#also whoops apparently i will take any excuse to elaborate on my romana feelings :)

[magicofthepen]

I can't remember one scene in particular but knock the ice from my bones is a constant presence in my mind and the line about, like " 'I am not Unit 117,' she said, and that was the end of that story. // it was not the end of that story." is like a gutpunch to me bc that's it, like the trauma the way it changes her doesn't end there, she's forever Unit 117 to the Daleks but also it's not the end of that story bc it's not the end of her growth, the story still goes on!!!!

ahh thank you!! I can’t remember exactly when I decided to use “I am not Unit 117. I am Romanadvoratrelundar” to frame the fic, but it was definitely around when I decided that identity was going to be the driving theme. I wanted to open with “I am not Unit 117” because it’s this defiant declaration, you can’t take who I am away from me - but the reality is much more complicated than that (exactly like you said, the way trauma changes her doesn’t end there!). This fic is all about her struggling to figure out who am I after Etra Prime (hence “it was not the end of that story” - one simple declaration can’t sweep away her identity struggles after her imprisonment).

I also loved opening the fic with the “not” part of the quote, because I was going to spend most of the fic exploring her struggles with all the things she’s not. She’s not the President she used to be. She’s not the friend of the Doctor’s she used to be. She’s not a hero, she’s not fearless, she’s not okay. Saying she’s not Unit 117 is one thing, but that doesn’t mean she knows who she is. (Which is also why she never uses her name in the narration. The word “Romana” only shows up seven times in the whole 11k word fic, and three of them are connected to the scene where Leela uses her name, three of them are when she’s referring to the abstract Idea of Who Romana Is (e.g. What does she want Romana to mean, here, now?), and once is the final line. To use her name would be to claim a sense of identity, and that’s exactly what she’s struggling with.)

But in that line at the end - “I am Romanadvoratrelundar, she says, and the next chapter begins” - I use the other half of that TAE quote as an answer, an affirmative statement. It represents how she’s starting to build a sense of self in the aftermath, even if it’s not the one she had before Etra Prime, even if it’s messy and not entirely stable. Even if Romana now isn’t the same as Romana before.

And yesss I loved using “this is not the end of her story” as a positive thing near the end! At the beginning, “not the end” is a reminder that her pain doesn’t go away just because she escaped. At the end, “not the end” is a reminder that no matter how much she’s hurting and struggling to reclaim a sense of self, there is hope for the future. so ahh it’s really cool to hear that that duality came across and stuck with you!!

what’s the most memorable scene from any fic of mine you’ve read?