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3192395 · 7 years ago

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here we go -- entry #1.

my life has changed quite a bit since my last journals left off. it’s funny because all i’ve wanted for the past three years was to get to where i am now and now that i’m there i’m pretty much the most miserable i’ve ever been. what should be the best thing that ever happened has been overshadowed by every problem and stressful event along the way and it’s just not how i pictured this to go.

so, yes, finally, i’m living with the love of my life in a cute little house on a hill with a big private backyard and no roommates and a bright orange couch and a spiral staircase leading to a loft with terrifying crawlspaces in the walls and two eccentric cats that are essentially our children. sounds like a dream come true but it has come at such a price and my mental state is not in a good place. let’s start with everything that’s happened since the end of july.

1. moving out of my house in boulder. what a disaster. packing is always a pain in the ass but one of my roommates, brittany, had her mom unexpectedly fly in from california to help her pack at the same time i had my friend from new york come to visit and it turned into us arguing over who was going to stay in the empty bedroom. i won because i had told everyone my friend was coming two months beforehand so after that it was a very uncomfortable week because brittany actually hates her mom and they ended up having to share a room. it didn’t help that i was the only one cleaning up the house and fixing chew marks in the molding from brittany’s shitty dog, and scrubbing black lines off the white walls from michael carrying shit down into the basement, and doing the things everyone forgets about like taking all of the food out of the cabinets and refrigerator and washing the fridge out. i even dragged all of the food to the homeless shelter around the corner to donate and got yelled at and chased by an old man with a cane for sneaking things into his garbage pails because we ran out of room in ours. people in boulder are very protective of their garbage and freak out if you go anywhere near it. brittany put a bunch of stuff out on the front lawn and posted a craigslist ad for people to come and take it before she left but people barely took anything so not only did i have to find a way to dispose of that but she also left rugs and broken lamps and giant flower pots in the garage. on the bright side, she left her crockpot behind and i managed to grab that before anyone else got to it and i use it all the time. i also stayed behind to help daniel re-pack his jeep because he had things overflowing out of the car windows until i took everything out and repacked it tetris-style. i’m a good roommate. i also don’t really miss that house or the people i lived with. i’m so glad that phase of my life is over. good riddance!

2. moving in with dan. we were hoping to find a place to move into immediately and make a smooth transition together but we couldn’t find an affordable place in time so i ended up staying with him and his roommates until we did. this is where everything started to get really stressful. not only did he not discuss this with them until the last minute but he also didn’t tell them i would be bringing a cat. on top of all of that, we ended up adopting a kitten which inspired them to adopt one of his siblings so we had two new cats in the house and he still didn’t mention the one i already owned. it ended up working out pretty well because my cat refused to move so he stayed behind at the old house and attempted to live with the new family who moved in. i had to drive back and forth to bring him food every other day so he wouldn’t die until i eventually captured him two months later. it was really difficult for me to live in dan’s house. i felt uncomfortable there and it didn’t help that i had to share a bathroom with three other people, plus the constant stream of visitors that stayed with them. i really just wanted to get the fuck out of there. even dan kept telling me that it was okay i was there, that i should be comfortable, but then he would give me an attitude for wearing shorts or a skirt in the 100 degree weather and accuse me of turning the air conditioner off so i could wear less clothing around his roommates. i’m sorry, but i was raised by a single mother who always told me “dress for the weather! we can’t keep the heat/air conditioner on all the time! turn the lights off! the bill was too high last month!” and i was staying in a house where the AC was blasting even when nobody was home and they had 30 different sources of light on at once during the day. it drove me crazy. dan drove me crazy. it’s true what they say about not knowing a person until you live with them. things just started going really terribly once we lived together.

3. he ruined all of my furniture. seriously. i’ve never asked dan to help me with anything except for moving out of my old house and he couldn’t even do that right. i told him beforehand that i could just sell the little bit of furniture i had -- a bed frame, mattress, ikea dresser, cube shelf, nightstand -- and put that towards a security deposit for when we find a house, or we could just save it all and use it for his son when he’s able to come and stay with us. he insisted i not sell it so i didn’t but when moving day came i needed him to pack it all into his truck because i didn’t have the strength or the room to do it myself. so he did. all of that furniture was a year old, and guess what? now it’s garbage. he left my unfinished dresser laying in the back of his work truck, totally exposed to the elements, along with the bed frame, nightstand, and two mattress covers. i kept asking him to take it out and put it in the garage or something and he kept saying “i’ll do it later!” and never did. it rained twice that week, plus he was driving around to all of these jobs and leaving his truck parked outside where anybody could have stolen things out of it. now, months later, i’m finding out piece by piece that all of my shit is destroyed. i found my mattress covers soaked and molded in the back of the truck. half of the pieces of my bed frame are missing and the ones that i found are chipped and warped and disgusting. the dresser is warped beyond repair and covered in mold. the nightstand is missing. my memory foam mattress is okay but has a piece ripped out of it from aggressive manhandling pulling the foam apart. the only things that are still intact are my lamp and cube shelf because i brought those over myself. it’s just not fair and he doesn’t understand why i’m seething with rage every time i think about it or why i can’t let it go. i don’t know, maybe because it’s 100% NOT OKAY that this even happened at all? because i’m finding out one piece at a time that the very few things i own are ruined for no reason? because this is a direct result of you ignoring me and not respecting my things? and instead of taking responsibility and being genuinely apologetic you first twist it around and say “well, you could have taken it out and you didn’t” or “i’ll just buy you new stuff” which isn’t the fucking point? because your first instinct is to justify your actions instead of just being a normal sorry person? and apologies don’t mean shit when you try to blame me first? i know that things are just things but when you’ve spent two years giving everything you have to a person and they take something away from you for no reason it really hurts, especially when you don’t have very much to begin with. so yeah, i’m still mad.

4. moving into the new house. i didn’t like this house very much to begin with. we went on a tour at the last minute and dan seemed to really like it. it felt so small and cramped and dirty to me. the location is nice, being on a hill above the street is nice, having a big yard and detached garage and back alley parking is nice, but the inside was basically a poorly constructed mexican brothel with the lumpiest walls i’ve ever seen in my life. we decided to skimcoat the living room walls to flatten them out, we painted every room, and we whitened up the trim because whoever lived here before painted it all grey. it looks so much better now but getting all of that done was torture. first of all, dan insisted we should put work into fixing the house up so the landlord would take money off the rent. this is why he went along with my idea of skimcoating the living room even though i said “we don’t have to do this, let’s just move into the house and deal with it.” it took almost a week of sanding down the walls and polluting our lungs before it was ready to be painted and even the painting took about five coats all together so it felt like an endless project. of course dan did pretty much all the sanding on his own because there was only one good sander, and the whole time he was doing that he kept complaining about how he had no time to do anything else because he works all day and then spends hours sanding down the walls and then goes to bed. we hadn’t officially moved into the house at that point so little me thinks i’m doing the both of us a favor by helping out in whatever way i can, so i go out and spend a shitload of money buying things we need for the house. i’m very good at remembering the little things that people forget, like loading up on paper towels, toilet paper, wipes, garbage bags, cleaning supplies, soap, ice trays, etc. i got a couple of bathroom rugs and a shower curtain. i spent a bunch of money on basic kitchen stuff that everyone needs, like condiments, jars of sauce, cooking oil, herbs, baking stuff, tupperware, baking dishes, mixing bowls, forks and knives and utensilis. there are so many things a person needs when they’re moving into a new place! i knew we were starting from scratch and had to stock the whole house. i even got pens, pencils, sharpies, tape, glue, tacks, safety pins, needles, detergent, tealights -- so much shit i knew we would reach for one day and realize we didn’t have. and on top of that i had bought things a few months ago that i knew we would need. this really great cookware set, towels and washclothes, a knife set, a keurig, and dishes. and guess what he tells me after i spend all of this money and fill the house with useful things? “you’re selfish.” yup. that’s what he said. why did he say that? apparently because “we didn’t do it together.” let me get this straight -- you’re complaining about how you have so much to do, you’re physically exhausted, you have no time to do anything, so i go to the store and spend hundreds of dollars making sure we have everything we need when we finally move in rather than move into an empty house and that makes me selfish? o - f u c k i n g - k a y. i can’t let that one go, either. i’m still mad.

5. the court case is over. dan did really well playing his own lawyer in this court case from hell and he WON. i got him a little cake that said “not guilty” and everything. it was a really great day and i cried because i was so happy for him. the happiness didn’t last long, though, because even though he won he still can’t see his son for two years because he missed one court date which is absolutely absurd. it sucks and i’m really heartbroken for him that he can’t see his own kid and just be the great dad that he is without everyone around him trying to take that away, but at the same time i’m relieved that his cunt of an ex isn’t allowed anywhere near us. it would be great to have a relationship with osiris and be able to hang out with him and take him on adventures but i don’t think this chick is going to stop making it impossible for us so i’ve kind of given up on that idea. any time we ever had fun together she ruined it by telling him he isn’t allowed to like me so what’s the point.

6. i have a really cute cat. look at him he’s just really cute. i can’t handle all the cuteness.

7. my anxiety has catapulted to extremes and i don’t know what to do about it. when i first moved to colorado i felt pretty anxiety-free because i was in a new place and didn’t know anyone and my brain didn’t have the opportunity to attach its anxieties to anything, but that has changed. i feel anxious all the time now. all of the stress over the past few months has shaken my nerves so much and now i’m getting panic attacks the same way i used to back in new york. any time i get in the car with dan i feel sick to my stomach. any time i think about finding a job or i have an interview it suddenly feels like my bones weigh a thousand pounds and i can’t move off the couch. i physically cannot bring myself to do anything. my stomach aches constantly. for the past 6 months or so i haven’t been able to eat anything without getting a stomach ache after or without my intestines swelling up. it’s not good. i feel so unhealthy and depressed every second and dan definitely adds to that, but when things are going okay with him it takes such a small thing to upset me and make me shut down again. i’m really struggling with how to deal with this.

8. i’m desperately, desperately homesick. i just want to go home. i want to crawl into my mom’s lap and drink a cosmo. i want to play with my sister’s kids, i want to get a drink with my cousin, i want to be able to see my doctor whenever i need to do, i want to see my brother’s shining face, i want to cook dinner for my dad and let him know i appreciate him. but i can’t. because i made the choice to move out here and pursue a colorado life knowing full well what i was leaving behind and not realizing how miserable my existence is without my family in it. i feel like i have to choose between my relationship and my family and it’s stressing me out so much that i can’t have them both together. i’m struggling with how to deal with this, too.

so, that gives you a general idea of where i’m at right now. i moved into a new house i didn’t really want to live in, a bunch of my things got ruined in the process, i fight with my boyfriend more often than not and he doesn’t seem to understand why, i miss my family, i don’t have a job but i do have a cat, and my depression has immobilized me almost completely. i think that writing it all out like this will help me verbalize my feelings and hopefully that will make it easier to talk to dan about it because talking to him has always been really difficult for me. i think when he gets home tonight we should have a talk. i’m going to go mentally prepare for that now.

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