#also poor lizard gummy guy :(

[thebekashow]

Tadc spoilers.

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I like how the chocolate monster is just an essentially kid friendly version of Great Mighty Poo.

[entertheolivezone]

Okay, so made for tv Disney movie time. *cracks knuckles* Descendants 2 time!

Oh shit the evil kids are casting a spell

No, wait...they're singing?

They're singing out how evil they are.

Tina thinks that this probably takes place in the past.

They're giving everyone apples that make them evil.

Oh shit, Mal's mommy issues are back. Like, already. We're not even through the first song.

No, wait, everyone has mommy issue.

The apples made everyone evil and also made they learn a bunch of over-produced dance moves.

OH SHIT MAL'S BEEN STEPFORDED!

Ben's trying to stop her from getting roasted by the press.

Ooh, he sent the press away to stop them from asking uncomfortable questions. That's questionable, politically.

Tina's all mad because part of Mal's good guy makeover is dressing her LIKE BEN'S MOM.

Apparently being the king's girlfriend means running everything.

Mal look

They showed Mal spitting out food at Aladdin and Jasmine's. Fuck you, Mal.

Mal's using magic to keep up! Evie's mad at her! It's all season 6 of Buffy in here!

Tina: *gasp!* They're MAGIC-SHAMING her!

Evie got rid of her mirror? Why? That shit was so useful.

Tina: Yeah Evie, it's weird that Mal's nervous about being the steady girlfriend of the President-For-Life.

TIME FOR SUUUUUUUBTEEEEEEEEEEEXT

Evie's super in respectiability politics.

Jay's really into orgies.

But he doesn't want Carlos there.

Oh my god, are they trying to play Carlos as straight?

OH MY GOD ARE THEY TRYING TO PLAY CARLOS AS STRAIGHT

Well Jane, maybe if you weren't crawling up Mal's ass she wouldn't make evil eyes at you.

Apparently everyone thinks Ben's going to marry Mal. Makes sense, they're all the kids of Disney characters.

Ben's trying to get a stained glass couples picture of him and Mal. I sense a plot point.

Tina: Just wear a sign that says "Desperate," Ben.

Shut up, Jane.

Why is Chad going to Evie for fashion tips? She hates his ass.

Chad's gonna try to usurp. Dang.

After having locker room sex with Jay, apparently.

Evie's got cash now from selling her designs. Upgrade your boyfriend too.

Okay, Ben is trying waaaaaaaaay too hard.

Mal's really easily bought off.

OH SHIT FENCING.

Too much cherography.

Who says FINISH HIM at a fencing match?

Wait, are they just doing Mulan but with Lonnie as Mulan and a fencing team as the Chinese army.

They are.

Chad is sexist, surprising nobody.

As is the rulebook.

Geez Jay, stand up for your friends.

STOP TRYING TO MAKE CARLOS STRAIGHT.

And jeez, don't make him straight so he can date Jane.

Jane sucks.

OOPS FORGOT YOU GREW UP IN ABJECT POVERTY HA HA I'M JANE

Ugh, a friendzone joke.

...did Mal just have an evilgasm?

Wow, going into surprsingly casual detail about Carlos' abusive childhood.

Hey Chad, don't break into other people's rooms while those people are in there.

What's with the 3-D printer stuff?

Mal made Carlos a truth gummy. So he can be honest. About being attracted to Jane. Yeah, sure, whatever you so.

The dog ate the gummi and now we're in a talking dog movie.Wasn't expecting that.

Poor Carlos. Did that dog imply he has crabs?

Welcome to the movie, Hook's kid.

This kid is 500% drama.

I think we're meeting kid!Ursula.

Oh geez, these were the kids who weren't cool enough to join Mal's gang. That's a low bar.

Kid!Ursula is named Uma. I know because they're singing a whole song called " My Name is Uma (please buy my dolls)"

She wants to take over the world because she didn't get into the first movie.

I think Harry Hook is going to be this movie's "character who seems like he want have sex with everyone in every scene he's in." (A role previously held by Ben in the last movie.)

Oh shit, Ursula does not like it when people sing in her bar. Her bar that is mostly populated with teenagers played by twenty year olds.

Harry Hook is getting handsy with Gaston Jr.

Mal is performing traditional feminity to please Ben. Gross.

Uh oh, Ben found her magic book.

Ben, don't be an asshole about this.

Okay Mal, magically date-raping your boyfriend can't be the solution to all of your problems.

Ben doesn't get how the class system works.

Bad saving throw, Ben.

Uh oh, Mal's running away with her lizard mom. Back to Bad Guy island.

Mal, did you forget that everyone hated you back home?

We're getting a leitmotiff from the first movie. Mal's going bad again.

Being King-for-Life can't be that stressful if a dance is your main concern.

At least Ben admits that it's his fault that Mal ran to the island.

Tina: It's so sad that sixteen Ben already realizes that he's doomed to repeat the cycle of abuse he parents went through.

Looks like the old gang is going back to the island. And they're gonna disquise Ben. AWESOME.

Aw, Evie doesn't want to get trapped in the place she had her hellish childhood.

Tina: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE PLOT OF WHITE NIGHTS

Lady Tremaine owns a styling parlor. Yes. Mal's gonna get a re-evil makeover.

Kid!Stepsister is definitely a character who definitely existed before this.

This salon has a giant picture of Lucifer the Cat. Good.

Oh good, they had a spare costume from Katy Perry's California Girls video for Mal to wear.

Harry's trying to intimidate Mal, but she's knows he's Uma's bitch.

Ha ha, Ben's dressed like an evil longshoreman.

All of the ex-evil kids are afraid of being trapped where they had their incredibly abusive childhoods. Ben almost walks into a vent.

Ben, stop wandering off.

Oh, Ben. You sweet, stupid baby.

Are the ex-evil kids teaching Ben about the evils of the class system through song? Yes. Yes, they are.

"Remember the way to be cool is to be oppressed and hopeless."

Ben is having way too fun here.

He just danced into Gaston Jr. And the subtext returns.

Ben's just going into their secret hideout alone? I know he's here to have a serious talk with Mal, but they don't know who else could've moved in.

That dude still doesn't get it. I'd say that he should just leave her alone, but it's obvious her insecurities about fitting in are the root of their problems.

Aw, Mal thinks that the myth of upward social mobility is bullshit and that's why she can't date Ben.

She's so upset about this that she won't even talk to her gal pal!

Harry Hook has grabbed Ben! Those two shouldn't be in the same room together. All of the goggles in the world couldn't contain that much sexual chemistry.

If Mal wants to see Ben again, she'll have to face Uma in a fight that definitely probably won't involve singing and dancing.

Sorry ex-evil kids, Mal's gotta do this alone.

OH SHIT MAL'S SITTING IN A CHAIR BACKWORDS.

"I'M SO FLATTERED THAT YOU DREAM OF ME!"

Uma wants to nail Mal to the wall. In more ways than one.

This is the way all disputes between villains are solved. By arm wrestling.

Uma wants...the fairy Godmother's wand? Is it the first movie again?

They're going to use the previous established 3-D printer to make a fake. What an odd thing to be running plot point.

Girls sure do like talking about hair I guess.

Dizzy just reminded Evie that she'll never be more than an island girl.

Oh geez, now Chad knows about it. And Lonnie.

Tina: They just gave up the whole pretense that this society is a democracy.

Why does Chad think he'll be next in line for the throne?

Dizzy: Boy, it sure sucks being an untouchable.

...are Mal and Evie going to make out?

...ARE MAL AND EVIE BREAKING UP?

Aw, Evie's willing to subject herself to abject poverty to stay with Mal and Mal won't let her.

Now they're having a romantic montage of moments between these two characters as they sing a song about how much they love each other.

Forehead bump of love.

This is one of the least subtle things ever.

Tina: There is no part of this that is not a love song.

And we cut to Jay and Carlos sleeping on top of each other. WELL

I appreciate how much everyone does not want this movie to become a talking dog movie.

Mulan grew a personality in between movies. Tina doesn't know how to feel. On one had, it was well needed. On the other, she's basically a completely different person now.

HARRY HOOK IS STROKING BEN'S FACE WITH HIS HOOK!

Did all of the gay subtext fly out of Carlos and coat everyone else?

...Harry Hook is counting down the minutes until he gets to stick his hook in Ben. His words, not mine.

Ben's trying to get out of this using his one main skill from the first movie: seduction.

He's going all in, but Uma's not buying what he's selling.

Oh great, the talking dog is here.

Everyone's off to save the group's collective boyfriend. (Ben.)

Time for some good old fashioned sing-fight-dancing.

Tina: Is this supposed to a rap battle?

Yes. Yes, it.

"ALL IT TAKES IS ONE SWING AND I'LL HUMILATE HIM."

Oh god, Ben's trying to defuse the situation by seducing a whole crowd at once. I know it worked in the first movie, but this is so not your territory.

Turns out the talking dog thing was a plot point.

Gaston Jr wants Ben to tell his mom that he's still single.

Like, yeah, the wand was fake, but why did Uma just assume that she could do magic?

FIGHT SCENE WITHOUT RAPPING

Well, that extra's dead.

...did Harry and Jay hook up in the past?

Quick, everyone swordfight with whichever character you have the most sexual chemistry with.

Except Evie and Lonnie, who just get extras because we ran out of front-credited characters.

Harry's taking another crack at Ben because of course he is.

The good guys are escaping in a limo because Ben's real power is privilege.

Uh oh, Mal left her evil spellbook behind.

Ben just realized that his duty as King-For-Life is to everyone, not just the people in the magical suburbs.

Lonnie is going to bang Jay SO HARD.

Tina: OH MY GOD THE REAL PROBLEM IS THAT THE GIRLS NEVER LISTEN TO THE GUYS.

Carlos is totally pitching an orgy.

A therapy orgy.

Tina: This is where everyone is realizing that fuck Respectability Politics.

Carlos, that's not the right problem to focus on. Of course Ben's not in love with you just because of the spellbook, that's why he was all mad that you were using it early. Also because you were trying to use magic to wipe his mind.

The dog is trying to get Carlos to be hetrosexual. So that happened.

Tina called Jay using a loophole in the fencing handbook to get Lonnie on the team. By making her captain! And she's gonna make all those boys grovel at her feet.

Ugh, Doug.

Evie, you can do better.

Doug thinks that Evie might be banging Happy's son because he has a dark streak.

Tina: Why can't we see Happy's son? An evil Happy is so much better than Doug!

BOOOOOOOO.

Oh, Carlos is trying to ask out Jane. I repeat, BOOOOOOOOOO.

We went from one of the worst hetro romances in the movie to the other.

Chad needs find his chill.

Evie is trying to establish Dizzy as an up and coming designer to get her off of the island.

Is Jane just dating Carlos to get back at her mom? That's gross. Don't use people like that.

Ew, the manservant just told Mal to work it. She's, like, sixteen. Back off, creepy.

Mal: Father-tested, Mother-approved.

Ben invited Uma! Wow, dude is really doing the groundwork to set up this threeway.

Tina: Ben is going to bring over the villains over one at a time. With his dick.

Nah, it looks like Uma probably used magic to brainwash him. The dude has no luck in the "getting magically brainwashed into dating girls" department.

Or lots of luck in that department, depending on your view of things.

How are they not getting this? This is exactly what THEY did to him last movie?

Tina: They're dancing to an orchestral version of Kiss the Girl. That makes sense.

Boy, now's a dick time to unveil that stained glass window of Mal that Ben comissioned.

Uma used the book to command Ben to bring down the mystical barrier seperating the Island of Poor People from the rest of the country. This is...a bad thing, apparently?

They're doing the thing in which two people stand on opposite sides of a room and try to get the dog to come to them, except with Ben instead of a dog.

True love's kiss, wah wah wah.

Tina: Why's Uma jumping in the water? Me: Maybe she's going to pull an Ursula and turn into a giant octopus woman.

Holy shit, I was kidding.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand now Mal's a dragon.

Think Ben still wants that threesome?

WELL APPARENTLY HE DOES.

Tina: I know Ben's right, but also shut up Ben. I want to see a giant octopus lady fight a dragon.

It took him a while, but Ben finally managed to seduce Uma.

They came so close to having a good message.

Oh, okay. Apparently segregation is wrong, but only in some cases. That's...better, I guess?

And so everyone who didn't live in the island of abject poverty lived happily ever after.

Looks like Carlos is getting that orgy he was gunning for earlier.

Mal and Evie are working the subtext right to the bitter end. And Ben's getting that threesome one way or another.

Oh right, Doug exists.

Tina: Why is everyone dancing in the water? You can tell that the choreographer thought that this would look so much cooler than it does.

I guess Mal and Ben are engaged now? Well, I guess having a wife who can turn into a dragon would come in handy if you were King-For-Life ruling over a bunch of recently deposed royals. Especially since Chad is definitely going to try to overthrow him at some point.

Uma just broke the fourth wall and threatened another sequel.

Hey, they saved the cover of a classic Disney song for the credits.

Tina: Pop cover of Kiss the Girl better than rap cover of Be Our Guest?

Me: It'd pretty much have to be.