#also major love to aj because she made everyone look damn good this week

[duckuwu]

last week it was aisha who directed, and we had some fantastic interactions. but also omg emily and jj were allowed to interact w each other.

this week it was aj who directed, and omg emily and jj were allowed to be a team working together

listen i know the directors dont write who gets to interact or whatnot, but at the same time it's obvious that the cast who direct know what they and the viewers want lol

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Top 5 Characters in ANF Who Would’ve Made Better Love Interests Than Kate

There are a lot of mixed opinions on TWDG: A New Frontier. Some people like it, some don’t, and some people hate it so much that they refuse to accept as canon in the series. Extreme? Yeah, but hey, to each their own. 

One thing that always bothers me when I do my replay of the series and this game is how much Kate is forced on us and even kinda punishes us for not romancing her. Like, no offense, but I’m not really interested in dating my sister-in-law, especially when her husband is actually alive, and even if she wasn’t my brother’s wife, she’s still not a character I have chemistry with, y’know? 

And every time I play, I can’t help but think that almost anyone else in ANF would’ve been a better romantic interest for Javi over Kate, so I decided to make that the list for this week. 

I would’ve loved more choices and for the game to actually show Javi’s canon bisexuality outside of a flirty line with Jesus that most players didn’t even pick. Just sayin’.

I do want to note that if you enjoy the romance with Kate and the relationship between her and Javi, that’s totally cool. Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean you can’t ship them, y’know? I’m not here to try to change your mind or tell you you’re bad for shipping something I don’t because I’m not a dingus. You do what makes you happy, friend. :)

Besides, going off the stats, a majority of players romanced her so if anything, I’m the weirdo. This list is just for fun! 

Before we start, just wanna say a big thank you to @pi-creates​ for helping out with this one! Really appreciate it! Now, here are my top 5 characters who, in my opinion, would’ve made better love interests for Javier than Kate.

5. Jane if the writers didn’t turn her into a dead potato

Oh man, you should see your face right now. 

Wait, wait, stop! Before you click outta here in a huff with your “Kenny good Jane bad” grunts and come yell at me, just hear me out-- this entry is mostly a joke and the other four on this list are serious, okay? 

I needed someone to put at #5 and after talking over some options and going back and forth.... Jane came up as a joke and then kind of made the list. Because really, I thought about it. I was like, “Would I really rather have dingdong “whatever happens stay out of it” potato face Jane as a love interest over Kate? Do I dislike Kate as an option that much?” and Pi and I talked about this for a while and yeah.... yeah I would actually. 

When I said anyone but Kate, I guess I really meant anyone. 

Trust me, I know, I’m just as surprised. I guess this really says a lot about my feelings for Kate. I didn’t know I disliked her this much either.

But for fun, let’s entertain this idea of the writers NOT pulling the ol’ character assassination on Jane and she made it to Richmond with Clementine and AJ because--

Jane: "One time I ate glass because I was drunk and thought it was sugar."

Javier: "I gambled on my own baseball matches and disgraced myself for money."

Jane: “Well, I dragged my little sister around with me after everything went to shit until I finally gave her what she wanted and left her to die.”

Javier: “I wasn’t there when my dad was fighting cancer and when I finally showed up, I was too late and he was already dead, then he turned and I bashed his skull in with a piece of wood.” 

Jane: “I shot a dude’s dick off once.”

Javier: “Oof. I insulted an old lady’s cake and then shot her eye out.”

Jane: “I screwed a guy when I was supposed to be securing a place for some lady to have her baby and it resulted in the death of a teenage girl.”

Javier: “I screwed my brother’s wife.” 

Jane: “...”

Javier: “In my defense, I thought he was dead.” 

Jane: “That’s fair.”

Clementine, exasperated and emo: “Oh my god.” 

....I mean... we might be onto something here, c’mon--

Okay, now onto the more legit entries. 

4. Conrad

Now listen... I know, okay? I know. I know this one can be seen as a bit problematic considering the fact that Conrad, in his grief and anger over Francine’s death, held a gun to Gabe’s head and threatened Javi and Clementine.... plus Javi can literally murder him.

...and if you don’t do anything, Conrad with murder both Gabe and Javi and you’ll get a “YOU ARE DEAD” screen...

But we don’t talk about that because it’s not canon.

I know, but listen... I’m allowed to have ships that are difficult, as are you, and this is my list so... there.

If Conrad was a love interest that’s the route I’d take because I love him and I think a relationship between him and Javi could’ve been so damn good if properly done.

I just find Conrad to be an interesting character with a great arc that you only get to see if you don’t shoot him... which is what most people did, so they missed out. And like, I get it, I get why y’all shot him but maybe next time you play, you could consider not doing that?

So here’s the thing, Javi and Conrad share something-- they both lost loved ones because of shithead Badger. Javi is heartbroken after Mariana’s death, Conrad is devastated after Francine’s death, and they both handle that in different ways. Conrad becomes so focused on revenge and getting into Richmond, that he’s willing to threaten two kids in order to get what he wants but the thing is... that’s not him.

He even says so himself when you keep him alive-- he genuinely apologizes for what happened and will end up coming back to save Javi’s life in ep4. The potential for this to work as a relationship? It’s there... the only problem is that my confidence in the writers handling something like this is low, but let’s pretend they used their time and brains wisely-- ya got yourself a classic slow-burn friends to enemies to friends again to lovers romance and I’m here for it. 

3. Paul “Jesus” Monroe

A lot of people really like the idea of Javi and Jesus and wanted him to be a romantic option, and I don’t blame them. They have chemistry in the scenes they share, and Javi can straight up flirt with him at the end of the season, and it’s super cute... of course, I wish we had more but Telltale was too scared to actually show Javi’s bisexuality outside of that one line, I guess.

But, anyway, this ship has a lot of sweet fanart that we love to see.

The only real reason he isn’t higher on the list is that Jesus is apparently already in a relationship at this point? I guess? From what I’ve been told? Listen, I don’t read the comics, I don’t watch the show, I just go off what y’all tell me. Plus, I believe Kent joked about Jesus having someone in each community during the commentaries so like... that’s a thing?

But let’s pretend that we throw that all out and Jesus is single and ready to be in a committed relationship with our boy Javier here. Like I mentioned above, these characters have a believable chemistry from the moment they meet and I think that has a lot to do with how charming they are by themselves. Those different charms work well together.

I also enjoy how much of a badass Jesus is when it comes to fighting off walkers. Javi has a lot of force that you feel with each hit, while Jesus almost has a lighter but just as impactful hit? I dunno if I’m explaining that well-- basically, Javi strong but Jesus can bounce off walls and do cool shit with weapons that feels effortless.

It’s a combo of fighting styles that I love, so these two fighting together? *chef kiss*

There’s also Jesus’ morality and how he wants to see Javier make “good” decisions, y’know? Sure, he gets pissy if you murder the shit outta Badger, which is mostly just Telltale showing you consequences, but I get it. He sees a lot of potential in Javi, more than Javi himself sees. And unlike certain characters, Jesus doesn’t completely hate you for doing something he doesn’t agree with to a frustrating degree.

If the game gave us the option to pursue Jesus as a love interest, he and Javier would’ve been such a badass couple with a sweet romance.

2. Eleanor

This one might come as a surprise to those of you who know my feelings about Eleanor... as in, I don’t like her. I never forgave her for the shit she pulled in ep4/ep5, and now every time I replay ANF and she shows up? Well, all I really hear is the hissing of a snake.

But, putting those feelings aside and looking at her from a different perspective, I do believe that she would’ve made for a better love interest than Kate assuming that if you romanced her, she wouldn’t rat everyone out to Joan, y’know?

Hell, most people believed that Eleanor was going to be the second option with Kate back when the episodes were coming out, and for good reason. The chemistry is there in the flirting, and their relationship could’ve been super cute.

Of course, Eleanor being a love interest also comes with things becoming awkward with Tripp, but c’mon-- as awkward as pursuing a relationship with your sister-in-law and never telling your brother after finding out he’s alive? Nah, I don’t think so.

Plus, for the first three episodes, Eleanor’s not a bad character. In fact, she’s pretty damn likable, she deeply cares for the group and wants to use her medical skills for good.

And you can tell through the dialogue that she and Javi are fond of one another... well, I guess until they shove the Kate thing in our faces and suddenly Eleanor’s like “oh, I thought you two were a thing??” like... Eleanor, we were flirting and I totally rejected all of Kate’s advances last episode I mean??

If she were a love interest, instead of turning on us, she would... y’know, not do that and instead help us out. We have a couple cute moments like back in ep1 where she’s patching Javi up but this time with a smooch? Super cute.

1. Tripp

Okay but seriously, why wasn’t Tripp a love interest? 

He’s the perfect option. I just-- uuuughhhhh. 

They already have a great believable bromance, so why not take it a step further and make it an official romance? Oh wait, that’s right, ya gotta kill off 95% of your determinant characters, I forgot. Sorry Tripp. 

Well, fuck that. Out of all the other adult characters, Javi has the most chemistry with this man. I believe them more than I believe him and Kate. Sure, they got off to a rocky start the progression of their relationship felt natural with every episode. 

That scene where Tripp is confiding in Javi about his feelings for Eleanor? And in turn, Javi can confide in him about Kate? One of my favorite scenes. I only wish there was an option to tell Tripp he can do much better and set the path for the romance. 

Seriously, I’d probably feel more okay about the romance with Kate if Tripp were the second option. That way, Kate wouldn’t be so forced onto the player, the writers confirming Javi’s bisexuality on Twitter or whatever wouldn’t feel like they were trying to earn points without actually showing representation, and we would’ve gotten the beauty that is Javier and Tripp. 

Also, then Tripp could make it to the end without dying that dumb death of his that no one likes. 

And if I haven’t convinced you yet, then look at these swaps Pi did--

--and tell me they aren’t fucking perfect?? You can’t, because look at them. 

Where’s my Tripp route, Telltale??

---

Honorable Mentions

-If I wasn’t sticking to just ANF characters, Luke probably would’ve made the list because that’s apparently a popular combo and I dig it.  -Pudding... because Javi fucking loves pudding.  -Honestly Max probably would’ve been a better love interest than Kate oof--

---

So, whattya think? Do you agree with this top 5 or nah? Do you have a favorite Javi ship? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you. :D

Next week’s T5F Top 5 Times Lee was the Absolute Best

[favouriteentertainer-blog]

Chapter 1 - Never Seen Me Coming

“And what if love is lonely”

“Hmmmmm,” I replied to what Daniel was saying, I hadn’t been listening, but I knew he’d been rambling about something unimportant.

“Are you even listening to me?” He questioned, noticing that I was more enamoured with what was happening outside the cafe, rather than the words falling from his mouth.

I turned away from the window and smiled curtly, “of course I am babe.” I reached over and reassuringly brushed his knuckles with my thumb. I was good at lying, I had been good at lying for almost 3 months.

He smiled back—genuinely. A familiar sense of sadness panged in my chest—I was hurting him, and he didn’t even know it. Was I cheating? No. Was I thinking about cheating? Definitely not. I just wasn’t happy and I wasn’t investing my time in him. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d made me laugh or the last time I’d properly listened to what he’d had to say. We had drifted apart—we wanted different things and neither of us was making any effort to change. But I was the worse of the two parties, at least he was still trying to love me—I was a horrible human being and I wanted so badly to change.

I was too busy focusing on myself and the regret I had for treating him like shit that I didn’t even notice he’d started talking again. “Daniel—"I interrupted him, I decided it was time to finally do the right thing. “I have to break up with you.” My cheeks were flushing red as all the blood in my body rushed to my face. My heart was beating a mile a minute and suddenly the wool sweater I was wearing was the itchiest it had ever been.

“What?” He blinked a few times and I watched regretfully as the colour drained from his face.

The waiter who’d been cleaning the table next to ours winced—Daniel didn’t notice, but I did. I hung my head in shame, he’d probably seen us there at least twice a week.

“I’m sorry,” I spoke the words so quietly they were almost inaudible. “I just don’t love you anymore and I’ve tried but I can’t, I don’t want to live this lie anymore.” I was such a horrendous person I couldn’t even bring myself to cry—but not him, no, he was on the verge of tears.

“You don’t mean that do you?” He reached out for my hand.

“I’m sorry—“ I pulled away with lightning speed, “I do.”

He looked so ashamed of himself—but it wasn’t his fault, it was mine, wholeheartedly mine.

“And what if love is lonely.” He shook his head in disappointment as he recited one of his favourite quotes. “God,” he pushed the seat away from the table, he was still shaking his head “fuck.” He muttered as he fumbled for his coat, “I have to go.”

I didn’t try to stop him I just nodded. “I’m sorry,” I repeated myself, it was all I knew how to say in these kinds of situations.

The waiter who had been ardently polishing the table for way longer than he should have been looked towards me. “Is he going to be okay?” He asked boldly—as if it were his business.

I scoffed, “I don’t think so.”

“You’ve wanted to do that for months.” He said pointedly, “so why didn’t you do it earlier?” Again, he was asking questions he didn’t need the answers to.

“I’m sorry but that’s none of your business,” I retorted—who did he think he was?

“I’m sorry,” he shook his head, “I know it’s none of my business, I’ve just been watching you two for months now. You’re the only couple who ever come in here regularly, it’s hard not to notice the way you’ve changed over time.”

I was struck by his comment, “that’s really fucking weird—“ I squinted to take a look at his name tag “Zayn.”

He smiled, “not as weird as you think—I’m a behavioural science major, it’s kind of my job.”

“Sounds like a fake degree.” I joked it was better than my media communications major.

“Oh yeah? And what do you study then?” He arched an eyebrow.

I bit my lip nervously—I’d shot myself in the foot. “Media communications.”

“Ha!” He cackled, “yeah, my degree is definitely the fake one.” He shot a cheeky wink my way.

I couldn’t help but laugh—I’d just broken up with my boyfriend and I was laughing with the waiter of my on campus coffee shop. I slapped my palm to the middle of my forehead. “I am a horrible human being.” I groaned. “Horrible, horrible, horrible.”

“Look—if you want my opinion, not that it matters. I think you broke up with him mentally a while ago. You’ve already been through all the stages of guilt, you’re not a horrible person for not feeling bad about it. Take your time out now to figure out what you really want from life.”

I blinked in surprise, he’d really made some sense of it all. “Fuck, you really are a behavioural scientist hey?”

“I should fucking hope so. Look if you wanna sit for a bit that’s cool, but when you decide to leave don’t worry about the bill, it’s on me.” He gave me a genuine smile and finally stopped pretending to polish the damn table. “I’ll see you around.”

—

I lay still in my bed, staring up at my bedroom ceiling. The ominous glow from my salt lamp was keeping me awake, but I didn’t have the energy to get up and turn it off. The weight of disappointment was running me dry—I was so damn upset with myself. Not because of what I’d done to Dan the poor soul, but because I’d spent my whole afternoon thinking about the damn barista.

Zayn had made a good point, I had already broken up with Daniel months ago in my mind. Each day I spent with him was out of pity, not love. As bad as it sounded I knew it was true—but I also knew it was wrong to have another guy on my mind so soon after.

I kept trying to tell myself that it was okay—it was perfectly reasonable to find people attractive, but he was just—just not what I needed. I mentally tried to shut out the thought of him, but I couldn’t. His stupid brown eyes and unnecessarily sharp jaw line kept popping up without notice.

I picked up a pillow from beside me and shoved it into my face, letting out a little scream in the process—why was I like this?!

I made a mental note to try and avoid the cafe. I needed to make sure that I drummed it out of my head, even if that meant walking a few hundred metres extra to get some coffee.

My phone chirped from beside me, I reached down to get it from my bedroom floor. I hadn’t gotten round to procuring some bedside tables so there was an extension cord running from one corner of my room to the bed so that I could charge my phone.

“Aj: Come and watch a movie with me I am bored.”

I sighed and rolled over. It was only 10pm and there was no way I was going to sleep before 3am—not to mention I really needed a distraction. I also hadn’t told AJ about my break up with Dan yet, so I was going to have to do that and the odds of him having made food were high. I was damn hungry, I’d been too upset with myself to bother doing anything when I got back home—so I did what I do best and I just lay in my bed.

My best friend was lovely, but what he lacked was empathy. I could tell him that my granny died and he’d just nod and say “gosh why do people have to die?” and then start telling me about his last male conquest—it was indeed something. He did, however, have the talent of being honest with you no matter how sorry you were feeling for yourself, so I knew I had to see him.

I didn’t bother to change, he was only two flights of stairs away and security had seen me at my ugliest, so I was fine. I shoved on a pair of slides and grabbed my house key before trudging out the door.

-

“You look like shit,” AJ spoke bluntly as he opened the door—he was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, a yellow t-shirt and a blue robe.

“Fuck you.” I pushed past him and made my way towards his room. “Your apartment smells like crap—“ I gagged, it honestly smelt like someone had died.

“Yeahhhhh—“ he sighed heavily, “I was only gone for the weekend and someone left raw chicken in the bin and now Andrea is refusing to take them out because she’s a vegetarian.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “so I guess you’ll have to take them out then?” He was always pulling the weight for his flat and that’s why they took advantage.

“Like always,” he rolled his eyes, “everyone in this damn apartment is useless.” He ushered me into his room and away from the putrid smell.

“You give them the upper hand” I shrugged, “it’s your own fault.” I shut his room door behind me before plopping myself down on the edge of his bed.

“Sooooo.” I waited for him to sit down at his desk.

“Mmmm?” He hummed in curiosity as he opened his laptop and loaded up Netflix.

“I broke up with Dan,” I spoke so fast it sounded like I had verbal diarrhoea.

“Wait—“ he snapped his laptop closed, “you finally broke up with that boring piece of crap and what it only took you TWO years?” His mouth hung open as he stared at me intently waiting for the gossip.

“Stop!” He didn’t deserve AJ trash talking him, especially because he did nothing wrong. “He didn’t do anything bad, I just fell out of love.”

“What is love?” He raised an eyebrow in question. “We’re only 21, I doubt we know what it means yet.” He grabbed his water bottle to take a sip.

He was right, I don’t think I was ever entirely in love with Dan. If I were I imagine it would’ve felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest right now.

“I dunno, I just feel bad—like I can’t fault him. I broke up with him in the damn coffee shop.” I decided to omit the whole bonding with Zayn part afterwards, he’d make a big deal out of it.

“You can’t but I definitely can. The guy was boring, he always told you off for wanting to go out and have fun, he never joined in and he ALWAYS stared at other girls’ asses.” He slammed his water bottle down dramatically.

“Well—“ I looked down at my sad excuse for a bum, “I don’t blame him!”

“Oh my God!” AJ rolled his eyes, “he was gross, you are much better off now.”

“Bleeeeeh,” I let myself fall back onto his bed. “I’m not even sad, I should be sad.” I still couldn’t get over how emotionally drained I was.

“Can we stop talking about this—“ he silenced me, “there is no need to be sad and I want to watch my movie, so can we get on with it?” There it was, his lack of empathy and brutal honesty, rolled into one.

I waved my hand in the air, motioning for him to proceed. “Do you have any food?” I asked meekly, my poor soul was in need some of some charity.

“Yeah I made chicken curry and rice, you need to heat it up yourself tho.” He loaded up The Avengers and I literally rolled off his bed.

“God bless you.” I patted him on the head, “you are a golden child.”

He smacked my hand away, “by the way.” He stopped me before I could go into the kitchen. “My cousin is coming to stay this week, his girlfriend kicked him out two weeks ago and he hasn’t found a place to stay.”

“Shame, but what do I have to do with this?” I asked curiously. Too bad for the guy, I guess it was the season of breakups.

“Well number one, you can’t sleep here this week, and two we’re going out for dinner on Wednesday.” I was sad about the sleeping part. Whenever Dan wasn’t staying over at mine, I’d take refuge on AJ’s blow up mattress in the corner of his room so that I wouldn’t feel lonely. I had very bad anxiety when it came to being alone. I always needed to be with someone, but I was trying my best to work on it. I think that’s why I stayed with Dan for so long, because I was afraid of being alone.

“Yeah whatever, just tell me when to meet you.”

—

“Oh God—“ I spoke with my mouth full as I stared down at the caller ID on my phone.

“What?” AJ paused the movie and stared at me.

“Look who it is!” I swallowed the barely chewed food and motioned for him to look at the phone that was vibrating against my thigh.

“Ugh.” He shot me a look of disgust as Dan’s name flashed across the screen. “I always told you, you weren’t suited to him.”

“Why?” I rolled my eyes, he just couldn’t understand that it was me, not Dan that was the issue.

“Because he is an overly sensitive white boy who likes to silence you when you explain your culture to him, he wouldn’t even try seeing things from your perspective.” He aggressively unwrapped a mini milka and shoved it in his mouth.

“Okay so I tried explaining cultural appropriation to him once and he didn’t get it what’s the big deal?” My phone was still ringing.

“I think that in itself says a lot. Let alone him playing the ‘I’m not racist, my girlfriend is Indian’ card, fuck that.”

“Okay,” I admitted, “that was wrong, but he wasn’t racist—he was just ignorant.” Saying that out loud made me realise how wrong I was. “Oh—“ I paused “I see what you mean! But I honestly don’t think he ever meant harm.” I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but there were definitely times where he said things and I had to pause for a second and think “wow, what should I say?” Like when he said refugees were lying about why they wanted to enter the UK and that’s why we needed to leave the EU—I almost had an aneurysm explaining that situation to him. Or whenever he would tell me that he loved that he was dating me because I didn’t look Indian, I looked “exotic.” At the time it didn’t seem weird but reflecting on it made me really uncomfortable.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “You had to fall out of ‘love’ for a reason.”

The phone stopped ringing.

[orindasfinest]

TDFL PR W#1

Welcome to the first installment of the TouchDongers Foobaw Lig Power Rankings  yadda yadda this doesn’t really require any introduction – reading this is kind of like waking up in a virtual gulag in a Black Mirror episode. You can feign ignorance all you want, but you know deep down why you’re here, Mohamed Jetta.

I’m hosting this on tumblr because it’s barely more public than a google doc thanks to the porn ban that whisked away all my piss bookmarks just as I was starting to make real inroads on a new fetish. Thanks for nothing you Puritan technocrats. If the pageviews from this post give you 35 more cents in your next worthless sale I demand compensation in the form of 45 second clips of coeds soaking granite countertops.

Pay your league dues so I can indulge my second favorite fluffing pastime of mailing people ostentatious shit they don’t need. I’m accepting submissions for the name of the championship trophy. Current front-runner is The Shiny Hiney so you might want to get on that (and I’m not talking about scaling Griffin’s stark-white cracked mountainside prone to avalanches and civilian suffocation)

WITH PLENTY OF FAFFING ABOUT

10. Leaguema Balls (Dirty Mike)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 73 | PA: 167.7

Playing Next: Airstrip One Ezekiels Engels (Derv)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Living with the knowledge that he gave himself forehead welts

The only man in double digits for team score created a gulf between himself and the rest of the field almost as big as the space between his eyeballs. I’m not saying Mike’s squad is already done for, but on the heels of many players demanding trades from Miami after their week one demolition, Travis Kelce called his agent and said he wouldn’t do another mind-numbingly stupid McDonald’s commercial until he was cut loose to go play for another Dongers contender. Not only was this performance abysmal, but I can’t even label it an outlier because Devonta Freeman is now hurt and his 3 other major skill players are from the NFC North where points are harder to find than Josh Gordon’s 2 week AA chip.

9. Airstrip One Ezekiels Engels (Derv)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 120.9 | PA: 151.6

Playing Next: I just fukcing did this one

Questionable Decision of the Week: the Mets

Writing a summary of Derv’s fantasy prospects feels a lot like breaking the news to a wounded soldier that he’s had to have his dick amputated. Sure, you’re not technically dead, but what is there to live for? Derv has two good quarterbacks in a league where you can only start one, which marks the first and last time she’ll have two men vying for one of her slots. Zeke ended his holdout just in time to put up 12 points a game because Jerruh will be GOT DAMNED if he pays anyone an obscene amount of money and then has them succeed. Her best wide receiver made softcore porn with Pete Carroll. I’d rather read The Sun Also Rises again than keep looking at this roster to make any more jokes.

8. James White is Right (Tori)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 131.2 | PA: 173.4

Playing Next: The Queen’s Booty Lickers (Liv)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Thinking that being introverted is a substitute for a personality

Tori ran into a Clemson-scented buzzsaw this week and was really not at fault for the enormity of her loss, which is more than I can say about the fact that 85% of her Sundays vanish into her duvet cover because she got alcohol poisioning after gagging down 3 jello shots and looking at her bottle of listerine before she got into bed. That considered, though, she’s going to need Austin Ekeler to keep putting up 40-point games like he’s not a body double from ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ AND she’ll need Matt Ryan to learn what side of a football holds the white thingies for her to get any kind of consistent production going forward. Much like she would say about Sacramento being a gangrenous taint, “I just don’t see it.”

7. Sean’s Hard Mangos (sean)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 130.7 | PA: 136.2

Playing Next: Mark Ruffalo’s Ruffalo Bills (Aidan)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Paying more than the cost of a Notre Dame education for a military-grade laser-guided beard trimmer

Sean dropped his game versus Griffin in the closest fight since the donnybrook between his ex-girlfriend and sanity. A couple breaks here and there and he might have come away with a W. Unfortunately, Tyreek Hill will be out for an indefinite period of time after finding out that it’s hard to box with people who aren’t 5 years old and Evan Engram is going to put up 28 points again as soon as Father Jenkins decides it’s high time to adhere to his vow of poverty. His third-leading scorer this week was his kicker. Last time everyone discovered so obviously that something fishy was afoot Sean needed his location tracked to a downtrodden dormitory fuck-barn.

6. Mark Ruffalo’s Ruffalo Bills (Aidan)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 151.6 | PA: 120.9

Playing Next: Reading comprehension

Questionable Decision of the Week: $45 says he’s still doing Fontaine to all of his roommates and they’re plotting in equal measures to cut him out of the will and to put a steak knife in his femoral artery

Big boy trade man saw his wheeling and dealing pay off, running contrary to his favorite Silver-and-Black organization, and to the time he swapped his dignity for his desktop toaster oven. Drew Brees stepped up, and not just on the baby footstool he uses to properly gaze into the bathroom mirror to examine his face birthmark that looks like Spaghetti-O cum. Julio and JuJu took the field, which is worth 15 points apiece in standard ESPN scoring. Outside of that, though, we have another aberrant kicker performance, this one from Harrison “Anal” Butker, and Josh Jacobs putting up 25 against a Broncos defense more porous than an Aidan snap group selfie. Expect a greater fall from grace than that of the Robert Pattinson Porsche launching itself from the car WTC.

5. Cartoon Colt Copulation (Gabe)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 127.1 | PA: 145.3

Playing Next: The Birds Have Arrived (John)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Drafting from Hawaii during my last day on that particular vacation because I value disposable carnal pleasures more than lasting memories with my aging and loving parents

This ranking is like the number of inches I used to tell Tinder hookers after snapping them at 2AM: obviously inflated because I think I’m in control. A charitable read tells you that all of my risky/reachy picks paid off in spades and that I was one Desean Jackson start from starting the season off strong. A realistic assessment brings you back to the reality of the fact that depending on Desean Jackson for a victory is a lot like expecting me to bring you to orgasm. I’m just going to drop out before anyone crosses the line. Can’t wait to be 0-6 by the time AJ Green and Golden Tate come back, leaving me in a scramble for respectability that nobody respects, much like how I acquired my college degree.

4. Poo Poo Point Diarrheas (Griff)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 136.2 | PA: 130.7

Playing Next: TEAM DUMPSTER BEARS (Lauren)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Being really fucking amped about his band despite ostensibly not being under the influence of cocaine

Griffin’s starting lineup is the quintessential example of boom or bust, which is odd, because I thought the quintessential example of boom or bust was his nightly decision between offing himself and masturbating. Every single one of his starting skill players suits up for the Panthers, the Chargers, or the Rams. That diversity is so poor that it makes Mendoza look like the fucking United Nations. I’d tell you to branch out, Griff, but your bench is thinner than you if you were half your size and if half your size wasn’t also still fat. Will Lutz, your kicker, almost tripled the score of your quarterback. As the signal-caller in question is none other than Cameron Newton, I imagine that we won’t be hearing from Tori for a while, as her resultant pussy surge at a black man’s failure sent all of her electronics into traction.

3. TEAM DUMPSTER BEARS (Lolo)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 173.4 | PA: 131.2

Playing Next: What cruel twist of fate caused me to do the rankings like this

Questionable Decision of the Week: Letting me find out you actually own a Deshaun Watson jersey as if I didn’t already have enough roasting ammunition

Wowie! High score! Hope you’re hard at work roasting up some tasty crow for me to eat after my little draft-day Clemson jab because A) You cook so infrequently you thought a “burner” was one of the twitter accounts you use to solicit Hunter Renfrow dick pics and B) this is the last week you even sniff this stratosphere of point-getting. It is not often I flex my fantasy football “expertise” because clearly I don’t know shit about fuck but anyone who’s played this sick game of roulette for more than one season has learned the unalienable truth that you CANNOT TRUST SAMMY WATKINS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Holy god that 46.8-spot is a bigger mirage than someone looking at your hair under favorable light and thinking it has volume. Sammy will get run over by a stock car, Deshaun will have his spleen removed in week 6 when Laremy Tunsil turns his back on a bootleg to get fitted for a new nicotine gas mask, and your chances of success will disappear faster than your willingness to take on any more of my emotional baggage once I let you in the cargo hold. Much like our relationship, enjoy it while it lasts.

2. The Queen’s Booty Lickers (Liv)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 145.3 | PA: 127.1

Playing Next: James White is Right (Tori)

Questionable Decision of the Week: We won’t find out till next week, when she gets in contact again and sends 14 messages, 13 of which relate to topics nobody remembers and 1 of which is feloniously horny

It is cruel fucking fate that the Eagles stans would fly to the top of the power rankings from the word go. I know I attract toxic elements to my life, but being friends with multiple people from Philadelphia is like trying to run a fever to get out of going to school and instead having both your arms fed into an original Eli Whitney cotton gin. Liv didn’t even draft her squad, which probably explains why both Dak and Amari are both properly valued and are on this roster, ready to put up a combined 245 points a game because NFC East teams treat defense like Louis CK does consent. They don’t really think about it much. Hey Liv, hope that reflective road vest is enough to save you when Griffin trips coming out of a show and rolls downhill for 5 miles. It’s a good thing you have OBJ because you both look like closeted lesbians trying to stand out in Catholic school.

1. The Birds Have Arrived (John)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 167.7 | PA: 73

Playing Next: Cartoon Colt Copulation (idk some guy, poor bastard)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Getting piss on the floor of his bathroom, totally missing my mouth

This is a truly upsetting squad about which to write a recap. John’s team put up the second-most points with consistent performances across the board despite having AB and Melvin Gordon on the shelf. I haven’t been this worried about two people returning since John’s parents told him they were just going down to the store for a pack of cigarettes. It’s tough to not look at this lineup and be intimidated, so now we all know how John’s organs feel when they receive the message from his tastebuds that there’s a combination of peanut butter, salsa, Drano, and barbeque sauce slathered on a cheesesteak coming down the hatch. At least that sub is still more palatable than his dating life. John wanted me to hear two words: Antonio Brown. I got 2(1) words for ya, John: You’re the Anthony Fantano of book reviews if Fantano looked like Steve Brule and had the follower base of the Shakers.

See ya next week!

-Commish