#also jami is really weird obvi so i had to put that in there

[theosconfessions]

if youd like to read the stephens from the beginning you can over here :)

if youd like to read the stephens continued you can over here:)

@ohsosims

theo- thought you looked this shit over already.

dustin- well hey. missed you too

theo- hey. missed you. thought you looked this shit over already?

dustin- jami was taking my place running the club this week

theo- i can tell. look sweet that youre giving jami a shot really but he cant do this shit,dustin. from now on if you have doctors apointments..therapy... what the fuck ever. i got it

dustin- you have a lot of shit going on too, theo

theo- no i dont.

dustin- yes you do.i know you do.

theo- dustin, its just getting old. nothing is going on. i dont need all of those appointments. i dont to speak with a therapist. thats you,man and i get that. becasue i did it to you . but honestly all that shit . just me being old. nothing malicious. i have nothing going on. i have time fo this.

dustin- may i like letting jami be in charge sometimes because that means i get more time home with you

theo- [smirks softly] yeah i like it too. i do.

dustin- then whats the problem?

theo- the problem is that jami hires literally everyone. and he recruits. riv told me the other day jami approached blake about it.

dustin- blake blake?

theo-and you know what he said? that hes an adult. he can make his own decisions and im like jami, thats rivers friend, absolutely not. and YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT BOY. riv told me blake was all stuttering. its actually funny thinking about it but gross.

dustin- yeah really gross. i didnt know,theo.

theo- no i know. thats what im saying this for. jamis fucked up. thats why i want you to let me take care of the place okay?

dustin- okay yeah no more. but the minute you start feeling like youre having an episode or...

theo- dustin i swear to god. i am FINE. this is what happens when you mary someone so much older than you, okay. we get to this point . nothings how it was when i was 45 but i promise you,kid. im good.

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 504

Let’s make this one quick, because tbh I really dgaf about Alicia and Isiah and I’m almost done with Maas’ new book so if any other’s in the Maaslander squad wanna chat about it, I have feelings.

They’re really dragging this Bonnet thing out, aren’t they. I mean, the books did too, but they could have, ya know, AdApTeD. Le sigh.

Hallo the house is the olde timey version of texting “here” when you get to your buddy’s place.

This episode could really be titled Men Suck.

I mean really. Roger? The Browns? Bonnet? Even fucking Elijah Ford manages to suck and we never even see him!

Jamie doesn’t suck much in this episode. Which is a nice change of pace for him. But he’s been headcanon’ed beyond recognition so whatevs.

Fergus doesn’t suck. Fergus is always the exception who can hang with the ladies because he’s cool enough to be in the good squad.

I just fucking love Fergus ok.

As someone who *hates* shopping, back in the day shopping seems like my exact version of hell.

Also, like, have these fuckers not learned their lessons about not communicating? They don’t need to fucking tell everyone the whole truth, but come the fuck on. They can at least give the Ridge Squad a heads up to not fuck with rando Irishmen who may show up.

I swear, they’re all so dumb it hurts.

Also, Bree, girl. You’re talking to an old Scottish lady. Maybe don’t shit on the Irish in a way that also directly applies to her.

Alicia was Mr. Darcy’s daughter on Ripper Street, right? She looks super familiar.

I’m offended on Fergus’ behalf that they’re wasting so much of his whisky with that leaky stopper, tbh.

Ah, toxic masculinity and patriarchal bullshit. Right up there with rape as my FaVoRiTe way to demonstrate that ye olde times sucked.

It’s like dialed to 11 this episode so obvi I spent the majority of it rolling my eyes.

The Jamie and Claire with the baby stuff was solid though.

And thank fuck they refer to her as Bonnie. Like, Diana is notoriously bad with names, but come the fuck on. Alicia Brown and Alicia Beardsley in like the same few chapters? THERE ARE A LOT OF NAMES IN EXISTENCE, DIANA. IT’S OK TO BRANCH OUT A BIT.

Every time something like this comes up, I remember that there’s another random Randall but like as a first name, I think, in the Gathering Without End. Because of course.

Fergus should really be a fucking diplomat. I mean really.

I am approximately 1000% over sing-alongs with Roger. Can we hang the fucker already so he can’t talk anymore?

Yay freedom! You know what goes well with freedom? An incestuous throuple. You do you, Beardsleys.

“You’re 14.” “Uh, I am clearly in my mid-20s.” “Nope, 14.” “Cool cool. Message received.”

“Congratulations, you work fast milord.” I JUST FUCKING LOVE FERGUS SO MUCH.

Seriously, this show needs more Fergus. Also more Fergus, Bree and Marsali bonding. Like, if we’re gonna have an episode about randos, we clearly could have better used the time to have the Fraser kiddos bonding.

“When in Rome...” STFU, Roger. Cosplaying your way through history like you’re on a fieldtrip isn’t cute. It’s fucking annoying. And you wonder why Jamie doesn’t like you. You are an eminently unlikable person.

Roger would def be the guest the hosts in Westworld want to kill.

The only good part about this side-quest is that there’s so much of Jamie telling Roger he sucks. And really, I’m here for any and all of Roger being told he sucks.

Ok but literalol at how badly Caitriona/Claire knocked over her mug. She like put it down fine and then tipped it over.

Oh hey, I wonder who that rando doctor who gives the weird advice is.

Lucinda is a cinnamon roll.

“Beauchamp, Randall, Fraser, now Rawlings? Ye have another husband I should ken about?” “Well, not yet, but you know your buddy who’s in love with you? Well...”

Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp Randall Fraser Randall Fraser Grey Fraser is a very respectable name.

DON’T MAKE FUN OF THE DRINK OF FERGUS’ PEOPLE, BROWN MAN.

Literally the whole time in Brownsville all I could think was fuck, I really don’t want them to do the ABOSAA bit with them next season but I know they’re gonna and I already don’t want to waste time doing fucking recaps.

I’m bored.

Fuck there’s still half an hour left.

“What sort of man would I be if I allowed a lady to sleep out with the militia on a cold, dark night?” Idk, the kind of man whose people kidnap and rape a lady? *preemptive rage intensifies*

I know I should be freaking out that Bree’s freaking out that Bonnet kidnapped Jemmy, but all I could think of is the old podsa ads for SimpliSafe.

The Ridge needs SimpliSafay.

I fucking hate this storyline with the passion of a thousand fiery suns, but I fucking love Marsali.

Omfg I know it’s Brownsville but them all being Browns is fucking like GoT shit. Like, diversify your gene pool, y’all.

Ok, glad there’s finally a Marsali and Bree scene. But I still wish they could hang and like chat about stuff like pals.

That being said, MARSALI IS A FUCKING SAINT AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

And of course, more violence against women. Because we can’t go two seconds without reminding the audience that the past is Bad and Dangerous for women.

Also, is Marsali still preggo? Which baby are we on? What time is it? How much longer is left in this season episode?

Cute of Claire to be like hey, Rog, Jamie’s trusting you with me! His favorite thing! Like Jamie’s not actually trusting Claire with his daughter’s dipshit husband.

Oh hey, remember how Brianna can draw Bonnet fairly accurately? Sure would be nice if there was a way to, idk, show those pics to folks on the Ridge. Just spit-balling here, but like, maybe giving folks a heads up would be a good idea. Kind of like how she fuCKING COULD HAVE DRAWN ROGER LAST YEAR BECAUSE TALKING ABOUT HER BOYFRIEND IS A NORMAL THING TO DO WITH FAMILY AND THEN WE WOULDN’T HAVE HAD ROGERGATE AND OMFG THE DUMB. IT HURTS SO MUCH.

Claire just fucking yeeted that baby lol.

For real though, literalol at Jamie like taking his coat off and being all dramatic as he prepares to... play DDR.

omega psi chi phi upsilon tau sigma rho pi omicron xi nu mu lambda kappa iota theta eta zeta epsilon delta gamma beta alpha

Drunk!Claire is back!

I fucking love drunk!Claire. So does Jamie.

The scene where they talk about raising the baby together is adorable. But also, like, Jamie, you’re grandparents now. All the good parts of parenting with none of the shitty parts! And y’all have been through enough shit in your lives that you deserve all the fluffy grandparenting!

“And Marsali and Fergus... Well, I’m sure they will keep the Ridge sufficiently populated if that’s what you’re worried about.” “ Yeah, that lass is with child every time Fergus lays eyes upon her.” WHERE IS THE LIE THO.

Joking aside though, they’d better keep giving Marsali more stuff to do than spit out babies. *aggressively side-eyes a certain author who DiDn’T lIkE wRiTiNg AbOuT kIdS*

Good on them for tweeting out the suicide prevention hotline. Literally the least they can do.

I’m barely really trying to give a shit about Alicia and Isiah, but alas, idgaf.

Literally the only good thing about this whole story line is Isiah being like “step the fuck off, you raging hypocrites” to Roger and Jamie.

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 311

It kind of took all I had not to fast forward through the first half of this episode. But whatever. Survivalist!Claire’s aesthetic does things for me. Drunk!Claire is my everything. And hey, not-a-dick!Jamie is back. There are only two episodes left so y’all are almost done having to scroll past my profanely-expressed disappointment with how that character has been written in the back half of the season.

But yeah. The first half of the episode, my shallow feelings about Claire looking nice while traipsing about in the jungle aside, is pretty much pointless. But I’ll take the fluffy second half. Same disclaimer as usual though about watching it as its own thing and not part of the larger season. (Is it just me or does this season feel like just a series of episodes rather than a larger overarching story like the other two did? Obvi every season is a series of episodes. That’s how TV works, duh. But idk, there’s something different about this one and for me it feels like there’s something missing...)

Anywho... DRUNK!CLAIRE AND SECKSI TIMES AND DRUNK!CLAIRE AND FERSALI AND DRUNK!CLAIRE AND MIRRORS AND DRUNK!CLAIRE AND MARSALI STARTING TO LIKE CLAIRE AND DRUNK!CLAIRE AND CHECKING THINGS OFF JAMMF’S SECKSI TIME BUCKET LIST AND DRUNK!CLAIRE!

*clings to scraps because otherwise why bother*

Claire napping/passed out on her raft reminds me of the time I literally fell asleep while floating in a pool. Because it really is possible to nap anywhere. Naps are great. #TeamNap

Ok so the fire ants are gross but that sequence did result in a reminder that Claire has really nice legs. So thanks for that, ants.

*pours one out for Coco’s dead relatives*

Why bother having Mamacita notice the zipper and then not have it even be a thing?

Hated the stuff with Fogden in the book. Hate it in the show. His only purpose is to marry Fersali and foreshadow the cave so the amount of time spent on him makes me roll my eyes like whoa.

Every time Claire tells someone she’s a doctor, have a drink and smash the patriarchy.

Ok. Tom Hanks literally had no one to talk to when he went all in with Wilson. Fogden has a fucking human woman living with him. And animals. And a town like a day away. WHY THE FUCK IS HE TALKING TO A COCONUT. STRANGER DANGER. RUN THE FUCK AWAY, CLAIRE.

I’m apparently a bit salty about sitting through so much with him.

Like we spend what feels like forever on his story about Ermenegilda. (It’s really like two minutes, but when you give no fucks about the story, it feels like 20.) We know more about this rando fucker who means nothing to Claire than we do about Joe, her best and only friend who was like the most important person in her life, besides Bree, for more than a decade. You make weird af choices, show. #TeamJoe

Of course the guy who fucking talks to a fucking coconut is also menacing af. Jfc, Claire. Get the fuck out of there. There is literally nothing stopping you. Mamacita will gladly point you in the right direction. Why are we still here with this dude.

Can Mamacita not call Claire a whore though? Can we just generally stop having people call Claire a whore? Cool.

Aaand now we get more about his dead girlfriend. Yes, loving people and missing daughters, yada yada. I still don’t care about this character. Didn’t need Sandy’s sob story. Don’t need Fogden’s. Stop trying to make fetch happen.

YOU DON’T NEED TO CONVINCE FATHER FOGDEN TO LET YOU GO, CLAIRE. JUST FUCKING LEAVE. IT’S NOT LIKE HE HAS YOU LOCKED UP. ASK THE LADY WHO WANTS YOU GONE TO POINT YOU IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF THE TOWN AND JUST BOUNCE.

Oh hey, Abandawe again. That’s probs not going to be a thing later...

See, look! Look how happy Mamacita is to give you general directions that transcend the language barrier, Claire! Oy. Moving on...

Well golly gee willikers it looks like the boys have somehow showed up at the beach equivalent of Galavant’s Forest of Coincidence! How fortunate.

(For serious. That scene is great.)

(I mean the one in Galavant. Not the boys on the beach.)

“Ye may have impure thoughts... But wi’ a pure heart, ye will have His forgiveness.” Ok this right here basically sums up my issue with second half of the season Jamie. Yes, it’s a comforting thing to say to Fergus, but it’s also how Jamie apparently rationalizes his not-stellar behavior. That one NYT recap said the show had a Jamie problem because he never had to answer for anything he did, and this is Jamie basically being like yep. That’s correct.

Apparently Claire has “freakishly accurate with mirror signals” in the special skills section of her resume. Wat.

It’s ok though because LOOK AT HER FACE WHEN SHE SEES JAMIE COMING FOR HER.

Their hug is magical, but I can’t stop giggling over Jamie going all phoebe buffay running dot gif.

“Mac Dubh’s wife turns up in the most unlikely of places, does she no?” “Aye. She just drops out of nowhere.” Thanks for that oh so totally necessary bit of on-the-nose meta, Lesley and Hayes. I still am in no way invested in you.

Obligatory “I love Yi Tien Cho” bullet. Like obvi with his acupuncture skills, he has some knowledge of medicine. But he just fixes Claire’s arm up like a boss. I really do love the two of them together.

Also I’m so fucking happy they cut the nonsense with the pirates. Like there are a bagillion ways for Claire to hurt her arm and thank fuck they decided on a way that’s so much better and less time consuming than fucking pirates. That said, no brownie points for fixing things that obviously needed fixing. That’s literally the job of the adaptation.

Oh right. Searching for Young Ian. That’s what all this is about. I’d forgotten that, what with all the side-quests...

I still don’t get why Jamie like considers himself to be all magnanimous for giving Fergus and Marsali his blessing. Like there really isn’t a good reason for him to object? Whatevs.

Yi Tien Cho giving Fogden the chicken is basically like “Jamie, you’re lucky I like your wife so much. Because fuck you for making me do this.”

THE SCENE WITH CLAIRE AND MARSALI IS MY EVERYTHING. GIVE ME ALL THE SCENES WITH CLAIRE AND MARSALI.

CAN MARSALI PLEASE STOP CALLING JAMIE “DADDY” THOUGH? IT’S SO FUCKING CREEPY.

Pretty sure Claire forgets to actually tell Marsali about ye olde timey birth control though, lol, because she is basically just constantly preggo for the rest of the series. (Yes, I know in the book Claire does tell her. But if we don’t see that convo in the show, I’m headcanoning that they forgot because Marsali basically gets pregnant every time Fergus like looks in her general direction.)

THEIR LITTLE SMILES AT EACH OTHER WHEN MARSALI SAYS MAYBE CLAIRE IS NOT THE DEVIL AFTER ALL. I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

I love Marsali being sassy at her wedding. And Claire and Jamie being all proud of their first child in the background. And Jamie giving Fergus the name that’s basically been his since before Culloden. And apparently Fergus share’s his dad’s affinity for ridiculous scarves. And Fergus’ little smile at Jamie and Claire after the ceremony kills me in the best way possible.

OK GUYS IT’S HAPPENINGGGGG. I love this scene and word-vomited about why way back in August and it’s finally here. The actual plot at this point in the season is not something I give a single fuck about. I’m here for fluffy smut.

DRUNK!CLAIRE IS MY EVERYTHING.

DRUNK!CLAIRE DECLARING THAT SHE IS IN FACT A DOCTOR IS MY EVERYTHING.

DRUNK!CLAIRE’S FACE WHEN SHE SPITS OUT THE THINGY FROM THE SYRINGE IS MY EVERYTHING.

DRUNK!CLAIRE SUCCESSFULLY PUTTING THE NEEDLE ON THE SYRINGE ONE HANDED AND BEING QUITE PROUD OF HERSELF THANK YOU VERY MUCH IS MY EVERYTHING.

JAMIE BEING AMUSED BY MAKING THE NEEDLE JIZZ A LITTLE AND DRUNK!CLAIRE BEING STARTLED BY SAID NEEDLE JIZZ IS MY EVERYTHING.

DRUNK!CLAIRE BEING LIKE YES, STAB ME IN THE ARSE PLEASE IS MY EVERYTHING.

DRUNK!CLAIRE STABBING HERSELF IN THE ARSE BECAUSE BOYS ARE USELESS IS MY EVERYTHING.

DRUNK!CLAIRE “MMM”-ING AT JAMIE IS MY EVERYTHING.

DRUNK!CLAIRE DECLARING THAT DAMMIT SHE *IS* RESPECTABLE IS MY EVERYTHING.

DRUNK!CLAIRE CRAWLING ACROSS THE TABLE IS MY EVERYTHING.

BOLT THE FUCKING DOOR, JAMIE! BOLT THE DOOR! BOLT DOOR! BOLDOR! BODOR!

CURRENT SEXUALITY: DRUNK!CLAIRE GIGGLING AS SHE GRABS THE D.

DRUNK!CLAIRE BOLTING THE DOOR HER DAMN SELF BECAUSE BOYS ARE USELESS IS MY EVERYTHING.

GUYS JAMIE FINALLY GETS TO DO IT THE BACK WAY. YOU KNOW, LIKE HORSES.

DRUNK!CLAIRE’S “NO, SHE HASN’T” IS MY EVERYTHING.

BANG ON, FRASERS.