#also my friend dumped several handfuls of candy in my purse before i left so that was pretty slay

[fancymeatcomputers]

Ok so I was in a social situation for like 6 hours where I didn't know anyone except for one person and I was fine????? Like not stressed at all?????? I had a good time it was very out of character for me

[aquariuscurly94]

Just Another Day

Summary: The conversation had never came up before until that moment when Zuko and Katara were out shopping at Kroger for dinner. Valentine's Day. And honestly, he was glad that he had chosen her to be his girlfriend because pretty soon he will realize that they have a lot more in common than he had originally realized.

Disclaimer: I own nothing from Avatar. Just the plot

Rating: T

“Oh spirits.” An annoyed brown-haired woman muttered, pausing near an aisle and threw her head back with a huff of frustration. “It’s happening again.”

“Katara, why did you stop walking?” A raven-haired man asked, pushing the cart behind his girlfriend, sighing in relief when he stopped the cart just in time before it could hit the back of a pair of tan ankles. “I could’ve hit you.”

Katara turned her head slightly to look at her frowning boyfriend that was standing behind her with a cart full of items for dinner that she would be making later that evening. She huffed at him when he had quirked a good eyebrow that wasn’t burned off from his scar that was on the left side of his face. “It’s just so sickening Zuko.”

“What is?” Zuko asked his blue-eyed girlfriend, walking around so he was standing next to her instead of behind her with the cart, trying to see what she was talking about.

“Valentine’s Day,” she muttered, wrinkling her nose as she pointed what she was talking about in front them, rolling her sapphire eyes with disgust at the display.

Zuko cocked his head to the side with slight interest as he followed where her finger was pointing at. He hummed quietly when his golden eyes spotted the Valentine’s Day display that was in front of them. The pink and red display had three large bears at the very front as well as several smaller bears that was at the bottom. He didn’t even have to go far to see that the whole aisle was fill with different kinds of candy manly chocolate.

He eyed his girlfriend of six months and the disgusted look that she held as she continued to sneer at the display in front of them. “What’s wrong with Valentine’s Day Katara?” he wanted to know, leaning forward on the handle of the cart, getting curious about what her reasoning was behind her comment. Katara ignored his question and started to walk by the aisle, ignoring the pink and red display completely as she walked over towards the meat aisle of Kroger. “Got a bad experience?” he tried again, rolling his molten eyes when she had ignored him.

Katara scoffed at her boyfriend’s questioning when she had leaned over to look at different types of meat, trying to decide on what kind of meat to get for tonight. She couldn’t decide if she wanted the 97% lean of meat or the 95% lean of meat. Katara frowned when she felt Zuko’s stare burning at her back and she rolled her eyes. “Nope,” she finally answered, moving down the long aisle that held the meat. “Hmm,” she whispered as she picked up another package of meat, studying it as she read the label that was on the corner. “Do I want the 95% or the 97%?”

“You would want the 97% Katara,” Zuko answered the question for her, knowing full well that she would always get the 97% lean of meat. He rolled his eyes when he watched her place the meat into the cart and he lightly tapped Katara’s legs with the cart which earned him a glare and he had completely ignored it. “Come on, what’s wrong with Valentine’s Day?” he prompted again.

Katara crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him with a small sigh. “It’s just a stupid holiday. I don’t get why we have one day to celebrate with someone that we care about. It should be every day, not just one stupid day. To me it’s just pointless,” she explained, huffing as she shook her head, making her dark hair bounce around her.

Zuko studied his girlfriend as he thought about what he should say next. He has to be honest with himself, he didn’t exactly know what her feelings towards Valentine’s Day until that very moment. In a few days it was coming up, but he didn’t exactly know what he should do about the holiday because the conversation had never once come up until now. He decided to play it safe to see what her next response would be. “I get what you mean. It can put a lot of pressure on the couple and sometimes it can hurt the relationship if the expectations were not met.”

“Exactly Zuko!” Katara said, agreeing with her boyfriend. “It should be every day,” she scoffed, placing a hand on the edge of the cart and started to pull it and Zuko started to push it to help her. “That’s why I don’t celebrate it. It’s just another day for me.”

Zuko frowned at her words but didn’t say anything else about Valentine’s Day. Instead of saying anything Zuko just stared at her beautiful long brown hair that was swaying back and forth as she continued to walk down different aisles of Kroger, trying to decide if that was her honest feelings about this holiday because if it was, he was damn glad that he had chosen her to be his girlfriend.

There’s only one other person that knows Katara more than him and that person was Sokka. He made a mental note to give her older brother a call to find out if what she was saying about Valentine’s Day was true or was it a lie.

~*~*~*~*

“You mean to tell me that she had always hated Valentine’s Day Sokka?” Zuko asked over the phone the very next day, leaning back against the headboard of his bed and kicked his feet up as he tried to get settled comfortably.

“Oh yea!” Katara’s older brother said, scoffing. “Always hated it! What a total weirdo.”

Zuko pursed his lips together at his comment about Katara being weird. To him it wasn’t weird to not like a holiday. He should know. However, he wanted to know exactly the reason behind it and that was why he had called her older brother.

“But why though?” he asked, sighing heavily as he used a hand to run through his thick raven hair. Zuko knows deep down there must be a reason why Katara doesn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. He tried to bring it up again while she was making dinner that night in her apartment, but her explanation was still the same. “I tried asking if she had a bad experience and she said no. Is that true?”

Sokka laughed into the phone loudly, making Zuko pull away the phone from his ear to save his hearing. “Yup! She had never had a bad experience. The guys never got that far. Unfortunately, some did try to ask her to be their Valentine and when that happens, she would dump them. Soooo, if you were planning anything for tomorrow just don’t. Your relationship would be over if you do. And as your friend and Katara’s brother I am just here to warn you.”

Zuko narrowed his golden gaze at his dark red blanket that was folded neatly at the edge of his bed and bit the inside of his cheek. After a moment, he chuckled. “What’s so funny Sparky?” Sokka asked. Zuko scoffed at the silly nickname that he had received from one of their friends named Toph who was known for giving people weird nicknames.

“Let’s just say that I am glad that Katara’s my girlfriend.”

“Uhhhhhh, what do you mean by that? You better be damn glad that she’s your girlfriend!”

“Let’s just say that we have a lot more in common than I had ever realized, Sokka.”

~*~*~*~*

Katara sighed when she had walked over to her apartment keys that were in the glass bowl that was on top of a small wooden table and started to hum a random tune as she walked to her door to walk over to a Dollar Tree to get her favorite ice cream and to rent her favorite movie Mean Girls from one of those movie renting machines.

She had always had this tradition for Valentine’s Day ever since she could remember. It truly did not bother her that she doesn’t celebrate the holiday and was highly confused as to why Zuko kept bringing it up, wondering why he kept asking her about the stupid holiday that was today. She worried her lower lip as she ponders on what to do because she has not heard from him all day and she hopes no prays that Zuko wasn’t out trying to surprise her on Valentine’s Day. She would be upset if she had to dump him on Valentine’s Day because of it.

Katara frowned at the doorknob and furrowed her brows together as she continues to think heavily and opened the door, grunting when she had bumped into solid muscle on her way out and a strong arm quickly caught her before she had fell flat on her face. “What the hell?”

“Sorry. Are you alright Katara?” A baritone voice asked, making Katara look up to see Zuko standing in front of her with a small smile on his face. “Going somewhere?” he asked, quirking up his good brow at her with a hint of curiosity in his molten gaze.

“I’m actually on my way to the store. What are you doing here?” Katara asked, crossing her arms over chest and cocked her head to the side.

Zuko smirked at her when he had held up a bag in front of her. “Got that covered,” he told her. “Mint chocolate chip, right?” he asked, even though he had already knew the answer thanks to her older brother. He cleared his throat when Katara gave him a suspicious look. “I also got Mean Girls that we can watch while we eat it,” he continued, pulling out the square movie package that was also in the same bag as the ice cream.

“You talked to my brother didn’t you Zuko? I never once told you what my favorite movie or ice cream was,” she told him, looking at him accusingly as she unwrapped her arms to place them on her hips.

“I, uh,” Zuko stuttered out, clearing his throat when Katara glared at him. Moments later, he nodded his head at her question and sighed in defeat. “Look, today would’ve been our first Valentine’s Day together as a couple. I had no clue on how you felt about it the holiday until we had gone to the store the other day. That’s why I had to talk to your brother about it to find out the reason why,” he explained, rubbing the back of his neck nervously when he noticed that her glare was slowly going away but her sapphire eyes held a questioning look when he had looked at her. “I truly thought that you celebrate Valentine’s Day.”

“Zuko—” Katara started, trying to figure out where this whole conversation was heading. She was about to say something to him but was interrupted when her golden eyed boyfriend shook his head at her.

“What I’m trying to say here,” Zuko said with a sigh. “I also do not like Valentine’s Day. But I still want to spend time with you just like we would any other day. That’s why I came with your favorite things,” he told her, watching Katara’s cheeks turning pink when she looked down to stare at the ice cream and movie that was in his hand.

“Are you being honest with me right now? Because I am pretty sure that my brother told you that I’ve dumped a few guys that tried to surprise me on this stupid holiday.” Katara said, trying to test him to see how he would react.

Zuko scoffed at her skepticism and roll his eyes at her. “When have I ever lied to you?” he asked her in a serious tone.

Katara worried her lower lip when she looked down at the bag and movie again that was in his hand. She never thought that she would find someone that had dislike Valentine’s Day. She truly thought that she was the only person on Earth that had truly hated it. Her auburn-haired best friend named Suki even told her that she was crazy for hating the holiday of love! The men that she had dated in the past had never understood her reasonings as to why she couldn’t stand it.

She had to end things with her last boyfriend that she had before Zuko came into her life. His name was Aang. He was a nice man, very easy going, loving, and was always good to her. However, she had told him multiple times that she did not celebrate Valentine’s Day and he tried several times to surprise her with flowers and gifts and she couldn’t handle it anymore and had to dump him.

“Uh, Katara?” Zuko asked, wondering why his girlfriend was staring at him weirdly. “The ice cream is going to melt if we continue to stand out here.”

“R-right,” she said in a small voice, moving aside so he could enter inside her apartment. Once he was close enough, she grabbed his face with her hands to pull him in for a kiss, catching the raven-haired off guard but had immediately started to kiss her back.

“What was that for?” Zuko asked, panting heavily when he pressed his forehead against hers after they had pulled away.

“For understanding me. No one had understood me before or how I felt about today. I thought I would never find someone that had felt the same as me,” Katara told him honestly, worrying her lower lip.

Zuko responded by leaning in close to give her another kiss on her plush lips. He grunted when he felt Katara biting his lower lip, asking him permission to deep their kiss and he was happy to honor her wish and gladly opened his mouth so he could feel her tongue inside his mouth, making Katara moan when they pulled away the second time. “Anytime Katara,” he told her with a smile. “Now, let’s eat this ice cream and watch that horrible movie!”

“It’s not a horrible movie Zuko!”

“Yes, it is Katara.”

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

For Better or Worse Ch 4

Ok, so I’m going to say this now. I’m so sorry for leaving this as a cliffhanger. But the chapter was almost 8k words and I didn’t want to have an 18k word chapter. that’s a little much. Also, in case you’re wondering. I do ride motorcycles myself so that’s where most of this chapter came from. 

AO3

For Better or Worse

Chapter 4

“Remember, when I lean, you lean with me,” Nyx reminded her as they came across the first curve in the road.

Luna did as she was told and leaned with him, holding onto him a little tighter. As the ride progressed, Luna slowly let go of any concerns she had about the safety of riding the motorcycle with him. Nyx was proving to be a competent driver and soon she began to look forward to the curves and hills in the road. The parallels in riding the motorcycle and horses and chocobos were almost uncanny to the point that she really enjoyed it. It was just so….freeing. The wind running over them, the open road, being able to look around and really enjoy the fast moving scenery. But those curves, damn those were fun, leaning with him, feeling her whole body move in unison with his was...just...amazing. He didn’t mind her holding onto him in fact there were several instances where he would take his hand down off the handlebars just to press her hands and arms into him. Like he was checking to make sure she was still there. It was reassuring and sweet. There were even times where he would simply pat her arm and hold up a thumbs up to her as he glanced over his shoulder at her. She smiled and returned the gesture before returning her hands and arms to his waist.

When they finally stopped to refuel and relieve themselves, they double checked the map and plotted a new course.

“Well, if we take this way there’s this city, this one and this one.” Nyx pointed out.

“Well I don’t know about you but if we could stop somewhere with a decent shower and an actual bed that would be great.” Luna proposed as she shoved her hands into the pockets of the jacket before feeling something in one of the pockets.

“Ha,” Luna laughed before she pulled it out. A small wallet with an infinity symbol embossed onto the leather. “Oh no way!” She gushed as she eagerly opened it up.

“Ok, apparently, I’m Luna Ulric, and I’m from Galahd.” Luna said as she pulled the ID out of the wallet to look it over carefully before showing it to him.

“What?” Nyx said as he took it from her and looked at it closer in disbelief.  

“Hey, how come I…?” Nyx began before felling around in his own jacket to find a wallet of his own. “Ok, this works.” Nyx said as he pulled out his own to find his own ID and a credit card along with some cash.

“Ooh, look at your credit card.” Luna said as she looked at her own. “Bottom right corner.” She clarified.

“It’s the same infinity symbol.” Nyx shrugged.

“Exactly, a card without a limit. In the lore, the Pack contained a coin purse with the same symbol, but it would be empty to anyone who held it but the Guardian and the guarded. For them, you could dump it upside down and just coins would pour out of it like a never ending waterfall. So this is an updated version of that.” Luna explained with bright and excited smile as she squealed in uncontrolled glee.

Nyx smiled and laughed as he shook his head.

“We should probably stop at a store and get supplies like shampoo and conditioner and soap and stuff. Also a change of clothes or two wouldn’t hurt. This bike has saddle bags that look to be empty so we have space for a few things.” Luna noted happily before Nyx got back on the bike so she could get back on herself.

They rode until they reached the first city and pulled off when they found a suitable hotel with all kinds of stores and restaurants around it. They stopped at the hotel first to reserve a room before going out and getting what they needed.

“Oh, we need candy,” Luna said as she took the cart and carefully placed her helmet in the basket before she looked for the candy isle. “It’s been weird to ask for a candy bar from that bowl.” Luna murmured to him as they found the isle in question. “Ah yes, I’ll take one of these, and one of these, ooh, can’t forget this,” Luna chattered as she pulled various things off the shelves. Nyx rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but put his own favorite candy in the cart as well.

“Ooh, and junk food,” Luna added as she walked briskly to the other isle.

“I don’t care if I’ll have orange fingers, worth it,” Luna defended as she pulled a small orange bag of cheddar flavored snacks and put them in the cart. Nyx laughed as he pulled down his own chips and put them in the cart too. Gosh it had been way too long since either of them had the chance to eat anything that was so unhealthy yet oh so tasty.  

“Oh and pop, soda, whatever you call it,” Luna said as she went and pulled a two liter down and put it in the cart as well.

“Yeah, you can get pop, I’m getting beer.” Nyx remarked as he walked to the alcohol isle with Luna following him.

“This should do,” Nyx said as he put a six pack into the cart.

“Now we need soap and stuff.” Luna suggested as she turned and went to the other side of the store before getting side tracked by clothes placed in the middle of the store.

“I’m going to go get myself something.” Nyx said as he gestured to the men’s clothes section.

“Go for it, I’ll meet you in the shampoo, soap section.” Luna smiled as she waved him off.

Luna was grateful for the privacy as she picked out some underwear and another bra along with socks and a pair of pajamas and a swimsuit because the hotel had a pool and a hot tub and she was going to use them both.

She happily picked out all that she wanted and felt she would need for the next few days before heading to the meeting point. She found she had gotten there first and proceeded to try and choose what shampoo, conditioner and body wash she wanted.

By the time Nyx found her she was still deciding.

“Why did you get a bathing suit?” Nyx asked as he noticed a tiny piece of it poking out from her other clothing choices.  

“Because the hotel has a hot tub and a pool, tell me you’re not going to use at least the hot tub.” Luna proposed before Nyx pursed his lips.

“You’re right, I’ll be right back.” Nyx nodded as he left and headed back to the clothes section to get himself swim trunks.

When he came back Luna was still trying to decide what to get.

“Good lord, just pick something already,” Nyx complained.

Luna glared at him before she huffed and continued to look.

“This is an important matter that needs careful thought.” Luna defended sarcastically.  

“No it’s not, just pick something,” Nyx prodded.

“Fine, I’m getting this and this and this then.” Luna said as she put them in the cart.

“Why are you getting two things of conditioner?” Nyx deadpanned.

“One is for me, and the other is for you.” Luna informed him.

“I got a two in one, it has conditioner in it already.” He explained as he went to grab it and take it out.

“Not enough,” Luna batted his hand away. “You need a serious, heavy duty conditioner because it was like having straw waving in my face today.” Luna pointed out as she gestured to his hair before grabbing the ends for emphasis. “See, your ends are crunchy, hair shouldn’t be crunchy,” Luna emphasized.

Nyx blushed slightly at the interaction but didn’t move to distance himself either.

“And don’t worry, I’ve already smelled it, it’s not going to make you smell ‘girly’ if that’s what you’re afraid of,” Luna assured him as she pushed the cart to find hair accessories.

“Oh, I need hair ties,” Luna said as she found a pack that had different sizes before picking out a small comb and brush too.

“Are we done yet?” Nyx whined.

“Yes, we’re done, unless you can think of anything we’re forgetting.” Luna answered.

“There’s no way all of this is going to fit on the bike.” Nyx pointed out.

“We will find a way, besides, this Pack has a cool trick still up it’s sleeve.” Luna winked as they walked to check out.

Once out in the parking lot, Luna put their things on the ground before taking the pack off and finding little ties in the sides and bottom and undoing them.

“I need you to hold all this stuff,” Luna requested of the bag before Nyx opened up the saddle bags and started to put some things away in there as he watched her out of the corner of his eye. To his surprise, it was like the Pack suddenly became Marry Poppins bag that didn’t didn’t seem to have a bottom as Luna put bag after bag in the Pack.

“Tada!” Luna cheered as she picked the Pack up and put it over her shoulder.

“Shouldn’t that weigh a lot?” Nyx asked.

“No, I mean it’s a little heavier than before but not too heavy,” Luna remarked as she waited for him to get on and stabilize the bike before getting back on herself.

Once back at the hotel, they parked the bike and took the grocery bags from the saddle bags and walked in to find their room.

Once in the room they unloaded their bags onto the king size bed before Luna took the pack off and dumped the contents out.

“This is the bag that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend...” Luna began to sing as they watched the contents fall out.  

“No, don’t start that shit, I won’t get it out of my head,” Nyx warned her before she laughed in response.

“You’re no fun,” Luna teased as she stuck her tongue out at him as they sorted through their newly acquired things.

“Uh huh,” Nyx shook his head as he pulled out his things from the lot before putting the new clothes aside and his toiletries and stuff in the bathroom.

Luna put her toiletries away in the bathroom too, bumping into Nyx several times as they tried to get around each other before going through the clothes and picking out an outfit.

“How about we go out for dinner?” Luna suggested.

“Sure, where did you want to go?” Nyx asked.

“I don’t know, somewhere we can sit down at table or booth or something.” Luna shrugged as she gathered her things. “I’m going to get a shower.” Luna announced as she walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind her.

Nyx sat in the little living area the room had and turned on the TV. He watched the news first and they showed Insomnia, still in shambles before it was announced that the world was still mourning the loss of King Regis along with Lady Lunafreya, the Oracle, who was presumed to be dead as well, even though no body was found. Suddenly, it dawned on Nyx that he could call Libertous and let him know that he was ok.

He got up and walked over to the phone before picking it up and dialing Libertous’ cell number.

“Hello?” Libertous asked curiously.

“Hey Hero,” Nyx smiled.

“Nyx! Where the hell are you?” Libertous asked.

“I’m fine, I’m on my way to Altissia,” Nyx answered as he tried to keep his voice quiet.  

“How did you get out of the city? I looked for you for days, I went to your apartment and salvaged that cork board of yours,” Libertous informed him.

“It’s a really long story,” Nyx said. “Look, I’m with the Princess, I’m following my last order to get her to Altissia safely but you can’t tell anyone, the Empire thinks she’s dead and we need it to stay that way so we don’t get hunted down.”

“Got it, right, right, sorry man, she talked me into letting her leave by herself.” Libertous tried to explain.

“Yeah she’s good and talking her way into getting whatever she wants.” Nyx chuckled.

“But you’re safe, you’re not hurt or anything?” Libertous asked again.

“I’m fine, I’m not hurt, Luna’s...I mean, the Princess, is not hurt, we’re fine, we’re ok.” Nyx assured his friend. “Are you still going back to Galahd?” Nyx asked.

“Yeah, there’s nothing left to keep me in Insomnia,” Libertous answered. “When are you coming back?” Libertous asked.

“I don’t know,” Nyx answered.

“Well how are you calling me?” Libertous questioned.

“We stopped at a hotel, I’m using our room phone. I guess I should get another cell phone huh?” Nyx guessed.

“Yeah and then call me again,” Libertous stressed.

“I will, I will, I should go,” Nyx said as he tried to end the conversation.

“Hey, what should I tell everyone?” Libertous asked.

“Don’t tell them anything, but keep my board ok?” Nyx instructed.

“I will, thank you for calling me and letting me know you’re ok,” Libertous said.

“You got it bud, I’ll call you again when I get a phone, take care of yourself.” Nyx insisted.

“You too,” Libertous replied before they ended the call.

Nyx blew out a breath of relief, at least Libertous knew he was alive and at least Libertous was ok too.

“Who was that?” Luna asked as she appeared out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her head and dressed in her new clothes.

“Libertous, I called to tell him I was ok,” Nyx answered.

“Are you sure that was safe?” Luna questioned.

“Yeah, I can trust Libertous to have my back, he won’t tell anyone.” Nyx assured her.

“Ok,” Luna said, believing him before taking her hair out of the towel and combing it out again.

“Hey, Nyx? How do women in Galahd, wear their hair usually? My ID said that I’m from Galahd and I want to look like I come from there,” Luna explained.

“Uh,” Nyx stuttered as he tried to remember how his mom and his sister did their hair. “Well, you don’t have to, I doubt...” Nyx tried to counter.

“But I want to,” Luna insisted as she finished combing out her hair.

“Well, usually, they braid this tiny little piece and drape it...” Nyx tried to explain as he traced the direction of the braid across his own forehead.

“So like this?” Luna mirrored.

“Well, that’s if you’re not married, if a woman is married the braid goes the other way.” Nyx clarified.

“Well I’m assuming by my ID that our cover is that we’re married and we’re on vacation or something, so my little braid would go like this then?” Luna said as she grabbed a small piece of hair from the other side and draped it over her forehead in the opposite direction as before.

“I guess?” Nyx shrugged.

“Want a divorce already?” Luna teased.

“No,” Nyx shook his head no as he chuckled.

“Good, ok so you should get a shower and I’ll try to figure this braid thing out.” Luna suggested as she pulled the chair out from the desk and set it in front of the dresser where a mirror was and put her hair things on top of the dresser before attempting to get her hair to cooperate.

“Don’t forget to use the hair conditioner!” Luna reminded him loudly after he was in the shower for a few minutes.

“But I don’t wanna!” He called back sarcastically.

“Don’t make me come in there and do it for you!” Luna threatened before she giggled.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Nyx called her bluff.

“Oh wouldn’t I?” Luna purred as she opened the bathroom door and peek her head around it. She knew she wouldn’t see anything, the shower had a cloth shower curtain that obscured any view. The action made Nyx practically jump out of his skin he fumbled the stupid bottle and it clattered to the bottom of the tub after falling on his foot. His strangled, startled yelp caused Luna to laugh so hard. Ugh to see his face would have been priceless.

“Fuck! Luna!” Nyx growled as he nearly slipped and hurt himself.

“Make sure you use a lot and let the conditioner soak in for a few minutes,” Luna reminded him firmly before shutting the door again and going back to try and get this little braid right.  

“Fuck,” Nyx hissed as he picked it up and rolled his eyes as he begrudgingly poured out a glob of it and put it in his hair.

“It’s oily!” He complained.

“Silky,” Luna protested. “Soft, won’t irritate my face,” Luna added.

“I got something that will irritate your face...” Nyx muttered under his breath.

“What was that?” Luna asked, not hearing what he said.

“Nothing,” Nyx called back. Gosh she fit into the roll of a nagging wife all too easily.

‘Just wife would be nice,’ his heart sighed.

‘Oh no, not you too,’ his reason argued.

‘It’s called our ‘cover’, act the part, call her darling or baby or honey or something,’ his heart suggested.

‘Ok that...may not be a bad idea,’ his sense of reason reasoned.

Nyx rinsed the stuff out of his hair and tried to rinse the rest of it off before he got out and got dressed in the bathroom.

When he got out he could see Luna trying to get the braid right but she was getting frustrated.

“Want some help?” Nyx asked.

Luna huffed before she bowed her head in defeat. “Yes,” Luna admitted as she undid the last failed attempt to get the braid right.

Nyx smiled as he walked over and combed out her hair again before his quick and nimble fingers found just the right amount of hair to go into the braid before getting to task.

“You braid so fast.” Luna said as she remained seated and watched him work from the mirror.

“A lot of practice.” Nyx smiled at her from the mirror before focusing back on the braid and within moments, he was done, he took one of the smallest hair ties she had gotten and tied the end before letting go of her hair.

“There,” Nyx said as he looked at his handy work.

“Thank you Nyx,” Luna said graciously as she gathered the rest of her hair and put it into a bigger braid. “Should help with the helmet hair thing.” Luna shrugged as she quickly braided the rest of her hair.

“Ready?” Luna asked as she stood.

“Yeah, let me get my boots on,” Nyx answered as he took a new pair of socks and his boots over to the chair in the sitting room and put them on.

“Oh, the hotel offers a laundry service, so if we put our clothes in this bag, they will get washed and returned to us in the morning.” Luna explained as she put her old clothes in the bag to get laundered.

“Ok,” Nyx agreed as he gathered his own clothes from the bathroom and put them in the bag too. Luna filled out the laundry tag and put on the door handle before calling down to the front desk and letting them know they had a laundry bag.

She went to put on her jacket and checked the pocket to make sure the Ring of the Lucii was still there, only to find two more rings along with it.

She pulled all three out to look at them closely.

“What do you have there?” Nyx asked as he put his own jacket back on.

“Wedding rings I think, I found them with the Ring of the Lucii,” Luna answered as she took the matching wedding bands and put them in Nyx’s hand.

“For our cover?” Luna guessed.

“Sure if you want,” Nyx agreed as he put the thicker of the bands on his left hand’s ring finger. “Huh, they got my ring size right.”

Luna simply presented her left hand for him to put the ring on her finger for her.

“With this ring, I take you, Nyx Ulric to be under cover husband,” Luna joked.

Nyx chuckled. “With this ring, I take you, Luna, to be under cover wife,” Nyx mirrored.

“You may now kiss the bride,” Luna smiled and stood up on her toes and quickly kissed him, taking him by surprise.

“Close enough,” Luna giggled as she turned and made sure she had a room key with her before they left, their motorcycle helmets in tow.

Nyx was completely floored and couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off his face even if he tried. He couldn’t believe she kissed him. Granted it was a quick, peck on the lips but she took him by such surprise that he barely could purse his lips for her to kiss them and he couldn’t act fast enough to kiss her back.

“Hey hun?” Nyx asked softly as they walked down the hall to the elevator.

“Yes?” Luna answered back sweetly. “What about the steak house?” Nyx suggested.

“Sounds great,” Luna smiled before they got on the elevator. Luna took a chance and slid her hand into his as they stood side by side in the quiet elevator and was supremely pleased that Nyx interlocked their hands together and held her hand.

“We’re just going to go for it huh?” Nyx guessed.

“Yup,” Luna beamed before the elevator opened again and they walked hand in hand out to their motorcycle to go have dinner.

Once they arrived at the restaurant, they joined hands again before Nyx let go so he could open the door for her.

“Aw, aren’t you chivalrous?” Luna gushed as she walked in through the open door.

“I try,” Nyx smiled as he continued to hold the door open for others that were going out.

“Ulric, table for two,” Luna informed the hostess before Nyx appeared next to her.

“Ten minutes,” the hostess told them as she handed them a buzzer for them to wait in the waiting room.

“Thank you, could I see a menu?” Luna asked before the hostess gave her one.

Luna thanked the hostess again before they found a spot in the waiting area.

Nyx sat down and put his arm on the back of the bench before Luna sat next to him and leaned into his open side and looked the menu over, trying to figure out what she wanted to eat.

Nyx glanced over at it, already having a good idea of what he wanted.

Within five minutes their buzzer went off and they stood and went to the podium to return their buzzer before they were led to their table.

Nyx tried to ignore how most of the guys at all the other tables took notice of Luna as she walked though the restaurant. But then they took one at him and immediately averted their gaze.

‘Damn straight mother fuckers, she’s with me,’ Nyx smirked as he took his seat.

Their waitress came and got their drink orders and Nyx was not surprised in the least that Luna ordered a fruity cocktail.

“I’ll just take a draft,” Nyx said as he picked out the beer he was going to drink. Nothing that would really get him that buzzed but it would relax him.

They ordered and enjoyed their meal as it progressed.

Luna noticed that their server, although polite seemed to be making eyes at Nyx and would look in his direction every so often before talking with the other waitresses. Luna tried not to get jealous. She knew very well how handsome Nyx was and knew that once they were around other people, this kind of thing was bound to happen. But what really made her heart soar was the fact that Nyx didn’t seem like he noticed or cared. His gaze scanned the room every so often but she assumed that was Nyx being alert to their surroundings which he always was. She did notice however that more than a few guys had been making eyes at her throughout their meal but Luna coolly ignored them. She was with Nyx her husband, well, sort of, why would she ever need to look at any other man?

‘Well, except Noctis,’ her reason pointed out.

‘Yeah but Noctis isn’t here, you need to play your part and enjoy your time with Nyx, who knows how much time you have left with him anyway, make the most of it.’ Her heart urged.

Then a young family was seated near them and Luna’s heart nearly melted at the sight of their children, the youngest was a baby, maybe six, seven months old? It was sitting up on it’s own and drooling on it’s teething toys but was otherwise the most darling thing Luna had seen in a while.

Nyx followed her gaze to where the family was sitting behind him.

“What a cute baby,” Luna said softly.

“Yeah,” Nyx agreed with a smile of his own. The baby turned and looked at Luna who lit up and gave the baby the biggest, brightest smile she could. The baby smiled back and started babbling at her. The mother of the child leaned over to see the interaction between Luna and her child and smiled at Luna herself before attending to her other children.

Luna put her hands over her face and played ‘peek a boo’ with the baby who laughed hysterically.

Nyx couldn’t help but laugh himself at her antics. The baby threw it’s teether at Luna but Nyx caught it mid air much to the baby’s astonishment.

“Did you drop something?” Nyx asked as he turned slightly to hand it back to the baby.

“Thank you. Sorry,” The dad said as he took the toy from Nyx to hand back to the baby himself.

“It’s ok, I don’t mind,” Nyx smiled.

Now the baby became obsessed with the throwing it’s toy at Nyx just to watch him catch it, every time he did, the baby continued to rock with laughter as it started to clap.

“You should eat.” The mother tried to insist as she cut up the baby’s food into tiny bites so it could eat too.

“Listen to mom, time to eat,” Nyx gently insisted as he gave the toy back to the dad.

“Thank you so much,” The mother thanked them.

“You’re welcome,” Nyx replied, giving her a slight nod before turning around in his seat to face Luna once again before going back to finishing his meal.

“Aww, when are you going to give me one of those?” Luna fawned and laughed when Nyx choked on his beer, the liquid coming up into his nasal cavity, slightly, causing him to cough and sneeze as he tried to stave off choking as his eyes watered because it burned. Nyx snatched up his napkin and tried to blow out his nose as he tried to remember how to breathe normally. The family behind him couldn’t help but laugh along with Luna at his reaction. Luna did that on purpose.

“Well, we can try tonight if you want,” Nyx answered smoothly once he recovered and was rewarded with Luna’s eyes widening in surprise as she gasped slightly, nearly choking on her own drink before he chuckled to himself. Two could play that game.

“Promises, promises,” Luna purred back as she blushed deeply before she changed the subject.

Goodness gracious this was fun.

When the bill came, Luna gestured for the waitress to come closer so she could ask her something. Luna leaned up and murmured something that Nyx couldn’t make out. The waitress nodded and opened up her notepad to show Luna something and Luna dug into her jacket to get her wallet before she handed the waitress her card.

“I thought I was paying for dinner?” Nyx asked curiously.

“You are, paying for our dinner.” Luna answered him with a small smile.

“Then what was that?” Nyx inquired as he gestured to the exchange Luna had with the waitress.

“Oh I’m paying for that family’s meal. Raising a family is hard and expensive and I rarely get the chance to bestow kindness like this,” Luna answered with her voice dropped so that the other family didn’t overhear. Nyx was proud of her for being so generous.

The waitress returned with their cards and both of them wrote out generous tips before sliding their cards back into their prospective wallets before taking their leave. Luna made sure to waive a small waive and a smile to the family before they walked out.

“That was really fun,” Luna hummed as they got back on the motorcycle to go back to their hotel.

“Hot tub?” Nyx asked as they walked into the hotel.

“Oh yeah,” Luna confirmed as they made their way back to their room.

“I call the bathroom,” Luna said as she grabbed her suit and stole away into the bathroom to change.

“Whatever,” Nyx shook his head as he got undressed before putting his swim trunks on and turned the TV back on as he waited for her.

“Ready?” Luna asked as she came out of the bathroom in her bikini, a simple, black bikini.

‘Fuck, she’s hot,’ Nyx couldn’t help himself from thinking.

“Yup,” Nyx nodded as he jumped up and turned the TV off.

“Towel?” Luna offered as she handed him one from the bathroom.

“Thanks,” Nyx said as he took it from her and strategically put it in front of him to help hide the erection that had sprung in his trunks as he tried not to stare at her lovely form as they made their way down to the inside pool and hot tub.

“Oh good they have towels down here,” Luna said as she came into the heated room and found a cart full of them and grabbed a few and put them on a chair for them. Before they made their way to the hot tub. Luna got in first and sank into the hot water and blew out a breath of relief as the stress and tension in her body began to float away.

Nyx groaned in appreciation as he got into the water and tilted his head back as his eyelids closed as he relaxed into the water himself.

“We should have been doing this all along,” Luna muttered as she relaxed in the hot tub.

“Well, we’re doing it now,” Nyx remarked as he didn’t bother to open his eyes as they continued to relax.

Soon however, he heard another guy clear his throat as he came over to get into the hot tub himself.

“Well hello there,” He greeted Luna smoothly.

Luna’s eyes snapped open as she quickly turned her head to consider who was talking to her and found that he wasn’t looking at her face, instead he was looking at her body, rather greedily and it made her feel instantly uncomfortable. “Hello,” Luna greeted back politely but instinctively went across the small pool to sit next to Nyx again, Nyx instinctively put his arms up to rest on the edge of the hot tub and Luna nestled as close as physically possible into his side and shoulder, using his arm as her head rest. The guy’s face fell slightly at the realization that they were together.

Nyx couldn’t help but grin triumphantly as Luna settled once more into him as she attempted to relax again.

“So where are you from?” The guy asked Luna. “Galahd,” Nyx answered calmly as he leveled a look at the guy.

“Wow, what are you doing all the way out here?” He asked.

“Vacation.” Nyx answered concisely.

“Oh,” The guy nodded.

Things were awkwardly quiet for a few moments before another couple, a much older one, came out from the pool and joined them.

“Oh come on Frank,” the older woman tittered. “Hey guys, how are you this evening?” She greeted warmly.

“Fine, how are you this evening?” Luna returned warmly in turn.

“Oh fine, fine, just on our way to see the grandkids,” the woman answered as she sat down in the hot tub.

“You don’t look old enough to have grandchildren,” Luna flattered.

“Oh aren’t you a sweet thing?” The woman waved off.

“I wish,” the other guy grumbled to himself under his breath but everyone ignored him.

“Oh sweetie I have several grandkids,” the woman explained.

“Keeping them all straight is a problem,” the older man laughed as he came in and sat down himself.

Something about him reminded Nyx of his own grandfather.

“I’m Frank by the way,” the older man introduced himself to Nyx.

“Nyx,” Nyx nodded as he shook Frank’s hand.

“Nick?” Frank repeated.

“No, Nyx,” Nyx repeated.

“Nicks,” Frank said with a nod before turning to the other guy.

“James,” he nodded as he shook Frank’s hand as well before Frank turned to Luna.

“What’s your name?” Frank asked politely.

“Luna,” Luna smiled as she shook his hand too.

“Oh lovely to meet you Luna, I’m Betty,” the older woman introduced herself and shook Luna’s hand too.

“Lovely to meet you too,” Luna smiled.

“So how many grandchildren do you have Betty?” Luna inquired curiously.

“Seven,” Betty smiled before listing all of them off along with their ages.

James quickly lost interest and left to go swim in the pool while the two couples talked. Once James had left Luna moved to the other side of Nyx so that herself and Betty could talk more easily.

“What happened to your chest son?” Frank asked Nyx.

“Oh, I was...struck by lighting,” Nyx answered, figuring that was the best way to describe how the King’s magic affected his body.

“Oh, lucky guy to have survived.” Frank said.

“Yeah, lucky,” Nyx nodded.

“So was that before or after you met your wife?” Frank inquired.

“Before,” Nyx nodded as he looked from Frank to Luna who was deep in conversation with Betty.

“How did you two meet?” Frank asked. “Honey,” Nyx said as he gently stroked Luna’s arm to get her attention. “Yes dear?” Luna asked as she paused her current conversation to consider him.

“Frank wants to know how we met.” Nyx posed.

“University,” Luna quickly answered as if she had been waiting for someone to ask her that very question. “Yes I was taking Political Science and Medicine and Nyx was taking...what again?” Luna asked, completely unsure of what to come up with for him.

“Security and Law Enforcement.” Nyx supplied.

“Oh that’s right,” Luna nodded in agreement. “Yeah we formally met at a party, it was really romantic, I didn’t hardly know anyone there but there was really pretty fireworks,” Luna supplied. “We just...hit it off and became inseperable ever since.” Luna smiled.

“Aww, and how long have you two been married?” Betty asked.  

“Less than a year.” Luna answered.

“Aww, still honeymooners.” Betty gushed.

“Yeah,” Luna giggled as Nyx pulled her to him to kiss her temple.

“Aren’t you two precious, well I wish you the best, you two look really happy. And I’m happy we could scare that other guy off, he couldn’t take his eyes off you since you walked into the pool room.” Betty revealed.

“Yeah I know,” Nyx nodded.

“Problem with being with beautiful women, everyone wants to be with them too.” Frank remarked. “I still keep a baseball bat around for when guys can’t take their eyes off of you,” Frank told his wife. “Oh stop you,” Betty gushed as she pat Frank’s chest.

“Does that mean I need to keep like two baseball bats?” Nyx posed to Luna.

“Three,” Luna laughed.

“Well, we should get going, it was lovely talking with you, enjoy your stay and I hope you make it to your grandchildren safely.” Luna bid them as Nyx and herself got up and out of the hot tub.

“They were lovely,” Luna said as they made their way back to their room.

“Yup,” Nyx agreed.

Luna and Nyx took turns rinsing off hot tub water before getting dressed in pajamas and digging into their junk food as they watched TV from the little sofa in their room. They shared their snacks as they watched various things before settling on Nyx’s favorite cartoons. Luna laid her head onto Nyx’s shoulder as she felt herself grow sleepy. Nyx moved his arm so that she could lean into his side once more as Nyx wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He could get used to this.

They stayed that way until Luna fell asleep. Nyx felt her body sag and tilted his head forward to try and see her face, he moved her bangs out of her face, his fingertips finding and following the delicate braid draped across her forehead. Goodness gracious she was beautiful.

‘Nocits is a lucky guy,’ his reason reminded him. The thought brought him back to reality and caused his heart to restrict painfully in his chest. For all of this pretending and flirting, he couldn’t change who he was and who she was and what her future would most likely be. He thought about what his options were, if Noctis and Luna did end up getting married, would he stay? Would he stay in the Glaive? Would he resign himself to be a soldier once again or would he return to Galahd? If he stayed, how close could he reasonably and realistically stay with her? Would they be friends, he was already sworn to protect the King, would he serve Prince Noctis the same way he had served his father? Would he let his affections for Luna...would he turn into Drautos and serve a King he would loathe because he felt and somehow knew in every fiber of his being that he could love the Queen better than the King could. Or would he simply leave it all behind. Could he live with himself either way?

Luna’s face twisted slightly as she started to wake up. Nyx’s breathing had quickened along with his heart rate and his heart was pounding under her ear.

“What’s wrong?” Luna asked as she tried to wake up a little to sit up.

“Nothing,” Nyx answered as he tried to silence his thoughts.

“What time is it?” Luna asked as she looked about the room for a clock.

“Late, we should get to bed.” Nyx answered as he sat up.

Luna hummed in agreement and got up and staggered over to the bed and put herself under the covers as Nyx turned off the lights and things in the room before settling in on the other side of the bed.

“Good night love, I hope you feel better,” Luna murmured drowsily as she yawned before she fell back asleep.

Nyx bit his lips in the dark, she was not making this easy. Heaven help him.

Luna could tell something was bothering Nyx but she was also too tired to argue with him she could sense the fear and anxiety radiate from him and didn’t know how to fix it. She could feel him start to close himself off to her again. But she knew why, he was trying to save himself, trying to save them both from unhappy futures always wondering ��what if’.

She had denied herself these kinds of relationships not knowing what exactly what her duties were going to ask of her in the future however she found herself wondering that if she gave into her wants, her temptations and desires just this once, letting herself live life to the fullest and ‘sow her wild oats’ so to speak if she could be satisfied in that fact so that she didn’t wonder ‘what if’ for the rest of her life, she would know for certain. But she also knew that Nyx had too much honor to really go for something like that.

The next morning, Nyx awoke to find Luna’s back to him but she wasn’t sleeping, she had already awoken and her eyes focused on nothing as she thought everything over.

When Nyx stretched as he started to wake up, Luna rolled over to face him once more.

“Good morning,” Luna greeted as she tried to contain her anxiousness.

“Good morning,” Nyx replied as he rolled over to face her. “When you wake up a bit, I need to talk to you,” Luna informed him.

“I’m pretty awake now...” Nyx answered hesitantly as he started to frown.

“Do I make you uncomfortable?” Luna posed.

“No,” Nyx quickly shook his head.

“Is pretending to be my husband asking too much of you emotionally?” Luna asked.

Nyx opened his mouth before the words died in his throat. He shut his mouth and subconciously held his breath for a moment before exhaling and closing his eyes.

“I...I don’t know how to answer that.” Nyx finally admitted.

“If it is, if you think that we are getting too close and that will compromise us. That’s...I will do my best to make peace with it... We can take the rings off, stop this charade and just try to get to Altissia as quickly as possible because once you do, once you fulfill your duty of seeing me to Altissia safely, you’re free, you’re free to go back to Galahd and to live out the rest of your life how you see fit, happy and content knowing you did all that was asked of you and move on with your life, forget all about me, forget all about any of this if you want.” Luna gave him an out. “It will be easier for you if we regain our professional distance.”

Luna bit her lips from keeping herself from talking any more. She knew that she needed to end it there. She closed her eyes shut as she prepared herself for him to say yes. She tried to keep her breathing under control even though her heart was pounding in her chest. She opened her eyes again needing to search those glorious blue eyes again, even if it was for one of the last times she ever would.

“What do you want?” Nyx asked. He needed to know if she really wanted what she was saying or if she was just trying to give him an out. “Honestly?” Luna asked, unsure if she should really speak her mind on the matter.

“Please, only ever be honest with me,” Nyx invited. “I really want to know what you want.” Nyx insisted.

Luna took a deep breath and tried to steady her voice.

“I have been fighting an inner war with myself because part of me, the sensible, wiser part, says we should do what I just proposed. That I’m better off not knowing any different and to ‘save myself’ any misery and heart ache that will come when we part ways. That’s mostly what my head tells me. My heart, my emotional part of me, keeps telling me to make the most of having you all to myself and to push off going to Altissia because I don’t want to be parted from you, for any reason, for any length of time and I know, that’s not reasonable, or realistic and extremely selfish but I just don’t care. I’m drawn to you on so many levels more than I have ever been drawn to anything or anyone before and I just want to jump head first into everything and live this small but pivotal time in my life to the fullest and not have any regrets or not wonder about all the ‘what ifs’ that will keep me up at night because I will know. I will know what it was like to be liked for myself and for once in my life to be ‘normal’ and not worry about the future or duty or obligation and just really, be in the moment, as long as you’re in that moment with me,” Luna disclosed quickly, trying to get it all out before she lost her nerve. “But only if you would want that too.” Luna added as she dropped her gaze, unable to hold his gaze any longer. She curled in on herself as she waited for his answer. She both dreaded and depended on it and felt her eyes gloss with tears that threatened to fall.

She saw something move out of the corner of her eye, it was his hand, reaching out to her, she moved to intercept it with her own hand but before she could, his hand had cupped her cheek and gently moved her face up to face him. When she looked up, he had moved across the bed and his face was now only a few inches away from hers.

“Ok,” Nyx whispered softly before finally claiming her mouth with his own.

[meltingalphabet]

Killing Kyle

You know you’re an impressive person, when other people try really hard to impress you.

I was not an impressive child. I was actually pretty unimpressive. To give you an idea of how thoroughly unimpressive I was, many east-coast school systems believed I was irreparably mentally handicapped. They realized I had a high IQ, specifically high 130s, low 140s. Not quite genius, but close. The fact that I couldn’t talk till middle school was surprising. I spent most of my childhood with specialists, who tried desperately to figure out why such an intelligent child was performing at such a low level. Finally, they gave up. I was deemed unfixable.

As I grew older, I began to ignore the experts and try to reconcile these two sides of me myself: the dumb, obvious half, and the intelligent unspoken half. In high school, I defied all expectations by flourishing. I spent valuable summers studying in college classes in order to advance to the next level of mathematics, science, literature, and history. I graduated with a high GPA, and got into an ivy league university with an entire semester of college credits already under my belt. I spent my college years taking two more classes each semester than required, and graduated on time with two degrees instead of just one. I got a high-paying job in the city immediately after school.

I was born with a need to compensate for myself. I learned fast how to overcompensate. And thirty years later, I am very, very good at it.

Yet, I still have to pay several hundred dollars a week for therapy, psychotherapy, and drugs. Just because I look successful, doesn’t mean I am.

“It’s Elizabeth.” I say to the intercom. I hear a buzzer from inside the front entrance sound, and I push the door open. The Brooklyn brownstone, now converted into an apartment building, is narrow, so as I enter I must be careful to sidestep the pile of packages waiting for the upper middle-class, one child, two parents city families to arrive home from karate and clarinet lessons.

Rachel, my therapist, likes to talk about my parents a lot. About being exposed to sexuality at too young an age, about being moved from city to city, state to state, about being underestimated, about being ignored. She’s very fascinated with them. To be honest, it’s a bit of an obsession. But somedays, we move away from them.

“How’s the thing with Kyle going?” She asks. I can feel my cheekbones burn as I glance at the warped caramel wood floor. His name isn’t Kyle, but I don’t tell her that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my therapist. But I’m not confident she’d be ok with the knowledge that Kyle is a pseudonym for one of her other patients. I’m worried if I ever told her, she’d disown me as a client. And I don’t think I could handle that.

Clients aren’t supposed to be connected outside of therapy, right? You and your therapist are supposed to be a bubble, completely removed from the outside world, unaffected by anything that doesn't exist within that one hour every week?

Like most over-achievers and alcoholics, I’m a little insane.

I shrug at Rachel. The Kyle things ok, I say. It’s underwraps.

I had sex with Kyle. I’m not going to lie, it was pretty great. Amazing, really. I don’t know if he’d agree. I’m not convinced he’s not a total slut. He broke it off though. He thought it’d get too complicated. Him being my boss and all.

Whatever. He’s a fucking basic bitch. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with him. He’s so… unimpressive. So typical. Yet, I can’t go to sleep without thinking about him. Scott texts me and I hope it’s him. Jared calls and my heart flutters with the idea that it’s Kyle. It’s never Kyle though. He has better things to do than to care about me.

But I know that’s selling him short. One drunken night, I opened up myself to him and he encouraged me to seek help, even giving me his therapist’s number.

“I’m sure she’d be happy to help you find someone you could talk to.”

I’m sure he didn't expect me to see her. I’m not really sure why I did. I often shrug it off as that quiet, highly intelligent but crazy part of me.

I’ve been seeing her for months. I love her. I want to stop loving Kyle. But….

We had a meeting the other week. Me, Kyle, and Jacelyn. Jacelyn. That fucking fat thighed cunt. I watched, bile rising to my throat, as she hugged him like an old friend. As she rested her hand on his arm, explaining the specifics of statistical averages or some bullshit I don’t really care about. He doesn’t hug me. He doesn’t text me. He doesn’t care if I show up or not. I could die in the streets and he wouldn’t notice.

“Elizabeth who?” He’d ask, before brushing his brown hair out of his eyes and taking a sip of coffee.

I could be stabbed by a homeless man, raped by a drunk frat boy, butchered by a deranged psychokiller, and Kyle would shrug before showing up late to my funeral, some size 0 floozy on his arm.

Maybe that’s why I’m obsessed with him? Because he cares so little for me. I’ve been dumped before. A lot, really. I’m not the type of person to do the dumping. I am the type to emotionally manipulate someone else into dumping me. Rachel and I are working on that.

Fucking Jacelyn. The flighty bitch. I don’t even really hate her. I just hate him that much. Yet, I know if he called me, asked me to leave some important event to wait hopelessly at a bar just to be stood up, like I knew I would be, I’d drop everything.

I feel powerless. I feel fucking pissed. After our meeting ended, as I drowned myself in cheap beer and tequila and cigarettes, I fantasized about killing him, about crushing his throat with the weight of my pain, frustration, and hatred. I know I couldn’t though. I know I’d stop. I love him too much.

Luckily, sometimes, the universe provides for us. Last month, it provided something hours with Rachel could never provide: visceral satisfaction.

I live in Manhattan. I’m not bragging, it’s just a fact. Something going to a high end school afforded me, while leaving my bank account in the negative for the rest of my life. I was taking the 6 train home, as I do every night. It was late.

The train was filled, but not crowded. I had the privilege, as a lone white woman, of sitting in a row of seats by myself. Or it could have been that I was in the back corner, a place reserved for the handicap or half passed out drunk college kids at 2am.

A group of young men occupied the row beside me and in front of me, whooping and hollering like a gaggle of monkeys, dangling from the ceiling rails as they pursed their lips outward, echoing each other’s cries of misogyny and ego.

My eyes glanced over at a businessman, sitting half hidden behind the group. His face taut with concentration as he stared at his phone. I snorted silently to myself as I saw the reflection of his screen in the window behind him: he was playing Candy Crush.

Rolling my eyes, I looked to the other side of the car. My gaze fell on a young woman, probably in her early twenties. Her sleeveless blouse was loose, gently hugging the curves of her chest before billowing out around her slim waist. I lingered on her toned arms, tanned from the summer sun. I thought of my eyes as Kyle's, admiring her femininity with lust.

I looked down at the novel my friend recommended, that had been sitting, neglected, in my purse for the past few months. It was a classic, and the character discussed her prospects of marriage too much for my tastes.

I glazed over the words, my mind lingering unwillingly on Kyle’s scent. He smelled warm and clean, like laundry detergent, yet no one else I knew was followed that much by the scent of clean clothes. He couldn’t be the only one to use that detergent. How does he smell so strongly? It’s like an aerial glue, that pulls at me in every conference, or when he pops by my office to pick something up. It catches in my nose, like the hook on a fisherman’s line, and tugs at me, despite how unwilling I am to follow.

My legs were crossed, and I bobbed my dangling foot in the air. I’ve never been one for sitting still. I’m sure Rachel would say that’s somehow related to that time I walked in on my parents having sex. Five years after their divorce. Not that it was the first time I’d walked in on my father having sex. Just the first time it was with my mother. I remember being nine and seeing his girlfriend’s bare breasts, her large dark nipples protruding as I looked on, wide-eyed, at a scene I couldn’t fully comprehend.

Rachel wasn’t surprised to learn, that the few times I’ve had sex with other women, I seemed to have quite the tit fetish.

I sometimes wonder if that’s why my ex-husband eventually wanted to get a boob job. Or if it was his gender-fluidness I was attracted to in the first place. Or if that’s why I was attracted to Kyle. And Scott. And Jared. They were bros, through and through. Maybe I wanted less female influence in my sex life. Rachel would say that was me fucking less like my dad, and fucking more like I was being fucked by him.

Fucking therapists and their Oedipus complex.

My foot shook with the impatience of sitting still, the old-fashioned yellow subway seat beneath my bare thighs as my business skirt hiked it’s way up towards my lap. I didn’t care. Modesty was never my thing.

I thought of my lifeless corpse, bloated with murky water and cold to the touch, being dragged up from the Hudson, a dull red slit from ear to ear. I imagined the detective, his hand expertly crawling up my thigh, as he examined the bruises my killer left. His signature on my pale skin. Kyle getting a call, telling him I was dead. Him nodding silently, the phone clutched to his ear as he remembered my warm, living body beneath his. As he imagined the spreadsheets he didn’t know how to fill out, left half empty in my work folder on the shared hard drive. My expressionless face lingering in his mind as he glanced over to Jacelyn, her low cut shirt exposing too much cleavage.

I knew from experience that Kyle also had a bit of a tit fetish.

I brought the plastic straw to my lip and took a drink. The warm, bitter taste of beer hit my tongue with pleasure.

The train skidded to an abrupt stop. Looking up, I glanced at the electronic map. Four more stops till I was home. I groaned, and looked around. The young men hadn’t even noticed, the businessman was still engrossed in the sweet falling pieces of brightly colored candy.

I continued to read the words of a woman entwined in the social construct of sex and marriage and the myth of love. I had seen love before. And I knew it to be fake. A half-thought out blend of hormones and evolutional training. Maybe it wasn’t laundry detergent Kyle smelled of, maybe it was pheromones? Sparkly, clean, fabric softening pheromones.

The train was still stopped. I looked up at the map again, as if it would have changed. I’m 15 minutes from my stop. Why am I still here? I uncrossed my legs, recrossing the previously bottom thigh over the other, the damp skin clinging to the yellow plastic. I thought of Jacelyn and her description of some new global social synergistic bullshit. I looked up at the young men in front of me, still hollering as if no one else was in the car with them. I tried to will one to look at me. To fuck me with his eyes.

They didn’t seem to notice. They never do.

I leaned back in the seat, and looked down at my book.

The main lights in the train went off with the low hum of electricity dying. The emergency lights remained on, illuminating the train car in a low white glow. The young men started whooping loudly, braven by the sudden mask of near-darkness. I shifted in my seat, slightly, trying to mask my discomfort. The men continued to pay no attention to me. The businessman looked around in confusion for a brief moment before shrugging to no one and continuing his game.

The emergency lights shuddered, and went out. I blinked in the blackness of the tunnel. I’ve been riding the New York City subways for more than ten years, and I had never seen the emergency lights cut out before. I listened, stretching my ears into the darkness, but only silence greeted me. The young men had become silent. I didn’t think the emergency lights could turn off.

I sat, as still as possible, not breathing. I closed my book slowly, turning my head from side to side, trying to make out any movement that might be coming towards me.

I felt something I don’t feel very often: vulnerability.

Placing the book back into my bag, I tightened my legs against each other, trying to protect myself from the darkness. Hugging my bag to my body, I listened intently. The train was disturbingly silent.

“Boo!” Yelled one of young men. I jumped in my seat and a high pitched scream from his friend followed, along with a chorus of loud laughing. My heart pounded and I sighed with relief. Voices now filled the car around me, normal speech volume increased to compensate for the lack of visuals. My body relaxed as the tension melted from my muscles.

The train filled with the sounds of strangers chatting, some joking about the situation, other freaking out, faces illuminated with the glow of screens and the small flashlight beams from phones traveling from body to body. The train’s speakers were oddly quiet, no staticy voice explaining the bizarre situation. I groaned internally, and closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the greasy glass of the train window, now shrouded in nothingness.

I felt someone sit beside me. Alarms began to ring throughout my head as I shifted slightly away from their mass. I stayed sitting though, not wanting to be rude or to try and walk around in the darkness. The roving flashlights had stopped, pointed at either the ceiling or floor, or occasionally a book. The light illuminated some of the train, but mostly filled it with tall dark shadows. My end of the train remained fairly black. The young men had moved further down, probably trying to find a group of young women to comfort. I squinted towards where I remembered the businessman sitting, but it was too dark for me to see him.

Hot breathing climbed up the side of my neck. Goosebumps formed and I scooted further towards the wall, away from my neighbor. I felt the large mass move with me, pressing up against my side, squeezing me between him and the wall. From the size, I assumed it was a man. His body was firm and he was leaning on me, his thighs, stomach, and chest blanketing me.

I opened my mouth to protest, but a large hairy hand covered half my face. My bag fell to the floor with a quiet clang as I twisted in my seat, trying to force his body away from mine, but he only moved closer.

He rotated onto me, his chest against mine. I could feel his breath on my face. The hand he wasn’t using to cover my mouth grabbing clumsily at my breast. His pants stiffened, his erection pressing against my thigh as hot tears flowed down my cheeks.

My mind jumped away from the situation, and for just a moment, the heavy mass of my attacker was colored over with the sensation of Kyle on top of me. My brain was heavy with alcohol as I reached to him, encouraging his frame onto mine, kissing his neck. I dropped my head into the pillow, my hands on his shoulders as he looked at me, his eyes glazed with lust and beer.

“How’s Stacey?” I had asked.

He shrugged and looked to the wall, “I haven’t seen her in awhile.”

My hand grazed down his chest, relishing in the fine light brown hairs. So soft it felt like fur.

“How have you been?” He asked, not looking at me.

My attacker’s fingers grasped onto my nipple, pinching hard. I squeezed my eyes in pain, and pushed feebly at his form.

How had I been? Why the fuck was I having sex with someone who didn’t ask how I was until seconds away from being inside me? Why the fuck was I in love with a man who I wasn’t convinced would notice if I died? And why the fuck does he refuse to acknowledge me?

I bit down. Hard.

The man gasped, his hand flying from my mouth. I gulped in air from the train, no longer tainted by his sweaty grasp.

Kyle’s half-cocked smile filled my mind

“You’re adorable.” He said.

My hand shot through the black air. I found flesh, and I grabbed at it. It was thick and sweaty, but narrow enough for my fingers to wrap around it. The man gasped and tried to cry out, but the sound was only halfway from his lips before the air stopped and his plea was muted. The din of the train echoed around us as the man fell silent.

“I think we should just be friends.” He said.

I had found his throat.

I squeezed as he tried to fall back, but while he was heavy and strong, I was light and fast. I tightened my grip as I climbed on top of him, my knees digging into his lap. He tried to yelp in pain but no air could escape.

“You’re really good at that.” He said.

His wet throat felt more pliable in my hand than I would have expected. His skin pressed through between my fingers as I used the weight of my body to push into him. One large hand pulled at my arm as the other hit my chest. My breath caught with the force.

“I don’t want to cause any issues at work.” He said.

He grabbed the side of my head, and twisted. My neck strained with pressure, and the spots where his fingers dug into my flesh stung.

I reached my other arm up, squeezing his body between my thighs to keep myself balanced, and took his face in my hand. My thumb found his cheekbone, and then his eye.

“We’ll hang soon.” He said.

I dug my thumb deep into the organ, my other hand clamping his throat hard so his scream couldn’t escape.There was a wet popping sound as the eyeball burst with the pressure. Warm liquid spattered up my arm. The man convulsed, his arm hitting the side of my face hard. I was knocked forward, banging against the plastic seat in front of us. My head rang, and I could feel wetness in my hair.

“Fucking bitch.” He coughed, his voice weak from his damaged throat. His hand grabbed my knee and pulled me towards him. I felt my leg snap with the strain and the sides of the seat dug into me painfully.

I grabbed the man’s head in both of my hands, and pulled. He screamed.

“I’ve been busy.” He said.

“Are you ok?” Someone yelled. I could hear the rest of the train, finally aware of an issue at the back of the car, begin to converge.

“I don’t want you to take it personally.” He said.

I pulled again, kicking in the opposite direction, the hoarse screaming in my ear deafening me, until I heard a loud crack, and the screaming stopped. The weight of the dark mass fell on top of me. Dead.

I laid there, his body on mine, and panted. My eyes were blinded with flashlights and I squinted at the featureless crowd around me.

“What the fuck!?!” Someone screamed.

“He was… he was…” I sputtered, pushing the man off of me. “He was trying to…” I exploded into sobs.

A reassuring arm wrapped around my shoulders, and lead me away from the back of the car as the lights came on.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the inconvenience.” The conductor's voice hissed above us, “this train just experienced a complete power failure. We will be pulling into the station in just a moment. Police and medical personnel will be there to assist in any issues that might have arose during the blackout. Please do not leave the station until we’ve confirmed all passengers are ok.”

I looked back at the last seat in the car and saw the businessman who I had noticed playing Candy Crush earlier. He lay on the seats, his mouth opened. One eye stared right at me. The other was a mess of blood, dangling from his eye socket.

Guess what, Kyle. I did take it personally.

I wasn’t convicted of murder. It was bloody and overzealous, but it was still deemed self defense. I found out later that the man who tried to attack me was named Bryan. He had served a two month sentence for sexual assault and attempted rape four years ago. The state appointed lawyer told me that was good. A past criminal record and Bryan’s lack of any family to press charges against me meant I was mostly in the clear.

I was in the news a lot, after it happened. A lot of people called me a victim. Some called me a hero, and some called me a psychotic bitch. I don’t mind though. It feels good to have affected someone. Because I'm affectual. I killed a man with my bare hands. You could even say I’m impressive.