#also some just sorta personal grievances - like - he just comes off as someone with a huge ego -

[spinspoon]

anyway in light of booblr (i don't actually know what it's called on tumblr be nice to me please /lh) going crazy over That Theory (i know. im. yeah.) but here is a list of not so great and/or out of pocket things he's said/done/etc

[a-crimson-lion]

The Past Is Present (In All The Wrong Ways…)

So I saw that @elflynns-horde-of-stuff wanted to talk about BNHA 319, and I was going to send her and ask, but then I let my thoughts go on too long, so… everyone gets this gigantic brain dump. Enjoy :D

[Fair warning: no immediate Bakubashing, but it does come in later. I’m not joking, if you don’t like that, AVOID it. Please. Thank you.]

Now there’s a LOT to unpack with this chapter, and I might not be able to put all of it in words, so let me try and boil it down to what I believe is the core issue:

People are recognizing Midoriya’s bulls*** without recognizing Bakugo’s bulls***.

[TL;DR at the very end, just so you know.]

Which, let me be clear, is completely fair. I like Midoriya as a character, he’s obviously one of my favorites, but hoo BOY am I sick and tired of the s*** he has to go through and the s*** he’s pulling! I understand he’s going through a lot of stress right now and he doesn’t want anyone else to get hurt, but from a completely professional standpoint, that is LITERALLY THE JOB. His other friends are literally HEROES (in training) that have also been through their fair share of UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONAL BULLS*** BECAUSE OF SHONEN LOGIC, so realistically trying to protect them, while noble, does kinda come off as insulting. And I get the whole savior complex thing, because the whole “its my responsibility, let me handle it” isn’t entirely irrational on its own.

The previous holders of OFA more or less signed up for the responsibility.

Nana Shimura signed up for the responsibility, not her family.

Toshinori Yagi signed up for the responsibility, not his friends and (found) family.

Izuku Midoriya signed up for the responsibility, not his mom, not his friends.

...except AFO isn’t just targeting OFA, though that is a big priority on his to-do list.

Except AFO, as a villain, isn’t just OFA’s responsibility.

Except even if innocent people can’t and shouldn’t be brought in the crossfire, Midoriya’s friends aren’t civilians. A good bulk of Midoriya’s allies aren’t civilians. They’re heroes. They signed up for this. Maybe not taking on an ancient evil like AFO, but hey, most villains nowadays AREN’T a part of the standard deal.

The thing about a savior complex is that you often have a blindside.

And from a more personal perspective, I’m not a big fan of the whole “protagonist repeats history” kinda deal, especially with the way BNHA framed itself as a sort of “next-gen” shonen which was supposed to be kinda sorta different. And the thing is, we already have several examples of the same story with the previous OFA holders, especially Nana and Toshinori, which we’ve seen in glimpses on several occasions.

Internally, it does make sense for Midoriya to be repeating the mistakes of his predecessors. Personally, I think it would make more sense if Midoriya’s inferiority complex manifested in a different way (and maybe show us the dangers of that heroic isolation through Nana and Toshinori in more fleshed out flashbacks so that part doesn’t get completely left out). But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

Now, with all my grievances of Midoriya settled… Bakugo.

Before I go to deep into AntiBaku mode, let me just say right now: I kinda get what he was going for.

He’s not being an arrogant loudmouth like usual because he’s letting his ego talk; he’s doing it because that’s what’s familiar to him AND to Midoriya. Midoriya is used to Bakugo when he acts like that, he hasn’t shown any serious signs of not being receptive to Bakugo when he’s like that (at least not recently), so Bakugo uses that in the hopes that maybe that familiarity will get Midoriya to stop and think. It’s worked before, right?

And in all fairness, maybe those insults are trying to get to Midoriya, too. He’s not thinking of OFA as some grand blessing, he’s not trying to be another All Might (the manga went as far to show us how much Izuku does NOT look like a traditional hero right now), so maybe Midoriya will stop and try to reason with his friends, and maybe come to reason with himself as well.

...or he’ll think Baku is full of s*** trying to set him off and just keep moving along, both out of annoyance and thinking Bakugo doesn’t really understand.

(This is where trying to understand Bakugo ends by the way.)

Because all of the above is assuming that Bakugo is approaching normal circumstances. Which he’s not.

Midoriya is tired, both mentally and physically. Midoriya has a very, VERY bad person trying to cut him off from everything, and everyone, and it’s working. Midoriya is under the impression that if he doesn’t keep moving, if he doesn’t try to fix this mess that HE signed up for, people that don’t deserve to get hurt are going to get hurt.

All Might is one of those people. His friends and classmates are some of those people. BAKUGO is one of those people.

And right now, all Bakugo is doing is getting in close proximity, doing what he usually does. He’s not changing his approach to throw Midoriya off, because he’s not that kinda person. He’s trying to talk Izuku down because that is his usual approach, and it’s worked before. Even if Midoriya ultimately contradicted his words, he’s always at least acknowledged Bakugo and what he’s had to say. So Bakugo’s trying to get him to realize how it looks from his perspective: Midoriya is getting a big head, he’s not ready for this responsibility, he’s not supposed to be this way.

...but that’s not what Midoriya’s hearing.

Right now, if I had to guess, the only thing Midoriya is processing right now is that he’s not enough. All Bakugo’s taunts are doing is inflaming his inferiority complex, reminding him that he’s not doing enough. He’s not a “Majesty… successor of One For All” because he’s NOT focusing on the clout, and from Midoriya’s perspective, he’s been doing a s*** job of helping people after the Nagant fiasco and with tracking down AFO and Shigaraki in general. He’s not an “All Might wannabe” because All Might can’t help right now, and even if he could, he’d be doing a lot better in Izuku’s eyes, because even if Toshinori Yagi was human, painfully so, All Might was always, ALWAYS, the #1 Hero for a reason.

...and how can Midoriya live up to that? What has he done to live up to that, to live up to ANYTHING, really?

Midoriya isn’t focusing on how much he’s done. He’s focusing on how much he hasn’t done.

“I can still move…” ...becuase I haven’t moved enough. Because I haven’t done enough.

With that said, time to switch topics: Bakugo’s understanding of the situation, while more extensive than anyone else, is also limited in its own right. I have problems with him claiming he knows All Might and Midoriya better than anyone else because of the sequence of events leading up to that are, realistically speaking (shocking, I know), completely contrived (aftermath of the Battle Trial, DvK2, subsequent invitation to secret OFA meetings). But that’s also because really, there’s a lack of complete awareness on Bakugo’s part, which isn’t expected, but still important.

Neither Bakugo nor Midoriya (nor the readers/viewers, really) know the full extent of All Might’s history as Toshinori Yagi. Midoriya probably knows a lot more of it than Bakugo does from a purely personal perspective, but that’s still not much, so Bakugo’s claim of knowing All Might is kinda :/ Then what about Izuku? Well…

Bakugo is willing to acknowledge that he bullied Midoriya. Bakugo is willing to acknowledge that Midoriya’s sense of self-worth is non-existent. But has Bakugo ever really acknowledged the impact he personally had on the latter?

Bakugo has been willing to see that the way he treated Midoriya was unjust, I won’t deny that. But as of now, we have yet to see Bakugo properly, explicitly realize that HE is the major contributor to Midoriya’s lack of self-worth. As far as Bakugo’s concerned, this is just another thing that Midoriya’s been doing since he was a kid. Except the fact that it’s not. Midoriya’s selflessness was always there.

...his lack of self-preservation came later.

And that’s the crux of the issue, really (finally, no more babbling): Bakugo is trying to tell Midoriya that he isn’t enough, but Midoriya is used to that. He grew up with it, heard it on repeat, internalized it. Not just from Bakugo, even if he was at some point a major contributor. And that’s Midoriya’s driving force: he’s not enough, he needs to do more, he can’t stop. There’s logic in Bakugo’s approach, but first off, it’s f***ing stupid logic, and second, logic doesn’t translate well to emotion. Even if Bakugo is doing what he’s doing with Izuku’s well-being in mind, he’s completely missing the point and kinda coming off as a dick, both externally and from a meta standpoint.

Izuku Midoriya doesn’t need Katsuki Bakugo trying to talk him down. He’s used to that.

Izuku Midoriya needs someone to tell him he’s done enough, plain and simple. No backhanded compliments, no workaround taunts. He needs someone like All Might- no, someone like Toshinori Yagi. He needs someone who is willing to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that he is enough, that he’s done enough.

More than enough people have already acknowledged Katsuki Bakugo.

Not enough people have truly acknowledged Izuku Midoriya.

TL;DR: Midoriya needs help, but the way Bakugo is going about it could actually backfire and feels shortsighted.

-Crimson Lion (9 July 2021)

[bigskydreaming]

I love an absolutely unreasonable amount of things about Robin: Year One for something written by Chuck Dixon (and have decided to just go with the conclusion that well, even broken clocks are right twice a day, it is what it is).

But one of my favorite aspects about it is the little throwaway detail that Talia was the one ultimately behind Shrike’s little assassin finishing school for street kids, and my ensuing headcanon that this is the REAL source of conflict between her and Dick, assuming Dick also found out about her role at some point later on.

For Dick, its that like, wow, Vengeance Academy was reeeeeeeally not fun for me, thanks T, but also there’s the unsettling awareness that given where he was emotionally and mentally at the time, it came far closer to swaying his mindset to its way of thinking than he cares to admit. With this translating into his eternal grudge match against Talia. 

Its 50% personal (he’s like hello, I was freaking TEN okay, I was kidnapped off the streets after running away and forcibly drafted into bootcamp for tween murderers-in-training, hi, yes, I would like to file a grievance complaint, why is that surprising) and 50% ideological in the sense that even all the way back then, it wasn’t like he was oblivious to the appeal Talia and the school’s way of thinking held, and the vehemence of his pushback against it and everything it represents and everyone involved in it is more than a little bit a forceful point to reject it in defiance of that very same appeal.

For Talia, its that she thinks Dick is an idiot and its a bit about wounded pride, for pretty much those exact same reasons. Talia is not her father, and is more than willing to approach things very differently than he does. Every operation she’s in charge of or AU where she runs the League, the result is a very different creature than what results of Ra’s being in charge. But despite those differences, it is important to note that Talia DOES in and of herself still believe most of the same ideology the League adopts and teaches in turn. She stays not because she HAS to but because she believes in its end goals, in its methodology. Their way of thinking is not without merit, in her eyes, and much of her worldview in terms of how she views power and what one does with it if one has it....she’s not just PRETENDING to think that way to play nice with the League.

Its what frustrates her so much about Bruce - that he can’t see the merits of her approaches, her own ideology, that he refuses to consider that there might be something to her way of things. Or more accurately, its not that he refuses to consider it, its that he DID consider it when he was younger, and discarded it as something not for him, a notion he rejected with deliberation. But as much as this is frustrating to Talia as it so often is what comes between them, she respects it because she respects HIM. She doesn’t like that he won’t bend on this subject, but she can’t precisely say she DISLIKES it either, because someone who could be made to give up his own ideals and accept hers simply because she wanted them to is not someone who would have ever captivated her interest as long as Bruce has.

But that rejection of her own worldview and methods is one thing to see coming from someone you respect and even admire for the steel of their own convictions, a peer, a rival....and another thing entirely to see coming from a ten year old brat that in Talia’s eyes, she was actually trying to HELP, in her own way, by taking this clearly vulnerable and unprotected child (given that there was no one to STOP Shrike from taking him off the streets) and giving him the tools he would need to not only survive in this world but even thrive. She, by way of Shrike, took a kid she saw as likely to just be swallowed whole by the streets and forgotten, and was trying to give him a way to make a difference, live a life of significance, from her POV....and Dick essentially spit on that and said no thanks and also fuck you.

From Bruce, she’ll take that, because she feels he’s earned that right of forceful defiance by way of the long, arduous journey he voluntarily took to become the man he is with intent.....a journey she’s been witness to more than a small part of. From Dick though, there was no way she was EVER going to see his rejection of what she and her perspective had to offer him as anything less than a slight she would not tolerate.....because she wasn’t about to view a ten year old as her peer, as an acknowledged rival the way she does Bruce.

So its that thing where you refuse to accept that a kid might have a point for thinking or wanting what he wants, because you’re the adult and you know better dammit, you have life experience and he still has baby teeth. Ungrateful, know-nothing little brat.

And the thing is, both Dick and Talia are just so freaking STUBBORN that they’ve refused to ever loosen the reins on their particular view of each other, cast eternally in amber from the second they were each respectively made aware of the other’s role or presence in that long ago aborted experiment known as Vengeance Academy.

They still view each other through that same lens, and likely always will, because its just a grudge match for the ages now, they’re each completely certain they were RIGHT to do what they did and feel what they felt about it, and they’re not budging on that. And nothing else about the other or how the other has changed or what they’ve become since that time, even though its been over fifteen years in comic book time since that happened, like....nothing else about the other, no new information or perspective on the other is even filtering through or getting past that initial formed response....because they’re not ALLOWING it to. 

They’re both like.....yeah whatever, that’s cool and all, whenever the other does something new that contrasts with their view of them and the expectations they hold for how they’re likely to act at any given time based entirely on those events of fifteen years ago.....

But its in a distracted, offhanded sorta way like they’re not even paying attention to whatever that new action or behavior was, its not even really REGISTERING with them.....because they’re both just like, look, before we pay any attention to literally anything the other has done or accomplished in the last fifteen years, first we gotta settle up on this little matter of Vengeance Academy and the fact that I was RIGHT, and we’re not going ANYWHERE until they fucking admit it.

Bruce: Don’t you two think that maybe, just MAYBE, its time to let that go and perhaps form a new opinion of each other based on, oh, I don’t know....the present day?

Dick and Talia, still deadlocked in a glare: STAY OUT OF THIS BRUCE.

[notwxrriors]

You wanna break down “let me down easy” verse by verse like you talked about? Cause I wanna read it

yeAH i do actually, thank u !!!! im pumped!!!!

this song is a bit over 5 minutes long and it is SO GOOD, holy FUCK, here’s the link to it if u wanna listen to it bc i meAN IT

i really love this song for awtto. i think it captures a lot of their relationship, the feelings of being young and a little outcasted but finding someone who understands you, even if things are a bit strange. anyway. let’s get into it

the way i’m analysing this song is Not what the song is written about, obviously, but music is meant to have many meanings and i love the meanings this song can have.

“You want someone to want you for who you are I want someone to try, then let me down easy, easy tonight Easy, easy tonight“

the first line is so otto @ awsten,,, it feels really tongue-in-cheek, about how aws always wants to be Different. i sorta feel like the song goes through the years that they know each other, so it’d start at the very beginning, with scene aws and them starting to get to become familiar with one another, start having deeper conversations, esp about romantic stuff. to “want someone to try, then let me down easy” is kinda like...otto just accepting that this isn’t going to last. it’s a one night thing, and that’s okay.

“Honey, it’s no secret that with matters of the heart I’m reserved, I’m irrational and rarely ever start But since the world’s dark and often inhumane Relish our condition, come drinking in the rain”

THOSE FIRST TWO LINES...SO otto. the awkwardness he has, especially with awsten, he just...doesn’t try. but the next two are a bit more optimistic, maybe a bit of aws rubbing off on him

“‘Cause you remember when, after Paris We all decided the best way to fight it was Drink wine, dance here and pray And make love that lasts with a vengeance”

i don’t think paris is a particular thing here, it’s sorta more the concept of traveling together, getting into messes, falling in love and trying to not fall in love. also they fuck, so,

“So you can join the cowards all aboard the outrage train You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave And scratch the little itch 'til you’re moving like a motherfucker Up in this bitch”

i love this verse. the subtle aggression in it, the being done with being closeted/secret in this situation. otto trying to get awsten out of whatever shell he’s put himself in, telling him he can stay scared or get over it

“You wanted to fight for a cause Then go out and fall in love Don’t stop, don’t stop believing In truth and grace in the grievance”

another sorta jab at awsten tbh, wanting to fight for a cause and all that. teenage rebellion. but isn’t the biggest rebellion, in conservative ass texas, loving another man openly? freely? truth and grace in the grievance is a lil self-explanatory in this context, just keep believing in whatever cause you’re fighting for even if it’s hard

“So look at me and tell me what I already know That I trialled and I failed and it’s good to let it go Sometimes life sucks, everything is lame Not everything’s as easy as making lemonade”

i loVE these first two lines. it’s like “yeah, you screwed up, but that’s okay. just keep moving on”, that’s a very awsten headspace and he’d love to remind otto that he’s not just his mistakes. the next two lines are jus cute

“And so dismembering our state of balance With lust requited, a gaze undivided With a cool mind and warmth in your face A good heart, a grace under pressure”

this is. so gorgeous. just commentary on awsten, really. “warmth in your face” is so Cute considering how rosy aws always is, and a good heart and grace under pressure (see: chorus)

“You give me a good reason to be heartsick again To be here, to be strong, to be oddly and boldly estranged From the loss and bitter years I found myself descending into tedium and fear”

maybe my favorite verse in this whole fuckin song?? in this context, awsten giving him a reason to be strong and bold, to be heartsick again. to love him. from the “loss and bitter years” of being younger, of guilt and shame around sexuality, and awsten just...helps him come to terms to it, even if it hurts sometimes, even if they dont ever actually date

“If it’s late, you’re drunk and wanting A reason, some reason to live I always, I always say Just put on some Whitesnake”

aws and otto both don’t drink, so the alcohol refs in this song are sorta moot, but i think by here we’ve moved into more recent times with them (and honestly this falls in well w the c**r* thing, like this verse takes place right after theyve broken up). awsten’s...worse, honestly, mental-health wise, but otto’s always his comfort person. he calls otto when they’re not together, and they stay on the phone long into the night, sometimes without even talking, just soft music playing from one of their ends

“Honey, it’s no secret that I’ve been losing my way In the weirdest of moments and the stupidest of ways But hey, I’m still young and it’s gonna be okay I got solipsism, baby, and I brought lemonade”

and hell, maybe otto isn’t doing too well, either. it comes in different ways than awsten’s. and the third line is so sweet, that optimism that wasn’t there at the beginning is now present and he’s using it to help aws this time instead of vise versa.

“I’ll surrender then, all my balance And be excited and drink to tonight It’s not a, a bad time, time spent with you There’s cool lights and songs with good lyrics”

seeing each other again in a romantic context, after a few years of awsten’s ex. awsten’s in houston, otto’s with him, and they’re alone. it’s like being barely-adults again, and otto lets down those walls he’s been building the past few years, and things settle right back into place

“We never have to talk again, whatever, up to you But since you���re putting up with me Here’s another toast just to you Let’s dance, off the beat Then mosey out together and say goodbye on the street”

the thought of awsten “putting up with” otto is sorta laughable, considering their respective personalities, but sometimes otto really does feel like that. also, them dancing together is a VERY sweet thought, and seperating at the end of the night like they’ve done many times before, feeling okay about it

“Don’t stop, don’t stop believing In truth and personal freedom I want someone to want me for who I am I want someone to try, or let me down easy, easy tonight”

the last chorus is a bit different. instead of “grace and the grievance”, we’ve developed into “personal freedom”, and thats. fuckin beautiful, honestly, with aws getting out of his last relationship and he and otto rekindling things again. and for otto, “i want someone to want me for who i am”, is a bit of a realization that maybe awsten is the only one who does. i think it’s kinda on brand though, to still feel like someone has to try with him, and that he’s going to be let down, even all these years later.

[quadratic-shipping]

Alright it’s nearly 4 am, I just finished both of the epilogues, thoughts below the cut there will be spoilers. Like. Legitimately I’m not going to be coy about the details of anything here. Much like the epilogue, my thoughts are long.

I have very mixed feelings. 

Some of it was hilarious, heartwrenching and beautiful in all the right ways, particularly literally everything involving obama. Here’s a list of things off the top of my head that were very good

-blackrom as “we wanna make eachother improve” this has been my view since the beginning of time and frankly having it finally blatantlty pointed out by “”””””canon””””””” or something with a close enough approximation to it’s world building that it can be seen as semi meaningful is epic. 

-Again. The obama stuff. idk why but i did cry when dave met obama. the obama conversations were perfect. All of them, and i love the fact that dave has obama AU’s that he discusses regularly.

-Dirk and Callie fighting over who got to affect the events in canon. specifically the sniper scene, and the battle before then. it was well done and very good action/conflict/whatever. All of that was good.

-Dirk interjecting to correct Callie about sword facts brought so much joy into my life I was almost ready to forgive the numerous things I hate about the epilogue which I will get into later

-Dirks monologue about why he needed to be stopped? primo content, very theatre of coolty, very detective pony. I know the video version of detective pony is being worked on right now but if naked-bee(person who made the vids) were to make the epilogue too that’d be frankly, the tightest since their brand seems to be bringing good dirk content to light

-challenging cherubs and gender. roxy and gender was also very tight. I liked her candy convo w/ john about it very much

-that same convo where roxy not only gets real bout gender but just completely shuts down john’s “it’s my fault” shit and says, no, it wasn’t magic, and yeah, i’m a human being who wasn’t somehow magicked into compliance? Also fuck you for thinking you can define my roxyness?” So absolutely good.

-Terezi. In general. During the whole thing she was good. Perfect actually. In the verifiable UGHness of some of this she was a beacon of light and hope, non aspect wise of course.

-It was very good at making me feel things. I would point to it and say there. That’s the puppet master that cursed my heart. Even if some of those feelings weren’t good, or were disgust and terror and misery, it was meant to be that way so. props for succeeding I guess.

-meta was good, not smart enough right now to actually give good commentary which is why this has devolved into a list but hey.

-The redemption garbage with Gamzee and the ghosts was very obviously poking fun at fandom attitudes and particularly. Gamzee stans themselves. I can appreciate that.

-Rose and Dirk talked. Dirk and Karkat, sorta? interacted?

-Davekat became completely canon

-Johnrezi happened

-Hussie did actually acknowledge the economy and how the kids were reproducing capitalism again

-HOW DID I FORGET THE BEST PART DAVE BEING SO INVESTED IN THE ECONOMY oh my god the good stuff

-Vrisrezi talked about eachother.

But even though that’s all well and good. Also sort of screw the epilogue. Actually no, SCREW the epilogue. Here’s why

-First and foremost; It was boy-centric. Honestly? HONESTLY? FUCK THAT. The boys got to do most of the shit, the prose kept objectifying the ladies in this very uncomfortable way, and the boys got like. 99% of the povs. 

-Seriously every girl got fucked over in some way by the narrative it felt almost gross to read and notice how little they were getting. Scraps. 

-Literally, honestly? What the actual fuck this is one of the things Homestuck is supposed to be good at? And. IDK it kinda failed the fuck out of it. 

-Someone come up with whatever actually lord english isn’t dead so it’s his toxic masculinity still exerting itself on the story bs i dare you i fucking dare you

- the vriska and gamzee thing legit made me feel nauseous when I first read it and it is making me sick now. I would have rather she didn’t appear in the epilogue at all. I would have rather anything

-jane and gamzee. Also revolting.

-Jane and Jake. Kill me.

-Dirk just really fucking turned into Bro. God. It’s not an inherently bad thing but it’s so upsetting. He was just this concept that if you work against it you can actually stop yourself from becoming an off the rails bad person and.

-Dirk turned into an off the rails bad person. He was very good and sympathetic and his writing was great but. he just began repeating all the manipulative bs tendencies where he condescended to everyone and viewed them as less than human while being genuinely narcissistic and i guess it’s not inherently bad it leaves a gross taste in my mouth in combination with everything else

-the sheer heterosexuality of the candy timeline was a nightmare. I think it might have been intended to be but it was unsettling and upsetting.

-No. Legitimately. Every single female character was treated so badly I wanna cry Jade either got to be a Slut Who Ruins Everything because she has the audacity to ruin the otp or A Plot Device without agency, rose is reduced to a victim to be gaslit, jane just flatout becomes a villain, who everyone smart and important hatesetc etc

I’m tired so gonna stop now but rest assured I have a lot more grievances.

[feelingsdusk]

I hope things start going your way soon!! For the Drabble prompts: Steter, Soulmate AU, “Make me.” Thank you

Thank you, anon! Gosh, sorry I took forever... It's just... I drew a blank? I got 4 prompts in my inbox and my mind went blank with every and each of them. Thankfully, it passed, but it was so damn difficult to write... Anyways, I thought this was going to be a happy/funny one, but it turned out angsty but with a happy (sorta?) ending. Hope you like it?

Prompt: Soulmate AU + “Make me.”

“You must be Stiles,” Peter Hale croons faux sweetly, his scarred face entirely vacant except for his eyes, which hold a fire of insanity so bright and strong that it could burn the whole hospital to the ground in mere seconds.

Stiles shivers, horrified, and barely hears Derek shouting at him through the phone. He’s only dimly aware of the irony of that analogy, because those four words have branded the skin right above his heart since his birth. He’s waited to hear them ever since he was old enough to understand what they meant, what having a soulmate meant. At his lowest, he gained strength from them, managed to go through everything that life threw at him thanks to those four words written in a beautiful cursive that he’s never managed to replicate. Now he feels like he’s choking on thin air, the panic raising like a tidal wave that’s threatening to drown him.

Stiles shouldn’t open his mouth, shouldn’t talk to him. He shouldn’t give him the words that tie them together. “Make me,” he involuntarily snarls in challenge when Peter takes a step forward.

Peter stops immediately and his eyes shine a bright red. That red disappears when he closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath. He takes another step forward and…

…Derek, after pushing Stiles away, slams into him with a snarl.

(Afterwards, Stiles keeps his mouth shut. Doesn’t tell them that Peter is his, that he is Peter’s. That somehow, in a cosmic joke that no one will find funny, the person that changed Scott’s life irreversibly and that killed Derek’s sister is his other half, his perfect match and all those things the sappy Valentine’s commercials tend to spout.)

(He wonders what does it make him, having a soulmate like Peter, what is it that makes them a perfect match. He wonders how was he before the fire.)

—

Stiles is trembling. He’s terrified but also oh, so, so angry. Angry at life, mainly, for dealing him these shitty cards that he can do nothing with but lose.

He stands his ground, covering Lydia and providing a protective wall between her and him. His soulmate. (Stiles had never been one to lie to himself, no matter the situation. He thinks it stupid and ultimately useless and pointless.) The irony doesn’t escape him. He’s protecting his crush from his soulmate. She said a weird combination of the words in his heart once, in kindergarten. She was (is) smart, beautiful and strong. He was convinced for a long time that they were soulmates, destined to be together against all odds. He loved her for it, even though she didn’t spare him even a glance. He knows better now, but old habits die hard (he used to love her so much and he still loves her in a way), so here he is, protecting her against his own soulmate.

Stiles keeps repeating the word in his mind. Soulmate, soulmate, soulmate. Soulmate. He can’t help it, even though the word hurts horribly each and every time.

“You must be Stiles,” Peter growls but doesn’t touch him.

Stiles wants to scream. He knows life is unfair. He knows it in his own flesh! From the marks his mother left in his arms when he was seven years old to the scar in his scalp, now mostly gone and what remains hidden by hair, that the empty bottle of whisky that his dad threw at him when he was eight years old left. He knows. All those things just made him stronger, hardened his skin until it was impenetrable! Or so he thought, because now he feels… He just wants to scream.

“Make me,” he snaps angrily instead, because he thought this, he would get. No small lettering, no conditions. His soulmate. His perfect match. “Make me,” he repeats, growling it through his teeth.

(Much later, he finds himself stranded with his jeep, his keys destroyed and useless. Peter didn’t harm even a hair on his head. The skin of his wrist where Peter touched him feels warm still. Stiles said no and he listened.)

(He doesn’t know how to feel about that.)

—

His throw is flimsy at best. His heart thunders in his chest, threatening to rip it open with each beat. Nausea crawls up his throat as the Molotov cocktail soars through the air and he can’t breathe. A ring starts piercing his ears and his hands, his everything shakes.

Peter grabs it easily and Stiles finds he can breathe again, if barely. A wet and cold sensation invades him. He can’t stop trembling.

Then, out of nowhere, an arrow pierces the Molotov Cocktail and Stiles can’t even scream as Peter goes on fire.

“You must be Stiles,” Peter screams and screams. Stiles tries to run towards him, but Scott grabs him and holds him back. He forces himself to not take his eyes off his blazing figure. This is his penance, to remember in vivid detail how he helped kill his soulmate. “You must be Stiles!”

“Make me,” Stiles whispers brokenly, head in his hands and knees to the ground, when Derek kills his soulmate for good.

(Peter was hurting the people Stiles loves. Peter was crazy. Peter was killing people, justified or not. Peter was… Peter was… Peter was Stiles’. His soulmate, his perfect match. And now he’s gone and he’ll never know why.)

(Stiles can’t look at anyone as he leaves. If he does, he won’t be able to ignore the need to gauge Derek’s new red eyes, the need to slash Scott’s own throat when he whines about Derek taking his chance to be normal again. This is his fault, he knows, because he never told them about Peter being his soulmate. But somehow, he doubts it would have made any difference.)

—

Stiles feels empty. He doesn’t understand, he barely knew Peter. He only met him a handful of times and none of them were good. The feelings he associates with the man are anger, bitterness, fear, pain, and none of those are good either. So why is he so broken? Why does this feel worse than… He doesn’t understand, it’s been more than a month. He should be over losing someone he barely knew, soulmate or not. He managed just fine before meeting him, so it’s not like losing him is, well, a big loss, all things considered. He has more pressing matters to pay attention to, after all. Matters of a murderous lizard-y nature. He doesn’t have time to mourn something that he never had to begin with. It would be absurd, in any case. Pft, how can anyone mourn something that they never had? This is just the same. Absurd, stupid. Stuuuupid.

And Stiles’ not stupid, so he refuses to do it. No, no mourning for Stiles.

No.

No mourning for Stiles.

You must be Stiles.

He swallows thickly. “Make me,” he whispers.

(Lying to oneself is stupid, pointless and useless.)

(He asks Derek, just once, about how was Peter before. His head gets closely acquainted with the wall abruptly because of it. He never asks again and just finds out on his own. It’s a bad idea, it doesn’t make him feel any better.)

—

Stiles stumbles out from the Argent’s house wanting to burn it to the ground, no matter who’s still inside. It would be poetic justice, wouldn’t it? To end the story just like how it started. People like the Argents shouldn’t exist. They only bring pain and destruction wherever they go, down to their last member. Look at Allison. Obviously there’s something not quite right in their heads. Stiles can understand destroying the people that harmed your family, but this? She hasn’t even bothered finding out all the facts, she’s just lashing out at everything in her path, whether it benefits her or not. It’s just violence for the sake of violence. Stiles can’t condone that.

Stiles won’t burn the house to the ground today, but only because Erica and Boyd are still inside and, no matter the grievances he has with them, they don’t deserve to be burned alive. He may not be able to save them right now, injured and vulnerable as he is, but he can tell Derek and let him deal with it. He won’t risk his neck for them because they’re not his responsibility and he doesn’t owe them anything, but he can make sure to pass along the message.

“You must be Stiles,” a voice says from the darkness, emotionless and stilted.

Stiles’ legs tremble and then give out on him. He doesn’t even register the pain of the impact against the gravel. His heartbeat speeds up to dizzying heights and suddenly he can’t breathe. He swallows thickly and no, he’s not going to cry. It has to be a hallucination, people don’t come back from the dead. And even if they did, Peter is a psychopath and the world (Stiles’ world, his people) is better without him.

“You must be Stiles,” he insists, coming to the light, a feral and intense quality added to the words.

Peter, Peter, Peter. He was a lawyer before, and Talia Hale’s left hand. And, according to the people Stiles talked to, he was as ruthless an enforcer as an attorney. Incredibly intelligent, he graduated valedictorian in high school and in university. Wicked sense of humor some of his classmates said, asshole, said others. Not to be messed with, all of them said. Peter, Peter, Peter.

“You must be Stiles,” he repeats, advancing towards him.

Peter, who even at his worst, never hurt Stiles. Who, clearly not at his best, heard a no and backed off.

“You must be Stiles,” he whispers, now almost at touching distance, his palm up and inviting.

Peter, who had his family killed and instead of hiding like Laura or Derek did, he sought to destroy the ones responsible. That was his first thought upon waking up. Because he wasn’t able to save them, but he could avenge them. Destroy them for touching what was his.

Just like Stiles would have.

“Make me,” he answers, voice shaky, as he reaches to take the offered hand.

[wheredidtheyallcomefrom]

The Future of the Trainees (part 11)

Downpour

Hwang Minhyun (Rank 11 -> Rank 4)

Chances – I’ve sorta already discussed all the other Nu’est members and their chances of making it into the final group (they’re all making it into the Top 22) so I’m going to just repeat what I said and keep it short and sweet. Only two members can make it into the final group according to my theory. And because Jonghyun is a shoo-in and Minki is not getting screentime the battle is between Dongho and Minhyun. Dongho does get more screentime and interesting storylines but Minhyun has the image of a CEO to counter Dongho’s ‘sexy bandit’ image and is more of a pretty boy than Dongho. In the end it will all come down to who has made more one-pick fans during the show which in all honesty is probably Minhyun. I know some people see Minhyun as a shoo-in actually but I don’t because while he’s more likely to make it in than Dongho, I do think there’s a chance that only one member of Nu’est will end up getting in 0- Jonghyun.

Skills – Very well-rounded as Nu’est fans have pointed out. (I honestly think the biggest advantage Nu’est and other debuted idols have on this show is that there are other videos excepts for the episodes where you can see the trainee’s abilities and viewers are less likely to fall for evil editing because they have a chance of knowing their personalities from their other appearances). He can sing, can dance and apparently can rap.

Kim Jaehwan (Rank 16 -> Rank 7)

Chances – Ever since the first episode I‘ve been really excited to see an independent trainee succeed and get into the final line-up, to show that you don’t have to have a company behind you to be talented and have an impact. And finally, a hero has risen, I mean, Jaehwan’s popularity on the show is greatly helped by the editing which makes sure to portray Jaehwan as B.O.I’s future main vocal. It’s a deserving edit so I don’t really mind (my favorite vocalist is Seonglee but that’s a matter of taste and Jaehwan is obviously also a great vocalist). It’s such a great edit that when Jaehwan didn’t get the befit for the vocal position, Mnet made sure to edit the episode in s way that made Jaehwan the true winner. And it worked – a lot of people were confused why Jaehwan wasn’t first. Again, he completely deserves it but I’m upset that it’s does at the expense of actual winner Gunhee. In episode 6 Jaehwan finally got into the Top 11 and after this episode I’m pretty confident that he will remain there in episode 8. Hopefully, he’ll remain there until the end although I don’t consider him a shoo-in. Either way a company better sign him after the show.

Skills – We know about his singing. Let’s talk about his dancing. He was given the Juna edit at first – a great vocalist who is lacking in dance skills. But he ended up escaping that doomed path by actually remaining in B after the re-evaluation. Honestly, when I watched his re-evaluation cut I was very surprised. It was obvious that he practiced really hard to remember all the moved and get them right and throughout his dancing he looked like he was focusing so hard. And some moves reflected that – looked a little awkward as if his body was just trying to strike the right poses as opposed to dancing. But some moves looked really natural. His ‘Sorry Sorry’ practice cut was helped by the fact that his team had a worse dancer and all focus was on him. In the actual performance he looked fine but it’s not the hardest dance. However, during his solo parts when he didn’t need to dance he still made sure to make up some moves that looked pretty good. I can’t believe that after that people still think that he’s not cut out to be an idol. His dancing is lacking but he’s proven that with a lot of practice he can keep up. Honestly, the final group doesn’t need any more super strong dancers.

Yoon Jisung (Rank 3 -> Rank 13)

Chances – I feel really bad for Jisung, moreso than for anyone else on the show. Because he doesn’t even have anything to apologize for so there’s no way for him to rise in the eyes of the viewers. They votes for him because he was funny and then got mad at him because he ended up being higher than a lot of their picks. Where is the logic? Some people are mad that he got so much screentime because MMO is a subsidiary of CJ E&M. Okay, maybe that’s true, maybe CJ E&M is pulling some strings. But firstly, if that’s true, it’s the company’s fault. The trainees don’t get to decide this shit. And secondly, all of the viewers enjoyed seeing him on screen and enjoyed his commentary before he got 3rd ranking. So it’s all bullshit. It’s especially sad because you see that it had its effect on him. But he didn’t break. He’s accepted the hate and decided to shove his talent in everyone’s faces. And I appreciate that so much. It really was a blessing for Hyunbin that he was in the same group as Jisung who understands his struggles and his grievances. While all of the members obviously helped Hyunbin I think the fact that e and Jisung could relate to each other really helped Hyunbin. And overall, Jisung made a great leader, especially for someone who was suggested because Sungwoon didn’t want the position. This episode really did show Jisung in a new light allowing us to see the person behind the meme. Unfortunately, it might stop the hate but people are going to be really careful about voting for him so that he doesn’t ever step foot into the Top 11. I hope he does make it into the Top 22 though.

Skills – He’s a lot better of a vocalist than I gave him credit for. And I thought he was a good enough singer before. Now I just think that he’s pretty great. His dancing is his weak point though, I think, He was off-beat in the ‘Hard Carry’ performance a few times (maybe due to being nervous) and his ’10 out of 10’ performance was the epitome of cheese where dancing well wasn’t the focus.

Ha Sungwoon (rank 21 -> 27)

Chances – Mnet is treating the Hotshot really well this mission. While Sungwoon wasn’t the focus of his group but he got some attention during picking of the leader and the center, even though Mnet could’ve cut out both of the scenes. Sungwoon could’ve just suggested Jisung as a leader without his take on the group mission and Jaehwan was such an obvious choice for center that showing that scene only benefitted Sungwoon. So thank you, Mnet, that was very nice of you. I can only imagine how hard it was leading the ‘Boy in Luv’ team made up of very popular but young and inexperienced trainees (although his friendship with Daehwi gives me life) and I’m glad we got a glimpse of that. As for the center battle, viewers wouldn’t have accepted someone other than Jaehwan as the main vocal and I think that Sungwoon realized that when he suggested Jaehwan gets it. (Honestly, in the end the two of them had basically the same parts so I don’t even know why that was such a big deal.) In the end, Jaehwan ended up pretty low on the ranking list of vocalist but Sungwoon was almost at the end of it. And I knew people wouldn’t agree with Jaehwan’s rank so I assumed that they wouldn’t have enough energy to care about Sungwoon. But I was pleasantly surprised whwn he appeared in a lot of comments being called one of the biggest victims of the ranking. It’s nice to see that even in a group of popular trainees he was able to shine. I previously said that only one out of the Ador & Able boys can make it into the Top 22 but I might be wrong. Mnet is giving both of them attention and the viewers seem to notice? So maybe both of them get lucky.

Skills – He sounded great in his ranking performance but he disappointed me a bit in ‘Boy in Luv’ because he sounded breathless at times (not bad, I just expect more from him). It might be because he had to carry the team vocally (with the help of Daehwi) so I’m not too mad. But this time He was actually my favorite in his team. Jaehwan sounded great, I just felt that for me Sungwoon’s voice fit the song better. It’s a personal opinion that I’m sure not everyone shares but probably some people do. His dancing is also great, the Hotshot boys are really talented.

Kwon Hyunbin (Rank 23 -> Rank 33)

Chances – I’d give Mnet credit for salvaging Hyunbin’s image if they didn’t fuck it up in the first place. But it’s still better than completely ignoring him this time round although any possible rise in ranks would’ve been more likely had they shown it in the 6th episode. However, he was shown choosing ‘Downpour’ in the 6th episode while all the other trainees were freaking out. I actually really like this moment, because while it showed us that Hyunbin is behind is terms of skills which is why he would’ve been a hard teammate to have, he’s also well-liked to the point that people can joke about it. I do hope though that most viewers saw it as that as opposed to everyone just hating Hyunbin. Episode 7 was a lot more openly kind to Hyunbin showing how the mean comments broke his spirits and how he was willing to work hard to make a memorable last performance. Which it might be. He’s really close to the cut-off line and because most of his progress was shown in episode 7, I’m not sure that he hasn’t fallen fellow 35. If he does make it in this time, I don’t think he will make it next time.

Skills – I’ll get it out of the way – he’s a pretty weak dancer but he has enough skill to not stick out in a group which is all that should be expected of him at this point. His rapping doesn’t particularly impress me but it’s not terrible, I guess. But! But! His might become a good vocalist with more training. I mean his parts which weren’t very hard sounded alright, not amazing except for one note in his first part which sounded really good and maybe gave a glimpse into a future where Hyunbin’s actually a good vocalist after more training.