#also rip my performance management review tomorrow. awkward...

[helianskies]

my throat is so dry and sore but whenever i sip water as im supposed to im throwing it back up within the hour like cmonnnn i cannot let myself be dehydrated like this

[tsukuyomi-chan]

Bleeding on Beds of Flowers Chapter 4

Okay so AP Exams happened and then the end of high school happened and somehow in the midle of all that I completely forgot to update this fic but now that I remember here’s the next chapter!  And the next two will be up soon!

(Chapter 1 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 5)

Chapter 4: One by One, the Seasons Die

It hurts.

Luna grips the side of the wastebasket so hard her knuckles go white as her lungs try their best to push  the petals in her airway out and her throat burns as she watches petals and flowers fall , her stomach burns and her eyes burn and she thinks she’s crying as an entire carnation slips off her tongue, and she idly wonders if the colour is getting darker than before, that she was pretty sure the petals were a lighter red than they are now, and she faintly wonders if they’re getting stained with her blood before she coughs up another onslaught until her sides hurt so much it feels like they might cave in.

But this doesn’t begin to compare to Am’s pain for the past eight years.

She doesn’t know how much longer her body will hold out.  She doesn’t know how much longer she can keep this up.  But as long as she’s still breathing, she’s not going to be a burden.  She’s going to be someone.  She’s going to exist in other people.

Once she dies, maybe Am will remember her.

The fifth G-Quest finishes up, and Luna can feel the roots of carnations digging deep into her heart and lungs and her breathing’s always strained.  Luna sits in Enishi’s office again, and even he seems tired from all the work they’ve been dealing with.  But today wasn’t about work.  It was about the potential surgery.

Luna had looked up reviews and experiences of others with the disease online.  Some had tales of recovering after growing out of their feelings, just like how Naoki had described.  Most had described the surgery as painless and successful.  Every single one of them said the same thing: that they couldn’t remember how they had even contracted the disease in the first place afterwards.  That it was difficult readjusting to life after having a large gap in memories that spanned from a month to years, depending on the person, but they kept living on with no recollection of those missing feelings.

Luna thinks of Tokoha, fierce and strong, but also kind and understanding.  She thinks of Shion, calm and tactical but brave all the same.  She thinks of Chrono, headstrong and determined and always charging forward.  She thinks of Kumi, airy and light and cheerful.  She thinks of Naoki and Shingo, grown adults but still happy and childlike.  She thinks of Enishi, still cold and commanding even now, but brings them hot chocolate after performances for a job well done.  She thinks of Harri, her deck, the Pale Moon Circus, and how much vanguard is a part of her life now.

Luna thinks of Am, who she had first seen a video of online announcing tryouts, and immediately rushed off to audition like every other girl in the country, failed miserably, but somehow still ended up meeting the girl the next day.  She thinks of their early days, when all Luna did was fail, trip, mess up, and apologize on cycle, and every single time Am would stay calm, turn to her, tell her to make it up with actions instead of words, and make things work out.  She thinks of awkward nights reading forums and studying cards, sneaking out for quests, going to Card Capital 2 to learn how to play all so Am would be proud.  She thinks of Am’s precious mitten, so tiny and fragile, and how hard Am clung to it in hopes that nothing else would break.

She thinks of Am onstage, the only time when Am was free, and bared her heart to share with the world.

She thinks of Am laughing and grinning as they took dumb pictures together and ate cream puffs.

She thinks of Am, sitting alone in the corner of the studio, clutching her mitten and trying not to let the cold bother her.

She thinks of Am’s hug that afternoon at Dragon Empire, that Am was indeed human.

She thinks of Am’s hand, trembling and tight as it tried to hold onto any bit of warmth she could gather.

She thinks of Am’s love, poured so deeply into that mitten and into every performance they dance, evident in Am’s work ethic and Am’s happy cheers and Am’s cardfights and Am’s words.

She thinks of nights spent plucking petals off a carnation she coughed up, wondering if Am could save some love for her as well.

She thinks of a mundane life, wearing the same uniform, going to the same classrooms, having the same conversations, feeling no emotions, with nothing ever changing.  She had never felt happy, overjoyed, cheerful, sad, frustrated, tired, energetic, scared, strong, angry, determined before Am became a part of her life.  She would have never discovered how much she had inside her if she had never met Am.

She thinks of every red petal strewn and scattered across Japan, grown in her lungs off of her love for Am these past two months.  Her feelings were real, more real and tangible than anything she had ever experienced before.  That meant something, at least to her.

“Have you decided on a surgery date?”  Enishi asks, as casually as he can manage.

“Enishi-san,” Luna says.  “I’d rather die as Yumizuki Luna than live on as someone else.”

Enishi looks surprised, then averts his eyes with a guilty expression.  “I’m sorry.”  He says.  “You didn’t deserve to have it end like this.”

Luna shakes her head.  “These last two months were the best months of my life.  If Yumizuki Luna is going to die either way, I want my last moments to mean something.  I want to help Am.”

Enishi’s finger on the desk twitches, and he pushes his lips together as if troubled with the idea.  He opens his mouth, hesitates, then takes a deep breath.

“Have you ever heard of the Stride Gate?”

Luna thinks she should be mad.  She thinks anyone in their right mind would be mad.  But she doesn’t have the strength to blame Enishi or the Vanguard Association for using her, and Am was the one who chose to be used by them in the first place.  All for the sake of a perfect future, where everyone would be happy and Am would have her parents again.

“You two both have the potential to be the Peacemaker needed for triggering the Stride Gate to open.  But we’ve been powering the system so far using Chouno Am, and we haven’t tested it at all with you yet.”  Enishi said.  “It’ll take some time to readjust the system to accept your Stride Force instead.  As well, we’ve been powering it every three days, since it takes such a high toil on Chouno Am’s body.  But your current Stride Force readings have been considerably higher than hers for the past month, so we could adjust.  It all depends on the test runs however.”

He shuffled through some papers, and handed Luna a paper with an address and map printed on it.  “Come to here tomorrow night.  We can do the test run then.  It’ll be tough.”

“That’s fine.”  Luna said.

“To completely open the Stride Gate, the Peacemaker would have to give all of their Stride Force, and their life to the gate.  You will cease to exist for the sake of the perfect future.”

“I’m already dying, Enishi-san.  If I can make everyone happy in the process, that just makes everything seem so much better.”  Luna admits.

The sixth G-Quest has her participating with Am as a team instead.  She watches Am try her best to beat every single enemy in their way, and it dawns on her that Am is still trying to take on everything by herself.  She doesn’t want to be outdone, and it’s Chrono who’s waiting at the top of the tower for her.

Chrono is strong, as expected from the Generation Master.  He’s relentless, but Luna has watched him fight before, and she’s also prepared for it too.

“Chrono-san,” Luna says, striding into Mephisto.  “I finally have a goal in mind.  I finally have something I want to work towards.  I can’t afford to lose!”

“That’s good, Luna!”  Chrono says, grinning as he guards an attack.  “But I’m the same!”

She’s coughing, but she points forwards and declares her vanguard’s attack.  She coughs and coughs until flowers are falling all around her, and Enishi looks like he’s about to step in from the side but she refuses to lose.  She drive checks a triple critical trigger, and throws everything she has forwards to prove to everyone that she’s different now, stronger.

But Chrono wins in the end, and it’s frustrating, but Am pats her shoulder and comforts her all the same.

The machine is cold and it hurts.  It feels like something’s being ripped out of her, and she coughs and reels in response and carnations fill her lap as she screams but forces herself to keep breathing around the petals.  If her suffering will make Am happy, then it’s worth any pain.

A bright light fills the room, and the pain stops.  “Superb!  This is superb data!”  Luna hears the strange man in a full black coat that covers his mouth exclaim, and Enishi helps her to her feet and escorts her out of the lab room.

“Are you having second thoughts about this?”  Enishi asks once she’s seated on a bench in the white sterile hallway and can breathe again.

Luna shakes her head.  “I’m compatible, aren’t I?  Then let me power the Stride Gate.”

Enishi nods, taking a small medicine bottle out of his pocket and hands it to her.  “These pills will help you breathe a bit easier, but they’ll dull your senses.  I’m putting you on medical leave for the next month so you don’t strain or injure yourself any further, but I don’t think it will take that long.  If you want to say any goodbyes, the next few weeks are your time.  But the Stride Gate is still highly classified information.”

She remembers Am’s silent tears under the Ferris Wheel, the bitter wind biting at their warm hands, and how hard Am had been clutching her hand.  “When I was five,” Am had said.  They’re thirteen now.  Am had been waiting eight years.  Luna could wait a month.

She nods.  “For the sake of the perfect future.”  Luna says.

The G-Quests’ final tournament comes to a close with Team Try3’s brilliant victory.  Luna’s happy for Tokoha and her team, but she’s also grateful that the final tournament doesn’t have much for them to do other than introduce the teams.  Am also leaves to take a phone call, which lets Luna cough without anyone seeing.

“Chouno Am has been fighting for her parents ever since she lost them.  She joined us when she was eight, and not a single day was wasted as she studied and learned of the world in a way a child shouldn’t be capable of, but she did it anyways.”  Enishi said.  “We requested that she learn how to cardfight, and she won Vanguard tournaments.  We requested for her to earn money, and she founded the Ace Corporation.  But that was it.  Chouno Am works incredibly hard, but she is not gifted with talent.  You were gifted with incredible talent, for vanguard and your imagination, and your compatibility with Stride Force.”

Luna can feel the stems of the carnations digging into her throat, and she resists the feeling of trying to reach her hand in to try and rip them out.  She doubts she could anyways.  She takes a sip from her water bottle, nearly choking on the sensation of it drenching petals as it made its way down.

They have to go soon.  The ending ceremonies are wrapping up, and as soon as Am comes back, she has to be presentable until she gets back to her apartment so that she can rest.

“Chouno Am, while trying to balance all of her work, created the ruthless persona of Ace within herself.  She has run other companies to ruin, driven people to bankruptcy, all for the sake of the Stride Gate.  You’re familiar with Kiba Shion.  She took over the Kiba Corporation, leaving him with nothing more than a few yen.  That’s just one of hundreds.”

Luna’s hand is shaking as she holds the water bottle.  Her legs feel weak and her head feels dizzy.  She watches Chrono take the trophy from the MC awkwardly, but with a happy smile.  Tokoha held onto a large bouquet, and Shion was holding up the medals they received.  They all looked so happy.  They were all so strong, and Luna was sure they were going to have such bright futures.  It was every kid’s dream to have a bright, happy future like that.

“Chouno Am is not someone good to be in love with.  She is someone willing to sacrifice anything and everything for the purpose of her future.  While it is for a noble purpose, it also means she has no room in her life for anyone else.”

Am’s backpack was in the corner of their viewing room.  She had gotten a more solid strap for her mitten charm this time.  Luna could remember Am showing it off to her one day after rehearsal.  It was Rummy Labyrinth merchandise, light blue with dark blue butterflies and pink crescent moons on it, and Luna remembered laughing at how Am was using their own merchandise for it.  Luna wondered what they were going to do with all the Rummy Labyrinth merchandise once she was dead.

“Your feelings are proud and noble, but they are also young and premature.  Won’t you reconsider while you still have the time?”

“I’m back.” Luna hears the door open, and Am walks back in.  “Sorry it took so long, were you worried?”

Luna looks behind at Am, who has her business smile on, but obviously tired lines around her eyes, and her mouth twitches while trying to maintain it more often than usual, and all the sudden it hits her that this is probably the last time she will see Am.  She’s going on sick leave starting tomorrow to rest until the Stride Gate machine will accept her.  This Am is the last Am that she will see for the rest of her life.

Her hands freeze up, and the water bottle drops to the ground, spilling water everywhere.

“The water!”  Am says as she rushes over to the sofa where Luna’s sitting, but slows to a stop once she arrives at the sofa and gets a good look at the soaked floor.

The carnations are still all over ground in front of her, deep red against the light blue and green carpet and soaked, the water bottle rolling off to the side, and Luna can feel her heart about to burst out of her chest and blood run cold as Am sees it all.

“A, fan…” Luna stutters out, and her voice is hoarse and she wants to cough up more but she can’t in front of Am.  “A fan came by… gave a bouquet… but I accidentally dropped it and ruined it…”

“I see…” Am says, but her face is blank and her hands are shaking.

The sound of clapping is muffled by the glass, but Am’s eyes don’t leave from the sullied flowers, as if she’s hypnotized by them.  “Am,” Luna starts, and the words get tangled in flowers to the point where she chokes on it.  “Do you… like flowers?”

Am still hasn’t moved from her spot next to the sofa, and there’s a distant look in her eye that scares Luna.  She wants to say something, do something, anything to make that look go away, but her legs won’t move, her hands won’t move, her throat’s so blocked up she can’t make any sounds.

“My parents… we went to the flower shop that day.”  Am says quietly.  “I got first place in my class on a math test, and to reward me they said they were going to buy a really pretty bouquet of flowers for me, since we lived in an apartment and I couldn’t have a garden.  We all went to the shop, and I picked out this huge bouquet of carnations in white, pink, and red.  I was so excited…”  Her voice hitches, and Luna can feel her heart drop.  “I saw a bakery across the street, with pretty cakes in the window display, and I wanted one… So I ran across the street without a care.  But when my parents spotted me, they ran across the street to catch up to me… and my mom was still carrying the bouquet; she didn’t even pay for it yet cause she was so worried about me… and then the truck came… and…”

Luna lets out a choking gasp, a pathetic attempt in trying to breathe and clear her mind, and Am is moving again, kneeling on the sofa in front of her with her thumb rubbing gently at Luna’s cheek.  “L-Luna, there’s no need for you to cry about it, it happened years ago.”  Another choked sob escapes her throat anyways, and Luna tries to hide her teary face in her arms.  Am’s hand strokes through her hair as her other hand tries to move Luna’s arms away, but she pushes Am’s hands away as she continues to cry.

In her throat grew the very things that killed Am’s parents.

“I’m sorry, Enishi-san, but it’s already too late for them to wilt.”  Luna said.  “Thank you for trying though.  These flowers are already a part of me.  Yumizuki Luna loves Chouno Am.  I’m proud of this.”

It’s the first time Luna’s felt so ashamed of her feelings.