#also the hottopic joke lives on

[dio-the-thot-exterminator]

For the character meme: beast wars dinobot

-cybertron-after-dark

hiiiiiiiiiiiii :)

How I feel about this character

Love Pink!

I think everyone's love for him was the reason why I decided to watch beast wars in the first place. And i almost quit the show after he died so i'd say i like him a normal amount (lie).

I have a love hate relationship with his design cuz its sooooo hard for me to draw like why did he do that he should have chosen something simpler. 

His mannerisms and how tall he is makes everything in the show 10 times more funny(to me). ohhhhh I'm fixed on his voice and vocal tics it really does make him stand out from the rest of the cast.

He’s so mean too, a hating ass bitch, I can respect that. He’d be the best fast food coworker (he’d still work at popeyes!!). And sometimes he be loud and wrong, like ok CLOWN.

How do I say this nicely? Making fun of him is my favourite thing to do. Also since he is the fan favourtie (am i correct in assuming this?) everyone makes fire ass art involving him. always a treat, he never let me down.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

A good fight would make him hooooorny.

Tarantulas - one, I just think it's funny and two, that one episode when he was complimenting tarantulas's hunting skills?? Can you imagine them hunting things together??? I need it!! Dinobot in his evil cannibal twins era <3

Tigatron - uhhh the solitude uhh the warriors bond the best slow burn ever. They are opposites and dont understand each other at all. LITERALLY Law of the Jungle ep is just: tigatron doesn't behave the way DB wants him to so Dinobot is thinking “ *snorts* i can fix him!!”. It’s peak to me…

Tigatron so calm and wholesome, and Dinobot is…NOT pfttttt  AHHH LIKE FIRE AND ICE FIRE AND ICE!!!!! They clash but go togetherrrrrr *sigh* who sees my vision 🥹

thats all my brain could come up with aack

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Cheetor and Dinobot lol hi grandpa take his ass to hot topic 

My unpopular opinion about this character

Dinobot would not make a good leader. He’s not emotionally considerate and does not have the skills to “think past the battle”. He can fight, anticipate an ambush, command some soldiers but that's pretty much it.

Actual diplomacy, or caring about the health of his teammates? HA! 

He constantly wants to abandon people, or overthrow someone, switching sides like crazy. Nigga never been loyal…and he likes to talk about his “honor”.

Now I really need some insight on what “predacon honor” is cuz wtf?? Rattrap was lowkey right, how could we trust him? 

I was sad when he died but ion really feel like he needs to come back, you know? You could kind of sense that there was no direction the show could take his character.

And getting rid of him was the logical choice. He a lil self destructive and got some issues (that's why I love him) but after a while it got repetitive for me. I don't think this show was equipped to handle the characterization they were building up to so him dying was kinda a good thing dare i say. 

He's a bottom 🏳‍🌈

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

More predacon interactions that hint at what his life was like before they crashed on earth.

The lil nuggets we get are so interesting to me, I need to see how the dynamics were before he ‘betrayed’ them.

He knows these guys so well im so madddd i missing out on all the dramaaaaaaa

i also wanted him to interact more with rampage...i cant explain it but....there's something there that needs to be explored

Eat more people

be weird

be a freak

Nerd out tenfold about history

Should have killed silverbolt whaaaa who said that

Thats all i can think of off da top of me headdd, thanks for the ask @cybertron-after-dark 💜

sorry for typos!

[anna-neko]

organizing some files, thinking about International Lolita Day and just... fell down a bit of a rabbit hole which then turned into an existential crisis....

mah dudes, it's one thing when joke "have DVDs older than you" but ... but... but... have a Gothic Lolita burando piece that isn't just "older than you been into this fashion" (not condescending, plz keep at it!), *rubs bridge of nose* this was not an EGL Comm Sales nor LaceMarket "vintage"/second-hand buy THIS WAS BOUGHT BRAND-NEW AT ORIGINAL RELEASE (in dark ages when buying direct-from-Japan needed either u knowing this One Girl on LJ who was going on a trip, or jumping 20hoops for a shopping service! (which was just another lady living in Japan at the time) and hoping they'd spot the piece u wanted) This specific brand, bless, deemed us worthy of international shipping BUT ANYWAY rambles are boring, lets look at pretty pictures instead shall we

Meta calls this piece simply "Gingham Check Tiered Skirt" (ギンガムチェックティアードスカート) seasonal collections or pieces getting fancy names that are sometimes absolutely random girl names or bad engrish translation is a fairly new phenomenon, sometimes a literal description is best

✧ 2005 did u think I was kidding about its age was gifted this lovely skirt, and literally just ... pulled whatever was black/white to wear it out immediately! Hilariously, getting the big butt-bow tied was A Challenge: he couldn't do it because boys can't bows, I couldn't because can't see what doing behind me, his mom couldn't help because she didn't raise girls so out of bows-tying practice....

✦ 2006 - Disney trip, of course brought it We did Lilo and Stitch breakfast and Every. Single. Time. Stitch passed me, he'd tug on the skirt's bow *taps hairbow* made it myself to go with the skirt! (using the very proper GosuLoli Sewing patterns mook no less!) and every couple years a friend send me his FB memories snap he took of me with Princess Jasmine in this, and we both cry over the date

an otaku pilgrimage stop on drive back

✷ 2007 ya hear of burando~whores? Well have we got a treat then a full Meta coord: blouse, skirt and headdress!

something something pale vampire

♡ 2008 One Braincell, Much Frills

very smart ladies freezing in the New England snows, send help. Also, as can clearly see, now with a matching gingham headdress (still Metamorphose, this "brand wh0re" business ain't a joke)

and then went on a trip to London and you freakin bet this was packed along! fondest memory was absolutely fangirling over a life-sized DALEK statue in a bookshop, and someone came up to tell me, "your outfit's brilliant"

♪ 2009 how cool are my loli~friends? We dressed up to go play RockBand and mofo at-home DDR! all you kids with your TikToks and ...and... Zooms.... u will never be this cool

Fun fact: that headdress from before? The tiny bows were detachable! So could use them as separate hairclips for other looks

♫ 2010 - do not think anyone comprehends just how FULL this skirt is! It's 3 gathered tiers, and that bottom one is freakin miles of fabric. Plus the waist ties, and full lining with tulle sewn in

♠ 2011 are you tired of this nonsense yet? 'cause it keeps a~goin!

♢2014 oooh bit of a skip! did own a lot of other pretty dresses, skirt was packed away for a bit fun fact: am actually freezing in NYC winter outdoors.... we went to see a play staring Sir Ian McKellen & Sir Patrick Stewart!!

and finally 2022, on the most freakin FREEZING negative-degrees day in January we went out for honeytoast and I was like .. ya know what... oldskool coord!

is my skirt old enough to drive? ... yes... yes it is.... As always, hope everyone enjoyed and for the love of Mana, don't do the math... OMFG plz don't even try to math this one out

Not writing up coord break-down, other "brands" featured are in no particular order: Fan+Friend, Baby the Stars Shine Bright, rando shit from HotTopic and Kohls (or as the kids say "off brand"), LipService, Bodyline, Secret Shop, Innocent World, AnnaHouse and a bunch of cute Etsy jewelry bits

[carcinized]

Illogical

Ship(s): Romantic Logince

Words: 690 (nice)

Warning(s): Kissing, blanking out, harsh words that aren’t said harshly, very light cursing

AU(s): None or any :)

Notes: Oh my GOD titles are hard—Anyways have a cute little Logince ficlet, I very much enjoyed writing this! The original prompt was #6 of this post, requested by a Wattpad user.

Summary: Roman finds Logan alone in the kitchen at midnight, staring blankly at a wall, and has to talk to him.

Roman hated seeing Logan look pained.

There he was, brows furrowed, lips pursued, hair almost hanging over his eyes, eyes cast downward where Roman couldn't read them.

And he wasn't speaking, something else Roman hated. He loved hearing Logan's even tone and straightforward words, even when his way of speaking was the direct opposite.

But now Logan was silent, gaze awkwardly shifting around, trying to find anywhere to look besides Roman.

Which was a bit tricky, seeing as Roman was the only other person in the rather small kitchen and it was nighttime. Nothing was illuminated besides the kitchen itself.

Roman might have found it romantic had he not come down here for a midnight snack and found Logan down here, staring at the wall.

And, fine. Maybe also had Logan not returned his feelings.

But now Roman stood in front of Logan, looking up at him in concern. Logan didn't return the look, though, and Roman hadn't been able to get him to speak no matter what he tried.

Joking didn't help. Being serious and asking what was wrong—if anything was wrong—didn't help, either. Not even being annoying by flicking Logan's ear or teasing him was able to elicit a reaction.

So when Roman simply whispered Logan's name, he hadn't been expecting a response.

"Logan," Roman murmured. It wasn't even a question, just Logan's name. It didn't make sense that Logan would reply. It wasn't logical.

Yet Logan finally looked up at Roman, meeting his eyes with an unreadable but emotional expression. "Roman."

It wasn't short or stern like how Logan usually said Roman's name; It was gentle and apologetic, and it brought heat to Roman's cheeks that he really wished it didn't.

"Why—Why were you down here so late?" Roman asked. "Staring at the wall, and then ignoring me?"

"I suppose I could ask the same of you." The words were confrontational and evasive but Logan's tone was soft and heartfelt, careful yet hesitant, and only a tad defensive.

"Only the first question," Roman pointed out cautiously, not wanting to spook Logan out of speaking again. "I didn't blank out and ignore you and scare the living daylights out of you."

Logan held his gaze, mumbling, "It's night."

"Not the point," Roman replied, though there was no bite to the words. "I just... want to make sure you're okay." He cast his gaze down, unable to look at Logan's unreadable face again.

"Okay?" Logan asked in a strangled voice. "Roman—"

Roman looked up. "What?"

Then Logan's lips were on his. It happened so fast and was over so fast that Roman didn't even have time to memorize it, to compare it to the millions of times he'd daydreamed this exact moment.

He didn't even have the time to kiss back.

And now Logan was pulling away, eyes still closed even as Roman's flew open again, letting out an embarrassed "Sorry, I—" but Roman chased after him, cutting him off with another kiss.

Logan's hands came to Roman's hips, bracing from the gentle impact. Logan quickly melted against him, giving in and pulling Roman closer by his waist, kissing back slowly, sleepiness during the darkness of the night obscuring any rational thoughts as the kiss went on.

Roman reached his arms up to hook over Logan's slightly-taller shoulders, fingers finding hair at the nape of Logan's neck and gently twirling a strand or two of it around his finger, the other drawing light circles onto Logan's neck.

Then Roman pulled away, slow, lingering, and murmured, so close he practically said it into Logan's mouth, "Don't be."

And Logan laughed—laughed—and kissed Roman again, a short and sweet relief of a kiss. "Goddamnit, I thought you hated me," he said, one arm leaving Roman's waist so he could tuck a strand of hair behind his ear.

"I could never hate you, Specs," Roman whispered. "Never."

And Logan smiled, a little sadly, and brushed his fingers over Roman's cheek. "I'm glad."

Roman rested his hand over Logan's on the side of his face, feeling a smile stretch of over his lips. "Me too, Specs. Me too."

Check out some of my other works!

Taglist:

@itawalrus @romano-hottopic @chaotic-neutral-toga @im-an-anxious-wreck @dragons-at-dusk @alinatheanimelover

[awkward-rashomon]

About the Admin!

(Nick)name? Preferred pronoun?

My internet name is Min. My name is Benjamin and I'll answer to it but I'll think you're real weird if you use it, partner. I'm he/him, but I'm usually deep in character when I use this so addressing me when I'm Rasho as she/her is fine.

Birthday?

I'm a Virgo sun Taurus moon in the year of the horse; August 28th.

How would you describe yourself?

I'm a dumb gay bitch (those are positive qualities don't fight me on this) and I kin Ranpo and Dazai. I joke that I kin Ryuu but I do make a mighty good Ryuu RP and I do run @hottopic-akutagawa so?

I'm very multitalented, I'm very loud, I'm very passionate, and I'll probably make you uncomfortable, but I'll definitely make you laugh. Please tell me if I say vore too many times or reclaim a slur you're uncomfy with it's the aspergers sometimes I just... go and say things and forget people exist. And it's not "socially acceptable" to spam VORE TOES in the discord chat while someone's venting, GOD!

Hobbies/Interests?

Coding, cryptology, dancing, lingustics, French, pole dancing, cosplay, music writing and psychology are all things I have deep interest in but little knowledge or a bare grasp on.

Digital art, singing, voice acting, cooking, watercolor, writing and animation are all things I'm very good at.

Are you a fan of anime? If so, what are your favourite ones?

Don't start me on this this will go for paragraphs. If I restrain my ADD brain from going for 80 years, I'd say my all time as well as current favorite manga is Kuroshitsuji, my all time favorite anime is FMAB, and my most recent obsession is Hey, Your Cat Ears Are Showing. I literally have the tags #reigenposting and #narutoposting for naruto and mp100 on my main.

Do you ship? If so, what is/are your favourite ship(s)?

I ship with pretty much every show I like, being an aromantic who loves seeing others in love (I'm a bit jealous but you can't miss what you don't have so I just revel in pairing and seeing people happy).

In BSD, I love Yosano and Kouyou (passion fire lesbians!!), Shin Soukoku, OBVIOUSLY Soukoku, and on a bit less of an appreciated note, I like the idea of one sided Ryuu having a major crush on Dazai as well as Dazai and Kunikida. And then of course clearly RanPoe is god.

Favourite Character(s)?

For how much I kin him and talk about him my answer would actually not be Ranpo. I think it's Higuchi. She's just so wonderful and underappreciated, her character is so rich even with what little screen time she has. As for as characters and not people, in terms of writing? Mori, no doubt. He's a deliciously different and well written villain and it's such a breath of fresh air to see something like him.

If you could bring any character to life to become your best friend (or partner), who would it be?

Ranpo. Ranpo. RANPO. RANPO, RANP-

If you could have any superpower (it can be from an anime, movie, video game, or anywhere really), what would it be?

Shapeshifting! :)

How many posts do you plan on posting a day?

Rasho doesn't have a ton of good pics, especially not outside of Ryuu, and I also have really severe clinical depression so I won't upload every day, but no more than 4 traditional awkward posts. I might reblog things or reply or do sort of in character text things more often.

Time-zone?

Mountain Time! I live in Arizona in the U.S.A

Other blogs/social media you want to share?

My main is @pastelgoblin and my instagram is @/faebutter. My twitter is @/homogoblin but it's not very good. My YouTube is Min Min where I do animations. Go sub to that. That will actually give me money, haha.

Anything else you’d like to mention?

I'm a minor, so please proceed with caution. I'm not weird about adults talking to me (I'm actually chill with dirty jokes) just please don't send anything TOO vile to the askbox.

[pippa-frost]

Fic:  Ice cold (part II)

Hello! So here’s the second part! This is already explained in the first part, but this is based on a post made my @ec-sanderssides and also, in the this other amazing post here! 

So i’m tagging a lot of people cause you’re all soooo nice and amazing and i love it when people tag me in fics (i LOVE fics, so seriously, if you’ve got a fic PLEASE TAG ME) and fanart so it’s only fair i do the same! (i hope you don’t mind! Please let me know if you do!)

@what-even-is-thiss @deafinatelyfangirling @fugitive-angel @corystssides @tiny-mudkip @parsnipit @romananalogicality @analogicalhell @starlight-sanders @dan-yuna @wingedchickadee @ana-logical @diplomatic-arsonist @killerfangirl3 @princeyandanxiety @princey-and-hottopic @pfftwhatnoimhuman @agentflash18 @ec-sanderssides @pattonscardigan @romananalogicality @frustratedwaffle @inalandofmythandtimeofmagic @thagrinbery @prplzorua @ohmehgawdnotagain @analogically-prinxiety

(I’ll keep tagging more people as soon as i can!)

Part I , Part II (you’re here)

Anxiety remembers the good ol’ days when having a scare only meant, well, getting scared. Sure, it had always been different to him if you compared it to the others. While they would move on as soon as it happened, Anxiety would dwell on it until Morality was able to find a way to distract him. But still. The effects were the same: they would get scared, period.

But then, one day, instead of just getting scared all of the sudden and then moving on –albeit worriedly-, the fear stayed, and grew. And suddenly it wasn’t just about calming his breathing down after having it caught due to the sudden fright, but about being able to breathe at all instead.

His ears ring and his chest hurts and it feels like a giant hand is squeezing his lungs shut and he’s scared, scared, scared and what is this? What is happening? Why can’t he breathe? What happened? Is Thomas alright? Are they alright? What about the others? Where are the others? Is he alone? Are the others alone? Why can’t he focus? Why can’t this stop? He wants to see the others; he wants to call out to them, why isn’t he doing so? He just has to move, why isn’t he moving? What is happen-

And then a voice cuts through the panic somehow and he’s suddenly aware of sitting on the floor, Morality kneeling in front of him, Logic a few feet behind, Princey pacing in the background, and Dad is talking to him and Logic is saying stuff too, and as they slowly manage to calm him down he curses himself for ever hating how he would stay worried after a scare. Worrying around was nothing compared to this. He would choose anything over this.

After that, he’s introduced to the concept of panic attacks. After that, the concept becomes a normal part of his life.

And he hates it.

He can’t say he learns how to live with them, but he would be lying if he said it didn’t get easier with time. After all, with time, he learns to expect them, to recognize them. Sure, once they do happen any kind of logical thinking goes flying off the window, but Logan and Patton are usually there, at least for the big ones, and help him through them. Sort of. They try.

So you wouldn’t believe his surprise when, after a really big scare, one that would have definitely meant a full-blown panic attack, one of those that leave him shaking and crying and on the brink of passing out due to exhaustion; he doesn’t get one.

Instead, he freezes. Literally.

And he thinks it must be some kind of joke. But then again, the universe seems to like having him as its personal punch line.

It happens one day when he’s alone in his room, which he has learnt to feel damn thankful for. He doesn’t need to be in the commons watching through Thomas’ eyes to know what happens, the ‘surprise’ comes with both fear and context included. Thomas and two friends are going to the movies after school and just as they’re about to cross the street a car flies past them, almost taking one of his host’s friends with it, Thomas and the other classmate barely being able to pull the kid backwards and avoid a calamity.

The scene flashes before his eyes in an instant as he feels like suddenly being hit by lightning. A flash of pain pierces through his body from chest to extremities, sharp and rigid and cold.

It hurts.

Everything hurts, the only way he can think to describe it is as thousands of needles stabbing every single inch of his body. His breath gets caught in his throat and his eyes sting. He feels like screaming in pure agony yet he somehow knows, even if he can’t hear anything due to the ringing in his ears, that no sound has escaped him.

He can’t move, any attempt at doing so makes the already unbearable pain increase tenfold and he doesn’t know what this is, he doesn’t know what’s going on, he doesn’t know and he’s trapped and it hurts.

It’s like he’s been frozen from head to toe in one single moment, and he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t understand, the panic making it even harder to breathe, to see, to think.

He wants to scream for help, scream for the others to please come because he doesn’t know what’s happening and he might stay like this forever, frozen like a statue, unable to communicate, unable to move, unable to do anything.

It feels like ice has taken place where his blood should be and it burns, why the hell does it burn?!

And just like that his thoughts halt.

Logan had once said that when something gets too cold, the stinging sensation feels like burning. He would know that better than anyone after all. So is that what this is? He can’t look around or anywhere for that matter, but he would bet his money on the fact that he’s covered in ice right now. He’s freezing after all, cold as hell - well no, not as hell, that didn’t make sense.

The point is, he is currently frozen solid.

He tells himself to keep breathing and not to dwell on it for longer than necessary. He has to think.

Isn’t this the same thing that happens to Logic any time Thomas gets a brain freeze? Why is it happening to him right now? He always thought it was something that only happened to Logic. Is the older aspect okay? Is he frozen as well?

Is this… is this something like that? It did happen after a jump scare… and he has always been the one to react differently to those. Is this something like Logic’s thing? Is this because of the scare?

He doesn’t know how long it takes for him to be able to move again. But it’s long enough that he manages to start breathing somewhat normally again at some point, which is saying a lot. Every once in a while he starts panicking again, like when he tries to move and he remembers he can’t and that he’s trapped, trapped, trapped.

But then, he doesn’t know how much later, he realizes he can blink. His eyes have been burning this whole time and as they finally thaw, tears start to gather in them and fall along his face, leaving a burning trail behind them. So far, drawing in air has been like breathing through a straw, which hadn’t helped with the panic at all, so when he is finally able to expand his chest more than a few millimeters it feels like earning freedom after years of imprisonment, which isn’t all that far from the truth.

He still can’t really move his body and he waits and waits, crying silently, doing his best not to sob so as not to get his breath caught up again and to start having trouble breathing once more.

Then his knees bend the slightest bit and it feels like they are being impaled from the inside, and as he groans around a dry throat and unmoving tongue, his legs buckle and he drops to the ground. The pain he feels as he makes contact with it is enough to make him wonder if maybe he just got parts of him broken and the image of his frozen body broken into pieces fills his mind and if there’s one thing he can actually be thankful for is the fact that his chest has unfrozen enough for his hyperventilation not to choke him more than it’s already doing.

It’s too much. He sobs while lying there, most likely broken, until the stabbing sensation is gone as well as the burning. He still hurts but in a different way, he’s sore and anytime he moves it’s like his muscles are being flattened, but aside from that and the utter exhaustion that falls over him, he’s alright. He looks down at himself to see his body and finds it intact, albeit wet, which brings actual tears of relief to his eyes. He turns so he’s lying on his back and just breathes and cries as the fear slowly leaves his system, gears turning inside his head trying to figure out what just happened. He can feel how damp his clothes are and his limbs are stiff and cold still, so no, he isn’t dreaming. This really happened.

And then it hits him.

He had just been…frozen… in fear.

And he laughs miserably cause isn’t that just the best fucking joke the universe has ever thrown at him yet? Well the universe can pat its fucking back for this one.

Afterwards, when he’s finally able to stand up (after several miserably failed attempts) and he’s changed clothes and hidden under the bed, shivering and with a runny nose, there’s a knock on the door.

Morality asks him if he’s okay, if the fright was manageable. He doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

After his first panic attack due to a scare (cause after that one they become something he can expect as a result from more than just sudden jump scares) happens, he’s able, after years, to deal with them by himself sometimes, turning Dad’s concern down, especially after the others start having weird things happen to them from time to time, things such as this one. So Morality, knowing that if it was bad enough Anxiety would probably seek him out himself, would wait and let him have his space before checking on him.

And as he lays under the covers, with Mo on the other side of the door waiting for an answer, he finds himself being grateful for small miracles.

He makes Patton go away and, even if all he wants is to tell him what happened and be hugged and comforted, he doesn’t do it. He can’t.

Not when Dad already has enough to worry about with Logan’s sudden freezing spells, and Princey’s migraines and Mo’s own fevers. He can’t add to that.

No, he thinks, it’s better this way.

And so, even if the universe has found a new way to screw him, he can’t not be thankful for this to have happened when no one was around.

Even if in the midst of the panic of every time it happens again, all he wants is to be found.

Until, one day, he is.

[iesharael-blog]

1/5/19 Happy New Year

ok im gonna be honest... I dont remember the past 5 days other than i’m sick and can barely breath and i mad the mistake of going to the movies with some friends. i wanted to see mary poppins again so me and 4 friends were gonna go, well after we already planned that, one made me really uncomfortable when he was drunk messaging me and not accepting that i did not want a relationship with him. even going so far as to say he hates my ex simply cause he got me first. so im gonna call these friends A B C (as well as D and E to explain backstory) and explain who they are with a little key so i can give the story without being revealing of identities and what not.

Me - [fem] myself. I’ve know them for a little over 20 years and they tend to be a complete child and was treated as the child of friends back in high school and cared for as such. highly susceptible to emotional manipulation especially from people they trust

A - [fem] my best friend since 5th grade who i fondly refer to as my mama bear. my amazing protector of both physical and emotional battle grounds. the very person who’s house i ran to when i needed time away from my parents to figure things out before asking for therapy.

B - [male] twat i met my junior year who i started calling dad at some point and has since become completely unstable. very egotistical and leaves arguments if he isn’t winning constantly playing the victim card.

C - [male] guy who i was randomly introduced to through his younger brother adding him to a discord server i run as an attempt to shut down my ex for daring to call the unholy texts that are The Harry Potter Series “mediocre” (i also have his phone number randomly cause i used to know his twin) and has been friends with B for a while even going so far as to have a running joke of them being in a relationship even tho they are both straight.

D - [fem] B’s ex who i refer to as step mama and who tends to be fairly motherly towards me

E - [male] dude i was friends with in highschool and who was good friends with B

My Ex - [male] still on very good terms and he is very caring towards me. he tries to make sure im doing whats best for me and not letting anyone manipulate or harm me

ok that was bigger than i expected but im sick im not thinking straight so this gonna be a bit weird and long... ok heres the story:

so im all like “hey i wanna see Mary Poppins again!” and B and C are like yeah lets go! with B immediately stating how he had planned to see it with B before they broke up, already putting a slight damper on the thing but we got past it. a day or two after i end up with me and B agreeing (timestamp 9:30) to message on discord between 11-12 as well as set up a server for us and his little sis to play on. (the wait was for him watching doctor who with his family) so i shower and puzzle and finally with no word by 11:42 i message him asking for when he thinks he will be on to which i get the message “I don’t know I’m really drunk it’s gonna be a blast “... and now a transcript of what followed next copied word for word (well privacy edits) time stamps (and spelling errors) included:

ME Last Sunday at 11:44 PM

but i guess mary poppins day discusion will wait for tomorow

me and your sister agreed on doing ftb sky adventers

B Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

Ok

Btw

Hehe

I shouldn’t say it

ME Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

say it

cant say btw then not say it

dick

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

Well

Uhm

ME Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

yes?

B  Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

I’m unhappy with [MY EX]

Because I was maybe going to ask you out

I can say this because I’m drunk

ME Last Sunday at 11:47 PM

omg lol (in the this is a funniy situation way, not laughing at you)

thought you were repulesed by me? yeesh [B] keep your story straight

after all i did like you a bit before i met [MY EX], but hes always nice and youre... drunk nice

so eta for server mister cassanova?

B Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

No I want to be nice to you sober too but for some reason I get scared so I hide behind lies

Idk a while

Tonight

ME Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

you dont have to be scared, im just shocking

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Well if we go to Mary poppins

Even with [C], who I’d like to be there

Maybe a mini date?

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

no.

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Aqwww

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

sorry but i cant date again not yet

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I’m gonna be sad

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

i told you why me and [MY EX] broke up

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

But when I’m sober I’m going to regret most of this

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

its not good for me to be in a relationship rn

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I know

Well

Actually

ME Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

look if things dont work out with [MY EX] once my brain is on the path to fixed then we will see, until then dont wait up for me

B Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

I think you do need to be with at least someone because when you are depressed and thrown out of it you need someone to relate to and talk and make you feel comforted and loved

Time alone isn’t the answer

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

except i have friends for that hon

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Yeah

You dooo

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

you dont need a relationship relationship

i have a [A]

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Well

Is she helping

Are you loved

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

i talk to her about everything mental

i talk to [IRRELEVANT MALE FRIEND] about physical questions

creepy right? well this kept going with me getting more and more uncomfortable and refusing to accept that i dont want a relationship (a quote from B in reference to my ex: “ He might be your daddy, but I’m your daddy” tf? and yes he bolded) to the point that i was just sticking around so hed put a server up for the pack. then a bit before 2 o’clock i say that im gonna get off at 2 cause that when i had planned to, to which he (im not sure if intentionally) manipulated me into staying on till 3 o’clock because he would tell me about a personal thing i was curious about. finally 3 o’clock comes around, we call and i hear the story and once the server is up he tells me hes gonna go play league with some people (note random online people not irl people he supposedly likes) and will be back in 20 mins. i figure what the hay ill wait. 40 mins later he says hes not getting back on... obviously im furious. (screen shot of convo i sent to someone day of to explain without having to retype - im red)

next day comes and im uncomfortable and C ends up buying minecraft so he can play with me on the server, we get in call with a now sober B when he gets on and i confront him about the messages even sharing screens for proof (i learned its best not to 1v1 argue him cause im easy to manipulate) and he claims to not remember it but whenever C is away during the call he says things that sound slightly suggestive. at this point id like to note that i have a full recording of me scrolling through the messages as an unlisted video on my youtube channel and have sent it to people who with no prior suggestion have described it as “rapey” and warned me against him. my ex in particular warned me that i am very susceptible to an abusive relationship rn due to my mental state and that he seemed very unstable. at this i decided to invite A to go to mary poppins too since she would be a good protector of me should anything happen and to have a more familiar presence there. 

now here is the juicy part. so D was talking to C where C was complaining how clingy B was becoming and how creepy he was being towards me so she quickly messages me on snap warning me that he is a ‘manipulative possessive jerk who will see me as nothing but an object to conquer and get mad when you are unhappy’ after hearing this i rembered B’s story about D cheating on him with E before D and E got together and started to wonder how true that was. me and D had a lovely conversation following that about my singular past relationship and her current one and blah blah blah.

MOVIE DAY: (C canceled the night before so now it is just me B and A going) we get picked up by A and all seems well with everyone being friendly and B seeming kinda cautious. i think hes regretting the convo so i decide to be nice. the movie was great and we decide to hang in the mall after (i made a build a bear). so while we were hanging at one point he scared me when after he provoked me into my light face wacks (cat play pretty much, wouldnt damage the most fragile ice) he grabs my hand to stop me and me thinking “oooo game fun!” i start to dig my nail into his hand to get let go of but instead of him reacting how i expected (letting go so i can escape) he looks at me with the scariest most serious face ive ever seen and (this part still scares me) says “you dont want to go down this path” he finally lets go and i go sit by the hot topic earing displays while A and B look at buttons then when B sits next to me while A waits to pay he basically called my claw abuse. (like what? you grab my hand hard enough that it hurt when i was doing the same playful banter weve done for years and apparently im the abuser cause i do my standard get away strategy of hurting the hand thats holding me? what did you expect me to do? just comply and calmly stand there with my hand held above y head in yours?) after we leave hottopic we are in the car and somehow we get to the topic of the drunk conversation.

so im talking and trying to explain how uncomfortable he made me( and how i was afraid to be alone around him and how i had been scared remembering that he not only knows where i live but where the spare key is!!!!) and i dare use the word “rapey” ... lets see if i can get a definition for yall but first ill say how i use that word - “rapey. an adjective to describe a situation in which one party becomes uncomfortable and afraid to the point that they feel if this continues they could be raped or otherwise hurt/abused in the future” - and now the second definition from urban dictionary:  “Rapey A guy who's creepy, and hugs or kisses inappropriately. He has a rapist lure. You don't think he would do it but definitely gives off that vibe. i.e. creepy hugger at the office.” - now i apparently  made a huge error in daring to use that word to describe the conversation where he would not accept me saying no to a relationship (and at one point asked me my ex’s dick size - which i did not give) and continously stated how using words liek that could end up getting him in jail. A and i look at eachother incredulously and try to argue with him a bit but ultimately decide to just get back to the point and bring it back to how uncomfortable i was and how he needs to change his attitude and appologize but he keeps bringing it back to that word. fianlly im close to tears and mutely hugging my yoshi in the front seat and the whole car goes silent. A offers that i sleep over tonight which i decline knowing im sick and need my bed and we talk a bit about my ex and goign out for ramen with him sometime. once i was home i removed B from discord snap and steam and will remove him next time im on league as well. he was removed from my server and i left any i had in common with him. i am done trying to forgive him.

on a brighter note i got sims 4 cause C bought it for me since i couldn't refund his ticket i prepaid for and im learning how to get better from this stupid dry throat. hopefully ill be better by Tuesday so i can go back to work at the library!

thanks for reading! <3 

i know this was a long one and probably makes half sense cause of the code letters and the fact that i am writing this while very light headed <3