stairs, she was struck by the sight of Barry sleeping on the couch. She shook her head at his sleeping form, doing what he’d insisted she shouldn’t do.

Unbelievable.

She knew she should leave him, despite his hypocrisy. But she couldn’t help it. She went and sat on the floor in front of the couch and trailed her fingers up his arm hanging over the side of the couch.

“The itsy bitsy spider…”

“I love you, Iris,” Barry mumbled in his sleep.

Iris chuckled to herself.

“I love you, too, Bear. Even if you are a bit of hypocrite.”

“I love you so much. Kiss me.”

His lips parted, and Iris’ eyes widened. Barry’s eyes were still shut, so he had to still be dreaming. She wondered what he could possibly be dreaming about. The thought suddenly occurred to her that he might be having a wet dream. About her. Her body’s first reaction to that possibility was to get hot all over, and for her a dampness to gather between her legs.

Iris tightly pushed her thighs together, willing the sensation to go away.

That’s weird, Iris. He’s your best friend. You can’t- No. Stop it.

But he really was very handsome – hot, some people might say. Girls in her class, for instance. She remembered feeling some type of way when they would giggle and talk amongst themselves about Barry whenever he would come to meet up with Iris between classes at CCU. At the time she’d decided they were mean girls, unworthy of her best friend, just like Becky Cooper.

But now she wondered… Was it jealousy?

She tried to stomp down the feeling, but she couldn’t ignore what she’d felt last night either. For the longest time she stared into his eyes. It felt like an eternity. And she could’ve sworn he wanted to kiss her. She’d stretched out the moment deliberately just to see if he would. The fact that he hadn’t should’ve proved to her that her suspicions he might like her were wrong, just as they had been her entire life. Surely he would’ve made a move by now if he was actually interested.

And there was nothing wrong with him not being interested. She certainly wouldn’t want to ruin their friendship. The only person she depended on more than Barry was her dad, and even that was pretty much tied.

No, it was probably better to let this slide and ignore whatever Barry might be saying or doing that could be interpreted differently than what was obvious to the naked eye.

Barry’s eyes blinked open. Hazy with sleep, Barry’s voice was husky. It turned Iris on. There was no getting around that.

“I-Iris?”

She smiled slowly, shoving down the feeling.

“It’s a little hypocritical, don’t you think?”

“Huh?” His brows furrowed, confused, not registering what she was implying.

He’s so darn cute.

“Telling me to get off my butt and sleep in my own bed and then proceeding to sleep on the couch yourself?”

He was silent for a moment, then, “Oh.”

She rolled her eyes.

“And not only that, but before you woke up just now, you were mumbling in your sleep.”

That seemed to wake him right up.

“What did I say?”

She shrugged nonchalantly, though her cheeks felt hot as coals.

“Oh, you know, just the usual…that you love me sooo much.”

He swallowed hard. “Yeah?”

“And that you want me to kiss you.”

She met his eyes. Her mouth suddenly felt so dry. She couldn’t look away from him if she tried. His stare was so intense she thought she’d die if she looked away.

Was he gonna kiss her? Was he gonna kiss her? She thought she’d die if he didn’t.

She didn’t want to speak, didn’t want to break this crystalline, fragile moment, but his name slipped past her lips anyway. Or, at least it started to.

“Bar-”

He leaned over the edge of the couch, most of his body still level enough that he didn’t fall off. And Iris was close enough that he didn’t have to lean far. He didn’t hesitate once he reached her, not for a single moment, and Iris wondered if he’d wanted to do this for a while. If he’d dreamt about it.

His lips were warm and soft against hers. The pressure was sweet and made her feel all tingly. It was the simplest of kisses, but she let him pull back, so he could say something if he wanted to, even though every part of her wanted to grab his face and devour him.

“I do love you, Iris,” he said softly. “I’ve loved you for…so long. And I haven’t told you because-”

“I know,” she said, nodding. “I understand.”

“What about…” he trailed off, then licked his lips. “What about you?”

Iris thought about it, wondered what she truly felt. She certainly loved him like family, though she’d never really thought of him as family, certainly not in a way that would make her see him as her brother or cousin or any other kind of relative. She’d never thought that. But she felt safe with him and protective of him. She enjoyed spending time with him, and she liked touching him a lot. And right now, there were few other things she wanted than to make out with him right here by the Christmas tree on Christmas morning.

“Iris?”

She smiled tentatively, then draped her arm around his neck.

“I think I love you, too, Bear.”

Her small, pretty smile was nothing compared to the thousand-watt one that spread across his face.

“Yeah?” he asked, his eyes bright with happiness. He was so very awake now.

“Yeah,” she giggled, then scooted closer and kissed him again and again and again.

By the time Joe came downstairs sometime later, Barry was sitting up on the couch and Iris was straddling him, kissing him with a fury that stole his breath. And Joe West groaned, causing them to break away.

“Dad!” Iris shrieked, but Barry said nothing, a lazy grin on his face he couldn’t suppress.

“Well, I guess you told her,” Joe said on a sigh.

Iris’ jaw dropped. “You knew?”

He ignored her. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, Barry Allen-”

“You told me once,” Barry retorted, to which Joe shrugged and headed back towards the stairs.

“Wait, Dad! You don’t have to-” She tried to climb off Barry’s lap, but he sensed the movement and held her in place, making her brace her hands on the top of the couch, startled.

“I really think I do,” Joe said, continuing up the steps. “I’m still tired anyway.”

When they heard his bedroom door shut behind him, Iris turned back to Barry and playfully smacked him.

“I can’t believe you!” she giggled.

He only grinned. “You’re beautiful in the morning, you know that?” He tucked a lock behind her ear, then sunk his fingers into her hair.

Iris shivered beneath his touch. “Only in the morning, Barry Allen?”

“No,” he said and pulled her closer, nuzzling her nose before stealing a kiss. “All the time. Always. You’re always beautiful.”

One kiss after another. Iris sunk into each and every one of them.

“I have a Christmas present for you.” She tried to pull away.

“I like this one,” he said, pulling her in for another kiss.

“I’ll do you one better,” she said, leaning back enough so they’d tumble to the floor if he tried to lean forward.

“What’s that?” he asked, resigned to whatever fate she’d decided to deliver him.

The question sounded simple enough in her mind, and she knew he’d say yes. She was just suddenly very nervous to ask it. Would he tease her? Would she tell her she was being silly?

“Iris?” he asked, concerned, breaking through her self-doubt, and she knew she was being silly. Silly to doubt him ever.

“Will you be my boyfriend, Barry?”

His literal gasp followed by the look of awestruck wonder in his eyes, the unshed tears of a boy in love staring straight at her like she was the reason science made sense.

“You have to ask?” he rasped, and she knew right then she loved him.

She loved him. She loved him. She loved him.

She kissed him hard – but just barely because she was smiling so much.

“I’m so excited, Barry. So happy. This is the best Christmas gift ever.”

Her eyes dazzled when she pulled away, and he was smiling so bright he looked like he might burst.

“Not as happy as I am, Iris,” then stole another kiss. “Not by a long shot.”

And they kissed a while longer as dawn crept into day and sun shone through the front window. And after a while Barry made pancakes and Iris stared dreamily at him as he did.

“My boyfriend, the cook,” she said, not realizing until he turned to look at her that she’d said it out loud. She was too embarrassed to take it back. And the smirk he sent her way melted her insides.

He finished up their breakfast and delivered it to her. Her eyes lit up at the display of deliciously smelling food, but before she could dive in, he tipped her chin up, leaned down and kissed her.

“Better than pancakes,” she murmured against his lips.

“Better than Christmas,” he countered.

She didn’t disagree.

...

*Also posted on AO3 and FFnet.