#also the fact that she almost went on a vacation that got cancelled bc of wildfires....so instead shes. driving into hurricane. GIRL

[quaranmine]

it's actually really amazing how SO MANY OF MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS KEEP GETTING THEMSELVES INTO NATURAL DISASTERS RECENTLY??? like bro i've barely even left the house this summer why are all yall out in the world like this gettin in trouble

[raysofcrosby]

LITTLE DO YOU KNOW PT. 11

"𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘢 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦. 𝘐𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘤𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺, 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵, 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘣𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵." ━ 𝐒𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐡 𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐧, 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐓𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡 𝐀𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐅𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫

gif credit (x)

series masterlist

requested: yes | no

warnings: a nice heart to heart, some fluff and hoenstly nothing else.

word count: 9,128 [of PURE UNEDITED STORY WOW ITS SO LONG]

authors note: HI hi everybody! part 11 is finally here woooo! this is honestly where i had originally planned on ending the series and i hope you guys enjoy what would have been the original ending! i can’t believe this series is practically over bc i loved writing it so much and reading all of your guys’ theories, messages and tags. it literally warms my heart how much you guys loved it! so without further ado, here’s part 11!

[ DECEMBER 23RD, 2019 ]

By the time you made it to Victoria, you were exhausted. Your flight had been delayed twice and almost canceled due to the weather, but luckily you made it home before you could end up on Jamie and Katie's flight. By the time you had landed, your mom had texted you mid-flight saying that Jordie would be picking you up and gave you no reason as to why. The moment you read her text, you realized it was too late to turn back and go hop on to another plane– so it looked like facing Jordie was your only option. It's not like you knew if he was as angry at you as Jamie was. You were the one ignoring his text messages, not the other way around. When you found him just outside of security, you felt like you were going to be sick, and every step you took towards him was spent preparing yourself for the speech he was probably going to give you.

The one thing that you didn't expect though, was for him to wrap you up in a tight hug without even saying a word. You stood there, stiff in his arms for only a moment before wrapping your arms around him and returning his hug. There was a significant age gap between you and all three siblings, all three of them were out of the house by the time you were 10-years-old. But if there was one sibling you were close to growing up, it was Jordie. Sure, you and Jamie were close too, especially with the two of you being in Dallas most months out the year. And sure, Jenn was always the best big sister to you, giving you advice on things you could never go to your parents to. But Jordie, he was the ultimate sibling. He was always on your side, no matter what choices you made but was also never afraid to call you out on your bullshit– and of course, always helped you find a way to fix it. So his hug, his hug made you feel the most relaxed you had felt since everything well to hell.

That car ride home was when he asked you how everything had been, especially since you've been dodging his calls. And while you didn't want to just throw Jamie or Tyler under the bus, the words and feelings just poured out of you. You filled in the holes and gaps that Jamie hadn't told him from beginning to end. And while he did let you know that he thought you and Tyler could have found a different way to deal with things, you could also see that he was pissed at Jamie for treating you the way that he had. Your family had one rule that all of you abided by:

you always loved and supported each other, no matter what.

When you got home, Kennedy was there to greet you along with your parents and Jordie's fiancé Jessi, and you guys all hung out together until about midnight when you and Kennedy went to bed since you were going to be showing her around Victoria tomorrow morning and afternoon. Of course, the two of you stayed up a little later as she caught you up on how her few days with her parents were and what they had gotten her for Christmas. While you filled her in on what it was like to be Big Rig's roommate, your guys' future spring break plans with Paisley and of course, your big blow up on Tyler in the hallway. You felt proud when you told her how you got everything off of your chest that you needed to and even more proud when you saw the look on her face. The one thing you weren't expecting from her though, is her suggestion that maybe you do hear him out at some point in time when the two of you were back in Dallas again.

And as the two of you fell asleep, you didn't want to admit that you had been thinking the same thing from the moment you left that hallway.

❒❒❒❒

Jamie and Katie had gotten in a few hours after everyone went to bed. As far as you knew, they were greeted by the lone kitchen light your mom always left on if someone was expecting to come home late. They were still sleeping when everyone met downstairs for breakfast and by the time that they had a chance to wake up and come downstairs, you dragged Kennedy out of the house and gave her a tour of your hometown.

You managed to avoid Jamie up until dinner time when you had no choice but to come home. You greeted Katie like you hadn't just seen her yesterday and Jamie was too wrapped up in a conversation with your mom to even warrant a greeting. Dinner was probably as awkward as it could get. Sure, the conversation flowed easily from topic to topic: the hockey season, how life in LA was going, how Jessi's parents were doing, what our predictions were when Jenn and Andrew would welcome a new baby into the world, whether or not Kennedy and I were prepared for the real world after college– it was all so easy.

Except, as expected, there were those small pockets of awkward tension whenever a small silence fell over the table or something having to do with Dallas ever popped up into question. Leave it to your dad of all people to be the one to bring up the Winter Classic and of course, Tyler in a not so obvious way. He had said he'd been talking to Paul that he had asked if both families were going to get together for a dinner after the game. You could see the vein in Jamie's forehead beginning to bulge and you shot your mom and Jordie a desperate look. When she gave you a shoulder shrug back, it was then that you looked at your father and realized he knew damn well what he had done.

No one gave him an answer, so he answered it himself and said that they were already making reservations and the rest of dinner went by uneventfully. Your mom had made her holiday chocolate mousse pie and your group sat around in the living room in front of the tv and watched, like tradition, some Hallmark movies. But as the time got later, everyone started to go off to bed. You agreed to go up but laid there, staring at your ceiling as Kennedy was fast asleep next to you. You tried everything to make yourself fall asleep, but it just wasn't happening.

You sighed and quietly snuck out of bed, putting on your slippers before opening your bedroom door and walking out into the hallway. You walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, turning on the kitchen light and grabbing yourself a clean glass that was in the drying rack. There was a drink that your dad had made you and your siblings whenever you guys were sick. And sure, you weren't sick right now, but the warm drink and the hint of alcohol would be enough to make you feel a little more sleepy than you were at this very moment. You grabbed the makers mark whiskey from beneath the kitchen island and the rest of your ingredients from around the kitchen. You remembered the first time you had to drink it. Both you and Jamie had managed to catch a winter cold and your dad made you share the same cup. Jamie's twisted face of disgust was one that still made you laugh to this day whenever you thought back on the memory. And as you finished making the drink, you smiled only for a second before remembering where your relationship with Jamie stood today.

You walked into the living room and grabbed a canucks sweatshirt that Jordie had left hanging on the back of the couch and put it on before walking back into the kitchen, grabbing your drink and then making your way out onto the back porch. You turned the light on from inside before unlocking and sliding open the door, closing it behind you. The snow blanketed your backyard and as you looked out at the untouched scene, you played home movies in your mind. Over there in the far left corner, was where your parents had managed to keep alive an old playground set that Jamie and Jordie spent years fighting on. The ancient oak tree nestled in the right corner of your fenced-in backyard was where you broke your arm for the first time. You were eight and Jamie had held you on top of his shoulders so you could reach the hole that he had hidden his report card in from your parents. He lost his footing and the two of you fell backward, your arm taking most of the impact.

The fire pit buried beneath the snow where you had your first 'official' date at fourteen the summer after Jamie's second season with the stars. You parents were out of town, Jenn was on a vacation with Andrew, so it was left to Jordie and Jamie to look after you. Your mom had already told them that they had no authority when it came to canceling your date– but in fact, they were in charge of chaperoning it. Jordie took you guys to a movie and sat ten rows back, which wasn't all that bad considering you were too nervous to do anything anyway. But when it came to having a small bonfire in the backyard, you and your date were more comfortable with each other. If only your brothers were the same.

Every time he tried to scoot his chair near yours, one of the two older Benn boys would come out with water, food or even just straight-up move your chair further away. You would turn and see the two of them peeking from the sliding door and give them the death stare before they ducked back behind a curtain. The last straw was drawn when you thought you had a free moment to have your first kiss. Jordie and Jamie hadn't come out to bother the two of you when you moved into the same seat or when he held your hand. But the moment you and your date closed your eyes and went in for a kiss, Jamie shoved a bag of marshmallows in between you and said, "it's time for smores yeah?"

You were so horrified that you had your date call his mom to come and pick him up and he had to sit in the living room with your two older brothers while you hid away in your bedroom.

Thinking back on it now, you couldn't help but laugh at just how far your two brothers went to protect you. You even tried to tie that into your situation today– but it was hard to even draw up the similarities.

When you heard the door slide open and shut again and a presence appears behind you, it didn't take long to know just who had joined you on the front porch. "How did you know I was out here?"

"I saw the hot toddy stuff on the counter and I know how you like to come out here to think sometimes." He replied, letting the silence fall between you again before making his way closer to you and coming to a stop beside you, clearing some snow off of the deck ledge and resting his arms onto it– he too was holding his drink. "I'm not sick, but it just hits the spot for when you can't sleep."

"I thought the same thing," you replied, looking at him to see him looking out at the backyard.

You wondered if he was looking out into your old childhood backyard and thinking about all of the memories like you were. Or if he was just staring out for the hell of it, trying to think of what to say to you. Hell, you didn't even know if you were going to be able to start a conversation– you sure as hell didn't feel like you needed to. The fact that he had ignored you up until this very moment was almost enough to make you finish your drink and leave him out on the back porch without a word.

Almost.

"Why are you even talking to me?"

You could tell by his slight wince at the harshness of your question, that he was caught off-guard. Perhaps he was planning to initiate the conversation after all? He took a sip of his drink, sucking in his bottom lip before sighing, hanging his head. "Jordie. He was waiting up for Katie and me and when I came back downstairs, he kind of ripped me a new one about what I said to you..."

A huge wave of disappointment washed over you. Was Jamie only talking to you out of obligation to Jordie or was he really interested in fixing things between the two of you? Would your relationship ever be the same again?

"Oh..." You frowned, looking away from him and down at your cup.

"And he's right. I shouldn't have said what I did." His answer caught your attention and you looked at him as he nodded his head from side to side. "I know that you're...a woman now and that you can make your own decisions, no matter how wrong I think they are."

If it wasn't such a serious and long-awaited moment, you would've burst into laughter at how he had whispered the last part. Just Jamie being Jamie and still owning up to his own beliefs while trying to apologize.

"And it was wrong of me to insinuate that you were just another..."

He didn't need to be looking at you for you to see how severely uncomfortable he was starting to feel at repeating his own words. So, like he often did when you were growing up, you stepped in to save him. "It's okay, I know what you mean. And I'm sorry....for everything."

He didn't respond and only kept looking down at his drink as your apology went unnoticed and the silence settled in between the two of you again. You couldn't help but wonder if this was going to be it– the way the two of you would be around each other for the rest of your lives. Sure, the freshness of it all would wear down the road– but the two of you would never forget what started it all. It'd be there like a stain you'd always try to hide, but never could. And if he wasn't going to add on to your conversation, you were stuck– unsure of what else to do to get him to talk to you.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

For some reason, that question hurt you more than seeing his face the moment he recognized you in Tyler's theatre room. It wasn't as if you were planning on hiding it forever, you were going to tell him. And not telling him before he found out, was going to be your biggest regret for a long time– especially since you could hear just how hurt he was just by hearing him ask that small, simple question.

"I think I was scared of what you'd think...or do," you shrugged, taking another sip of our drink before holding onto it tighter, letting the hot cup heat your hands. "I didn't want you to be mad at me or hate me–"

"Yeah, well look at how that turned out," he mumbled, bringing his cup to his mouth.

You traced your tongue along the side of your cheek and ignored the sting of his hushed words. He had a right to be hurt and you knew it, so you were just going to take it and hope that it was the first choice he was feeling and not the second.

"I guess I just...I didn't want you to be disappointed in me, you know? You're my big brother, I look up to you. I should've told you, I understand that now and I guess I...I don't know."

"Yeah, you should've told me." He replied, finally looking away from his cup and turning towards you. "I still would've been mad, but I'd be a lot less mad than I was when I...found you two."

He turned his attention back towards the snow as the two of you took another sip of your drinks. He sighed, probably making the same face as he did when he was a kid. More silence ensued, but this time it wasn't full of tension. Almost like the kind of silence the two of you could live with as if you were hanging out in the living room, playing on your phones.

"How have you been since...how are you?"

You raised your eyebrows in surprise as you stood up a little straighter. You weren't sure if he was really interested or asking just for the hell of it, but you were going to answer anyway as best as you could without giving too much away. "Alright, I guess," you sighed, bringing the cup back to your lips and leaning your head to the side. "Kind of wishing none of it ever happened?"

"Really?" Jamie asked, perking up a little bit as he looked at you again.

You went to answer, but the knot in your throat prevented you from doing so, so you just brought your cup to your lips and took a sip.

He sighed and you knew that he was well aware that you had just lied to him. "I was mad, Y/N. Like, the maddest that I've ever been in my entire life. Seeing you two like that, knowing you guys had been...and behind my back." He shook his head, taking a moment. "I honestly think I could've killed him then and there, and you...for a hot moment, I think I would've been one hundred percent okay if I never had to talk to you or see you again."

For the first time, you finally understood just how hurt Jamie had been and how seriously he took your situation with Tyler. His confession threw you for a surprise. He really would have been okay with never talking to or seeing you again– your own brother. The guy who was always one of the first people to comfort you. Who let you sneak into his room when you were younger because you were scared of the dark. The same guy who, once you stopped sneaking into his room thanks to a new nightlight, often slept on the floor of your bedroom because you were convinced there was a monster in your closet. His confession was enough to move you to tears and you couldn't have stopped them if you tried.

"I'm sorry," you nodded, shaking your head as your bottom lip trembled. "I-I didn't mean to hurt you and I swear everything with Tyler it just...it came out of nowhere." You took a shallow breath before going to speak again, only a small sob escaped instead.

Jamie turned slightly and stepped closer to you, bringing you into his side and rubbing your arm. He wasn't tense at the sudden hug, but instead relaxed and welcoming. "It's okay, Y/N," he said, not minding that you were getting tears on his sweatshirt. "I mean, I don't understand why you felt like you needed to hide it from me, but I do understand why you did. And I've forgiven you for it."

You sniffled, wiping your cheeks with Jordie's sweatshirt sleeve. "And Tyler?"

He paused and you could hear him holding onto his breath as he contemplated how to answer your question. He let you go from his side and sighed as the fear that you just ruined a six-year friendship, ran through your veins. "I don't know yet."

The two of you settled back in your spots on the deck ledge and sipped your drinks in silence as you both stared out at the falling snow. You got your apology, Jamie was finally acknowledging you and you can no longer feel the tension between the two of you...but something still felt off.

"Were you happy?" Jamie asks, turning towards you fully and resting an elbow on the ledge. "With Segs. Were you happy with him?"

You couldn't help but smile as you thought about all of the times you'd spent with Tyler over the last few weeks. All of the study sessions, the times you'd babysit the dogs. His facetime calls just so he could talk to you and Gerry. How you snuck him on to campus one night because he 'wanted to experience the college dorm life' and then only to have him leave the next morning saying that college beds were horrible and that you'd be sleeping at his place for the rest of the year. The time he added bubble bath to his jacuzzi because he's always wanted to do it, but then decided he'd never do it again because of the bill he had to pay to get it cleaned. Every moment was happy and giggly and left you feeling things that you haven't felt in years– not even in your few years with Cole.

"Yeah," you nodded, letting the smile fall when you looked Jamie in the eye. "Really happy."

"Why?"

You laughed softly at just how blunt Jamie's question was and how serious and bland his tone had been. You shrugged, holding your cup close to you. "I don't know how to explain it, really. I mean, we have chemistry–"

"No, please don't get into that."

"Not only that kind," you rolled your eyes. "It's like...we just get each other, you know? With Cole, it was like he never cared about my interests, my friends or my family. He didn't have the interest to know what I want to do in five years, where I want to travel. We didn't have the same sense of humor and when I'd chirp at him, he couldn't handle it."

"With Tyler," you laughed, tossing your head back softly before nodding and pointing at Jamie. "Do you remember that first roadie I went on with you guys? To Colorado? Well, on the plane ride there I had to fill out study cards, but I fell asleep. On the plane ride back, I found them already made in Tyler's messy handwriting that he tried to make neat, and he helped me study by letting me use him as an anatomy doll. I taped notecards all over him while the guys in the back of the plane laughed, and he just...let it happen. He even tried to learn it too."

You took a long sip of your drink, reminiscing on that first moment when you realized how much Tyler had meant to you. "He already loves and knows my family and my friends, but he still asks about them. Those first few weeks, he asked more about me than Cole had ever asked during our entire relationship. Not to mention, he can take my chirping and give it right back. He's saved me in a bar, picked me up at a party when I was stranded with no ride. He respects me, my choices, he understands that I'm an independent woman who can stand up for herself because she had two older brothers who taught her how to hold her own. But he's still...there, you know?"

Jamie looked at you in silence but seemed as if he was taking your words into serious consideration. Speaking about your time with Tyler made you sad and realize just how much you missed having him in your life. You haven't heard anything from him since the text he sent to you before the game and you figured that he was mad at you because you lied and told him you were staying instead of leaving. You wouldn't allow yourself to even being to imagine how his face looked when he walked into the hallway to see that you weren't there.

"It doesn't matter though, it's over. Tyler probably hates me and...it's over, it's all over." You sighed and chugged the rest of your drink, letting out a harsh sigh before pushing yourself away from the ledge. "I'm going to bed though, I'll see you in the morning. Goodnight."

You turned to walk away and towards the door, tugging on the handle and sliding it open. "Do you want it to be over though?" Jamie asked. "If you could be with him right now...would you?"

You held onto the handle and turned around to look at Jamie. "I love him, J." He opened his mouth to cut you off, but you shook your head. "And I know you think I'm stupid for saying that...and no, I don't know if we would've last or if it was just a short fling...but I do, J. I love him with my whole heart."

You stared at him, trying your best to get a read on his reaction as he just looked at you and registered your words while hoping more than anything, that he'd come to accept your feelings for Tyler. He sucked in his lips and nodded before turning back towards the backyard. "Goodnight, Y/N."

You felt disappointment come over you, a shallow ache echoed in your chest as you made your way back into the house, closing the door behind you. You placed your cup into the sink and tossed Jordie's sweatshirt onto the kitchen counter before walking up the stairs and back into your bedroom. You crawled back into your bed, the hot toddy making your body warm as you tried to focus on your breathing and the tears built up. You took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, trying not to wake Kennedy when another sob escaped.

You felt Kennedy shift and roll onto her side, reaching out and grabbing your hand. "Tyler?"

"Pfft, what?" You sniffled, shaking your head. "No, why would you think that?"

"Because you have 'The Summer I Turned Pretty' trilogy on your bedside table– and you always read it when you're sad."

You went to take another deep breath, only letting out a shuddered one. "Because it has a happy ending...stupid happy endings."

"Yeah, who needs happy endings," Kennedy replied, squeezing your hand.

"Me!" You cried, sniffling as you turned to Kennedy and laughing at how ridiculous you probably looked. "I want one."

Kennedy sighed, squeezing your hand again and staring at the ceiling. "I know, I know."

[ DECEMBER 25TH, 2019 ]

A Christmas Miracle, that's all you could call it. It was as if some Christmas Angel had been watching you and Jamie have your late night heart to heart, because since then– it was like the blip between the two of you never even happened. Everyone was thrilled to see the two of you joking and talking to one another again, probably no one more thrilled than your mom. He even indulged in his yearly Hallmark Christmas movie argument with you, like he did every year.

And, like they've done every year on your birthday since you could even remember, your two older brothers found a way to toss you into a snowbank as a morning wake up. After the age of 13, you found it extremely annoying and always struggled against them as they'd carry you to the backyard. But considering everything that happened, you were more than willing to participate in the festivities. Since your birthday took place on Christmas, your family always had a specific Christmas routine.

The two older Benn boys would toss you into the snowbank, you'd change into the clothes that your mom already had set aside. Then you'd all eat your favorite breakfast (which Jamie and Jordie groomed you to love their favorite breakfast from the moment you had a choice), everyone would settle in with their coffee and drinks of choice before relaxing in the living room. As the birthday girl, you'd always get to open the first present and then everyone would do their gift exchanges. When gifts were done, your dad would put in the first one many original classic Christmas movies and you'd relax all day until the night came. At night, the family would gather up and drive a few blocks down to the Wilkinson's Christmas Tree farm for pond skating and hot chocolate.

It was always a fun-filled day, and besides you finally turning 22 years old, you loved the traditions the day brought and the love and happiness that radiated all around you. The best surprise came when you had Kennedy answer the door to her Christmas present. She squealed when she saw Big Rig standing there with a Santa hat on and a cheesy grin. And when she jumped into his arms and he spun her around on your front porch, your heart swelled with joy. You knew he was coming, the two of you had planned it sometime after Kennedy had gone home. His family was already planning on visiting extended family in Vancouver on Christmas and he thought he'd stop by around late-afternoon to surprise her.

When she found out you were in on the surprise, she tackled you with a hug and then told you that she hated you– but you just told her that you loved her too and to go get her man. As the day dwindled on, you saw how happy everyone was around one another and realized just how incredibly single you were. You looked down at your phone and opened your messages, staring down at Tyler's contact and re-reading his last message over and over again. You opened the message and took a deep breath, typing one up.

Merry Christmas ☃️🎄

You stared at the screen as the small delivered appeared beneath your message. When the three moving dots appeared on his side, you felt your heart skip a beat and the grip on your phone get a little tighter. Maybe he wasn't mad at you after all and was just giving you space to reach out to him?

All of that hope went away just as soon as the three dots disappeared. You felt yourself literally crumble as you hoped that they'd pop up again, but never did. You locked your phone and sighed, before joining your family outside so that you guys could head to the Wilkinson farm.

The Wilkinson's were longtime family friends who owned a Christmas tree farm that had been passed down through generations of family. Over time, instead of just selling Christmas trees, they would sell hot chocolate, have pictures with Santa for the kids, a little 'Elfs workshop' where you could buy small gifts, and in the middle of the space, not too far away from all the small festivities, was a frozen pond where you could go ice skating for the small price of $5 if you had your own skates and $7 if you needed to rent them.

It was a tradition to not only get your Christmas tree from the Wilkinson's but on Christmas night, to go ice skating out on the pond with the Wilkinson's and a few other families as well. It was probably your favorite part of the day because just being around all of the close families and skating around with the kids you grew up with was the best.

But at the moment, that wasn't looking all too cheery.

"Can you at least pretend to be excited?" Kennedy asked, closing the car door behind her. "The look on your face could melt Frosty the Snowman if he was around."

"Oh, I'm sorry," you replied, clasping your hands together. "Let me just smile and wave while I tag along on this," you looked around your group, counting everyone. "This eight-person date. Nothing makes me happier than being the ninth wheel around couples."

"I can be your stand-in, pretend boyfriend if you want?" Big Rig laughed, fixing his coat. "It'd make me look good since I'd have two beautiful girls on my arms."

"I can share," Kennedy laughed, hooking her arm through his. "You can look, but don't touch."

You smiled and rolled your eyes. "Don't worry, he's all yours Kennedy."

"Are you guys coming or no?" Jamie called out. The three of you turned to see the rest of your group already heading towards the small cabin where you would rent your skates.

"Ugh, let's just get this over with, yeah?" You groaned, walking ahead of them and stuffing your free hand into your jacket pocket. You normally weren't such a grouch, but your mood hasn't been the same since you sent that text to Tyler and knew that he had read it. You spent the entire car ride trying to tell yourself that it wasn't your fault– that even before you left the arena, you knew that the damage had been done.

You were just now seeing how life would be without Tyler in it like he used to be.

"Go ahead and go to the pond, Y/N. We're just going to grab some skates." Jordie said, waving you off in the direction towards the pond.

"I'm sorry?" You asked, holding up your skates. "Did I miss the part where the three NHL boys and two parents of NHL players...forgot their skates?"

Jamie rolled his eyes and stepped away from the counter where Tyler Wilkinson, your first crush and three years your senior, was chatting with your parents. He walked over to you and gave you a gentle nudge away from them all. "We're helping Katie, Jessi, Kennedy and Big Rig get skates. Just go snag us a bench before someone else takes one."

You nodded but mumbled incoherently beneath your breath as you walked through the path that leads you directly through the Christmas trees and out towards the pond. The farm itself was looking barren since it was Christmas and the Wilkinson's had sold every available tree that was for sale. The further you walked, the more you could begin to smell the freshness of the trees that still had time to grow until they would be sold in the Christmas's to come. Lined up on both sides of the path were string lights on poles, linking together to light the path.

The trees began to thin out as you came to the opening of the skating area. Strangely, there was no one else around, which was extremely odd since your family was already running a little late than normal and most of the time you guys weren't the first family here. You walked over to a bench and plopped down, getting ready to put on your skates when you noticed something spread along the ice. You turned back towards the path to see if anyone from your group was coming before reaching for your phone and calling Jamie.

Only it went straight to voicemail. You rolled your eyes and waited for his automatic message to finish before speaking. "Is this place closed because nobody else is here. There's also like," you sighed and stood up,  making your way over to the ice, carefully stepping on and sliding your way over to the object. "It's this shadow on the ice and hold on, I'm getting closer to it. It's– what the hell?"

Your eyebrows furrowed as you moved closer to what was previously a dark spot on the ice. As you got closer to it– you saw it for what it was...a bottle of wine and a box of your favorite cookies. Surrounding them were printed out pictures positioned to spell something out.

'I'm Sorry'

You slowly moved closer to the pictures, carefully squatting down and picking one up to see it was a candid of you and Marshall snuggling on Tyler's couch. As you looked at the rest of them, you felt your chest flutter. They were all pictures of you. Some of them were selfies of you and Tyler, but most of them were candids of you doing simple things– napping on his lap, studying on the couch, tanning with the dogs, glaring at Tyler after he had spilled flour everywhere on one of the nights you made pizza. Every picture held a memory, all of them you remembered, but none you realized had been captures. Your eyes skimmed them all and landed on the last one that was propped up against the wine bottle and cookies. You reached forward and picked it up, bringing it closer to you before you laughed.

It was a picture of a night where you, Kennedy, Big Rig and Tyler were all hanging out at Tyler's place. Kennedy or Big Rig must have taken the picture because it was of you and Tyler sitting on the couch, obviously trying to cuddle and Gerry was trying to force his way between you while Cash was sprawled out across your lap and Marshall was lying on the floor in front of you, staring at his two brothers. Tyler was laughing and trying to push Gerry off while looking at you with the sweetest eyes and you just had your head tossed back into a full-on fit of laughter.

It was a perfect representation of what your relationship was like– always laughing and pure joy.

You heard someone else join you on the ice and you immediately knew who it was, just based on how the hairs on the back of your neck stood up and your heart pounded against your chest. "Hey, Y/N..."

You wanted to turn around and just run into his arms before the tears got the chance to fall down your face, but you reminded yourself of the hell he had put you through the last two weeks and for once, your body listened to your brain. "What are you doing here?"

You heard him move closer but kept your back to him, fearful that if you even got the tiniest look at him, your courage and defense would come crumbling down in an instant. "You didn't meet me after the game and I..." He sighed, frustrated, "we need to talk about everything."

"I meant what I said Tyler, you had two weeks to reach out to talk to me– to explain everything, but you never did. So why should I give you the chance to do it now?"

"You shouldn't, that's the thing." You hadn't expected him to agree with you if anything you expected him to plead his case and beg for a chance. "But if you do give me the chance...I'll take whatever time you give me."

You took a deep breath, your eyes looking down at the display that suddenly made complete sense. He had set this up on the ice. He had printed off these pictures he'd taken of you and saved– obviously you had meant something to him more than you previously thought. You cleared your throat and put the picture in your hand in your pocket as you brought out your phone and opened the timer. You set it for five minutes before turning around and showing him your screen and pressing the start button. "You've got five minutes."

You were right. One look at him and you wanted to run over to him and just fall into his arms. His hair was disheveled and curled. He was dressed down in jeans, sneakers and a Dallas Stars sweatshirt that you knew all too well. He was in his relaxed element and it was how you loved him the most.

"Okay five minutes, phew okay, um," He stuttered over his own words as he simultaneously struggled to get his hands out of his sweatshirt pockets. "I'm sorry that I never texted you after everything. I meant to– I even typed up a bunch of messages and I just...I never sent them because I don't– I don't know why. God, why is this so hard?" He groaned, rubbing his hands down his face.

"Four minutes."

"Shit, okay I guess I didn't text you because I wanted that to be a face to face conversation? I just, I didn't want to drop shit like that over a text. And the uber thing, God, I fucking wish I could take that back so much, Y/N. Cassidy and Candace even told me how much of a douchebag I was for that. I didn't mean to make you feel like you were just another side piece and I think, I think I was just in fucking shock over how everything just imploded right in front of me."

"Three." You said, taking a glance at your phone before looking back at him. He had maintained eye contact with you every moment he vented, which only made you more emotional. He was covering his bases well and the desperation in his voice and pain in his eyes helped you know that he was meaning every single word. But he still hadn't talked about the one thing you wanted him to explain most of all.

"You were right, about me still being that kid in Boston. I mean, I'm not– I don't want to be. I've worked hard on myself and I've grown up since being here in Dallas– a lot of that was because of Chubb–Jamie. And I think, I think I just panicked over losing not just you...but him too." He stepped closer to you, shaking his head. "I, he's one of my best friends, Y/N. And the pain of even thinking about not having you in my life was horrible– like that shit gave me a migraine. But losing the both of you? I don't think I could even fucking survive."

"Two minutes."

His eyes looked at your phone and you saw them widen in fear. He had so much to say and knew he was running out of time to say it, but couldn't quite phrase it just right. "That's why I didn't text, call or even talk to you in person to explain. I just– I wanted to fix things with Jamie and explain to him that what happened with us, that it wasn't malicious or a stupid hit it and quit it situation– that I actually cared for you and he just, he wouldn't listen."

"You called me an obsessed hook up in the locker room." You said, speaking for the first time other than reading out how much time he had left. "Care to explain that?"

He opened his mouth to speak and closed it, the pattern happening twice before he shook his head and tried to blink away the faint tears that shined in his eyes. "I was frustrated at your brother and that stupid comment Draisaitl made about you and me to Jamie and just," he stepped towards you reaching for your hand and grabbing on to it, staring at it when he realized you hadn't pulled away. "I didn't mean it, I'd never mean that. You're–"

"45 seconds." You said, pulling your hand away from his.

He blinked a few times before nodding his head and licking his lips. "I never invited Maisy to the game, she came herself with her boyfriend and his cousin and her roommate. She just picked those seats because she liked the view and her boyfriend had never been to a game before."

You wanted to ask how he knew that, but you knew there was really only one way he'd find out– he'd have to ask.

"I called her, that same night after the game. I was an honest ass about it too, wondering what the hell she was pulling and she told me everything. She was never there for me. I didn't invite her and I didn't buy her those tickets, Y/N. I would have never done that to you," he reached for you only this time his hand came up to your face. "You were never just a hook-up to me. You were so much more than that and I think that I even lo..." He paused, looking down as your phone timer rang, erupting in between the two of you and signaling that his time was over with. His Adam's apple bobbed as he looked back up at you with hope in his eyes. "You're still so much more to me than that," he whispered, his thumb brushing away a tear on your cheek that you hadn't even noticed started to fall down your cheek.

You took a small step away from him, holding up your phone. "Five minutes is up. Tha–" you cleared your throat and took a breath, relaxing yourself. "Thank you for explaining everything."

He sucked in his bottom lip and nodded his head taking a step back and stuffing his hands in his sweatshirt pockets. "It's the least I could do after putting you through all of that. Thank you for letting me talk, I know you didn't have to do that."

He turned to walk away and paused mid-step, smiling at you. "Happy Birthday by the way. 22 years old? God, what are you an old lady now?" He added a sad mimic of his usual glowing childlike smile.

You gave him a small smile back. "Better than 27 and having joints that crack like an 80-year-olds every time I walk."

He laughed a small and genuine laugh before giving you one last look and turning his back to you, shuffling his way across the ice slowly. You watched him walk away, your heart screaming not to let him go while your brain was wondering how the hell he even got here in the first place. When you went to put your phone back into your pocket, you felt the picture and a quick flashing memory of that day and every day in between, passed by your eyes. The smiles, the laughter, the way you felt comfortable and safe in his arms– you missed it all.

"Tyler, wait! You called out, causing him to stop before he could even get that far away. He turned as you started to shuffle your way across the ice the short distance he managed to travel. "These pictures," you brought out the photograph and pointed at the rest. "Where did you get them?"

"Are you kidding?" He laughed, digging into his pocket and bringing out his phone. He typed away on it before turning it handing you his phone and showing you an album that had been strictly dedicated to you, the dogs and himself.

Titled: 💚🌎

"Honestly, when you rightfully chewed me out in the hallway, I just had this gut feeling that it was over and that maybe I should delete the photos but," he leaned over and looked at the screen, shrugging his shoulders. "As you said, my times with you were some of the greatest memories I've had in Dallas. And even if you didn't want anything to do with me anymore...I still wanted to keep those. Because to me, these pictures," he pointed at the screen and smiled at you. "Those are my favorite memories, the ones that never fail to make me smile. You're my favorite memory of Dallas, Y/N. Not the partying, the people I've met or the fancy events I go to. But you."

You scrolled through the album and saw even more pictures than the ones he had printed out and your heart was feeling like it could just erupt. You looked up at him with tears in your eyes and your bottom lip trembling. "You really hurt me Tyler..."

"I know," he said, shaking his head and the pain and understanding in his eyes evident. "And I will never fucking forgive myself for that, Y/N. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to say 'fuck you' and kick my dumbass to the curb and never talk to me again." He stood closer to you, closing up any space between your bodies. "And if by some Christmas miracle, you decide to forgive me and give me a second chance...I'd do anything to make it right."

"Anything?" You asked, looking up at him to see him nodding. "Can I have my '#1 labrador mom' keychain back? I miss my puppers."

He laughed and pulled the lanyard along with his house key out of his sweatshirt pocket. "They miss you too, almost as more as I do. Keyword, almost." He handed you the keychain and looked back at you with hopeful eyes. "Anything else?"

You held onto the lanyard tightly and nodded. "Kiss me?"

This time, his real smile took over his face as he wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you against him, pressing a kiss to your lips. You wrapped both arms around his neck and pulled him into, savoring the kiss before tucking your head into the crook of his neck and closing your eyes. He wrapped his other arm around your waist before picking you up and spinning you around in a daring circle.

"Tyler, no skates!" You squealed, holding onto him tighter as he put you back onto the ice.

He smiled at you, catching his breath before ducking down and kissing you once, twice, three times and pulling you back into his chest. "I missed you so fucking much, Y/N."

"Say it." You said, looking up at him and resting your chin on his chest. "What you were going to say before the timer went off."

He gave you a knowing smile before brushing a piece of hair out of your face and resting his hand on the back of your head. "I love you."

You smiled and jumped up and more into his arms, knocking him off of his feet and onto his ass. The two of you laughed as you straddled over him and pressed another kiss to his lip while your left hand, still holding onto the lanyard, cradled his face. "I love you too." You whispered, feeling his grip around your waist tighten.

He smiled, nudging his nose against your own. "I know."

"OKAY LOVEBIRDS, GET OFF THE ICE SO WE CAN SKATE, EH?" Big Rig yelled out, causing the two of you to look over and see that you had an audience waiting for you at the edge of the pond.

You felt your heart hammer against your chest as you saw Jamie standing there with Katie. You were nervous about what he thought about Tyler's trip here on Christmas to rekindle what you guys had started months earlier. Tyler took the initiative to stand up first, helping you off of the ice and dusting you off before holding onto the hand and leading the two of you to the edge of the pond.

"I forgot to ask," you said, looking at him as he stepped off of the pond first. "How did you even know I was going to be here?"

Before Tyler could say anything, he was cut off. "I called him." You turned to see Jamie stepping towards you and not stopping until he was standing directly in front of you and Tyler. "After my conversation with Jordie and then talking to you...I reached out to him."

You looked at Tyler who gave you a smile and a nod. "We talked everything out and he told me to come out here."

"You helped him plan this?" You asked, looking at Jamie with a confused look.

"Cassidy, Candace and I helped him plan the pictures, cookies, and wine," Kennedy smiled, snuggling into Big Rig's side. "But everything else was him."

"I wouldn't say everything else. I just got him here and kept everyone back at the skate rental." He said, looking back at Kennedy and then at Tyler. "But the rest was Seggy."

You looked at Jamie and tried to read him. There wasn't any tension in his stance towards Tyler, nor was he sending him secret death glares. Instead, he had the same protective brother energy radiating off of him like he did on your first date or around any other guy who tried to date you.

And for the first time ever, you didn't care.

You rushed from Tyler's side and practically tackled Jamie with a hug, squeezing him as tight as you had your eyes shut. He hugged you just as tight, even lifting you off of the ground just a tad. "I love you and I just want what's best for you, Y/N. And if that's Seggy, then I'm on your side...100%." He whispered, kissing the top of your head.

"I love you too J...thank you." You pulled out of his arms and looked back at Tyler with a smile before turning back to your family group. "So, are we skating or what?"

"Well, considering there's a big romantic gesture in the middle of the pond, I don't know how we can do–OW!" Jordie said, looking at Jessi before sighing. "Okay, I guess we can go pick it up. Come on Jamie."

Everyone sat down and talked as they got their skates on and as you looked around the group, you felt like you were once again floating on cloud nine. A hand appeared in front of your face and you looked up to see Tyler smiling at you and nodding his head towards the ice. "Skate?"

"Sure thing, Seguin. As long as you don't go breaking a hip on me." You replied, rolling your eyes.

He laughed and pulled you up off of the bench and the two of you skated around on the ice, hand in hand. "I'll save the hip breaking for the Family Skate at the Winter Classic." He looked down at you. "You're coming to that, right?"

"As a part of Jamie's family or..." You didn't dare say the other option, fearful that you were jumping into a whole nother conversation.

But Tyler smiled and held up your intertwined hands in between the two of you. "You can go as Jamie's family, sure. But I was kind of hoping that you'd you know...skate with me..." He nodded his head side to side, hoping that you'd be able to fill in the blanks but you just smiled. "As my girlfriend? Unless you're totally scared of me beating you in the race we will most definitely be having."

"I'd love to," you smiled, reaching up and kissing him on the lips. "And for the record, I'd totally beat your ass."

He raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Would you like to test that theory?"

You smirked, dropping his hand and winking at him. "You're on."

[softestsaddestbitch]

December TC Challenge

stole this from @elder-edda (sorry for creeping! just, given the usual demographic of the tc community I was excited to find another 20-smthg)

1) what color is your tc’s hair?

He has just, simple brown hair but he’s starting to go grey which, no lie, is 100% doing it for me.

2) is your tc married?

Yes? He doesn’t wear a ring and I believe she kept her last name which makes me think it’s more of a civil partnership since they’ve been together since the early 2000s at least. But he also will refer to her as “my wife” and was telling me once that they waited until “after they got married” before moving in together.

3) if yes, do you care? would you do something with them regardless of their marriage?

I know these questions are general but I do take offense at the idea of being a homewrecker/other woman. I’ve met his wife, she’s really nice.

4) what’s your worst memory with your tc?

I put my foot in my mouth SO OFTEN. Good lord. Especially my last semester at that school? He was acting weird and I had just realized after fucking ... four years?? that I romantically liked him. So I kept bringing up my weird age fixation and other bs bc I have adhd and am possibly autistic?? and can’t read a room to save my life.

5) what’s your best memory with your tc?

One year we had a really bad snowstorm, so bad in fact that I had my first-ever snow day. The college that I used to go to has four campuses across as many cities, and C has to drive in twice a week to my (old) town from his. Now, morning classes had been canceled but afternoon classes had been given the go-ahead. C, who does not check his emails until he arrives at campus, evidently did not get this message until he was already in town and therefore didn’t have a morning class, but did have an afternoon class. On this day I had a late morning class that had been reinstated, but my prof didn’t get that memo so I also was on campus but didn’t have a class. So I went to visit his office, which I had been doing throughout the semester (I didn’t have a class with him at the time) and we just ... hung out for like 2 hours. It was so nice and one of the anecdotes he told me still haunts me lol.

sidenote: at the time, I hadn’t yet realized that I liked him, but I still went out of my way to visit him. Damn I was a dumbass.

6) does anyone in your school know how you feel?

ish? I told a classmate but in a “haha joking” kinda way. And a friend who went to that school knows. No one at my current school knows.

7) does your tc know how you feel?

I think he might? might have a lil inkling which would explain why he started acting so weird my last semester. Or at the very least was told/realized how bad it could look that he was getting so chummy w/ a student.

8) do you think there’s any chance your tc reciprocates your feelings?

He and his wife have been together for around 20 years now. No. No, I don’t think so. Maybe in an alternate universe.

9) are you getting your tc a christmas present? if so, what is it?

I have in the past! Specifically like, a tin of cookies lol. I’ve also given him an actual present when I left. I do intend to send him a Christmas card every year but not this year because ... you know ... the apocalypse.

10) have you ever flirted with your tc?

Flirtation inherently has intent. So, no. How he interpreted our interactions I don’t know.

11) how long have you had a crush on them? what began it all?

SO! TIMELINE!

I was at my old school from September 2014-April 2019, I had C for the first time in September 2015. Like I mentioned above, I did not realize I had a crush on him until literally the middle of my final exam of my class with him December 2018, so I’ve only consciously had a crush for about two years now. However, as I also mentioned, I went out of my way to stop by his office, even when I didn’t have a class with him. And my relationship with/feelings towards him are complicated so I’m not going to say I did so solely because I like him, but I would put it maybe closer to somewhere in 2017. You don’t plan your schedule around someone you don’t feel strong feelings for.

12) do you believe you’ll get over them shortly after you stop taking their class/have the chance to spend time with them?

As of today, it has been been exactly a year and a half since I last him in person. In the time since, I have cried over missing him, routinely gone back to keep up with his current research projects, and made his picture a part of my home screen. I almost exclusively listen to the playlist I made for him -  so much so my Spotify Wrapped is pretty much that playlist with a few extras.

13) what kind of grades do you get in their class?

Haaaaaa pre-supension I was failing his classes. My first semester back I got .... a mid/high 70? and I finished my last class with him with an A+ and the essay I had written for his class had the highest grade between the two classes so..

14) does your tc ever do any tiny, little things that you adore?

When he puts a hand in his pocket and leans against the wall. When he tucks his hair behind his ear because he keeps falling in his face (he has long hair, a little past his shoulders). When he can’t stop himself from googling something even if its in the middle of class. How you can ask him anything at any time. The way he would chuckle at my jokes. How his handwriting hasn’t improved in decades. How easily he brushes off toxic masculinity. His candidness and willingness to share little anecdotes. The way he used to always smile whenever he saw me. That he goes home everyday to have lunch with his wife.

15) are you their favorite student?

I was! And it was obvious to other students that we had a friendly, casual relationship too. For a time, if his other students had questions about him they would ask me, and I usually had the answer. I didn’t matter in the long run, but I was. 

16) do you two share any tastes? movies, books, music, etc.

He’s a legal historian, I’m a baby legal/political historian. We also like the same historical cooking youtube channel.

17) is your teacher religious?

I doubt he would say he’s religious, but I feel like we have a similar relationship to religion which is to say no formal association, but had profound effects on our childhoods and subsequently, presumably, how we view things as adults.

18) do you masturbate to them?

Yes.

19) do you communicate with them outside of school?

I sent him a meme once. And asked about the socialist uprising scandal he was apart of. I also almost emailed him while at a museum exhibition with my history friend. These are all through email.

20) do you have any tc songs or songs you relate to your tc? what are they?

SO my number one song this year was “You are the Reason” by Calum Scott because, you guessed it, of him. But also:

I Lost a Friend - Finneas When You’re Ready - Shawn Mendes You Are in Love - Taylor Swift Break My Heart Right - James

& given the season, especially w/ what transpired last year, Last Christmas by Wham!

21) what’s your favorite thing your tc has said/memory you have with them?

One time he kinda trailed off in the middle of lecture after stating that he thought of xyz a particular way which contrasted one of the popular schools of thought, and the way he plainly said, “well, yeah, which I guess ... is I’m arguing it” almost like he was semi-surprised with himself has always stuck with me. 

But also, in addition the memory I shared earlier, we spent an hour and a half talking about grad school and what to expect and how to get there. 

22) do you plan to continue a relationship with them after you leave school?

I trid, I really did. But he doesn’t “socialize with students part or present” so I can’t exactly see him. But I did get some academic-related from him at the beginning of the year.

23) how will you deal during the summer? will you see him/her?

He’s a hermit who used my last vacation before I moved to go on all the vacations he had to postpone because he was working on his last book. And this past summer ... Covid. This question is obviously directed at high school students, but in general, he lives in the back of head always, and when I’m in my hometown for the summer my heart aches because theres a none-zero chance I’ll see him, but I know I won’t.

24) does your tc support gay rights?

Yes. He’s never been put in a position that I know of where he had to outright condemn homophobia, but in one of his classes, he actively made the choice to make the very first reading of the semester about how women in ancient times had more agency than assumed, and also how the woman in the case study was a lesbian.

25) what class do you have with them? And what period? Do you have them every day?

History classes. I won’t get into specifics because it’s kind of an eclectic mix and I’m paranoid someone from the area could come across this. But I had him twice a week every semester that I had him. Again this kind of question is more so applicable to high school students, not so much university students.

26) have you ever drifted out during a lecture thinking about them and missed information?

No. In his classes he is too enthralling, and I’m a good student otherwise.

27) have you stalked them online? what did you find out?

In theory. He’s a fifty-year-old history professor whose reaction to a description of the big lipped/tiny face filter on snapchat was “that sounds disgusting.” The man doesn’t have social media, and if he does those privacy settings are on so students can’t find him he thinks he’s very professional. I do visit his mini-bio section on the college website fairly often tho.

28) have you ever run into them outside of schools? what happened?

I did once. He introduced me to his wife, who said “oh you’re E! C has talked about you” and it apparently he had done so positively, and blew my mind because this was back when I was failing classes and also, as a person, I don’t believe that people think about me when I’m not there. They gave me a restaurant recommendation and afterwards his wife surprised me a they were leaving the restaurant because ... we had listened to them, and they also went there for lunch that day.

29) has your tc ever spoken of teacher-student relationships? what did they say?

It had recently come out that it had been found out that another professor had been in a relationship with a student and he’s the one that brought it up before class one day (with all of us not just me). He didn’t say anything for or against it, just that it was generally discouraged, but that most schools did have policies in place to handle the situation.

30) do you regret telling anyone about your tc? if you’ve kept it a secret, why have you done so?

Absolutely not. I can’t tell my best friends because they’d do nothing but give me shit for it and it would call every time I mention him into question. But the friends that I have told ... its been so freeing, and like a weight has been lifted from my heart. One friend in particular I unloaded on her all my emotional shit pertaining to him this past summer and she was so understanding it legit since then I’ve been less distraught when thinking about him. It still hurts, but it feels less like I’m suffocating now.

[darkgeminisworld]

This is gonna be a rant about a probably toxic friend so if you don't wanna read it, this is a heads up.

Okay so for several reasons, most of them being that I need to move on, I decided to write this lengthy rant about a friend I'm pretty sure will not be a friend of mine for much longer, which sucks bc he's almost my only irl friend but also feels good bc he's exhausting and I'm pretty sure he's also toxic.

I've met this guy like 6 and a half years ago, and we pretty much bonded over shared interests pretty fast. The first thing that bothered me was that he'd always be late, which would be absolutely fine if he'd been honest about it. But writing that it's five minutes until he's there and then showing up 30 minutes after that, or writing "I'm on your doorstep" and taking another ten minutes to show up, almost every single time, isn't, especially since I strained to be on time the first months (meaning I'd be too early bc my brain only does too early or too late, nothing in between). And his being late wasn't just 20 or 30 minutes, several times he was over an hour late. Oh, and once when we had agreed to meet he legit wasn't home and I waited around 2 hours, which I really should have held a grudge for back then and been way more pissed at him.

The second thing that bothered me was that he was way too nosy. He'd ask if I'm free to meet and play video games or whatever and whenever I said no he'd ask what I'm doing and if I can't manage my time another way to make time for him. And the thing is, not only did I not ask several times after he told me that he's busy that day, but I actively told him, several times over the course of about the last two years, that it bothers me and asked him to tone it down. My problem here is only that he didn't stop after I asked him to, bc before I told him and asked him, how was he supposed to know.

Coming out to him went well, though he did ask me whether I'm into him, which... No. Obviously it could've gone a lot worse, but still.

The next is more a small annoyance, a small itch, although it might have been a warning sign. He couldn't handle defeat very well. In most video games he was better, but he low-key aggressively denied it when I pointed out the win-lose ratio in my all-time favourite video game series and he'd try to cheat at other games. If it was only about him being competitive I'd understand, but that doesn't mean trying to rewrite the past by blatantly lying about it and ridiculing me for pointing out that that's bullshit, especially since it's only games, played for the fun of it.

We also went to the cinema sometimes, though if it had been up to him it'd have been way more often and that's another point where he really didn't let it go after getting a no. Whether he wanted to watch a horror movie after being told, several times, that I really don't like horror movies, or just the general question of whether we'd be going to the cinema, he'd ask again and ask what I'm doing, why did I not want to go, would another time be good, couldn't I ask my parents for money (which, to be fair, I could have. But I preferred not to bc back then it was really stressful bc we had to move and renovate and I just didn't wanna add more frustration if that makes sense? Plus I wanted to get my hands on some things, which required to save up) etc. Almost every time we did end up going, it was he who initiated it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to see some of the movies just as badly as he did, but... And if he can't even accept "no" from a friend of several years (also a 100% guy friend as far as he is aware bc I didn't start to address gender issues with him), I'm worried about other contexts with that word. Also we did some kind of text role play (just texting back and forth with OCs inserted into several fantasy works like the Inheritance Cycle, who would parttake in the storyline, no set rulebook or anything) and his characters did some questionable and even outright deplorable things and when I wanted his character to suffer consequences, he always wanted him to get away with it. Like, his idea for one of his characters "pranking" mine in reaction to a prank which in itself was a retaliation to his character's pranks was kidnapping and waterboarding my character. And he kept defending it as a prank and demanded that my character should just forgive his character, like... It really made (and continues to make) me wonder and worry just how much of his darker thoughts I don't know about. And I don't know how accurate it is but I once saw a post with a quote that went along the lines of "man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." (btw I couldn't think of a satisfactory way to phrase it so I ended up looking up the quote and apparently it's from Oscar Wilde)

So I spent a fair amount of time arguing with him over that and trying to explain to the best of my ability why it was wrong, and for some time it went better.

Fast forward a few months to the blm protests or more specifically news coverage of it and info I sent him. He defended cops and blamed the protestors and even justified the atrocities of the cops, so that was the first instance where we had a huge fight. I practically drowned him in links and videos etc and some weeks into that I thought I'd managed to get through to him (Spoiler: I didn't really get through to him) so I kept it in mind but continued to have contact with him and everything (bc at the time I didn't know that I didn't really get through as much as I thought).

From there on it pretty much went downhill. We had been thinking about doing a trip to London for a few days (his idea but at the time I really wanted to go, it was around 2 years ago when I still practically worshipped that one author, she who must not be named) and to this very day he's not letting it go completely. Even though the pandemic puts lots of obstacles in the way and I have more important things to worry about, namely final exams and applications. Even though London is expensive as shit and I still have no way to earn money atm. And about the vacation, I finally canceled last summer (and gave the aforementioned reasons) and he completely lost his shit and got super aggressive, insulted me and tried to guilt-trip me into taking that back and agreeing to still go on that vacation with him. Then we got into another fight where he wanted me to cancel the vacation with my grandparents, which was already planned and booked and everything in order to make time for the vacation I'd already said I don't want to go on with him anymore and aggressively demanded (he didn't ask, he sent a demand and bombarded me with exclamation marks) to know when exactly I'd be going on vacation with them. Then he went offline after I refused and ignored the next few messages I sent him and only replied when I asked "what I'd I reconsidered my stance on the trip?". I mean, baiting him with that definitely was shitty of me, but the result showed that that was basically what he wanted, pressure me into still going on that vacation. That specific conflict had been going on for weeks, bc despite me telling him that it's counterproductive and detrimental to my mental health to increase the pressure and therefore my anxiety about getting a job to pay for the trip, he kept pressuring me while acknowledging that he's giving me lots of pressure and anxiety and even using that against me.

He also didn't acknowledge that most times we try to meet, he goes offline for hours before replying and disappearing again. That would be absolutely fine if he didn't accuse me of doing that, which btw is his standard technique and it took me a long time to realize that. He always tries to shift the blame to make me look like the one at fault, and he always, always demands that I apologize when we had a fight via WhatsApp.

And when I started enforcing my boundaries and telling him to stop asking again and again why I can't meet, what I'm doing, or demanding other explanations, he started to attack me for the kind of language I use, so when I'm ever so slightly sarcastic he immediately latches onto that and creates a new conflict.

But this still isn't all, oh no. He's also basically an ecofascist, and is fully okay with sacrificing social justice to save the environment, completely choosing to ignore that the people he's protecting are the ones at fault and that the ppl who contribute the least are the ones experiencing the hardest ecological consequences.

He's said multiple times that he thinks both sides are equally bad, in the context of left and right in general as well as antifascism and fascism and that he doesn't "condone the oppressed defending themselves with any means necessary" bc that, too, would include violence. He's defending the "right to free speech" even when right-wingers say really disgusting shit, he disagrees with prohibiting demonstrations of ppl who think that Corona is a hoax, he has zero empathy for ppl who are affected, who suffer long-term consequences from infections, not even for ppl who die from it (he literally said "people die anyway, that doesn't justify imprisoning everyone else") and somehow still thinks he has the moral high ground.

And the last bit he did was explaining to me, from his endocisallohet white guy perspective, how I'm "not discriminated against" bc gay ppl in my country can get married (only since 2017 btw) and when I, despite the fact that I shouldn't have had to and that it was a real blow to my mental health, wrote him a message that was almost the length of an essay, he calmly started to question my replies with the detachedness of someone who's discussing whether pineapple belongs on pizza and demanding further explanation. To top it off, he said that marginalized ppl have to always reply to everyone calmly and politely, no matter if it was offensive bc the person asking might be unaware of that. Otherwise, he said, everyone would be right to stop listening to us. Like, he literally said that we don't deserve human rights if we're not licking the boots of our oppressors if that way of thinking is followed through to the end.

I almost forgot, he also thinks that white ppl should have a say in whether something is a racist slur, or whether something is racist in general (we're both white, but at least I'm trying my best to unlearn what my upbringing taught me instead of being the cliché of the white person who goes "how dare you call me racist, I've never been more insulted in my whole life!", which is basically his reaction)

So up until this last fight, I conceded some ground to him to end the fights and keep him as a "friend" not only bc I feel horrible when I imagine losing one of my only irl friends but also bc I was hoping I could get through to him and educate him, to the best of my ability, on how to be a good ally to marginalized people. But the disregard with which he treats my explanations why the way he talked (wrote) about marginalized people is absolutely not okay and the fact that he just told me that he genuinely doesn't see how he did anything wrong even after I explained it to him in detail is just too much to bear at this point.

Oh, and while looking through the chat to prove him a liar I found that apparently, to him a promise is a promise, no matter whether it was given under pressure or voluntarily, so do with that what you will.

[ladywinterwitch]

Fine Line

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You and Bucky are in a infinite loop of discussions and stress. Mission after mission, you spend little time together, and that little is disastrous. Your friends decide that enough is enough and organize a little getaway for the two of you where you and Bucky finally have that conversation.

Warnings: angsty af, Bucky is kind of an ass at the beggining (actually both of them), self-deprecating issues, FEELS, TEARS, making out session but not actual smut

Word Count: 4520

A/n: This was supposed to be a smutty one shot with a tiny plot, but then I decided that it had potential so I expanded it instead. This is the ANGST(iest ?) and full-of-feels thing I wrote so far. Also, I listened to Fine Line by Harry Styles, so I recommend listening to it (in general, bc he’s amazing). In conclusion: This is a rollercoster y’all

                                              (gif not mine)

You and Bucky had reached a point where all you did was argue and being grumpy with each other for the stupidest things, and not. The subject of the discussion could’ve been a risky mission or a dirty garment out of place in your room. And when you weren’t together, you were on missions, and when you were on missions the others had to hear you two complaining about the other and then feeling guilty about it. So they, actually Natasha and Tony thought about sending you on a mini vacation, for both yourselves and the sake of the team. 

You weren’t really sure of it, mainly because leaving you assigned missions and duties to them didn’t seem fair, but the didn’t want to hear excuses and the morning after you and Bucky were already on a flight, first class, to Hawaii. Cheesy and quite overused, but Tony liked the classics. 

At first you and Bucky had been a kinda embarassing and awkward with each other. You were so used to be split up and having discussion after discussion, that it seemed almost foreign to be silent and without anything to do. 

You arrived at the hotel, strictly a five star, and you both couldn’t wait to go hide in your suite. You didn’t like those places where you could literally smell the money circling, and you knew Bucky simply didn’t enjoy people in general. It was still a bit of a problem for him. So you decided to do all the speaking, retrieving the key and listening politely to the few but useful informations about the resort that the receptionist gave you. 

Afterwards you took your baggage to your room. No, actually, it was like a mini apartament. In a very large space were a king sized bed, a couch, an extra thin and wide tv, a big bathroom in marble, and two massive window-walls that had a quite small balcony each, a table and two chairs out. 

You put the big bag on the ground and start to explore, while Bucky puts down two suitcases and just throws himself on the bed. 

-Wow, so much for a romantic escape.- you state ironically while you come back to the baggage and start to put your stuff in the wardrobe. He grunts, face pressed on the sheets. He rolls on his back, crossing his arms under his head. 

-Wasn’t my idea.- he responded calmly. You huff out a laugh, shaking your head slightly. 

-Of course not.- you remarked, slamming the, now empty, suitcase shut. He raised an eyebrow, sitting up in a sitting position. 

-What’s that supposed to mean?- he asks with a hint of bitterness in his voice. You turn around from where you were placing both of your clothes, crossing your arms under your breasts. 

-Are you serious right now, Bucky? When’s the last time you ever did something nice for me? No, not for me, for us.- you made sure to emphasize the last words. You’ve been together for a little over a year. At first he courted you, flirted constantly, made sure to make a compliment at least once a day, often he even left little gifts or organized romantic encouters for the two of you. But in the last three months, it all started to lessen, then fade and now it was like a month since you barely could stand the other’s presence. The sex disappeared too, and it was a big thing, if you said so yourself. You used to be all over each other most of the time. 

You did suffer a lot for this, but you couldn’t find the strenght to face the situation. 

-Oh, sorry if I’d been too caught up a new mission every damn week to take you out to dinner! And you know honey, it’s not like you’ve done much on your behalf either.- he got up from the bed, facing you. The room was so big that you basically were in opposite parts of the space. 

-My poor baby. Like you were the only one who had to work his ass off every single day, out of the compoud or not. And you know why? Because you can’t even fucking be nice to people. You’re not gonna get better if you don’t even try!- you exclaimed gesticulating with your hand. He looked hurt for a split moment, then his face changed again, leaving only anger. 

-Yeah, and I bet you had a lot of time to be nice around others.- his lip darted upwards in a derisive smile. 

-What’s that supposed to mean?- You frowned, crossing your arms again in an outraged manner.

-That you haven’t been touching me in months y/n! When I tried to come close to you, avoided me!- he yelled. 

-That’s why you’ve been behaving like an asshole? Because I didn’t feel like having sex? Is that all that matters to you?- you screamed in return. He laughed bitterly for a second.

-Don’t worry, if that would be all I want I would’ve found another solution.- another solution. Which actually meant ‘I could find whoever I want because I don’t need you’. You took a step back, almost like someone pushed you. You swallowed slightly, not wanting to show how much that actually hurted you. 

-Well, then I guess that’s what you should do.- his expression was a mixture of surprise, regret and sadness. -I’m going home.- you annouce, getting out of the room’s door. You don’t look back at him. 

-

You go down the stairs to the reception and straight to the receptionist to whom you talked before. He was a little surprised to see you come back so soon.

-Miss y/l/n. Is everything alright?- he asks. You have to swallow to not throw up because in fact the last thing you were was ‘fine’. 

-Yes.- you respond in a breath, -But unfortunately I had a family problem so I was wondering if you could book me a flight for New York, please? The first available.- he shook his head, starting to type of the computer.

-I’m really sorry to hear about your family, miss. But unfortunately the weather won’t be the best to fly in the next two days. Actually, a really strong wind and a rainstorm are expected to come already tonight. I’m checking just to be sure, but..-his eyes travelled on the screen in front of him while he talked. 

-No, miss, I’m afraid that today and tomorrow’s flights are being cancelled.- he responded mortified. You huffed heavily, a hand in your hair, your elbow placed on the marble counter.

That was just lucky, wasn’t it? You cursed Thor, just to be sure. 

-It’s okay. It’s not your fault, thanks anyway.- you forced out a smile, walking away.

-

Bucky had a bad habit. Which was his impulsiveness, his almost automatic respose to whatever could potentially hurt him, to hurt it back. That was a consequence of all the years he had to endure under Hydra’s control, the pain, the torture, the control. But unfortunately that affected his everyday life. Sometimes he says things that he doesn’t mean, but that are specifically intended to hurt people, that’s  an autodefense mechanism that he can’t really control, that’s why he hates it. So much. It makes him feel like when he was the winter soldier all over again, controlled, caged. 

He knew that he screwed up the moment he said those words. He couldn’t imagine what must’ve been like for you to hear that phrase coming from the person that you loved. Rejection, mockery even. He was feeling like shit. 

He was so shocked at your last words that he didn’t move from his spot near the bed for a few minutes, his mind screaming accusations and awful things to himself for what he did. 

As soon as he came to himself again he exited the room and started to look for you. He looked in the hall, the restaurant, the open bar, the outer pool, the inner pool. Nothing. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind. Did you really went home without him and your stuff? Did you go away by car? Were you at the airport already? 

He was starting to panic, not because he was worried about your wellbeing. Hell, you were one of the most indipendent and most prepared spies he’d ever met. What he couldn’t take anymore was the guilt. He had the necessity to tell you he was sorry, that he didn’t mean what he said, that not in a million worlds he would choose someone else. 

He was in the middle of the lobby near the exit for the pool, when all of a sudden people started to run back inside. He frowned and glanced out the window wall, finding out that it had just started to rain profusely. Well, at least now he knew that you weren’t in the gigantic garden, nor at the beach. 

He gave up and tried to ask to the reception. He walked near the counter, to the man that gave you instructions earlier that morning. He would’ve remembered your face. He cleared his throat, terribly awkward.

-Uhm. Hello, I wanted to ask if you saw my girlfriend in the last hour?- he cringed for how his voice must’ve sounded like. The man smiled politely and nodded.

-Actually yes, mr. She was here about thirty minutes ago. She asked if she could book a flight, but unfortunately I had to inform her that the Maui airprt is closed due to risky weather.- he felt a knot in his stomach. She was really going to leave him. He swallowed, nodding on his own. 

-I see. Thankyou.- Bucky walked away, towards the elevators. He couldn’t blame you for wanting to leave him. He was fucked up form head to toe. His mind...his body. He knew damn well he didn’t deserve you. 

He decided to return to your room, not really knowing what to do. Now he was sure that you couldn’t have left with an airplane, so you must’ve been hiding somewhere. So he sat on the couch, waiting.

-

You wanted to say that you needed a distraction. Because that’s actually true. But all you did instead was to go to the bar, order the strongest drink on the menu and swallow three of them one right after the other. The bartender gave you a side eye, probably thinking that your behaviour didn’t really match your long feminine floral sundress, but you couldn’t care less. Tired of feeling watched by every single one of this rich douches, you decided to get up and go to the roof terrace. You had learned to have a quite high alchol resistance, so if it weren’t for the light dizziness you could’ve almost forgot about the drinks. 

You took the elevator and pushed the button to the last floor, exiting less than a minute later. The sky was not the best, quite grey and with just the tiniest bit of sun that gives the courage to people to step into the water. Just a few people were there, and mostly by themselves reading something or chatting quietly. You spotted an empty couch under one of the gazebos, just next to a beautifully bloomed appletree. You let you yourself fall onto the soft cushions and without even realizing it, you fell asleep. 

-

-Miss.- a female voice called, waking you up -Miss, I’m sorry to disturb you, but it’s raining and a storm is coming, you have to go inside.- it was a young girl, her white suit and tag name telling you that she’s a hotel employee. You blink a few time waking yourself up completely. 

-Yes, thankyou.- she nods and goes running towards the elevator, an umbrella on her hand. You get up from the couch, thanking whoever God above that you had just the tiniest pain in your head, and not a full-on drunk headache. It was probably thanks to the sleep. How much did I sleep? you wonder while you walk quickly to the elvator, the pouring rain getting your whole body wet. 

Finally the doors opened and you pushed the button to your room’s floor, getting out just a few moments later. You started to shiver slightly. You were soaked from head to toe, wearing just your underwear and a very light sundress, and the hotel had a way too high air conditioning.

-Fucking amazing, a pneumonia would really be the cherry on top, wouldn’t it?- you mutter to yourself pulling out the room’s card, opening the door. 

You entered and saw that Bucky was sitting on the chair near the little round table that was placed in a corner of the room. He was sleeping with his arms crossed, his head bending forward. You sighed tiredly, closing the door behind you, trying not to make noise. Then you took off your nikes, placing them under the long radiator in the bathroom. 

You came back into the bedroom to take dry clothes, but you stopped, looking to the man asleep. You huffed softly, walking to him. You leaned forward raising a hand and placing it on his cheek, his stubble tickling your palm. 

-Buck.- you called quietly enough to not startle him awake. - Wake up, your neck will hurt like hell later.- his chest grumbled softly and then his eyes opened wide for a second. Your hand had dropped before he did, and you were back on your way to the wardrobe. 

-Y/n, baby, I searched for you earlier.. W-why are you completely wet?- he stood up quickly, the sleep gone as soon as he saw her. He groaned, reaching to touch the back of his neck to massage it. 

-Look for yourself.- you answered, closing the bathroom’s door behind you. You felt almost sick. You were feeling both the urge to slap him and kiss him at once. He searched for you? He called you baby, after what he said? Did he mean it? Knowing him probably not, but that shit hurted anyway. You tried to sent those thoughts away, at least to try and relax for some time in the bathtub that was filling itsef with boiling water. You stripped naked, tossing the drenched dress, bra and panties to the side. 

You stepped into the tub and lowered yourself in the hot water, letting out a satisfied moan. 

-

Bucky had waited for you for hours. Walking up and down the room, moving from the bed, to the couch, to the chair. He didnt’t even know how or when did he fall asleep. 

And now he was again waiting. In the meantime he decided to change himself with more comfortable and warm clothes. He put on some dark grey sweatpants, a sleeveless white tee and above it a burgundy hoodie. 

He closed the curtains, tidied up the remaining clothes in the wardrobe and the drawers, closed the empy suitcases and put them in a corner of the room. He looked around, trying to find something, anything else to do to keep him occupied while he waited. Then it hit him. He took the phone receiver and digited the number for the room service. He shoot a quick look at the alarm on the night stand: 6.30 pm. They hadn’t eated anything since they arrived at 10 am. 

The phone rang twice and then a woman picked up.

-Room service, good afternoon.- he cleared his throat.

-Yeah, good..afternoon. I wanted to order dinner if that’s possible?- he didn’t know why it was so hard for him to just be normal, for God’s sake. 

-Absolutely, sir. The menu is in the top drawer.- he froze for a second, realizing that he didn’t even took a look. He opened the drawer and picked up the plastic wrapped paper. He read quickly through it then ordered a few things just to be sure. And because he was hungry as fuck and he eated for three. Tony paid, so it was fine. The lady asked for the room’s number and then said that the food would’ve been up in thirty minutes maximum. He thanked her and hang up.

Just a few seconds later the hair blower noise stopped and you stepped out of the bathroom. You had put on a pair of black leggings and an oversized sweatshirt that was actually his. His heart clenched a bit at that. 

-Hey.- he croacked out. He was so nervous. And the fact that she looked so beautiful, her hair loose, shiny and so soft-looking, her cheeks flushed pink for the heat, her plump lips pouting slightly, didn’t help his heart rate.

-Hey.- you responded softly, starting to rub your arms up and down. Not for the cold, obviously, but in a nervous manner. He munched on his lower lip before sitting back on the edge of the bed.

-Can we talk? Calmly this time.- he questioned. She nodded, joining him but still sitting a little distant. There was a moment of silence that Bucky broke.

-Okay, please, I..I need to- he struggled to talk, and it hurted you phisically to see him like that. The only other situations where you saw him this nervous about something were after his nightmares. 

You got closer and took his face in your hands, making him look at you.

-Bucky. Honey, it’s okay. Deep breaths. Yeah, like that, in and out.- your voice reassuring, but it shocked you when he stood up, taking a few steps back from you. Your mouth agape and your troath was starting to burn slightly. 

-No, no, y/n. It’s not okay.- he huffed out -I said things today...that I didn’t mean. It’s not true that I would go and find someone else, not only because I’m a fucking disaster with people but also because I would never, ever, in a million years replace you. In any way, with anyone. You know why?- he sniffed licking his lips to try not to cry. You weren’t in a much better situation, but you understood that he needed to let it out, so you remained still to listen.

-Because I love you, y/n. I love your wonderful smile, your bright eyes, your peachy scented hair, your skin, that has been through battles but remains soft nonetheless. Just like you. Yeah, because you may be one of the most badass women I’ve ever met, a perfect spy, a master in your job...but you also manage to stay human, true to yourself and in what you believe in. You are my sun and stars. Often the only thing that keeps me from going mad.- he lowered his head, breathing heavily -So, no. You’re not an option. You are my first and last, and the only one I need. The only one I’ll ever choose.- a small smile appeared on your face while silent tears ran down your cheeks. 

There was a moment of silence, and when you had finally decided to got to him and tell him how much he was important for you too, he resumed talking, cutting off your actions at the start.

-You’re all those things and more. And that’s exactly why I understand your decision to leave me.- you frowned, he continued -You don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve to be with someone who’s damaged, body and soul.- the disgust that his voice expressed broke your heart. How could he think something like that? Then you realized that you knew why. You did, even if it was hard to accept that it was in part your fault. For all the times you’ve held him to you, telling him that it was not his fault, that he’s a good man, that he deserves to be loved....just one stupid time broke that fragile wall that you’ve come to create in your time together. 

You rose from the bed, not being able to listen anymore because it was phisically hurting you to see him suffer like that. 

-Bucky.- you called him then cleared your troath the best you could manage. He looked up at you, his cerulean eyes were shiny and now seemed almost transparent with the tears. You walked to him and circled your arms around his shoulders, pushing him flush against you. He let himself go, starting to sob while you scratched the hair at the nape of his neck lightly with your fingertips, the other hand on his upper back rubbing up and down. You bit your lip to stop your quivering lips  while you tried to talk. 

-Bucky, I’m the one who has to ask for forgiveness. I just now realize what my words must’ve meant to you. You probably felt betrayed, humiliated, wrong, and fuck I’m so, so sorry baby...so sorry.- you cried and he tried to separate himself from you, but you held him right there and he remained still, understanding. You wouldn’t have been able to finish if you looked at his face. 

-I want you to know that it’s not true, okay? What I said. You are trying, and I can see that. We all can, I promise you. You just need more time, but we will get through this together and it’ll be okay, alright? I’ll always be with you when you need me. I don’t have excuses for saying that apart from the fact that I was tired and that the last two months have been hell. For both of us. That’s why I’m not angry at you for what you said. I understand the circumstances, and that you really didn’t mean it. Bucky I know how much you love me, and I want you to know that I love you too. So goddamn much that it destroys me to see you like this. You don’t deserve this. You know all those times, after you had a nightmare, or you felt insicure about something..all those times I told you that you deserve to be loved, that you’re a good man and trying your best?- you felt him nod a little on your shoulder, and you smiled nodding on your own.

-I really thought that. And I still do. I’ll never change my mind. So, you’re the one that should be angry, not me. But remeber that I’ll always love you and nothing’s gonna take me away from you. That’s not something you have to worry about.- suddenly he backed away from your shoulder, colliding his lips with yours in a kiss. 

You both seemed to forget the detail that you were having a kinda complicated conversation, because the kiss deepened and you started by taking off his hoodie, he then he slipped your sweatshirt above your head, leaving you just with a white tank top that left little to nothing to the imagination and he groaned, attacking your neck with wet kisses and bites. You gasped and reached to push down his sweatpants, but the doorbell rang interrupting the two of you. You looked at each other and quickly tried to recompose yourselves. You tries to brush your hair with your fingers and wiped away the tears with your palms while he did the same, passing to you his hoodie that was quicker to put on. 

-Thanks.- you said while he went to open the door. A hotel emplyee had brought a cart with several covered plates of food. He widened his eys a bit when he saw the couple. 

-Room service. I believe that you called earlier, sir?- Bucky rose a hand then letting it fall quickly as a confirmation.

-Yeah, I did. Thanks very much. The drinks are in th mini bar, right?- he asked. The employee nodded.

-Exactly, sir. May I enter the room? Unfortunately I can’t leave the cart here, so I’ll have to place the plates inside.- you cleared your troath.

-Yes, sure.- you gave permission and with your spy skills you picked up your discarded sweater from the floor before he could see it. Bucky stepped aside, letting the man in. He pushed the cart inside and started to place the plates onto the coffe tabl in front of the couch. You had your arms crossed while you waited.

You moved your gaze and met Bucky’s one. He was leaning against the wall nearby, mirroring your position, and he was looking at you with the slightest smirk, a look in his eyes that made you blush. You were an adult, vaccinated, professional spy, and a man was making you blush like you were a fifteen year old girl. Unbelivable, you scolded yourself mentally. 

You had to do something to distract yourself or you would’ve probably melted on the spot, so you went near the employee and started to help him. Bucky really did the most with Tony’s credit card uh?, you thought.

-Let me help you.- the man started to say that it wasn’t necesary, but you shut him up saying that you didn’t mind.Two plats later you finished arranging everything and he wished you a good evening and dinner.

-Tony’s gonna be real happy I bet.- you chuckled and your boyfriend walked behind you, wrapping his arms around your middle, his chin resting you your shoulder.

-Can we finish our conversation? I just want to be okay with everything, that’s all.- he asked softy, calmly. You sighed and turned to face him, his arms still holding your figure.

-What you said...I won’t deny that it’s true, it hurted. Just like I hurt you. I think that was the main purpose, for how awful that sounds. We weren’t in the right state of mind to have a decent conversation, like we are now, and that’s okay. You forgave me and I forgive you. I don’t doubt that you mean it when you say all those sweet things- he nuzzled your nose with his making you smile while he mirrored your expression before going serious again -Because I trust you. With my life.  I don’t know if I deserve it, but. - you tried to intervene, but he shut you up with a quick peck on the lips. 

-Please, let me finish. The point is, I don’t want something like this to happen ever again. I don’t want to have periods where we don’t talk or when we do we tear each other apart, because then bullshit like this would exit our mouths even if we don’t mean it. I think, if you agree, that we should put this behind our backs, and instead promise each other to talk when we feel the urge to. What d’ya think?- your eyes were fond while you smile at him, your hand on his cheek, caressing his cheekbone with your thumb.

-I think that’s perfect.- a sweet kiss, then you separated from him going towards the minibar.

-Now,- he smirked watching you -How about we celebrate?- you bend down to take a bottle of, you were sure of it, very expensive red wine and turning back to him.

-I say that I want to eat that food before I eat you.- his strong hands landing on your hips to drag you flush against him, a sly smile half hidden by his teeth tugging at his bottom lip. You laughed, still holding the bottle.

-Well, then let’s eat, because I’ll need all the strenght I can get to love you properly later.- 

Hi again. This got LONG. Also, tell me if it’s shit, I promise I’ll never write something like this again in that case lol

[bitt3rsw33tsymph0ny]

1. If you had to choose, whiskey or tequila? Why?: Living in Scotland now I would have to choose whisky. Firstly, the whisky here is excellent. Secondly, whisky really sends me over the moon! I had it the other night and I don’t remember the last time I was that happy/hyperactive! I also don’t remember much... 2. While doing school work, do you take your time or do you try to get it done as quickly as possible?: With uni work it depends, I usually take my time because I won’t understand it if I go fast. Unless I have a deadline coming up, in which case it’s not my choice. 3. When did you last wear a scrunchi?: A few weeks ago. 4. If you were a writer, what would you write about most?: I think i’d probably write history books and articles. Fiction is my forte with writing but realistically if I had a job writing it would be related to research.

5. Do you sometimes yell to get your point across?: Not intentionally but sometimes when I’m riled up enough.

6. If you get a period, what symptoms do you get when you PMS?: I think my moods get affected, like I’ll be much more likely to lose my rag and cry over something insignificant. I also tend to crave things like chocolate and get hungrier easier. 7. Is there anyone at your school with a cool accent? What kind of accent is it?: Loads of people from everywhere. I have a few south african friends with nice accents, a few american friends (from the deep south), that’s a pretty interesting accent. Also my sexy Italian friend Co who I could probably listen to all day. 8. What is stressing you out most right now?: I have a 4000 word essay due in two weeks I have yet to start, so yes impending deadline stress. I also got matched for a fight in early Nov, so that’s quite nerve-wracking, my first real fight and all. I have less than three weeks to lose 5 kilos and get trained up for my fight. ARGHHHHHHHH. 9. Are you more smart and thoughtful or understanding and kind?: I’m not sure, I guess the latter? People would call me understanding/kind more than smart/thoughtful, though I like to think I try to be all those things. 10. Who last asked you for a favor? What was it?: My friend asked me to call a cab to the club last night 11. If you had to decide, what do you think people envy about you?: My white girl privilege. My upbringing in Greece and the fact i’m relatively well-off. my looks I guess? And my toughness. People are definitely jealous I can kick some ass. 12. If you want to get your crush’s attention, what do you do?: Fight them hahahah. No but seriously...or just talk to them? I’d make sure I look good round them. 13. How long have you been single or in a relationship for?: I have been single for a bit over two months now. 14. Are you closer to your friends or family?: My family and I are very close. 15. Do you know what you’re going to wear tomorrow?: Nope, but I should probably pull out an outfit, make sure I actually get to uni before 9 tomorrow. 16. Do you use white strips or anything else to whiten your teeth?: Nope, I would like to but effort. 17. Are there any special events coming up? What are they?: My fight on the 11th. Mid term break next week! Halloween! Eliotts b-day! Yay!   18. When it comes to strangers, how trusting are you?: Very trusting. Almost too trusting. I mean I’m not a complete idiot (most of the time) but I do believe the best in people and might have put myself in vulnerable potentially dangerous situations in the past. 19. If someone insults/makes fun of you, what do you do?: Knee em in the solar plexus. Or just laugh about it? Or poke fun back. Depends on the insult and who dished it out tbh. 20. What color do you think represents your personality?: Gold bitch. Nah I think a deep purple or maybe vibrant orange represents me. 21. Would you rather drive on a long straight highway or windy backroads?: Long straight highway, my tummy can be a bit sensitive on the windy roads. Though they do tend to be in prettier areas. 23. What is the fastest you’ve ever gone in a car?: Not sure. Over 100 miles an hour. 24. Have you ever seen someone break their bone in real life?: Yes, and I’ve seen my sisters arm snapped bendy like a banana. So disturbing. 25. If you got to choose an animal to disappear forever, what would it be? Why?: Uh, the one in the white house. <-- agreed! 26. What are the keys of your heart?: Food, good sex and laughter. 27. Are you sometimes a control freak?: Not really. Only in the kitchen. 28. If you’re online right now, do you have an away message up? What does it say?: Nope. 29. Do you know what your GPA is?: N/A 30. If you got to pick any winter sport to excel at, what would it be?: Skiing would be awesome. Or figure-skating tbh but I think i’d be better at the former. 31. Does it piss you off when people interrupt you? My flatmate constantly rages about this with me but I swear it’s just a cultural thing. Greeks interrupt each other, and try to talk over each other. Not to dominate the conversation, but just bc that’s how conversations go.

32. What event did you last dress up for? Who went to that event? 
 Last night. My friends 21st. A bunch of my old flatmates and first year friends.

33. What was the last picture you took with your phone? It’s a selfie. Sorry... i am merely a product of my generation

34. Are you a fashion-conscious person? Where do you buy most of your clothes? I would say so. I love having a unique style and I love expressing myself with my clothing! Most of my clothes are second-hand from my aunt, but I get a lot of stuff from random charity shops, or if i’m buying zara/hnm. 35. Do you have trouble waking up in the morning? What gets you up and awake? Oh man. Such trouble. If I have somewhere to be it’s easy for me to wake up, but if not - it’s impossible. Sometimes my flatmate comes into my room in the morning and brings me coffee to bed.

36. What’s something fun you’ve done this week? Who was there? 
 So on friday I went on the most fun date. It started in nandos, where we ordered two giant platters of chicken, then we went to a graveyard under stirling castle and smoked a joint on top of this hill. Then we walked home and on the way home, passed a park by my house which has giant swings, climbing frames and a zipline. We climbed up on top of the climbing frame and lay in a swinging basket. Smoked another joint. And THEN we went home and I had the best sex of my life, hands down. He is someone new I have only just gotten to know, a fresher from the MT club. But suffice to say it was the most fun I’ve had all week, and not just because we didn’t run out of things to say the whole night.

37. What’s the last thing you texted someone about? I cancelled a churro date with my friend because I need to study. I know, kill joy I am.

38. When and why did you last blush? 
 I think I said something stupid, that’s usually the reason anywho.

39. Do you currently have a favorite song? What is it? 
 Mazzy star - Halah, though it’s depressing af and just reminds me of Jiggles

40. What is one thing you and your best friend have in common physically? 
 We both have hazel eyes.

41. Now based on your interests, what is one thing you both have in common? We are both into the same kind of politics, interested in social/anthropological perspectives, those criticising grand narratives, such as white ex-colonial perspectives 

42. What, if anything, is hanging on your refrigerator? 
 Nada.

43. What is the last illegal thing you did, even the smallest crime? I was cycling in the dark without lights and got stopped by a police car when I crossed a road without stopping. But it was 3 in the morning and I was cycling home drunk after a night out, gimme a break.

44. How much did each individual thing you’re wearing cost? not much.

45. Is that the normal amount you spend on clothes? meh I don’t spend much on clothes.

46. Do you collect anything? Have you ever? I collect post cards from places I’ve travelled.

47. What languages do you speak? 
 English and Greek. and a wee bit of french.

50. Where do your grandparents live? My grandma lives in bridgend, wales and the other two in pelasgia, greece.

51. When is the next time you’re going on vacation? Where to? Nowhere, fourth year fun yay yay yay! I’m going to Greece actually for christmas. And I’m hoping to go somewhere in Europe in the next couple months if I find cheap flights away. I’d love to go to copenhagen or prague.

52. How well do you do in school? How are your grades compared to your siblings? I do okay, averaging on a 2:1 at the moment. My sister is an a star little kid, so she tends to do very well. 53. Does your family eat dinner together? Who does the cooking? 
 Yes quite a lot. My dad usually cooks, although my mum does too. They share the burden.

54. Are you usually motivated to work or are you a procrastinator?
 P-R-O-C-R-A-S-T-I-N-A-T-O-R.

55. Has the last month been really stressful for you? No it’s been pretty fun and chilled tbh.

56. What do you base first impressions on? (Behavior, clothing, etc.)
 Mostly the kinds of things they like to talk about, the way they interact with others (socially), how polite/friendly they are.

57. Who do you know that is a vegetarian? How about a vegan? 
 I know loads of veggies. My sister has been one for 2 years now. I also know a lot of vegans, friends from uni mostly.

58. When is the last time you went out to dinner with a friend? Where did you go? Who paid?
 Said date on friday, it was kind of meant to be a friendly thing. Nandos, he paid. 59. What was the last thing to surprise you?  Niko sent me a snapchat, very random.