#also marriage is not just about attraction are you sure you're mentally matured enough to tie the knot?

[anouchan-jpg]

Hi, can you please suggest what I should do? I met this really cute girl from a dating site a few years ago. Both of us are Rajputs and share the same traditional values. We had been seeing each other for 7 months, and today she decided to talk about the prospect of marriage in the future. I am attracted to her and would have loved to marry her but my friends suggested I ask her about her past relationships. I assumed she was a virgin although she has talked about being in a relationship, but she looked so innocent until she opened up about her past, like she has a body count of 9. I can't seem to accept that a traditional girl like her can be similar to a prostitute. She portrayed herself to be an anti-feminist traditional woman, so I thought she wouldn't be like this and I fell in love with her but she completely played with my emotions. I don't want to be the last nice guy to accept her in the end. I feel betrayed 😔

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[gordiita]

do you actually like ur husband & if u don’t can u not leave him ??

hey sorry i didn't get to this yet i was making dinner when u sent it last night and i dont get much time to myself.

so like. im not sure what depth of honesty you're expecting so i dont know how to answer this actually. its complicated, on both accounts.

i was a completely different person when i decided to move here 3 years ago. i was seeking adventure and boy did i get it! but my frontal lobe was underdeveloped, i was desperate to be loved, had nothing to lose, and of course i was in love with him. i still am, somehow.

i think it's moreso that he literally wants nothing to do with me. he is not attracted to me. he puts a pillow between us at night. i genuinely think he doesn't like me or love me. he likes having me around to make his life more comfortable - feeding him, doing household chores, listening to his rants. aside from paying our rent he doesn't help me with anything and he's not interested in me as a person. there's zero affection, he refuses to do things with me or really do anything outside of his strict personal routine (99% sure he has undiagnosed autism but he refuses to accept this) and yeah if anyone was curious he does hit me sometimes im not joking about that. that's life!!

i should stop myself ahead of this tangent bc i could go on. he has his share of flaws and annoying habits but i'm not certainly perfect either. i just wish he was nicer to the woman he claims to love.

in regards to taking action to dissolve this (dumping his sorry ass) i'm not dissing your level of maturity here when i say im guessing you've never been married. 'leaving' is reeeally not that simple, logistically or emotionally. it'd be way easier if we were just dating but marriage is a binding legal contract. again i dont mean to sound condescending it's just more complicated than many would assume.

plus, as you may or may not know, i immigrated from the US to australia to be with him. might sound unwise but at first it wasn't, i saved up plenty of money to fund my move and establish myself here, i did everything the right way, and i'm still waiting on immigration to process my visa after nearly 3 years. that's not really something you can just hit undo on. it's not like i just moved across town into his place, i moved across the literal planet.

financially i have nothing to my name and he doesn't have much more. the economy is really bad here. i did get a job but i havent started getting paid yet, even when i do it's only one shift a week. he, in combination with mental illness, has isolated me from having a support system. i have no friends, no confidence, no safe haven. my family can’t help. (1. they dont have much themselves 2. they’ve done enough already 3. my mom is my closest family member and she thinks he’s an angel so that’s not happening.)

money (or lack thereof) is definitely a factor but even if i had it i can't just up and break my lease on our apartment. we also have a cat who is like our child and i really do not want to leave her. cats do indeed have feelings and form close bonds with their people and i couldn't break her little heart like that.

plus australia’s divorce laws are utter bullshit!!! you have to be officially separated and living separately for a whole year in order to file for divorce. not to mention well he’s basically threatened to either end himself or live out the rest of his life wallowing in misery if i ever leave him. i can’t have that on my back. i’m fucked. basically i’m fucked!!!

ultimately it is what it is. i just wish he would like beat the shit out of me once and for all so that i had undeniable physical evidence. i mean, he does that, but not in a way that anyone would notice. even if he did... i don't leave the house enough to anyone to notice/care.

i've kinda given up on having a fulfilling relationship or expecting better from him. instead i'm trying to seek happiness through self initiated means. hobbies and stuff. self-improvement.

the hardest part is knowing that i want a family - most who do start by my age - but he would make a terrible father, and the longer i wait, the less time i have to find anyone else who would be a decent parent. torturous position to be in. but i got myself here didn't i.