#also love how fdb is always asking llh “what are you thinking?”

[rose-tinted-vision]

Fic: 当你醒来 我已不再

relationships: Li Lianhua & Fang Duobing

(link to ao3 fic)

Li Lianhua looks at the wangchun flower, and ponders.

It is not for him.

It is not Li Lianhua that Di Feisheng and everyone else wanted to save, it is Li Xiangyi that they want returned from the grave. They want the selfless hero, the beacon of peace and hope for the jianghu.

But Li Lianhua is not Li Xiangyi anymore.

He cannot bring back the young hero everyone coveted. He has long since regarded Li Xiangyi as a separate entity, a skin he has shedded long ago.

If he takes the wangchun flower, it means taking on the mantle of Li Xiangyi once more, putting on the cape again, trying to fill in the too-large shoes that that spectre of the past left behind.

Li Xiangyi is better off left undisturbed, ten feet under the ground, he tells himself. He is not as good as the people paint him to be. Li Xiangyi was arrogant, too trusting, too idealistic. The world cannot be saved by one man alone, nor can he save everyone with his words alone.

He once trusted all the wrong people, naively thought that by reaching the peak of the martial world, he could save everyone. Now that he has traversed the jianghu, he knows. He knows that his shifu had been right all along.

"I don't want you to be some big shot, I just want you and your shixiong to eat well, drink well and live well."

"Li Lianhua, what are you thinking about?"

A gentle shake brings him out of his spiralling thoughts, a never ending cesspool that only grew worse with each passing minute. He relaxes his death grip on the wooden box minutely.

"You haven't taken the wangchun flower yet?" Fang Duobing asks, fighting to keep his voice level.

Fang Duobing. His Xiaobao. The only person who genuinely wanted to save Li Lianhua.

He considers shaking it off with another lighthearted lie, but finds that he cannot bring himself to. He can't lie in the face of such pure, undiluted concern again.

"This flower isn't for Li Lianhua," he says, knowing that Fang Xiaobao will understand what he means.

Even in death, he cannot go peacefully. He has been told to live. It is demanded of him to live.

The man who was once known as Li Xiangyi finds that he does not know whether he wants to live. And perhaps that is the most telling point that he is no longer Li Xiangyi. Could no longer be Li Xiangyi. He has given so much of himself, even at the expense of his own life, that there was nothing left to give.

Fang Xiaobao, observant as always, picks up on his hesitance. He moves to sit next to Li Lianhua, clasping a steady hand over his trembling ones.

"If you choose to leave, it's fine," Fang Xiaobao says, letting out a shaky exhale, "you're not letting anybody down. It's this world that let you down. They don't deserve Li Lianhua or Li Xiangyi."

Li Lianhua makes a tired grunt in protest, which is quickly shushed by Fang Xiaobao, "But it's not just me that wants Li Lianhua to live. Su-mei also knows you. Zhan-xiong would rather you live happily. The one Xiao-gu fancied was also Li Lianhua, not Li Xiangyi."

Quietly, after a beat or two, he adds, "A-Fei also just wants you to be alive."

Perhaps. He can't quite bring himself to believe that statement, not when all Di Feisheng talked about was curing Li Lianhua to fight Li Xiangyi again. He already knew Di Feisheng's opinion on the matter; he did not need a reminder.

Fang Xiaobao, however, was another thing entirely. He has hurt him too many times to count, telling one boldfaced lie after another in the face of Fang Xiaobao's sincerity, and yet the other still chased after him anyway. Showed him forgiveness and patience, accepting Li Lianhua for all his deceit and lies, even after being pushed away repeatedly.

Though he knows the answer to this- it's damningly clear through Fang Xiaobao's every action- a part of him needs to hear it straight from his mouth.

"What about you?" Is it Li Xiangyi or Li Lianhua that you want to save?

Fang Xiaobao reels back as if he were slapped, hurt so openly displayed on his face that Li Lianhua wished to retract his words and swallow them whole.

"Li Lianhua, you should know by now" Fang Xiaobao says, his eyes alight with cold fury, "I will only recognize one zhiji in this life, and that is Li Lianhua."

Perhaps it is the conviction in his tone, or the grief that spilled over into his anger, or simply the mink coat that Fang Duobing had wrapped him in a few hours prior- but Li Lianhua finds himself pulled back slightly from the precipice he had been tethering on.

The realisation that he does not want to die is gut wrenching, suddenly overcome with guilt that Fang Xiaobao chose a dying man to recognize as his zhiji. Li Lianhua mourns the future that he is unable to live out. He will not be able to grow old with Fang Xiaobao in his rickety old home as the hair on their heads turn white, will not be able to travel all over the jianghu to solve crimes with his zhiji.

After all, the wangchun flower was not a guaranteed cure. Just one that held higher chances than any other cure.

He nearly says as much, clamping his mouth shut when his brain catches up. Fang Xiaobao might actually kill him for saying that, and then jump into hell to bring him back again.

Belately, he realises that he has not responded to Fang Xiaobao's declaration, and gives a stiff nod on response.

"Just…" Fang Xiaobao whispers, shifting to get up, "don't suddenly disappear without a word, okay?"

—

Li Lianhua stares at the wangchun flower. His legs are numb from having sat too long, and the mink coat is but a flimsy protection from the cold around him.

Behind him, dawn is breaking, varying shades of bright orange bleeding into the dusky blue, its rays of light illuminating the wangchun flower. In this light, it almost looks as glorious as the myths surrounding it make it out to be.

He hears Hulijing's barks growing closer, following the familiar cadence of Fang Xiaobao's footsteps, signalling that breakfast is ready.

Meeting Fang Xiaobao had disrupted his carefully laid plans to live out the rest of his limited lifespan, had brought forth several disturbing revelations, forcing him to bring back a dead man to resolve the many issues that sprang forth.

But Li Lianhua finds that he does not mind.

(In fact, when it comes to his closest friend, his zhiji, he finds that he can let quite a few things slide).

Maybe Li Lianhua would try to live, for the sake of one Fang Duobing, his Fang Xiaobao.