#also kinda oversharing maybe ahhh i probably shouldn't post this

[moriaddty]

Small note: this is very diffrent from other things i post, but i decided to just use this blog as an outlet for whatever is currently going through my mind, whatever i am currently hyperfixated on, as a way to get it out of my head for now, to maybe stop the hyperfixation.

It contains traces of my experience coming out as trans to friends and a certain part of the doubt/concern that those reacted with, just in case this is smth you are sensitive to, i was too when i started to come out to people.

Im currently thinking about discussions i had with a friend of mine about discrimination he experiences as a man and how he feels lost and like there arent any support things for him and other young men, but he hears of lots for women and LGBTQIA+.

And this friend isnt the only one that discussed that with me. Nearly all of my cis male friends talked about similar experiences around me coming out as a trans man still pre-everything.

The sentiment echoed by all of them was: "why would you want to be a man, it sucks, you just get ignored by society and all your struggles invalidated."

Some even voiced the concern of "If you want to be a man bc you hear how men have it easier then women all the time, its not worth it, our struggles are different but we struggle and dont even get support." (very weird and kinda backwards suspicion of my "motivation" to come out and wrong but nonetheless honest of what they think somehow?! I took it as genuine concern out of not knowing a lot about my side and experience. Those who in following talks made clear that they just voiced it bc they werent believing my experience and emotions, were against being trans and trans people in general, i cut out of my life.)

I explained to them that i dont "want to be a man" but i am a man, or at least feel extremly uncomfortable and hurt when being percieved as a woman, and feel more confident in myself and somehow relieved when being percieved and treated as a man.

I got (mostly, luckily) accepted for who i am, but the sentiment of "Our struggles that are closly connected to being men are being ignored and invalidated, we dont get any support for them like other people do for their struggles." I hear even more now, as i hear bros talking to me as their fellow bro.

And i just realized: arent young men also a minority in most countries?

They have to be because the youth in general is a minority? Here in Germany, the majority of people is around 60 according to statistics. People older then 80 are a minority, but so are people under 35.

How come we hear so little about supporting structures and organisations for young men? I know some exist in Germany (not that many catering to specific problems young men experience sadly), i looked into that before, but even the mere existence of those isnt in common knowledge of your everyday person.

Like, not even the knowledge of the specific organisations. But that something like it exists, not only isnt in the awareness of people, but even the possibility of smth like that existing seems to unfathomable for many, hence they don't even try searching for them.

Anyone has any thoughts on why it is like that?

(Also any pointers towards organisations that also have support for struggles of young men, especially in Europe and Germany, that any of you all maybe have made good personal experiences with (or even bad experiences ones as a small warning of those) are greatly appreciated, as are any other resources about this topic.)

[moriaddty]

Random Thought/Selfreflection/Realisation:

Dunno if anyone else experiences this but i have a friend which told me that they would like me to cry more around them. They say its because i have a tendency to cry and often tell them that i cried when we write about our day. But they noticed that i nearly never cry around them or when i do i try to surpress it, and they said they want me to know that they are a safe person to show my emotions to.

But that's not the reason i dont cry or activly surpress it around them.

Its that most of the time when i cry its not because i am genuinely sad about something, but for some reason my body expressing emotions running wild, without any real reason for the expressed emotion. It doesn't even feel like its my emotion that gets expressed but more like as if it was an intrusive thought but instead of a thought its an emotion. I also figured out so far that this happens mostly when i forgot to take my antidepressants and didnt manage to eat well.

I dont know if "intrusive emotions" are even a thing or i just feel this way bc i might be disconnected from my emotions sometimes, but that description feels most accurate. And it helped with dealing with them in a way that yes i might be crying rn but i doesn't feel sad really and thats okay, having an strong expression of an emotion doesnt mean that there has to be a deeper reason for it at all everytime or that i even have the emotion right now, it can also just be brain stupid. Just like when brain gives me anxiety bc i have stomacheache bc stomacheache is usually how my body expresses anxiety and it expects stomacheache to always be an expression of anxiety, which isnt the case, i can also just have eaten smth bad sometimes.

I dont know if i subconsciously decided that this friends isnt a safe person to let those "intrusive emotions" just express themselves but clearly communicate that they arent really my emotions in this moment like i do around other friends because i didnt get the feeling that they "trusted my judgment" of those emotions and take them at the same value as when i am genuinely sad, permanently questioning if it couldn't be that they are my deep down emotions and im just in denial if i do experience it around them, instead of just being like "okay if its smth you want to talk about you can, but if you dont want to or if its just body being weird and stupid imma just hug you and you can let it out, I'll be here and we can do whatever you decide is best for handling the emotions.", like other friends do.

But i do let genuine emotions express around them, im just rarely feeling very strong genuine emotions that would express themselves that visibly, the "intrusive ones" are way more common.

Dunno its weird and i dont know how tell my friend that beside saying exactly this, which it didnt seem like they understood and accepted.

My cynical side says: "if you have to say 'show me your emotions more i am a safe person to show emotions to' to someone, you probably arent a safe person to show emotions to for this person in they way you'd like/think you are."