#also mimi is a small reference to my myosotis series | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

forabeatofadrum · 4 years ago

Text

Myosotis sylvatica (21/24)

Notes: And here we go, number 21! It’s a Blaine perspective and it’s his side of the story and everything that has happened since the fight at New Year’s. There is really no consistent way of telling Blaine’s story, but that’s my fault. Ah well, I love it.

Also, you might’ve noticed that AO3 now lists this as part 1 of a series. I wrote a small sad snippet from Burt’s perspective called Myosotis discolor. I might write another one, but there are no promises.

Last, I hope you all are well and safe. If you are a Broadway fan and you have some free time, I highly recommend watching Samantha Williams and Sky Lakota-Lynch’s video Black Theatre Matters. It is highly informative.

Enjoy and thanks for still sticking around.

AO3

–

USER

Wes and Sebastian are looking at the stack of papers on the table in front of them. Then they look at each other before finally looking at Blaine.

Blaine shrugs. “It’s been a weird couple of weeks.”

Few weeks earlier

Wes is pacing. It kind of drives Blaine mad, but he knows that it strangely helps Wes to find his words. Blaine himself is sitting on Wes’s couch with his phone in his hands.

“You feel no creative juices flowing through your body?”

Wes pacing around doesn’t mean that the words are going to be great.

“Don’t ever say that sentence again,” Blaine says, but then he answers: “Yeah. It’s all dried up. I wanted to talk to you before I told the others that we’re definitely going to postpone the album. It’s a good thing we’re in an early stage of making it. It’s not like I expected to release it very soon.”

“You can’t tell me that you haven’t written anything since the last album, Blaine. Can’t we continue with that? You must have materials from before the memory loss.”

And Wes is right, but Blaine doesn’t want those any more. He’s asked Mimi to delete the files on his phone. They don’t feel right anymore after everything that has happened.

“Blaine, you write about everything. Everything. You wrote about a tuna salad sandwich. You basically sing your own made-up jingles while watching TV, you know, the ones you make up on the spot. The last time your creativity was gone…”

Wes trails off. He finds it difficult to talk about it, even now.

“It’s not like that this time, Wes,” Blaine reassures his friend. Wes doesn’t seem at ease, so Blaine gets up and he takes Wes’s hands to stop Wes from pacing even more. “Look at me. It’s not like that. You know that you’re the first one to know when I need help.”

“Fuck, dude, you know what I’m like? I’m the mom friend. It’s in my nature to worry.”

“I know. Most of the Warblers group chat is you checking on everyone. Sebastian finds it almost annoying.”

“Yeah, but I never cared for Sebastian’s opinion any way. I’m the biggest mom of us all. And as a mom, I worry about your mental health.”

“It is the most worrisome aspect of my life.”

Wes shakes his head. “No, that is your seventy pieces big bowtie collection.”

“Seventy and counting. My mental health is the second most worrisome aspect of my life after the bowties. Noted,” Blaine says and he straightens his bowtie. It’s the one Burt got him for Christmas.

The two of them laugh and the tense atmosphere has slowly disappeared. So, they’re more relaxed when Wes asks: “Then, what is it, if it’s not some sort of relapse?”

Blaine shrugs. He can’t really put a finger on it. He isn’t unhappy or anything, but he walks around with an unsettling feeling. He obviously knows where it comes from, but that doesn’t make it better. There is just this emptiness. He has no new lyrics in his head. There’s nothing.

“Art represents life,” Blaine answers, “Art shows the world how I see the world. But I have no idea what my world is like. I look at the lyrics I wrote before the amnesia and it doesn’t feel real anymore.”

“The opposite to war isn’t peace, it’s creation?”

“Nice RENT reference, but I can’t call it a war, though,” Blaine says, “In fact, I think for the first time, there’s peace.”

Of course, Blaine has told Wes all about Kurt’s epiphany. Wes and Mae are invited to Kurt’s second opening night. Blaine’s had a lot to think about and he realised that it helps no one to be stuck in the past. Kurt’s memories will probably not come back and it’s better to focus on accepting that than living in denial.

But the only thing he’s held on for the past few months has disappeared.

And Blaine knows that he can grieve what he had without feeling bad, and he will always love Kurt. Parts of who he used to be are still there and new aspects of his personality are added. Even with the hope of Kurt regaining his memories almost gone, the love will always be there. He’s still Kurt, just different.

So all the lyrics about who Kurt used to be no longer feel real. He just needs new things.

Blaine watches Kurt reconnect with Tina, Artie and Mercedes. This is a good thing. Every now and then, Kurt looks over his shoulder to look at Blaine.

Sebastian claps Blaine on the back. “He loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.”

It’s supposed to be a nice gesture, but Blaine still winces. “Too soon, Sebastian.”

Sebastian and Adam share a look and Sebastian sighs deeply: “I’m sorry, I didn’t think. Thinking back on the proposal must be painful for you.”

Blaine thinks back at the beautiful day in New York. The weather was perfect. They were surrounded by friends. Even his Warblers had flown out to New York to sing back-up for him. Kitty was crying non-stop.

“But he does love you, Blaine. I mean, he left me for you,” Adam quickly says before the atmosphere turns too sad. The three of them laugh at their inside joke. Honestly, it doesn’t hold up anymore, now that Kurt can’t remember dating Adam, but it still makes them laugh.

Blaine has a warm feeling. He knows that Kurt loves him. Kurt maybe hasn’t noticed yet, but Blaine sees him looking. A while ago, Kurt had admitted that he could see himself falling in love with Blaine and Blaine’s pretty sure it has happened.

“Does that make your creative juices flow?” Adam asks and Sebastian snorts.

“I will kill Wes for that sentence,” Blaine laughs as well. The ‘creative juices’ has basically turned into a meme between the people who work on the album.

“Well, has it?” Sebastian asks.

Blaine shakes his head solemnly. He hasn’t told Kurt yet, since Kurt’s been so busy preparing for tonight, but he will. But now, he doesn’t want Kurt to worry, since it is his opening night. Blaine excuses himself to talk to Kurt, who’s apparently talking about him.

Kurt loves him. He knows it. Blaine feels like he can breathe again.

Later, Blaine talks to Elliott about a possible collaboration in the hopes of finding his ‘creative juices’ and he hangs out with Eva Noblezada and the next thing he knows, Kurt tells him that he loves him.

They spend the rest of the evening dancing to the soundtrack of Hadestown. It’s a perfect opening night.

A few days after Kurt’s opening night, Blaine sits him down to talk. He tells him everything that has been on his mind since New Year’s Day.

Kurt scrunches up his face in confusion. “What do you mean? You have absolutely nothing written down?”

Blaine shrugs nonchalantly. “I have no story to tell.”

“Then what do you do when you’re in the office by yourself?” Kurt asks, confused.

“Trying to write,” Blaine answers, “There are lot of drafts in the trash. Nothing feels right anymore. I have been in a weird mood since our argument after New Year’s. I’m just not in the right headspace to write anything. There’s nothing.”

“I’m sorry?” Kurt asks, but he already notices that he has nothing to be sorry for.

“We’re good. We’re fine and I love you.”

“And I love you too.”

Blaine still gets a warm feeling. It’s quite recent, and it feels so good to hear it again.

Kurt still looks confused. “What can I do to help?”

“Nothing, love. I am certain it will pass. It’s just a creative rut and it happens to the best of us,” Blaine says. It’s only half true. He’s been hoping that this uninspired phase will pass for weeks now. Blaine does not want Kurt to burden with all of this. He can talk to Wes about the nitty-gritty stuff while Kurt’s off killing it on Broadway.

Kurt looks uncertain. “Okay, but promise me that you’ll talk to me if something goes wrong.”

“I will,” Blaine lies easily.

It’s clear that Kurt wants to continue this conversation, so Blaine just picks up the TV remote and turns on the TV. “Netflix? We should definitely inform them that you’ve forgotten your password for obvious reasons. This is why we should’ve shared Netflix accounts. Ah well, at least we have your User ID.”

Kurt’s still looking uncertain, but he plays along and says: “Well, not my fault that my account has more premium content.”

Blaine huffs as he selects his own account. “What’s the point of paid streaming services when they also charge for additional premium content.”

“Don’t tell me. This whole streaming on demand thing is still relatively new to me!”

Then, Kurt cuddles closer and Blaine puts on a romantic movie. For now, they can focus on that. They’re fine and in love.

Rachel is fuming. Kurt’s just left the room and the awkward atmosphere is palpable. Isabel looks very uneasy. Rachel’s on the verge of tears.

“Come on, dear, this much stress and anger isn’t great for the baby,” Jesse says and he puts his hand on Rachel’s belly.

“I love Finn,” Rachel grits out and she tries to blink the tears away, “I really, really do. I love him and I always will, Jesse, but why can’t he see that I love you too?”

Jesse looks solemn and he makes Rachel sit down. Blaine’s afraid she’s going to snap Jesse’s hand, since she holds on tight. Jesse doesn’t flinch, though.

“He will, though,” Blaine says quickly. They all know it is true. “You know that this is new for him. When you got engaged years ago, he had a similar reaction, but he’s fully accepted Jesse as part of the club.”

“Oh, of course you’re taking his side!” Rachel snaps, “He can’t do anything wrong in your eyes, can he? He can literally regress all our fucking lives and you will still stand by him, since you don’t have the guts to ever stand up for yourself!”

“Hey!” Wes and Sebastian yell at the same time, before looking at each other in surprise. They’re not used to backing each other up. Blaine remains silent. He feels like he’s been slapped in the face.

“Okay!” Brittany yells loudly and everyone turns to her. She’s holding Isabel close. Isabel has her face buried against her mother’s chest and she’s shaking. “You guys can talk this out, but I think we’re going back to the hotel.”

Santana crouches down and she says something in Spanish. Isabel nods slowly and she pulls her other mother closer.

Adam and Sebastian also announce their departure. After all, they had other plans.

“I’ll walk you out,” Blaine says. He doesn’t want to be around Rachel.

“She’ll come around,” Santana says when they’re in the hallway.

“I know she will,” Blaine says. Rachel is very impulsive with her words. That doesn’t make it hurt less, though.

Brittany gives him a kiss on the cheek and the three of them leave. They will see each other tomorrow. Adam and Sebastian also both give him a big hug before taking each other’s hands. They leave as well. Blaine has no reason to stand in the hallway, so he takes a deep breath before going back inside. Time to face the music.

Rachel’s on her feet again and she looks less angry. Wes is nowhere to be seen, but Mae quickly nods towards the bedroom to indicate that Wes has gone to Kurt. Jesse looks incredibly awkward and Kitty and Roderick have started cleaning up.

Blaine and Rachel look at each other and they wait for someone to talk.

Blaine is the first one to break the silence. “I have nothing to say to you, Rae.”

Rachel nods and says: “I’m not sorry for what I said, but I am sorry for the way I said it.”

Silence. Again. Rachel genuinely believes that Blaine doesn’t have the guts to defend himself.

Jesse cuts in by saying: “I think we should go home.”

Rachel agrees. “Yes, I don’t wanna be even near Kurt right now.”

Blaine wants to say something in Kurt’s defence, but then he sees the warning look that Jesse shoots him and he remains silent. Instead, he nods and Jesse seems relieved.

“I’ll walk you out,” Mae says, so that Blaine doesn’t have to do it. The three of them go to the hallway and Blaine follows Kitty to the kitchen. Roderick is doing the dishes.

“You know we have a dishwasher, Rod,” Blaine points out.

Roderick nods. “I know, but I like to wash the dishes when I need to take my mind off things.”

“Yeah, what a party,” Kitty says and whistles, “Happy for Rachel and Jesse, though.”

“This was not supposed to happen like this,” Blaine says sadly.

“No shit,” Kitty says shortly, “Nothing was supposed to happen like this. Kurt losing his memories acts like some sort of catalyst for everything else. If Kurt hadn’t lost his memories, our lives would’ve gone differently.”

“It would’ve gone the way it was supposed to go,” Blaine says bitterly.

“I thought you had accepted it,” they hear. Wes and Mae are standing in the doorway that leads to the kitchen. Wes looks confused. “You said so yourself. We all know by now that the chance of Kurt ‘coming back’ is slim and we have to live with that. You two talked about it after New Year’s.”

“I know that, Wes,” Blaine groans, “And we’re trying. We all are. But it’s easier said than done. He wants to continue living, but time after time, he gets reminded of something like this. First Isabel and now Rachel’s pregnancy… imagine his reaction when I tell him that we were supposed to start having kids!”

“Kurt knows that life is going to be weird for him, especially with his newfound commitment to continue living in this year instead of 2013. He just needs time,” Wes says.

“Yeah man, you don’t have to explain and defend Kurt’s actions to us. We can all see what is going on,” Kitty adds and Mae nods in agreement.

Blaine looks at all his friends. “Guys, do you think Rachel is right?”

Roderick starts scrubbing a pan rigorously and Kitty grabs a towel to dry the dishes so that she doesn’t have to meet Blaine’s eyes. Mae looks at her feet. Only Wes has the guts to look Blaine in the eyes.

“I agree that she could’ve worded it differently, but she has a point,” Wes says, “Hell, you know that she is right. After all, that’s why you’re working so hard on caring about yourself as well and not always putting Kurt up front.”

“Thank you for telling me that directly,” Blaine says and he eyes his other friends.

“The upside to having a straight friend is that I can give it to you straight,” Wes shrugs.

“You are forgetting that everyone in this room is straight except for Blaine and Mae,” Kitty points out, “We’re just non-confrontational and occasionally shitty friends.”

Blaine laughs. “At least you’re self-aware.”

“Of my heterosexuality?” Kitty says innocently.

“Okay, let’s get this place all nice and clean,” Wes claps his hand, “Awkward time is over. Cleaning time is starting! Rod, do you still wanna do the dishes or can we load the dishwasher with the remaining stuff?”

“Whatever,” Roderick sings.

“Blaine, tell Mimi to put on a cleaning playlist. We’re gonna turn this into a party after all!” Mae says.

“Mimi, start Spotify playlist Cleaning Showtunes!” Blaine yells.

“No, not the showtunes one!” Kitty groans, but a couple of minutes later, they’re all singing along to It’s A Hard-Knock Life from Annie.

So, the wedding is officially cancelled.

Blaine saw it coming from miles away and he’s calmer than expected, but that does not mean that he’s jumping with excitement about this new development. He helps Kurt up from the floor and they talk about Kurt contacting Emma and they talk about the loose paint.

“It’s almost poetic in a sad way,” Kurt says as he looks at the dresser, “Nothing is the same anymore.”

“Life might not go back to normal,” Blaine says nonchalantly.

“I guess it’s time to make a new normal,” Kurt sighs and Blaine looks up.

“A new normal?”

Kurt laughs bitterly. “Normal doesn’t seem normal anymore. What can we do otherwise? We can’t go hoping for things to go back to normal.”

Blaine thinks about that. He’s been telling himself that he’s okay and that he’s let go and that he’s accepted all of this, but he still wanted to go back to normal. But there is no normal.

“Well, I should call my dad to ask him about all of this. Maybe we should send back the dresser before I ruin it even more,” Kurt says and then he looks at Blaine, “I’m going to need some time alone. Is that okay?”

“You don’t have to ask, love,” Blaine says. Besides, he thinks he wants to take a walk around the city. It’s still nice outside and March in New York can be lovely. “Take your time. I’ll see you at five anyway, since we have to be at Kitty and Roderick’s place at six.”

“Ah yes, another dinner date. We truly are in our thirties.”

“We are.”

Kurt takes his phone from the nightstand and Blaine sees that as his cue to leave. He goes to the hallway to get his coat, his phone and Springo and a scarf, and then he’s out of the door.

He walks around the city and luckily no one stops him to ask for a photo. He does see some girls take a photo of him, but he brushes it off. He’s walking around and he looks up to see the wires everywhere. New York really has changed ever since he first moved here. He’s always taken it for granted, since he lived through those changes with ease. He can’t remember the way he felt when they first started putting the wires everywhere. Surely, he was sceptical, but he can’t actually remember what happened. One day, the wires were there.

He continues his walk and he tries to imagine what New York used to look like in 2017, when he first moved here. When did the first Pret A Manger arrive? Where did the buildings from Google used to be? In what year was the Apollo finally a recognised Broadway theatre? Did the H&M always have that logo? Or the Starbucks? And if not, when did they change logo’s?

All those changes have passed in the past eleven years, but for Kurt, they all happened in one night all those months ago. Kurt had been in the city since 2012. This version of New York is his new normal, but for Blaine, it is just normal.

He fishes his wireless earbuds out of his pocket and he tells Mimi to put on some music. He also texts Adam to cancel all remaining wedding obligations and then he continues to look around in awe. When was the last time Blaine actually looked around New York?

He does look at it with a new lens, though. He tries to imagine what New York would be like in a new normal. His life is absolutely ridiculous and he knows it. For months, nothing has made sense, except for Kurt just being there. And sure, they’ve gotten so much better at living in this new normal, but Blaine hasn’t exactly stopped to think about it.

Kurt doesn’t blame him for anything, though. It’s something that Blaine didn’t know he needed to hear. After all, his friends have pointed out that Blaine is too invested in all of this. Yet, he was also caught up in his own mess up until a point where he did not notice something so vital as Kurt’s compulsive actions. Everything’s been messy for months.

He needs to take a step back and look at it from this new perspective.

Mimi stops the music to show that he’s getting a call from Adam, but Blaine waits for the call to end. He can deal with the wedding cancellation later. Right now, he’s just a guy walking around in New York City.

The dialling tone dies down and the music comes back on, but Blaine suddenly feels something he hasn’t felt in a very long time. He takes out his phone in order to stop the music and he opens the notes app. He selects the voice-to-text option and he starts talking about everything that’s on his mind. Mimi writes it all down for him.

He’s inspired.

Blaine walks around New York with a smile on his face while rambling. It isn’t song writing, not yet, but it feels good.

“It’s been a weird couple of weeks.”

Wes and Sebastian are still looking at him. Blaine doesn’t blame them. He’s been bitching about not being able to write for weeks and suddenly he arrives at Sebastian’s doorstep with a stack of papers with lyrics. It’s quite a change.

“So, the creative juices are back?” Sebastian asks hopefully.

“Stop saying creative juices!” Blaine says and he rolls his eyes.

Wes puts a hand on his chest. “Oh, my influence! I could be a late 2010s Instagram influencer!”

“You could still be an Instagram influencer, but I wonder if your influence will be interesting enough since no one uses that app anymore,” Blaine points out.

“Stop derailing the conversation,” Sebastian cuts in before Wes can say anything else about Instagram. He picks up the first page so that he can actually read what Blaine’s written. “Again, I assume that the creative juices are back?”

But Blaine shakes his head. “I don’t think so. At least not yet, but this is a start.”

Wes tries to look over Sebastian’s shoulder so that he can also read the first page. “Dude, this is one hell of a start. This is a big stack of lyrics. It’s almost an entire album.”

“Well, you can call it a concept album if you’d like.”

Sebastian reads the page and he seems impressed. “If it’s not the - sorry for saying this again - creative juices, then where did all of this come from?”

“Blaine, this is really good,” Wes says as he skims the page, “I agree with Sebastian: where did all of this come from?”

“Thanks, and it is the result of realising that I have no fucking clue what is happening. I think I told Wes weeks ago that art is about presenting or representing life and that I had no clue what life looks like.”

“I remember that, yeah.”

“Yeah. A while ago, Kurt said something that made me think. Everything’s been shit, guys. Everything has been complete and utter shit for a while now. I had no idea what my world looked like and the fact that I was constantly going back and forth truly wasn’t helping. One moment, I felt at peace. The next moment, I thought I was losing it. On one day, Kurt and I would be super confident about all of this, and the next we’d be crying our eyes out. It’s good and we’re happy and in love, but it’s also shit and rough. I have no clue how I want to present life, so I decided to just not care.”

“It’s been an emotional roller coaster for all of us,” Wes says solemnly, “But you two have been hit the hardest during the ride.”

“That is actually a great metaphor and I might use that in a song one day,” Blaine says and Wes shoots some finger guns.

“Credit me.”

“Always,” Blaine also makes finger guns.

Sebastian groans and waves his arms. “Back to the roller coaster and the juices – wow, this is getting worse, Wes – because I actually really want to know how you’re doing! You’re good?”

“I’m good,” Blaine confirms, “I think I was stuck in this mindset that I wanted things to go back to normal. And then I had accepted that that wasn’t going to happen, but then I got stuck in the mindset that I wanted things to go back to normal as much as possible. The thing is that normal doesn’t exist anymore. I need to stop looking from this normalcy perspective and I need something new. We all need something new.”

Wes looks incredibly proud when he says: “Is that why you called his concept album A New Normal? I thought it might’ve been a Next to Normal reference.”

“Well, it is true that I am advocating for a revival of that show, since it closed in 2011 so it’s been long enough-”

“Blaine.”

“-but yeah, that is why it’s called A New Normal. Or, I mean, it’s all just a work-in-progress, but that was the first thing that came to my mind. I just rambled and Mimi transcribed everything. Then I turned all my musings into lyrics. A lot of stuff has happened. I feel like I’ve grown and matured and changed more in these past few months than in my entire life and it was a lot. It’s like every time we take two steps forward, we take one step back.”

“But that is still one step forward,” Wes says.

“I was about to say that, smartass,” Blaine says and Wes sticks out his tongue.

Sebastian rolls his eyes, but he laughs when he says: “Yes, we’ve all matured so much.”

“Shut up,” Blaine says and he also sticks out his tongue. Sebastian, who’s always the more stoic one, breaks and starts laughing and then Wes starts laughing and when Wes laughs, Blaine laughs. The three of them are still laughing when Adam gets home.

Blaine’s surrounded by laughing friends. He’s really good. He looks at the stack of papers and the sheet of paper in Sebastian’s hand. It’s a start.

End notes: The line about “two steps forward, one step back” is inspired by ItsNotEasyBeingQueen’s comment on AO3. I remember reading that comment and going: “This is it! Congratulations, you’ve stripped down Myosotis sylvatica to its bare essentials!”

The story is slowly coming to an end (2 more chapters and an epilogue, yo!), but these boys will get there.

#klaine advent #klaine advent 2019 #klaine #klaineadvent #klaine advent: user #glee #holy fuck I wrote #multichaptered #2020

1 note · View note