#also now he’s Longpaw I know it’s early I don’t care

[juniper-clan]

MOON THREE (May 1701)

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[laurawritesandgames]

Saying Goodbye Part 1

The sun was shining the next morning, so the cats met in the clover patch to discuss plans, as the surrounding bramble and heather hid them from the Thunderpath. A pity there wasn’t any clover so early in the season. Every MeadowClan cat knew that sweet smells led to sweet thoughts; the Clan had held their meetings among a patch of daisies and yellow-eye.

Sweeps Up started the meeting by saying she was committed to helping Mistwalk bear her kit and raise them with a full fresh-kill pile, which surprised and humbled Mistwalk. She hadn’t realized until that moment that she’d been expecting the barn cats to leave.

“However,” Sweeps Up continued, “Gina has asked for help to return to Uprightlands and see if an Upright will take her in. I’d like to escort her and stay with her for a few days. Terrier, would you, Manx and Mouse Face help with the hunting here?”

A leader shouldn’t have to ask. Poor Sweeps Up; if she’d been the leader of a Clan, cats would be honoured to follow her orders.

“Finally got tired of preaching to us, huh?” Terrier asked Gina, his tone so insolent that Mistwalk gasped. Such disrespect for an elder!

“I need walls around me.” Gina’s gaze narrowed. “Since you all want to be hardened ferals, shedding blood and bearing kits until sickness or old age claim you, be free! You won’t have Gina to remind you of the other path.”

“Some of us have enough scars to remember the Longpaws by,” Terrier said coldly.

Gina’s fur was beginning to rise. Manx quickly said, “We’ve all smelled this scent before, friends. Let us not fight on a day we say goodbye to each other.”

“Yeah, sure,” the grey-and-white tom said. To Sweeps Up, he said, “In a few days, I’m off whether you’re back or not. There’s some wanderers that need to know the lead grey is dead...and I don’t want the blue-eyed grey’s trail to grow cold.”

“The Enforcer,” Mistwalk said. “He might also be calling himself…. Um. I heard his old name once…. Er, if I remember, I’ll let you know.”

Terrier’s “Thanks,” had a sarcastic edge. Did he have to be so rude?

Rabbitkit cleared his throat. “Mama,” he said solemnly, “I’d like to go with the barn cats to the Twolegplace and...and find a Twoleg family to live with.”

Mistwalk stared at him, unable to speak. She glanced at Featherfall, who looked just as surprised as she felt, then at Sweeps Up. Surely, she didn’t agree with this? But the brown longhair was watching Mistwalk with a sympathetic gaze. Two Tone coolly observed Mistwalk, Rabbitkit and Gina; Mouse Face was concentrating on grooming his paw. Manx was also watching Gina, and Terrier wearily eyed Mistwalk. Gina herself looked at Rabbitkit with a mother’s pride. Why was no one stopping this madness?

“Leave?!” was all Mistwalk could say. The word came out short and sharp, like the squeal of a mouse before it died.

“I don’t want to,” Rabbitkit added quickly. “But how can I live in the wild?”

“We’ll protect you.” Mistwalk shouldn’t have to remind him of the obvious. “We’re a Clan. You’re—you’re—” Her throat closed up. She couldn’t say ‘my son.’ She was trembling. He couldn’t leave her. Not when they were finally safe. Not after everything she’d sacrificed for him.

“You were responsible, weren’t you, Gina?” Terrier asked, glowering at the elder. “You told the kit that Longpaws can control where you live? They could put you in a room with no food or water and never let you out, if they felt like it.”

Mistwalk had never thought of what life could be like for kittypets. Her paws brought her to Rabbitkit’s side before she was consciously aware of it. She had to protect him.

“Did you tell him that they can hurt you and you can’t hurt them back?” Terrier continued. “A huge dog could, maybe, but not cats like us. Longpaws can put extra fur on over their skin, so your fangs and claws mean nothing. They can kick you and throw you hard enough to break bones. They can control fire. They even have fangs of their own, silvery ones that they hold in their front paws, and they can use them just as well as we can.”

Rabbitkit’s tail was curling close to his hind legs. Obviously, Gina hadn’t mentioned all this when she spoke of the greatness of kittypet life. Mistwalk wrapped her tail tightly around her son.

“There!” Mistwalk said, nodding to Terrier. “Just listen to that.” Her voice kept getting louder and louder. “You can’t go! You just can’t!” He was shaking, poor thing. Or was she shaking? She couldn’t tell.

“Gina suggested we look for Uprights at the Cat Gardens,” Sweeps Up said gently. A memory tugged at Mistwalk’s mind. Had she been there before? “The Uprights who bring their companions there care for them.”

“They seem to,” Terrier said. “Uprights can change their minds.”

Suddenly, Mistwalk remembered: the Ruler sniffing at her hindquarters, the Enforcer’s blank stare, the Ruler’s weight on her back and breath on her neck. A cold wave rose up from her toes to her ears.

“Never!” she yowled. “You’ll never bring him there!” Her tail lashed. “He’s just a kit!” Her fangs were bared as she glared at Sweeps Up. “Why are you even listening to him? Kits want to do a thousand impossible things every day!”

She couldn’t hear much beyond her pulse in her ears, but she caught Rabbitkit saying, “Mama, I’m six moons old.”

“Apprentices don’t get to decide their lives either!” She turned her glare on him; at his startled expression, she forced her lips over her teeth. I have to calm down, she realized. But she couldn’t stop herself from yowling, “You vile rogues won’t take him from me! He’s my son. Among the Clans, family means something!”

Sweeps Up and Two Tone accepted this calmly—in fact, they looked at her with insufferable pity—but Mouse Face harumphed loudly and Gina spat.

“Mama!” Rabbitkit staggered in front of her, blocking her view of the rogues, staring into her eyes. “I’m not being taken. I’m choosing to go.”

His eyes were the same yellow as his father’s. “You—” her voice quivered “—you can’t.” Breathe. Calm down. Breathe! “Featherfall, tell him.” She looked away from him, gasping for air. She could smell hydrangeas in her nose, as if she were back in the Cat Garden.

Featherfall was silent for long enough that Rabbitkit started appealing to her. “I don’t want to take food from everyone’s mouths in the elder’s den. And what if a racoon or a fox attacks? I couldn’t fight them or escape them. I tried to run from Papa, remember? But I couldn’t even make it a few steps. Being scared or angry makes it harder for me to move.”

After a few moments, Featherfall quietly said, “A Clan doesn’t get rid of members because they’re inconvenient. That’s not our way.”

Mistwalk stared at her friend. She could try a bit harder than this! “And we love you!” she added quickly. “It’d...it’d break our hearts if you left.”

Rabbitkit’s ears lowered. “I just...I don’t want—” He paused, sitting on his haunches, his tail tip twitching as he searched for the right words. “Here, Papa is everywhere. And I’m part of him. What if...what if I stay and I break your heart, too? Because I become bad?”

“You won’t,” she said fiercely. “You’re my son, and you’re a good kit, and I love you.”

He gently butted his head against hers, then nuzzled her cheek. “I love you too, Mama.”

But he didn’t stay he’d stay with her.

It took Mistwalk some frantic pacing to calm down and come to her senses. The meeting was over by the time her heartbeat slowed to normal. Sweeps Up announced that she, Gina, and Two Tone were going to leave for the Cat Gardens the next day.

Mistwalk had just one day to convince Rabbitkit to stay.

First, she apologized to the barn cats for calling them vile rogues, then she learned all she could about Twolegs and kittypets from them. Though Mouse Face joked, “Perhaps we can trade knowledge—I could educate you on Uprights and you can educate me on family,” for the most part, the barn cats politely shared what they knew.

I’m not this cat that screams and insults others all the time, she wanted to tell them. I used to be very nice. I usually am. But what did her words matter? She’d have to start acting better than she had the past few days.

As she and Rabbitkit settled down in the nursery burrow before their daytime sleep, Mistwalk said, “They say Twolegs will Cut you if they take you. Don’t you want to have kits?”

“Not really.” Rabbitkit flicked an ear dismissively. “Besides, maybe it’s better that there’s less of Papa in the world. It’ll just be me and them.” He pointed with his chin at her stomach. “Not that your kit will be bad or anything,” he added quickly. “I’m sure they’ll be good. Better than me, even!”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she said. Why did he keep thinking that?

Rabbitkit looked away from her and stared moodily at the burrow walls.

“An evil cat wouldn’t blame themselves for the deaths of their siblings,” she said softly. “An evil cat wouldn’t mourn them.”

He just sighed heavily, curled up next to her and put his head down. She groomed him until he drifted off to sleep. If they were a proper Clan, he’d be named Rabbitpaw by now and be in the elder’s den. Sometimes she was happy they weren’t a real Clan.

Relaxing, she thought over Rabbitkit’s arguments for leaving. He fears being useless. How to convince him to stay when he’ll never be a hunter or a fighter?

When he woke, she commented, “You could be the Clan’s storyteller! Someone has to remember MeadowClan when your mama’s memory is being foggy.”

“You remember more of MeadowClan than I do.” He staggered onto his paws to stretch himself out. “I just remember him.”

“So do I. Why, if there wasn’t a perfectly good nursery burrow here, I would’ve suggested we move. Memories of your father will fade with time, love, and fat prey. Speaking of, I’m hungry! Let’s go see what there is.”

She purred to see a plump shrew, two mice and four voles. “Now this, my dear, is a proper fresh-kill pile!” She gulped down a shrew that was still warm. Her kit squirmed in her belly, as if they sensed her excitement. She glanced at Rabbitkit. “Your little brother or sister is going to miss you, if you go.”

Rabbitkit sighed. “And I’ll miss them. I’ll miss everyone, Mama.” His gaze went to Gina, lying down under the spruce tree that had once been the Enforcer’s favourite sleeping spot. “Have you eaten, Gina?”

“I’m not hungry,” she grumbled.

“We can chew some food for her,” Mistwalk said. “I know her teeth trouble her.” Some poppy seeds would ease her pain, if the Ruler hadn’t consumed them after every little scratch. Being unable to help an elder stung her pride as a medicine cat.

As they chewed, Rabbitkit commented, “Twolegs might be able to cure me, Mama. If they can, of course I’ll try to make my way back to you.”

“Or you could stay. They might not be able to cure you! All you need is time to forget your father. Nightmares don’t last forever.” Remembering her terror this morning at the mere mention of the Cat Gardens, her ears went back. She forced them forward.

“What if some do?” Rabbitkit asked.

She remembered Featherfall’s claws ripping open her cheek as if it had just happened. “They don’t,” she said, more to herself than to him. “And love protects from badness. No one is going to love you like your Clan.”

Rabbitkit sighed heavily before picking up the chewed up pieces of mice and bringing them to Gina. He walked more carelessly than usual, even falling down once or twice. Normally, he’d get back up scowling or tail lashing, and walk even more carefully than before; now, he didn’t even seem to notice. Although Mistwalk tried to have him lean against her, his legs kept sending him away from her.

Gina didn’t appreciate their hard work. She hissed, showing off her swollen gums and brown teeth. “You’re feeding me like I’m some baby bird! Is that what I am to you, an ugly, helpless thing? Pah!” Her yellow gaze snapped to Mistwalk. “And you! Let the kit go. He’s going to die here.”

“You—!” Mistwalk snapped. But one shouldn’t be rude to an elder. She interrupted herself, inhaled deeply, and managed to politely say, “You don’t know Clan life, but we’ve seen Rabbitkit’s affliction before. I can’t cure it, but I can care for him. He’ll be as well protected as kits in the nursery.”

“As if you know protection, feral! What’s brambles and leaves next to Upright walls? Nothing can claw through them. Stronger than stone. If cats fight, well, the Uprights stop them, and wounds are cleaned. Saw it myself, back when I lived with….” She drifted off, the fire in her expression fading. “They would’ve taken care of my teeth,” she muttered. “I’d be fat and happy now, instead of this wreck. It’s a long life the Uprights offer you, and a kind one.” She glared scornfully at the pieces they’d offered her. “I’m not hungry.”

Rabbitkit shot Mistwalk a dismayed look. This wasn’t the first crotchety elder Mistwalk had dealt with, however; she stroked her tail along her son’s back reassuringly. “Let me talk to her, my dear. You go off and think about what I’ve said.” Constantly nagging him would push him away. He needed time to think and draw his own conclusions.

He decided to leave the next morning. He whispered this to her in the nursery burrow in pre-dawn. “I’m sorry, Mama. I love you so much, but I just can’t stay.”

Mistwalk had stayed awake all night. Remember this, she told herself, burying her nose in his scent glands at his cheeks. Just in case. She would forget all the herblore she’d ever learned if she could just never forget him.

“My little love,” she said, sighing. “StarClan watch over you.” She said that before she remembered there was no StarClan here. “Rather, whatever power kept your brother and sister safe, watch over you.” If it’s even a good power, she thought uneasily.

She groomed him, so he could meet the kittypets looking decent. She tried to remember everything: his smell, his low voice, his bright white coat with its small black and orange spots.

Mistwalk would have gone to the Twolegplace with Gina, Two Tone and Sweeps Up to see her son off, but the thought of returning to the Cat Gardens made her ill. Strange, how the Ruler had raped her so many times, but that first time stood out so clearly. The first time, I suppose I still hoped he wouldn’t do it, or it wouldn’t be so bad, or it would get me what I wanted...or it would only happen once.

She excused herself by saying her pregnancy meant she couldn’t travel that far. If anyone knew better, they didn’t contradict her.

All the barn cats tried to console her. Sweeps Up did it best, with a direct, “We’ll take care of him,” and a lick to her shoulder. With Sweeps Up, she believed they would.

But would the Twolegs take care of him? Terrier’s presence was a constant reminder that Twolegs could ruin a cat’s life. Manx the dog said a fond goodbye to Gina and Rabbitkit; Terrier followed his friend, managing a barely civil nod to Gina and a grunted “See ya,” to Rabbitkit. Clearly, he thought they were making a mistake.

“Be safe,” Mistwalk told her son, wishing she had the words to express everything she wanted to say. “Watch out for your temper. Remember that you always have a home here if you want to come back.”

“I’ll remember.” His yellow eyes were warm, but his tail was twitching with impatience. He wanted to be gone.

As the group departed, Mistwalk watched her son walk down the Thunderpath, trying to fix his awkward, staggering gait into her memory. Soon, the travellers mounted the hill and vanished into the Twolegplace. What if he was struck by a monster? What if a dog attacked him?

“I should have told him he could become a warrior,” Mistwalk muttered to herself. “He might have stayed, then.”

“Could he have?” Featherfall said. Startled, Mistwalk glanced over and saw her friend sitting beside her.

“Oh! Sorry, I didn’t hear you join me.” Mistwalk sighed, gazing back down the Thunderpath. “I couldn’t say. Perhaps. Just because ForestClan’s she-cat went to the elder’s den, doesn’t mean he had to. It might have taken more effort and a different type of training, but he might have been able to hunt and fight. If only I’d thought of that seasons ago.” Her ears flattened.

Featherfall was silent, but Mistwalk found some comfort in it. She brushed her tail along her friend’s until Featherfall excused herself for border patrol.

She didn’t sleep all day. Manx sat silently with her for a time, Mouse Face brought her a vole and some mindless chatter, and Featherfall eventually returned and began grooming her. Mistwalk didn’t move, face turned to the Twolegplace as if that could keep her son safe.