#also wheezes @ that nol n fic!dion joke says 10 MONTHS AGO

[newty]

How could I not? lol blue light new 💎

@asamis-jodhpurs also asked for this one! it's is also a refresh of something much older. i mentioned it in my 2023 writeup under a 'shame' line, but the draft is called 'blue light' bc eli encourages nol to kiss him so nol pushes him into a stained glass window and they make out. i'd always intended for them to walk away from that glass and have sex, but since its their first time its just so. so so goddamn complicated. my wip is very all over the place.

there's a LOT of up and down in nol's disgust and joy (before we even get to the bed) with the disgust being very internal and the joy being more external--so elliot doesn't immediately see that nol is going thru a p extreme self-hatred episode (lbr what's new)

so i didnt want to write something that was uncritically 'i hate my body (it hurts & wont let me die), my appearance (ugly burn scars everywhere), my life (god hates me & war sucks), and my sexuality (sex is bad, sex w men is worse)' without balancing it with SOME levity jfc nolanel

For a moment he wondered how life could come to this: his chest beating against another, a tongue like holy fire in his mouth, love spoken in soft moans. A murky shame trailed through him, indefinable and weak, and he dismissed it by freeing the word in his heart. "Yes," he said, as candid as a prayer.  Elliot leaned against Nolanel and softly pushed him into the shadows. He separated his body from the blue gleam and offered it to desire.

i think i use sex too often as a catalyst moment for a perspective change, and im not beating that allegation here, but nol really needs it LMAO in the end i think ill weight the next morning with the bulk of nolanel's meltdown. he's going back to war and there's no way brucemont is gonna let him get away w positive character development after a few days home.

ive written two things already that stand under a similar conflict, ie 'is while getting off rly the time u should be contemplating guilt & social responsibility,' and one is ch2 of "the light i hear" (i made a joke abt this fgjdhfjg). the other is "will it rain," which is still a fav of mine: