#also wanna point out the fact that this drama only has enough budget for 3 osts and slayed all 3

[dramaaddict]

The Blossoming Love

This is a rant post coz the promotions for The Blossoming Love SUCKS SO BAD. Starting with that title which is so generic and basic with both most overused words in cdrama titles 'Blossom' and 'Love'. The direct translation for Chinese title is "Thousands of peach blossoms bloom forever" which in my opinion is still not very good but it's longer and most importantly DISTINCT.

And then the posters. I'm pretty sure I've seen this exact same type of posters for other dramas. Nothing about these posters are appealing to me. I even thought the first one was a poster from another drama of his coz look.

The latest released poster and the photo shoot they did are so much better. I think it has something to do with the colors but I'm not an expert so I can't say for sure.

If they just want to show the vibe of the earlier parts, a poster like this

or if they can't add in a kiss in the poster coz you never know with Chinese censors something like this would work too instead of those.

AND THEN THE TRAILER. I've seen people watch it and saying it's just another "Journey of the Flower" type drama (understandably) but it makes me wanna scream IT'S NOT DON'T COMPARE MY XXC TO THAT WIMP. But the trailer sucks so bad if I just saw this first I wouldn't be interested too. Like who made this atrocity, I just wanna have a talk.

Another problem is people watching just the first few episodes and judging the whole drama based on them. It's just sad. TBF, If I haven't already seen the posts from @dangermousie and @fake-married-my-dead-fiance (Thank you guys so much) I too would have thought it's another generic Xianxia with so call "Righteous" ML (who is actually just a hypocrite and a coward who judge other based on their identities instead of their actions or don't dare go against traditions/others and never even question "the righteous way" when he clearly knows it's anything but that.) And this type of MLs disgust me the most even more than someone like Li Cheng Yin. (OP gods who aren't allowed to feel are another type although they're not bad just frustrating which Shen Li made it work last year.) That's why the "Good Guy" MLs have always repelled me in Xianxia but this drama makes it work. This is the first time I find the Righteousness of the ML extremely attractive.

Tell me how to not fall for this.

This drama don't have big names with large fandoms backing them while airing at the same time as THREE other dramas with traffic stars in them. Youku don't do anything to promote it properly either.

I want to see more posts about this drama, people discussing it, posting about specific scenes or drama watching threads but it's really difficult to find since so few are watching this. I won't blame it if you truly don't enjoy it since everyone don't have the same taste but please at least give it a chance. You can even watch it by ffing. If you still aren't sure and don't mind the spoilers check out @dangermousie and @fake-married-my-dead-fiance posts about this.

P.S- This is the exact scene that convinced me that I'm 100% going to love this drama and it's in ep 1 btw.

Disclaimer: I'm not a good writer and this post is not very organized coz it was a sudden impulse. I just wanted to write out my frustrations after seeing a video about it.

Update: This trailer also sucks.

[kpopmakesmequestionmylifechoices]

Kingdom Round 3: "Plagiarism", rigged voting and fanwars.

[Disclaimer: It is possible that for fans of certain groups I'll come off as offensive. I like each of the groups, I possess albums of TBZ, SF9 & SKZ, and I watched HOURS of content/debut programs of ALL the participating groups. Nevertheless, I will ALWAYS say my honest opinion. If you want to fight me, you're ofc allowed to do so but I hope you're all mature enough to not feel offended by opinions.]

Act 1: Tbz, where do your ideas come from?

So what I've noticed is that there's a massive difference between tbz behind the scenes and other groups'. Not only in this episode. So far, tbz simply DID NOT show how they create ideas, stages, how they practice. They picked a song, fooled around, and then met up with RTK members. It was cute sure, but it had NOTHING to do with the stage. The other groups showed practice scenes, showed their ideation process, showed who taught them and how. The boyz didn't. No practice, no ideation. Only song choice. We didn't see them practicing the choreo, we didn't see how they even got the idea for this stage. Their behind the scenes footage sadly has NOTHING to do with their performance. I really wish we could see them practicing and coming up with ideas.

Another big problem I see with this, is that they literally don't explain where their ideas come from. Now for people who know Game of Thrones (GoT hereafter), it probably appears rather obvious that the previous and also this stage was inspired by GoT, right? The white walkers? Ice and fire? The throne? The freaking red wedding??? I can't be the only one who sees a connection between their stages and GoT. ATEEZ said they were inspired by Pirates of the Carribbean. SF9 said they were inspired by film noir and showed how they worked with an actor on their storyline. iKON explained how they associate inception with dreams and put together their ideas. But TBZ didn't freaking talk about any of this. Either it was never recorded, or it never was aired. In any way, it's extremely suspicious in my eyes. Moreover it's just pretty shit to not say where your idea comes from. Especially not when you even name your stage after the iconic red wedding... Now IF they were NOT inspired by GoT, then it would be some... extremely huge coincidences... especially the stage title is just a bit too much tbh. But more to that stage later.

Edit: It came to my knowledge that according to deobis, Cre.Ker will post the content after Kingdom on tbz social media. Whoever took that decision needs to be fired tbh. If the content will be released, I'll link to it and add some few words to it.

Act 2: The good, the bad, and ... All hail king Juyeon?

Let's talk about the performances now.

SF9: What I dislike is the fact that as I stated in my previous Kingdom post, they are forced to do such dramatic musical/movie stages to even be recognized as part of the show. Moreover, I found it weird and unfitting that they held guns during the group dance parts, to me it seemed a bit off. Also, at times, their energy level seemed a bit low.

What I liked is that even tho it was a MASSIVE set, the performance still was extremely easy to understand and follow. They all looked insanely good tho, SF9 simply is mature and manly. I liked the concept, it was fresh because it for once had no fantasy vibe but actual criminal mafia energy. My favourite parts were Jaeyoon's fighting scenes because they were very well choreographed. Altogether, I really enjoyed it and also found it interesting how they referred to the Boyz crown scenes on RTK.

The Boyz: In my eyes, this is already the second GoT inspired concept they did. Not a fan of this. Moreover, I'm a bit pissed that it looks as if they are selling all that as their own ideas. As I said before, I believe this is GoT inspired, the name at least definitely was - but it's never said that the inspiration comes from there, because we literally have no information about where their ideas come from and if it's even their own ideas. To me it has the bitter aftertaste of wanting to hide sth the viewers aren't supposed to see. But this is not tbz fault but the fault of whoever writes/directs/edits their footage.

With the title of the stage given, I actually thought I'd see a wedding. But what I've seen was a woman in a bird cage. And then many more women. I failed to see what this all had to do with a wedding, and I moreover failed to see the connection to "THE" red wedding. And I failed to understand the plot once again, and because they didn't explain it beforehand, I'll never understand it.

What I liked is that the performance was way less dramatic than it was ever before. It didn't seem like a stunt show anymore, it didn't seem overdramatic anymore. It was easier to focus on the performance. Sadly, I noticed that this "downgraded" (aka slow-paced and less dramatic) stage was unfortunately underwhelming in comparison with what they did before - which was sth I predicted from beginning on. At some point you can't go bigger anymore, and if you tone it down it'll automatically seem underwhelming.

Edit: It's sad that they have this pressure to outperform themselves because they've won RTK. But honestly, it was clear that the winner would have this pressure on them. I don't see why I would pity them for this, after all, each of the groups feel pressured anyways and I rather feel sorry for ALL groups together because this whole ranking/competition thing is just unnecessarily stressful. But once again, I don't understand why you all blame MNET for this. Don't forget that the companies have contracts with MNET and knew that shit would go down. If you blame any bigger instances, then please also the companies who put their idols on the show. It's not like they got forced to make their groups participate.

My biggest criticism this time however is the fact that they give the most screentime to Juyeon (and Sunwoo because of the rap parts), and the rest of the members barely appear, or basically aren't shown at all. I already felt before that there was a strong focus on Juyeon, but now it's srly showing very clearly. I really like Juyeon, but I don't find it fair. I think that doesn't do justice to the other members, which deserve screentime as well. In conclusion, tbz on kingdom is an extreme mess in my eyes, with lots of communication- and management flaws.

iKON: I belong to the group of people who heavily prefers THANXX over inception, so I was a bit sceptical about the song choice. They really made a YG version out of this tho, I was pretty impressed. The stage concept was pretty nice, iKON surely knows how to use light. Now the stage seemed very inspired by Inception (the movie) which makes a lot of sense - but wasn't communicated either. Just mentioning this because I critisized tbz earlier, so I think the same applies here to some degree. I didn't recognize the song anymore tho but I found it pretty refreshing. In my eyes they did the best so far in making another group's song their own. This could have been an iKON song for sure. As always, a fun stage.

My personal ranking will follow after the other stages.

Act 3: About cheating and faking.

The Voting looks as follows:

Views: 1. SKZ 2. iKON 3. ATEEZ 4. BTOB 5. TBZ 6. SF9

Online Voting: 1. SKZ 2. SF9 3. iKON 4. BTOB 5. ATEEZ 6. TBZ

Btw if anyone knows the overall voting, please comment or send a message, because I somehow missed it?

I said it before, and I say it again, this entire voting is rigged and I totally don't care about it anymore at this point because it's absolutely not trustable. Experts didn't know about the budget differences, who even are the experts, why did SF9 get zero on-site votes, and then ofc the fans who created 50 accounts to vote...this voting is a joke. What I can totally not understand is how ATEEZ and TBZ can rank last for online voting. Sth seems off here to me, especially the fact that SF9 ranks last in views but ranks 2nd in votes? I'm sorry to say this but I think that's the result of the ZZZ fanwar. My assumption is that there must be a big mass of people who purposely voted NOT for TBZ & ATEEZ, and my guess is - no offence - that those were stays. In accordance with the fanwar, they didn't give their 2 other votes to the other ZZZ groups but to whatever other group. Or in general the ZZZ fandoms purposely not voting for each other. That would explain extremely well why SF9 could suddenly rank 2nd. I'm tired of this voting, of fanwars and all this drama and I decided to not care about the official voting anymore.

If you got to this point, I wanna let you know that I feel very blessed that you made it through this long post hahaha. Thanks! And for the next week, I expect BIG THINGS. I'm the most excited for BTOB. Them covering back door is the most absurd thing I've imagined for a long time hahahaha. But Eunkwang with tattoos really is a good sight, isn't it ;)?

[kvetas]

*✿❀; general headcanons part 1 (akechi)

 just some random, usually rather mundane headcanons that probably won’t fit as a theme anywhere else, yeah.

Generally refers to ‘[insert surname]-san’ to nearly everyone.

He’d make exceptions if he’s familiar enough with someone (He either generally refers to Sae as ‘Sae-san’ usually, though may attempt to jokingly call her ‘senpai’ at times) or if he’s fine with a request (So he’d refer to Sojiro as ‘Boss’ if asked, but he’d otherwise call him ‘Sakura-san’).

There’s a possibility that he’ll use different honorifics with either children or people he’s familiar with who are closer to his age. So he’d call some of the phantom thieves as ‘Takamaki-chan’ or ‘Sakamoto-kun’, for example. It’s only really just because sounds like it suits them more to him rather than any indicator of friendliness though.

And honestly, he’ll still persist at using surnames unless someone specifically requests him to be on a first name basis (or if they’re either western/literally do not have a last name) because he lacks the ability to gauge how relationships work. u_u ;;

bro will spill out his childhood drama unprompted to protag at confidant level three, especially with someone he literally just met standing right next to them, but he can’t bring himself to call someone by name?? smfh with this dude

I’m sad that the proof of justice OVA pretty much ruined my headcanon that Goro played video games as escapism growing up. But I still wanna say that if Goro did choose to play video games, he’d voluntarily play RPGs, puzzle games, and simulator games in his free time as a relaxation.

He may or may not create a Shido Sim just to torture the poor bastard as a way to vent on bad days if he got his hands on The Sims.

But he’d be willing to play any video game, even if half of the reason is just as a point of conversation.

Probably wouldn’t really scare easily on horror games. Because his life is already a goddamn horror to sit through as it is. Actually, since a lot of horror games are generally RPGs and/or puzzle games - they’re actually right up his alley.

He’d be the kind of guy who’d go “Oh, congratulations on the win. :)” but be inwardly seething in rage and already plotting 5 different possible ways to beat you after losing a game.

But this is only if it’s for a game he’s actually familiar with and got absolutely demolished on, he wouldn’t really care otherwise and would even welcome a challenge.

I feel like his hobbies were initially picked... well, to look cool, number one, but also for practical use via metaverse shenanigans. (Cycling because it’s the cheapest and fastest option to travel+gather intel but also to help his speed, bouldering for make scaling palaces easier and improve his guts, and darts to improve his proficiency.)

Though he can safely say that he genuinely enjoys these hobbies and is not actually lying through his teeth. But he doesn’t really indulge in them as much as he used to. 2/3 of the reason is because he already maxed out his guts and proficiency stats though tbh

I know that it’s common for people to believe Goro to have a preference in sweets but idk man I don’t really agree with that fanon.

Half is because he wants to be able to judge something he tastes without extra condiments and stuff possibly diluting the flavor. He has a food blog to run and reviews to write and dangit, he’s gonna write nothing but the facts!!

The other half is because he honestly isn’t picky with flavors and the guidebook even says so. Like, sure, he’d critique something to Death but he’d still eat it because you don’t waste food smfh

Even that one spicy-ass takoyaki he unintentionally ate? Like, Yeah, he clearly can’t handle spicy food too well, but he still properly ate it in my book.

Like the only exception is if it’s literally inedible. Like, ‘this is rotten!’ or ‘it  fell all over the floor’ kind of inedible.

That being said, I’d say Goro’s favorite coffee blend is Columbian 100% Typica but I can’t be super sure since I’m not a huge coffee fan and I wouldn’t know for sure how it would taste

I DO agree with the fanon idea that Goro doesn’t know how to cook a whole lot (the most being simple food like. fried egg, or steamed potato, or sandwiches) and just shovels instant-made food into his mouth if he so chooses, which is literally any time he’s not trying to show off or look sophisticated.

His apartment probably has fancy, modern looking furnishings and appliances. But it looks more like a home catalogue than a teenager’s living space. (Again, out of posturing to look more esteemed than he actually feels.) Though the apartment’s size is pretty average.

He almost never gets visitors though despite all the effort, except maybe Sae for whatever reason.

The only room that actually looks lived-in is his room, the messiest thing in the room being his (long) desk since he’d generally work on stuff there.

Has a lamp, a pencil holder, a file holder, and his laptop. But also expect to see stacks of books, papers lying around, maybe an empty coffee mug or three, and tools he didn’t put away on top of it.

I can’t imagine him NOT making his own tools (lockpicks, goho-ms, etc.). But he probably had to learn how to make them through trial and error (and using google). At least he had like, two years to learn.

Of course he has a bunch of books in his house. He’s an *~~intellectual~~*, he’s gotta look the part.

Most of his bookshelves are like. Philosophy books, law books, mystery novels, school textbooks, stuff about cognitive psience, and ‘How-to’ books.

He may or may not secretly keep manga in his room.

I like to think he has a balcony. Though it’s pretty bare outside of maybe drying his clothes, he likes to contemplate about stuff out there.

He doesn’t really like staying home very much though, he only stays when necessary. Unfortunately, getting punched by depression and wanting to just lay in bed all day doesn’t count as a necessity to him, especially since he’s undiagnosed.

His fridge generally consists of takeout (either delivered from home or leftovers), beverages (like milk, iced coffee, any SP-recovering weird sodas), butter, bread, eggs, deli meat, and maybe a salad pack.

His freezer is exclusively full of frozen meals. 90% is microwaveable, while the rest of the 10% is stuff you heat up in the oven or steam it with.

His pantry is full of instant-made microwaveable food. Or stuff that doesn’t require much prep work or knowledge in the kitchen, like Mac and Cheese, Hamburger Helper, canned soup, and tuna packages.

Though he also has stuff like tea packs, hot chocolate mix, and instant coffee in the off chance he actually gets a visitor. A lot of them may or may not be past the "Best By” date.

A lot of his budget goes into skincare and hair products as a celebrity-figure that shows up on TV a lot, so predictably his bathroom is just chock full of the stuff.

GOD I WISH HIS FASHION SENSE WASN’T SO NERDY but unfortunately, he’s a kid trying to grow up too fast in order to be taken seriously and hiding the fact that he’s an orphan and didn’t have money before so we’re just gonna have to deal with his preppy grandpa fashion sense

[mercurialsmile]

So I went and saw Hellboy (2019) again since I wanted to get a closer look and sort of analyze it to a degree. It’s been slammed by quite a bit of people and I wanted to understand where they were coming from and have Critical Thinking Skills

Plus I finished reading the whole series (and The Wild Hunt) Sunday so I wanted to see how close of an adaptation it is.

Adaption-wise, 2019 is closer to its source material (The Wild Hunt) than the OG is (Seeds of Destruction)

It’s not a perfect adaption at all, of course. If you go by the condensed Omnibus’ as a guide, The Wild Hunt is the third book in the series. By the looks of it, they are reshuffling the events on how they happen and character timelines as well. Honestly, Seeds of Destruction would be a hard comic to adapt faithfully as it doesn’t have as streamlined a plot as Wild Hunt does but I digress.

There were a lot of changes. I don’t wanna go into each bullet point bc spoilers and also that would be a longass list. All I can say is some characters were missing, some added into the movie from different comics, the BPRD isn’t in the comics at all, obv all references to social media and the modern world aren’t in the comic, aaaaand of course: Hellboy actually fought 6 giants not 3. They nerfed him.

They also added two short stories to the movie, and they are also pretty close to the comics with some minor changes (and shortened even further...)

Fight-scene wise it seemed the flow of each fight fit in with the comic depiction of them so that was a nice touch.

If I were to give a score out of 10 for how close the movie adaptation is... I’d probably give it a 4-5. Which isn’t that bad considering just how dense TWH is and how much story leads up to it. TWH is the third book of series for a reason.

Plus some changes needed to be made due to the fact it’s a movie and they’re trying to tell a cohesive story

Hellboy, as a comic series... isn’t a cohesive story. It doesn’t have an intricate plot. That’s not the point. Hellboy is an introspective character study steeped in folklore and mythos with lovecraftian horror elements and interesting and unique monster designs.

Turning that into a blockbuster movie sounds like a bitch and I am not jealous of the writers for this movie at all.

That being said, I wanna pinpoint some issues I read some people had with the movie, add my own thoughts to that, and list what I liked and didn’t like of this movie.

No comparisons with the OG will be noted and I will not bring it up. This is a different movie in a completely different genre. Also OG is one of my favorite movies and shall always hold a special place in my heart

Music:

People noted that there were too many rock songs and not enough originally composed songs

Personally, the rock songs didn’t bother me too much. In some places they felt a little off or like I was watching a tv show rather than a movie, but it wasn’t too bad for me.

There were original songs or at least instrumentals littered throughout the movie including a reprise of the original Hellboy theme (a riff in the beginning and the complete at the end) which was nice to hear

I can see why the rock songs could bother or annoy some but for me it wasn’t that big of a deal

But I still do love original soundtracks and do wish this movie had more original songs in it

What bothered me more than the music was the quick Hellboy intro. I like buildups to my movie titles in movies like this and was a bit bummed I didn’t get to hear Hellboy’s full theme song... till the end during the movie

Exposition:

Some people complained the movie spent too much time rehashing some information. Indeed, in some places the movie felt it was beating us over the heads. In others it was more subtle, which is a bit odd

Really tho it’s a pretty small problem to fix? Only two changes would need to be made:

1. Take out the narration in the beginning of the movie

2. Cut out the adapted short story scene and have it remain as dialogue

Easy

Again, it didn’t bother me too much as the exposition issue was really only an issue in the first half of the movie? And happened only twice

However I can understand why people had an issue with it

Dialogue:

The writing is a mixed bag. Some scenes had good if not great writing and other scenes were a bit painful to listen to.

I did read this movie had some issues being developed due to creative differences and being shuffled around a lot... and in some places it shows. In others not so much. The middle of the movie is def where the weakest writing lies, I think

CGI:

This movie was an utter gorefest and had quite a bit of CGI. In some places it looked fine, I think. In other places it looked really cheap

I have no idea why the look of the CGI bounced around so much? Maybe they stretched their budget a bit too much, who knows

There was only one scene where it looked god awful and honestly that shot didn’t need to be in the scene to make it effective. Which is annoying I agree

I’m starting to sound like I disliked this movie huh? I’ll get to what I liked about it. Wanna say what other things I personally disliked:

* Professor “Broom”’s characterization

* Hellboy knowing less than he does in the comics for... drama?

* Honestly the entire father subplot

* The entire scene at the bunker. Ugh

* Some of the shots were... bad. Trying too hard to please the 3D crowd ig

* The fact that the Blood Queen didn’t have her raven helmet. that thing is badass

* Some tonal problems but it wasn’t too distracting

But there was a lot of things I also liked?

* All the monster designs! Especially the titans

* David Harbor’s performance

* No love triangle and no romance subplot in general. Nice

* Anung un Rama’s design

* Character costuming

* A lot of the shots, especially in the beginning and the end were interesting

* Baba Yaga. Her and that entire scene.

* The pig of course!

* Some of the dialogue was clever

* Got to see Hellboy riding a dragon. Nice.

* I actually liked the violence and gore. Even if it was pointless in some scenes. I like gory movies. Fun

* They made Alice a bit more proactive in this movie which was a good change

* Also the transformation during the pig battle.

* The main plot of course

Overall I think this movie is mainly getting slammed by fans of the og which... is expected honestly

I love the OG. If I could trade this movie in for the third of that trilogy I would. But life doesn’t work like that and I’m happy to see more Hellboy content in general and who knows,,, maybe we’ll get a finished trilogy this time?

I think this movie stands alone decently enough. Interestingly enough it seems those who read the comics are a lot less harsh on it than others? Well, for the most part from what I’ve seen.

This movie is campy, funny, full of action, with unique monster designs... which is what Hellboy kinda started as?

It has issues but don’t all movies? It’s not perfect and I still prefer OG but I ain’t gonna knock this movie because of that.

This is not a drama. It is a horror/action/comedy. And it plays itself as such and isn’t overly serious, which is okay.

Actually I’m hoping it gets a sequel. Hopefully it’ll be better than this movie, with betting marketing, and I think they’re gonna develop Conqueror Worm next And I loved that entire storyline a lot so! If they are going that direction (which is to say backwards in the comics...) I look forward to it!

[the-revenirium-blog]

「 妈妈，爸爸，我想回家.」 "Mom, Dad, I want to go home."

2017 was the year I thought everything would be going amazing for me. I had a great relationship, supportive friends back at home, I was accepted into a college that would give me a certificate to pursue my dreams.

It wasn't very long after that I realized that it wasn't the perfect image of a life I wanted to live.

It started small, with troublesome pettiness, petty drama, expenses to be paid, bad decisions that I've made with myself, and my own selfishness that costed me my friendships and eventually, my own relationships.

I thought myself superior to the old me. That I'm better already, I can keep going, I can keep fighting. I ignored every single sign my body blared at me, I forced the energy to come and work for me. I kept going, until everything around me slowly unravelled.

I am so sorry that I wasn't a better child that made better choices.

I am so sorry that I was a selfish person that valued myself more, and neglected you, to the point you felt like you were discarded.

I am sorry that I am tired and sick and have terrible judgement.

But most of all, I am sorry, Me, that I let yourself get this way.

I am currently in my final semester of community college. With approximately 3 weeks left until my final assessment, with a full gown to sew and a portfolio to make, and an internship to apply for.

Today, 7th of May 2018, I sent in an application to drop out of college and said my goodbyes to my classmates.

"It's a shame, you only have a bit more to go!" "You're wasting time and energy! And money!" " But you were such a good student, why quit now?" "You're being a quitter!"

Those were the responses I got from various people.

Classmates who insisted I lend them my sewing machine that I paid for with my own money, or to give them my things that I so stressfully budgeted money to buy for class.People that never truly took the time to talk to me as a person, or understand what it was like, for me.

Lecturers who truly cared and listened to me, and were so sad to see me go, and wanted to hear from me personally why.

Friends from other courses who I supported today for the last time by being their first customer at their shops today, for Business Day.

People that called me a quitter, did not realize how in pain I was, having to force myself to get up every single day, to go to class, to sit down for hours to focus and sew, to struggling with basic human functions like eating and sleeping.

People that were disappointed in me, because I didn't fully finish what I started.

I am glad that I truly know which people are truly there for me at my worst, and I am very grateful for them for being around to see my best.

Saturday, two days ago, I went to class as per usual. It was a morning replacement class due to all the holidays this month, and I did not think much. Just finish my sewing, go home, shower, sleep.

It wasn't until I realized I couldn't sew anymore at all that I broke down. I couldn't focus, I considered just cutting everything and just failing the semester, but I finally adknowledged the one thought that was bothering me.

"I want to go home."

I excused myself from my class and for the first time in a year, I called my mother and said,

"妈妈，我想回家." "Mom, I want to go home."

My mother comforted me, and told me that she already knew I was at my breaking point.

"Come home. Come home to mom and dad. We'll be your shoulder to lean on, so don't cry alone anymore."

I cried and cried out there in the empty hall. My legs, covered in dried bleeding scabs and rashes, were sweating, my back hurt, my shoulders ached.

Just a few days prior, I had ended my 2-year relationship with my boyfriend as well.

My now-ex boyfriend, D, I am very, very sorry that I couldn't be the person to grow old with you. You are right, you are not growing younger, and you truly did need someone to be there for you.

But that person is not me.

You did not have to trouble yourself with my problems, or my family. You did not in fact need to send money to me at all for college or rent. You did not need to take me to the doctors, to buy me so much for my skin, because now, down to the very last, it was me that ruined everything.

At 18, I was so sure that I've found my happiness.

At 20, I am tired, depressed, and damaged, but I know that I will still find my happiness.

My depression and I have had an ongoing on-off relationship. I am aware that not many of us truly understand how it is, or how it affects us.

And that's okay. We do not truly understand it either.

For me, every single day, there is a silent voice in my head that tells me, despite all I have done, I will never be enough.

The voice tells me, my parents are disappointed in me. The voice tells me, my friends never truly cared.

The voice told me, I was truly better off not existing.

I did pretty well in ignoring that voice. I tried to be a positive presence in people's lives, in my friends' lives and my family's, changing things for the better and acknowledging my flaws. I am trying still. And I will keep trying.

But my stress did not cease. Where hence it came from,I never found out. Was it from a close minded community that I was in? Was it the negativity that I'm seeing on a day to day basis? Or was it from me?

It slowly manifested into a physical form. A physical, self-harming habit. Scratching.

A lot of my friends and family are aware, I am allergic to VARIOUS kinds of things, to the point even going out to eat is troubling. Now, after seeing a skin doctor, I have also realized I am also sensitive to heat, sweat, and dirt, and dust, and most importantly, STRESS.

"Don't stress. Your skin will get worse." "Just don't scratch it!" "Why so stress for?"

Those were the words I was told over and over. But did they truly understand how insane it drove me?

I did not even notice I had dermatillomania, or Excoriation Disorder, until I saw how much bleeding and scarring my skin was starting to get.

For those that are unfamiliar, here is a quote from Wikipedia: ["Excoriation disorder is a mental disorder characterized by the repeated urge to pick at one's own skin, often to the extent that damage is caused. Excoriation disorder is defined as "repetitive and compulsive picking of skin which results in tissue damage".

The inability to control the urge to pick is similar to the urge to compulsively pull one's own hair, i.e., trichotillomania.

Researchers have noted the following similarities between trichotillomania and excoriation disorder: the symptoms are ritualistic but there are no preceding obsessions; there are similar triggers for the compulsive actions; both conditions appear to play a role in modifying the arousal level of the subject; and the age of onset for both conditions is similar.

There is also a high level of comorbidity between those that have trichotillomania and those that have excoriation disorder. A notable difference between these conditions is that skin picking seems to be dominated by females whereas trichotillomania is more evenly distributed across genders.

Research has also suggested that excoriation disorder may be thought of as a type of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Excoriation disorder and OCD are similar in that they both involve "repetitive engagement in behaviors with diminished control" and also both generally decrease anxiety."]

Slowly my skin started bleeding and itching non stop. Even from going out to take out the trash, my skin would sweat, and then immediately result in a maniacal itching that nothing could stop. I scratched myself raw, to the point of bleeding, wearing clothes irritated my skin and gave me even more rashes and scabs, and I was constantly showering.

It did not help at all that I felt tired, fat, ugly and depressed as well.

This is my story. This is why I suddenly decided to come home.

Let it be known that I wasn't a quitter. I fought and I lost, but I didn't give up. I had fought for years, and I will continue to fight again.

I will find a way back on track. I will return stronger. But for now, I am just me. I am tired, sick and in pain.

I just want to go home and recover from all that's happened to me.

If anyone that's truly read this far, This is my message to you. Thank you for caring and thank you for being patient with yourself. Give yourself some credit and be proud. Thank you for being alive and being good to yourself. Do take care of yourself. Nobody else can.

[I am not a stranger to the dark Hide away, they say 'Cause we don't want your broken parts I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars Run away, they say No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust I know that there's a place for us For we are glorious When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out I am brave, I am bruised I am who I'm meant to be, this is me Look out 'cause here I come And I'm marching on to the beat I drum I'm not scared to be seen

I make no more apologies, this is me.]

妈妈，爸爸，我回家了.

This is the end of one journey, and a beginning of another.