#also the tavernkeeper’s song goes so hard…..

[froggychair05]

“Ooh, better beware

Ooh, The Beast is out there

Ooh, better be wise

And don’t believe his lies”

[brunhiddensmusings]

What about Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves? I love that movie because it's such a wild ride (Satanists! Secret brothers! Secret mothers! And cancel Christmas!) but I distinctly remember a LOT of sutff that could probably make a historian scream. Also, how about The Eagle and/or The Last Legion, if you watched either of them?

engaging requested historical movie based rant in 3,2,1 okay, that movie is a beautiful MESS and its hard to pick somewhere to start partially as i cant decide to criticize it against the history of the period its supposed to be or as an adaptation of the legend, both of which it varries wildly as i could talk about how inconsistent it was about who robin hood was or what the merry men were about, chiefly that the concept that robin hood gave what he stole to the poor didnt arise untill about the late 1600s when people dressing up as robin hood and crew to recreate his stories became essentially the precursor to the renesance faire where such events would draw wealthy spectators who would then ‘pay tribute’ to robin hood who would then use that money to buy drinks for all the players eg ‘the poor’ as a compensation for the performance but no, i cant reasonably get too mad at that because its not widely enough known to actually expect people who make movies to know, id be more mad about how they insisted on making robin meet all his merry men as the movie goes on meaning none of them have more then a few days of backstory, and even more mad they insist on making all the non-named merry men illiterate morons, and more mad that they decided to amazingly actually include will scarlet but not have him do anything of note other then the drama about being a brother, and beyond that the part that actually gets me mad is you included will scarlet but not alan adale? thats a baffling missed opportunity considering you put the effort into making it an actual crew and not five guys in the woods, why the fuck not have a minstrel prancing around? the freaking disney furry one got that part better then you did and he didnt even interact with the main cast! i will give a few honorable praises to this movie though as friar tuck is possibly the most accurate friar tuck in any movie ive seen so far considering in the legends the first thing he does when he meets robin is put on a helmet and scream ‘have at ye’ while charging with his sword cause the friar is down to brawl with anyone at anytime. also his first appearance in the movie hes singing a rendition of bacce benne, the oldest known drinking song we know both the lyrics and tune of, which at the time would have been how tavernkeepers knew you were still sober enough to give another round to the irony of that statement being robin hood was largely circulated as drinking songs in taverns, and a medieval man replied to an accusation of him being stupid by saying ‘nah mate, i know all 70+ verses of the song of robin hood’ much like someone today would say ‘nah mate ive seen every episode of the simpsons up till season 12′ to prove he was up to current events i could get mad that everyone and everything is brown brown BROWN, nothing but rags for clothing half the time and the houses look like they congealed out of mud thats afraid of windows, but ive grown to accept that kind of garbage aesthetic choices that are somehow inferior to monty python and the holy grail depicting how people dressed. i also cant be mad about how they portrayed the sherrif, despite at the time a sherrif would have been a shire reeve or sherriv which the whole point of him being in the story is that hes more or less a corrupt union rep who is technically supposed to be the one the villagers rely on to relay their complaints and demands to the local lord but is instead a crony of the nobility appointed to a position that hes supposed to be elected to by his peers.... but to be fair it would make the story hard to process in a movie if sherrif wasnt sherrif. no, what im going to get the most mad about is their batshit crazy satanist witch i know witches (two kinds), i know satanists (two kinds), i know medieval society, and none of the above would for a minute agree with any of how the freaky ass nutbag making eyeball soup worked in t his movie. holy shit, you just threw whatever you wanted at a wall to see what stuck didnt you, the upside down cross is a common image in actual catholocism its literally everywhere at the vatacin and would have been as offensive to a medieval person as a beetroot, the medieval peasantry wouldnt even have been very putoff by witches as for the most part a witch was either your aunt or your chief source of medical coverage or both so you usually gave a ‘witch’ respect and bought your beer from her at reasonable rates. literally the only thing of the witch scene that is at all related to anything sane is the blood runes, which also make no sense as the runestones involved are norse but the practice of blood shouldnt be even known about by a witch in Essex, if you had wanted to imply how evil the badguys were in the movie theres better ways to do it in fact you already did that without agnes nutters more insane cousin arranging sticks in blair witch, if you wanted to imply fortune telling or magic was at their disposal theres about a dozen better ways to have done that too

yall just raided Elviras prop department when she wasnt looking didnt ya