#also they should have realized i have Conditions when as a kid i couldnt brush my teeth because it feels so unpleasant

[dovedrangeas]

i dont care if either of my parents have adhd too because it doesnt matter.

however. if i had to pick which one of them i got it from it would undeniably be my dad because that man has something divergent in his neuros for sure

[daughterofdescartes]

This has nothing to do with you, so don’t take it so personally! The importance of narrative

today while i was sweeping the floor; my dog aggressively attacked the cleaning brush as it approached him, seeing the brush as a threat. i yelled at him “what are you angry at? this has nothing to do with you! i’m just trying to clean the floor!”; but sadly he didn’t understand me. 

later in the evening i got upset for de zoveelste keer about something that upset me around a month and a half ago. i got triggered because i saw the instagram username of this girl who in my narrative has wronged me; has hurt me and caused me pain. i tried calming myself down looking up videos on youtube on how to let go of anger and hurt feelings. at the same time i also let a few tears out, just because. 

after all this time i still couldnt quite grasp why this person or situation angered me so much. i was like my dog mindlessly trying to bite something that isn’t even trying to bite me back. i have been continuously seeing this girl as a threat, when in reality she never was; no longer is; and will never be a threat to me. yet why did i feel this way? is it because i felt like she attempted to steal a prized possession? it’s not like she succeeded so why am i angry? looking at the story in a different way, i realize there’s no need to be angry because the threat was never really there. yes it can be scary knowing you can’t control other people’s actions; but it should also be freeing; if i can’t control the world around me why should i be so worried about it? what’s happened already happened, and whatever happened has nothing to do with me! whatever happened between those two people; was something that happened between them two, so why did it feel like i was so involved once i got to know the situation? 

my own original take on the situation was that this girl tried to steal my boyfriend before we officially started dating. did she succeed? no; so first of all my feelings of jealousy are already unwarranted. second of all, my boyfriend is not my possession; he is his own independent person and he chooses his own actions. what he did or what she did has nothing to do with me. whatever they did were all their own personal snap-decisions. constantly grinding my own teeth to this old story isn’t productive or doing me any good, so why focus so much on it?

a less painted narrative of this story could be; this girl tried to make things work with this guy she liked; but he didn’t like her back. the end. too bad for the girl, hopefully one day she’ll find someone! 

so all this time i couldn’t let this anger towards this girl go; because i was so mad she supposedly tried to “steal” my not-boyfriend at the time. that she attempted to take something away from me. when i realize she never succeeded; why should i continue being mad? is there something else that bothers me? when i realize she was just a drunk girl who had a crush on a guy; what does that even have to do with me? yes i know them both; but why should that bother me? this was their story, not mine. 

yes; it is unfortunate that i got to know about this in a very uncomfortable way, but now there is already nothing i can do about me knowing this information, and with time, my feelings towards this event will neutralize. realizing, hey whatever they did, was just something they did because that was what they thought was the right thing to do. so can’t you forgive them and let them go; for your own sake, pretty please? who cares anyways about what happened almost 8 months ago. no need to get stuck in the past :d. what is the relevancy of this to the present? not much; except that you’re still processing the emotions of the whole shock of finding out about this story. yes; it’s sensational, yes it might be scandalous, but mind your own business! you’ve nothing to do with this! you were out of the picture. accept that. 

what are my biggest fears surrounding this story. what upset me the most? i was embarrassed that i didn’t know about this for so long and felt like an idiot. it’s not like i ever wanted to know. the fact alone that i found out upsets me, because in reality i never wanted to know that my boyfriend could ever do something with someone else. idk why i’m so jealous and insecure. it’s not like i am below her so why do i feel that way? is there something wrong with me? i’m scared that maybe one day my boyfriend really could choose someone else over me. it terrifies me. i hated that this whole situation made me realize that, whatever i have now is not warranted; and you never know what could happen. the insecurity of not knowing the future; it’s crippling to me sometimes. it makes my throat close up and i feel like i can hardly breathe. the fear of not being loved. the fear that there is someone better than you. that i am worthless; that i’m not good enough. the fear is so suffocating it feels like somebody is stepping on my throat. these are all the stories i tell myself. somewhere along the way to adulthood; i have conditioned myself to believe these thoughts. when did this start? and what makes me believe that these thoughts are true?

i believe my real fear is that i am scared these worries will become reality. that i won’t be needed. i’ll be tossed away and replaced by somebody else. that i am not good enough. when i was little my parents always compared me to the “perfect” children; kids who always did better in school, kids that took better care of their parents and helped them. even when you try your best as a kid; it’s still not good enough. “you just don’t listen. you should be nicer to me.” they tell you, “you ungrateful, disobedient, spoiled brat.” they call you. then you start questioning yourself. why am i not good enough no matter what i do? my parents were never satisfied. 

this negative narrative that has been engrained in my mind is so exhausting. it’s an automatic train of thought that needs to be unlearned. you start believing this is how the world actually sees you and how you really are. when really it’s just a story that was fed to you since you were little. the reason i took this particular story outside of my world so badly is because i personified it and attached it to my own story so that it could fit my own beliefs about myself. 

i’d like to tell myself that no; this didn’t happen because they were out to get you; that was never that person’s intention. your boyfriend isn’t going to leave you for someone else; trust him for that. you are good enough and worthy. you’re doing just fine, babe :’).

[mittensmorgul]

The thought of Dean stumbling around drunk in the streets (or worse, driving home in that condition) makes me so sad. I mean the whole scenario does; he's 40, so drunk he can't get to the bed, found passed out with a bra wrapped around him and a whiskey bottle. I mean yeesh:-(

Yeah... we know the Clam Diver was “just outside” the town, which implies driving distance and not drunken stumbling distance. If Dean was so drunk that he couldn’t even make himself land on the bed and looked like he was lucky he managed to hit the floor... I mean, he got one shoe off and used it as a pillow.

If he was really that drunk, the bar wouldn’t have let him drive home. They would’ve called him a cab. Not to mention, aside from his tie headband and his shoe pillow, the rest of him looked relatively well put together (buttons buttoned neatly, coat on properly, etc.).

And did he really walk around the rest of the night wearing a pretty pink bra around his neck? Did he wear it to the liquor store where he bought that bottle? Did he wear it walking through the hotel? Because he was too drunk to care about his appearance in a town where he was pretending to be an FBI agent for a case where one boy was missing and another had been rendered mute by his experience?

And if Dean was really so drunk that he didn’t care about any of that, how did he end up in that spot on the floor without waking Sam up? Opening the door in the middle of the night, so drunk that he could barely stand up (and couldn’t even make it to the bed), and yet not so drunk that his stumbling and fumbling woke Sam up? 

(here’s the embiggened version)

He was apparently messing with the TV remote as well? How? I mean... how did none of this apparent fumbling around the room not wake Sam up?

It’s like Dean was just tired of Sam pushing at him to just be “okay” again. Because Sam wasn’t really pushing Dean to be okay, he was pushing Dean to perform a specific version of Dean. Not because it would make Dean feel better, but because it would make Sam feel better about how Dean is coping.

Dean: I'm fine.Sam: Look, you're not, Dean. You said you don't believe in anything, and -- and that's not true, that's not you. You do believe in things, you believe in people. That's who you are, that's what you do. I know you're in a dark place and I just want to help.Dean: Okay. Look, I've been down this road before and I fought my way back, I will fight my way back again.Sam: How?Dean: Same way I always do: bullets, bacon, and booze. A lot of booze.

That’s what Sam needed Dean to be, to perform for him. To believe in something again, because yeah, Dean believes in people. He said it in 12.23:

DEAN: Yeah. You know, Cas has faith in this kid.SAM: Mm.DEAN: I hope he's right. But me? I have faith in us. You, me, Mom, Cas. And Crowley. Sometimes.

But within an hour of that, 3/5 of the people Dean believed in were gone. And Sam’s now insisting that Dean just magically be okay with that, just let that go and just transfer all of that belief over to Jack, who Dean directly blames for the loss of the 3/5 people he believed in... 

And now that giving Dean the “mission” to help teach Jack (with the hope that Jack might eventually be able to open the rift to fetch Mary again) has failed to help snap Dean out of his funk, Sam is desperate to at least get Dean performing the motions that used to signal his unhealthy coping skills.

Heartily pushing a beer on Dean at breakfast when he just wanted a sandwich, tolerating his music instead of complaining about it, ordering him food he’d normally complain about Dean eating, reading online reviews of a strip club to recommend it to Dean when he typically avoids strip clubs himself, buying Dean hair of the dog. It’s annoying to Dean, but after his display in the motel room, when Sam hands him that bottle, he forgives Sam.

What does he forgive him for? For pushing him to just be okay when he just wanted to be left to grieve in his own way.

Notice Sam doesn’t push him again after that.

Notice also that Dean never drank either breakfast beer.

Sam: You okay?Dean: No. Sam I'm not okay, I'm pretty far from okay. You know my whole life, I always believed that what we do was important. No matter what the cost, no matter who we lost. Whether it was Dad or Bobby or... and I would take the hit. But I kept on fighting because I believed that we were making the world a better place. And now Mom and Cas and I -- I don't know. I don't know.Sam: So you don't believe anymore.Dean: I just need a win. I just need a damn win.

Exactly the mental state Dean had diagnosed Cas with in 12.19. In the past, he’d still had Sam to believe in, the two of them against the world. Just fighting for Sam isn’t enough for him anymore. Something is different this time, and Dean doesn’t feel like he should have to perform the emotional labor to keep up a false front of coping for Sam anymore.

Like twig!Tasha told him in 12.20:

TASHA: Yeah. Family's always complicated. Parents always see smart and strong and perfect. It's only when you grow up that you realize that they're just people.

Sam is finally seeing that Dean is just a person. Not that Sam had ever had illusions about Dean being perfect or whatever, but that act of always believing they could push through anything and come out the other side again isn’t the truth, and has never fully been the truth.

Heck, I’m watching 1.09 in the background while I write this up. And it wasn’t even the truth way back then... Dean kept up the “everything will be fine” act in front of Sam, essentially hid out behind a gas station and made his emotionally charged plea to John for help in the scene we’ve been paralleling to his prayer to God in 13.01. 

In 2.04, Sam confronted Dean yet again on how badly he was handling John’s death, after the case they stumbled over while Sam visited Mary’s grave. I mean, THEEEEEMES. Dabb is pulling all of these themes from early seasons, and standing them all on their heads. Because in 2.05, after Dean had spent weeks putting up a front for Sam, the truth is forced out of him by psychic manipulation:

Dean: We hunt demons.Andy: What?Sam: Dean!Dean: Demons and spirits. Things your worst nightmares wouldn't even touch. Sam here, he's my brother...Sam: Dean, shut up!Dean: I'm trying. He's psychic. Kind of like you. Well, not really like you, but see, he thinks you're a murderer, and he's afraid that he's going to become one himself, 'cause you're all part of something that's terrible. And, I hope to hell that he's wrong, but I'm starting to get a little scared that he might be right.

Dean had buried all of this and kept it from Sam, much the same way Sam had buried some things that were pushed out in the open by another psychic manipulation (by a creepy ghost of a psychiatrist at an asylum, conveniently enough)... in 1.10:

Sam: That's the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own. I'm not pathetic, like you.Dean: So what are you gonna do, huh? Are you gonna kill me?Sam: You know what, I am sick of doing what you tell me to do. We're no closer to finding Dad today than we were six months ago.Dean: Well, then here. Let me make it easier for you. Come on. Take it. Real bullets are gonna work a hell of a lot better than rock salt. Take it!! You hate me that much? You think you could kill your own brother? Then go ahead. Pull the trigger. Do it!

Sam did it. But just like Dean brushing off the confessions Andy pulled out of him after the fact because it had been coercion, Sam brushed off what he’d said in that asylum, too.

Now in s13, Sam is asking-- nay, begging-- Dean to just brush this off again, to fake it ‘til he makes it, and Dean is saying no.

It’s honestly the healthiest damn way they’ve ever reacted in a situation like this.

I have no idea how I turned this ask into actual meta, but here you go.