#also wanna add that I am working on a non DN related project but like

[cigarettedolly13]

Before I go to bed, I wanna actually talk about what’s been going on with me lately, especially because I feel like getting it off my chest to some degree might help.

I’ve been going on and off between genuinely trying to engage with and talk to people and just completely self isolating when I’m not working. I’ve become really emotionally unstable over the past week and this mainly happened due to me getting sick and going off of my medication for a bit to recover. Unfortunately I’m almost out and I’m due for a refill but I’m not sure when I’ll get my refill, either way I’m realizing that I genuinely need this type of medication to regulate my emotions and it’s kind of a thing I need to accept but also I think part of it has been I’ve been forgetting to change my BC patch on the correct day and I’ve done that 4 times a row this round…so now everything is just like…out of whack for me. In addition to that, nearly everything makes me cry as of late and it’s both concerning and kind of comical. I was at work cleaning the inside of one of our stock displays, and I accidentally sprayed cleaning chemicals on a fly that I didn’t know was in there. Either way it actually upset me to the point of tears because I was trying to figure out how to get the flies out of there while simultaneously having a breakdown over the fact that I did that.

That and I’ve also been feeling insane levels of guilt lately for simply existing and not being 100% miserable all the time. Like there’s no rhyme or reason behind it. I could literally just like…engage in something that makes me happy for like a second and I would instantly feel guilty for enjoying said thing. I don’t know if the catholic indoctrination is crawling out of the woodworks and working overtime again or if this has to do with the environment I’ve created for myself but oh lawdy either way, I’ve experienced a level of guilt and shame for simply existing that I haven’t felt since I was maybe 13 years old.

All of this has just lead to me isolating myself as frequently as I can. I feel too anxious to go outside or do anything outdoors because I just don’t want to be perceived in my current state. The good news is that when I finish my current round of meds I’m going to be trying a different form of adderall that will help me function better without the midday crash my current adderall gives me. I’m hoping that longevity will be an even better help in regulating my emotions. Problem is I’ve only got four pills left so I’m like “I gotta take them but it’ll be sooo long before I get more meds 😤” but also idk maybe I can see if my meds are ready idk man I’m tired.

Anyway that’s all I needed to talk about. Maybe this could’ve been a private rant however I think it might help me some to document how I’ve been feeling and what I could do going forward. At least publicly. I already feel better after typing this.

Moral of the story: Don’t raise your kids Catholic or they’ll develop horrific guilt complexes that follow them into adulthood regardless of whether they deconstruct or not ❤️