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aurora-the-kunoichi · 5 years ago

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Forced Time

Reader and Raphael - Angsty Bullshit

(I thought I posted this already but can’t find it here or my AO3. So here it is again?)

This wasn’t how you expected your day to go, not at all. This was supposed to be a fun little trip into the lower tunnels of the old subway stations to take some unique pictures for your newly renovated office. Raphael had caught wind of your plans for a subterranean venture when you were talking to Donnie about a possible light source and offered to be your escort.

You hadn’t even realized his intimidating presence loitering in the door way of Donnie’s lab before his booming voice interrupted your discussion. “It’s dangerous to go all the way down there by yourself. It’s a never ending maze and you could get lost forever if you don’t have someone who knows the layouts. I..um…I’ll take ya down.” The temperamental terrapin grumbled in the doorway spinning a single sai in his skilled fingers.

Donnie’s brown eyes looked to you and back to his hothead brother and agreed laughing under his breath like he knew something you didn’t. “He’s right Y/N, it’s better to go with someone just in case something happens. The boost I made to both your cells a few weeks ago should give you both service down there, as an extra precaution.”

If it had been any other of the brothers you would have protested, you weren’t a helpless little girl. You had lived in New York all your life and had spent most of your teenage years exploring the sewers. And funny enough that was how you met the turtles. You had been visiting your old hideout, a deserted pump station when you stumbled upon the four of them scavenging parts from the station for a new project for the genius. You had heard stories of four green monsters roaming the sewers but chalked it up to paranoid crack heads making up stories to get attention. But there they were, huge, muscular and fucking beautiful.

Your eyes had immediately trained in on the red brute, and found yourself a little awe struck by his impressive stature and piercing green eyes. You had been smitten with Raphael from that day but hadn’t been able to tell him, you just didn’t have the confidence to step out on that particular limb. Not yet at least. So when Raphael volunteered to escort you down to the abandoned station you were quick to agree with fake annoyance.

Both you and the brute were fitted with Donnie’s newest contraption, an LED light pack that illuminated everything around you for 200 feet. Nearly indestructible, charged from kinetic energy by the simple movement of footsteps and thankfully light as a feather. Don was excited that it was getting their first field test and demanded a full report when you got back.

You both had made it down a few levels and were admiring the architecture and snapping several shots of the abandoned structures when a rumble echoed below your feet. It was barely noticeable at first, just a small vibration that steadily grew. You looked over at Raphael and found the big mutant currently running his green fingers over a stone pillar seemly unaware of the tremor. Lifting your camera you took a quick shot of him catching his attention. His green eyes fixated on you and his lips curled into a shit eating grin.

“See somethin’ you like?” he growled softly just enough to reach your ears.

You were about to answer the loaded question when the ground at your feet started heaving and cracking making everything around you start to crumble and shift. Pillars slid from their bases shattering into pieces at your feet followed by large sections of ceiling giving way no longer supported by their supports. On instinct you dodged the falling debris as it came crashing down nearly crushing you beneath its weight. More and more of the crumbling structure began to fall and you tried to find Raphael through it all, searching for his emerald skin and red bandana.

“Raphael!” you screamed leaping out of the way of a large ancient light fixer as it came crashing down. Rolling away from the shattering glass you scrambled to your feet feeling a shard pierce the flesh of your thigh but ignored the pain for the preservation of you life. Just then you heard the deep voice of Raphael bellow out your name just in time for you to notice a gigantic section of the ceiling about to crush you.

A small chunk hit your shoulder first making you cry out and closed your eyes waiting for the end, for the unforgiving eternal darkness to claim you. You felt the hit, the force making the colors behind your eyes snap white for a second then bursting to a brilliant array of multi colors. Then you felt yourself slam to the ground, the back of your skull colliding with the hard ground and you started to cry out but stifled your response when you heard a loud grunt just above you.

Before you opened your eyes you felt dust and small pieces of debris fall to your cheeks but nothing big. Nothing that would crush you or break bones, just the pain from your thigh, shoulder and now the throbbing from the back of your skull.

Shaking the loose debris from your face you finally allowed your eyes to open and found the brute’s straining face just above yours. Then you suddenly became very aware of the dire situation you both were now in. Raphael and his shell were currently keeping several very large pieces of the cement ceiling from crushing you both. Each of his green hands was on either side of your face and the densely bunched muscles in his biceps and triceps were quivering from the strain of the immense weight he was supporting.

His eyes were scrunched closed as he concentrated on keeping you both alive, keeping his body from coming down on you suffocating you both. It was then you realized just how strong Raph was, and you were immediately thankful he had followed you down, because if he didn’t you would be dead.

Thankfully Donnie’s lights had seemed to take the abuse of the collapse and kept you both from the darkness; you don’t what you would have done if you were down there in the pitch black, trapped.

“R-raph…”

His green eyes shot open and huffed a heavy breath from his efforts and tried his best to smile. “Are y-ya hurt?”

“I h-have a cut on my leg, my shoulder hurts and I knocked the back of my head pretty good. But other than that I think I’m good…..well as much as one can be in this situation. Are you…are you ok?”

Another grunt as the debris on top of him shifted and he lowered towards you an inch. “I’m peachy; I think I cracked my shell though…..look y/n I need you to pull out my phone and hit the emergency button. It’s in my left pocket. We’re gonna need help, I don’t know how long I can hold this?”

Another shift and the closer he came. You could feel his labored breathing fan across your face, if the situation wasn’t so dire you would have been happy to be this close to his handsome face. Inching down his large frame the best you could in the cramped quarters you found the pocket and sunk your hand it searching for the device. Your fingers quickly found the phone but also managed to knock against something hanging between his legs soft and heavy.

You heard his breath catch and you swore under your breath quickly pulling the phone out and pressed the button. After a few agonizing seconds the phone rage and Leo’s concerned voice boomed through the speakers.

“Raph! Are you ok? What happened?”

“Fearless, w-we may need some assistance. There must have been an earth quake below us and made the room collapse on us.” You could hear the stress in his voice, Raph was struggling.

“Y/N? Is she ok?”

“Yeah Leo, we’re both ok for now. Can..um…you guys hurry? Raph doesn’t look so good.” You cut in hoping to hurry them.

Raphael hissed and shook his head, “I’m fine, just get your asses down here.”

“We’re on our way, hold on you two.” Leo called before the phone went dead leaving you both alone again.

The surrounding area was quiet now besides a few pieces falling into the destroyed space that was once a train station from the aftermath. Hopefully the worst was over. If one more heavy piece fell on his shell you’d both be done for.

You put the phone away in your pocket and looked up to find Raphael staring at you. His green eyes were wide and his breathing was coming quicker than before. Something cracked and moved and Raph grunted again collapsing further down.

“You saved me.” You suddenly said reaching up to touch his face that was so close you could have leaned up and kissed those lips you had craved ever since you had met the mutant.

“I ah, I couldn’t stand the thought of ya dyin.” His voice was low and shaky like he was unsure of himself.

You didn’t know if these moments were going to be your last, it would be a shame if you didn’t tell him how you felt and you both died not knowing. Both your hands grabbed a hold of his arms hoping to give him your strength to keep his firm. You pressed to try and assist with the weight knowing it was futile but you hated sitting there doing nothing while he bore the whole load by himself.

“Raph.” You started looking up into his face; you could see sweat beading on his forehead. “I know this might be the most appropriate time for this but then again it might be the perfect time. I don’t wanna die not knowing what it feels like…..” you trailed off suddenly feeling a little self conscious.

“You wanna know what, what feels like?” he urged licking his dry lips.

God you felt stupid, just go for it, “If this is the end and the guys can’t get down here in time, I don’t wanna die not knowing what it felt like to kiss you.”

Again his breath caught and his fierce eyes focused down on you, “Ya wanna kiss me? How long have you wanted to do that?”

Slowly your right hand left his arm and pressed softly on his scared plastron, “Since the first day I met you.”

“W-why….fuck….” he collapsed further down and his mouth was inched from yours and his plastron was brushing against your stomach now. “Why didn’t you say anything earlier?” there was a hint of panic now in his voice.

“I was scared.”

“And you’re not scared now?”

You lifted your head a little to brush your lips against his, “I’m terrified Raphael. I don’t wanna die. But these could be our last moments and I don’t want to waste them worrying about what could have been. I’m going to kiss you now.” You took a deep breath and captured his lips moaning softly when he returned the kiss with vigor immediately pressing his tongue into your mouth.

God he tasted good, like sweat and leather wrapped in spices. His broad tongue swirled against yours making you wonder how he got so good at this. How many people had he kissed? Quit thinking about that now you idiot. Abandoning his chest and arm you cupped his cheeks slanting your mouth allowing your mouths to move smoother with each other. Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn’t you be in your apartment right now lying down on your bed with his weight pressing you blissfully down in to the mattress instead of inches from crushing you?

A snap was heard followed by a grinding sound and your mouths broke free gasping for breath. His eyes widened as if knowing what was coming and he braced the best he could. Another piece collided with the back of his shell and he yelped in pain closing the last empty space between your bodies. His golden plastron pressed down expelling the remaining air from your lungs.

From the newly added weight his face was now buried in your neck and Raphael could hear you start to gasp for air, he was suffocating you. He tried to push himself up, tried to give you the space you needed for your lungs to expand to get the oxygen you required. But it was no use, he was pinned and the last remaining strength he had was keeping the horrid weight from crushing your bones.

You couldn’t breathe and all the weight that was on your chest wouldn’t allow you any leeway to the air you desperately needed. You were going to die here but at least you were in his arms.

“Raphael!” you could hear them in the distance, they were coming.

“L-LEO! Over here quick!” Raphael tried to scream but it only came out in a muffled cry and his plastron was beginning to concave in on itself.

“The signal is coming from over here!” you heard Donnie calling, but it was like he was getting farther away. All the sounds felt like they were getting father away. God you needed air, you didn’t want to die. The darkness was creeping around your vision pulling you towards oblivion. You brain was reacting to the lack of oxygen and was shutting down, you were dying.

Slowly your fingers slid over his cheeks memorizing how he felt, the soft ridges of his scales and the scar across his lip, the lips you had just got to kiss. His breath was hot against your ear coming in shallower now; the pressure was affecting his ability to breath now too.

Raphael could feel your fingers glide across his skin, feeling, touching. Then they slowed and stopped halting their exploration falling from their perch on his face. “Y/N?” he gasped the best he could. “Y/N they’re almost here, hold on!” But you were no longer struggling against him; your chest was still now, unmoving. “No! NO!”

Suddenly everything on top of him began to shift and lift alleviating the pressure and Raphael sucked in dusty but much needed air into his burning lungs. The final piece lifted and three pairs of strong hands lifted him up and onto his feet allowing him to see your lifeless form lying on the cold ground.

Raphael lunged forward out of his brothers grasp and lifted your limp body into his arms and away from your makeshift tomb. Setting you down quickly he started chest compressions and CPR frantically trying to breath the life back into you.

Seconds turned into minutes and nothing happened. Your body shifted listlessly below his hands as his three brothers watched anxiously over his shoulder.

“Come on Y/N, wake up! Please I need you to wake up! Fuck!” he continued his compressions and Donnie’s hand rested on his shoulder.

“She’s gone Raph; if you keep going you’re going to crush her rib cage.”

“No Donnie, I’m not giving up! We just….. I got to…..finally got to kiss her. I’ve wanted to do that since we saw her staring wide eyed at us over a year ago. I wanna…..I wanna do it again.” Raphael leaned down again blowing air into your lungs and finally crumbled under the emotional stress and stopped, leaving his lips covering yours. He pressed his lips one more time to yours kissing you, savoring how you tasted one more time.

Then without warning your lips responded and your hands lifted encircling his neck pulling him down so you could kiss him deeper, to tasted him better. A shuttering cry left him as he realized you were alive and plunged his tongue into your mouth in pure relief.

With a pop he pulled free of you looking down at your smiling face. “You’re alive!”

Allowing him to pull you up into a sitting position you coughed, “I had to give Donnie a report on how his lights fared in their first field test. Plus how could I disappoint you if you wanted another kiss?”

Raphael growled and closed the distance covering your mouth with his again.

Donnie looked back and forth to Mikey and Leo and returned his eyes back to you and Raphael, “So how did they do?”

#tmnt #tmnt raphael #forced time #one shot #tmnt fandom #tmnt fanfiction #angst #TMNT TMNT fanfiction

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10bestsunglassbrandsformen · 4 years ago

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10 Best Sunglass Brands For Men

The Best Shades Brands to Purchase Before Summer Shows up:

Tune in, I could reveal to you that "shades are the ideal last little detail to any mid year outfit" or that they're an "simple approach to add a fly of character to your warm climate looks" however let's go, who are we joking? The genuine and just motivation to wear shades is that they look so screwing cool.

The sheer measure of pictures accessible online of trendy superstars hindering in shades (that I might have spent the better piece of an hour looking through "for research") is shocking. Has any one extra enlivened more individuals to assembled such gigantic fits?

I'm an enormous promoter for wearing your shades all year, inside and out. I have a companion who regularly shakes shades out around evening time and he generally appears to pull it off with panache. (Also, by companion I mean me. Indeed, I'm that fella. I'm a dick. Ideal to meet you, as well.)

Recently I've been truly feeling colored shades (I have a couple gotten into my front pocket as I compose this—y'know, for crises), and when any Nosey Nancy inquires as to why I'm wearing shades inside, I disgrace them quickly by saying my eyes are forever hindered from consistent openness to each screen I own and now I must choose the option to look way cooler any place I'm (for confirmation, see: Nicholson, Jack).

1 Carrera

Carrera has been making its particular hustling propelled shades since the '50s, and years and years after the fact it got a definitive blessing: procurement by Safilo, probably the greatest name in the business.

2 Warby Parker

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3 Ray-Ban

Beam Boycott is the first and last name with regards to shades, with the inventory of now-signature styles to back it up. In the event that Travelers were adequate for Tom Voyage in Dangerous Business, they're certain as hellfire sufficient for you now.

4 Oakley

Oakley's shamelessly brilliant wraparound conceals offer precisely the perfect measure of over-the-top oomph for this time of maximalist menswear, and the brand's exemplary styles are beginning to look genuine strong right about now, as well.

5 Moscot

Moscot's been in the shades game for a moment at this point (and by brief I mean longer than a century), and the fifth era (!) of Moscot relatives presently work at the organization. Any name that moves that degree of reliability merits looking at.

6 Garrett Leight

Garrett Leight stops by the shades exchange sincerely. The child of Larry Leight, the author of Oliver People groups, Garrett dispatched his own namesake mark in 2011 in the wake of getting familiar with everything working for his father's organization, and today makes probably the best shades around.

7 Tom Ford

Not many true blue design brands have figured out how to turn into a strong asset for shades other than for Tom Passage. It helps that the fashioner himself is once in a while seen without a couple nowadays, and that he's his image's own best minister.

8 Oliver Peoples

Oliver People groups' shades make you consider sun-soaked California days and the apparently unlimited chances of a long summer end of the week. Is there any preferred underwriting over that (other than for perhaps an especially essential American Psycho holler)?

9 Persol

Persol is a definitive in Italian extravagance shades. The brand was an undisputed top choice of Steve McQueen's since the time the Lord of Cool appeared at the arrangement of The Thomas Crown Undertaking shaking a couple of the brand's 714 shades (a style that currently bears his name).

10 Celine

As innovative overseer of Celine, Pheobe Philo changed the once-sluggish French style house into a basic sweetheart profoundly (and I mean profoundly) darling by knowing ladies all throughout the planet. Philo left her position a couple of years prior, however the in fact unisex shades she presented are still near, and stay probably the most ideal alternatives for people the same.

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86-was-his-year · 6 years ago

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I Loved You | Jung Jaehyun |

Summary: You loved Jaehyun but as he slowly moves away and becomes distant you try to fill the void with something else.

Requested: Yes! Maybe like a friend's to lovers au when jae gets angsty when you get a bf but you only date to get over jae

Warnings: Swearing, Angst, not really dating for love? (It’s not smut for once in my life)

The scowl was permanent on my face as I watch Jaehyun talk with his friend group. We were in the middle of having lunch when the group walked in and stole his attention. He was laughing and enjoying their company far more than he was enjoying mine, especially one of a little blonde who sat on the edge of the booth, staring into his eyes and laughing at everything he said. He wasn’t paying much attention to her but when he did it made my inside flare with jealousy.

I was debating whether I should leave or stay when he finally plopped his butt back down in the booth. He was all smiles and dimples and the rage that once flowed through me left my body as soon as he sat down.

“Sorry, I had to tell them something.” He sighed and picked up his sandwich, smiling before he took a gigantic bite.

“It’s okay, Anyway as you were saying?” I picked up my drink and sipped out of the straw as he continued his story. Always keeping my eye on the little blonde who turned her gaze this way ever so slightly.

That was the day I knew I was in love with him. The way I hated how she looked at him when he should just be looking at me. And it angered me how he would often say that he had plans with her and the other gang when I wanted to see a movie or just hang at his place and watch movies.

“Daphne wants to do this.” or “Daphne wants to do that.” I found myself wanting to just cut off ties with him all together but then I remember all the good times we’ve had together and I forget forgetting him. That lead me to today, sitting on the bench in front of the movie theater waiting for him to show up.

“Jaehyun where are you? The movie has already started.” He finally picked up and he giggled.

“Sorry Y/N, I’m a little busy at the moment.” His giggle was followed by another, more feminine sounding voice.

“Who is over there?” I knew the answer to my question even before I asked it. I just wanted to be sure.

“Nobody. Shhh.” He pulled the phone away from his ear and whispered some things that I couldn’t understand and brought it back to his head, “Nothing you need to worry about.”

“Alright Jaehyun, Fuck you I’ll see this movie without you then.” I took the phone away from my ear and angrily hung up the phone. Tears of anger and sadness leaked into my eyes and I almost called him back to apologize. But, before I could muster the strength someone called my name.

“Y/N? Is that you?” Lucas’ voice rang across the parking lot and I looked up to see him running towards me. I wiped my tears and smiled at him.

“Yeah, it’s me.” I quietly said, scooting over so he could have room on the bench.

“What are you doing here by yourself?” He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer, ready to hear all about it.

“Jaehyun blew me off for what’s her face.” I put my head on his shoulder and began to feel the anger rise in me again.

“Yeah, Daphne? They’ve been doing that a lot lately.” We sat in silence and watched as people went in for their movies. “Tell you what. Forget both of them and come see a movie with me. I’ll pay.” Lucas smiled and rubbed my arm comfortingly.

“Sure, that sounds nice.” I smiled and walked into the theater with him. It was no secret that Lucas had a crush on me. He asked me to the dance multiple times and asked me to the movies more than I could count but Jaehyun always told me to stay away from him. But, at the moment I didn’t care what Jaehyun had to say about my life so, I wen tot he movies with Lucas.

The movie went great and I found myself sincerely enjoying his company by the end of the night. I took a couple pictures after the movie and posted them with a simple caption, saying I had fun and that we should do it again. I didn’t realize it then but I relished in the fact the Jaehyun might see it.

Later that night after Lucas dropped me off I got a call from Jaehyun. Part of me begged myself to let it go to voicemail for what he did to me but the other half begged for m to pick it up and actually give him the time of day, unlike what he had done to you. My sympathetic side won and I picked it up.

“Hello?” I held the phone to my ear and logged into my computer, getting ready to watch Netflix and wind down for the night.

“What were you doing with Lucas?” Jaehyun’s voice was angry and coarse. I smiled and listened to his angry breath and he waited for my response.

“Well, after you decided to ditch me for your whore, Lucas swooped in and watched the damn movie with me and I had a fantastic time.” I was planning on just laying low and waiting until Daphne was out of the picture but, I couldn’t let him sit there and have control over me.

“I told you to stay away from him.” He sounded even more angry now that I brought Daphne into the mix but I couldn’t care less.

“Yeah, and why did you do that? I could’ve been dating him the whole time. He’s such a sweet guy.” I was sugar coating it and I knew that it would piss him off but milking this out of him was fun, especially after he blew me off like that.

“I’ve told you he’s a bad person Y/N. He’ll-” The line beeped and Lucas was calling, wow the God’s were really looking our for me today.

“I’m sorry Lucas is actually calling me right now, I’ll call you back if I get the chance.” I hung up of Jaehyun and took Lucas’ call. We ended up talking all night while watching Netflix together and I felt like this is where I could be.

A week later Lucas asked for my hand in marriage. Just kidding, he asked if we could go steady and I said yes, posting it all over Instagram and Snapchat, knowing Jaehyun would also see these. Everyone commented on how we were such a cute couple and how we looked like we were meant to be together. It made me smile and the way he talked to me made my heart melt but it just wasn’t the same.

Jaehyun had stopped talking to me after I deemed Lucas and I’s relationship official. He sent me a text that lasted forever and I didn’t read it, knowing he was scolding me and telling me to break up with Lucas and this and that but, I felt happy now and I’m sure him and Daphne did too.

Lucas took me on so many dates and spent night over at my house and met my parents but they didn’t seem as happy as I thought they would. After Lucas left I confronted them about it.

“Why aren’t you happy that I’m dating Lucas?” I asked quietly. They turned to each other and sighed.

“Honey we are, we really are. I’ts just we thought you would get together with Jaehyun. We haven’t seen him in a while and well, we just want to know what happened between you two.” I stared at them for a long while and got up. The door was slammed before they could day anything else and I was in my car ready to drive home. I took the long route and blasted music, thinking about everything my parents had just said to me.

Maybe I was supposed to be with Jaehyun. I missed him everyday and when Lucas touched me I often compared it to Jae. They were completely different in multiple ways and I found myself missing Jaehyun’s touch more than I missed Lucas’.

The guilt began when I almost called Lucas by Jaehyun’s name. He didn’t catch it but my heart hurt as I figured out what I had been doing. This whole time I dated Lucas I had been comparing between Jaehyun. I hoped that Jaehyun would crack and text me but it was me who was breaking at the thought of him. Lucas had been a distraction and pay back for what he had done to me and now it had gone too far, I texted Lucas later with an apology and a break up text, knowing that I would never do it in person.

He was clam and collected which I thought was weird and as I tried to text another apology the text was unable to be sent and I knew he had blocked my number. I looked on his social media and our pictures were deleted but new ones had come as soon as the old one’s were deleted. Him and Daphne posing and kissing as if him and I had never happened. I deleted our pictures through tears and texted Jaehyun.

“We need to talk.” He responded with a quick “okay” and now I just waited for him to show. He knocked around 10 minutes later and I immediately let him in. He swung open the door and engulfed me in a big hug, closing the door with his foot.

“I’m so sorry for everything I did. I didn’t mean to blow you off for that slut. She played me and I followed right along but she was cheating with Lucas. Are you okay?” He held me by the shoulders and searched my face.

“I’m a little hurt but I’ll manage. I could never really see myself with Lucas. I’m sorry I did that. I guess it was to get back at you for dating Daphne.” I explained and looked to the ground.

“I only dated Daphne to get your attention you stupid.” Jaehyun laughed and pulled me into another hug. “I loved you.” He took a shuddering breath and held me tighter.

“Will you still be my Netflix buddy?” I asked while I squeezed him back.

“Better than that. I’ll be your Netflix boyfriend.” He said chuckling. We stood there for a couple of second before shaking our head and falling into a fit of giggles.

“Please never say that again.” I poked his sides and he looped his arm around my shoulder as I led him to my bedroom.

“Only if you finally agree to date me?” He asked quietly.

“Of course you big goon.”

#Sloppy fic #jaehyun #jung jaeh #jaehyun soft hours #nct soft hours #this is so gross #i'm so sorry

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ladimelanina · 8 years ago

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There's Hurt and Pain Around My Beautiful Dark Skin

God told me to write this. She said, “You’re entering the next stage in your life and you won’t be able to bring this shit with you. You have important work to do and this baggage will only continue to hold you back from your purpose.”

To those I’m speaking of: I’m not sorry if the way I remember your behavior offends you. These are my memories and my truth from my perspective. If I’m fucked up, broken and dysfunctional it’s because of you, but I allowed it. And being aware of that, it is now on me to change it - to heal it.

Be aware of the internal, psychological, spiritual, and emotional damage you may be causing someone. It’s way more than “kids having harmless fun.” Don’t teach your kids that stupid shit. #sorrynotsorry

All I ever hear these days is how beautiful and rich my complexion is. It was odd to me at first, especially coming from Black people. White people and foreigners have always found me beautiful but with my people, it was like NOW they wanted to be around me BECAUSE of my dark skin when, before college, it had basically been a “black people repellent”. I was in the twilight zone so I couldn’t always tell if they were fucking with me, complimenting me so they could get something out of me or if they were actually sincere. I’ve experienced a little bit of each. I still struggle with being able to tell the difference today because some people get off on being nasty to others for no reason. I have plenty of experience with those types.

Looking back on the first time I became aware that my looks were undesirable to the people in my own community makes me sad for us due to the intense brainwashing into self-hate that we have endured. I was 5 or 6 when an adult, at least 30 to 40 years my senior, said something negative to me about my complexion, all because my front tire accidentally entered her yard as I was falling off my bike. I forever saw her as an evil bitch after that and did my best to avoid her and her evil daughter who is another story altogether. But we lived on opposite ends of the same 4-house unit in the projects where I grew up, so it wasn’t an easy task. What kind of mentality does a person have who would call a 5 year old out of their name instead of helping a little girl who fell off her bike? If my adult self could go back in time, there’s no telling the words I would have with her but also the positive vibes I would instill in that little girl so that she’d be prepared and unbothered by the host of negative encounters to come.

I always loved my family but I hated those overnight trips to visit my grandma’s sister. The colorism was real over there and I was always isolated. The cousins in my age group wouldn’t touch me with a 10-foot pole so I just spent those days sitting alone, watching them play and take time out of play to laugh at me. Nobody ever stopped it as far as I can remember. The last time I saw my great aunt before she passed, she said, “You turned out prettier than I would have thought.” I was stunned and I wasn’t gonna talk back to an old woman so I just thought, “Wow! You actually thought of me as an ugly child and didn’t think there would be any hope for me to one day be a beautiful woman because I’m dark.”

I learned early on that nobody had my back and everyone, including family, had the potential to hurt me. (Naturally, I have trust issues.) I have a great uncle, to this day, that never really asks me how I’m doing or takes much interests in what’s going on in my life but when my lighter-skinned family members come around, he hangs on their every word and action.

The day I knew I was really alone was when I was at my aunt’s house. It was just my cousin, who I consider my brother because we were both raised by our Grandma, and my aunt’s god daughter who was kinda my friend but wasn’t as much a friend to me as I had been to her. I’ve heard so many insults over the years that I’m not even sure what he said - blackie, purple, burnt, crispy, stay out of the sun - just pick one. But it sparked a fit of rage where I lost control of myself and proceeded to beat him into every room on the top floor, crying and screaming hysterically while he laughed and she looked on giggling here and there. It was one of the worst hurts because I thought I could at least depend on him to stand up for me but there were times when he would join in on the ridicule and I’d just be forced to wander off and cry alone. From that day, I would subconsciously embark on a life of not drawing attention to myself. Being sure to keep myself in the background and in the shadows of whatever was going on around me.

I didn’t go to school dances and other events. I didn’t go to my high school prom. I don’t even think I had a birthday party beyond the age of 10. In the 10th grade I would wander around the military base (yea, I’m a former army brat) at lunch time with my discman and go into stores and look at magazines and books because I didn’t have any friends to eat lunch with. I avoided wearing bright colors like yellow, pink and orange because it emphasized my darkness even more. No matter how girly I really wanted to be, I dressed like a boy until I was about 19. I guess it seemed like a pretty good disguise at the time.

Along the way, I learned that insults from boys were usually a one and done situation but the girls, even the ones who claimed to be my friends or hang out with me when no one else was available, would constantly pick at me as if trying to break me down little by little everyday. My “friends” would do it in front of people they were trying to impress. In middle school, my homeroom teacher asked us to bring in old pictures of ourselves to share with the class. As my kindergarten picture (above) got passed around, one girl stopped everything by saying, “Who is this? She’s cute but damn, she black!” If I could slap the shit out of her today I would. I was scared to even try to make friends with other black girls. I got to a point where I just assumed that every time one of them laughed or whispered they were talking about me. That paranoia still haunts me. I easily made friends with boys but any girl that I was friends with was one who approached me first. I really don’t even know how to make friends because I’ve always stayed in my box until I was approached. Any best friends I had in the different states and countries I lived in was usually more like an ONLY friend.

I’m more introspective and reflective than quick witted so I never really knew how to stand up for myself, which is one of my only regrets. My comebacks always came hours or days later when I was alone in thought, in the shower or listening to music. I would beat myself up about not responding then promise myself that next time I would say something and be quick about it. There’s only one instance I can remember where I actually said something. The details are fuzzy, but just the feeling of saying something as simple as “shut yo ugly, bitch-ass up” was soooooo worth it! No one was expecting that because I was known for being quiet and shy and I usually just walked away with my head down. Everybody laughed at him and it felt good. I wish I’d done it more often but it is what it is.

One thing that kinda kept me sane, but still dysfunctional in my isolation and loneliness, was the fact that although no one ever told me, I never thought I was ugly. I always had this theory that I was actually pretty but no one could see it because they were distracted by my skin. In fact I knew I was cute, I was a dark skinned version of my mom and people are always talking about how pretty she is and how I am her spitting image. I have beautiful aunts and handsome uncles that all resemble each other so it was impossible that I was ugly. And my dad, although I never knew him and his family well, my grandma always said he was very handsome. Sometimes before my mom got home from work I would slather on her foundation to change me to her brown complexion for a few minutes and look in the mirror. I didn’t wish I was light skinned but if I could’ve changed it, I would’ve chosen her brown over my black.

I was told by a family member to be sure to marry a lighter skinned man when I grow up so that my children won’t have to go through the same thing I did. I need y’all to see me shine now because no child should have to go through any of that. Wishing they were lighter and having to activate dysfunctional defense mechanisms to get through each day. Allow children to be their unique selves and be proud of it. As I said before it was a grown-ass woman who took the first stab at me, a child; and her daughter inherited her mean nasty attitude. You, the adult, need to change so that your kids don’t model your sickness. Yes, it’s sick and kids only do what they see you doing. As far as I’m concerned I was ridiculed by the children of a lot of sick adults who are now adults themselves and probably teaching the same level of dysfunctional behavior to the next generation. STOP IT! Heed your grandma’s age old advice - If you ain’t got nothin nice to say, keep you damn mouth shut.

It’s been a rough road for me emotionally but if I hadn’t had to build myself up from the very bottom of self-esteem, worth and confidence I might have turned out to be a conceited little asshole that believed that I had to put others down in order to assert my own self-worth. I’m multi-talented, I’m nice to everyone I meet, I’m interested in the uniqueness of others, and it may be cliche but I care about making the world a better place. I’m proud of the person I’ve become thus far and I’m still learning and growing. This is just the beginning.

Although this really is only the half, a gigantic weight has been lifted from my soul. I think I can move on now.

Thanks for reading!

#deeplymelanated #lifestyleart #darkskin #therapy #melaninpoppin #selfesteem #ladimelanina #woman #women #queen #goddess #pain #childhood #colorism #black #buyblack #blackwallstreet

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readbookywooks · 8 years ago

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"Such was the history of my beloved cottagers. It impressed me deeply. I learned, from the views of social life which it developed, to admire their virtues and to deprecate the vices of mankind. "As yet I looked upon crime as a distant evil, benevolence and generosity were ever present before me, inciting within me a desire to become an actor in the busy scene where so many admirable qualities were called forth and displayed. But in giving an account of the progress of my intellect, I must not omit a circumstance which occurred in the beginning of the month of August of the same year. "One night during my accustomed visit to the neighbouring wood where I collected my own food and brought home firing for my protectors, I found on the ground a leathern portmanteau containing several articles of dress and some books. I eagerly seized the prize and returned with it to my hovel. Fortunately the books were written in the language, the elements of which I had acquired at the cottage; they consisted of Paradise Lost, a volume of Plutarch's Lives, and the Sorrows of Werter. The possession of these treasures gave me extreme delight; I now continually studied and exercised my mind upon these histories, whilst my friends were employed in their ordinary occupations. "I can hardly describe to you the effect of these books. They produced in me an infinity of new images and feelings, that sometimes raised me to ecstasy, but more frequently sunk me into the lowest dejection. In the Sorrows of Werter, besides the interest of its simple and affecting story, so many opinions are canvassed and so many lights thrown upon what had hitherto been to me obscure subjects that I found in it a never-ending source of speculation and astonishment. The gentle and domestic manners it described, combined with lofty sentiments and feelings, which had for their object something out of self, accorded well with my experience among my protectors and with the wants which were forever alive in my own bosom. But I thought Werter himself a more divine being than I had ever beheld or imagined; his character contained no pretension, but it sank deep. The disquisitions upon death and suicide were calculated to fill me with wonder. I did not pretend to enter into the merits of the case, yet I inclined towards the opinions of the hero, whose extinction I wept, without precisely understanding it. "As I read, however, I applied much personally to my own feelings and condition. I found myself similar yet at the same time strangely unlike to the beings concerning whom I read and to whose conversation I was a listener. I sympathized with and partly understood them, but I was unformed in mind; I was dependent on none and related to none. "The path of my departure was free," and there was none to lament my annihilation. My person was hideous and my stature gigantic. What did this mean? Who was I? What was I? Whence did I come? What was my destination? These questions continually recurred, but I was unable to solve them. "The volume of Plutarch's Lives which I possessed contained the histories of the first founders of the ancient republics. This book had a far different effect upon me from the Sorrows of Werter. I learned from Werter's imaginations despondency and gloom, but Plutarch taught me high thoughts; he elevated me above the wretched sphere of my own reflections, to admire and love the heroes of past ages. Many things I read surpassed my understanding and experience. I had a very confused knowledge of kingdoms, wide extents of country, mighty rivers, and boundless seas. But I was perfectly unacquainted with towns and large assemblages of men. The cottage of my protectors had been the only school in which I had studied human nature, but this book developed new and mightier scenes of action. I read of men concerned in public affairs, governing or massacring their species. I felt the greatest ardour for virtue rise within me, and abhorrence for vice, as far as I understood the signification of those terms, relative as they were, as I applied them, to pleasure and pain alone. Induced by these feelings, I was of course led to admire peaceable lawgivers, Numa, Solon, and Lycurgus, in preference to Romulus and Theseus. The patriarchal lives of my protectors caused these impressions to take a firm hold on my mind; perhaps, if my first introduction to humanity had been made by a young soldier, burning for glory and slaughter, I should have been imbued with different sensations. "But Paradise Lost excited different and far deeper emotions. I read it, as I had read the other volumes which had fallen into my hands, as a true history. It moved every feeling of wonder and awe that the picture of an omnipotent God warring with his creatures was capable of exciting. I often referred the several situations, as their similarity struck me, to my own. Like Adam, I was apparently united by no link to any other being in existence; but his state was far different from mine in every other respect. He had come forth from the hands of God a perfect creature, happy and prosperous, guarded by the especial care of his Creator; he was allowed to converse with and acquire knowledge from beings of a superior nature, but I was wretched, helpless, and alone. Many times I considered Satan as the fitter emblem of my condition, for often, like him, when I viewed the bliss of my protectors, the bitter gall of envy rose within me. "Another circumstance strengthened and confirmed these feelings. Soon after my arrival in the hovel I discovered some papers in the pocket of the dress which I had taken from your laboratory. At first I had neglected them, but now that I was able to decipher the characters in which they were written, I began to study them with diligence. It was your journal of the four months that preceded my creation. You minutely described in these papers every step you took in the progress of your work; this history was mingled with accounts of domestic occurrences. You doubtless recollect these papers. Here they are. Everything is related in them which bears reference to my accursed origin; the whole detail of that series of disgusting circumstances which produced it is set in view; the minutest description of my odious and loathsome person is given, in language which painted your own horrors and rendered mine indelible. I sickened as I read. `Hateful day when I received life!' I exclaimed in agony. `Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even YOU turned from me in disgust? God, in pity, made man beautiful and alluring, after his own image; but my form is a filthy type of yours, more horrid even from the very resemblance. Satan had his companions, fellow devils, to admire and encourage him, but I am solitary and abhorred.' "These were the reflections of my hours of despondency and solitude; but when I contemplated the virtues of the cottagers, their amiable and benevolent dispositions, I persuaded myself that when they should become acquainted with my admiration of their virtues they would compassionate me and overlook my personal deformity. Could they turn from their door one, however monstrous, who solicited their compassion and friendship? I resolved, at least, not to despair, but in every way to fit myself for an interview with them which would decide my fate. I postponed this attempt for some months longer, for the importance attached to its success inspired me with a dread lest I should fail. Besides, I found that my understanding improved so much with every day's experience that I was unwilling to commence this undertaking until a few more months should have added to my sagacity. "Several changes, in the meantime, took place in the cottage. The presence of Safie diffused happiness among its inhabitants, and I also found that a greater degree of plenty reigned there. Felix and Agatha spent more time in amusement and conversation, and were assisted in their labours by servants. They did not appear rich, but they were contented and happy; their feelings were serene and peaceful, while mine became every day more tumultuous. Increase of knowledge only discovered to me more clearly what a wretched outcast I was. I cherished hope, it is true, but it vanished when I beheld my person reflected in water or my shadow in the moonshine, even as that frail image and that inconstant shade. "I endeavoured to crush these fears and to fortify myself for the trial which in a few months I resolved to undergo; and sometimes I allowed my thoughts, unchecked by reason, to ramble in the fields of Paradise, and dared to fancy amiable and lovely creatures sympathizing with my feelings and cheering my gloom; their angelic countenances breathed smiles of consolation. But it was all a dream; no Eve soothed my sorrows nor shared my thoughts; I was alone. I remembered Adam's supplication to his Creator. But where was mine? He had abandoned me, and in the bitterness of my heart I cursed him. "Autumn passed thus. I saw, with surprise and grief, the leaves decay and fall, and nature again assume the barren and bleak appearance it had worn when I first beheld the woods and the lovely moon. Yet I did not heed the bleakness of the weather; I was better fitted by my conformation for the endurance of cold than heat. But my chief delights were the sight of the flowers, the birds, and all the gay apparel of summer; when those deserted me, I turned with more attention towards the cottagers. Their happiness was not decreased by the absence of summer. They loved and sympathized with one another; and their joys, depending on each other, were not interrupted by the casualties that took place around them. The more I saw of them, the greater became my desire to claim their protection and kindness; my heart yearned to be known and loved by these amiable creatures; to see their sweet looks directed towards me with affection was the utmost limit of my ambition. I dared not think that they would turn them from me with disdain and horror. The poor that stopped at their door were never driven away. I asked, it is true, for greater treasures than a little food or rest: I required kindness and sympathy; but I did not believe myself utterly unworthy of it. "The winter advanced, and an entire revolution of the seasons had taken place since I awoke into life. My attention at this time was solely directed towards my plan of introducing myself into the cottage of my protectors. I revolved many projects, but that on which I finally fixed was to enter the dwelling when the blind old man should be alone. I had sagacity enough to discover that the unnatural hideousness of my person was the chief object of horror with those who had formerly beheld me. My voice, although harsh, had nothing terrible in it; I thought, therefore, that if in the absence of his children I could gain the good will and mediation of the old De Lacey, I might by his means be tolerated by my younger protectors. "One day, when the sun shone on the red leaves that strewed the ground and diffused cheerfulness, although it denied warmth, Safie, Agatha, and Felix departed on a long country walk, and the old man, at his own desire, was left alone in the cottage. When his children had departed, he took up his guitar and played several mournful but sweet airs, more sweet and mournful than I had ever heard him play before. At first his countenance was illuminated with pleasure, but as he continued, thoughtfulness and sadness succeeded; at length, laying aside the instrument, he sat absorbed in reflection. "My heart beat quick; this was the hour and moment of trial, which would decide my hopes or realize my fears. The servants were gone to a neighbouring fair. All was silent in and around the cottage; it was an excellent opportunity; yet, when I proceeded to execute my plan, my limbs failed me and I sank to the ground. Again I rose, and exerting all the firmness of which I was master, removed the planks which I had placed before my hovel to conceal my retreat. The fresh air revived me, and with renewed determination I approached the door of their cottage. "I knocked. `Who is there?' said the old man. `Come in.' "I entered. `Pardon this intrusion,' said I; `I am a traveller in want of a little rest; you would greatly oblige me if you would allow me to remain a few minutes before the fire.' "`Enter,' said De Lacey, `and I will try in what manner I can to relieve your wants; but, unfortunately, my children are from home, and as I am blind, I am afraid I shall find it difficult to procure food for you.' "`Do not trouble yourself, my kind host; I have food; it is warmth and rest only that I need.' "I sat down, and a silence ensued. I knew that every minute was precious to me, yet I remained irresolute in what manner to commence the interview, when the old man addressed me. `By your language, stranger, I suppose you are my countryman; are you French?' "`No; but I was educated by a French family and understand that language only. I am now going to claim the protection of some friends, whom I sincerely love, and of whose favour I have some hopes.' "`Are they Germans?' "`No, they are French. But let us change the subject. I am an unfortunate and deserted creature, I look around and I have no relation or friend upon earth. These amiable people to whom I go have never seen me and know little of me. I am full of fears, for if I fail there, I am an outcast in the world forever.' "`Do not despair. To be friendless is indeed to be unfortunate, but the hearts of men, when unprejudiced by any obvious self-interest, are full of brotherly love and charity. Rely, therefore, on your hopes; and if these friends are good and amiable, do not despair.' "`They are kind - they are the most excellent creatures in the world; but, unfortunately, they are prejudiced against me. I have good dispositions; my life has been hitherto harmless and in some degree beneficial; but a fatal prejudice clouds their eyes, and where they ought to see a feeling and kind friend, they behold only a detestable monster.' "`That is indeed unfortunate; but if you are really blameless, cannot you undeceive them?' "`I am about to undertake that task; and it is on that account that I feel so many overwhelming terrors. I tenderly love these friends; I have, unknown to them, been for many months in the habits of daily kindness towards them; but they believe that I wish to injure them, and it is that prejudice which I wish to overcome.' "`Where do these friends reside?' "`Near this spot.' "The old man paused and then continued, `If you will unreservedly confide to me the particulars of your tale, I perhaps may be of use in undeceiving them. I am blind and cannot judge of your countenance, but there is something in your words which persuades me that you are sincere. I am poor and an exile, but it will afford me true pleasure to be in any way serviceable to a human creature.' "`Excellent man! I thank you and accept your generous offer. You raise me from the dust by this kindness; and I trust that, by your aid, I shall not be driven from the society and sympathy of your fellow creatures.' "`Heaven forbid! Even if you were really criminal, for that can only drive you to desperation, and not instigate you to virtue. I also am unfortunate; I and my family have been condemned, although innocent; judge, therefore, if I do not feel for your misfortunes.' "`How can I thank you, my best and only benefactor? From your lips first have I heard the voice of kindness directed towards me; I shall be forever grateful; and your present humanity assures me of success with those friends whom I am on the point of meeting.' "`May I know the names and residence of those friends?' "I paused. This, I thought, was the moment of decision, which was to rob me of or bestow happiness on me forever. I struggled vainly for firmness sufficient to answer him, but the effort destroyed all my remaining strength; I sank on the chair and sobbed aloud. At that moment I heard the steps of my younger protectors. I had not a moment to lose, but seizing the hand of the old man, I cried, `Now is the time! Save and protect me! You and your family are the friends whom I seek. Do not you desert me in the hour of trial!' "`Great God!' exclaimed the old man. `Who are you?' "At that instant the cottage door was opened, and Felix, Safie, and Agatha entered. Who can describe their horror and consternation on beholding me? Agatha fainted, and Safie, unable to attend to her friend, rushed out of the cottage. Felix darted forward, and with supernatural force tore me from his father, to whose knees I clung, in a transport of fury, he dashed me to the ground and struck me violently with a stick. I could have torn him limb from limb, as the lion rends the antelope. But my heart sank within me as with bitter sickness, and I refrained. I saw him on the point of repeating his blow, when, overcome by pain and anguish, I quitted the cottage, and in the general tumult escaped unperceived to my hovel."

#Frankenstein

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aurora-the-kunoichi · 5 years ago

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Forced Time

Raphael and Reader