#also ive been going on a diet cause i weight myself every morning and my weight finally cross the upper boundary of the threshold i set for

[moonsuke]

At least e7 still loves me tho I don’t love it. Been grinding more nsc these days to get stones for god banner. e7 kinda boring...

[dawnowar]

Been on my January Diet for a week

I’m counting calories this time because I got so sick of WW that I just plain wasn’t doing it anymore for long enough i may as well save my $$$$. I’m eating sugar again (in limited quantities) and i couldn’t be happier. It’s not hard sticking to this at all and im just wearing my fitbit and trying to burn more calories than I eat. 

So i got a Planet Fitness membership cause its cheap in addition to my regular Jazzercise classes which i go to almost every day. The days I don’t go are usually Saturday cause theres only morning classes and I go out Friday nights and sleep through them... and Thursdays cause im in a different part of town and if i rush over, i get the worst instructor and if i go home and eat first I don’t get up. 

I’ve had gym memberships before and i mostly dont use them because if theres not a time to show up and instructor instructing me, i dont do any actual exercise, but PF is great especially for the price. You’re sure to get screwed out of a month’s money when you finally decide to cancel because you will inevitably cancel on the wrong day but thats hardly a tragedy and you can still use the memebership up until you’re really canceled.

As far as using it goes, the gym is friendly and clean and cheap and safe which is all my fave things. I signed up for a “class” which turned out to be a small group w a trainer for half an hour, but since i was the only one signed up, he gave me a personal training session for about 45 min. Said its like that at this location and if you sign up at a not-busy time you can basically get free personal training on the regular. 

Sounded good and then i woke up sore the next day! LOL and it was Thursday so instead of rushing across town to the bad Jazzercise instructor, I did an at home yoga class.. I got a groupon for $15 for a year subsciption to Yoga Collective where you can stream yoga classes and do em in your house. 

The price was right even if i only use it once, that’s about the price of a drop-in class in these here parts, but i was bummed to find out there’s no Roku channel for Yoga Collective, so i bought a chromecast for $35 so I can stream these workouts on my TV.

Even still, i have to use the Google Home app to mirror my tablet to stream it but it does it and it’s great and im sure i’m glad i bought it. I love Yoga but its really too damn expensive. The cheap yoga places memberships are $75 a month (the expensive ones are $100) and i’m already paying somewhere around $55/mo for Jazzercise. Used to have both when they were both $50 a month but going over the $100 a month mark for exercise seems like a lot to me. I may change my mind because i miss real Yoga.

But seriously, why does yoga cost that much im not really sure. 

So the Chromecast, for the record, does a great job streaming YouTube where the Roku channel is a nightmare. That alone might be worth the $35 i spent for it. 

Meanwhile I’m feeling thinner. Maybe not stronger just yet but after spending most of this Fall sick in bed with colds and sore throats and sinus infections, I not only gained 10-15 lbs but i got weak and flabby so it feels great to be back in action. I’m not quite at the fitness level i was at before, but I’m way closer to it than I was around Thanksgiving when I got sick for i think the 5th time and relented to just having to not worry about it during the Holidays and just know I’m going on a January diet. 

I really wanted to. The holidays seemed endless and I just felt fatter and flabbier as they went on and on...  so i got back on track pretty easily.

I’m weighing myself once a week on Mondays. Any more than that makes me a little crazy. Spent, i dont know.. decades.. trying to figure out how to not let the number on that scale decide how i felt about myself. 

I’m there which is great. I have a long and terrible relationship with my scale and I’ve found that I basically can’t weigh myself because i get obsessed with what number it gives me. Also i swear that number is +/- 4lbs at any given time..and because I’m talking about having 15 lbs to lose....that can really send me into some bad place quickly if i get a high number when I step on.

anyway its taken me DECADES to ignore the scale. and just do the thing where i watch what i eat and exercise. But ive also found that i have to weigh myself sometimes or I have no real confirmation if what im doing it doing any real good or not. Even weekly weigh ins seem counter-productive sometimes when I know what ive done and the number isnt gonna be good. Sometimes I gain when I do everything right. Which is the madding part. They’re good about not being judgy at WW but I hate that they still make you weigh in and they still put the focus on the scale even though they act like they aren’t doing that.. but you don’t make lifetime for creating healthy habits, you earn it by keeping your weight under a certain number and keeping it there. 

If you fall off, then basically they start charging you again. Which is reasonable. They don’t kick you out or shame you or anything but this program is about numbers, make no mistake. 

Anyway i learned a lot in my on/off WW time about how to just not diet in secret and not be ashamed of it cause literally everybody has struggles with their weight and if they don’t, they’re the weird one, not you. And getting on the scale isn’t terrible at all if you don’t let the number you see rule you. Because whatever it says you’re gonna keep eating right and exercising, and if you don’t you’ll start again tomorrow. and if you keep doing that you’ll get where you want to be eventually. 

I’m loving the exercise. Now that I’m active i want to do even more stuff but my body isn’t cooperating just yet. It wants to rest. I know i need to rest but my brain is so ready to do this. 

My knees also didn’t get the memo but theyre holding up well. Years of exercising w arthritic knees and ive figured out what not to do the hard way mostly already and im so much stronger than i ever was, but i still have problems sometimes and im trying to be careful.

My heel is swollen. It does that sometimes and i have to stay off it, but im not going to. This is an old injury that never healed right from about 5 1/2 yrs ago so it probably will never be any better than it is now. Its Yoga funny enough that messes it up worst for all the weight bearing one-legged moves. But i’ve got Tuli’s heel cups or heel cushions of some variety in all my shoes and yoga jellies and extra padding for my already-thick mat and its getting better while I’m still exercising so i’m not stopping, but i did ride a bike at PF the other day instead of doing weight-bearing cardio. 

I’m just trying to do something every day, and burn a certain amount of calories per day and eat less calories than that. Should work out. 

[bts-reacts]

Where I've Been the Past Couple Days

Hello guys! Now I don't post too many personal things here, but this is something I didn't know and it almost cost my life

As a young woman, I thought UTIs were something that was very common among girls my age because we don't quite know how to take care of our "down there" hygiene, don't know how to clean up after sex, etc. Well turns out I was wrong. If you let a UTI go on for too long it can make the infection spread to higher places like your bladder or your kidneys. Fun fact: the infection can spread to other places like your lungs 🙃

Because I didn't think a uti was a big deal, I let it go on for 2 weeks, had the infection spread, spent the past 3 days in the ICU, and during my initial visit to the er I actually passed out and was unresponsive enough for them to call a code on me.

So yeah kids. If something seems minor and like you can take care of it at home, go to the doctor in case because it could be a major infection that will cause you hell 🙃🙃

This has been my public service announcement

~Admin Red

***EDIT

I was discharged this morning so I'm perfectly fine now! I just figured I should get that out there because no one ever told me that a UTI could result in things like that, so I figured I would try to help anyone else who gets them regularly like I do to realize the dangers of them. Part of my condition was an allergic reaction to some medicine I was taking as well so it was just two "minor" things that resulted in me almost... Well ya know. I didn't know how serious my situation was until I was discharged and my mom told me what happened the first night I was there because all I remember about that night was arriving in the hospital and passing out after about an hour. The rest is a blur, I don't even remember the pain of getting three IVs injected into my arms and one into my neck.

I am kind of grateful for this situation happening because it will help me improve as a writer for certain experiences because I went through it.

BONUS: I sassed the doctors the whole fucking time tho. I might have been dying but I do remember sassing the doctor when she said she had to put an IV in my neck, when I literally filled an entire vomit bag, and when I was getting transferred to ICU. I don't remember the pain of being stuck but I remember a nurse tilting my bed upside down and wiping my neck off. When I asked if she was putting an IV in and she said yes I go "oh yaaaaaaaaay." Even on death's door ya girl still jokes✌️

***EDIT 2

They found a 1-1.5 cm cyst on my left ovary while I was in the hospital and they asked me to get it checked up on. For those of you who don’t know, many young women get one during their “time of the month” due to the weird up and down hormones young women get. Anyway, because I was on my time atm when they first found it, they scheduled an ultrasound to see if it was still there when I wasn’t during that time. I still have it. I’ve been told it’s not something extremely serious to be worried about, but it could be the reason for my sudden weight gain last year. I kept a steady weight for most of my life, only losing 3 lbs when I tried to lose weight, and suddenly I gained 30 lbs within 6 months without majorly changing my diet or workout routine. Initially I thought it was from my hypothyroidism, but ovarian cysts can also cause that. I’ll try to keep y’all updated on my health because damn has it gone downhill over the past couple years.

***EDIT 3

I have had two different appointments with a gynecologist since then and the cyst is still on my ovary. They had a hard time finding the right one to check if there was one there, but we still know that it’s on my left. My first appointment, I got the ultrasound because apparently we need to test something 3 different times to see if it’s there even though it’s been there every time we’ve tested but was unable to talk to the doctor because some lady started having her baby. During the next appointment he said that it’s still there so I am now going to be on two birth controls, one for birth control purposes and one for fixing cyst purposes. I was told to call him if the pain from the cyst ever gets any worse. I’ve only been on medicine for almost two months, but I feel like I should call the doctor. I’ve gotten my period, including what started today AFTER IT ENDED LAST WEEK, 4 times since I started my medicine. It happens every other week for about 5 days and the pain on my left side is slowly getting worse every time.

On a bright note I haven’t had a single hint of a uti since I went into the hospital and actually take care of myself now.

[itwaslastnightwhenifellinlove]

My heart was full

Type: One shot | Imagine about James Rating: PG Word Count: 1,669 (on the shorter side) Enjoy! I always seemed to have an issue with my weight. Sometimes I would love myself and other times when I looked into the mirror I hated myself. I would do those fast work out programs and diets but nothing really worked. Lucky enough for me I had an amazing boyfriend who supported me. James loved me for who I was and wanted me to be happy no matter what. I was sitting on the bathroom floor looking into the mirror as I curled my hair. I heard James come up the stairs. He leaned against the bathroom door as he watched me curl my hair. "You are beautiful as is" he whispered. "Thank you, just wanted to do something different" I said. "No matter what you are beautiful to me" he said. "James" I said as I started to blush. "Its true" he smiled. I finally finshed my hair and got up from the bathroom floor. I got dressed even though we didn't have any plans for today, I just wanted to look cute. I went downstairs and sat at the kitchen table, turning my laptop on. James came downstairs and walked into the kitchen, he started to make breakfast. I was just messing around on my laptop just killing time. Before I knew it, he placed the plate down in front of me as well as sit him down on the table. He made sure everything was turned off before coming to sit next to me. We sat in silence as we both started to eat, of course it was delicious. We heard a knock at the door, he got up kissing my cheek before walking to the door. It was Brad standing there as James opened the door, James invited him in. He walked into the kitchen, sitting at the table, James had more than enough food. James offered Brad a plate and once again the conversation fell silent. "What are you guys doing today?" Brad asked. "Just hanging around the house, " James responded. "Yeah​ just relaxing with each other" I nodded slightly. "Oh cool, we are getting together later to watch a movie in my backyard, you guys can come too" Brad mentioned. "We will talk about it" James nodded. Soon Brad left our apartment, I knew James would want to go tonight. I never had trouble with any of the boys, but I did hear a few comments from time to time. Of course I was used to it, but I still didn't want to deal with it, I just hated how other people saw me. I agreed to go over to Brad's place tonight, just to do something different. I put on a sweatshirt, pulling my hair back in a high pony tail. Since it was outside I wanted to be warm, I slipped on my shoes before returning back downstairs. "Are you sure you want to go?" He asked. "Yeah, " I nodded. "What's wrong?" he grabbed my hand. "Its just ive heard them make small comments before" I sighed. "Comments on what?" he questioned. "My weight" I looked down. "Babe, you are beautiful the way you are, " he kissed my cheek. "I'll talk to them, " he tilted my chin up. "I don't want to cause any issues between you guys" I said. "But they aren't going to make my girlfriend feel bad about herself either" he said. We left our apartment when the sun started to set. We made it to Brad's house pretty quickly since he didn't live that far away from us. I started to get nervous as I knew James would say something. I hated conflict, but he was right, I shouldn't be made to feel bad about myself. I sat down on the patio as we waited for Tristan and Conner to arrive. "I have an issue with you guys, and we will have a conversation when they get here" James crossed his arms. "What's the issue?" Brad asked. "You will find out soon enough, " James said. "It sounds serious" Brad took his seat as the other boys came in. "Since everyone is here now! You all need to apologize to y/n for the comments you guys made about her weight" James said. "What are you talking about?" Tristan asked. "She over heard some comments that you guys made about her" James started to get angry. "Oh about her jean size, America sizes are so different. We didn't mean any harm" Conner said. "It's ok, I understand now, " I said as I walked towards them. "No harm, just trying to figure out the size difference, we are sorry" Brad said. "It's ok, " I nodded. "Thank you" James said as he wrapped his arm around me. Since James cleared the air things went back to normal. I didn't have to feel uncomfortable around them and I started to actually have fun hanging out with them. We stayed in Brad's back yard and watched the movie, of course he had something up his sleeve. Brad went into the house, bringing out a bucket of water balloons. He started throwing them at us and we returned the favor, it was full of water and laughter. James and I returned back to our apartment soaking wet. I was freezing, so I ran upstairs turning the shower on, stripping my wet clothes off of me. I got into the shower allowing the hot water to warm me up. James wasn't too far behind as he stripped at the door getting in the shower with me. He washed over my body and I returned the favor washing his body. I got out of the shower wrapping a towel around me before walking into the bedroom. I was dressed by the time James got out of the shower, he just pulled on his boxers. I laid back against the bed as I stared to relax, he sat down on the edge of the bed. Placing his hand onto my leg as I turned my attention onto him. He moved up my body leaning down slightly kissing my lips softly. "I love you" he said against my lips. "I love you" I smiled agaisnt his. He laid next to me placing his arm around me. I turned so I was on my back, playing with his hand. We both started to drift off to sleep and I stayed in his arms all night. I felt him get up in the morning but I didnt want to wake up. I turned back over snuggling into the covers as I fell back to sleep. I heard him come upstairs as I finally started to wake up. I sat up in the bed as he placed the tray on my lap, full of food. "Thank you baby" I said. "Always want to see that smile" he kissed me softly. We ate breakfast in bed, as soon as we finished he cleaned up. I got ready for the day since I had to go to work, he also had to go to work. We both left the apartment around the same time. We parted ways as our busy schedule started, I had many meetings to go to. I rarely stayed in my office that day, I was either in one meeting room or the other. I was glad to finally get home but James wasn't home yet, I texted him a few times but no response. I laid back on the couch putting my feet up on the table. I flipped through channels as I couldn't find anything to watch. He finally entered the house and I could tell something was going on. "Where have you been?" I asked. "Just put your shoes on and come with me" he reached for my hand. I didn't ask any questions and just grabbed his hand. I followed him over to Brad's house and through Brad's house. We finally made it to the back yard, it was decorated very nicely. It was an anniversary surprise that James had sit up for us, it was 6 years together. I smiled at him, pulling him close to me as I hugged him. I couldn't believe he actually remembered, most of the time we never celebrated our anniversary. He pulled out the chair for me as I took my seat he sat down across from me. Grabbing my hand over the table as we looked into each others eyes. Brad came out in a waiter's outfit and gave us our first dish. "This is amazing" I smiled. "Happy anniversary, baby" James said. The night went on perfectly, there were three courses. Brad finally brought out dessert, my favorite of course, but something caught my eye. I pulled out a ring from the whip cream and looked at James. He smiled as I found the ring, getting up from his seat. He moved in front of me getting down on one knee, taking the ring from me. "Somehow when I wasn't looking for love, you came into my life and opened my heart. You also stole it as well, I loved you the first day I meet you and I'm still madly in love with you" he held out the ring. "Will you marry me?" he asked. I nodded my head yes as he slipped the ring on me. He stood up helping me up from my chair, hugging me close to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck as I kept him close to me. Every since I have met James my world has been turned upside down. I never believed in love before I meet him, he also opened my heart up to love. He was my best friend, lover and my protector, everything I could ever want in a husband. I couldn't believe that I was going to actually marry the one who stole my heart for the very first time. My heart was full of love and I couldn't be any happier then what I was.

[perfectionistincrisis]

Longest post ever. Keep Scrolling! Look away!

About my brother leaving. Now there are two sides to it. One is how he is so young & he will move so far away & has to take care of everything. He has to study first of all, which is the main thing. And this in itself is a whole new experience. Starting university & facing all the pressure & tight schedule & deadlines that come with it. And to top that all, he will move to a new country. An entirely new place he has never been to & one which is very very very different from the country where he was born & raised & literally spent entire 18 years of his life in. Now whether this is the lifestyle & culture & religion we are talking about, or just the weather. You name it, & it's something different he has to face. Let's go back to studies. The ‘studies’ part, is totally acceptable! I mean it's his responsibility. No one will or is expected to do it or help him with it. This is totally on him. He has to figure it out himself. If he needs help, he needs to look for it. If he has a problem he needs to find a way out, or deal with it. The idea of having an elder sibling or family to help you with your studies, i believe, is totally absurd when someone is moving to university. At school, it might be ok but when someone is starting uni, cmon, I think it's time to stop already. Let them grow up on their own. You can't be wiping their ass for them their entire life. Not to mention, everyone has their own share of responsibilities, their own affairs to handle. Everyone of us are struggling everyday, to build our futures. And NO. This is not selfish. This is our responsibility towards ourselves. We owe this to ourselves, and no, you are not in any way, supposed to expect anyone to actually help you deal with your responsibilities in life. So with you share of duties, is it really selfish to focus on your affairs & prioritize them? & also what good will you be really doing by helping someone? How much of someone else's responsibilities can you own? There will come a point where you’ll have to leave them on their own except that now you've already spoiled them and they'll be more lost than ever. So yeah, plus i'm not even studying engineering so anyways i couldn't do much or anything at all but even if i could have, i really never liked the whole concept of doing it in ‘uni’. I have such a strong opinion about it seeing my cousins and other people. Meaning, it's not just me randomly thinking about it and commenting but i rather did always have such an opinion about this matter. So yeah that's the only ‘okay’ thing! From now, things are changing. Now, let's talk about the end of everyday! When he comes ‘home’/ dorm room. He doesn't come home to anyone. Whether it is your siblings being lame and stupid, or your parents being in a fight, or some really good day where everyone's happy and laughing - you're not getting any of it. Is anyone bringing you food? Cooking for you exactly what you eat? No. When are you going to bed? No one cares other than you. Who’s making sure you wake up and don't miss class in the morning? Who’s making you breakfast? Filling your water flask? You buy your food if you have time before class. Such a good day, just 3 classes and you're home by 11. Who do you go home to? Yourself. Weekends? .. Nvm But we are only trying to provide the best future for him. And i can NOT disagree to this at all. Not even for a second. Since almost a year, my dad & my mom has thought of everything & every tiny thing that we will need for him. Whether it is the fact that winter clothes are sold in shops during winter and winter in ksa was 6 months ago, so keeping that in mind and shopping for him things which is just too hard to get in the shops right now cause it's totally summer rn over here! Or whether it is something more serious like meeting all the different formalities to apply for a visa. And shopping for him all these months. Making lists of everything he might need. Things like plate, glass, things like rugs, things like brush, toothpaste, things like pillows, bed sheet, things like laundry basket, warm gloves, things like rain coat. Like you name it, and it somehow is something he actually needs. Also, we are so concerned about providing him the best. I think all my life, a part of shopping included looking at the price tag and seeing if its a good bargain. But now, suddenly thats not done anymore. Anything he touches (which is very little btw) & anything we choose for him (which is like every single thing we see), its just getting the best for him. Its like theres this thing in our heads. Like this is it. My brother hardly gets anything for himself. He is kind of different. So we are just getting him all these stuff because once he goes there, he might not get it for himself. And even if he does, us getting something for him now will be the last time we are doing so. Cause from now on he'll do his stuff himself. So like i was saying. We are only trying to provide the best future for him. And i can NOT disagree to this at all. Not even for a second. And this is a stage that comes in everyone's life & we can not and should not run from it. This is the right thing to do in my brother’s case. Everything till now has gone so smoothly Alhamdulillah. But it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Especially when i think of my mom. I get the whole idea of how it's the hardest on the moms. In fact i have even witnessed many moms crying & breaking when their kids had to leave and all. But. This is different. I am talking about ‘my mom’. I respect all mother’s love, i do. But about my mom; unless you live under the same roof as her, you will find it impossible to believe how much of her heart & soul & energy she invests on our family. For which, I will be forever grateful & will consider myself blessed. I will never be able to start and finish talking about her but let me mention some interesting stuff! Let's start with me! So im 21. And i don't do my laundry (none of it at all), i don't vacuum (the house or even just my room), I don't iron my clothes (never did), I don't clean the dishes (not even my own plate or glass or water flask), I don't clean my room (the furnitures & stuff) & interestingly, i don't even know how to make tea or coffee (unless it's those sachets you get, but i just use them at uni). TADA - Mom does all of that for me. I don't remember the last time i did ‘any’ of the things i mentioned. I can't say i never did any of them though, but it was only for one of the 2 reasons: 1. I was younger and mom got angry with me maybe & she’d punish me by making me do it OR 2. I voluntarily offered maybe cause it was vacation and i wasn't lazy & stuff (btw this vacation, i'm totally lazy, i never offered or did anything) So like i said, i don't remember the last time i did any of it. Infact, to TOP ALL THAT, mom makes sure of all my ‘excess’ needs too. She pays so much importance to them. Like, my diet. Diet - meaning the food i eat. Now regardless of whether im trying to lose weight or not, i totally dont like asian food, more specifically, all the daily food cooked in a bengali household. I dont like ‘curries’. I prefer ‘dry’ food. It doesnt matter what it is. Chicken, beef or veggie. If its a ‘curry’, im not putting it in my mouth. Curry meaning the whole making it liquidy with all masala & stuff. And i ‘especially’ hate chicken curry. I also dont honestly remember the last time i ate it. And i am NOT exaggerating but i stopped eating it like way back in grade 11 or 12. By chicken curry, i mean the MOST REGULAR meal in almost every bengali household, more like an EVERYDAY meal especially for the kids. And it works for my bros too lol. But no way on hell im eating it. The reason is, this is one food ive been eating since i learned to ear and then after around a pretty 13 to 14 years of eating chicken curry i had to say NO one fine day xD xD Ok now i have 2 phases: one is the normal daily phase where unis going on and i'm stressed and all i eat is junk food, or maybe something not junk but has to be all delicious or maybe sometimes i'll consider eating healthy and want some classy salad and stuff. Mom always has to prepare a different meal or me. Then she has to prepare something else for her and dad too cause chicken is kids stuff and also mom does not eat chicken at all if she is the one who cooked it so yeah. And then there's chicken for my bros xD On top of that, when im in the other phase where im trying to lose weight - Oh god. The whole menu of food changes. All green veggies and salads and stuff. All grilled chicken, grilled fish, grilled beef. She does all of that. Also. she THEN ‘decorates’ my food cause she knows i love taking pictures of my food. She decorates my food. She makes sure I like the plate on which she is serving the food; whether the plate will look good in the picture. She makes sure I get to take a perfect picture. If she gets confused about how to decorate something, she'll tell me to do it and ask me what i need. I mean man, who does that to a 21 year old???? I know i am spoiled! Now ^ i got carried away! All that is a small gesture of what my mom does for ‘me’. And i'm like her eldest kid. Like she actually thinks i can take care of myself ‘more than my brothers can’ Yeah do you see where i'm going with this? You can not imagine HOW much more she does for my bros, like ‘woahhhh’👌 I’ll just give one example for each bro. My elder bro - he never actually had to open his closet and decide on which dress to wear till now in his life!!!!! Yesss!!!!! Mom even takes out his clothes. Clothes. Every garment :):):) and keeps it ready for him to wear every time he showers, or changes, or goes outside :) and that's the one who’s already 18 and moving soon! And my younger bro - well he is kinda different. Like he is all concerned about his looks and he demands on choosing his own clothes from his closet and wearing them xD xD but then mom still feeds him lunch and dinner most of the day and he is almost 14 :):):) So yes. Idk how my mom is going to handle it. But what i know is that she is such a brave and strong and intelligent and amazing woman mashAllah. She is so hard-working & she puts aside all her sickness and pain & prioritises our needs, and our wants, even if theyre really stupid. And she means the world to me. And she is my number 1 person. And I can give up anything for her. Words cannot express how much she means to me. I once had to stay a night away from her during the 1st week of my uni in 1st year of med school. That was the night I actually realized how important she was to me. I was away from her and due to some circumstance I couldn't communicate with her. That whole night, i lied in bed crying & asking Allah to let me meet my mom in my dreams as I fall asleep now… Idk if I ever told that to anyone before, but yeah here it is. Ahhhh. God!!!!! Such a huge post wth man )@+%;’!(%)#!%(£))@!%!%) but Ughhhh I just needed to get it all out of my system! Hmphhh