#also not all his pets are femme but that's another post at LEAST one is masc and one comes off as NB to me

[thealexandriaarchives]

"Feyd-Rautha is a Cannibal."

Feyd-Rautha is seen eating exactly one thing in Dune Part 2 and that's an apple as part of a healthy working breakfast.

For all the evidence we have Feyd-Rautha is a vegan and just a responsible pet owner.

[petitelepus]

His Beloved And More, Part 9 FINAL

Brainstorm tries his last chance to unite with you.

Quick thank you for all you Readers who liked my dark love story! This was a pleasure to post and I’ll focus on my “Detroit Become Human” story, alongside with the requests!

Happy Midsummer everyone! <3

"Tell me Rodimus, why you wanted us to visit this trader comet?" Megatron asked from his co-captain who was munching on a rust stick. The bright red mech glanced at the former warlord and shrugged. "No clue. Brainstorm told us that he had to pick something up from there."

"He has been down lately. More than usual after the liaison's demise." Megatron pointed out and Rodimus picked another stick. "What do you want me to do about it, he hasn't left his habsuite other than to work, and even then he has been playing with lab rats."

"How do you know this and why wasn't I informed?"

Rodimus shrugged, "Didn't know you cared?"

"That I don't care about a mech who build a time machine in order to alter the timeline and possibly kill me in favor of saving a mech he had a crush on? Rodimus, what do you think he would do if he lost a lover, not a crush!"

Rodimus stared at Megatron quietly and after a minute he bit his rust stick. "Scrap. That didn't cross my mind."

"Of course it didn't..."

On the trader comet, Figaro 19-4, Brainstorm had left the crewmates and friends that had insisted on joining him on what appeared like any normal shopping spree, but it was more to the brilliant scientist. When Nautica and Rewind dragged others to look at the alien pets in the display window, Brainstorm left the group and sneaked into the dark alleys of the trader comet.

The flyer looked around, reading the virtual map he had gotten from the darknet, and followed the trail until he stood before a shady door. Brainstorm inserted the key chip he had gotten when he had first shown interest in making a deal with this mech and the door slid open, revealing a wine red con with yellow optics.

"You SpaceBrainiac?" The con asked and the scientist nodded. "That would be me. You must be CopperJack."

"Yeah. You came alone, right?" Jack asked as he looked around the alley as he ushered Brainstorm inside before closing and locking the door.

~~~~~~~~~

Ultra Magnus, Rodimus, and Megatron stared at the scene unfolding before their optics at Swerve's bar. Everyone had gathered around this table in the middle of the room and they were shooting questions left and right at this new mysterious femme that none of them had seen before.

Rodimus blinked and rubbed his optics before taking another look like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. A sleek femme bot that had a black and lilac paint job, the yellow cockpit on her chest, wings sprouting from her back, and glasses close to Rung's own over her crimson optics. What Rodimus and others couldn't believe was the similarity.

"She is like a spitting image of liaison," Rodimus whispered, and Megatron and Ultra Magnus nodded beside him. The similarity was almost eery. Suddenly Brainstorm noticed the three mechs and excused him and the femme from the gawking Autobots and friends to bring her to captains and Ultra Magnus.

"Captains and Magnus, I would love to introduce Lunarwing to you!" Brainstorm cheered and pointed at you, "She would love to join our crew if that is okay with you captains!"

"Depends..!" Rodimus scowled and looked at her suspiciously. "Were you a Decepticon who had a change of Spark and are now looking for a meaning all around the universe?"

"Not as far as I can remember." You replied and the Autobots glanced at each other before looking at you again. "You don't know if you were Decepticon or Autobot?"

"Oh no, I remember being in war... I just can't recall my position..." You murmured but then you brightened up and wrapped your arms around Braintorm's arm. "But I remember Brainstorm and how he makes me feel safe!"

~~~~~~~~~

The flier followed the Decepticon into the dark halls until they came to an open space, filled with rows and rows of Cybertroanians' frames in comatose. Jack laughed and motioned the scientist to approach them. "You came for a living sex doll, didn't you? Well, here is my warehouse! Take a look if you want, they're all first-class frames!"

"So you said all these bots and cons are prisoners from the time during the war?" Brainstorm asked as he took in the frames frozen in time and tried one's servos. They showed no signs of being damaged or treated badly. They were as good as the day they were back then when they were shipped into front lines.

"Well, after my squad got there it became 'lost in war'." The con revealed and laughed, "They were captured by high ranking Decepticons and trusted my squad to take them to Grindcore. You know, the prison camp? Ever heard of it?"

How could he had not heard of it? It was the very same camp they took his beloved Quark to. Brainstorm grunted, memories of his beloved hunting him, just like memories of you did. The scientist nodded grimly. "I've heard of it."

"Honestly, I did these guys a favor! That camp was a deathtrap! Now they can live!"

"As someone's sex doll?" Brainstorm asked and glanced at the con. The violet mech shrugged and stopped smiling. "Life is tough. It doesn't matter if they are aware of it. Now, are you picking one or should I kick you out?"

There was a clear warning in the mech's tone that Brainstorm didn't miss. The flier shook his head and the con grinned again. "No harm, no foul. Pick one that pleases the optic most."

Brainstorm nodded and walked down the lines of war prisoners. He looked at each one carefully, but none were pleasing him as he would have liked to. Too tall, too small, too thin, too thick. Nothing pleased him enough to buy... Until he came upon this gorgeous femme's frame and when he looked at her face he saw you. The brilliant scientist blinked in shock and turned to look at the Decepticon selling the frames.

"How much is she?" He asked and the con chuckled. "Aah, the good old femme fatale. She costs 30 000 Shanix."

Just about how much Brainstorm had. The flier nodded and gave the seller a chip filled with the Shanix needed. The con checked the chip and nodded, pleased with the currency that switched owners. The purple mech flicked his hand and long needless that mnemosurgeons used to alter their patients' minds and more sprung out from the tips of his fingers. "Mind to give me info on what you want?"

Brainstorm nodded and picked up a little note that had everything he wanted from the shady Decepticon. The con took the note and read it over before giving hie looked at the scientist, "You seriously want your toy to have its own mind? They can go and fall for someone else than the master, aka you, if you let them wander."

"She." Brainstorm corrected the con with a weak glare, "And she has every right to do what she wants with the memories and personality I gave you."

"Okay," The con nodded and sank the needless into the back of the femme's neck, "Just so you know, it's your funeral."

~~~~~~~~~

The captains accepted Brainstorm's story about you, though alarmed but the scientist knew they had no evidence about his plans, both failed and successed. As soon as they left you two alone you looked at your lover with your bright crimson optics gleaming behind your glasses.

"Brainstorm..."

"Yes my beloved?"

"I don't remember much... But I feel like I've always known you." You confessed to Brainstorm and the scientist smiled behind his mask as he took your hands into his, "I know and I just want you to know that I love you also."

You smiled and leaned in to kiss his mask's edge before pulling back with an honest and loving smile. "I really do love you." You confessed and Brainstorm smiled.

Deep down the brilliant scientist knew that he had to let you go... Or, your memories of Earth and everything that happened at least. He did donate your personality to the comatose femme and make you love him once again but this time he wouldn't let anything or anyone come between you two. After all, this was all for the sake of love.

[finefeatheredfriend]

Vampire Science!

I just finished Vampire Science (edit: since I couldn’t post this earlier because of my trip it’s actually been a few days lol) and it was amazing. I am so so happy that I’ve had people tell me not to judge all the EDAs by how... awful the Eight Doctors is haha!

I loved this novel a lot. Sam is a delight and Eight is perfect and I just really loved all of it so much. It’s so well written! And there were so many scenes that just made me laugh out loud and grin and at times I was captivated by the action scenes (which rarely happens!) and just read through it quickly while gaping. It was so clever.

The only thing I didn’t like about this one was the absolute lack of naked Eight. It’s unacceptable that he only dressed down to his shirt and didn’t take off more of his clothes.

For some reason I was also 100% convinced Carolyn was going to die. I really liked her though! And I related to Shackle a bit too much for my liking. The UNIT general was cool too! I still haven’t really made my mind up about Joanna. But all these side characters were absolutely brilliantly written!

I did a kind of liveblog thing in my notes so I could come back later and see what exactly I liked about the book - here’s a list of my favourite liveblog bullet points:

- tall? eight? paul mcgann tall? green eyes? what

- ‘the TARDIS was the closest thing he had to a girlfriend now’ uuuh what

- Sam theorising about the Doctor’s name and joking it might be Fred aaaaah the Romana feels

- Eight is just covered in little kittens and then... ‘he shook his head carefully and the kitten on top clung on for dear life’ asdfghjkl

- we need to see Eight in just his shirtsleeves and waistcoat more often. it’s for science. vampire science

- ok no I take that last one back that was a little too much

- oh please, Doctor, do feel free to remove even more of your clothes

- and now the cravat’s gone too

- yes only a few more layers to go, go on

- ‘I was afraid I’d run out of clothing before I got to you’ and I was afraid you’d get there before all your clothes were gone and here we are, and you’re still wearing half your clothes

- ‘Welcome,’ he said, striking a dramatic half lit pose, ‘to the opera... of Doom’ ahsgahs that reminds me of ‘the ambassadors... OF DEATH’

- ‘You expect me to buy that you’re some kind of a mythical creature?’ ‘Joanna... you’re a vampire’ I’m screaming

- Fred the Eternal Snail I’m screaming ‘He was a mascot until someone stepped on him and they had to stake him with a toothpick’ agahdgah

- ‘I want you to take me. Uh, with you.’ in which Carolyn says what we’ve all been thinking all along

- oh my GOD now he’s gently running his hands through her hair to make her go to sleep aaah oh my god oh my g o d

- THE DOCTOR HAS A BUTTERFLY ROOM AAAAAH

- “I could succeed in many things, fail in many more, but as long as I've petted the cat I've done everything that really matters.” same

- ahahaha the Doctor just caught a bat in his bare hands and then talked to it in baby talk I’m screaming “Awww,' said the Doctor, scratching the bat under the chin, 'Did the big mean owd wady fwighten you?”

- love how the doctor just counts the years since his last regeneration as how old he is hahah oh wait so sam and him have been travelling for three years?? cause he met her right after san francisco and he said it’s been three years since his last regeneration OH wait sam also said he goes travelling without her for up to a year when he gets distracted so maybe that’s why

- “Real trust is as rare and precious as having a cat pay attention to you” eight is a cat person confirmed

- oh my GOD Kramer has to explain to the doctor why all the women flock around him aaah he’s such a useless baby I love him

Wow sorry I didn’t expect this to get this long ahahah

Under the cut there’s the whole liveblog/every single reaction i had to the book if you’re interested! (I’m just adding it so I have all my reactions recorded but feel free to read if you want)

I bolded the ones I liked a lot but couldn’t put in my favourites because it would have gotten too long ahaha

- ok right from the very first page I already love the writing at least 100% more than that of the eight doctors

- I somehow thought I’d seen art of Sam that had her have dark hair but she’s always described as a blonde...? Am I mixing things up?

- Sam is ‘unapologetically butch’? love that

- are they at a gay bar? I love this

- wait ok I spoke too soon I mean they might still be at a gay bar but uhh I mean I am aware this book is literally called vampire science but I wanted those two women to just be gay not one of them to kill/eat the other

- tall? eight? paul mcgann tall? green eyes? what

- for god’s sake can people please stop calling eight’s clothes a Jane Austen costume that. is. the. wrong. era!!

- STRING!! the Doctor has a ball of string in his pockets!! this takes me back to Caerdroia

- why do I have a feeling Carolyn is going to die

- it’s because she keeps talking about how she wants to join them in travelling the universe when I don’t remember hearing of any Carolyn travelling with eight

- ‘running off with a tall dark handsome mysterious stranger and a femme fatale? she wasn’t picky, she’d take either’ I love myself a disaster bi

- but she’s gonna die isn’t she

- ok why are we getting so much backstory on her if she’s gonna die anyway

- oh it’s gonna come in handy later that she’s a biochem major isn’t it

- since it’s vampire science

- how convenient they met her

- ok so maybe she won’t die after all...? it’s 20 years later and she probably has a family she doesn’t want to leave and that’s why she won’t travel with the doctor and Sam

- why is it so important to know that her partner is 5 years younger like is that important later I don’t get it

- oooh Sam’s room on the tardis belonged to another teenager before her? who???

- ‘the TARDIS was the closest thing he had to a girlfriend now’ uuuh what

- Sam theorising about the Doctor’s name and joking it might be Fred aaaaah the Romana feels

- ok. earlier I was confused because apparently his eyes are green in this book. now they’re blue? what’s going on

- aaah I can’t believe Sam has to tell the Doctor how to put on his shoes cause he can’t do it on his own ahahaha

- UNIT!!!! am I happy about this or not?

- Sam is 19, but with the right clothes and the right attitude she can sometimes pass for 20. oh Sam, you sweet summer child i love you

- I wasn’t sure about James before but he seems like a nice guy now

- please don’t let him be killed

- I really like Sam

- ‘he didn’t notice the taxi behind him, its driver mildly excited to have been asked to “follow that car!”’ asdfghjkl

- ‘the Doctor couldn’t do anything to stop what was going to happen’ oh no James really is going to die isn’t he

- aaaw when Carolyn and the Doctor meet again and she hugs him while crying... I felt that

- oh yes give me more of Eight in shirtsleeves wearing and apron while cooking breakfast - I’d like to wake up to that hehe

- oh my god and he is singing

- and... beatboxing...?

- and he tucked Carolyn into bed last night oh my heart

- ‘You have cute eyebrows’ I’m screaming

- ‘a manipulative little weirdo’ ... sounds about right but still, don’t talk like that about my baby seven, kramer

- I love Sam

- and nOW EIGHT IS PETTING A KITTEN THAT FELL INTO HIS LAP I CAN’T

- this book is full of little things that just make my heart go !! or make me laugh so much

- this just gets better and better - Eight is just covered in little kittens and then

- ‘he shook his head carefully and the kitten on top clung on for dear life’ asdfghjkl

- and one of the kittens got into his coat pocket!! ugh this scene was too cute, I wasn’t really paying attention to anything but what the kittens and eight were going to do next ahahah

- looove the little remark about Sam going to the gay rights march aaah

- Ahahah sam wanting to high five the Doctor while they’re undercover I’m screaming

- personal vamp scale I can’t

- ahaha that guy was ‘dancing vaguely at her with an angular lack of grace that suggested he’d been dead since the days of the funky chicken’ hahaha

- NO SAM NOOO

- oh Doctor my poor baby it’s not your fault

- Oh please let Sam be alright

- Aaah

- I don’t want her to die

- Out of all the characters i really didn’t think I’d relate to shackle so much

- ‘Sam Jones, the girl who’d climbed on to a roof to spray paint ‘anorexics die for business ££££’ onto a lingerie billboard’ Sam you absolute icon

- they mentioned Ace!!!

- Ahaha those two vampires haha one of them trying to dramatically recruit some young vampires and the other just interrupting him making fun of him ahahahaha

- I loooove how the Doctor just ignores that vampire

- And then he’s just so totally nonchalant when he finally speaks ugh I love him

- Nooo don’t let them turn you into a vampire James!!

- we need to see Eight in just his shirtsleeves and waistcoat more often. it’s for science. vampire science

- ok no I take that last one back that was a little too much

- oh please, Doctor, do feel free to remove even more of your clothes

- and now the cravat’s gone too

- yes only a few more layers to go, go on

- ‘I was afraid I’d run out of clothing before I got to you’ and I was afraid you’d get there before all your clothes were gone and here we are, and you’re still wearing half your clothes

- ‘Welcome,’ he said, striking a dramatic half lit pose, ‘to the opera... of Doom’ ahsgahs that reminds me of ‘the ambassadors... OF DEATH’

- now the Doctor has clear blue-grey eyes - which I suppose is closer to the blue they mentioned before than the green they mentioned before that

- but still

- agree on one eye colour PLEASE

- unless... that’s some weird time lord physiology thing? changing eye colour? could be

- could also just be the light ahah

- ‘You expect me to buy that you’re some kind of a mythical creature?’ ‘Joanna... you’re a vampire’ I’m screaming

- no Doctor don’t put your clothes back on yet

- sigh. yellowish green? his eyes really do change colour don’t they

- I swear to god if the doctor actually turned into a vampire I’m gonna just leave

- this chapter title is hurt/chocolate ,,,,, like hurt/comfort? Ahaha (I’m laughing now because I’m scared i won’t be able to later)

- the Doctor? sleeping??

- oh right. I had a little break between reading so I forgot he was badly hurt oops

- oh I need a visual for this - Kramer just picked up the Doctor and carried him into the house?? I imagined her as a small though stocky woman, but not nearly strong enough to carry a man described as tall (though we all know paul mcgann is not tall lol)

- This blood fasting thing isn’t permanent though is it

- I already love Sam and Eight’s relationship so much - the way he comforts her ugh my heart

- and now he’s hugging her while stirring the soup he prepared for her (or Carolyn?) ugh my heart (I say that a lot ahahah)

- Wait wasn’t there a vampire called spike on buffy as well

- Fred the Eternal Snail I’m screaming

- He was a mascot until someone stepped on him and they had to stake him with a toothpick agahdgah

- Oh god Carolyn asked the doctor if she can go with him... she really is going to die isn’t she

- Or the doctor says no but...

- aaaand his eyes are green again

- ‘I want you to take me. Uh, with you.’ In which Carolyn says what we’ve all been thinking all along

- ‘God, he did have cute eyebrows.’ Carolyn oh my god ahahaha

- oh my GOD now he’s gently running his hands through her hair to make her go to sleep aaah oh my god oh my g o d

- Oh Sam, no the doctor definitely wants you there!!!!

- THE DOCTOR HAS A BUTTERFLY ROOM AAAAAAH

- That room honestly sounds amazing (hills?? Millions of butterflies just flying around??)

- the Doctor just completely enjoying butterflies flying all around

- and then he just talks to sam and Carolyn while a moth is hanging from his nose ahahah

- Joanna don’t you DARE cut the Doctor’s beautiful locks I swear if you hurt one hair on his head and I mean that literally I will come to you when you’re sleeping and stake you right through the heart

- ‘Just so you can have him pass you test tubes and tell you how brilliant you are’ like in terror of the autons!!

- the doctor has a worried-daddy look hahaha

- “I could succeed in many things, fail in many more, but as long as I've petted the cat I've done everything that really matters.” same

- ahahaha the Doctor just caught a bat in his bare hands and then talked to it in baby talk I’m screaming “Awww,' said the Doctor, scratching the bat under the chin, 'Did the big mean owd wady fwighten you?” And they have names hahahaha Stewart and Jasper

- a Susan mention!!

- love how the doctor just counts the years since his last regeneration as how old he is hahah oh wait so sam and him have been travelling for three years?? cause he met her right after san francisco and he said it’s been three years since his last regeneration OH wait sam also said he goes travelling without her for up to a year when he gets distracted so maybe that’s why

- aaaah he sees himself as sam’s parent

- Oh actually her older brother okay

- “Real trust is as rare and precious as having a cat pay attention to you” eight is a cat person confirmed

- oh my GOD Kramer has to explain to the doctor why all the women flock around him aaah he’s such a useless baby I love him

- okaaaay so Joanna made some new human race - like in new earth

- “Get your ass off that car!' 'Whoah,' said the vampire. He got his ass off the car.”

- NOOOO what about the kittens????

- I’m screaming the Doctor has them all in his coat pockets ahahahahah

- We’re so close to the end now and the Doctor hasn’t been naked yet :(

- wait did the doctor drink or inject himself with the vamp-away???? (that’s an iconic name for it btw)

- aaaah the Doctor eating icecream and getting a chocolate moustache ahahahah

- I love how he always ruffles Sam’s hair

[ghostmartyr]

Hi Immi. I'm new to the fandom--joined around the drop of ch107. Since then there's been a big buzz about historia, regarding her sexuality, her character regressing and her relationship with ymir. i'd seen snk s2 and honestly never occurred to me to ship yumikuri because i hate ships but being on tumblr, well, it's everywhere. I see people get hate on shipping her with males but i'm not sure where i stand. Is she explicitly lesbian? If not then why is it so bad? Is the tumblr fandom just toxic?

Hi.

Uh.

Hell, dude, you pretty much summarized all the reasons I stopped checking the tags. I’m not exactly in the fandom anymore. I do my stuff, but I am actively avoiding mostly everyone, and that’s just because of the immediate aftermath of the chapter. So uh, welcome, I guess, I’m not here.

I answered–well. No, I covered a bit of what I’m going to go over here in my chapter post, aka the unfun section of it. Making this a bit of a rehash, but most things I type are anyway.

The most obvious thing is that people should not be getting hate. That is a general statement, disconnected from anything that’s going on. It is applicable in every fandom, in every situation. Even in the cases where someone is doing something that poses a very real danger, the solution is not sending hate. Sending hate is exactly what it sounds like, and people should behave themselves better.

Where you end up standing on any of this does not make the behavior magically okay.

And again, I basically left the fandom. I have no idea what’s going on, and frankly, I do not want to, so none of this is based on anything that’s happened in the past three weeks.

My perspective on fiction is that it is entirely selfish. People want what they want from it. While I don’t like most of what other people like, the fact that they’re capable of enjoying things should be celebrated. Go them.

That doesn’t mean I think stories are beyond reproach, or what happens in fiction can’t be offensive or damaging.

Fandom is not the same as canon. A personal pet project is very different from something being consumed by millions of people. Fandom currently has a very black and white style of thinking, and so it neglects that difference.

For an easy and relevant example, Kurt and Rachel from Glee getting it on in a fanfic is not equal to it happening in the show. One is someone’s random fantasy, the other, unless it’s handled with the kind of respect Glee has never dealt in, is going to be very inflammatory.

(See: Blaine and Rachel (for different–-but still relevant!-–reasons))

A lot of people do not agree that the difference between fanon and canon is relevant to some of the things people end up enjoying. The reason being that stories never feel that different to the individual experiencing them. Who creates it, or how wide its reach is, is not automatically something that matters to the emotional experience. It will hurt in roughly the same way, so often the argument that one is excusable and the other isn’t is done before it starts.

I’m meandering a little because I do not really know how to handle this delicately. So far this is all just foundational. stuff.

I guess I’ll go with blunt.

yumikuri is a canon romantic bond. Ymir is implied to be a lesbian because one character says she looks like one, Historia is a complete blank slate outside of that relationship because Ymir is her sole love interest.

The status of Historia’s sexuality is that she is romantically interested in Ymir, a girl. That is the entire sum of what the manga’s covered.

107 heavily indicates that Historia is coerced into having sex.

That should never have opened up a discussion into what her sexuality is. Someone being forced into sexual intercourse is indicative of nothing except that they are being forced into it. That is the exact opposite of desire.

Yet it opened the door to people reminding everyone that it is absolutely okay for a character to be bisexual.

That is a true statement.

(Editing in emphasis, because it really is.)

I do not know how to adequately describe why the context makes that statement so tone deaf and infuriating.

The manga has been running for almost ten years. In that time, there has been no indication of Historia having interest in anyone outside of Ymir, a girl. That could cover a lot of different sexualities, and there’s nothing wrong with someone wanting any of them.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t incredibly insulting ways of going about introducing them.

Historia’s first major appearance after her girlfriend is killed off-screen (if you believe that, which all but three people reading this and the person writing this do) is all about forcing her to fuck a guy to make babies.

Even in some hypothetical where her pregnancy is the result of a happy relationship, it would be insulting. As far as we know, it isn’t, so we are dealing with the full brunt of how disrespectful that summation is.

There is this common thing that happens in stories, where you have the gay relationship, one dies, the other lives on to go have a happy life with someone of the opposite sex. The subtext is that this weird one-off sexual thing may have happened, but don’t worry, they’re still normal.

I don’t know how to say that convincingly, because it’s a subtext that I’ve picked up on throughout hundreds of different stories. I don’t know how to cram that history into one post.

Girls liking girls is seen as an aberration, even in stories about liking girls. The relationship will be an exception. The more femme character won’t really like girls, just this one. The concept of a girl liking another girl as a normal facet of her sexuality, which exists outside this relationship, is commonly disregarded, or given to the non-POV partner.

This should be a problem that it’s easy to agree on. Lesbians like girls as a rule. Bisexuals like girls as a rule. Not exclusively, but Likes Girls is still very much a part of the identity (unless we get into discussions of bi covering multiple genders but not necessarily binary ones).

Then there’s fandom.

I can’t count the number of times I have seen the argument that Historia only sees Ymir as a friend. I have been invested in her character and that relationship for five years. Barring the last month, which I don’t want to know about, probably at least once a week, someone would make the case that okay, maybe Ymir likes Historia, but Historia doesn’t like her back.

Many, many times before I left the tags last month, people were saying that Historia’s pregnancy isn’t an LGBT issue, because Historia’s interest in Ymir was never canon.

I get twitchy when people are staunch supporters of her being bisexual. Because as much as I want to trust people, and as much as I know that every marginalized identity is desperate for scraps, the conversation about Historia has always felt like, “it’s important to remember you can’t prove she doesn’t like men.”

When it’s not full on, “it’s important to remember her liking a girl is in your imagination.”

Because she’s the pretty one in the girl on girl couple.

I want her to be gay or ace. Nothing disproves that, but I feel like an idiot for wanting that, because the classically pretty one isn’t going to be a lesbian, and years of consuming anime and manga should have taught me that. Beyond the first sentence, none of that perspective is particularly healthy.

Queer fandom can be really complicated to navigate, because some of the things people want to see–-which are fundamental to their identities, and that’s why they want to see them–-run exactly counter to what other people want to see.

There’s a post from Yuri on Ice fandom that I think encapsulates this. I don’t know the background, or what has been shouted back and forth since I saw it, but here’s the gist. Someone suggests that one of the figure skating gays could be ace. Dozens of people go, “bad post op,” and it’s treated humorously.

Asexual representation sucks. An episode of House, noteworthy for using the word and having someone quote the statistic occurrence of asexuality, ends with one half of an asexual couple having a hormone imbalance, and the other lying about her interest in sex so she could date him.

Yeah.

Gay guys also have a hard time with their sexuality being policed. Holding hands is okay (sometimes), but kissing? Sex? The dirty homosexuals are depraved for enjoying such things. Gay women can have degrading sex because it’s hot.

People want their identities respected.

That is not an unreasonable thing.

What tends to happen on Tumblr is that people forget that they aren’t the only ones being treated like crap. There are layers of pain and anger they bring to every fight, and over and over again, people who should know what that pain is like, and help each other through it, sharpen theirs until they can use it to chop off someone’s head.

107 is insulting in a lot of ways. The aftermath was worse for me. From what little I saw, many people were very eager to say that the part where a queer woman was dealing with a coercive pregnancy shouldn’t be judged for the queer part. Because there are people issues, like war and tragedy, and then social justice issues, which aren’t about people. They don’t really matter in a war story with internment camps and genocide.

I’m being glib, but… that’s what it felt like. That’s what a lot of people I liked shrugged and agreed with.

I want Historia to be a lesbian (or ace), but for right now, we do know she’s queer. That is a part of her character, and it is one that people have been talking over for years. Having post after post reminding everyone that her being queer does not matter to the story? That her being queer is not a lens worthy of being looked through when it’s clearly not about that?

I don’t agree with… basically any of the fandom behavior I’ve seen touching this. I think people should behave themselves better, and treat each other more kindly, and pain is no excuse for bleeding all over everyone.

But where that pain comes from has been repeatedly dismissed, and where it comes from is not insignificant, no matter what route you want canon to go.

…And as far as Historia’s character goes, this is a regression, and the writing should be ashamed of itself. It violates the themes of her arc with such direct intent that it’s painfully easy to believe there’s a twist to it, but for now it’s just infuriating, because the girl who fights fate has been made its tool, and Ymir, aka her love interest, is very relevant to the whole arc where we covered this. 107 is bad and should feel bad, and I am extremely not happy that I think that is exactly the feeling I am intended to have, because being emotionally manipulated is much more annoying when it works.

Hopefully that gives your questions an answer.

[skyfallofcybertron-blog]

Transformers Skyfall: Chapter 2. Invisible Touch.

Cybertron, before the War, had a rigid caste system. Every form had a function, but one couldn't choose what they where sparked into. Minicons might as well have been even further below the lowest tier in the system. More often than not, we where objects. Tools and pets. Animals. Not even Cybertronian. There was a reason why Ravage and Soundwave’s other Deployers had so much to proof.

I was just like any other Deployer back then. I was cold constructed. Massed produced. There was no love forged for my birth. I relied on any affection from my carrier. Yet, in that short time span, I had already experienced what most Minicons would go through. I was bought, loved briefly, then was sold off for a few extra credits. After that, I sold second hand. Swindle did a good job scrubbing my processors clean of my former contacts.

Though, the longer I thought about it, I’m pretty positive that my former family didn’t want me around anymore. I wouldn’t have being in Swindle’s pawn shop if they wanted me.

My next carrier, Calloway, was a sad and old mech. Somebot with way too many credits and nothing to spend it on. I never learned where he got all of it. He was around for the Golden Age. A blacksmith, I believe. The old truck was massive, but was more skittish than a turbo jackrabbit. Never really held me. Let alone carried me. He’s huge servos always just hung out of reach. Like he was afraid of me.

I truly think that Calloway was trying to make me happy with everything he let me do. The old mech shook his little close knit social cycle. That’s for sure. No one at the time was letting Deployers do anything on their own. Let alone something solely for the Deployer’s own enjoyment.

Yet, Calloway let me do it. Calloway let me get an education. A real one. He bought me things. Expensive things. High grade, the latest inlays, decorations, outings, my own personal quarters within his spire of a home. In the end, I had a feeling it was just a longer, more extravagant leash.

I never could ask why he did any of it. Whenever I brought up the subject, he would just wave me off.

“Let an old fool make one more good thing before he flares out.”

Those fires never died out in his chassis they way he wanted them too. They came to end him personally because shortly after my graduation, war finally came to the streets of Cybertron. One by one, the cities around Iacon flickered out with the Decepticons advances. I was hidden in a cabinet while I watched Calloway’s spark was snuffed from existence.

The old mech was indeed a fool. He refused a order from Starscream himself.

Starscream wanted him to join the ‘Cons. To work and create more for the army. Weapons, I think. It was always weapons with Starscream.

I think Starscream really just wanted Calloway’s forge.

Starscream did get his forge. His Seekers tore Calloway’s home apart. Stole whatever they could get their collective talons on. The smug bastard just stood and preened as he let his goons work. It didn’t take long for them to realize that Calloway wasn’t living alone. To be fair, I also shouldn’t have blasted out of the cabinet. The internal screaming of my processors telling me to run was in greater control than the possibility of being murdered if I fled.

I was caught. No slag there. One lone minicon drone is not much of match a whole flock of Seekers. Starscream took personal amusement out of my thrashing and screaming. I must have looked so foolish to the Air Commander. As if my protests would actually harm any of his squad. I became just another tool for the ‘Cons to pillage. The only good thing that happened that day was that I was paired with Night Glide. I haven’t left his side ever since.

Night Glide now worked for the Badgeless. Police force isn’t quite the words describe it. They weren’t hired goons either. They could work outside the restriction of the law to keep the peace on the streets. That doesn’t sound good either. To be fair, most of the general public didn’t like how it sounded too. The Badgeless, more often than not, where just as corrupt as Metroplex’s actual police force. Nobody liked them. No one, other than me. Obviously. People liked to point that out to me a lot.

“I’m just saying,” I raised my voice a little higher over the noise of the bar. Maccadam’s was as busy as ever. Blurr was, well, a blur keeping up with orders. Though, he wasn’t struggling in anyway. The Ex-Autobot found his new talent in mixing drinks. The mech pretty much manned the bar alone. He must have saved Maccadam a fortune. “If the Badgeless and the police clean out their ranks, we won’t have the fights on the streets as much.”

“You have a screw loose, Sky.” Blurr joked.

Slug nodded in agreement, “Bots are all kinds of messed up now. You saw it first hand with that mech yesterday. War does that to people.”

I hummed softly.

That grounder from the checkpoint was still on my mind. He wasn’t a combatant. He wasn’t even from Cybertron. I read up his file later that night. He was trying to immigrate from Carcer. He wanted to rebuild. Just as much as I do. Though, if I pointed that out to Slug right now; his fair argument would still be pretty valid. The War did mess up a lot of mech and femmes. I couldn’t really argue with that.

So, I instead sat up a little straighter from my perch of stacked data pads to take a sip of my drink out of a curly straw. Being thankful I wasn’t the strangest sight in the room.

Maccadam’s attracted all sorts. Be it ‘Bot, ‘Con, flyer, groundpounder, dinosaur or bug. It was nice to not feel so out of place for once. Minicons both stuck out and blended in with the crowd. Small enough to go unnoticed. Yet, the smaller you where on Cybertron, bots would stop and stare.

I decided to let Blurr and Slug continue on with the conversation which somehow morphed into someone joining an axe throwing competition. I didn’t quite catch who was throwing axes and at what. Or how that, of all things, came out of police brutality. Yet, it was always a challenge to follow any conversation Blurr was having. He did everything fast.

I chatted with (fat) Tanker instead. He was a little rough around the edges, but we were both ‘Cons. We had a mutual understanding over that.

However, all the air was stucked out of the room like an air lock once the door opened and my carrier stood at the top of the stairs. Night Glide was still in his deep gray Badgeless uniform. The orange glass from the helmet was tucked neatly under his arm as he scanned the room.

Despite having every optic in the room locked onto him, Night Glide kept his helm and his wings held high. A Seeker’s way to show he was in control. However, for grounders, it came off as arrogant. Even something as simple as body language was a huge difference between us and them.

Blurr went to say something, but for once, I bet him to the punch.

“Hey, sweetspark. Is everything ok?” I asked as he descended down the stairs to join us at the bar.

“There was a bomb that was set off in the Blacklight Mall. I’m here to take you home and-”

“Not be dealing with a bomb threat?” Blurr cut in anyways.

Night Glide’s red optics locked onto the blue Autobot. Like an animal about to kill its prey. I scrabble from my mountain of old magazines to the bar top. Wedging myself in between the two mechs.

“Night Glide, he’s-”

“Blurr, was it?” Night Glide said, “Ah, yes, I remember Commander Starscream speaking about you. He said that you liked running your mouth as much as your tires.”

Blurr leaned over the counter. He hissed, “I might like spinning my wheels, Badgeless, but at least I do my job.”

“Whoa! Ok!” I flare my wings wide before transforming. I flew around my carrier’s helm a few times, sputtering quickly, “Yes, thank you, Glide. I appreciate you taking me home. Thank you.”

I made a point of making that thank you as loud as possible. I zipped over to Blurr and circled around him. Luckily for me, Minicons are built with their own wifi signal. I paid for my drinks.

“And thank you, Blurr,” I said, “for the service tonight. Drinks were excellent as always.”

I flew back to Night Glide’s side and added, “We all should be careful going home tonight. Right?”

I got a halfhearted response from my drinking buddies. It was better than nothing I supposed. It wasn’t like I could force them to like Night Glide. None of them knew him like I did and he didn’t care to give them the time of day. The War for Cybertron may have been over. The battle with my social life wasn’t.

My carrier’s chestplate slid open. I popped inside.

As Night Glide disappeared back up the stairs; I could hear Slug mutter how he couldn't see what I saw in him. I’m sure that Glide did too. I sent my carrier a soft ping to ease him. He pinged back. I shifted in my compartment as the Seeker transformed and raced into the skyline.

“Blurr didn’t mean it.”

“No. He did.”

“Are you off duty at least?”

“Yes, of course. I wouldn’t abandon my post. You know that.”

“Blurr would know that too if you came out with me more…” I said aloud.

I was going to keep that to myself, but being integrated to Night Glide at the moment; he would know. I felt the Seeker make a gentle bank. He hummed in thought.

“Maccadam’s is not for me, my love.”

“I know… I just want you to meet some of my friends. That’s all. I can talk about you until the Knights come home, but…”

“But I’m still Starscream’s ped licker.”

“No. That’s not what I meant.”

“You were thinking it.”

I sighed softly, “Yeah, maybe…”

There was a beat of radio silence between the two of us. I felt Night Glide transform once again; landing cleanly on our balcony. Once I heard his heeled peds click on the concrete, I let myself out. I stood on his outstretched forearm. It was the only way I could meet him optic to optic. Said optics where dim with a long days work. It didn’t seem fair to me. Night Glide worked so hard to keep the peace and no one cared.

I took his faceplates in my tiny servos to gently thumb his cheeks. The Seeker gave me weak, albeit happy smile. I couldn’t help, but to return the favor.

“I’ll try…” Night Glide finally spoke, “I’ll try again with your friends. If it would you happy, Skyfall.”

I felt my smile only grow brighter. I hadn’t been more proud of my carrier.

[fallout-fallen-knight]

#1-#10 and #12-20 for your courier 😺✨

Oh my gosh this is so many! I’ll try to do the best I can.

1. Faction: Technically she’s aligned with Yes-Man, but she’s Followers all the way. She’s too optimistic and idealistic to be anything else.

2. Preferred Armor: she can use power armor after getting training from Judah Kreger, but after it broke down in the Big MT, she chooses not to. Right now, her “uniform” is Mobius’s Labcoat and the Gannon Power Helmet. I really like how they look together, it gives off a “Rocketeer” vibe. (Sorry for no pictures, I’ll try to get some as soon as she’s out of the Sierra Madre)

3. Weapon type: she’s a pacifist except when absolutely necessary, at which point she uses Energy Weapons.

4. Highest Skills: she’s a talented doctor and scientist, meaning that Medicine and Science are her highest skills. She also has a high speech skill (it was the only way to recruit Arcade), although this often translates to “says endearing things that make people like her” rather than the typical smooth talker. During OWB, she upped her stealth skill in order to better avoid robodogs, nightstalkers, and lobotomites, at least until she got the Stealth Suit. She’s working on Survival and Repair in the Sierra Madre right now. Her lowest are Barter and Guns.

5. SPECIAL: S 6 P 9 E 7 C 6 I 10 A 4 L 6

6. (Important) Perks: Cherchez la Femme, Big Brained, Comprehension, Computer Whiz, Educated, Four Eyes, Good Natured, Swift Learner, Lessons Learned. Obviously that’s not all of them but it’s the ones that matter most to her character.

7. Companions: She’s very close with Arcade, Veronica, and Christine, and loves her pets/robot friends Rex and Ed-E. God gets on her nerves, but she pities him more than anything else. Dean’s a bastard, but he’s a useful bastard, and so she deals with him and tries to stay in his good graces.

8. Relationships: No romantic partners, no. Most women aren’t interested in a gal covered in someone else’s blood, and the ones who would be are usually disinterested when they learn that the other person is still alive. She did harbor a mini-crush on Veronica when they first met, but that stopped cold when they first talked about Christine.

9. Demographics: white lesbian.

10. She was born and raised in Freeside, helping her mother in and around the Old Mormon Fort. They had a small apartment near Mick and Ralph’s.

12. I’m going to modify this question, and answer “How did the courier affect her?”. To that end, I don’t think she ever wanted a bigger life than a Wasteland medic, because a) it suited her and b) she knew she was doing real good in the Mojave. But when she was mistaken for the courier and saw what House was planning, she realized she had to step up and do what had to be done, for the good of the Mojave.

13. How did she deal with Benny: regrettably, she had to abandon him in the Fort, as there was no way for her and Arcade to fight their way out. It’s entirely possible that decision will come back to bite her eventually.

14. NCR/Legion rep: I think by this point she’s certainly a blip on their radars, especially the Legion, considering she visited their leader’s camp. She was stationed at Camp Golf briefly as a medic, but they haven’t connected the dots of her former life to her current. Besides that, her only direct interaction with the NCR thus far has been fixing the solar panels at Helios One and creating a redundancy in case the dam fell. Once she returns from the Sierra Madre, though, she’s going to start forging alliance across the Mojave, and that’s going to get their attention.

15. Freeside Rep: to them, Sophia is a shining example of what a kid from Freeside can grow up to become. The Kings all love her, especially after stopping a war between the gang and the NCR and fixing the King’s robo-dog. Mick and Ralph watched her grow up and always give her discounts on whatever she needs. Even the Garetts and the Van Graffs admire her from afar, and she often buys ammo for her weapons from the Silver Rush. And obviously, she’s in very good graces with the Followers of the Apocalypse.

16. Goodsprings/Novac/Primm Rep: not a lot, honestly. She stopped in and fixed Johnson Nash’s broken down eyebot for him, but other than, she doesn’t visit them very often.

17. Minor faction Rep: she actually hasn’t met any of the factions besides the Khans yet. While recovering at the Old Mormon Fort from her adventures in the Big MT, she discovered that the Followers had helped the Khans in the past, which encouraged her to reforge the alliance. She’s never interacted with the Brotherhood directly, only with its agents: Veronica, Christine, and Father Elijah, which has given her a … mixed reaction. I think she’ll like the Boomers once she gets to know them; they’re good people if a little weaponry-obsessed. The Gangers can rot.

18. NV Strip Rep: House isn’t fond of Sophia, but his opinion doesn’t matter much anymore. After installing Cachino in charge of the Omertas, she’s made sure that they won’t make any trouble with her. The Chairmen vaguely recognize her as “that doll that made Benny wig out and disappear” but don’t really know much beyond that. She knows something is up with the White Gloves, but she can’t figure it out. And the NCR Military Police are a little uneasy about the new faces on all the Securitrons, but they haven’t let it bother them yet.

19. Motives: originally, she just wanted to stop House out of fear that he would use the newly-upgraded Securitrons to take over Freeside. But she quickly realized that a power vacuum on that scale would only lead to the collapse of New Vegas and the surrounding area, allowing either Caesar or the NCR to move in and take over. Her ideal government is a loose syndicate of mutually-cooperating communities, with a newly-assertive Yes Man to defuse situations, using Securitrons if necessary. The NCR is welcome to remain in the Mojave, but they have to leave the greater New Vegas area alone and stop conquering absorbing communities - if they want to make a nation, they have to do it themselves. The Legion can, again, rot.

20. Theme song: I think there’d be a different one for each period of her story. (Note: not all of these are period correct, but I tried to fit the Old West vibe). When she’s just a wasteland medic, I think Ain’t That A Kick In the Head by Dean Martin fits her outlook on life and optimistic personality. From her trip to the Fort to just after assembling the Enclave Remnants, Short Change Hero by the Heavy fits how she’s panicky and suddenly realizes the enormity of her place in the Wasteland, even though she doesn’t want it. Throughout the Big MT, Devil at the Door by the Highlonesome encapsulates how she feels: scared, alone, surrounded by enemies and an expendable pawn for greater beings. But once she gets her brain back from Mobius and realizes the truth of why she was brought to the Big MT, her theme song changes to The World Ender by Lord Huron as she comes back from the brink of death and despair to become an unstoppable juggernaut of revenge, tearing down first the Think Tank, then tracking Elijah and Christine to the Sierra Madre to find out who Elijah is and then kick his ass for putting a bomb collar on her and Christine. If there’s another theme song for post-Dead Money, I haven’t found it yet.

Thanks for all the questions OP! It was really fun to think of answers to all of these.

[sayonaramidnight]

@grumpy-jedi replied to your post: I’ve been having some kind of PoE meltdown...

Tell us about those NPCs! :D

I don’t have much info on them, but I’ll try my best, cause I like them ;)

(I remade them in Deadfire, because it has a nice dollmaker + multiclassing <3)

Icta the loremaster

Icta used to run a well-prospering magic shop in Aedyr until her dishonest competitors hired some thugs to burn it down and end her business. Thanks to her protective spells she managed to save a few most valuable books and potions and then set off to the Dyrwood in hope for starting her business over. On her way to Defiance Bay she stopped by Caed Nua... and didn’t leave. Her goods piqued the interest of the thaynu, so they haggled for a while and in the end Sora asked Icta to manage the Caed Nua library, which was in dire need for many, many more valuable and interesting books. And Icta accepted the offer.

They constantly argue about acquiring new books, because Icta is quite stingy thrifty where Sora is extravagant, but they usually can work out a compromise. They also argue about Sora’s non-existent love life, for Icta wishes a safe and steady relationship for her lady and plays a match-maker sometimes (unsuccessfully).

She’s friends with all the merchants in Caed Nua, especially the fellow dwarven lady from the curio shop. She’s afraid of fire and refuses to use her chanter skills, because she has a singing voice of a toad. She also keeps chasing all the pets away from the library, but secretly loves them all and would kill for them.

Devin the swashbuckler

A bit of a brigand, a bit of a blade for hire, Devin was quick to change the company and the place to live every time he was bored. His last gang was disrupted near Caed Nua by Sora’s troops and he himself was imprisoned right after Icta recognized him as one of the thugs who destroyed her shop. He never confessed to that crime (claimed not to remember all of his dirty jobs), but Sora had him work up for that anyway. So now he’s one of the mercs at the keep, except he works for free.

He holds resentment for both those who fear his kind and the other kinds of godlike, especially the pretty ones. Like Sora. Yup, he often tells her she has no right to be salty, because at least she looks pretty. However, when asked about his own past, he refuses to elaborate.

He seems to have a crush on Llira.

Llira the “priestess”

When this pale elf stood at the gate of Caed Nua in the middle of the night, claiming to be a priestess of Wael on a quest for true wisdom, the thaynu personally welcomed her with tea and a conversation. However, Llira was actually a con artist who was trying to run away from the law’s long arm and figured that pretending to be a priestess of Wael would be the easiest way - all it takes is talk as cryptic as possible, right? Wrong. Sora quickly  saw through her, but was too amused with her efforts to expose her. In the end Llira became a frequent guest in the keep... and on her way to priesthood, whether she wanted it or not.

She tells a different story every time she’s asked about her past - and tries to make all the stories as entertaining as possible. All that's known for sure is that she used to have a partner in crime, but never reveals what happened to her.

She also enjoys playing a match-maker for Sora, but unlike Icta she does it just for fun.

Setri the hierophant

An orphaned orlan boy who used to be a wizards’s apprentice/pet. The wizard was quite an asshole though, so Setri trained his cipher skills in secret, until he finally used them to ‘persuade’ his master to let him go. Afterwards he was just straying for some time, not used to be on his own. Sora and her team met him soon after claiming Caed Nua and both Grieving Mother (oh no, a lonely child!) and Edér (oh yes, fluffy!) insisted on keeping him. It was quite a challenge for Sora, who’s never been good with children, but Setri was a clever kid and one of the few people who could remember Grieving Mother, so she decided to take care of him, if only for a while. Later she sent him to the Dunryd Row, so he could have a proper cipher training, but he became another frequent guest in the keep

He survived the riots and currently works hard to have the Dunryd Row rebuilt..

Safina the celebrant

Another regular in the keep, an elderly Vailian performer who was famous in her youth for playing femme fatales on stage and later became a traveller who sings songs, tells stories and praises Hylea wherever she goes. She’s a very warm and cheerful and motherly person who has no tragic backstory and just doesn’t want to retire yet.

She never married, because there was way too many attractive guys around to choose only one.

She’s best friends with the Steward of Caed Nua and they often share gossip and laugh together.

[loudlytransparenttrash]

Women’s Convention

Did you guys hear about the recent Women’s Convention in Detroit? It was a Planned Parenthood sponsored gathering of “thousands of women, femmes and allies” which promised to rally and support all women regardless of “gender expression” and “immigration status.” Though as expected, white, pro-life, conservative or women who don’t bathe in victimhood weren’t so welcome. 

Abortion was a big focus of the convention, but as this was a leftist event, any important or real issue quickly dissolved into discussions about perpetuating racism, a lack of diversity, white guilt and a disturbing obsession with vaginas.

The idea of killing and disposing of your baby being a woman’s right and an empowering feminist cause boggles the mind of those who are familiar with the original goals of both feminism and Planned Parenthood. Even when the most un-feminist act of abortion became popularized and encouraged by the new wave of radical feminists in the 60s and 70s, Planned Parenthood’s mantra was to keep abortion “Safe, Legal, and Rare.” Only one of these remain true today.

In one panel, a six-time post-abortive woman stated that “Abortion should be no different than having a tooth pulled.” She even said women should throw “abortion parties” the day they have an abortion and rent “party buses” to celebrate. Another woman on the panel said Planned Parenthood should stop saying abortion is “only three percent of their services” and they should be proud and not try to hide that the “majority of what they do in the clinics is to provide abortions.” At least they’re honest when no conservatives are around.

Presenters at the convention said multiple times, “There is no place for (pro-life) beliefs in the feminist movement.” They are genuinely scared of pro-life feminists because the left have never been great at handling their pets who don’t play along and instead equip themselves with facts and logic. They pounded this line over and over again - you must be a faithful supporter of abortion to be a feminist. To them, killing off millions of females in the womb is totally pro-woman. Being able to exploit women’s fears of not being strong or sensible enough to be a parent is totally empowering. 

The abortion discussion then spiralled into lectures on race and how penises make a gal every bit of a woman as having a vagina. One of the sessions was entitled, “Not all pussies are pink and not all women have pussies.” Women were walking around wearing their handmade pink “pussy hats,” which oddly goes against their crusades against the color pink and vaginas representing women, and Rose McGowan recycled the lame Women’s Marchers’ favorite slogan, declaring to the audience that her pussy does indeed “grab back.”

These morons have no idea what being a woman is all about. They have reduced themselves to a body part and dumb, repetitive slogans and nothing more. The presenters reminded the attendees over and over again of the bigotry of assuming pronouns, so during every speaker’s introduction, they announced the pronouns the speaker “preferred,” which is usually just their already-existing pronoun. “Hi, my name is Mary, and my pronouns are she and her.” Whoa, a female prefers to be called she and her, and here I was drowning in bigotry for assuming such a thing.

Then the white shame became the focus. Basically, they wanted you to understand that if you are white woman, you are wrong and you need to feel guilty about being white. You should feel very, very sorry about it. This racial division at the conference was evident from the beginning, just as it’s become paramount throughout colleges and every other left-wing ran institution. After all, one of the major sessions was called “Confronting White Womanhood.” 

Another evident observation was almost every speaker at the convention was a non-white woman, yet the overwhelming majority of attendees were white women, ready to take their orders and start shedding their revolting whiteness in order to say sorry for being slave owners and native killers. They talked a lot about unity but they made the point no such progress can be made until white women admit every achievement or success in her life is due to her skin tone and every failure and misfortune of non-whites is also because of her skin tone. 

True to leftist form, once you dig a little under the surface, something as wonderful, inclusive and welcoming as a Women’s Convention was quickly narrowed down to a tiny, itty umbrella of acceptance. These feminists are undermining their own mission of women marching in solidarity by excluding any woman who thinks differently. These Women’s Conventions, Women’s Marches and Days Without Women, which claims to speak for and cater for all women, specifically promotes and supports only those who toe the party line. 

Laudable goals to improve and protect lives should be attacked from all angles. The whole country should to be included in these conversations. Opposition to the Democrat’s agenda does not mean white supremacy and fascism and Nazism is on the rise, it means the other half of the country simply want to be included in deciding our future. Feminism and events such as this convention fail to realize how their goal of wiping out anything they don’t like, whether it’s babies, “whiteness” or facts, isn’t as empowering and cool to women as they want it to be. They have no idea how truly out of touch they are. 

[lastsonlost]

BITCH YOU AIN’T WORTH PAYING ATTENTION.

‘please pay J—– and K—- for their labor, preferably over 30$. The community is watching you and holding you accountable’

Students at Sarah Lawrence College, a posh, private liberal arts college in New York consistently ranked one of the most expensive colleges in the nation, recently called on peers and others to pay female campus activists for their “emotional labor.”

A Facebook post that went viral among the campus community listed 17 Venmo accounts belonging to Sarah Lawrence College students, most of whom were students of color.

It was posted once on March 26 on Facebook in honor of Women’s History Month, then reposted in April as students exchanged heated words on Facebook over a campus controversy.

“In honor of Women’s History Month, and the labor that women and femmes of color do for Sarah Lawrence every month of the year,” the post states, then lists the student Venmo accounts. Venmo is a payment service app. The post, which includes a brightly colored poster declaring “Give your $ to Women & Femmes of Color,” was inspired by the #GiveYourMoneyToWomen hashtag created by prominent feminists.

It became fierce fodder for students the second time it was posted as they debated on Facebook a student’s release of her pet snake on campus. The student has claimed she was only given an hour by campus officials to get rid of the baby python, which she had purchased for therapeutic reasons. She told peers that, in a panic, she let it loose into the wilds of Sarah Lawrence near a student dorm by the North Lawn.

As word spread that a python was slithering around the school, it prompted students in droves to weigh in online on the controversy.

But then some students expressed anger that their peers appeared more upset about a python on the loose, as well as another controversy regarding a popular tree on campus slated for removal, than racism and alleged hate crimes at the school, which costs $65,550 annually in tuition and other fees.

“How about we talk about the systemic racism, poor treatment of laborers, sexual assaults, anti-Muslim hate crimes … ?” one student of color chimed in. A discussion about white students’ lack of interest in problems facing minorities ensued.

One poster added: “The issue that people talked abt the snake+ tree extensively but completely ignored the hate crimes against black+ Muslim students earlier this year…there’s a v clear issue in priorities here and it needs to be addressed?? No one’s saying that everyone shd never talk abt the snake its just ridiculous that people can do that but can’t be bothered to say a word abt the racism very present on campus.”

This tenuous suggestion steadily gained traction despite the fact that Sarah Lawrence is known as a progressive, tolerant institution. For instance, last year the Princeton Review ranked Sarah Lawrence as the number one most LGBTQ friendly school in the nation. This year, during election season, one film professor let his class out early to attend the hoisting of a Black Lives Matter banner on campus.

But soon the Facebook thread descended into talk of paying peers.

A student reposted the “Give your $ to Women & Femmes of Color” in the snake thread, saying: “Also since W&FOC are still using our emotional labor to discuss this as nobody gives a shit about the systemic problems at this school, give your $$$.”

Comments under that post got more heated, as two students in particular were tapped as deserving of payment for services rendered: “PAY THEM BOTH! SERIOUSLY EVERYONE PAY BOTH … NOW!”

The tone of the posts became increasingly fraught and the content progressively more vitriolic. One poster wrote:

“A— A———, you are a FUCKING. HORRIBLE. PERSON. BITCH. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU. AT ALL. GOOD. I HOPE U CRY INTO UR PILLOW AT NIGHT LIKE Y’ALL MAKE WOMEN DO EVERYDAY. I HOPE U QUESTION UR REALITY AND I HOPE U CHECK BEHIND U WHEN U WALK PLACES”

Finally, the same poster insisted: “please pay J—– and K—- for their labor, preferably over 30$. The community is watching you and holding you accountable.”

Two other students were also tagged: “Pay up. Pay Money. Pay ur money. Ur money isn’t urs. You’re both assholes. Pay K—- and J— at least $30.”

The incident became widely referred to at Sarah Lawrence as “#Snakegate,” complete with memes. Eventually the topic steadily began to lose popularity among students. Rumors of the snake being sighted on campus persisted, but many agree it likely died out in the cold.

Campus officials declined to comment on the issue.

[black-strike-otp]

part 94

I’m delirious and require sleep. Also go play this while reading just cuz the song’s title: Shockwave’s Revenge

The aura surrounding Shockwave’s lair left a haze of shrouded evil. It was no darker or lighter than the majority of Cybertron. The lighting was similar to what the Nemesis had; dark hues of purple filtering in every direction which did provide an eerie appearance.

What stood out the most though was the feel in the surroundings. Like a haunted house, it was deathly silent. Walls were riddled with scratches from unknown sources. Untold fights perhaps; or patients struggling for escape. The upper floor almost looked normal other than these strange observations.

Lying about was some worthless supplies left sitting from pre and post war. It appeared much like any other warehouse on Cybertron before the majority were collapsed from the constant strife upon the planet. Much of the building’s few windows had long since been busted out, leaving stray glass on the floor just as much as there was dust.

“Doesn’t look like much,” Blackout testified as he looked around. “Where’s the entry into the lower levels?”

“This way,” a feminine voice chimed.

He shifted his optics over to Venus as she spoke while passing by him. There was a natural sensual sway to her hips as she walked. Hurrying by, the dark rose accented femme disappeared past some of the crates and out of sight.

Novastrike cleared her vocalizer. One of her pedes tapped on the floor as she looked up to him with her helm lowered so that it appeared she was glaring up at him.

“What?”

“I saw you looking.”

“She was speaking to me,” he stated gruffly, offering a slight smile. “And I thought you said you weren’t jealous.”

“Her optics aren’t attached to her hips,” the little femme scoffed.

“I was only watching her walk by to see where she was going,” Blackout defended, his grin growing more crafty as he added on, “But if you feel the urge to stroll ahead to prove a point, I wouldn’t mind enjoying the view a bit.”

Light faded in and out of Novastrike’s ears in a blinking rush of light as she huffed, shaking her helm. The softened blue light emitting from her optics met his fearless scarlet as she quirked a smile of disbelief.

“We’re in a crazy scientist research area, and you’re flirting with me?”

“I live on the edge.”

“By the Allspark, I love you and your dumb hi-jinks.”

Bowing his helm deeply with respect, Blackout’s tone grated as he spook deep in his chassis, “And I love you too, Novastrike.”

“Alright lady’s mech,” Nova sighed deeply as she pivoted on her heel, “let’s get a move on before Venus ditches us. We still need to gather materials to manufacture a transmitter if we’re lucky and the others who vouched to help make our case manage to convince them.”

Stalking behind the little femme, Blackout quietly rattled off in a grumpy tone, “Worst case scenario: we need to find blueprints ourselves on how to build the intergalactic transmitter.”

The quiet melody of Novastrike’s laughter had him grinning like a moron as he took large strides to keep up with the covert femmes darting ahead of him like streaks of lightning. He never had to be the fastest mech with his size; taking large gaits between each step, but they put him to shame even with his usual brisker pace.

Once the obsidian giant had joined the two down a short set of stairs into the lower level, there was nothing in sight but further cargo. With a menacing growl of annoyance, the mammoth sized mech strode further into the small basement dwelling area. Shockwave must have taken great care into concealing his lab, because nothing here stood out as looking particularly alarming. The coverage of this space wasn’t even a tenth of the upstairs size.

He turned his gaze over to Novastrike quizzically after a moemnt. She was looking back to him expectedly and gave a slight inclination of her helm over to Venus. The taller femme was busy pushing some boxes out of the way of the wall. Digging her digits along the seams that made up two panes of metal of the wall, a small section popped up to reveal a button beneath it.

Raising an optic ridge, Blackout stepped over to join the two femmes as Venus pressed the button. Further metal pieces of the wall moved; transforming and peeling to the side to reveal a large elevator platform with guard rails surrounding all but the entry point for bots to walk on.

“You’re telling me Shockwave brought that giant Predacon up on this thing?” Blackout stated with a wave of a servo to the elevator. From the size of it, it didn’t appear as though it could hold half the size of that beast.

“I don’t know,” the assassin stated, placing a single servo to her hip. “This is the only entrance I know of. There could be another one with a larger lift of some sort to get the Predacon up here. I’ve never seen that creature before, but then again, the last time I was here was years ago the one time to save ‘Cade.”

“I would imagine seeing something like that would be hard to forget,” Novastrike quietly reasoned.

Venus gave a brief laugh, nodding her helm.

Both femmes boarded the landing first. It creaked uneasily even beneath their weight. Passing a glance to one another, they turned to look up at Blackout as he tentatively placed a pede on the elevator. Primus, he prayed this thing was operational and not a ploy or no longer functional piece of scrap that was going to send them hurtling who knew how many floors down.

To his surprise and relief, the metal groaned beneath his weight a moment and bounced before settling. Blackout rigidly remained still as Venus offered him a smile that suggested nerves. She gave a brief nod to him, realizing he wasn’t going to move further onto the platform, and reached over to a short stand anchored to the floor. Upon it was two arrows that would lower them down or raise the platform.

Pressing it, they began to slowly plunge into complete darkness down the shaft.

“How many floors are there, and how many do we need to go do?” the black outline in the darkness rumbled.

“I went down to the first level below the top one to fetch Barricade,” Venus stated. “That’s where the call room was too, probably since the radio equipment is hidden somewhere outside nearby I’d imagine. You wouldn’t good reception if it was much lower I think.”

Blackout nodded his helm. “No idea on the amount of floors, then?”

“I know there’s at least one below the one we’ll be going on,” she ventured slowly. “But I don’t know what’s down there.”

“We don’t need to find out,” the smaller femme nervously whispered.

A comforting smile moved across Blackout’s faceplate as he turned his optics upon Novastrike. With his optics transitioning into a night vision filter to better see in the void of blindness, he could make out her figure but mostly, the sight of her glowing brilliant optics of cobalt, teal, and aqua drew him in.

She smiled in return, and although he couldn’t make out her appearance nearly as well as she could his, he could see the way her mood shifted in the tones of her optics and the partial shutter they underwent as they brightened. It was such minimal alterations. Subtle, but he picked up on them and found himself smiling so wide it was nearly painful.

“Maybe where he had been keeping his Predacon pet?” Venus offered.

“Could be,” he agreed, forcing himself to look over to Venus and meet her gaze. “But Novastrike’s right. We don’t need to stay here longer than necessary gathering materials. It would just jeopardize the mission and make Barricade more nervous waiting for us.”

“Believe me, I don’t plan on spending a nanoklik in here longer than I have to,” seethed the taller femme.

They dropped further into the mad mech’s hideout in silence. After another thirty or so nanokliks, light suddenly splashed in, causing everyone to squint as the lift clunked and clanked its way down to the next level.

Venus released the down button. With optics readjusting to the new white and florescent blend of illuminated lights, Blackout took a step back and off the stand slowly. It recoiled and bounced once again, raising up a bit as he removed his weight entirely by stepping off from it completely.

Venus vented quietly as she strolled casually off after him. Reaching out, she patted his shoulder as she walked by and continued marching down the hall before them.

In a flash of white, Novastrike was off and by his pede. The spooked femme shuddered slightly, rubbing the upper region of her arms as she went to shuffle beside him as he turned and began to follow after Venus.

The majority of the chambers they passed had sealed and locked doors. Behind them, chilling moans and groans seeped through. The quiet scratching of digits against some of them added to the unease. Pedes shuffled, but weren’t quite shuffling. Thuds and thumps of varying weights moved around. Somewhere, deeper in this lab, a distant delirious gurgling screaming was carrying.

Novastrike’s digits brushed against his leg. Blackout nearly jumped. He wouldn’t admit to having been spooked openly, but he hadn’t been inspecting the gesture. Glancing down to the little femme, he could read the terror in her stance alone though she wasn’t looking to him. Her helm whipped one way and the another as she restlessly looked around.

“Everything alright, dear?” he rumbled, trying to keep his voice down.

“Too much,” she barely answered.

Raising an optic ridge, he waited until Nova raised her helm up to him. Her face was written in horror, and tears glittered in her optics. Short and brief heavy vents filtered in and out of her frame rapidly.

He instantly came to a halt.

“Nova, I can take you out-”

“No,” she insisted in a breathless monotone. “Let’s just hurry. I can’t take the sensory overload. There’s so much wrong with this place.”

It was startling to witness her rubbing at her optics as the tears formed and collected along the rims of her optics. With a concerned warble emitting from his chassis as his spark chimed a soft, hardly audible collection of reverberating notes, Blackout reached down to scoop up the small femme with guilt. He should have asked her to stay outside with Barricade to keep watch rather than bring her down here with her. He hadn’t even considered how her heightened senses would take everything down here.

Blackout pressed his collected bundle against his chassis. A quiet hum moved through his armor as he looked down the hall. His optics awkwardly met Venus’. With a nervous jerk of his helm, he looked away as he took large steps to meet her where she had stopped. All the while his digits curled protectively over Novastrike’s armor; tighter than necessary but far from being damaging.

Venus made a silent gesture to his servos as she raised an optic ridge questioningly. When he didn’t reply and hardly met her optics, she offered a caring but worried smile and continued down their path.

“How much further to the call room?” he echoed in a coarse manner.

“It’s just ahead,” the cerise highlighted femme stated.

Walking by one of the rooms, a loud band caused Venus to jump slightly. She muttered a curse beneath her breath, shaking her helm as they passed it. The shivers that erupted from Novastrike had Blackout trying to calm her as best he could. Heat basked off of his armor as he pressed her a bit closer, hurrying a bit more than usual after the other femme.

The call room didn’t have a door. They slipped in with ease, and Venus jutted out a digit with relief.

“There!” she exclaimed brightly, passing a cheeky grin to Blackout. “Told you I could find what you were looking for.”

“Grab anything else you think looks valuable,” he stated, looking around with a nod. “I’ll fetch the capacitors and see what other functioning parts he may have. We’ll be needing a power supply which shouldn’t be hard to get here or elsewhere, amplifiers, an electronic oscillator, modulator, and a bunch of other slag. I could care less if you wreck the place gutting it, just make sure anything that looks remotely useful or worthy of trading is salvaged.”

Keeping an impressive poker face, Venus slowly answered in kind, “Blackout, I’d like to remind you that I’ve managed just fine on this planet with eons. Part of getting by is knowing to look at something and even if you don’t know what it is, judging it’s worth and expense.”

He offered an apologetic gesture with one servo in a sweeping gesture to her before cupping it back around Novastrike. The assassin gave a slight nod to him, dashing on the other end of the room as he stomped over the open and massive circuit board missing a panel.

Blackout faltered in front of the opened access control board. He shifted his optics down to himself to his servos. Through his digits, he could just barely make out slivers of white.

He unfurled his cage from around the little femme. She created a brief noise of fear.

“I’m sorry, dear,” the obsidian mech quietly murmured. “I’m going to need to carry this stuff. Will you be okay on my shoulder?”

Novastrike gave a small nod, lurching slightly as she pressed digits over her mouth as she resisted the urge to vomit.

“I’m sorry,” she hoarsely mumbled.

“Don’t be,” he softly whispered, brushing his digits along her ears as he offered her a smile. “You’ve nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry I dragged you down here.”

She mumbled something incoherent that he couldn’t make out. With a frown etching into his expression, the titan curved a single servo around his femme and raised her up to slip on his shoulder. Novastrike nestled against his armor and low under the kibble so that she was hardly visible. He could feel her face close against his neck, and the ragged breaths she huffed against him.

Servos free, he reached out in the circuit board and started to disassemble it. He couldn’t risk damaging any of the equipment, so took care with his large digits in pulling wires out from their sources and disconnecting components. It was tedious, but he didn’t rush himself as he unplugged and divided areas accordingly. For the life of him, he hoped some bot knew what half this stuff was, because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to reconnect these dozens of wires himself into a new mechanism.

With a gentle tug as he rocked the circuitboard back and forth, he removed the entire section along with the capacitor. It had to be about a fourth of his height in total lengthwise. Balancing it carefully in his grip, Blackout turned around to see Venus holding a mixmatched sum of loot in her arms and some equipment and cables draped over her shoulders.

Looking him up and down, the femme spoke frankly: “Do you really think you’re going to need that whole piece?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “But I’d rather regret not taking all of it and miss something than just take the capacitor. I can tell there’s an amplifier here, so that’s one thing, but beneath the rest of this mess of circuits it’s difficult to tell.”

“Rip open the rest of the paneling and check,” she urged.

Torn between wanting to take the one thing they did have and leaving with their prize and wanting to complete the job, Blackout vented. He tried turning his helm to look at Nova, but could only partly make out her tail, legs, and rear from her curled up position pressed into his neck.

He growled with frustration. Placing the panel of electrics and spilling wires down, he reached out with free servos to grab the metal panels covering the rest of the monitors computer board. With a sharp tug, the metal bent outwards. With another tug, Blackout managed to rip off another large area of metal to reveal further areas of the motherboard.

He grabbed another section and ripped it free.

Then another.

While he tore into the computer, Venus busily subspaced the smaller items she held that she could. The remaining items she collected she dropped into a small case she found, dumping out its contents on the floor and putting her own items inside.

Finally with the majority of the computer systems available skeleton visible, Blackout shifted his crimson optics over the scenery. His optics rested upon a modulator that looked like it had seen better days; layered with dust and grim. There was only three connections from it throughout the entire motherboard, so he yanked those free and subspaced the small item.

Trailing his optics along coils of copper wires, Blackout spotted the oscillator and yanked that as well.

“That’ll do,” he rumbled.

“Are you sure?” Venus asked. “You don’t want to track down a power supply, or try tearing out any more of the connectors?”

“Those will be easier to come by and reclaim,” snapped the large mech. “I can already tell you the power supply isn’t in this room anyway; there’s a massive line that hooks up over there so it could be a few rooms over, or on a completely different level. We don’t have time to seek it out.”

“I might not know the complete layout of this place, but was there anything else-”

“No,” Blackout cut in before she could finish. He placed the electronic oscillator into his subspace and reached down, picking up the capacitor with it’s interconnected amplifier and various unreasonable dangling wires.

Reaching around, he wrapped the majority of the cables around the board of circuits and tucked it partly beneath one arm. With a respectable nod to Venus, he strode for the door, with her quickly outpacing him in a light jog back to the lift.

It seemed like a lifetime going up the elevator shaft. This whole operation had been too easy for his liking though. No sentries, no guards, no security whatsoever. He didn’t even know if there was an anti-air strike weapon. He’d certainly not seen anything like that stationed outside of the base. He wondered how well-hidden they would have to be, but it surprised him more that that seemed to be the only defense Shockwave had to this place.

“Is there no security feeds here?” he uncomfortably grumbled impatiently, trying to will the damn elevator to go faster as he felt Nova shiver anxiously against his neck.

The taller femme shuttered her optics in thought. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“No. I mean, I always assumed there was. But I’ve literally only been here two, three times maybe. A few times I came here with Barricade as he left for his tests prior to Shockwave locking him up and tethering him to an examination table. The last time I was sneaking in to liberate him.”

“And nothing unusual happened while you were freeing him?” Blackout hedged.

Venus gave a shake of her helm as her pink optics flickered. “No. I mean, outside of the creepy things I witnessed, no. I never encountered any malicious bots or guards.”

“Was Shockwave present at the time?”

“I didn’t see him,” she vented loudly. “Though if I did, I probably would have torn out his optic. The single-eyed creep.”

“Hmm,” Blackout drawled thoughtfully. “I wonder if he was busy at the time, or if he wanted ‘Cade to escape.”

“Want him to escape? Why would he want him to escape?” she asked, her soft voice somewhat harder now and edgy.

“To test him. See what his experiment could do. See how long his resolve would last.”

Venus narrowed her gaze into slits. As the elevator came to a screeching halt to their destination, she released the upward pointing arrow button and dropped her arm. The violet overcast light from the upper levels threw strange figures and hues over her faceplate.

“Well if that was his test, he certainly failed.”

Furious, the femme pushed past Blackout and off the platform. It jostled unsteadily beneath Blackout’s pedes. Pitching as though it was a boat upon rough seas, he reached out to grasp the edge of the wall as he turned to see Venus plodding up the short staircase. He vented softly, letting go off the wall and stepping off onto the steady warehouse floor once more.

He reached up and across himself then to place a servo against Nova. The small femme winced slightly before she lifted her helm up. Her optics looked upon the former Decepticon Hound’s as he looked to her with a warm stare of glittering red optics.

“You okay dear?” he gently coaxed while stroking her ears.

Nova bobbed her helm up and down. “A bit better not being down there,” she admitted quietly. “There was a lot of terrible, horrible, disturbing scents and sounds down there penetrating my helm. I could taste the chemicals floating through the air. You could almost picture the things that happened down there from just the smells alone.”

“I’m sorry I towed you along down there,” he grumbled, kicking himself inwardly.

“That’s okay,” she answered quietly. “You didn’t know what it would be like down there. Neither did I.”

Why didn’t that make him feel any less at fault?

Adjusting his grip on the circuit board against his side, Blackout dropped his other arm to his side again and hiked up the steps after Venus. He followed his way back around the crates and through the warehouse to the front, where the femme was already busy reuniting with Barricade with the contents of her heist at her pedes.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” the small purple and ebony grounder mech urged, holding her face gently in his shaking servos.

“Yes, I’m fine,” replied the black and pink femme, smiling softly as she reached up to overlap her servos on top of his. “See? Perfectly fine. Still in one piece. Nothing bad happened and all. We’re all okay. You don’t need to worry. Inhale deeply-”

As she said this, ‘Cade calmly dragged in air through his ventilation system.

“-and exhale.”

A rush of slightly warm air escaped him as he bowed his helm, placing his forehead against hers.

“Better?” Venus whispered with her optic ridges drawn close with concern.

“Yeah,” Barricade crooned, shuttering his optics part of the way. “Better.”

Smirking a bit to himself, Blackout cast a glance to Novastrike as she observed the pair. She turned to look at him with embarrassment as she was caught staring, looking as far away from any of them as she could by craning her neck back.

With a snicker, the obsidian mech shook his helm. A quiet warbling sound captured his attention and he lifted his helm up to look beyond the couple a few yards in front of him to stare out as a portal began to form where one had previously been.

The other three bots suddenly whipped their helms to the space bridge that was beginning to form.

Blackout’s smile drained away. He quickly turned, stepping to the left and back in the direction they’d come from. His pedes skidded slightly as he glanced back, spotting Venus dropping her servos from Barricade as she tugged on his arm.

“‘Cade!”

He didn’t move.

“Barricade!”

The scream of dismay went unheard.

His violet optics were locked on the space bridge with unfocused fear. As a shadow moved out from the blinding light, Shockwave’s massively hulking frame appeared in a flicker. He appeared taken off guard, though it was hard to tell with no faceplate and a single unemoting red optic staring at them.

Blackout swiftly slid the panel he’d been carrying to the ground. Before he could make his way over to the two Shockwave raised his cannon.

An explosive blast of thunder escaped the hefty weapon as it went off.

Venus shoved Barricade just in time and was hurtled the exterior wall of the warehouse, slamming into metal. She fell to the ground with a gasp, pressing a servo to her side as energon seeped out between her buckled in armor.

Barricade let out a ghastly roar that even startled Blackout. He made a slight lunge towards Shockwave, hesitated, and looked to Venus with sickened dread as the light of her optics flashed ominously. His optics were a blinding pinkish-purple as he darted over to her, placing a servo against her side as her blood ebbed out.

Snapping up his arm, Blackout unfurled his cannon and nearly fired when he pulled his arm up with shock.

He looked to his shoulder and back to Shockwave.

In her alt-form, Novastrike had managed to eat the distance between them and the Decepticon chief scientist and had her teeth embedded in the wire that connected the cannon to Shockwave’s frame. She clamped down tighter as the purple mech tried to shake her lose.

He couldn’t risk shooting and hitting Nova.

Divided, Blackout looked to Barricade and Venus and then to Novastrike and Shockwave. The seams on ‘Cade’s faceplate were slightly visible now, like he was refraining from revealing his maw as he tried to keep pressure on her wound. He looked back to Nova, latched on to the mech standing just outside the space bridge.

There was no perfect choice to be made.

Transforming his cannon back into his arm, Blackout charged Shockwave. The mech went to raise his cannon, but no light emitted from it as Nova ripped her claws through the line, slicing ribbons of wires out as she whipped her helm to tear into the connector.

His fist struck the bot just short of his optic as he turned his helm away. Throwing his weight in to the punch, the scientist fell back a few steps, barely managing to keep on his pedes.

Blackout shook his aching servo lightly, grinning.

Standing just beside the space bridge, a darkness began to emerge from the light. His optics flickered towards it and then slowly, he craned his helm back. Something he’d only had to do a few times in his life when looking to Autobot sentinels and city-transformers in all his life.

With steely fangs bared and mandibles curved out from its face, the Predacon released an ominous growl as it slunk out from the space bridge; curling its body out slowly from the swirling light. With a lash of its mighty tail, it emerged in full and the space bridge closed behind it.

Frag.

Drawing in a rush of air, the Predacon opened its mouth wide. It’s jaws parted as an orange light flickered deep in the bowels of the beast and radiated glowing biolights in a spilling orangish-yellow glow.

As the beast lunged forward, Blackout grabbed the dragon by its upper and lower jaw. Heat just as sweltering and painful as those of the smelting pits and furnaces he’d worked for as a slave emitted from the creature’s maw. It did not release it’s fire, not yet, but hinged and worked its jaws as it tried to get him to release it’s face.

Screeching furiously, the drake tried clamping its teeth down, threatening to take his arm. Blackout grunted, straining to keep its mouth open as beads of melted metal began to drip from his side.

The creature narrowed its optics as he met its gaze. It sucked in sharply.

Before it could bath him in flames, Blackout let go of the Predacon’s jaws. They snapped shut suddenly, and the beast created a hiccuping deep in its throat. Balling up his servo in a fist, Blackout struck the monster on top of its helm, knocking it’s lower jaw into the ground.

Snorting smoke out of its nostrils, the brilliant light faded from its throat. With a whip of its tail, the beast struck him in the legs, knocking him on his back.

Staring up at the mythical legend in front of him, Blackout’s optics widened as it lunged for him again with bared fangs.

Before it clamp down upon his armor, a strong surge of electrical currents blasted outward from him.

The EMP wave suddenly drained him of energy. He’d never tried using that much at one time, but this was an incredibly massive foe.

With a massive thud and a quiet, dull groan, the Predacon’s legs gave out and it fell limp and unconscious before him. The light from its golden optics was gone as they shuttered closed.

Exhaling loudly with shock that it had worked, Blackout pushed himself unsteadily up to his pedes. His optics looked down at the black metal that had hardened on the ground and looked down himself at the strange streaks over his chassis where beads had cooled part of the way down.

Twisting his helm around fast enough to strain his neck cables painfully, Blackout looked to where he could hear the scuffle of pedes. Shockwave was trying to fend off Novastrike as she darted around him, lashing her tail out violently as Scorponok did with the shield casing around her own prongs removed.

The cyber-cat hissed venomously at the mech as he tried to swat at her. Without his single weapon, he practically defective. He relied too heavily on that over-powered source and his experiments for protection rather than fighting. Science came first and foremost; he simple lacked a means of winning.

Blackout went to take a step towards them and fumbled, nearly collapsing on the ground. He looked up with narrowed optics to the duo as they danced, venting harshly.

Growling furiously, Barricade came running from behind, slamming Shockwave in the helm with his pede. As the mech stumbled back with a painful grunt, the small mech turned on point and flicked out a whip.

Blackout recognized that whip. It belonged to Venus.

An electrical current surged out from the weapon as it lassoed around Shockwave’s leg. ‘Cade gave a quick tug, bringing the mech down on his back with a thud and a grunt.

He snapped the whip free with a single flick of his wrist, looking down at the mech as his optic dimmed and grew brighter in irregular intervals.

“‘Cade,” Blackout rasped, looking over his shoulder at the Predacon as its tail slid across the ground slowly. “‘Cade, we need to go.”

The grounder turned his helm towards Blackout slowly. The seams he’d spotted earlier were spreading slightly to reveal a hint of that threatening display of infected purplish-pink lights and the scalpel-ended feeder peeking out.

“‘Cade,” the larger mech warned in a snarl.

Forcibly, slowly, the mech closed the four-way point the majority of the way. He turned his optics quickly to where Venus laid, her servo pressed to her side. She was on her pedes once more at least.

Hasily, the three bots made their way over to the femme. Venus offered a waning smile to them, waving one of her energon smeared servos slightly as she winced.

“Do you need me to carry you?” Blackout asked quietly.

“No, I’ll be fine,” she insisted.

Doubt moved through his optics, but he nodded and quickly moved his attention on to Barricade. “You’ll need to carry the equipment Venus took, ‘Cade. I’ll get the motherboard. Venus, stay between us just in case. Novastrike, can you bring up the rear?”

With a light of courage in her blazing sapphire optics, Nova gave a single nod of her helm.

“Right.” Barricade drawled out in sinister hiss. “Yes. I can do that.”

“Focus, ‘Cade,” Blackout urged, reaching out to shake his shoulder.

The mech looked sideways to the femme standing at his side. She passed him a small but supportive smile.

“I can do this,” he stated almost like a reminder to himself; his tone slightly less gravely.

Grabbing the panel of tangled circuits and pieces of the computer, Blackout positioned himself on one side of Venus as ‘Cade stepped closer on the other side, tucking the box beneath his arm. He reached out to place an arm around her waist for support, pulling her close.

Placing his servo on the ground, Shockwave positioned himself in a seated position slowly. His Cyclops single red optic moved to the left and right. There was no sign of the bots that had attacked them, though he had a clear vision of those that did.

Highly illogical to consider Blackout treasonous, but the proof had been right in front of him.

Turning his single gaze to the Predacon, he watched as it twitched and lazily moved as it stirred from the EMP wave that had knocked his creation unconscious. With a single, thought humming sound to himself, the scientist cautiously moved to get back on his pedes.

He had to check his facility to see what was missing, and settle on making a report to Lord Megatron on the incident.

[daggerzine]

Coming in first.....Jeremy Jensen opens up about The Very Most.

I definitely haven’t heard enough of Jeremy Jensen’s music, but what I have heard (under the name The Very Most) I really like. I went over to his Bandcamp page and noticed a plethora of releases so yeah, the dude is prolific. If you’ve listened then you’ll know that Jensen likes melody and I’m assuming he’s got a few Beach Boys and Beatles’ records in his collection. His songs have plenty of hooks but have this dreamy background and for as many songs as the guy’s written over the years he manages to make each one unique.  Some are quite grand while others are quite low-key and simple. We’ve been Facebook friends for quite some time and I enjoy his posts, but wanted to find out more so I shot him some questions and he was more than happy to answer. 

Were you born and raised in Boise? I was born in Roosevelt, Utah, raised in Nampa, Idaho (a suburb of Boise that had about 30,000 people in it when I lived there and now has around 100,000) and have been living in Boise for over 20 years now.

What are some of the best things about Boise? It’s a city I’ve always heard good things about and been very curious about, but have never been there. Boise is a high-desert town on the edge of the largest stretch of forest in the lower 48.  My favorite things about Boise are the Boise River and the surrounding foothills. I’m not a huge outdoor enthusiast, but the river is so nice to walk along. We’ve got miles and miles of trails called the Greenbelt that run right along the river. I also love that Boise has plenty to do as far as an arts and music scene goes, but it’s not such a huge city that commute times are out of hand. It’s also affordable compared to Seattle, Portland, and California, but it is becoming less affordable as we grow, and we’re growing really fast. There’s plenty of good food here too. The schools are good here. It’s a really good place to raise kids. David Lynch loved living here when he was a kid in the late 50s - early 60s. We put an exclamation mark after the word “Library” on the signs for all our libraries. I’m not making that last one up. Also, it’s pronounced “Boy-see”, not “Boy-zee,” and anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong.

What was the first song you remember hearing that really knocked your socks off? Dog and the Butterfly by Heart. This was probably in 1981 when I was five. It was just so pretty and Ann Wilson has a really great voice. I also loved the LP artwork, which was vaguely Chinese-themed.

Jeremy and the gang

How old were to when you first picked up an instrument? Was it parental pressure ro did you want to do it? I did 5th grade orchestra in school. I played violin for those first couple years and then switched to string bass, which led to electric bass, which led to guitar. I wanted to do it. My dad claims he had a rule in the house that every kid was required to play a musical instrument, but I was unaware of the existence of that rule. Maybe I didn’t need to be.

What was your introduction to the punk/new wave/indie music scene? When was the transition and how did it happen? Well, my mom bought U2’s The Joshua Tree, which I really loved, and which helped me learn of bands like R.E.M. She also enrolled me in the Columbia House CD club, where my first purchases included their album Green. I guess this would have been about 1990. Around ‘91, my friends introduced me to The Violent Femmes and The Smiths, and, like so many others, The Smiths were my platonic ideal of what a band should be. In 1993, I heard Built to Spill on a local college radio show. Their song “Three Years Ago Today” sounded like pop from another planet to me, and it blew me away that a band from Boise was making those sounds. Not only did that experience lead me to K records, which led me to indiepop, which changed my listening habits forever, it also made me believe that I could make good music, even though I was from a podunk town in Idaho. A lot of us Idahoans have inferiority complexes. Built to Spill will always be heroes to me.

Had you been in any bands before The Very Most? Yeah. I led a band called The Yukon and You with my wife and a friend of ours. I was also in a surf-rock band called D.O.L.L. The very first high school band I was in was called Thrush. Later, all three of my kids would get thrush when they were nursing. I’ve also played a lot in my brother Elijah’s bands over the years: Pajama Party in a Haunted Hive (named after the Beat Happening song) and his current project With Child. I’ve played in a few other local bands over the years too. Never a cover band though.

How/when did you form The Very Most? What was the initial inspiration? I started accumulating recording gear around 2000. I guess I wrote a bunch of songs. I don’t remember ever writing them though. I started recording them and when I finally finished an album in ‘03, I needed a band to play them so that I could sell CDs at shows. I actually started playing as The Very Most in ‘02 before the album came out, but the intention was to have a band ready for a record release show. The band started as a duo with my sister Rachael who was living with my wife and I at the time. Over the years, the band has gone through a lot of mutations both in number of members and instruments. We got a drummer, a female singer, a keyboardist. For a while we had a full-time vibraphonist. I think something like 12-15 people have been in the band for at least one show or more. As recently as a year ago I was playing a solo synth-pop set as The Very Most, but now I don’t play live as The Very Most at all.

What are some faraway places that the band has taken you to? What are some favorite foreign cities? Well, we haven’t gone on any really long tours, but we played the UK (including Indietracks) and I’ve played in Glasgow and Dublin three times. Glasgow and Dublin are my favorite cities in the world that I’ve been to. I’m not as fond of huge megalopolises that are basically 50 different cities glommed together (kinda how New York and London are). Glasgow, Dublin, Portland, and, also, Bristol in England kind of have a unified feel to them. (Boise does too.) It’s like the difference between a concept album and a epic White-album-style album. 

How does your songwriting process go? Does it start with a riff from you or something else? It almost always starts with a guitar or keyboard riff. I come up with these little main ideas for songs and record them really quickly in my software. Then I revisit them and decide which ones to flesh out into real songs. The order usually goes like this: riffs, basic tracks, a few ornamental type parts like keyboard leads, writing the lyrics, recording the vocals, and then usually adding a few more ornamental parts and backing vocals.

How active is The Very Most these day? Any upcoming plans? The Very Most is inactive live, but very active in the studio. I’m working on a new album, but haven’t played live for about a year. I think once my album is done and ready to release, I’ll probably get a two or three piece version of The Very Most ready to play a few shows.

Is your label, Coming in Second, still active these days? Not really. Two or so years ago I had some grand plans to get it going again, but we haven’t released much. Just a couple download-only things. There aren’t any plans to release anything else at the moment through that label.

Tell us about your involvement with the band The Hermit Crabs. Well, I think it was 2010. The web label EardrumsPop had this compilation called “Between Two Waves” where the idea was that people from two different bands combine forces to create a new song, hopefully with a new band name. I decided to get in touch with The Hermit Crabs, from Glasgow, Scotland, so we could do that song together. The name of the project was Baffin Island and, in addition to the song for EardrumsPop, we ended up making an EP and a few other songs for compilations. We did it by emailing files to one another. Anyway, that’s how I got to know Mel, the leader of The Hermit Crabs. She came from Glasgow to Boise to record a Hermit Crabs album in 2012. That album, In My Flat, didn’t get released until 2015 though. Since then we’ve done a couple Hermit Crabs tracks together internet-style for the Rose Melberg tribute compilation and also a Matinee Records compilation that hasn’t been released yet.

Any current Boise bands that we need to know about? With Child, Canal Canal, Bruce Robert, Sleepy Seahorse, Central City Music Company, Bonefish Sam and His Orchestra, Idle Chatter.

What are some new bands/records you’ve fallen in love with? THE GOON SAX!! Best new band in quite some time. Unfortunate band name, though. I don’t think we left enough good band names for the next generation. Starry-Eyed Cadet and Space Daze are two really great new-ish bands too. My daughter’s favorite band Boy Pablo is really nice. Kinda like a cross between Prefab Sprout and Mac DeMarco.

What are your top 10 desert island discs? In no particular order: Jonathan Richman - Rockin’ and Romance Prefab Sprout - Steve McQueen The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds Some sort of Debussy box set Built to Spill - There’s Nothing Wrong With Love Belle and Sebastian - Push Barman to Open Old Wounds Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career R.E.M. - Reckoning The Softies - Holiday in Rhode Island The Aislers Set – The Last Match

Any closing comment? Final thoughts? Anything you wanted to mention that I didn’t ask? I just want everyone to wish me luck in making the new The Very Most album. I think it’ll be as good as the other ones. Different, but as good or better. At least I think.

https://theverymost.bandcamp.com/

https://cominginsecond.bandcamp.com/]

[adambstingus]

7 WTF Sex Scenes That Will Destroy Your Sanity

Sex scenes, while occasionally controversial, are a fairly regular part of cinema, from Eyes Wide Shut to Boogie Nights to Casablanca before they had to cut out all the orgy scenes. But in addition to their ability to titillate, certain movies (especially horror) like to get real creative with how far they can stretch the definition of erotica. And while some sexual experimentation can make for a great anniversary, too much of it might just put you off having sex for the rest of your life.

We’d warn you of all the nudity in this article, but it’s honestly the least inappropriate content you’re going to find compared to …

7

Denise Richards Does A Striptease For A Dinosaur’s Disembodied Brain

Post-Jurassic Park Hollywood tried to jam dinosaurs into just about every movie, from The Flintstones to that movie where Whoopi Goldberg was legally forced to solve crimes with a dino buddy. Then there’s Tammy And The T-Rex, an instant classic where Denise Richards plays a girl whose dead boyfriend (played by Paul Walker) has his brain transplanted into a robotic dinosaur. Why not a real dinosaur? Because that would be ridiculous.

You’d think the screenwriters would have their hands full with the whole cyborg tyrannosaurus plot, but they somehow managed to also find time to add in a whole bunch of weird sexual tension throughout the movie– like a schoolyard fight that results in a surprising amount of dick-grabbing.

Scenes like the penis pinch seem out of place in Tammy And The T-Rex, which is quite the achievement if you think about it, but that’s not the movie’s fault — it’s the fault of uptight censors. You see, the movie was originally intended for mature audiences, with its violent scenes eventually cut out for the American release, such as this moment where the lovable T-Rex rips a guy’s head off.

But the weird sex stuff was totally fine for preteens, so that was left in. The very final moment of the film features a particularly baffling attempt at sexiness. After removing her boyfriend’s brain from the T-Rex, it now lives a hellish existence in a petri dish in Denise Richards’ room, wired to a camcorder that cruelly has the lens cap on while she’s out.

So what does she do to satiate Paul Walker’s existential agony? In a moment that was trimmed down for the PG version, she does an elaborate striptease. It’s pretty much the closest we’ll ever get to seeing what Krang’s bachelor party would look like.

And because the brain that lives on her nightstand obviously doesn’t have a penis, it reacts to arousal by ejaculating sparks all over her teddy bear, which is a fire hazard.

The movie ends with Richards jumping on the bed for the really naughty stuff to happen. Of course, we don’t get to see any of that because the movie fades to black.

The brain in the jar also can’t see any of that, because the bed is out of its field of vision. Brains don’t have arms, Denise, you need to move the camera for him! Or, y’know, unplug him and let him pass blessedly on into eternity. Whichever.

6

Ninja Women Dispatch Enemies With Their Magic Genitals

It’s a common movie trope that the femme fatale assassin uses her sexuality to eliminate her target. But Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3: Sacred Book of Sexual Position (not a porno) boldly asks the question, “What if female assassins literally used their genitals to kill people?”

The sequel to a movie in which the Catholic Church hides treasure maps in vaginas, Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3 finds a gang of (not surprisingly) female ninjas seeking an ancient book of sexual positions. Along the way, they have to best a series of warriors with their feminine ninjitsu skills … which mainly involves them getting molested and then erupting vengeance from various orifices. For example, one ninja quickly transitions from sex to squirting a guy in the face with acid breast milk, like some misguided erotic version of the dilophosaurus attack in Jurassic Park.

Cinefile Videos

Cinefile Videos “No use dying over spilt milk.”

In another hectic battle, one ninja busts out the aptly named “Vagina Bubbles From Hell”– a slow-moving mass of vaginal soap suds …

Cinefile Videos

… And this lethal bubble bath literally kills a dude, who we can only assume went to the afterlife red with embarrassment.

That’s not even the dumbest vagina-related magic power in the movie. That honor is reserved for the powerful mystic who turns her enemies’ … uh, goo, into a weapon with her vagina silly-string (from Hell).

5

The Hilarious Werewolf Threesome In The Howling II

Werewolves combine the worst parts of puberty: the rampant hormonal rampages and the unfortunate body hair. So, despite the Twilight saga’s most mediocre efforts, you can’t make a werewolf sexy. Case in point, The Howling II.

A sequel to the werewolf classic, with a subtitle that sounds like a line from Dracula’s Friars Club roast, Howling II: … Your Sister Is A Werewolf opens with Christopher Lee. In space. Talking about werewolf boning. Don’t worry, the British accent totally sells it.

After all that build-up about “beasts” and “fornications,” we finally see the Werewolf Queen’s castle, a temple of sin filled with … old people, for some reason. Apparently, the werewolf community is totally cool with senior citizens getting bussed to their Zorro-themed orgies.

Three of the werewolves splinter off to a candelabra-filled bedchamber to have a threeway. Well, we say “threeway,” but it’s mostly just a whole lot of watching and not a lot of movement. For all of Christopher Lee’s ranting about the abject sin of lycanthropy, these two hairy asses are fumbling about like it’s werewolf prom night at their werewolf Catholic school.

Eventually, the Werewolf Queen joins in, but seemingly goes to great effort not to physically touch the other werewolves, probably because the filmmakers didn’t want her $200 manicure getting tangled up in all that recycled pubic hair.

If there was a porn parody of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Cats directed by someone who had never had sex before, this is probably what it would look like:

4

A Nurse Bangs An Anatomically Correct Medical Dummy In Front Of A Child

Pin is a Canadian horror movie about a young man who kills people because a medical dummy told him to.

In a flashback, the killer’s backstory shows that his doctor father used the anatomically correct dummy to teach his kids. He even did the voice of the dummy, just to maximize the chance of future psychic traumas.

Eventually, his son starts to think the dummy is real. It doesn’t help his delusion when the kid catches a nurse using the dummy as a marital aid.

What starts as some gentle petting quickly turns into a speedy run-through of years of sexual education for the peeping tom …

… Then she crushes that dummy’s ass in what the Kama Sutra calls the “Loveless Marriage Lotus.” The kid’s reaction shot says it all.

With this brief but potent girl-on-medical-equipment action, we now know exactly (through shared trauma) why this child becomes a deranged killer. That’s one psychosis out of the way, but what about the nurse’s? The movie never explains what the hell is going on with her. Do the filmmakers think that this how health care providers spend their coffee breaks? Why don’t we follow her around for ninety minutes and see where that angel of death vibe may lead? Probably to a mannequin store.

3

Jason Voorhees Kills A Potential Threesome In The Wackiest Way Possible

We all know Jason X wasn’t exactly the strongest of the Friday The 13th movies; it has a cast of terrible actors, a spaceship set that looks like a sci-fi-themed Motel 6, and a musical score that was likely played on a toddler’s bumblebee-shaped keytar. But it did do the one thing all Friday The 13th movies are supposed to: make teens everywhere regret wanting to have sex.

The movie finds a group of futuristic students on a field trip in space when the frozen body of Jason Voorhees comes to life and starts murdering people — another good reminder of why permission slips always need to be signed. At one point, the intrepid group of survivors trap Jason in what’s basically a holodeck simulation of a country resort, in a desperate attempt to slow him down with wistful nostalgia.

Worried that Jason won’t simply drop his machete in favor of drinking mai tais in a deck chair, they add in some horny teenagers …

… Who immediately get naked and try to seduce a confused Jason …

Jason, even though it wasn’t on the menu, picks the murder option. He lets the naked child-supervisors get into sleeping bags and then beats one sleeping bag against the other sleeping bag …

… And to neatly wrap things up, kills the other counselor with one whack of a sleeping bag to a tree.

Which is both a call-back to Friday The 13th Part VII, and a handy way to save money on gore effects. But let’s go back to the holodeck for a sec. Which future pervert thought it was a great idea to program a university research vessel with the simulation of a summer camp sex fantasy that hasn’t been relevant since the late 80s? Even more disturbing, these topless gals are specifically simulations of Camp Crystal Lake counselors, a place only known in this universe as the site of a famous massacre. What we’re saying is that that sleeping bag whack-a-mole we just saw Jason do is probably the least gruesome act ever performed on that holodeck.

2

Troll 2: The Goblin Queen Bangs A Dude With A Corncob (And Ejaculates Popcorn)

Aside from the fact that it was technically the first Harry Potter movie, Troll 2 is most well known for being possibly the worst movie of all time. Troll 2‘s human protagonists were maybe even less believable than the puppets, so it’s not surprising that the movie’s brief dalliance with eroticism would be about as sexy as sticking your junk into a thresher just because it said it loved you.

The scene in question starts with All-American boy Brent sitting in front of the TV, channel hopping, when suddenly he lands on a woman seductively caressing some corn on the cob — which is some kind of black magic, or the Green Giant commercials used to be a whole lot more fun.

The mysterious temptress then tells Brent to go outside because she’s waiting near his trailer and holy shit, all those beer commercials were right after all!

What Brent doesn’t know is that she’s actually the Goblin Queen, presumably hanging out in trailer parks because she’s fed up with her husband’s baby-stealing and their unnecessarily muppet-filled house. But we can forgive him for being … distracted.

They go back inside the trailer to do it, hard. But she has one condition: the corn gets to play too.

Because this is all part of her evil trick, Brent’s orgasm causes an explosion of popcorn as if he’s part of Orville Redenbacher’s wet dreams …

… Which then almost kills him as he drowns in his own salty, butter-soaked sex corn.

Troll 2 obviously performed very badly at the box office, but this scene makes us wonder if that was merely due to the movie being terrible, or the fact that it showed audiences the most popular concession-stand food covered in sex mucus?

That’s the difference between a regular bad movie and Troll 2. A regular bad movie will ruin 90 minutes of your life; Troll 2 will ruin your moviegoing experience forever.

1

Faust Has The Most Disgusting Sex Scene Of All Time

Faust: Love Of The Damned tells the story of an artist named John Jaspers (thus dodging the litigious wrath of famed artist Jasper Johns) who sells his soul to the devil in order to become a demon superhero and avenge his girlfriend’s death. Think Spawn, but if his mom made his costume for him.

One memorably horrifying scene finds the devil (who in the movie looks like a 90-year-old woman doing her best John Malkovich impersonation) about to get it on with his girlfriend — because in the age of internet dating, there’s always the odd chance that you accidentally wind up going out with the Prince of Darkness …

… But it turns out the woman has crossed him, so as a punishment he uses his evil magic to make her boobs and butt turn gigantic, and then melt. Again, he’s the devil, so we can’t be 100 percent sure this isn’t just some weird demonic foreplay.

Eventually, the seductress is reduced to nothing but a shuddering, liquid, four-leaf clover of female sexuality. It’s a pretty fucked-up, gross scene. If David Cronenberg ever directed an episode of Red Shoe Diaries, this is probably the nightmare factory he’d produce.

You (yes, you) can follow JM on Twitter, or check out his podcast Rewatchability.

For more all time awkward moments in fictional fornication, check out 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Sex Scenes and The 6 Creepiest Sex Scenes in Video Game History.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 5 Sex Scenes Made By People Who’ve Never Had Sex, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/7-wtf-sex-scenes-that-will-destroy-your-sanity/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/176327569462

[allofbeercom]

7 WTF Sex Scenes That Will Destroy Your Sanity

Sex scenes, while occasionally controversial, are a fairly regular part of cinema, from Eyes Wide Shut to Boogie Nights to Casablanca before they had to cut out all the orgy scenes. But in addition to their ability to titillate, certain movies (especially horror) like to get real creative with how far they can stretch the definition of erotica. And while some sexual experimentation can make for a great anniversary, too much of it might just put you off having sex for the rest of your life.

We’d warn you of all the nudity in this article, but it’s honestly the least inappropriate content you’re going to find compared to …

7

Denise Richards Does A Striptease For A Dinosaur’s Disembodied Brain

Post-Jurassic Park Hollywood tried to jam dinosaurs into just about every movie, from The Flintstones to that movie where Whoopi Goldberg was legally forced to solve crimes with a dino buddy. Then there’s Tammy And The T-Rex, an instant classic where Denise Richards plays a girl whose dead boyfriend (played by Paul Walker) has his brain transplanted into a robotic dinosaur. Why not a real dinosaur? Because that would be ridiculous.

You’d think the screenwriters would have their hands full with the whole cyborg tyrannosaurus plot, but they somehow managed to also find time to add in a whole bunch of weird sexual tension throughout the movie– like a schoolyard fight that results in a surprising amount of dick-grabbing.

Scenes like the penis pinch seem out of place in Tammy And The T-Rex, which is quite the achievement if you think about it, but that’s not the movie’s fault — it’s the fault of uptight censors. You see, the movie was originally intended for mature audiences, with its violent scenes eventually cut out for the American release, such as this moment where the lovable T-Rex rips a guy’s head off.

But the weird sex stuff was totally fine for preteens, so that was left in. The very final moment of the film features a particularly baffling attempt at sexiness. After removing her boyfriend’s brain from the T-Rex, it now lives a hellish existence in a petri dish in Denise Richards’ room, wired to a camcorder that cruelly has the lens cap on while she’s out.

So what does she do to satiate Paul Walker’s existential agony? In a moment that was trimmed down for the PG version, she does an elaborate striptease. It’s pretty much the closest we’ll ever get to seeing what Krang’s bachelor party would look like.

And because the brain that lives on her nightstand obviously doesn’t have a penis, it reacts to arousal by ejaculating sparks all over her teddy bear, which is a fire hazard.

The movie ends with Richards jumping on the bed for the really naughty stuff to happen. Of course, we don’t get to see any of that because the movie fades to black.

The brain in the jar also can’t see any of that, because the bed is out of its field of vision. Brains don’t have arms, Denise, you need to move the camera for him! Or, y’know, unplug him and let him pass blessedly on into eternity. Whichever.

6

Ninja Women Dispatch Enemies With Their Magic Genitals

It’s a common movie trope that the femme fatale assassin uses her sexuality to eliminate her target. But Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3: Sacred Book of Sexual Position (not a porno) boldly asks the question, “What if female assassins literally used their genitals to kill people?”

The sequel to a movie in which the Catholic Church hides treasure maps in vaginas, Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3 finds a gang of (not surprisingly) female ninjas seeking an ancient book of sexual positions. Along the way, they have to best a series of warriors with their feminine ninjitsu skills … which mainly involves them getting molested and then erupting vengeance from various orifices. For example, one ninja quickly transitions from sex to squirting a guy in the face with acid breast milk, like some misguided erotic version of the dilophosaurus attack in Jurassic Park.

Cinefile Videos

Cinefile Videos “No use dying over spilt milk.”

In another hectic battle, one ninja busts out the aptly named “Vagina Bubbles From Hell”– a slow-moving mass of vaginal soap suds …

Cinefile Videos

… And this lethal bubble bath literally kills a dude, who we can only assume went to the afterlife red with embarrassment.

That’s not even the dumbest vagina-related magic power in the movie. That honor is reserved for the powerful mystic who turns her enemies’ … uh, goo, into a weapon with her vagina silly-string (from Hell).

5

The Hilarious Werewolf Threesome In The Howling II

Werewolves combine the worst parts of puberty: the rampant hormonal rampages and the unfortunate body hair. So, despite the Twilight saga’s most mediocre efforts, you can’t make a werewolf sexy. Case in point, The Howling II.

A sequel to the werewolf classic, with a subtitle that sounds like a line from Dracula’s Friars Club roast, Howling II: … Your Sister Is A Werewolf opens with Christopher Lee. In space. Talking about werewolf boning. Don’t worry, the British accent totally sells it.

After all that build-up about “beasts” and “fornications,” we finally see the Werewolf Queen’s castle, a temple of sin filled with … old people, for some reason. Apparently, the werewolf community is totally cool with senior citizens getting bussed to their Zorro-themed orgies.

Three of the werewolves splinter off to a candelabra-filled bedchamber to have a threeway. Well, we say “threeway,” but it’s mostly just a whole lot of watching and not a lot of movement. For all of Christopher Lee’s ranting about the abject sin of lycanthropy, these two hairy asses are fumbling about like it’s werewolf prom night at their werewolf Catholic school.

Eventually, the Werewolf Queen joins in, but seemingly goes to great effort not to physically touch the other werewolves, probably because the filmmakers didn’t want her $200 manicure getting tangled up in all that recycled pubic hair.

If there was a porn parody of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Cats directed by someone who had never had sex before, this is probably what it would look like:

4

A Nurse Bangs An Anatomically Correct Medical Dummy In Front Of A Child

Pin is a Canadian horror movie about a young man who kills people because a medical dummy told him to.

In a flashback, the killer’s backstory shows that his doctor father used the anatomically correct dummy to teach his kids. He even did the voice of the dummy, just to maximize the chance of future psychic traumas.

Eventually, his son starts to think the dummy is real. It doesn’t help his delusion when the kid catches a nurse using the dummy as a marital aid.

What starts as some gentle petting quickly turns into a speedy run-through of years of sexual education for the peeping tom …

… Then she crushes that dummy’s ass in what the Kama Sutra calls the “Loveless Marriage Lotus.” The kid’s reaction shot says it all.

With this brief but potent girl-on-medical-equipment action, we now know exactly (through shared trauma) why this child becomes a deranged killer. That’s one psychosis out of the way, but what about the nurse’s? The movie never explains what the hell is going on with her. Do the filmmakers think that this how health care providers spend their coffee breaks? Why don’t we follow her around for ninety minutes and see where that angel of death vibe may lead? Probably to a mannequin store.

3

Jason Voorhees Kills A Potential Threesome In The Wackiest Way Possible

We all know Jason X wasn’t exactly the strongest of the Friday The 13th movies; it has a cast of terrible actors, a spaceship set that looks like a sci-fi-themed Motel 6, and a musical score that was likely played on a toddler’s bumblebee-shaped keytar. But it did do the one thing all Friday The 13th movies are supposed to: make teens everywhere regret wanting to have sex.

The movie finds a group of futuristic students on a field trip in space when the frozen body of Jason Voorhees comes to life and starts murdering people — another good reminder of why permission slips always need to be signed. At one point, the intrepid group of survivors trap Jason in what’s basically a holodeck simulation of a country resort, in a desperate attempt to slow him down with wistful nostalgia.

Worried that Jason won’t simply drop his machete in favor of drinking mai tais in a deck chair, they add in some horny teenagers …

… Who immediately get naked and try to seduce a confused Jason …

Jason, even though it wasn’t on the menu, picks the murder option. He lets the naked child-supervisors get into sleeping bags and then beats one sleeping bag against the other sleeping bag …

… And to neatly wrap things up, kills the other counselor with one whack of a sleeping bag to a tree.

Which is both a call-back to Friday The 13th Part VII, and a handy way to save money on gore effects. But let’s go back to the holodeck for a sec. Which future pervert thought it was a great idea to program a university research vessel with the simulation of a summer camp sex fantasy that hasn’t been relevant since the late 80s? Even more disturbing, these topless gals are specifically simulations of Camp Crystal Lake counselors, a place only known in this universe as the site of a famous massacre. What we’re saying is that that sleeping bag whack-a-mole we just saw Jason do is probably the least gruesome act ever performed on that holodeck.

2

Troll 2: The Goblin Queen Bangs A Dude With A Corncob (And Ejaculates Popcorn)

Aside from the fact that it was technically the first Harry Potter movie, Troll 2 is most well known for being possibly the worst movie of all time. Troll 2‘s human protagonists were maybe even less believable than the puppets, so it’s not surprising that the movie’s brief dalliance with eroticism would be about as sexy as sticking your junk into a thresher just because it said it loved you.

The scene in question starts with All-American boy Brent sitting in front of the TV, channel hopping, when suddenly he lands on a woman seductively caressing some corn on the cob — which is some kind of black magic, or the Green Giant commercials used to be a whole lot more fun.

The mysterious temptress then tells Brent to go outside because she’s waiting near his trailer and holy shit, all those beer commercials were right after all!

What Brent doesn’t know is that she’s actually the Goblin Queen, presumably hanging out in trailer parks because she’s fed up with her husband’s baby-stealing and their unnecessarily muppet-filled house. But we can forgive him for being … distracted.

They go back inside the trailer to do it, hard. But she has one condition: the corn gets to play too.

Because this is all part of her evil trick, Brent’s orgasm causes an explosion of popcorn as if he’s part of Orville Redenbacher’s wet dreams …

… Which then almost kills him as he drowns in his own salty, butter-soaked sex corn.

Troll 2 obviously performed very badly at the box office, but this scene makes us wonder if that was merely due to the movie being terrible, or the fact that it showed audiences the most popular concession-stand food covered in sex mucus?

That’s the difference between a regular bad movie and Troll 2. A regular bad movie will ruin 90 minutes of your life; Troll 2 will ruin your moviegoing experience forever.

1

Faust Has The Most Disgusting Sex Scene Of All Time

Faust: Love Of The Damned tells the story of an artist named John Jaspers (thus dodging the litigious wrath of famed artist Jasper Johns) who sells his soul to the devil in order to become a demon superhero and avenge his girlfriend’s death. Think Spawn, but if his mom made his costume for him.

One memorably horrifying scene finds the devil (who in the movie looks like a 90-year-old woman doing her best John Malkovich impersonation) about to get it on with his girlfriend — because in the age of internet dating, there’s always the odd chance that you accidentally wind up going out with the Prince of Darkness …

… But it turns out the woman has crossed him, so as a punishment he uses his evil magic to make her boobs and butt turn gigantic, and then melt. Again, he’s the devil, so we can’t be 100 percent sure this isn’t just some weird demonic foreplay.

Eventually, the seductress is reduced to nothing but a shuddering, liquid, four-leaf clover of female sexuality. It’s a pretty fucked-up, gross scene. If David Cronenberg ever directed an episode of Red Shoe Diaries, this is probably the nightmare factory he’d produce.

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/7-wtf-sex-scenes-that-will-destroy-your-sanity/