#also used this to practice drawing hijabs and I think i’m getting them!! especially the sports ones those are harder for me to draw

[elizasidepiece]

basira ✨

[alleytownstrays]

a long post about halo.

note: spoilers for young justice season 3!

note 2: i am in no way an articulate person and this is MY opinion, we can agree to disagree but you should send me an ask if you want to discuss it.

First things first, I am a practicing Muslim girl who wears and has worn a hijab for over nine years so I feel I have enough right to speak on this matter without backlash. I find the idea of Halo’s religion completely degrading after their encounter with Harper Row on the beach.Do I have a problem with the romance? Yes, it was forced and heavily shows Halo not being in a good state of mind - they’d just chugged down a bottle of alcohol in prior minutes for the first time in their constantly regeneration body - which I also despise and will speak about later.

My main issue is the idea of Halo’s religion. They’re originally portrayed to be Muslim - they wear a hijab which is the most iconic symbol of outward Islamic practice for women and it is explicitly mentioned to be a hijab, thus stapling it to the Islamic religion. Furthermore, there is a scene in which Halo wants to take off their hijab but cannot due to a male character being in the room - which, if I remember correctly, is Victor Stone. A Muslim would never take off their hijab in a room with a male that isn’t immediately blood related to them that they cannot marry - such as a father, grandfather or brother - and a younger male child who hasn’t hit puberty yet. This action reminds me that Halo is - or was at the time of the episode - a Muslim as it is something I would do. 

However, in the scene where they are with Harper Row - they are offered alcohol, something prohibited in Islam as it causes you to become unaware and thus not in control of your actions that could harm others/yourself or make you sin. Harper asks if they can drink it or if it’s a ‘Muslim no can do’ - that pissed me off royally. It makes it look like the rules of Islam are some stupid fad or something you can bend depending on your circumstance, it is common knowledge that Muslims don’t consume alcohol but Harper sounds completely ignorant. It makes it look like we’re idiots for following one of the most known rules in Islam. It made me feel stupid for what I wore and what I believed in.

And then the way Halo says ‘I’m not a Muslim’ further ticked me off, I understand that Halo is still figuring themself out and the only reason it felt ‘right’ to wear a hijab is that Gabrielle probably did. However, considering the direction in which the writers are taken with Halo - which also seems to be all we see annoyingly - is that they is trying to learn to let Gabrielle go.

If Halo is to let go of Gabrielle, Halo should let go of the hijab. 

They weren’t Muslim, Gabrielle was - and the hijab should leave with Gabrielle. Halo should either be educated in Islam to understand the importance of the thing covering their head or should let go of it completely. 

This draws me onto my second and final point, Halo needs to stop dying.If our single ‘Muslim’ Middle Eastern non-binary (though still being addressed with female pronouns for whatever reason) representation is dying every single episode, it loses its feeling - we’re becoming numb to seeing blood drip from their body and then that same all too common purple hue come save them. I understand that it’s essentially killing them but it took too long to come to that point when they were throwing their body around every fight without a care to how it might affect them. It numbs the viewer arguably.

To draw to an end, the writers of Young Justice - though I do praise them 90% of the time - need to get rid of whatever minority representation checklist they have and really look at their characters, especially those like Halo. What they may think is representation can be seen as racist, Islamophobic and homophobic with an array of characters - even the possible queer baiting between Bart and Ed.

This was our childhood, we fought for it to come back, please don’t make us regret it.

- Sera.

[urfavmurtad]

(1) Hey, I’m a 19 year old Muslim girl living in Canada. I’ve lived my entire life raised around Western culture so I guess I’m what you would call a Moderate Muslim. Until about a year ago, I believed that Islam could be accepting of values such as feminism, lgbtq+ acceptance etc. But then I realized the noticeable lack of these values in our community and realized I was kidding myself if I believed that anyone in my family would accept someone coming out as gay...

(2) So I started to preach moderate values. I told everyone I knew that some great changes had to be made in our community. That was until recently. Now, I realize I can’t really preach these changes in our community if they contradict a fundamental scripture. I came to the horrible realization that I actually disagree with the Quran. In fact, it goes beyond that: I have a problem with the whole concept of organized religion and the many basic philosophies that accompany all religions…  ��

(3) I’m still double-minded though. I do hijab, and was previously extremely religious (prayed extra, learned the Quran by heart) and I find it so difficult to just leave the entire religion. I feel like I need to talk to someone, because the very idea is so daunting that I can’t even think it out loud, much less mention it to anyone. And that’s a personal struggle; I haven’t even started to think about the cultural and familial backlash. What is your advice for anyone in this kind of situation?          

Anon I’m so sorry it took me forever to answer this, I’ve been in everyone’s favorite desert kingdom for exciting family bonding adventures as of late. Lemme just say before I start what is sure to be another long post that I completely understand where you’re coming from. A lot of people who leave Islam, myself included, go through a sort of bargaining phase where you really want to make it work, because so much of your life is tied to it in one way or another, and it just… doesn’t. And you realize that most Muslims aren’t really into making it work, either, and you’re just supposed to accept that. We’re also basically in the same spot with still outwardly “performing Muslim-ness” despite our thoughts on the religion itself, both for family reasons and because it’s extremely difficult to go from being outwardly pious/devout to… less devout, without people judging you and asking questions. Like you, I have never told anyone in my family that I’m even sort of non-religious. That’s gonna be a hell of a bridge to cross and I’m not even thinking about it until I finish college. Financial independence has to come first.

So I can’t pretend that I have all the answers for you here. All I can do is share some advice that has been helpful to me. First of all: never, ever feel guilty for not being fully open with your thoughts on this subject or “hiding” until you feel ready to share them. I don’t need to tell you that things like this often cause lost friendships, family drama, and cruel gossip. You don’t need that in your life right now, and given your age, there’s not much to be gained from having your lack of faith be public knowledge. The way you feel is your business and no one else’s. If you don’t feel like you’re in a good place to publicly leave the religion, there’s nothing wrong with, to put it bluntly, faking it for a while.

Someone on here asked me once if I feel guilty for ���cheating” my parents (in terms of them paying for school and such), knowing that they’d disapprove of certain life choices of mine if they knew about them. And the answer to that is no. The fact that I don’t believe in Islam is none of my parents’ business and won’t be their business until I choose to inform them of it. I live a perfectly fine Muslimah life and do not cause them embarrassment or Great Family Shame. Sure, I’m just going through the motions at this point and don’t believe in any of it, from praying to “modesty”, but that is none of their concern. There is nothing wrong with keeping it personal until you feel completely comfortable being open about it irl. I do plan on getting there one day, both in terms of my (lack of) religion and my sexuality, but I am fully prepared for the possibility of my family basically refusing to interact with me afterwards. That’s a lot to deal with, and I don’t feel bad about waiting for the right time to unload all of that baggage. You shouldn’t feel bad about it, either.

That brings me to the second order of business. I already wrote about this in this post here but imo it’s so important to find a community, or multiple communities, to fill whatever void might be created in your social net if you ever do end up totally leaving. A huge part of what draws people to religion is the sense of belonging and a sense of having people who will always be there for you in your time of need. If you pull that rug out from under yourself without anything there to catch your fall, it can make you feel really lonely. Make sure you have an irl support network of some kind. Whether that takes the form of an actual group (like I said in the other post, I’m part of a charity group that is rly awesome and full of great people) or club or just a few non-religious friends, it doesn’t matter–as long as you know that you have supportive and loving people around you, no matter what. And it’s just as important to have some hobby in your life that has some sort of communal aspect to it (I do community gardening and cooking in school!). It’s so crucial, especially if you’re like me and hate socializing, because it creates a safe community for you that’s totally separate from your religion and your family/religious friends.

Another to keep in mind is that leaving Islam and recognizing its shittier aspects doesn’t mean you have to, like, abandon your ethnicity and entire sense of self. Culture and religion go hand-in-hand in most Muslim countries, but they don’t have to be totally inseparable. If there is something you like about your culture, or some practice you enjoy that is “supposed to be” for faithful Muslims only, or something that’s “supposed” to be done only in a certain religious way, you can go ahead keep doing that thing without any issue. You can still enjoy the history and past and traditions of your native country, though you are also more than allowed to look at some religious traditions you grew up with through a critical lens. You don’t have to throw away your entire identity just because you leave a religion, and you most definitely don’t have to shut up and never talk about it ever again. Keep the things you love about your culture and your upbringing and feel free to throw the bad things into the trash where they belong, now that you feel no spiritual drive to defend them. Don’t let anyone guilt you into either staying silent about the bad parts or never participating in the good parts. If I ever have kids, they’re getting so much eidi it’ll be ridiculous. And they’ll get a Christmas tree because I like the way they look. We’ll throw a Black Santa in there too, because fuck it, why not.

So that’s the summary. Keep the good, get rid of the bad. Don’t feel any guilt for either part of that. And if someone tells you “noo you can’t do X if you’re not Muslim” or “nooo you can’t do Y without doing Z”, you can feel free to tell them

On a semi-related note, I think that you’ve already started a process that I found really helpful, which is to think about exactly what you find both wrong and absurd about Islam–as in the codified faith itself, not just “cultural” matters. Whenever someone leaves a religion, you’ll always have people saying “oh, they just don’t understand the real religion”. That goes 500x for Islam; virtually all people who leave Islam are told that they just don’t get it. It can feel like gaslighting sometimes. So it’s extremely useful to be able to point to specific parts of the Quran that I find objectively wrong, to say nothing of the ahadith. I have very solid reasons for no longer believing in the faith. I no longer question them, and I don’t let people tell me that I just don’t understand.

And that leads into another hugely important process, which is finding your own system of morality outside the realm of religion. I’ve heard so many shaikhs and dawah bros say “if you’re not religious, how can you have any morals?”, often taking that to absurd conclusions, like saying you have to be fine with murder or whatever. That is, obviously, insane. I don’t need a warlord and slave owner (PBUH) to explain to me why XYZ Is Bad. I can figure it out on my own and find a personal morality that doesn’t depend on any institution and is suited for the world that I live in. It sounds like you’re pretty much already there, and that’s a big deal. Having some moral structure in your life means that you won’t feel totally lost without Islam. You’re gonna be okay, sis.

So… like I said, hell if I have all the answers to these questions anon, I’m trying to figure all of it out myself. But that’s the best advice I can give you, and I hope it was at least semi-helpful? You can always feel free to message me or send me another ask if you ever just feel like ranting or screaming into the void, trust me, I get the feeling!! 💕

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam Austin episode 2 reaction

I’m already sad that we probably won’t get a scene of them dancing horribly

Clip 1 - Smoothie talk

I just want to point out that while Meg is checking out Grace online, there’s a drawing on her wall behind her that says MAKE OUT. This is clearly foreshadowing. I proclaim it from the mountaintop.

This is a nice discussion of random crap when you have more important things to talk about. But also an illustration of how they’re not on the same page at all. Now he's mocking something else she likes (meglovessmoothies), kicking her when she's down.

Lol, I’m being hard on this kid. Him dissing smoothies is hardly the least of his crimes. But you exclude her so much, dude! She has no one to do the stuff she likes with her and he left her to do talent night alone. 

What I took away from this scene is a craving for a smoothie.

Clip 2 - Call me

It’s a pretty big cultural jump from Noora naming herself after a Twin Peaks character to Grace naming herself after a Dumb and Dumber character.

I think this was a good way to incorporate social media into the clip itself. It’s one of those interactions with a weirdly specific social connotation. The comment being deleted is more suspicious than if it had remained up.

I've seen people speculate why Abby would bother posting on his IG publicly. Maybe because she wanted Meg to see it? Or she really couldn’t get in touch with him any other way.

Clip 3 - Sad girl

It definitely sounds like Tyler said “Abby.” He says “Oh shit” afterwards as if her realized his mistake. Plus he decided to go to the vending machine and Marlon went along, maybe so they could talk about what just happened.

Usually Skam doesn't all-out twist what's happening, what we hear and see if what’s really occurring. Like with Isak hearing Even’s voice while buying his depressing cheese toastie, he's legit hearing a guy who sounds like Even, he didn’t imagine it.

Shay is a bad but adorable liar. 

And she seems flirty as hell and I hope I’m not just projecting.

I like how direct and kind Grace is. No Megan messing up with H and inappropriate slut jokes. Some of the characters are on the rude side (us Americans, am I right) and Grace was just sweet, and Megan got her message right when she needed a pick-me-up. Also, no sweating for days over whether Grace will follow her back!

Clip 4 - Chemistry

He's reading The Great Gatsby while Meg reads The Scarlet Letter. Any significance, since they’re going hard with The Scarlet Letter?

“We have chemistry together, you know that.” Yes, we do know that, Marlon. That’s why Meg is worried.

Marlon is such a liar, he can't keep his story straight. 

“If you were in my chemistry class I would be texting you non-stop” lol I know he didn’t mean it this way but that has some connotations in light of your current situation, bro.

Clip 5 - Girl Squad together

This is a low standard but I do love how realistic and down go earth all their clothes are. 

Kelsey’s red upper lip legit made me laugh. At first I thought she'd been drinking fruit punch.

Jo and Kelsey are ride or die BFFs, I love it.

Kelsey looking scandalized when Grace doesn't know what a Kitten is then her “bless your heart, no wonder you’re so lost!” when she learns Grace is new, tells you all you need to know about her priorities. Also I’ve never heard one of those Southern “bless your heart”s in the wild before, I feel like I’ve spotted a rhino.

Meg: “Who am I?” THEME.

Regarding the formation of a dance team, I have some questions/concerns as to how they would handle that. If it were just a recreational team that’s one thing, but if they can get out of P.E., as Jo says, then it’ll have to be school-recognized, and I’m sure that comes with a lot of rules that you wouldn’t have if you just want to dance for fun. My school required only one year of P.E. for students (thank Goddddd) but you didn’t get out of it even if you were on one of the school sports teams, so I don’t know quite how it works. I had some friends from other schools who joined their schools’ athletic teams as a replacement for P.E., but these were all well-established teams. If Kelsey’s team gets recognized by the school, do they have to agree to a particular schedule? Dance competitions? Performances at school functions and games? So many questions. 

Grace, a dance team is a hell of a lot to commit to just to show up an Islamophobe. I mean props to the sentiment but you’re probably going to have to like ... dance, and work out, and get up early and stay after school and stuff.

I also don’t think a dance team is something she can sit out as much as Noora could be whatever about the bus, especially if there’s a 5-person minimum for the team. Grace has to be all in or she’s out.

Is Zoya going to turn out to be an amazing dancer? Did she audition for the Kittens, or did she not bother because she figured she wouldn’t make it? I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a dress code that prevented her from wearing her hijab in performance. 

Clip 6 - Losers club

All right, so I kinda loved this clip and kinda hated it.

But boy did I feel bad for Kelsey in this one, in a way that I’ve never felt for any of the Vildes! Because Kelsey was doing more or less what I, a nerd, would be doing if I attempted to form a dance team. Jumping the gun a LOT with reserving yearbook space, but meeting with the principal, planning to raise money, and researching dance routines, all of that is what you should be thinking about. You know … putting together a team.

Kelsey: “I already have the agenda already...:” IDK if it’s scripted or improvised but I’m oddly into them capturing that kind of redundant language that I hear from a lot of teenagers. And well, adults.

Kelsey not even answering Grace’s question about the need for an alternative dance team. She just has an endgame and she’s going to stick to it, gosh darn it.

“Share some of that Kitten secret sauce with us” I’m not going to make a NSFW joke. I’m not.

Actually, what a blast would Jo/Shay be.

I guess what I wonder is why Zoya wants in on a nobody dance team unless she really loves to dance. Like are they ever going to show them dancing? Practicing?

Yeah, going off the earlier point, I feel really bad for Kelsey because she seems like she seriously wants to be on the dance team - maybe just for popularity/social reasons, because she seems to have a very high opinion of the Kittens. But if she’s tried out five times, she’s been practicing for weeks beforehand, and she’s throwing herself into creating a dance group of her own, that also sounds like someone who wants to dance because she enjoys it and not just to boost her social standing. 

And with that in mind, although I enjoyed a lot of Zoya’s dialogue, the fact that she stepped in with her suggestion to hook up with guys made me sad for Kelsey in a way that I haven’t felt for Vilde in any other version of this scene. Because russ/parties do have a social element involved that’s at least relevant to getting guys to like you. Druck has an established school party that the girls get assigned to and they just start going out as a crew. Skam Italia did away with the organized squad altogether and just had the girls start hanging out, somewhat formed around getting Silvia a date. But if I really wanted to form a dance team, I didn’t plan on having to hook up with dudes. That’s not a purely social organization, that’s an athletic/artistic/competitive one. 

“My plan is to work really hard on our routines” Kelsey :(

Lol somehow I think working hard on their routines will go over better with the principal compared to hooking up with football players.

Zoya says that “you guys” will have to get with the dudes because she won’t, but she includes Kelsey in this, soooo I guess Kelsey is not supposed to be that conservative of a Christian? Or will that not come up?

Jo immediately planning blackmail as a way to get the Kittens to join them - lol, this is the kind of character I enjoy, I love her.

Zoya: “If you didn’t want to be seen as a sexual object, you’d shave your head, stop wearing makeup and start wearing looser clothes.” Grace: “I wear these things for me, not for guys.” Zoya: “Well then I find it very convenient that the things you wear for you are the exact same things that a heterosexual man in America finds attractive.”

OK, that was a completely new bit of dialogue and that was something that got my attention. Because that’s good. Zoya and Grace, as the two most likely feminists of the group, having opposing takes on beauty culture. I saw people objecting to Zoya’s perspective but she’s neither 100% right or 100% wrong. Women have personal choice and preferences to style themselves how they want, including dressing with themselves in mind rather than men, but you can’t divorce that from the larger societal ideals of how women are supposed to look. I make the choice to shave my legs and no one is forcing me to do it, but I also didn’t wake up one day and form this completely independent idea that no one had done before; I had a societal norm to give me the idea. And a lot of beauty standards on women are enforced by patriarchy. It’s a really difficult conversation to have because you’re dealing with the individual (Grace saying she wears these things for herself) versus the collective (Zoya saying it’s not an accident what she chooses for herself also happens to be societally acceptable). Everyone at that table is making their own choices, but within a larger system that sets precedents and ideals. But there are also a lot of assumptions that Zoya is making, such as whether Grace is interested in heterosexual men; Grace could be a lesbian for all she knows. Not to mention that Grace is wearing an average sweater and not much makeup, so it is a leap to think she wants to be seen as a sexual object. All of the girls seem very casually dressed, in fact, and Zoya is wearing as much eyeshadow as any of them, so what’s the difference? Can Zoya say she’s wearing eyeshadow for herself, but the others can’t? To me it’s less whether Zoya is completely right and more about the fact that the ideas were introduced at all.

That’s my rambling way of saying I liked that exchange. 

Julie repeating the same camera angle with Sana/Zoya’s back surrounded by her court … sighhhhhhh come on.

General comments:

I guess what’s really frustrating is that there is so much rich material here in the setup that they could spin into new scenes and stories, but I’m not sure if they’re going to do it. Like … we should get them actually trying to dance! I want to see shitty dance montages! I want to see Grace being over it and Jo goofing around and Kelsey trying her best and Zoya defying everyone’s expectations and Meg becoming a crucial part of the team with her experience, finding some purpose and joy again! Let’s talk about clashes between Kelsey and Zoya over the uniforms, let’s talk about the first time they try to perform publicly and it’s a mess (actually let’s not, I would expire from secondhand embarrassment.) Give me all of that dance team drama, played realistically.

But also stuff like Kelsey’s religion and how that plays into the plot (like how DOES she feel about being asked to hook up with guys), how her being a Christian and Zoya being a Muslim should yield both some common ground and some huge differences. 

I’m sort of getting the same feeling I had in S4 of Skam where there was so much incredibly rich material to develop, but instead they went with stuff that was much less interesting.

The profanity filter on the FB videos is SO DUMB. There is a mature content warning at the start of every clip. Why do they have to bleep out the swear words? 

I get the sense that a lot of the new viewers on Facebook don’t know what to do about the texts and IGs. 

Marlon’s text about going to see Avengers makes it sound like the movie just came out, which is probably because the movie was supposed to be released that day (May 4) and was pushed up to April 27. Which I get but part of me’s kinda like, you could have revised that to sound a little more fitting to the date. I feel like Marlon would probably not going to wait a week to see Infinity War. 

Also Marlon has overtaken Giovanni from Skam Italia as my least favorite Jonas. He’s not the devil or anything but I definitely don’t want him and Meg together.

Jo and Shay continue to be my faves. They really should have scenes together at some point. Share one of those long candies, Lady and the Tramp-style.

[leagueofbane]

“There’s no denying the girl is smitten with you.”

Barsad has news for Maysam and Sanjana, in this next installment of my fic, FROM THE ASHES.

(This story is also available at Ao3 and FanFiction.net.)

Chapter 25

             Maysam stood in the shade of the dining room veranda and watched the distant figures of her granddaughter and Bane strolling in the gardens. Bane’s arm was around Talia, and her head rested against his shoulder as they admired the flowers. The sight thoroughly warmed Maysam’s heart, and she felt a deep satisfaction. Her granddaughter had finally come to realize the treasure that walked beside her; Talia had told her as much, though Maysam knew it before Talia had. She had also told Maysam of Bane’s veiled skepticism, something that obviously pained Talia. Maysam, however, was not worried by Bane’s response. In time, he would accept the truth.

           “Watching the two lovebirds, are you?” Barsad sidled up to her with a cup of coffee, smelling of the breakfast they had all just finished. Yemi had wheeled Abrams back to his room, leaving Barsad and Maysam alone.

           “Yes,” she sighed. “And I’m enjoying every minute of it.”

           “Always the matchmaker, Maysam.”

           “This match was made long ago, John, by the hand of fate.”

           “Sure, but I have a feeling it wouldn’t be what it is today without your influence.”

           She did not try to hide the pride gleaming in her eyes when she turned to him. “Perhaps my influence over others isn’t as great as you think. After all, you have yet to consummate your relationship with Sanjana.”

           Barsad’s teasing smirk faded slightly. “How would you know? Cameras in my room, maybe?”

           Maysam chuckled. “I don’t need cameras to know the truth in this, John.”

           “Bane’s been blabbing to you?”

           “Of course not.” Her look was indulgent and rebuking at the same time. “Please don’t tell me you still restrain yourself because of what you said when you first met her—that you feel sleeping with her in my home would be some sort of betrayal of our past relationship.”

           “If you remember, I also told you I was cognizant of her being raped.”

           “Time has passed.”

           “Jesus, Maysam, you of all people—because of Melisande—should have a bit of compassion for what Sanjana went through.” Barsad caught himself before he could mention Amir’s assault, something he would never willing tell her, for Sanjana’s sake as well as his own.

           “I do. But there’s no denying the girl is smitten with you. Back when you first met her, she felt nothing for you. Now things are different. Surely she would be a willing participant if you merely asked her.”

           “I’m not so sure of that.”

           “Only one way to find out.”

           Barsad sighed in frustration.

           “You are bored here,” Maysam continued. “Indulge yourself.”

           “I won’t be bored much longer.”

           “What do you mean?”

           Barsad’s gaze went to Bane, sitting now beside Talia on a bench in the rose garden. “I’ll be going back out into the field.”

           “What?” Maysam went cold. “But it’s not safe. The immunity agreement was only for Bane and Talia.”

           “I told Bane I can’t stay here all the time. I’ll come back between missions.”

           “You can’t leave him.”

           “He doesn’t need me here, not anymore, Maysam. You know me—I have to be doing something.”

           “You will break Sanjana’s heart.”

           He frowned at her. “Nice try. But, like I said, I’ll come back. Bane would kill me if I missed the birth of your great-grandchild.”

           “And so would I.” She touched his arm. “Can’t you wait until after Talia gives birth? It’s only a few months.”

           “I’ve already been here a few months. The League needs me in the field, especially with Bane and Talia staying here so long. Bane agrees.”

           Maysam had watched him come and go many times over the years, but she knew this time would be even more painful. The more she aged, the more she wanted to hold onto all of them.

           “I’ve become selfish and spoiled having you with me so long,” she murmured.

           “And I’ve enjoyed every minute of it.” He put his hand over hers. “Like I said, I’ll be back regularly. Bane says he’ll only let me take part in brief missions, nothing long term. It’s all the stubborn bear will concede to.”

           “Well, if you won’t come back for me or Bane, then at least I’m confident you will come back to see Sanjana.”

           Barsad chuckled. “I’ll come back to see all of you.”

           “You will tell Sanjana about this change now or will you wait until you next leave?”

           “I’m not sure.”

           Maysam sighed and crossed her arms against her inner chill, gazed out over the courtyards and gardens. “At least I will have those two a bit longer, then the baby.”

           Eager to change the subject, Barsad asked, “What did you think of Abrams?”

           “Difficult to say since he spoke so little.”

           “Bane says he’s a man of few words.”

           “So different from you.” She sliced a coy glance his way.

           “Not so different. We have more than one thing in common, including loyalty to a certain masked curmudgeon.”

           “Allah be praised.”

           “Do you think you’ll hire Abrams? I think he’d be a good fit. And he’s no spring chicken, so a job a bit more…sedate would do him some good, Bane thinks. And he and I will sleep a bit easier when we’re away, knowing someone like Abrams is close to you…and the baby.”

           “I will get to know him better before I can decide.”

           “Understandable.”

           “But I will certainly take your recommendations to heart.” Maysam turned. “Now if you will excuse me, I am meeting the interior designer for the nursery this morning, so I must get ready.”

           “Is Talia joining you?” He glanced to the garden. “Or isn’t she interested?”

           “John. You mustn’t be so hard on Talia about this baby. She will come around; you’ll see. Bane’s interest will rub off on her, as will mine. That’s why she will be meeting the designer with me and giving her input. We’re also going on a shopping trip tomorrow to Jaipur. Buying things for the baby will inspire her, I’m sure.”

           “Does Bane know she’s going outside the palace walls?”

           “Talia will tell him today.”

           “Sure, there’s the immunity agreement, but we don’t want anyone connecting you with Talia or any of us. It will only lead to problems for you.”

           “Don’t worry. She will wear a hijab and plain clothing, nothing that will draw attention to herself.” She wagged a finger. “Don’t spoil our outing, John. Talia needs this. It will refresh her after being a prisoner here for all these months.”

           Maysam led the way back into the dining room.

           “I should go with you,” Barsad fussed.

           “No. You are still a wanted man. It’s too soon after Gotham. I will have my usual detail.”

           “Well, you’ll at least take Yemi.”

           “If it will mollify you, then very well. Now finish your coffee. It looks like Sanjana has already been in to clear the table, but she’s left the coffee.”

           “Jesus, I hope she didn’t hear us talking.”

           “I doubt it.” Taking advantage of their privacy, she bestowed a quick kiss upon his cheek. “Now, I’m off. Come join us later in Bane’s office when the decorator arrives.”

           Barsad laughed. “No, thanks. I’ll leave that to you ladies…and Bane.” He winked, drawing a smile from her before she left.

###

           The sun had set long ago, dinner had been eaten, followed by a leisurely swim and a shower, then a brief visit with Abrams. Now Barsad relaxed on his veranda, feet propped up on the railing, shooting jets of cigarette smoke into the cool night air. Sanjana was due any minute now with his nightly snack. He smiled.

           As he watched the rise of the moon, his thoughts migrated back to his conversation with Maysam that morning. Damn it, sometimes he wished Maysam wouldn’t discuss Sanjana with him. Though he knew it was a stupid sensation, he always felt disloyal to her. Sure, her desire for his happiness was genuine, but he still felt uncomfortable talking about his sex life—or lack thereof—with her. He hated it when she referred to herself as old, too old to be desired by a man. Sometimes he considered proving her wrong, but he knew she would rebuff him. She had released him long ago and insisted he find someone younger, someone worthy of his charm and wit.

           Barsad now scoffed at himself and took another draw on his cigarette. Maybe he should turn the tables and play matchmaker. But he dismissed the thought immediately. Truth be told, he wouldn’t want to witness Maysam with another man. Selfish, yes, but there it was. Then he thought of Abrams and grinned. Maybe he wouldn’t mind so much if it was someone like Abrams. After all, Maysam liked younger men. He chuckled at the thought of those two—Maysam bright and alluring, Abrams quiet and rough. Hell, anything was possible when it came to a beautiful woman; he was proof of that.

           When Sanjana’s distant knock reached him, he called out to her then crushed the remainder of his cigarette in an ashtray on the table beside him before shoving it under his chair. He stood to greet her when she halted in the open doorway. Her expression was unusually tempered. She carried a tray with fruit and cheese.

           “Would you like this here or inside?”

           “Let’s sit out here. It’s a nice night. Do you have time to stay?”

           “Yes, for a little bit.”

           “Good.”

           Barsad took the tray and set it on the table. As she sat in the wicker chair on the other side of the table, the sweet scent of lilies drifted from her. He couldn’t help breathing in deeply, not caring if she noticed or not.

           “Help yourself,” he encouraged as he took a few cubes of cheese.

           Sanjana pulled some grapes from their stems while a brief silence separated them, drawing Barsad’s curiosity. Again he thought back to this morning, and he hoped Sanjana had not heard his conversation with Maysam.

           “So what do you think of Abrams?” he asked.

           “I can’t really say. I’ve only seen him in the dining room while I was serving him. He seems a bit…shy.”

           “Bane’s never used that word to describe him,” Barsad chuckled. “I think Abrams is just a little out of practice when it comes to socializing. What I know of his life and occupation, it hasn’t encouraged positive relationships. Bane thinks he’ll fit in just fine once he’s here for a while.”

           “You expect a long convalescence?”

           “Not too long. The surgery went well, and he’s in good health otherwise. No, I’m referring to him remaining here, working for Maysam. Didn’t you hear us talking about it during lunch today?”

           “Oh, yes. That’s right. I did.”

           Barsad studied her as she ate the grapes, one by one, slowly, thoughtfully. She hadn’t fully looked at him yet; very unusual. Something was up, and his fear of what she may have heard that morning grew. He couldn’t come right out and ask her, though, because if he was wrong he’d then have opened himself up to inquiry. Perhaps he could, instead, draw her out.

           “Is something wrong, Sanjana? You seem a bit…distracted.”

           She didn’t answer right away, buying time by putting another grape into her mouth. Barsad waited, leaning forward in an attempt to draw her attention to him, but she remained focused somewhere far out in the night. He watched the soft curve of her jaw as she chewed, the changes in her lips. If she’d let him, he’d take that damn grape right out of her mouth with his tongue and eat it himself.

           “Sanjana?”

           At last she swallowed. “I’ve been thinking…about us…about our kiss yesterday.”

           He inwardly sighed in relief.

           “I want to apologize.”

           “Apologize?”

           Her lips pressed together, her eyebrows lowered. “I shouldn’t have been so forward.”

           “You weren’t forward. I initiated the kiss.”

           “But I encouraged you.”

           “Trust me, Sanjana, I don’t need encouragement. You’re a beautiful woman.”

           “But it’s wrong of me to lead you on.”

           “What’re you talking about?” He wished she would look at him.

           Her hands moved restlessly together in her lap. “My father told me, after Hisham’s nephew raped me, that I must have led him on, that I was the cause of it, that no decent girl would have gone alone with him to his house. But I thought my fiance’s father was there. I never would have gone—”

           “Sanjana.”

           She nearly jumped at the sound of his voice, as if she had forgotten he was there.

           “Look at me, Sanjana.”

           Her eyes glistened when she obeyed.

           “I’ve told you before—I’d never hurt you.”

           “I know that.”

           “When you kiss a man, you’ve given him permission to do one thing and one thing only—to kiss you back. That’s all. I’ve never taken it any other way from you.”

           “Yes, but…I know you want to…and I want to, but…”

           Shocked by her admission, Barsad moved to a loveseat beside her chair, angled it toward her. “But what?”

           “I’m sorry, John,” she blurted. “But I heard you and Madam talking this morning, after breakfast. I was clearing the table, and I heard my name. I shouldn’t have listened, but I went to the door so I could.”

           Barsad bit back a curse.

           “You must understand,” Sanjana continued, “it’s not that I don’t want to be with you. It’s just that…I don’t know if I can be…with you or any man. And because of that, I shouldn’t be throwing myself at you.”

           Barsad took her hands in his, forcing her to turn to him. “You haven’t been throwing yourself at me. Don’t feel pressured by anything you’ve heard Maysam say or by anything I may have said.”

           “But you told Madam you will be going away again. Is it because of me?”

           “Of course not. If anything could make me stay, it would be you. But it’s not in my nature to sit idle for so long. I’m a soldier, Sanjana.”

           “Miss Talia stays because she is pregnant. Mr. Bane stays because of her. Maybe you would stay if you had me.”

           “That has nothing to do with me going, Sanjana. I promise you. I have work to do. With Bane and Talia here, our organization needs someone from the upper echelon in the field. That’s me. Bane agrees. It’s time for things to change.”

           “But maybe if I—”

           “No.” He wiped away the single tear that had trickled down her cheek. “I don’t want it to be that way. If the day comes when you feel comfortable with something more intimate between us, that’s great. But if the day never comes or you find someone more suited to you,” he shrugged, “that’s okay, too.”

           “No man will ever be as understanding as you.”

           “You might be surprised. Not all men are assholes.”

           “But in my culture—”

           “Don’t get hung up on culture. People can surprise you. You’re worth stepping outside of boundaries for.” He he9ld her hands a bit tighter and leaned in closer. “I’ll tell you a secret.” He offered a tiny grin to draw her away from her sad focus.

           “A secret?” she said near a whisper.

           “Yes, about a woman I was once with, someone outside my culture. A strict Muslim at the time, in fact.”

           Sanjana’s dark eyes widened.

           “And she was also married.”

           Sanjana gave a tiny gasp. “Did you love her?”

           “Yes, very much. We risked everything to be together. She’d never done anything like that before. But she threw caution to the wind because she loved me, too. And someday there’ll be someone in your life willing to step outside of the norm to be with you.”

           “What happened to her?”

           “Eventually I broke things off for her sake. I knew what her husband would do to her if he ever found out.”

           “She should have left him.”

           Barsad chuckled. “Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Well, things never are, are they, when it comes to relationships? No, even if she would’ve left him, he would’ve found her and killed her.”

           “But you would have stopped him.”

           “Not back then. I didn’t have the abilities or resources that I have now to protect those I care about. He was a very powerful, dangerous man. And she feared for my safety, too. That’s why she agreed it was best to end our affair.”

           Sanjana’s eyes had softened, and her own despair had drifted away with his story and her sympathy for him. “Is she still married?”

           “No, her husband died a few years back.”

           “Then why aren’t you with her?”

           Barsad chuckled. “Like I said, relationships are never simple. I still see her, but we’re just friends. We’re both content with it now.” He touched her cheek. “And I’m content with what you and I have. Don’t put pressure on yourself. I won’t.”

           She produced a small, melancholy smile. “I don’t need to find someone who will understand my situation. I’ve already found him. But now I’m going to lose him.”

           “Nah. I’ll be back. With Talia pregnant, Bane won’t let me be gone for long stretches of time. And that’s fine with me. It’ll be enough to keep me entertained, and in the meantime I can come back here and spend time with you. So I have the best of both worlds.” His words didn’t cheer her, so he patted the space beside him. “C’mere. Sit with me.” Once she obeyed, he put his arm around her and eased her close. “There. Now just relax and forget all this. Let’s enjoy tonight and not think about tomorrow, okay?”

           “Okay,” she murmured.

           He kissed her cheek, and she smiled before resting her head on his shoulder. Together they gazed off into the night, silent now, their fingers entwined.