#also there's a follow up on that lady from white orchard i am so glad! i was wondering about that

[a-passing-storm]

I just found the Nilfgaardian camp in southeast Velen and I’m losing it? It’s got such a distinct and ominous vibe... this is so cool.

[isfjmel-phleg]

Vacation adventures, a summary

Stayed with my friend whom I hadn't seen in three years. She is amazing and I can't believe that a) she's a real person and b) she is in fact voluntarily friends with me, even after all this time.

Made it on to the commuter train despite both of us sleeping through our alarms. We were stuck in the vicinity of a woman who was bent on loudly telling the world the Painful Story of Her Life, but still. a train! It was exciting.

Took the subway to our destination and emerged into Historic City, which is beautiful. Flowers on the lampposts. Buildings with character. We wandered through parks and gardens and saw statuary and geese and absorbed atmosphere.

Went to the public library, which is full of murals and has a courtyard with a fountain. Imagine working in a library like that.

Went to two art musuems (one with an unattainable beautiful courtyard, an image which has been following me through life) and wore our legs out wandering among wonders. I got to see the Little Dancer, which made my younger self very happy.

Went to church with my friend and survived a social event she had to go to with church people. It went better than I thought; they actually said more to me in an evening than most people at the church I currently go to have in over a year and a half.

Went to a vintage-style dress shop and bought a dress with a book print.

Ate lemon curd ice cream with lemon bars in it while looking out over the water near a picturesque town.

Watched three movie versions of Little Women over two nights and critiqued them as prepration for when we...

Went to Orchard House. Fantastic experience, loved getting to know more about the Alcotts through this tangible means. We also drove past some other houses in Concord where they lived.

Bought sandwiches and had a lowkey picnic near the town visitor center.

Went to a charming used bookstore where, when I told the lady that I was buying a map as a gift for my dad in a faraway city, she took the trouble to find a flattened box to encase the map in for travel. (There were a lot of nice people in this area.)

Tracked down the Alcott family's gravesite and left a pencil on Louisa's headstone alongside the many other pens and pencils left there.

Tried to go to Walden Pond but it was too happening a place for any more people to be let through. Maybe next time. But the surrounding area and what I could see through the trees was gorgeous.

Prowled my friend's town while she was at work. The library is so very grand for such a small place, and there's a lovely lake too.

Took a bus on a whim despite the lack of a clearly marked bus stop and went to a bookstore in another town.

Went to another bookstore in the afternoon and sat outside reading until my friend got off work and I walked to meet up with her.

Explored the pond that contains deep below its surface an animatronic white whale leftover from a long-defunct amusement park. The whale isn't visible, of course, but we found the tracks used to move an animatronic rhinoceros that was part of the ride, and the ramp that was used to launch the whale into the water. It was like extremely hands-off archaeology, if archaeology consisted of hoping you'll bump into relics of the past with no effort (the pond is in an office park, and we didn't want to get in trouble for meddling with the property).

Took the bus again and went to a comics shop and raised comment by systematically going through an enormous unsorted $1 bin for literally hours. Worth it.

Took my friend to dinner at an Italian place built into the side of a hill with no apparent parking space and a grand total of three dining tables inside. The food was delicious.

Talked a lot, listened a lot, hugged a lot. I haven't been so not stressed out or not simmeringly angry in a long time. It was very refreshing and exactly what I needed and I am so glad and grateful that it worked out.

[badchoicesposts]

Don’t Dream It’s Over Chapter 18

Series Summary: Liam and Ali thought that their relationship was perfect, but their whole world came crashing down when Constantine called him back to Cordonia. Four years later they meet again at Liam’s bachelor party, determined to make things between them work even if it isn’t always easy.

In this AU, Liam and MC (Ali Moonessar) dated for a year in New York while Leo was still crown prince. They broke up when Constantine asked Liam to come back to Cordonia, but they meet again at Liam’s bachelor party before the social season. The story will contain flashbacks, which will be italicized, of their relationship and follow them as they try to navigate the season with Ali as a suitor. I’ve messed around with the timeline a bit so that it fits the story better. I’ve also added in a few OCs of my own.

Pairing: Liam x MC (Ali Moonessar), Platonic!Drake x MC

DISCLAIMER: I’ve changed up the timeline of the social season a bit to fit my story better. I’ve based it off of some research I did on the British Social Season. Some of the dialogue was taken directly from Book 1 of The Royal Romance but was changed a bit to fit my fic.

Taglist: @flowerpowell, @ao719, @kingliam2019, @emceesynonymroll, @hopefulmoonobject, @dcbbw, @qammh-blog, @liamxs-world, @drakesensworld, @i-only-signed-up-for-fanfiction, @lauradowning29, @texaskitten30, @senseofduties, @indiacater, @alexintheskyy, @jared2612

A/N: This is my first time ever posting a fic. Please let me know if you enjoyed it and would like to read more. I thrive on validation, lol. Thanks for reading!

Catch Up: Masterlist

It was freezing out. December was in full swing and as the snow fell softly outside, Ali was glad to be in the safety of Drake and Liam’s apartment, trapped on the couch within a blanket burrito of her own making. Winter was her favorite season and there was nothing she loved more than being cuddled up under warm blankets while there was a slight chill in the air of the apartment. Drake had been scarce recently, and Ali had suspicions that he was seeing someone even if he refused to confirm it. Liam, however, was due back home from work any second, and she was eagerly awaiting his return. 

As she was reaching for the remote to change the channel, the door opened and the man who was plaguing her thoughts walked in bundled up in a long, black, wool coat, and burgundy scarf in attempts to block out the cold, New York air. There was a slight sprinkling of snow covering his clothing, and as he saw Ali curled up on the couch, he was filled with both envy of her warmth and amusement at her ridiculous appearance. He quickly shrugged off his coat, pulled the blankets off of her and dropped down on top of her small frame. She jumped at the intrusion and hastily reached over his back to throw the blankets back over them.

“What are you doing?” she half-screamed, her body now shivering along with his. 

“I was cold,” he said with a chuckle, resting his head on her chest. 

Ali smiled down at him and relaxed as she felt the material of his suit jacket under her fingers. She loved the playful side of her boyfriend that not many got to see. However, not seconds later, she jumped again as Liam pushed her shirt up, gripping onto the warm skin of her sides with his cold hands.

“Your hands are freezing!” she said. 

She squirmed underneath him in attempts to get away from him, but the weight of his body on top of hers kept her firmly in place. 

“Stop touching me with your disgustingly cold fingers,” she whined, still trying to push him away.

“But, you’re so warm,” he spoke into the soft material of her shirt. 

By now his hands were beginning to warm up, and although she wanted to be petty and continue to complain about his actions, her heart softened as he closed his eyes and attempted to wrap his arms around her. Ali moved her own hands up from his back and began to run her fingers gently through Liam’s blond hair, causing his body to melt closer into her.

“You’re so lucky that I love you,” she teased.

“I know.”

~~~

Ali pulled her covers up to her chin and stared out the window in her room from her spot on the bed. The sun had risen a few hours ago, and she knew that she should be getting ready for the second day of the Apple Blossom Festival, but she couldn’t seem to find the courage to get out of bed. Last night had been good. It was fun, and she genuinely enjoyed herself. But, for some reason, she broke down in tears as soon as her head hit the pillow. She was exhausted and scared, and having to come home to an empty room after being surrounded by people all day made her feel isolated.

A loud knock startled her, but instead of answering the door, she sunk further into her pillows and pulled her blankets tighter around her body. The knocking persisted, and when she still didn’t respond, the door opened.

“Why are you still in bed?” Bertrand asked, as he and Maxwell walked into the room. 

Ali didn’t have a good answer for this. She didn’t know how to explain to them that she didn’t feel like she was strong enough to get out of bed. She didn’t know how to tell them that she felt like she was falling apart; that she knew someone was literally out to get her while she was pregnant with the future heir to the throne, and it was mentally exhausting. All she wanted in that moment was Liam. She wanted to run into his arms and have him tell her that everything was going to be okay, but she knew that once he found out about her pregnancy all hell would break loose. He couldn’t be strong for her right now. She needed to be strong for herself. 

“I’m getting up now,” she said instead, throwing the blankets off of her body.

“The best dressed lady today will be crowned Apple Queen. The title itself is mostly just for show, but it is important in terms of impressing the people and gaining their favor,” Bertrand said, urging her to move faster.

He shoved a garment bag into her hand that she hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“What’s this?” she asked, placing it down onto the bed so she could unzip it.

“I was able to procure a historically accurate rendition of a Cordonian peasant’s best gown from the country’s most prestigious stage production company,” he said.

Ali pulled the blue and white dress off of the hanger and went into the bathroom to change. Bertrand wore a satisfied smile on his face when she emerged. 

“You are guaranteed to become Apple Queen in this dress,” he said, as Ali fiddled with her hair.

“Are you ready?” Bertrand asked, giving her a once over, his eyes lingering on her face. 

She nodded in response, and the three of them made their way out to the orchard. 

“I don’t know what’s going on with you, but make sure not to pout in front of the cameras,” Bertrand whispered, looking back down at her face again.

The fact that Bertrand was still being his usual, pushy self was reassuring. It made her feel normal on the outside, even when her mind was bustling with chaos.

The air was buzzing with excitement when they stepped into the orchard, but Ali couldn’t stop looking over her shoulder. The thought that someone was watching her was unsettling.

“Ready to show off your baking skills?” Hana asked, cheerfully.

Lizzie groaned from beside her. The dark-haired woman was wearing large sunglasses and was obviously hungover from drinking too much the previous night.

“Yeah, I am actually,” Ali said happily. 

If there was one thing she was happy about, it was that her love for baking was finally being put to use. Although, it didn’t slip her mind that it was kind of ridiculous to be baking in the middle of the orchard. 

“Good, because right now you need to focus on impressing the queen. Let everything else fall away and make House Beaumont proud,” Bertrand said from his spot next to her. 

He and Maxwell excused themselves, and Madeleine sidled up next to her.

“Lady Alison, it’s so good to see you. I’m glad you’re feeling well enough to join us in the festivities today,” she said in a sweet tone that Ali recognized as anything but nice. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” she asked, narrowing her eyes in suspicion. 

“Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing. You’ve just been looking a little… sick lately,” the other woman commented with a smirk.

“Have I?” Ali asked, wondering if Madeleine actually knew something or if she was just trying to intimidate her again.

“Yes, and I noticed that you left the festival quite early yesterday evening. I have to admit I’m beginning to wonder if the pressure of the season is starting to get to you.”

“Thank you for your concern, but I feel just fine, Madeleine,” Ali said, ending the conversation. 

The pie baking competition was easy. She spent most of it taking orders from Olivia, but she felt no need to fight the duchess on this. Olivia seemed to know what she was doing and arguing would have only slowed the process down. It was the Apple Queen ceremony that had Ali completely flustered. She felt like she was suffocating while she stood with the other ladies as the crowd cheered them on. 

“Lady Alison will be this year’s Apple Queen,” Regina said, pulling Ali out of her thoughts. 

Ali wiped the surprised look off of her face and smiled at the crowd. 

“Wooooo! Go, Ali. Party like it 1299! All hail the Apple Queen from the Big Apple!” Maxwell yelled from somewhere in the crowd. 

Ali held back a laugh as she approached Regina for the “coronation”

“Queen Regina, it’s an honor. Thank you all for electing me to represent you as the Apple Queen,” she said, meeting Bertrand’s eyes through the group of people. “I’m happy to accept this esteemed position, and I will treat it with the utmost respect.”

He nodded proudly at her, a genuine smile on his face. She went through the rest of the ceremony with a new surge of confidence. She knew that if Bertrand, the most difficult person to impress, was proud of her, then she had done something right. 

“As your final honor, you are entitled to a kiss, my queen,” Liam said, approaching her and kneeling before her. 

Ali looked down at him, the adoration in his eyes evident, and her mood came crashing back down. Time seemed to stand still in that moment. The pride that she had been feeling just moments before had been replaced with a feeling of guilt for not telling him about the baby. The seriousness of their situation was once again brought to her attention and hearing him call her “my queen” brought up a negative emotion that she couldn’t quite place. It was a cross between longing and dread. Longing for the day he could officially call her that, but dread at the thought that everything would come crashing down and that day would never come. 

She remembered all of the good times they had shared together: the two of them wrapped up in each other’s arms in bed, Liam mocking her for being afraid of a nonexistent ghost, their first “I love you”. Then the bad began to come forward: her crying for him at the airport as he got on a plane back to Cordonia, every night she couldn’t sleep without him the first few months after he left, the press cornering them the morning after the bachelor party and Liam dismissing her. A look of confusion passed over his face at her troubled expression, but she quickly wiped it away and forced on a smile. 

“Prince Liam, I humbly accept your offer,” she said, 

Liam rose to his feet and kissed her cheek gently, his hand squeezing hers in both a comforting and questioning manner. The crowd began to disperse as the Apple Queen ceremony came to an end, and Regina approached her, a diplomatic smile on her face.

“It’s time I head back to Applewood Manor, but please feel free to enjoy the festival as the reigning Apple Queen. Past queens have been popular at the apple bobbing contest.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

The queen walked away, and Ali visibly relaxed. 

“There’s our glorious Apple Queen,” Maxwell said happily, pushing past groups of people to get to her.

“I heard you out there. Thanks for cheering me on,” she said, punching his arm playfully.

“Well, somebody had to do it, but I’m actually here to tell you that Liam’s waiting for you in the manor’s conservatory. It’s across the estate.” 

“Thanks, Max. I’ll head over there now. Hey, can you meet me later? There’s something I need to talk to you about,” she said. 

She had made up her mind. Maxwell had been in her corner since day one, and she needed to tell him. He shot her a confused look, but nodded anyway. 

The conservatory was beautiful. As Ali entered it, the smell of flowers and plants overtook her senses, and she stopped to breath it in for a second. It had a calming effect on her. The sun shone through the entire area through a glass ceiling, and it gave her an odd sense of being both outside and inside at the same time. She took a moment to close her eyes and breathe before walking further into the conservatory. 

Liam was standing in front of a large fountain in the middle of the conservatory.

“Ali, thank you for meeting me,” he said, a soft smile on his face. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” 

“I’m fine,” she said, grabbing his hand and squeezing it in hers.

“You didn’t look fine in the orchard,” he persisted in a low voice.

“Really, I’m okay. It was all just a bit overwhelming.”

“The ceremony?” 

Ali nodded in response but didn’t meet his eyes. Liam sighed softly, his concern clearly evident.

“I spoke to Drake,” Liam said, softly.

Ali’s head snapped up. Drake wouldn’t tell him about the baby. There was no way.

“He voiced a concern that the person who tipped off the press about your ‘relationship’ with him may try to hurt you again,” he said.

“And you agree with him?” she asked, quickly recovering. 

“I have learned to trust Drake’s instincts. If he believes something is wrong then I know he has reason to.” 

“I think it may have been Madeleine.” 

“Why do you think that?” Liam asked, shocked.

“She said some things earlier. Maybe she was just being passive aggressive, but they didn’t sit well with me,” she said.

Liam nodded and pursed his lips in concentration. 

“I’ll have someone look into it.”

Ali nodded and pointed in the direction of the door. She was trying to get out of their as quickly as possible, her discomfort and paranoia dictating her every move.

“We should probably head back,” she said, already turning to leave.

“Wait!” Liam said, causing her to turn back to him. “Are you sure everything’s okay. You still seem upset.” 

Ali sighed. She knew that then would have been the perfect moment to tell him, but as she looked up at him, she couldn’t bring herself to say the words.

“Can you hold me?” she whispered, finally breaking down and needing his arms around her. 

Liam looked down at her and pulled her glasses gently off of her face. He placed them into his jacket pocket before pulling her into his arms. Ali buried her face in his chest and willed all of her anxieties away. 

“What’s bothering you, my love?” Liam asked, his voice was gentle, soothing.

“I just… have a bad feeling,” she said, moving out of his arms and wiping away a stray tear. “I’m sure it’s nothing.” 

“It’s not nothing. If there’s something causing this feeling you know you could tell me, right?” he asked, placing his hands on her arms to keep her from turning away from him. 

“Of course, I know. There’s just… a lot going on,” she said, nervously fiddling with one of the buttons of his white shirt.

“You mean with the season?” he asked.

She nodded, and reached into his pocket to pull out her glasses. 

“We really need to get back out there. Madeleine already noticed that I left the festival early yesterday. I’m sure other people have too,” she said. 

Ali reached up and pulled Liam into a gentle kiss. It was slow and soft, and she tried to pour as much of her love into it as possible. 

“I love you,” she mumbled against his lips. 

“I love you too,” he said, grabbing her hand and leading her out of the conservatory. 

They parted ways when they made it back to the orchard, and Ali took Regina’s advice and found the apple bobbing contest. 

“Hey, are you going to participate?” Lizzie asked, her sunglasses now off as she chewed an apple. 

“Yeah, Regina said that it’s pretty popular with Apple Queens, so I figured I might as well give it a shot,” she said, with a smile. 

The crowd cheered enthusiastically as a little girl in a peach dress pulled her head from the bucket, a large apple clenched between her teeth. 

“Lady Alison, would you like to go next?” the woman in charge of the booth asked.

“Yes, I would love to,” Ali said, tying her hair back. 

She saw the press gather around them enthusiastically as she took off her glasses and handed them to Lizzie. Ali took a breath and picked out an apple before placing her head in the large basin. Her teeth closed around the Cordonian Ruby, and she once again fought back a gag as she raised her head, the press snapping pictures the entire time. 

“Oh, these really are terrible,” Ali mumbled to Lizzie under her breath as she took her glasses back. 

“I quite like them, actually. But, they’re definitely an acquired taste,” she responded as they linked arms and walked away from the booth. 

After she decided that she had spent enough time at the festival, Ali left the orchard and made a beeline for her room, ready to lie down. 

“You wanted to talk?” Maxwell asked, already waiting by her door for her. 

“We should talk in here,” Drake said, opening the door to his room and nodding for them to come in before she had a chance to respond. 

When Ali entered the room she was surprised to see both Bastien and Charlie waiting for them there. 

“What’s going on?” she asked confused. 

“Maxwell mentioned that you wanted to talk to him earlier, and I figured now would be a good time to tell you our plan,” Drake said. 

“Why am I here?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah, what did you need to talk to me about?” Maxwell piped up. 

Ali was beginning to get overwhelmed. She had originally only planned on speaking to Maxwell, now she was standing in a room full of men, and she was being forced to talk about something intimate with them.

“Ali, why don’t you take a seat?” Bastien said, placing his hand on her elbow and leading her to a chair in the corner of the room. 

Ali took a seat and looked up to Drake for reassurance. He simply nodded at her, and she took a breath. 

“I’m pregnant.”

Maxwell and Charlie simultaneously dropped their jaws, and the former snapped his head back and forth between her and Drake.

“The two of you?” he asked, gesturing wildly between them. 

It was Ali’s turn to drop her jaw in shock. 

“No!” she said, grabbing the cushion that was behind her and throwing it at him. 

It hit him square in the face, and Drake let out an amused chuckle. 

“I’m sorry! You just looked over at him before you said it so I assumed,” Maxwell said, trying to defend himself. 

“Ew! No! I looked over at him because Drake was the only one that knew. Or at least, I thought he was.”

“Hey!” Drake said, offended, “I know we’re just friends, but I wouldn’t say ‘ew’!”

“Really? You want to have this conversation now?” Ali asked sarcastically. 

“I just think “ew” is a bit of an exaggeration,” Drake said stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Ali rolled her eyes and was going to respond when Maxwell spoke up instead.

“Liam doesn’t know?” he asked. 

Ali looked down at her hands and picked at her fingernail. All of the energy she had from bickering with Drake now suddenly gone.

“Wait. What do you mean you thought Drake was the only one that knew?” Charlie asked. 

“I got a tip off that someone was trying to sell pictures to the press of Drake buying a pregnancy test, and Ali throwing up after the Regatta,” Bastien began. “We assumed that the person following them that day is the same one who tipped off the press after the Derby. We don’t know for sure that whoever’s doing this is dangerous, but we need to be extra cautious now that she’s carrying the future heir to the throne. Charlie, you’re Ali’s new guard. I need you to stay close to her at all times and look out for anything suspicious.”

“Yes, sir,” Charlie responded, serious again. 

“Ali, you need to tell Liam,” Bastien said softly, now turning to her. 

She could see the sympathetic look in his eyes as he spoke. His demeanor now calm and reassuring instead of authoritative like it was before. 

“I know,” she responded, nervously biting her lip again. 

“Why haven’t you told him yet?” Maxwell asked cautiously, afraid of setting her off again.

“Because I don’t know what’s going to happen when I do. Constantine already doesn’t want me to become queen. How do you think he’s going to react when he hears that I’m pregnant?” she said, gripping tightly onto the arm of the chair she was sitting in. 

She was getting increasingly agitated and uncomfortable at the situation she was currently in. The four men exchanged nervous looks, and this only served to irritate Ali even more.

“Don’t do that! If you have something to say then just say it!” she said angrily. 

“You’re right. We don’t know what’s going to happen when everyone finds out, and it most likely won’t be good,” Bastien said, approaching her and placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “But, Liam needs to know. He can help you through this.”

Ali visibly deflated. 

“I know. I’m sorry for yelling.”

“Look, none of us know what you’re going through, but we just want to help. Get some rest tonight. You can think about talking to him tomorrow,” Drake said, as everyone began walking to the door. 

Ali nodded and got up from her chair as well, wishing she could just curl up and sleep through the next nine months. 

[justanotherdeadgirlwalking]

That is Just the Saddest F**king Thing I Have Ever Heard.

TW obviously DEH is about a kid’s suicide, so it has those themes 

other parts :)

Part Two.

I wake up to the sound of an obnoxious beeping. Its rhythmic, constant, like a metronome. I feel something tight on my arm, squeezing the shit out of it. I tense up hoping to provide some relief, but it just gets tighter and tighter. There is a long loud beep, and the grip on my arm loosens. I go to feel what it is, but I can’t move arms. I can’t move anything actually. I’m trying to wiggle my body to turn over, but I can’t; I’m stuck the way that I am. Shit, did those pills make me paralyzed? I can hear people talking, but their voices are so low, I can’t make out what they’re saying. I should’ve listened to my headphones at a lower volume. Now, I’m 17 and deaf, among all my other issues.

My eyes feel so heavy, like there are weights hanging from my eyelashes to keep them close. I finally gather enough strength and open my eyes. I grimace as the brightness of the white florescent lights above me momentarily blind me. Where am I? The beeping speeds up to a less constant beat and the voices stop. I hear footsteps walk towards me, and I force my eyes shut. Someone plays with a machine behind me with a symphony of beeps and buzzes. They walk away, and then the voices start up again, louder. I slowly pick up my heavy head, and I glance around. I’m in the hospital. I look down at my body, there are purple Velcro restraints securing each of my limbs to the bed. They think I’m dangerous, cool.

I point my gaze in the direction of the voices, its Mom and Dad talking to some lady in scrubs, a nurse probably. She looks nervous; she’s biting her lip and playing with her hands. I can’t make out what they’re saying. Mom looks like she’s crying, sobbing actually. Dad has his back turned to me, but he’s making large gestures with his arms; he must be mad about something.

Their conversation goes on for what feels like hours. Mom and Dad keep asking questions, and the nurse just keeps saying “I’m so sorry, we don’t have answers.”  I stare at them, hoping one of them will notice me. Eventually, the nurse notices my gaze and makes eye contact with me. She makes a surprised gasp and smiles at me. Her smile is larger than any other smile I have ever been greeted with my whole life, and it looks genuine. Though, she’s probably relieved for the conversation to end. The nurse walks over to my side and squats down, so she is eye level with me, “Hi sweetie, I’m Heidi” she says. She has a kind voice, “how do you feel?”

“I’m okay” I barely croak out, almost as a whisper. The nurse, Heidi, just smiles at me.

“I’ll let the doctor know he’s awake,” she says, standing up and hurrying out of the room.

Mom and Dad come and sit in the chairs next to the bed. Mom looks at me with a half-smile as tears fill her eyes; Dad gives me a cold, blank, emotionless stare. “H-hi” I barely let out. Mom motions for me to be quiet, shushing me. “What happened?” I whisper. Mom reaches over the rails of the hospital bed to take my hand; she shoves one of her fingers into the restraints, moving it back and forward as if she was trying to stroke it.

“They found you in the park, slumped over” she chokes out between tears, “you weren’t breathing, you barely had a pulse. No one thought you were going to make it.”

“You really scared us” Dad says, with a flat, emotionless voice, “You can’t keep doing shit like this to prove a point.”

Oh, sorry Larry, I guess I forgot to take your feelings into consideration when I did something brash and stupid. I don’t know what point I was trying to prove, but I’m glad you got the message. I am sincerely sorry; sorry to disappoint you that I am still here; sorry you have to pay for another hospital bill for your freak son. He’s always been so apathetic with any of my struggles. He always thinks I’m faking it or doing it for the attention. Why the fuck would I literally try to kill myself for attention? I’d be dead, and unable to receive the attention. Sure, people would talk about me, pretend to be sad about it, but they would get over it in two weeks. That’s just how it goes. We see tragedy after tragedy. A hurricane in Puerto Rico? How sad, I’ll donate to the Red Cross. A school shooting? They’re in my thoughts and prayers. And then we just move on like there’s more important things to do.

Heidi walks back in with another lady, who I’m assuming is the doctor. “Hi, I’m Dr. Johnson,” the lady says, “How are you feeling Connor?”

“I’m fine, I’m just thirsty and my nose itches” I say, raising my arm to draw attention to the restraints, hoping to get out of them.

“Those are just a precaution,” Dr. Johnson says removing the Velcro from around wrists and ankles. I open and close my hands, wiggling my fingers, relieved to be free again.  “We weren’t sure when you were going to wake up, or how you would react when you woke up.” She takes a long pause, “you were out for a very long time, and you had very dangerous levels of fluoxetine in your system when you were found. We just need to run a few tests and observe you for a bit before we can let you go. We also arranged for you to talk with someone from Psych so we can baseline how you are feeling and put in a support system for you.” She smiles at me, and then motions for Mom and Dad to follow her out into the hallway.

Great, that’s all I need, some psychologist to come talk to me and tell me I’m fucked. Trust me, I already know. I’ll have to explain that no I wasn’t feeling depressed or suicidal, I’m just impulsive; I just made a really dumb split decision. That’s what most of the shit I do is anyways, a dumb decision. Like the time I crashed my car. I lied and said there was a deer in the road, and that I swerved to miss it, but really I had a sudden impulse to crash my car for literally no reason. Luckily, I walked away unscratched, but I totaled the car. Larry was pissed. Not only did I wreck a brand-new car, one that he gave to me as a gift, but I also raised the insurance rates. Now, I’m not allowed to drive at all until I can afford to replace the sedan. Considering that I don’t have a job, I am probably never going to get behind the wheel again.

Then, I’m going to talk about all my problems, and this psychologist person is going to write me another prescription to “try to help.” Isn’t a prescription what got us into this mess in the first place? How long are they going to try to pump me full of drugs before they realize that it’s not working.

How long was I out for, a few hours? A few days? What day is it? How much school have I missed? I can only imagine the stories going around to explain my absence. Would Zoe hear them? Would she defend me? Where is she anyways? She probably doesn’t care that her big brother was dying, hell, she probably prayed that I’d stay away this time. It’s not like we’re close, but we’re not enemies either. Surely, she has to care about me, even a little bit.

We were really close when we were younger. She’d want to do everything I did. If I was playing with cars, she wanted to play with cars. If I wore a blue shirt, she wanted to wear blue too. I used to hate it when we were younger, I just wanted to do whatever I wanted without having to worry about having a shadow. Of course, when I misbehaved too I always heard the “you’re a role model” bit, the “she looks up to you” and the “she does everything you do” speeches. How could I expose Zoe to the truth, that her perfect big brother wasn’t actually perfect? That he was actually a fucked-up kid. For years I locked myself in my room and screamed at her to leave me alone. She would sit in the hallway and cry until I would let her in; she fought for me, for my attention. Eventually, Zoe stopped fighting for me, and really lost all interest in me completely. She grew up. She learned to see me the same way that the rest of the world did, as a freak.

Maybe she told everyone to mind their business. Maybe she told them I overdosed in a children’s park. Whatever the rumor is, it’s going change how people see me. It’s an opportunity I’ve been waiting my whole life to have, and I had to almost die to get it. Maybe, I’ll be Connor Murphy the fucking drug addict, who does hard drugs like anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. Maybe I’ll be able to fit in with the stoners. Who knows? I’ll no longer be the freak Connor Murphy. Maybe I’ll be the Connor Murphy, the kid that tried to kill himself, and everyone will pity me. No, I think that’s worse. I’d defiantly much rather be known as a freak than to be pitied by all these fake mother fuckers that didn’t care about me a week ago, or a month ago.

Mom walks back in, “Honey, your friend Evan Hansen is here to see you,” I see him wave from behind her, “I’ll give you two some time alone.” Evan walks in and sits in the chair next to my bed, his cast is gone. He looks so nervous that he is literally shaking.

“M-my, my mom said that you woke up. We didn’t think you were going to. Zoe said I should’ve waited to come see you, so you could readjust, but I feel so guilty that I-I made her drive me here. I had to see you… immediately.” He says, stuttering through every word. Why does he feel guilty? I mean he was the last person I talked to before I passed out in the park. Maybe he feels bad for writing his weird sex letter about Zoe. Zoe? Zoe brought him here.

“Where’s Zoe?” I ask him.

“Sh-she’s in the hallway, she doesn’t want to see you yet,” he says. Of course, she doesn’t want to see me, she doesn’t want to deal with the mess that I am. “She just needs a little more time to process everything that’s happened, and now that you’re awake, none of us know how everything that happened is going to fit in with you in the picture. A lot of stuff happened while you were, while you were,” he jesters at me and the bed, “but, it’s okay and actually you have an apple orchard now.”

“I have an apple orchard?” I ask, Jesus Christ how long was I asleep? “You’re going to explain ‘everything’ to me right now.” I spit at him.

“Yeah uh, it’s a funny story actually,” he continues, “so when you were found you still had my letter in your pocket and everyone thought that it was your suicide note and that you wrote it to me because we were best friends,” he’s talking really fast, “and your parents came to school and told me that you tried to kill yourself and about the note and I didn’t know how to tell them that it was actually a letter I wrote to myself as an assignment from my therapist.” He pauses to breath.

“Okay, that doesn’t explain how I have an apple orchard.” I say, confused.

“Right,” he takes a deep breath before talking really fast again, “well I lied to your parents and said that we had a secret friendship where we sent emails to each other, Jared was in on it, and I gave your parents the fake emails and they took me in as their own, since they were so happy that you had a friend.”

“You did what now?” I ask him, cutting him off.

“It’s a really long story” he sighs, “but please, can you go along with it, please?”

Is this a fucking joke? The same kid that wrote freaky shit about my sister, is asking me to cover him in a big lie he told, and the lie he told was about me. He wrote fake emails? He told my parents we were friends? He still hasn’t explained the apple orchard. If Evan was really desperate for friends, I don’t know if this was the way to go. Did he think, what, I was never going to wake up, and he could go on in his life without getting caught? I must’ve been out for a real long fucking time for something like this to be cooked up. This is crazy. I can tell you that all the times I’ve been high out of my mind, I’ve came up with some pretty wild ideas, but never pretending to be some almost dead kid’s friend with whom we write secret correspondences.

“Sorry to interrupt you two,” it’s the nurse from before, “but Evan honey, we need to do some tests on Connor, so you’ll have to wait in the hall for now with everyone else.”

“Okay mom,” Evan stands as he gets up to leave, basically running out the room. The nurse is his mom. No wonder why she was so happy to see me awake, I’m her kid’s best friend.