#also medical paranoia is a totally valid and common thing

[savvylittlecoxswain]

Bobby with commitment issues because he’s afraid that one day he’ll just drop dead and doesn’t want to put someone through that.

[jimothysomebody]

Recovering From Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome

It's difficult to gauge exactly where to start, considering the many nuanced factors that lead me here. For awhile it felt like I was dealing with some wretched mystery ailment. After my breakup there was a period of time where money was tight and I wasn't eating well, in part because money was tight and in part because of a long struggle with self image, self loathing, and just a warped and unhealthy perspective of myself. What a stupid, stupid thing it was to subject myself to that degree of harm and malnourishment. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

In late March, somewhat coinciding with my old vape pen breaking, I began to feel a bit unwell and I wasn't sure why. Brainfog, difficulty concentrating and remembering, poor sleep (and that's saying something) headaches, strange dizzy spells and a weird feeling in my head, unusual episodes of elevated anxiety, stress, and depression beyond what is 'normal' for me, stomach issues, changes to my appetite, fatigue, apathy. Some days were better than others, some days were hell, other days I may have one awful episode and be otherwise fine the rest of the day, sometimes a day or so would pass without incident at all and I'd feel totally normal.... but these terrible symptoms kept coming back

Initially I believed it to be the lingering effects of having been anorexic from early February to the beginning of April... but April, May and now most of June have come & gone... and these symptoms have persisted.... what else could it have been?

I figured, outside of the extreme episodes of anxiety, the most likely cause was the effects of tapering off of, and eventually quitting weed. The conclusion I drew was that, surely, I must be experiencing Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, brought on by increased use of medial grade weed and an increased vaping of delta 8 around this time. It was also my theory that because I didn't do it daily, just used a *lot* every few days or on weekends, that my inconsistent pattern of high dose usage was keeping me in a state of withdrawal that wouldn't stop until I made myself quit. My preferred method was vaping, but I began with edibles July of 2023... for nearly a year my already chemically imbalanced brain became accustomed to a regular supply of THC, surely... surely the cessation of cannabis would have put my brain in a state of crisis and rebellion as it attempts to reset the dials back to my “normal”, right? Much of the literature I read seemed to validate my worries, between credible medical publications from all over, the US, Canada, Australia, the UK, I poured over the findings and data of medical professionals and everything seemed to point to that... what has now worried me the last 42 days I've been sober was the fact that, for most, they seem to be through the worst of it within 2wks to a month... but still I contend with these symptoms. Maybe...just maybe, I was too hopeful and by some twisted hellish coincidence I was, unknowingly, affected by something more dire... there are many, many far more life threatening conditions that share many of those symptoms in common... and that thought has come and gone since March... Friday afternoon I finally humored my paranoia that told me to stop toying with my mortality and went to the ER to get checked out.

They drew blood, did urinalysis, an EKG, chest xrays, and a CT scan of my head, every test came back normal, nearly everything was ideal, save for what results have been effected by a recent brief regimen of prednisone to help with my tenosynovitis (which also significantly improved my withdrawal symptoms)... and in the sea of test results even those *slightly* abnormal results didn't bother me, knowing exactly what caused them.

The test results have given me a lot of peace of mind... I now know definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that what I am experiencing does not have a physical cause... it is instead chemical as my brain tries to regulate itself back from a year of a lot of vaping and edibles. I do not have brain cancer, any brain damage, any debilitating neurological condition, internal bleeding, blood clots, nor do I have any heart or lung condition. No abnormalities were detected... It's just withdrawal, and I can get through this. I've been tempted to vape, a few times. I miss having a mild high, but mostly I miss the relief that comes with it for my anxiety, my depression, ptsd, mild pains, etc. There hasn't been any strong compulsion or urge to use again, in fact not unlike my alcohol I still have (almost 7 months sober now) my vape pen is in plain sight just on my bedside table, where it has, literally, been collecting dust since May 12th. I have had one or two dreams about weed/vaping though, which I suppose isn't a totally unheard of sort of dream to have for people quitting.

I'm set to see yet another therapist soon in July, and shortly thereafter, I imagine, another doctor. I'm not sure what the plan of attack will be, considering the chemical imbalance is now influenced by quitting weed. In the past I've seen a lot of success with SSRI's like sertraline/Zoloft, in treating my depression, with some positive changes to my anxiety as well, it'd certainly simplify things to be on just one med but I'm not optimistic that will be the case, nor do I don't know just how effective sertraline would be while recovering from PAWS... I do know this much, compared to how I felt in April I feel, generally speaking, significantly better. I do still experience all the symptoms I've described but to a lesser degree and with less frequency and diminished duration compared to how I had been previously... it is my belief that, with time and resolve I will make a full recovery from this horrid months long trial. I really think I'm gonna be okay.

[compassionatereminders]

I know you can't tell me if I'm good or bad, but could you advise me on whether I should seek help or not with an issue? I'm the type that has a long fuse and gives second chances, but tries not to tolerate bullshit & ends up holding grudges if you cross my boundaries or push me past a certain point [which is hard to put into words. I operate on a three strikes you're out system.] Like, I hold onto things. I may forgive, but I don't forget and my trust fluctuates accordingly (idk if this counts as a grudge but).

Anyways,, I've also had folks push me past the point where I care and that's a tough spot to come back from. It's not that I wish them harm, I just don't care about them or their doings.

But. On 2 occassions I've been pushed past that point, and started having thoughts where I wish them harm. This is what I'm somewhat worried about. I don't and haven't harmed anyone, I'm not even sure these thoughts are mine fully-like I think they may be intrusive-All I do is sit with it, and let it pass..but I'm worried that this indicates something sinister or perhaps means I'm not making as much progress as I thought. Idk, maybe this is a normal thing, but everything I've seen (which is trash media tbh) says it's not.

I have been trying to figure out if these thoughts are intrusive-but it's difficult since they are few and far between, and any other time I'm indifferent like I'm not wishing them harm, I just don't care. Plus...it took months to realize my regular brand intrusive thoughts were intrusive. These thoughts definitely could be-but what if they're not y'know?

Ah but this is kind of long..sorry. Should I try to speak to a professional about this? Ask them that last question, and for some help in figuring it out? Or do you think I should spend a little more time on it by myself? I've had time to mull it over (about 3 months) but the times where it's been like that doesn't total more than 3 days. Both are valid answers, and if I did stay the course of doing it myself I'd give it another month or so and revisit the idea of seeing a professional.

I'm also asking because I'm heavily biased towards avoiding medical professionals of any kind due to medical trauma & paranoia. But they say the first step to fixing an issue is to recognize you have one! 😅 so maybe I'll be able to recover from it one day. For now, I'm just scared of being retraumatized or forced inpatient without my consent, and no way to leave (which is what makes me a little nervous to talk about these things with my doctor/therapist admittedly.)

Thanks for reading, and for any advice you have Kat.

I honestly don't think what you're describing here sounds abnormal or worrying at all. Being really angry with people who hurt you is actually a common trauma reaction - and as long as you're not planning to act on these thoughts, they're not inherently wrong or bad. Especially not if they're few and far between and make you upset and scared when they do occur. So as long as you're not actually a danger to anyone, I really don't think you need professional help just for being angry with people who hurt you. No, not even if you sometimes wish them harm. That's a pretty normal and quite common response to getting hurt and not something you need to pathologize unless you start fearing you might act on it. Your thoughts can't hurt anyone and thus they don't define you.