#also its worth mentioning that the sunflower lanyard functions a little more like a medical ID than like a pride flag

[salt-baby]

Hello! I am a person with an invisible disability, and I also have trouble socializing because I’m autistic. I sometimes worry that my interactions with other disabled people will come across like I have a weird attitude toward disability just because I’m incredibly fucking awkward and seem like I have a weird attitude about everything. I would like to have some friends who are also disabled in real life- I feel very lonely and isolated right now, struggling to manage my disability and slipping under the radar, and I just wish I had some people to commiserate with. But I worry that if I try to seek out conversations with disabled people they might take it the wrong way or not believe me, i.e. think I’m just some weirdo trying to identify with them baselessly and invade their personal lives. I just wondered if you had any advice. I have gotten the message loud and clear that I’ll never fully be welcome in my social circles of able-bodied people, but I’m scared to try and forge relationships with other disabled people. Thanks for any advice!

Good news - I'm also autistic! I haven't talked about it on my blog before, because to me, my autism doesn't feel disabling and I like my blog to have a narrow focus, but I definitely do relate to wanting to reach out to people and feeling too awkward to manage it.

Regarding other disabled people doubting you because you have an invisible disability, or because you might talk about it in a different way than other people, I wouldn't be too worried. In my opinion, disability is an indelible trait - that is to say, it's something that changes you as a person and always leaves its marks on someone. When reading, I can usually tell when an author is disabled. The shared experiences we've all had make it easy to recognize each other, even if medical gear or signs of illness aren't explicitly visible.

Even if the way we communicate isn't the same as others, that doesn't mean that the truth that you are disabled won't come out. It'll be in the way you talk about disability (likely radically more accepting than most people would be), the way you treat others with a disability, and the way you talk about yourself. There are some things that only disabled people ever seem to understand, because some things you just have to live to get.

I won't lie and tell you that all disabled people will recognize you as one of their own - some disabled people, insecure in their own disability, will try to claim you're "not disabled enough" to make themselves feel better. I can tell you that I believe you, that your disability is an objective fact, and that these are people you wouldn't want around anyway. Every disabled person is already "disabled enough", and I think doubting our fellow disabled people always does more harm than good.

As for seeking out disabled people, I think it can be difficult to navigate. It's a lot easier for people over thirty to find other disabled people than it is for people younger than that. You might try looking for local disability organizations, support groups, or local Facebook groups, but often the people who attend these events are older, and these sorts of groups can be hard to find outside of big cities. There is also a symbol of invisible disabilities: the sunflower lanyard, which you might find helpful. I personally like to wear sunflower motifs, to represent my POTS, but nobody has ever commented on them.

Still, 1 in 4 people in the US are disabled - we're the world's largest minority. By happy accident, I've found that being open about my own disability has helped other disabled people find me. If I talk openly and casually about my knee braces, other people who wear braces will start to mention theirs to me. I think this makes it easier for others to talk about it - disability is still a taboo topic, and sometimes other's aren't brave enough to discuss it openly. When I mention it first, casually, and often, it not only normalizes it but makes it easier for others to join me.

As a little autism pro-tip, I think we tend to have a bit of a surprise tool when it comes to social interactions: our sincerity. I personally find it very easy to be blunt and sincere, and others very much so appreciate being told they're valued. If you meet someone with a disability, and they talk about it with you, thanking them genuinely for it can be a great tool. "thank you so much for talking about that with me, I'm so relieved to find another disabled person" or "that was genuinely such a helpful tip, thank you so much for sharing that with me" or "you're a really cool person, I'd love to talk with you again!" can all be really great ways to make sure our autism isn't read as disinterest. You and I may not show our emotions like others do - sometimes neurotypicals need it spelled out, and if they don't, saying something sincere like that can never hurt. Just make sure you're telling the truth and that it's from the heart. It took me years to realize others thought I was checked out and standoffish when really I was listening closely and excited to be there, and this is the solution that's worked best for me.

I wish you all the best. You seem like a very lovely person, and I think if we knew each other in real life, we'd be friends.

As always, if you want, you're welcome to send me another ask or dm me. I'm always happy to talk about disability.