#also man fantesy aus are depressing they got no meds and no hope

[nomsfaultau]

Philza Malewife Competition Round 5

Previous rounds: Cleaning. Cooking. Decorating. Karens. Current points: The Lambs Wolves Wear (2), Lighting Lanterns Philza (1), Weight in Gold (1), everyone else (0).

For a quick synopsis for the fics I’m referencing- those are here

Next round: Helping out their poor sick kid :(

and....uh...this one lost our family friendly rating. Oops?

Lord what fools these mortals be!: Is that a stomach bug? He'll fix them right up! Usually Lady Death is in charge of fixing their children, of course, but if given permission he's more than happy to help!Ripping the offending organ out of his child's belly is so easy with his big sharp claws (courtesy of his wonderful Lady!!). Next to craft a new stomach out of ice and shadow, shove it back in, lace mortal flesh together, and voila! Now their stomach will be perfect. It'll have to be, if they are to survive the Fae Wilds :)

Where do Babies Come From?: Has the classic plastic bag covering a kids trash can for all your vomit needs! It's a spider-man trash can too. Plus some cough drops (the tasty citrus kind) and sprite and medicine from going to the Emergency Room. He's offered to pick up anything from the local gas station that the kid wants, set them up with lots of pillows and netflix...but Philza does still have to go to work. Especially after he got the ER bill. Doesn't let the kid see it, of course, but...oof. He's going to have to put in a lot of overtime to catch up from this.

Lighting lanterns to bring you home: A swift cut, and the sacrificial lamb is lain on the alter. Philza knows all the prayers and rituals across the horizon in both directions. Afterward he cleans the knife off slowly. The gods will cure the kid's illness, if they know what's good for them. And if not...well. Technoblade can just bring the kid back with him when he returns from Hell in the Spring. And give him the tea on how Lady Death is entertaining her new surge of godly company.

The Lambs Wolves Wear: There's no medicine. Not really. He knows a few soothing herbs, but not much more than that. The journey into town is too long and hard, might just make it worse. And even then, he can't afford real medicine. So Philza coats the room in trinkets, in rings of salt and straw dolls and crimson ribbons. Holy words smudged on the kid's palms with leftover dye from the wool. And Philza waits, and hold the kid's hand through the long, long night. He falls asleep at the bedside still praying. He shivers slightly, in his sleep, haunted with the memory of holding Technoblade's hand as illness stole his last breath.

Worth far more than your weight in gold: Birb doesn't understand germ theory. He doesn't know what medicine is. All he can do is tuck the sick child under wings to make sure they are soft and warm and dry. Luckily unlike the humanoid Philza's, this Phil is less likely to catch the illness due to the species barrier, and is very safe to snuggle with. But there isn't much more he can do, and since he lives in a nest there isn't much protection from the elements. He's worried, and feels useless. Would eating a dead squirrel fix it?

Fault: As an immortal that's made it to modern day, this Philza knows every remedy under the sun, and offers a combination of home remedies he foraged by hand and ground up into medicine with a mortar and pestle, AS WELL AS medicine Wil stole from the store. Plus some honey from Tubbo for that cough, and it goes well with the herbal tea he made. During chills, he also makes for the best blanket ever, the fire in his chest warm and hot as he cradles the kid close. This Philza by far knows the most about healthcare. But also if the kid needs cheering up (and their humor falls in this area), Philza will also teasingly threaten to use leeches to balance their humors.

Mandatory Family Reunion: Philza has a policy of cancelling all plans the moment one of his children is sick so that he can be at their side the entire time. Reading familiar bedtime stories, spoon feeding food, attending to their every whim and then some. Unlike all other Philza's this one offers luxury S-tier pillows, every single streaming service and video game ever made, and has world-class doctors attending to every cough this kid makes. Honestly the Queen of England didn't have this good a deathbed. Now...for transparency's sake, I must establish has MFR Techno been bedridden 3 times because Philza induced illness in him (Roofies (accident; mixed bad with meds/concussion); Bedridden with every vaccine ever (intentional, but for crying out loud this kid doesn't have protection against chicken pox!); Tranquilizer/chemical pacifier (so Techno would stop trying to attack him)). But that wasn't necessarily so he could have a placid Techno too weak to resist dotting, just an appreciated side effect. The kid in question probably wasn't mildly poisoned...

Golden Apples (Gilded Atrophy): Philza tosses over some regen potions and a golden carrot for saturation. That's about the best he can do. Unless the kid wants to be killed so they can respawn at a non-sick save point? Philza has a sleeping potion and a sword if that's the case. They wouldn't feel a thing and would be good as new in two minutes tops. Eh? No? Suit yourself. Tubbo, personally, can attest to both the terror and the effectiveness of his respawn surgeries, but hopefully it won't come to that...