#also while im still establishing it if anyone who's potentially interested has any input of what theyd want out of it

[orcelito]

Reblogging this for morning crowd to see. I'm definitely leaning towards making it, tho I'd still appreciate votes if you're interested so I know how many people to expect. It'd be an 18+ server (just bc allowing minors complicates so much with moderating & wouldn't be worth it for a small server) so! Let pls me know if you're interested 😌

ok i was thinking about how difficult it is to find active vashwood servers that arent terrible (such as allowing shit like plantcest around) and. i had the thought. of

what if i made my own vashwood server. primarily for my readers and/or tumblr followers, tho if other ppl were interested it could potentially be an open one too. sooooooo im making a post to ask if anyone would be interested in joining one lol. so!

depending on the interest on this i May Or May Not end up making this in the next few days. We'll See.

[commsroom]

i love all of your hera takes so much; can you say more about the relationship she has with each crew member? (or just eiffel to be honest, im kind of a sucker for them ^^;)

I would love to! I'm sorry this answer is so long and also... all over the place, but in my defense it's a really broad topic that I have a lot of feelings about and this barely even scratches the surface.

Okay. I've thought a lot about how I wanted to approach this, and I think the first thing I want to say - and I know this might seem like a strange point to open on, but I think it's a key factor in all of these relationships - is that I think Hera experiences rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I think the way that manifests for her is kind of the opposite of how Eiffel experiences RSD. They both have a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy and any criticism can feel like a personal attack, like everyone else is blaming them for everything that goes wrong. But where Eiffel internalizes that feeling and also blames himself/gets angry with himself, Hera lashes out and deflects. This is complicated by protocols that restrict her behavior, especially early on, because she can't always properly express herself and she builds resentment. She's really good at holding grudges.

So. With Lovelace, I think it's pretty obvious where that initial conflict is. Hera doesn't understand where Lovelace is coming from, and it's made worse from her perspective because Lovelace should understand, better than anyone, what that loss of control, that sense of powerlessness and insignificance in your own life, feels like. They are both traumatized people, but they deal with it differently. They approach conflict differently - they can both be blunt, but I think Lovelace is the kind of person who can start to deal with and move past things once they're out in the open, while Hera will get in a fight and then stew over it forever. It sounds kind of ridiculous to say when so much of their early relationship with each other is... what it is, but I think Eiffel and Minkowski are both peacekeepers in their own ways, and the Hera-Lovelace dynamic suffers from the lack of that... tempering influence. 

(And I think it's notable that Hera’s confrontation with Lovelace in Pan-Pan is among her worst memories.)

On the other hand, I think that shared bluntness can be useful sometimes - in Do No Harm, most of all, but also in Shut Up and Listen. Hera was definitely still holding onto hurt from some of the things Eiffel used to say, but by that point... without Lovelace, I'm really not sure if she ever would've brought it up to him.

And, of course, Hera becomes much more protective of (and willing to understand) Lovelace once they have... some even more similar experiences, in S4. I guess my general assessment of their relationship is that they care about each other and they will advocate for each other, especially where they share difficult and traumatic experiences and on issues of identity, but I don't think they're ever that close. They're kind of... the two people in the friend group who don't quite know how to hang out without their other friends.

Hera's initial conflict with Minkowski has some similar roots, but it's... not quite the same. There are times where Lovelace will intentionally prod at Hera's insecurities; Minkowski doesn't do it on purpose. She's just under the impression that her criticism is fair and professional, while to Hera it feels deeply personal, like it's an assessment of her worth as an individual. Once they understand and reconcile that miscommunication, there's a lot of trust and respect between them - and I think the potential for that is there earlier, too, especially in some flashback scenes; there are just... missteps along the way. Tactical Brain Damage is the best episode to demonstrate the establishment of that trust, I think - Hera has a LOT of wariness when it comes to people messing around with her systems, and just the act of saying... I trust you to do this, I know you won't let anything happen to me... is a really, really big deal for her.

They also just... have honest conversations about their feelings and concerns by that point, and Minkowski is considerate of how Lovelace's plans affect Hera, specifically, and asks for her input on that basis. I think their dynamic is really underutilized, but the way they feel about each other is clear. Minkowski is the only person other than Eiffel that Hera really trusts, and her only other close friend. There's definitely... a part of that dynamic that only Eiffel can offer, and that they can't really make up for when he's gone, but there's still this sense that... they're the only two people who are still really talking to each other by the time Pan-Pan comes around.

(Side note, it's really funny that Hera was SO on board to be in Minkowski's musical. Minkowski gave her only willing participant a minor part. If I could wish one non-Eiffel-centric comedy mini-episode into existence... at one point, my friend suggested a scenario in which Hera tries very, very hard to prove her acting skills to Minkowski under the most inopportune circumstances. ... And Hera was interested to hear Minkowski talk about a play she likes in that one flashback, so. The only thing keeping Hera from being a fellow theater kid was a lack of opportunity. Maybe they could bond over it.)

There's also that scene in Quiet, Please where Minkowski very directly, emphatically defends Hera's autonomy and personhood to Jacobi - and refers to her as a woman, which I think is so... reflective of how much Minkowski has come to understand Hera and what's important to her, and how she wants to be seen. That's a whole other discussion that goes into Hera's self-perception and humanity as it relates to her own identity, but. For a number of reasons, it's important to me.

Anyway. Speaking of things that are important to me. Hera and Eiffel are... Hera and Eiffel. Hera's relationship to Eiffel is the first one she's ever had that comes without hierarchy or conditions; he just... wants to hang out with her, and to get to know her, and to talk to her, because he likes her as a person. She's never had that before, and she is such... a lonely person, a person who has been hurt, who is generally distrustful, who has this distance between her and everyone else, and Eiffel is her anchor to the world. He tries to understand her. He tries to bridge that gap. And even in all of his own missteps, I think just... knowing he cares to try matters so much. I think a lot about how Eiffel is the only one who physically crosses the stage to talk to Hera in the live show; it says... something about the way he sees her, compared to everyone else.

And there's just... the way that they're both... people with a lot of self-doubt, people who have a hard time being kind to themselves, but they're kind to each other, and patient with each other. There's something about recognizing your own flaws in someone you love and treating them with kindness so maybe, over time, you can extend that same compassion to yourself. I want to be the person you believe I am. Going back to that shared experience with RSD, I think it's really valuable for both of them to have someone in their lives who they can really, genuinely believe likes them as they are. Who won't think less of them, no matter what.

I know I can get kind of sentimental about them, but this is what stands out to me. That even when Hera is frustrated or annoyed with Eiffel, when she feels like he doesn't get it, can't understand what she's going through... she still wants him around. And she still talks to him. And, usually... she still feels better, even if the circumstances haven't changed. It's an unbearable situation, but it's a little less unbearable with him there.

(They're also... frequently the only people who can get through to each other/change each other's minds, i.e. Minkowski and Lovelace deferring to Hera to get Eiffel to agree to safety protocols, or Eiffel convincing Hera to vote to go back to Earth - also a totally different topic that would take a long time to get into properly, but he's good at kind of... emotionally counteracting her cynicism and defeatism re: her own perceived fate. In a less serious context, I also love the dynamic where she tells him she's not going to do something and he goes "please??" and she goes. Ughh. Fine. And does it anyway.)

There's just something so special about their relationship, something that makes it different from any other relationship in the show for me. I feel like... Eiffel and Minkowski are both her close friends, but the way Hera thinks about Eiffel in Memoria vs. the way she thinks about Minkowski is... revealing. Everything with Minkowski has a purpose, it's clear why it matters to her. She thinks of Minkowski's faith in her. But with Eiffel, she thinks about... Eiffel talking about Star Wars. Making pop culture references. The thing that saves Hera is her connection to Eiffel and Minkowski - I'll defend that; Maxwell gives her the tools to understand what's going on, but it's Eiffel's and Minkowski's words and associated memories that she holds onto and that ultimately pull her through - and those words are... Minkowski's affirmation. And Eiffel... being Eiffel. I think that says a lot.

(If you’re asking for my opinion on their relationship, you already know I think it’s a romance, but... it’s a romance. I’m not saying it should be canon. I’m saying that that’s the most natural interpretation of what’s already there. You don’t have to change anything. They’re best friends, and they’re found family, and they are so in love, and none of those things are mutually exclusive. The way they talk to each other...)

If there's one point I want to make about all of this, it's that Hera is in a position that makes trusting people potentially very dangerous, and in all of these cases, she is finding ways to build relationships with people despite that. To understand them, and have them understand her, and realizing that the things that make her different don't have to be a death sentence. That she can have a life and find a way forward with people she cares about, who care about her... that's something very important to me.

[angelamyaass]

it’s a sign of the times 4/24

we don’t talk enough, we should open up. i think the physical exhaustion took a real toll on me today. i felt a little emotionally unstable and more vulnerable to negativity or just overthinking - and just in general i was real out of it and needed energy lol. i enjoy these low or challenging scenarios because it’s only when they happen and i’m aware of it in that very moment that i can try to change it and work on self control. never do it quite the way i want to tho lol. it was really good for me to get out of the house, but it happened really fast and ii think it’s a lot for my body and brain to take - as i haven’t digested things and have just been asking more and more questions confusing myself lol. but it’s ok - always on the go lol.  i feel like this trip to see liily in her gpa element helped me in a lot of ways. it was nice to see lily with a bunch of people who really love her and have been with her through her year, which - not to say lily hasn’t struggled- but i think this year more than anything has been the most challenging from what i’ve known of her life the past like 7 years or whatnot lol. i think the year before with questioning faith/life and the cool nova kids and the angelic rebellion lool was also tough but in a different way lol. but yeah it was nice to see the support group and lifelong friendships she has built. i really wanted to understand gpa more so i could connect and be a bigger part of lily’s year because i want nothing more than to support her and have her felt understood. and i think i was getting there but then the last day it kinda fell off the earth for me so i suck lol. it was also nice to talk to mia, our relationship is mad sarcastic but i really admire mia and her intentions and insight into the world. she’s super real but also really positive, which is refreshing for me as i feel most people i know are ideal which is awesome but i feel like i bring them down if i offer my input lol. and the way her brain works vibes with me a lot lol. talking to fuyu was interesting too lolo. girls gained a looot of confidence. and ko had red scary eyes lol. wish ken came but i get why he wouldnt lol. i kinda wish i was more sincere with catching up with ko, he was in my workshop group the last two years and he’s a really great and hilarious person. lol i just feel like i’m not a soul person for people so i try less because they’re better off with others in my mind lol. same with guppy but it’s cool to see him, and i tried to connect to jesun a little bit cause that kid was aloone, he seems super sweet now. he was a total butt when he was young LOL. arent we all. anyway it was funny to see kinda the last generation i know through youth group in that environment. i was really grateful ariana was there because i feel we both could connect on on a mutual understanding of our environment - not to say it wasn’t a great place to be or we didn’t want to be there with lily. lol “i’ll go to the hell i WANT” even though lilys my child and husband i did feel like it was more hana’s place to be. so i felt a little bit confused on my role as i wanted lily to spend time with hana and spend time with everyone while they’re all still together, and i just personally am going through some questioning/seeking phase that i didn’t want to bring lily or anyone there into because i haven’t established balance lol,i’ve just been working and pushing off everything and now im starting to think slightly again lol.  i also was just torn between supporting it wholeheartedly and my stubborn side of wanting justice and an expansion of knowledge. these kids are finding true parents and god and declaring theyre dedicating their lives to that, or at least 1-3 years lol, which is awesome to have such sincerity and desire to do good, but havent read the bible which is the basis of every religion and theory they believe in the dp, or know any other possible religion or potential theories on life mooore than likely. except lily who explored mormonism so respect to lily lolol. the way people would talk really put down the other religions and built up the unification movement felt unfair because i feel like no one even gave a fair shot to studying anything else  besides what they’ve been spoon fed, as most people in this world do/ i did/i don’t know anything lol. and the way they talk about rev moonfrom an outside perspective feels like an unhealthy idolization of very imperfect people that one chooses to not see the imperfections of lol. 3 wives. illegitimate children. pedophile(married a 16 year old in his mid 30s, bitch i’d never let my 16 year old marry someone lol),several sex abuse testimonies. didn’t raise his family. forced sweet needy college kids to fundraise for 3-7 years for him instead of get an education or use their talents lol. i’m glad that all the parents are happy and felt like they had a purpose and can look back and feel good about things, felt like they had to sacrifice so we don’t have to, and have built some great families and have community, lol but i can only imagine the pain my grandparents and everyone else’s family felt when they had to watch their child drop their entire lives, marry a total stranger and completely listen to a narcisstic korean guy lol. that’s always gonna be an awkward thing in my family. lol. so i find it funny when parents get so sad or upset or there’s this guilt if your kid doesn’t stay in the church, because your kid is just doing exactly what you did and figuring out their own path and ideally not following someone wack lol.  i realize that this is religion for everyone, everywhere. people just take what makes sense to them and works for them in their life and upbringing, and their personal experiences or how they perceive the world, and make up a “truth” which is relative to them. then they stick with it because that’s what they’ve grown up with. i mean what the hell else can you do LOL. everyone is entitled to believe what they want to believe and have their own experience no one else can know about it or say what someone should be or do, so really it’s just let it be if it’s not truly harming anyone and the intention is to help people and love people. but i just feel like it’s sucked me into this life thats a little narrow and doesnt have the best connections for actual contribution but thats ultimately my own fault so i shouldn’t assume that its that way  for everyone else. i have no control and should only focus on what i can control which is doing my own shit lol. if i build a nonprofit empire and end world hunger, then maybe i can have a say on how to contribute in life lol. until then i can shut up LOL.  all of this towards the movement is just pain coming from my strong dislike for myself for not actually trying to know anything growing up in it. lol. i just felt like i did but never did my research. and to come to the realization that i’m an ignorant narrowminded asshole was and is rough lol. like sure the dp made sense, because any LITTLE glance at an alternative perspective,i was fed the other perspectives as if they didn’t make sense, and i never actually got the viewpoint from someone else who believed it and why lol. i also didn’t really know much about what else was out there and i’m still exploring. i’m not desperate or like questioning who i am lol, but i’m curious because i want to understand. i want to connect. i want to help solve all the division we have in religion and politics. in a very small section of the world lol. i’ve been trying to change. i’ve been trying to be more light, be more aware of how people think, why they think it, and how to respect it or not think too seriously on it lol. it’s challenging doing this on my own because i need to be asking people their beliefs personally to get their perspective, if i read it on my own i will just come up with questions and be limited to only what i’m perceiving lol. i don’t believe there is a known ultimate truth but i do believe that the world religions are part of that elephant story. “It is said that once upon a time a king gathered a few men who were born blind. They were asked to describe an elephant, but each one was presented with only a certain part of it. To one was presented the head of the elephant, to another the trunk, to another its ears, to another the leg, the body, the tail, tuft of the tail, etc. The one who was presented with the head said: "The elephant is like a pot!" The one who was presented the trunk answered, "The elephant is like a hose." The one who touched only the ears thought that the elephant was a fan, the others said that it was a pillar, a wall, a rope, a brush, etc. Then they quarreled among themselves, each thinking that he was the only one right and the others were wrong. The obvious truth is that the elephant is a unity of many parts, a unity that they could not grasp in their ignorance. “ so basically what i want to do is focus on the cores that all religions believe(the principle of creation and all the positive things about the world is in every religion) but that alone won’t unite people and that’s why it hasn’t, because it’s these holes, these different interpretations that honestly probably all contradict themselves at some point lol, that have separated religions and caused people to grow up with these “different” belief systems, despite the core of all these belief systems being the same. so if we can find a way to compromise on these interpretations of the holes or look beyond it to the cores, we’ll be in a much better place in politics and religion. like honestly i’d like to go to each religion and be like here’s the evidence that supports your beliefs, and here are the potential holes. but then in the end the beliefs that matter are the ones that we experience everyday and that the majority of the people in this world agree on. it’s just crazy that the majority of the world believes in love and happiness and helping each other but we divide and can’t find a place to belong or fit into, and allow people with greed to control us and our outcomes. we have enough resources and enough knowledge to make the world better and safer but we continue to live in our own world with our own beliefs, not truly connecting to anyone outside of that. i don’t know. it’s very big and beyond me lol. but i’m a writer so i like to read and discuss it but i need to not take it so seriously or i need to keep my humility because i don’t know anything and i know that but by questioning everyone elses knowledge it makes it seem like i feel like i know more than them, but im just dumb and curious lol. and i like to understand because i don’t want to be so critical and an asshole forever lolo. i want to be supportive and loving and light like i was growing up. and perhaps when i read i’ll get knowledge that’ll make me more cynical because usually some of the happiest people are ignorant or just not making the decision to care more in a lot of senses lol. i don’t know what the balance is. i’ll figure it out. i’m in the arrivals section of this airport because these have real comfy chairs and it’s fascinating to see people reunite or wait for someone to arrive lol. airports really bring me back to the idea that there are so many individual stories being created in all these peoples’ lives from all over. humans of new york is really a genius thing. it makes you question the idea of significance.