#also it's like 2:40am RIP me

[phyrestartr]

Till Death Do Us Part (Miguel x Reader)

Miguel x Husband!Reader W/C: 9.5k

#NSFW, exhibitionist kink, praise kink, hurt/comfort, infidelity, toxic relationships, brief verbal abuse, mending relationships, mentions of medication, mentions of mental illness, difficult/complex feelings and emotions, things work out in the end, nobody dies, the zombies aren't that important, old men just really going through it

Note: I cried a lot writing this lol please also cry and enjoy! (I also tried my best with the Spanish and tried to reference good sources, but I apologize if it sounds whack lol I only know EN and JP o(--( )

-- Till Death Do Us Part --

"(Name), where the fuck are you?" Miguel ran his hand through his hair as he watched the news, as he stared outside at the cascade of chaos. He waited for you to pick up the phone. He'd already called so many times, but you weren't picking up. Why weren't you fucking picking up? 

"Miguel, he's probably fine," Dana cooed as her arms looped around him from behind. "You need to worry about what we're gonna do." 

Miguel shook his head and shoved Dana's arms off of him. "Our daughter–Gabriella–" 

"You mean our daughter?" Her tone was vile. So, so fucking vile.

"Shut up," Miguel barked before ripping the phone from his ear when your voicemail picked up again. He shot you another text, asking where you were before his fidgety fingers scrolled the log up and down, cruelly reminding himself of the messages he'd ignored from you just a few days ago. 

November 18th 7:04am babe come home 7:04am please 12:19pm we can talk about it  12:20pm we'll figure it out 12:46pm gabi misses you 9:34pm call me tomorrow

November 19th 7:35am you still ignoring me? 7:40am gabi wants to call you 7:41am you gonna answer if it's her? 8:05am i'll tell her you're busy with work 9:50pm i miss you

November 21st  9:56pm call me

November 23rd 12:01am i shot someone  12:01am i had to 12:01am but i can't stop thinking about it  12:32am i need you  1:12am please 2:07am miguel

November 30th 7:16am miggs shit's crazy outside 7:17am lock the doors, don't let anyone inside 7:17am maybe stock up on food first idk this might take a while  7:18am but DON'T help anyone who's bit or injured 7:19am they evacuated gabi's school but i don't fucking know where they're going 7:19am i'm gonna find her, i promise 7:20am i love you. stay safe.

December 2nd  3:05am i love you 3:06am i'm sorry

Miguel rubbed his eyes. He sped past his own wall of text starting from that day, December 3rd, and sent another plea, another wish that you'd respond back sooner than a week from now.

"Oh my God, just give it up–" 

"Dana, shut the fuck up, just shut up." 

He called you again. 

And this time, you answered. 

Miguel's heart jumped. "(Name)?" 

"Babe?" You sounded like you were panting, like you were straining against something. "Are–are you okay? Where are you?" A string of coughs punched out of your lungs in rough staccato, pinching Miguel's nerves with every ghastly beat. He was scared. He was so fucking scared. 

"I--I'm," Miguel stammered, still unable to have that conversation, still too much of a coward in the end. "Does it matter?" 

"Just keep the doors locked," you continued. "Keep 'em locked, and…and I dunno if you're in a tower or a house or fucking whatever, but don't leave until things get quiet." You picked yourself up from the ground, Miguel could tell by the scratch of gravel echoing wherever you were. "Don't get bit. Don't help anyone who is bit. Put yourselves first." 

"But, I–you–do you have Gabi?" Panic gripped his throat as jets flew overhead, high above the city. The engines roared a gruesome apology, a sound Ouranos himself must have made when his own children slew him, so filled with godly enmity. 

Then, molten death rained on the city. Miguel stared at roaring explosions dotting the cityscape, watching pillars of flame feed into the world's chaos. His hands trembled when the same carnage screeched through your phone. 

"I'll find her. I-I promise, Miguel, I'll find her and--and I'll–shit."  

There was gunfire. Gunfire encased in wild snarling. It devoured the crack of plastic hitting concrete, the noises you gasped out, the–

Silence.

Miguel hated his mind. He hated how it remembered that one moment so clearly, like it'd happened just a minute before the present. Sometimes, when he felt like torturing himself more, he wondered what your face looked like in those last moments. He wondered where your life flickered out. He wondered when he'd see you stumbling through the streets and have to put a bullet in your head. 

But he'd force good memories to the surface when he found the light growing too dim; that confession and first kiss, starry nights spent lazing on the hood of your jeep, the look on your face when you finally held little Gabriella for the first time–it all chased away the darkness. It all made him feel whole again, it let him see clearly again. But with clarity came the difficulty of accepting what he'd lost.

He found a way to do it. He found a way to talk about you, too. It was hard not to–your old colleagues, other officers of the lost world, were an integral part of the Alchemax colony. Jeff Morales and George Stacy, amongst a few others, had known you, and by proxy they knew Miguel.

"He was a good guy," Jeff had mentioned when the moment felt right. "Bragged about having the best-looking and smartest partner around. Now, I ain't gonna say he was right, but he wasn't wrong." That brought warmth to Miguel's chest, but guilt smothered it too quickly. 

"Never stopped talking about your daughter either." George smiled when he recalled it, but it was something small and morose. "Gabriella, right? Yeah, he said she was a smart cookie. Kind of a brat, apparently, but hey, with that guy as her father? Hah! I'm not surprised." 

Miguel liked having them around. He liked the happy memories they brought to your name.

But on bad days, vulnerable days, Miguel wanted to break their necks and watch them turn so he could kill them again in their undeath; they still had their children, their families. How could they bring up what he'd lost while they still had everything? 

Today was one of those days, too, one where your memory hurt just a little more than usual. Maybe it came with the snow whirling in the blue-drenched outdoors, or the sudden darkness the world lost itself in. But he knew the frostbite decaying his heart came from the eternal proof of your lost existence:

December 2nd  3:05am i love you 3:06am i'm sorry

Why did you apologize? Miguel sighed, and carded a hand through his hair as he paced Alchemax's halls. Enough of that, Miguel. You need to focus. Focus. 

And once he stepped foot in the control room, the routine morning check commenced: doors remained sealed with no record of tampering, security cameras still functioned, the solar panels still collected more than enough light to keep things rolling. Good. Perfect. 

"Hey, hey, how's it lookin'?" Peter asked, a cup of coffee in one hand and his little girl tucked in the other arm. It would've been a wholesome sight, if Peter hadn't ruined it with a too-loud slurp from his mug. Ugh. 

"Fine," Miguel grumbled. "Everything's in the green. Nothing to worry about." He ran a hand over his face with a sigh. "Just have to clear the snow off the solar panels later today." 

"Oooh, snow! It is that time of the year, huh? December already! Who woulda thought. Time goes by pretty quick when you're not worried about getting eaten all the time." Peter looked at his little May and cooed. "Isn't that right, Mayday?" 

Miguel rolled his eyes fondly and shook his head. "If you're that excited about snow, I'll put you on shovelling duty, Parker." 

"Oh, wow, I'm suddenly deaf and can't hear you." Peter shuffled away in his stupid slippers and stupid bathrobe. "Oh, right, right, MJ made bread! Can you believe it? I feel like I haven't had a bread-carb in forever! We really gotta do another supply run or we're eating canned beans all winter long. Y'know what? I'll put it on the 'to-do' list!" 

Miguel threw a glare at Peter over his shoulder. He was annoying, but he wasn't wrong. They did need more food, more supplies, more ways to sustain themselves. Scavenging the dregs of supermarkets and convenience stores wasn't cutting it anymore; there were too many mouths to feed, and shitty, packaged foods wouldn't suffice much longer.

Miguel braced his hands on the centre console after pulling up a satellite map of the surrounding area. The lab they called home laid nestled away from prying eyes of citizens, making it a safer place to start to rebuild the semblance of a normal life. Though, at the same time, it made it more difficult to get in and out of the city in good time. They had to pick their destination on the map, calculate the time it'd take to get there, and then execute the plan with little to no hiccups. It was hard. It was a pain in the ass. But it had to be done.

Miguel took his time scanning through the map, trying to spot any buildings they hadn't already marked off as empty and not worth the trip. These days, they had to get creative, they had to think of places that'd have food where people wouldn't expect, where the average scavenger wouldn't think to look and–

"Shit," Miguel breathed before rushing to move the map. "How could I forget?"

He spotted a small building on the map, one they'd never ventured to, one they never thought to go to. A chain link fence surrounded the perimeter, giving about five metres worth of breathing room around the building. Clusters of huge garden pots dotted the area randomly, along with whatever outdoor trees and shrubs that'd survived all these years on their own.

Miguel covered his mouth as he smiled.

"You might've just saved us, viejo." 

Because you were a country boy. A farmer's son. 

You convinced (begged) him to pull over, to go to the new garden store that'd appeared not too long ago. Miguel, far too smitten with you, couldn't find the heart to say 'no' to the excitement buzzing in your voice. 

The store was filled with beautiful plants, ranging from common houseplants, to tropical rarities that Miguel never knew existed. All sorts of bushy plants, tall single-leafers, and vining beauties lined the displays and bathed in the gentle, constant mist raining down on them. It really felt like a tropical jungle landed in New York. 

You'd sauntered over to the seed section while Miguel wandered through all the store had to offer before finding you again. You had several sachets in your hands and scanned the shelves for anything else that piqued your interest; they were all vegetable seeds, stuff like corn and green beans, tomatoes and onions, but the occasional herb showed itself as well. 

To Miguel, raising vegetables seemed like a cute hobby. But to you, raising crops meant revisiting your childhood. 

"You wanna get some?" Miguel asked. He looped his arms around your waist from behind, resting his chin on your shoulder as he read all the different seed names on display. 

"Yeah. I mean…maybe. Dunno if a vegetable garden'll go with the house." You laughed softly, a little self-deprecatingly, before you reached to put the packets back. "I just–I don't know." 

"I think it'll work." A smile warmed Miguel's face as pressed a soft kiss to your shoulder. "We can make a greenhouse. A big one. In the backyard." He kissed your neck next. "You can show me the farmboy fantasy." 

You laughed, turned in his arms, and kissed him. "Done."

Miguel crept up to the garden centre with Hobie and Gwen in tow. Travelling anywhere from the safe confines of Alchemax was something of a nightmare, but Miguel was used to it–despite being the man who knew how to run the building, he too often volunteered to head out on supply runs himself. He needed the space to think, to feel the darkness they’d found themselves in, and to feel the light of the sun on his skin to remind himself it wasn’t over. Because it was far from over. 

The garden centre was surrounded by chain link fences encircling the entirety of the building, the very same ones Miguel had seen from the satellite’s view. Honestly, he found himself surprised to see just how good the place looked–the windows were mostly intact, the fences hadn’t been torn through, the doors were still sealed, and a row of crippled undead and frozen re-deads dotted the perimeter, but none were inside. It didn’t seem like any had ever been inside, actually.

“That’s…kinda weird, right?” Gwen murmured as she adjusted her toque. “This place feels like…like it never went under, or something.” 

“Damn near stuck in the past, I’d say,” Hobie agreed. He looked to Miguel. “Fishy’s an understatement, yeah? Might be some not-so-dead-yets in there.” 

Miguel took a deep breath as he thought. “It’s a plant store. Not the highest priority for scavengers like us.” He headed forward, grip tight on his hunting knife. “Try not to shoot. Not unless there’s a runner.” 

“Better not be any runners,” Gwen grumbled. “It’s December. Hopefully they’re all freezing to double-death right now.” 

Hobie scoffed a smile. “If not, we just give ‘em an early Christmas present, hey?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure they’d love their brains blown out.” 

“Eh. I would.” 

Miguel rolled his eyes as the youngins bickered softly behind him. There was no point stopping them–trying to dad them out in the wilds of New York just gave Miguel a bigger headache, and too often ended in a louder match of bickering and scolding, which then often resulted in the undead stumbling their way. It was always a mess. Maybe he should stop bringing the dynamic duo with him. 

But you’d known them. You were fond of them, too, always letting them off the hook with a slap on the wrist when they were caught vandalizing buildings or stealing from stores when they were teenagers. You laughed when you told Miguel stories about them, about how Hobie’d call you “officer tall, sunny and handsome” to get on your good side (which worked), and how Gwen would try to bribe you with car-washings and babysitting to get you to not tell her dad what happened. You knew they were good kids, just bored and too smart for their own good. Miguel knew that, too; the two of you were thick as thieves back in the day, total petty-crime masterminds. Maybe Hobie and Gwen were your dark apprentices, in a way. 

Miguel smiled faintly. He missed the days where you both broke into abandoned buildings, haunted houses and everything else inbetween to fool around and fuck. It’d always be filmed, much to Miguel’s embarrassment, but watching the videos back always made him feel…wanted. Appreciated. Like a rare piece of art. 

You’d always cheese it up and make it sound like some sort of bad porno or found-footage film, like you didn't just break into Chuck E. Cheese to fuck in front of the creepy animatronics. Breaking the law got you excited, as ironic as that was for a future cop. Miguel thought you were a freak. Miguel was kind of a freak too, though. 

“Fucking God,” Miguel moaned, somehow louder than the squeak of the table hosting your feverish coupling. His hips bucked and rolled against yours in a desperate attempt to keep up with your brutal, delicious pace, and his thighs dug into your sides with his hands clutching to your shoulders for dear life. 

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum,” you mumbled into his ear. Miguel’s body gave a sharp, involuntary jolt, kickstarting the sudden crescendo of his well-earned euphoria. He let his voice be heard as he arched off that shitty table and up against your solid frame, his hips still rutting and moving in sync with your own. You groaned too, letting yourself be just as loud in the midst of him tightening around your heavy, thick cock pummeling into him. 

“God, lookit that pretty face,” you growled when you pulled back to see how fucked out he was. “You feel good, huh? ‘M I makin’ you cum hard?” Your hand slapped the side of his ass, and Miguel whimpered sharply. “You’re so good, baby, so fucking good. I’ll make you cum again, yeah? Make you cum while you–while you take everything I got.” 

You were terrible. Horrible. A monster in the sack, and apparently in front of powered-down robots. You did what you promised, and ripped another orgasm from his exhausted, over-stimulated body before reaching your own blissful undoing with a rude grin on your stupid, annoying face. 

It made for good content, though.

They reached the front gate without problem, only to find it locked with hefty chains and thick padlocks. If there were people in there, then breaking through the first line of defence wasn’t their favoured option–they didn’t like other survivors, no, and they didn’t work with them without good reason, but they weren’t in the business of sabotaging them, either. 

“Hobie,” Miguel beckoned, muffling the chains’ clanking while holding up one of the locks. 

The young man smirked and flicked his old lock picking set from his pocket. “Don’t mind if I do, coz.” 

He unlocked everything in record time. Miguel thought of you for a moment, and wondered if you’d taught the young man a few nefarious tricks since you, too, were an expert sneak. But Miguel pushed the thought aside as they all carefully, slowly, painstakingly unwrapped the linked metal from the fence, and pushed it open with just as much care to keep the noise to a minimum. It’d be a shame to ring the dinner bell in such an untouched place. 

They relocked one of the padlocks for peace of mind before wandering towards the front entrance. The doors’ windows were boarded neatly and meticulously, Miguel noticed first. He crouched down and noted something blocking the small gap between the ground and the door, but the faintest reach of light still reached through the few cracks that remained. 

“Lights’re on. Front’s boarded,” he sighed before backing up. “Might be a different way inside. Looks like there might be people in–” 

“Miguel!” Gwen whispered. He looked her way, and saw her point to a decrepit shed nestled up against the side of the building, right underneath a large window. Shoved against it laid a single, heavy pot flipped on its end, serving as a sort of stool to get up on. But the lack of snow on the newfound path gave Miguel pause.

“I’ll check it out,” Gwen said before nimbly scampering up the side of the shed. 

Miguel frowned. “Gwen–”

“Relax, I’m just gonna look.” But Miguel did not relax, especially not when she rose on her tiptoes on that shitty, rickety shed roof and peered through the window before her eyes grew wide with a soft woah. 

“Whatcha got, Gwendy?” Hobie asked, approaching the shed himself. 

“You two–” Miguel warned. He looked around cautiously, his body aching with primal instinct–they weren’t alone. There had to be someone else here. Gwen and Hobie had to realize that. They were smarter than this. They wouldn’t do anything stupid. They wouldn’t be hypnotized by whatever was in there and throw caution to the wind to get it. Right? Right. 

…Right?

Excited, Gwen smiled and glanced at the two before looking back at whatever she saw. “There’re–there’s…trees? And bushes with veggies and–and wow, you were right, Miguel.” 

“Well, I say we hop in there and snag a few to bring back, yeah?” Hobie suggested. “Reckon they grew on their own?”

“No,” Miguel scolded. “They didn’t. Come down, right now. We need more people for this.” 

“I’m juuust gonna...” Gwen reached for the window, and Miguel’s anxiety peaked.

“Gwen.” 

“Just a little–” The window groaned as it popped open. 

They froze. They died as statues for a single, long moment, rejecting the need to breathe, letting their eyes freeze solid in winter’s mercy while their ears pricked, searching like the alert deer suspecting death stalking nearby after a misstep on a brittle branch. 

One minute passed. 

Then two minutes. 

Three minutes.

But the birds kept chirping, the world kept spinning, and Ares didn’t come to collect their battle-worn souls.

Gwen looked at her group with a nervous smile, a guilty thing that said, “oops?” 

Miguel was furious. But now was not the time to argue or yell. He could let her father handle that back at Alchemax.

But someone grabbed her, and yanked her inside.

Hobie didn’t hesitate. He jumped up to where Gwen once stood and took the plunge after her, scrambling up into the window, but that same someone shoved him, sending him plummeting down to the frigid concrete. Miguel rushed to his side when he hit the pavement with a choked-back groan. 

“Shit, shit, shit.” Miguel rolled him on his back. “Hobie, you fucking idiot.” Miguel’s panic ebbed just the slightest bit when he saw the punk blinking away stars instead of losing consciousness. 

Click. 

Electricity burst through him. Miguel ripped his revolver free of its holster and returned aim up at the shadow in the window. The tired winter sun illuminated a barrel of black metal, and the small, tawny hand holding it steady. A child. A kid. He was pointing a gun at a kid.

“We don’t want any problems, kid,” Miguel called up. He tried to relax, but he couldn’t; children who grew up in this world were ruthless. They were cruel, unrelenting, and unapologetic towards  their targets. He couldn’t blame them. It was all they’d known, all they’d been taught. But they were only as cruel as their teachers made them. Some of them still held on to shreds of humanity. 

And judging by that unwavering hand, Miguel feared their adversary was at least a confident shot if not a full-blooded monster.

“Yeah, c’mon,” Hobie groaned. “We just–we just want some seeds ‘n shit, ‘at’s all.” 

The small hand faltered a bit. Seems she still possessed sympathy. But a voice, deep and thread-bare, called to her. She looked over her shoulder for a second, before pulling the window closed and locking the latch behind her. 

Panic lanced through Miguel as anger possessed Hobie. “I’m gonna snap that kid in half–” but the creaky hinges of the front door opening cut him off. Miguel aimed toward it, and Hobie did the same once he got himself together, but then–then Gwen peeked out. 

“Guys!” Her hand fluttered and ushered them to come. “You’re not gonna believe this! It’s–” 

“Daddy?” A young, gentle voice asked, and Miguel’s gaze snapped to her. To her. To the little girl peeking out from around Gwen. To his baby, to his tiny world, long lost but never forgotten. To–

“Gabriella,” Miguel breathed. 

“Ho-ly shit,” Hobie commented.

Gabi’s eyes flooded with emotion. She sprinted to him, nearly slipping and tripping in the snow before jumping into his arms and holding on tight. She was so much older now, so much bigger; her tiny face used to bury into his stomach, but now she had her head tucked up against his chest, staining his jacket with heavy tears. 

“It’s okay, mija, it’s okay. I’m here, Daddy’s got you.” Miguel kissed the top of her head. He fought back tears of his own, but did so so pitifully with broken, bewildered laughs and shaking breaths. He pulled back and looked down at her face, her beautiful, beautiful face, and carefully wiped away the wet trails freezing on her cheeks. “I–you–L-Look at you. How’d you get so big?” 

Gabi smiled and sniffled as she wiped her eyes. “I-I, um, finally ate my veggies.” She took a breath to try and still the quiver in her lungs between thoughts. “Y-You have so much grey in your hair now!”

A few beats of warm laughter left Miguel. “Yeah, no thanks to you. Spent all this time worrying about you, kid.” His hand, so used to killing and defending, trembled as he brushed flyaways out of her face. "Listen, I–I'm gonna take you somewhere safe, okay? You won't be alone anymore." 

Gabriella blinked. Her small hands clutched his jacket. "What? But–"

"She's not alone." 

Miguel almost didn’t look. He didn’t really believe what he just heard. But when he risked it, when he managed to wrench his gaze away from his daughter and back to the heavenly light of the front entrance, he saw you. The man who'd been haunting him for years. The man who'd been keeping him warm at night. You, his lover. You, his husband. 

(You, the man he betrayed.)

"She hasn't been alone," you said, the words punctuated by hazy clouds of warmth–proof you were alive, that you weren't an illusion, not this time. "I promise." 

You looked so, so tired.

But Gwen was grinning, and even Hobie smiled with a lack of irony as he walked to you and gave you a hug. 

"My man! Officer tall, sunny and handsome in the flesh!" He clapped his hand hard against your back but you hardly wavered. You offered a smile, and hugged him back, short and sweet. 

"Hey, Hobie. Behaving?" 

"Eh. Sometimes." 

"Good enough for me." You let him go and scanned over all the survivors, your eyes not lingering on anyone for too long. "Head inside. It's warm, there's food. We'll talk. Gabs?" 

"Okay!" She hurried to corral everyone inside. "In, in, in, we gotta lock up for the night." Her gaze turned to Miguel as he hesitated, still watching you with glazed eyes. "Daddy, are you–?" 

"I'll be there in a second, mija." And, thankfully, his baby girl read the room better than he could have at that age, and let you two be. 

You looked over your shoulder, so like a predator making sure his cubs were inside and safe before prowling through the night. A man enchanted, Miguel followed you, watching you re-lock the gates they'd slipped through, and lagging behind while you checked the perimeter with thorough hands. Miguel would give anything to have those hands on him right now. 

He didn’t know where to start. "(Name), I–" 

"You said you could take her somewhere safe, right?" You asked before you turned that timid, unsure gaze back to him. "You meant that?" 

The words took too long to register. "I–yeah, I meant it. I mean it." Miguel forged courage out of trepidation and used it to fuel his journey to you. "We have a colony. The old Alchemax building, you remember?" 

"The one that was supposed to get torn down?" You wondered. 

Miguel nodded. "Yeah, that one." 

You kept walking. "Didn't we fuck in your office there?" 

A smile threatened Miguel as he followed like a lost puppy. "We did." 

"Ah. Always liked that building. Liked that desk, too." You shrugged. "Comfy, all things considered." 

Miguel hooked his finger into your belt loop and pulled you closer to him. "Then you'll be happy to hear it hasn't changed." 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah." 

You almost laughed, Miguel heard it. But you pulled away from him, and wordlessly finished up the perimeter sweep. 

"You should stay the night," you mumbled on the way back. "Pretty sure it's gonna snow." 

"Might make it harder to get back tomorrow," Miguel said, following you inside and watching you bar the door again. "We came here by foot." 

"No truck?" 

"None." 

"I'll take you back, then. I got a truck." 

"You make it sound like you're not coming." Anxiety gripped Miguel. "I'm not losing you again." He held onto your arm tightly.

You looked troubled, glancing between the hand on your arm and Miguel's eyes. "Did Dana die?" You asked. 

Sickness coiled in Miguel's stomach. "What?" But his tone was too deep, too dark. 

You shook your head. "No, I–I'm sorry I don't know why I said that, I'm just–" 

"We both know why you said that," Miguel said through clenched teeth. 

The way you looked at him, eyes full of bristling hatred for the woman who'd stolen away everything from you, set alight an ancient sort of fear in Miguel’s core. It was so like that night, the one where you'd found out. 

Gabi was still at daycare. You were at work. Miguel was supposed to be at work, too. It could have been the perfect crime, one full of sinful lust and infinite rapture. 

But you came home early. 

You didn't even say a word when you walked into the bedroom and found him tangled in the sheets with Dana, with the woman he'd convinced you to think was a surrogate, not someone he was fooling around with and just so happened to knock up. You had that same stare, rotting with hatred, infested with betrayal, all for the woman underneath your husband. Miguel loathed that look, but he found some sick joy in hurting you, too. Because he hated you, for some reason. 

 Dana laughed when you walked out, some smart comment about how pathetic you were dancing off her plush, scarlet-stained lips. Miguel scoffed a laugh, too. You really were a coward, weren't you? 

(But you weren't.)

Miguel finished with Dana, and she left. He heard her say something to you, something light and playful and damn hurtful, but Miguel didn't say anything. Nor did you. 

He found you in the living room after he'd pulled some clothes on like it mattered. He leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms, staring hard at your profile while you graced the ground with an empty gaze. Your hands clasped and unclasped slowly. Your head nodded shallowly. 

"You're really not gonna say anything?" Miguel goaded. 

"What am I supposed to say?" You offered. 

Something. Anything. 

Miguel laughed, mocking, and sat down across from you, on a mirrored couch, across the glass coffee table you'd picked out together. 

"How long?" You managed. 

Miguel hummed in thought. "How old's Gabi?" 

That got a reaction out of you, something Miguel craved so deeply; your eyelids fluttered in disbelief, and your lips parted to suck in a sharp breath. You looked hurt. You looked like you were feeling something.

"The prenup says you keep what's yours, I keep what's mine, yeah?" 

Miguel's smile faded. "What?"

"Gifts fall into that category. I’m keeping the Jeep." 

"Wait–" 

"I'll find a lawyer in the morning." You got up, and Miguel snapped. 

"You're not even going to fucking ask why?" He yelled, pursuing you into the bedroom. "You don't wanna know why I'm fucking someone else? What the fuck is wrong with you?" 

You ignored him. Miguel's temper flared. 

"Fine! Fine, fuck it, I'll tell you. You don't excite me anymore. You don't try, you don't wanna fuck me, you don't wanna do anything anymore–" 

"Miguel–" 

"You're not the same man I married. What happened to you? When'd you get so–so pathetic and weak?" He took a pause to breathe. Or maybe gasp, more like, as the stabs of panic started to overtake him. "I hate you. You can't leave me." 

He braced on the door, trying to get his bearings on his own, but you were quick to his side. With a strength Miguel loved and adored, you eased him down and fell in slow-motion with his shaky frame secured in your arms. 

“It’s okay, Miggs. You’re okay.” Your fingers combed through his hair slowly. You held him tight,  and convinced him to breathe with you. In and out. In and out. In and out. He breathed to the rhythm of your heart, as it turned out. Slow and steady. Hurt and bleeding. 

“We’ll figure this out, I promise.” 

And he believed you. 

That’s why he took off the ring, and left first thing in the morning. 

Hobie and Gwen passed out after eating their fill of stew. Miguel was beyond annoyed, but couldn't find it in himself to wake them up and leave, not when you were undecided about going with them, but very much wanting him to take Gabi. 

Honestly, he didn't think you'd still be hurting after all this time. Dana was something of the past, a succubus that followed the steps of opportunity and wealth wherever it may go. That's why she wasn't with the group anymore. That's why she left him when he needed her most, and jumped in a truck with strangers while he bled out, alone, in the solitude of an abandoned pet store. 

Chills raked his spine, breaking off chunks of bone when he thought about it. He'd never been so fucking scared in his life. He wished he could have called you to come save him. He wanted you to be the one to walk in there and find him, crying and dying, because you would have stuck by his side through all of those moments; if he hadn't let his emotions get the best of him, if he hadn't made so many stupid decisions, he would've been with you. If he died that day, it would have been in your arms. 

"Hey," you murmured with a gentle touch to his shoulder. Miguel jumped, and your eyes softened. "You okay?" 

Miguel swallowed thickly as he nodded. He looked around, grounding his mind through the touch of your hand, the duo snoring and slumped against bags of soil, and the gentle flickering of the propane campfire keeping the space warm. You taking a seat beside him helped, too. 

Copper eyes took a moment to pace around the old garden centre; true to the outside, it was more or less untouched on the inside, just more cluttered with haphazard barricades and half-done projects. Miguel watched his ghost walk through the isles, once filled with tropical plants, but now replaced with beautiful, healthy trees raised by your hand. It was no wonder Gabi grew up so strong. 

Speaking of--"Where's Gabi?" 

"She's in the next room. Watering some seedlings." You smiled for a fraction of a second. "Putting her green thumb to the test. Tryna show her old man up, I guess." 

Miguel smiled though his eyes stung. "Sounds like an O'hara." 

"Yeah, I thought so, too." 

You shared a few broken beats of laughter before silence fell, just like the snow beyond the door. Then, shyly, like you'd never done it before, your arm reached around his waist. Miguel didn't hesitate to lean his weight into you, though, and that arm didn't wait to pull him in closer right after. 

"So. You still hate me?" Miguel dared to ask before the dancing cinders.

Your hand smoothed up and down his side thoughtfully, soothingly. Miguel melted against you more with a sweet, content sigh. 

"I never hated you," you whispered in return. "Never." 

Miguel made a little sound, something caught between surprise and relief, while your words sunk deep into his thoughts. You didn’t hate him. You didn’t hate him. 

“Then come back with us.” 

“Miguel–”

“There’s no reason to stay here,” Miguel bit out, frustration egging him on. “We have shelter, we have water, showers, rooms, beds–we have everything.” 

“What about food?” You asked quietly.

But Miguel didn’t have an answer; food was the reason they were coming out here, to find more ways to create sustainable living, to try and make life work again. He couldn’t help but look at the trees and bushes bursting with colourful fruits and vegetables, showing off years of dedication and hard work through the literal fruits of your labour. Miguel didn’t know how hard it was to get there. He didn’t think he wanted to know. 

“...It’s a work in progress,” he grumbled instead of admitting the truth. “But we could use your help.”

Your warm fingers dipped under layers of clothes to find the searing skin of your past lover. To Miguel, it almost ached. He hadn't been touched in so long. He hadn't felt your hands on his bare skin for even longer. It intoxicated him, filled his mind and blood with wants and needs–things only you could fulfil for him. 

"I won't leave you hangin', promise that. I just–I need to figure out how this is all gonna work." You looked around the room, taking stock. "Lots of gear we'll need, lots of shit to move. I'll send you back with whatever's already picked. Not worried about the cold with those. The trees are another story, don't want 'em to go dormant while–" 

Miguel kissed you. Sloppily, and wantonly, but with genuinity. Your hands scrambled to hold onto his massive frame when he leaned into you and almost knocked you off the discounted garden bench. This time, you were the one who made a cute, surprised noise. 

And you were the one who kissed him the second time, but it was smaller and shier coming from you, not so eager to consume like Miguel. Your calloused hand held the side of his neck, and your thumb ran along his jawline thoughtfully when you parted, noses bumping and nudging together in a weak nuzzle. 

"I guess you don't hate me anymore?" Your whisper ached Miguel's heart. 

"I never did," he confessed. 

"Then why did you say it?" 

"I don't know." He traced the curve of your lips with tired, weighted eyes. Your cupid's bow had a nice shape to it, so soft and pillowy, meant just for him. "But I didn't mean it." 

"I need a better answer than that." You swallowed down what Miguel could only guess to be a tincture of fear and sorrow, or maybe rage and betrayal. "I've lived with–with that for a long, long time." Your eyes glistened with unspent grief, suddenly. "I need more than 'I don't know.'" 

Miguel's heart lurched. He hadn't bore witness to the consequences of his selfishness before, not with you, not during his affair with Dana. He'd only seen you grow distant across that coffee table far before that god-awful night. And back then, he wanted a reaction. He wanted something like this out of you, but now, he couldn't fathom why.

"Mi amor, I–it's hard to put into words, and I was a stupid kid, and–hey, hey, don't--don't cry." He wiped away the bravest tear to fall first before you turned away, back to the flickering blaze, and rubbed your face roughly. 

"Here's my guess," you muttered. "You wanted to fuck, and I couldn’t–I just–it was hard for me. Or maybe it wasn’t hard, maybe that’s a better way to put it.” You rubbed your face, and held your head in your hands. "The, ah, the medication, the anti-depressants or whatever, they were fucking me up. I didn’t wanna fuck you. I didn’t wanna do anything. Then I was in training to join the force. Wasn't home, and when I was, I was too tired to take care of you and Gabi, so I focused on her. And that made you go back to Dana. Again." 

Bile scorched the back of Miguel’s throat. "You knew." A realisation, not a question. "You knew we–that she and I–" 

"Yeah, that she wasn't a surrogate.” You picked your head up from your hands and stared at the fire, unseeing. “Because she was dating Gabe at the time, and you were with me." You sighed and let a deep, venomous grief finally escape from the space between your lungs, from the spot where that thing had festered like a disease for too many years. 

"I could let it go the first time, turn a blind eye because she gave me–gave us–our daughter, but–the second time? With all the shit you two said?" You shook your head. "I just--I couldn't–I wish you'd just told me what was wrong. I wish I'd told you what was going on with me, too, 'cause I know all the shit that happened is my fault, too.”

"Dad?” Gabi's small, hollow voice rang. The both of you turned to her, but you were the one who got up. 

“Baby,” You said with a hushed tone, somehow so comforting but so afraid. “Hey, you done with the watering?” 

“Uh, yeah, but…um, is everything okay?” Her gaze flicked between you and Miguel. He could almost hear her little mind firing on all cylinders as she tried to parse what they were talking about. “You look sad.”

You crouched before her and took her hands in yours. “We’re talking through some things, honey, it’s alright. We’re figuring things out.”

A light of worried realization illuminated Gabriella’s gaze. Miguel fidgeted and futzed with his clothes as he looked away, unsure of how to deal with her accusatory revelation. How much did she know? Did you tell her anything? No, no, you wouldn’t do that, you wouldn’t dirty her memory of her father like that. You were a good man. You were a better man than Miguel. 

“Oh,” she whispered. 

You nodded and brushed some hair free from her freckled face. "We’ll be alright, baby. You just get some sleep, alright? Tomorrow's gonna be a busy day. Lots of loading up to do." 

Gabi whispered the softest okay before giving you a hug. She paused for a moment, before running to Miguel and throwing her arms around him for a few precious seconds before running off to the loft to sleep. 

You sighed, then, and Miguel did too.

You turned to him. “Look, you–I don’t know why I’m starting shit right after you…you wander back into my life,” you murmured, going back to Miguel and straddling the bench before taking his hand and squeezing. “I’m sorry. And I love you. You know that, right?”

That pang came back in Miguel’s chest, but this time, it was warmer.

December 2nd  3:05am i love you 3:06am i'm sorry

Miguel squeezed your hand back and this time, he was the one tearing up. “Mi amor, you don’t need to–you’ve done enough apologizing already.” 

"Miggs, don't say that. I–" 

"Stop. Stop it." Your husband straddled the bench, too, and scooted closer to you until he was more or less in your lap, his heavy thighs draped over your own. 

"But–" you started, and stopped as Miguel cupped your face with both hands and squished your cheeks. You sighed and leaned into his touch when it eased up. "Baby–" 

"Me arrepiento de lo que hice," he whispered to you, "espero algún d��a puedas perdonarme." He let go of your face, and found your hand to kiss its back. "Te amo." 

You smiled. Something real, something happy. Something that stayed around for more than a few seconds, and made the corners of your eyes crinkle with the beautiful way you'd aged. Then, you kissed him. 

"Te amo," you murmured back, your lips still touching his. "We'll figure this out. Work it out. We have the time." Your lips pressed against his again. "I'm not giving up on us." 

This time, Miguel cried.

It took some time to transport everything to Alchemax. It took a little bit longer to get you there, too. 

But you got there eventually, ready to stay for good, and ready to put Miguel's mind at ease. 

Your old friends and coworkers greeted you, clasping their hands on your back and hugging you tight until you couldn't breathe anymore. You smiled, too, and asked them how they were holding up, if your husband was keeping things in line. You couldn't help but remind them that you in fact hand the handsomest and smartest partner in the world, too. 

They let you get acquainted with the building pretty quickly, probably seeing the haggard, exhausted state you'd lived in for five years and wanting to let you unwind for the first time in a long time. And that called for a hot shower, food, and some sleep. 

"I'll take you to your room," Miguel told you as you both left the common area. 

"My room?" You retorted, sounding mighty confused and damn near insulted. 

Miguel blinked and looked at you. "Yeah. There's enough for–" Oh. 

"What's yours is mine, yeah?" You said, stern and a little bit spicy. "Then your room is mine. And your ass is–"

"Câllate," Miguel cut you off with a smile. "I'll take you to our room." 

He led you there with a bit of a spring to his step, and you kept up with as much enthusiasm. The room was nothing special, featuring nothing more beyond a mediocre bed, uninspired furnishings, and random knick knacks Miguel had left here over the years. But it was home. Your shared home. 

"Huh." You looked around the room. "I think that coffee table woulda looked nice here." 

Miguel scoffed a laugh and rested his hand on the small of your back. "You think so? I think it'd clash." 

"Yeah, well, you have bad taste, hun." 

"Oh, wow, you're really gonna say that when I'm married to you?" 

"I'm the one who confessed first. I'm the one who proposed. Pretty sure it's safe to say I picked you." You leaned toward him and kissed his cheek. “And I have good taste.”

Miguel felt his face get hot. "Shut up and take a shower." 

"Your wish is my command." You set your pack down by the bed before sliding open the door to the ensuite. Miguel watched you like a hawk, his prey drive skyrocketing when he caught swaths of your bare skin peeking out from the washroom. He wanted to watch more, but you deserved a little privacy. 

"Oh," you said, peeking out from the doorway. "I, uh, kept my phone through everything. There're some photos of Gabi, if you wanna check it out." You vanished back into the bathroom and Miguel heard the water turn on. "It's in my pack! In the shitty little phone pocket thing." 

"Yeah, I–okay, I'll take a look, thanks." Miguel smiled, and rummaged through what you'd brought with you before pulling out that beat up phone with the charger still plugged into it and kept together with bandages of tape. Colour him impressed. 

He sat on the edge of the bed and went straight for the camera roll. There were loads of new pictures ranging from Gabriella when she was littler, to pictures of animals that Miguel guessed Gabi had a hand in.

There were old pictures, too. Mostly of Miguel, as embarrassing as that was, but the baby photos took over his reign once that perfect little girl entered your life. It made Miguel wish he’d taken more photos, that he hadn’t thought it was too cliche and embarrassing to capture every moment. He used to say shit like, “Do you have to take a photo? Can’t you just live in the moment?” but you’d stick your tongue out, give him a pinch or a bite on his cheek or something else in retribution. Because you didn’t care, you wanted to look back on little memories. 

He scanned through photos until he caught one that sent a rush of red to his features; it was of him, on his back, eyes teary and face alight with a fierce blush as you, well, obviously fucked him stupid. It was the only one of its kind. Maybe you forgot to delete it? Maybe–

The videos. Oooh, now that had Miguel excited. Miguel scanned through the other folders, but found nothing, much to his dismay and relief, seeing as Gabi probably had free access to your phone. 

But then, he spied a locked folder. 

The first password he tried worked (your anniversary because duh. You were such a sap), and a whole catalogue of videos and pictures were unleashed. 

Miguel glanced up at the washroom door before he skimmed through. He remembered all of these places (but the geo tags helped, too. Christ, you were so organised with your exhibitionist porn), ranging from IKEA after closing, to an abandoned amusement park. He still didn’t know how you picked out these places, or how you knew how to get into them without getting in heaps of trouble with the authorities. 

He tapped on a video and bumped the volume up a couple notches, just so he could barely hear; it was him on his knees, on a rusty old ferris wheel, staring up at you like you were God himself as he gripped your thighs and did his damndest to give you the blowie of a lifetime. Your sighs and soft moans rippled through the speakers like waves lapping at the shoreline. Present Miguel rubbed his mouth, worrying at his bottom lip before licking the dryness away. 

“Good boy,” You whispered on the other side of the camera. Your hand came into view and carded through dark locks before cupping his cheek. Miguel of the past turned into your touch and took your thumb into his mouth while his hand took over stroking your length from base to tip over, and over again. 

Miguel swiped to the next video. He was on his back this time, in your shared bedroom, if that duvet cover was to be trusted, while your fingers plunged deep inside of his heat and tore loud moans and gasps from him. He remembered this; you called it an experiment before you bullied his prostate with three, thick digits.  

"How's that feel, gorgeous?" You purred. Miguel swallowed thickly, both in the video and in the now. His hesitant hand crept down his thigh slowly, like he was trying to hide it from himself and call it an accident as he reached to palm himself through his jeans while he watched. He almost felt guilty. But that's what made it better. 

"Good. Really fucking good." His past self rocked down against your fingers, choking on a needy whine as his eyes slid open, and found you. "I need you, mi amor. Please–" 

"I know, babe, I know. I'm almost done here," you promised. You tilted the camera down to his stretched hole to catch what you did next. "Then you can have whatever you want from me." 

You pressed your pinky in, then, and Miguel of the present bit his lip as his shocked gasp and shaky cry pierced through the speakers. Miguel still couldn't describe the deranged pleasure he got from having half your hand in his ass, nearly to the point of fisting him. 

Miguel switched to a different video quickly. The next one was in the Jeep you loved so much. You were both out camping for the weekend, something you loved and Miguel had learned to love; that stupid red truck became home for so many long weekends, it became host to long hours of napping and intimacy, it turned into one of Miguel's favourite places. 

The video started with you adjusting the camera and squinting at it while Miguel’s younger self bitched and moaned in the background. 

"I'm just making sure the tripod's working 'n shit, babe, just gimme a sec!" You whined back. 

"My dick's getting soft," Miguel threatened, so blasé but annoyed at the same time. "Come on, viejo." 

You pulled away from the camera, grinning smug as a fox, and scooted back to your lover. His past self was lounging, hair and clothes already a mess from the prologue to this movie, as he watched you.  

"I'm here, I'm here." You kissed him, and Miguel could almost taste the s’mores on your tongue, the coffee on your lips. "Sorry, just wanna make sure it's perfect." 

"Oh, yeah, 'course. Gotta make sure your indie porno looks good." 

"Hey, one day we're gonna look back on this! It's worth it, baby, trust me." 

"Whatever. Just kiss me," Miguel demanded with a laugh. And you did as you were told, kissing his lips, then down his chest, then–

"Knew you'd like watching 'em back." 

Miguel jumped, nearly dropping the phone as he jerked his hand away from his clothed bulge. "I, uh–what?" he asked dumbly as he stared at your built frame leaning against the doorframe. God, you were still an impressive specimen. He wished that loose towel would just drop from your hips already.

"Our, ah, home videos." You grinned, so much like that fox from the past, and paced to Miguel. "Nice looking back, ain't it?" You cupped the underside of his jaw and tilted his face up. "Got you a lil' excited, yeah?" 

You weren't wrong. With a hammering heart, burning skin, and tingling nerves, he couldn't deny he was stuck deep in a pool of desire and need. And now with you handling him like this–fuck. He was in trouble. 

Miguel nodded weakly. "Yeah." He took a deep breath. "Just a little." 

“I’ll help.” You eased onto the bed and took great care in settling behind him. "Let the video play," you whispered against his neck before leaving a possessive kiss. 

Miguel leaned back into you. He watched you pop open his jeans and slip a hand down, down, down, until your warm palm met his aching length. A shuddered breath escaped him when you felt him up, pulled him free, squeezing and stroking in all the right spots; it'd been so long since anyone touched him. It'd been so long since he touched himself. 

"I, ah, don’t think we–did we lock the door?" Miguel heard himself moan in the video, and he dared another look; your head bobbed between his thighs while fingers pistoned into him. He wondered if you would do that to him again. Maybe tonight. 

"Nope.”

“Shit.”

"Mmmh. You want me to stop jerking you off so you can lock it?" 

"No." 

You chuckled. "Okay." 

Your hand still worked him slowly and thoughtfully while lovers of the past filled in the rest of the silence. Miguel's hips bucked, and you hummed, so pleased with yourself. Pleased with yourself for pleasing him. Something Miguel found self-value in.

"I think I, uh, I think you mighta been right," he murmured to the air, trying to control his voice. Your gentle hum of intrigue spurred him on. "I think I need you to fuck me more than I realized. Need you to want me, ‘n…take me." 

“Yeah?” You asked before sinking a bite into his neck. “Figured you had somethin’ of a praise kink. Makes sense, in hindsight.”

Miguel gasped when you picked up the pace. “Fuck–I’d call it…mmmmn, I’d call it a-a love language–”

“Huh, didn’t know there were six love languages–”

“Sh-shut up, shut up, you know what I–what I mean–!” Miguel bit down hard on the inside of his mouth as his hips rocked up into your cruel, talented hand. He was close. How embarrassing. “I, uh…physical touch. Words of affirmation.”

“‘Needing my husband to fuck me and tell me I’m sexy.’” Miguel moaned and dug his head back into your shoulder as you chuckled. “That sound about right?”

“Viejo,” he whined, setting the phone aside to be forgotten. “I–”

“I know, baby; show me how hard this love language makes you cum.” 

It only took a few more strokes for Miguel to come undone. His teeth clattered together as he strained to keep his voice on lock as a forgotten rapture ripped the air from his lungs and electrocuted every vessel in his body. He clung to the other arm that’d come to wrap around his chest and hold him against you while you worked him through the motions, slowing down, accommodating the way his body reacted to the blinding pleasure. There were words said, probably encouraging ones muttered into his shoulder, but Miguel didn’t have the mind to parse the meaning of what you’d said. 

“Y’know,” you tried again when Miguel’s mind levelled out, “I think I have a praise kink, too. But a complimentary one. One where I like praising you.” You rested your chin on his shoulder and hummed. “Hm. Who woulda thought.”

“Hah. Good to know you’re still annoying,” Miguel said with a chuckle. He scrunched his nose up when you licked the side of his face. “(Name)--” 

“No.” You bit his cheek this time, and he sighed. You did, however, feel his softening cock start to come back to life again. “Want me to lock the door now, old man?” 

“Yeah,” he breathed. You got off the bed, letting the towel fall where it may, and Miguel finally gazed upon his lost treasure. “And set up your phone. We need to update the archives.”

You grinned when you turned back to him, and Miguel felt so at ease. 

There were still things to work out: the mental illness you hid from him, the cheating Miguel tried to hide from you, the little secrets you both kept wedged in the darkest cracks of your minds. But with you with him, the man who refused to give up on their bond and their love, Miguel felt safe indulging in mindless pleasure you so generously gave to him. Neither of you were about to seal away the past again, but if you could share in the good of your relationship while acknowledging the bad, then hope wasn’t lost; it was found in the moment you’d pulled his old wedding band from your pack, and slipped it back on Miguel’s finger that night, murmuring the words you said in a church so long ago:

“Till death do us part.”

[nxtheromoved]

The thing I like about watching TKK / CK from a t.aekwondo practitioner’s perspective is noticing the little details that other people wouldn’t otherwise pay any attention to. In other words, don’t look under the cut unless you want to see me nerd out and infodump a bunch of random martial arts stuff.

Johnny tucking his toes upward when preparing for a forward thrusting kick!! Unless you’re kicking with the front of your leg, you need the muscles in your foot flexed to retain tension and prepare for impact to your heel or the outer edge of your foot (aka the "knife edge”) depending on technique. Aiming is typically done with the balls of your feet in conjunction with the direction of your knees, and flexing helps keep that movement precise. The biggest thing though? It keeps your toes from getting smashed. (But if you’re kicking with the front of your foot/shin, you need to keep your toes pointed like a ballerina. I feel like this is a lot of people’s natural instinct when they try to kick something so it’s not as hard to train into your muscle memory as the upward flex in my opinion.)

That tiny flex on the last sections of Daniel’s fingers when he’s doing open palm techniques!! It shows that Ralph is actually putting in the effort to retain the proper tension in his muscles for his kata, as keeping that tension throughout your technique will cause those tiny sections to retract slightly.

Daniel and Robbie being perfectly in sync doing kata!! Super important for training and hard to do for beginners in large groups. The point is to train your timing, your discipline, and to ingrain the technique into your instincts so that it’s second nature and you don’t have to waste time thinking about it, your body just *does* it. If everyone in the group is doing it in sync, it means they’ve all dedicated the time to putting it to heart and there’s no hesitation. Another thing? It trains your teamwork. You have to follow whoever is leading the exercise and go at their pace, so that helps you not be locked into a singular rhythm, instead adjusting to the people around you. Also it just looks nice to onlookers when everyone is uniform lol.

The full umpire-style face gear Daniel wears is kinda ridiculous and I’ve never seen anyone actually wear that tbh, but I think it makes a narrative point to show how delicate he wants to be with these kids and train them the right way, and I love it. And idk, maybe some people do train with it, I’ve just personally never seen it. We usually shield our faces with the airshields themselves or maybe light padding if we’re practicing head kicks, but every dojo is different.

In the original film, they diversified the belt colors, and I loved that detail. Not everyone is a black belt. Wish they would bring that back; a black belt is something you have to earn over the course of years. It doesn’t always have to do with skill either, there are actual time requirements that you must fulfill to get promoted at certain belt levels. None of these kids in the current show should have a black belt certification because the show has only taken place over the course of a year, it doesn’t matter how good they are. But in the original film, Johnny being a black belt as a teenager? I believe it’s doable, especially if he’s been training for years, though individual organizations might differ in how they grade underage ranks versus adult ranks. There are different ranks of black belts too; in both k.arate and t.aekwondo we call them dan. Basically, you can compare earning a black belt to graduating from high school, and pursuing further rank promotions is like pursuing higher education. That’s the best metaphor I have for it.

I don’t recognize a lot of what Daniel does because I’m not as familiar with goju-ryu style, but I DO recognize a lot of what Johnny does because the C.obra K.ai style of k.arate is not k.arate at all; it’s tang soo do, which actually has a shared history with t.aekwondo, so we have a lot of similar techniques. And that spin kick Johnny does in the first movie on the fight at the beach? Immaculate, especially considering he was wearing shoes in sand, so the guy had no surface tension to work with to keep his balance. Zabka really put in his work for the movie and I was super impressed with how polished his techniques looked.

[forzalando]

goodbye kiss | s.r.

pairing: steve rogers x fem!reader word count: 1.2k warnings: mentions of anxiety (briefly), mentions of a head injury (briefly), cursing, mentions of food/eating a/n: this is a fluffy steve fic i've had finished for literally forever and i just never posted it bc i thought no one would read my marvel stuff hahahaha here it is. maybe there will be a part 2 to this....if anyone wants it :)

summary: Steve and Y/N are so clearly infatuated with one another, but oblivious as can be. One morning, Steve's shocking behavior may shift their relationship.

“Good morning, Y/N,” Steve and Bucky called out in sync as they barreled through the doorway of your shared home.

Every morning was practically the same; wake up at 5:00am because Bucky couldn’t be quiet if his life depended on it, start breakfast at 7:00am right as Steve and Bucky get back from their run (and pretend like you just woke up), shower at 7:40am, and start heading to the compound at 8:30am.

The consistency helped with Bucky’s anxiety, as well as your memory issues from a head injury you had sustained a while back on a mission.

Steve was just Steve, and he ran a ship tighter than his ass and his workout shirts that you knew for a fact ripped after their third or fourth wear.

The three of you worked and lived together, mostly in tandem, but occasionally something would happen that derailed the balanced home life you all strived for. It was usually minor; ‘accidentally’ eating someone’s leftovers, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, playing music too loud at night, etc.

But sometimes…sometimes it was the way Steve looked at you across the dinner table that made you nervous around him for days. Sometimes it was the way your fingers found their way into his sandy blonde hair after a stressful week. Once, about a month ago, it was because he walked into the bathroom not knowing you were taking a bath. And most recently, it was the casual comment made by Bucky about how he was sick and tired of you and Steve dancing around your feelings for one another like “the fuckers in the Russian Ballet”.

Eventually, the awkward period would fade away and things would return to their normal, harmonious ways, with Bucky grumbling all the while about your cowardice.

“What do you have for us today, doll?” Bucky called out as he exited his bedroom.

“I think I have a cold so you and Steve are getting scrambled eggs and toast because it requires minimal effort. Also, we’re now out of eggs. And bread.”

“I just bought three cartons and a loaf two days ago,” Bucky groaned as he slumped against the counter.

“You and your buddy Steven consume a carton each so either eat less or shop more. Take your pick, Barnes.”

He walked behind you and snatched the spatula from your hand, scooping some eggs into his mouth with a cheeky grin.

“I choose to shop more.”

You quickly grabbed the spatula back and shooed him away before he turned your pristine kitchen into a crumb filled nightmare.

“Steve,” you shouted indignantly, “breakfast is ready and I do not have time for your slow ass today.”

Bucky grumbled something unintelligible under his breath, and immediately after, a loud crash echoed from across the house. Bucky shrugged his shoulders in response, pretending to be unaware of whatever could have caused Steve to wreak accidental havoc so early in the morning. It certainly was not his whispered comment, loud enough for only a super soldier’s ears, about how you surely had time for anything to do with Steve’s ass.

“Sorry, sorry,” Steve huffed as he shuffled out of his room.

“What the hell happened in there?”

“I, uh, mis-stepped and tripped over my bed frame, no big deal.”

You rolled your eyes playfully and graciously stepped away from the stove, accepting Steve’s good morning hug and forehead kiss with a dopey smile.

A strangled gag interrupted your precious moment, and you shot daggers at Bucky while he shoveled his breakfast into his mouth like he was starved.

“Sorry, egg must have went down the wrong pipe. Continue your love fest.”

“It’s not a love fest, Buck,” Steve mumbled as a heated blush crept up his neck.

“Then how come I don’t get tender hugs and forehead kisses every morning?”

“Because you don’t cook me breakfast and Y/N is much more kissable.”

Steve froze while Bucky, the cheeky bastard, chuckled into his perfectly buttered toast. You quickly composed yourself and patted Steve reassuringly on the back, laughing along with Bucky.

“I wouldn’t want to kiss Bucky’s ugly mug either, Rogers.”

The rest of breakfast was silent; the sounds of clinking forks and satisfied sighs seemed like exploding C4 and gusts of wind in the cozy kitchen. After finishing your breakfast of hot tea with lemon and honey, you wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed. Before, you felt that it was just a little cold, but the longer you were upright and moving around, the more sick you felt.

“We don’t have anything important planned today, do we?” You asked while hobbling towards the couch.

“Not that I know of, are you alright, doll?” Steve inquired, concern evident in his eyes.

“It’s probably just a head cold but will you tell Stark I’m calling in sick today? I don’t even have the energy to send him a text right now. Plus, I don’t want to deal with him telling me this wouldn’t happen if I took his prototype horse pill, super food vitamins.”

“I’ll let him know,” Steve mumbled affectionately as he draped a blanket over your shivering frame.

In a matter of minutes, he and Bucky were headed out the door; Steve with his briefcase and Bucky with his reusable grocery bag he deemed secure enough for sensitive documents.

When the door shut, you closed your eyes, relishing in the quiet, empty space you would have to yourself for the next 9 hours, until a sharp ringtone pierced your eardrums and ignited a monstrous headache.

Steve’s phone buzzed upon the kitchen table and you groaned; his forgetfulness never ceased to amaze you. You dashed across the room, hoping and praying that he and Bucky hadn’t already driven away. After flinging open the door to your house, you crashed directly into what you knew to be Steve Rogers’s insanely muscular chest.

“I forgot my….” He trailed off, noticing that you had it in your hand while simultaneously taking note of the annoyed expression on your face.

“You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached to your shoulders, Steven. I feel incredibly overworked and under appreciated looking after you.”

He threw his head back and laughed, the sound momentarily easing the pounding headache behind your eyes.

“You’re definitely not under appreciated doll,” Steve murmured as he took his phone from your outstretched hand. “Don’t forget to take some cold medicine, it’s in the hall bathroom cabinet behind Bucky’s aftershave. I’ll bring home some soup and a movie.”

Before you could thank him, he dipped his head and captured your lips in a delicate kiss. However, all too soon, he backed away with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.

“Did you just…” you gasped.

“I’ll see you tonight, bye!” He shouted before taking off in a sprint and bounding down the front porch steps.

You watched him from the window as he awkwardly ran back to his car. Just before he opened the door, he turned around and locked eyes with you. You blew him a kiss, as dramatically as you could, and smiled as he laughed and ducked into the driver’s seat.

The sensation of vibrating pulled your attention away from Steve and you reached into your pocket for your phone, swiping across the new text message.

From: Bucky Barnes

I. Saw. Everything.

taglist: @gredmforge @vogueweasley @gcdricreads @nuttytani @kaye-lantern @barnesjamcs @thisuserlovesyouandyouandyou @fallingforyou123 @phoenixes-and-wizards @gloryekaterina @hannahmeyer1999 @beautyschoo1dropout @loonylovegood13 @saara-sanders @le-weasley-simp @peachypotter @omghufflepuff @weelittleweasley (if your url has a strikethrough, I was unable to tag you! please let me know if you would like to be added to my marvel taglist and thank you for reading!!)

[the-most-beautiful-broom]

50 questions you’ve never been asked

Thanks for the tag @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold this is a fun one!

What is the colour of your hairbrush? sooo i actually don’t own a hairbrush because curls but i have a green detangler comb that sits in my shower, if that counts

Name a food you never eat? i like chocolate and i like ice cream, but chocolate ice cream is a no for me

Are you typically too warm or too cold? too cold, likely because i refuse to wear socks if i’m not wearing shoes

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? coming up with a caption for an insta post for when my friend Rose comes to new york--i’m really pleased with myself on this one: we’ll go to East Harlem and we’ll take a pic in front of a mural or something and my caption shall be (drumroll) there is a Rose in Spanish Harlem 

What is your favourite candy bar? i like any of lindt’s solid chocolate bars

Have you ever been to a professional sports event? yeah! lots of hockey when i was still in dallas, and Padres games when I was still in San Diego

What is the last thing you said out loud? “so if no one has anything else, I’m happy to give y’all fourteen minutes of your day back.”

What is your favourite ice cream? ben and jerry’s cherry garcia

What was the last thing you had to drink? hot water

Do you like your wallet? haha nope, i’m so ambivalent about it, it’s big enough to hold everything and small enough to fit in multiple purses so it’s perfectly comfortable but it’s not like ooo cute 

What was the last thing you ate? soooo this is me realizing i haven’t eaten anything today? last night i had some cake i made over the weekend

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? not last weekend or even recently in general...i have been on the hunt for a vintage leather bomber jacket; i had one in college and i daily regret donating it 

The last sporting event you watched? probably a baylor game, last fall

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? so. there’s this brand of specialty popcorn called popcornopolis and they make one called ‘zebra’ and it’s caramel corn drizzled with white and milk chocolate 

Who is the last person you sent a text message to? my sister

Ever go camping? as a kid, for sure. my dad was an eagle scout so he was into it...it’s not my favorite or like it can be done

Do you take vitamins? supplements, so like red clover or magnesium

Do you go to church every Sunday? lol every Sabbath I do

Do you have a tan? nope and i’m bitter

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? pizza, veggie chinese options aren’t the best

Do you drink your soda with a straw? nope but i’m also that pretentious person that pours soda into a glass instead of drinking from the can or bottle

What colour socks do you usually wear? i got a bunch of ankle socks from old navy last summer, they’re pastel colored with different dogs haha

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? i don’t have a car anymore rip

What terrifies you? lots of anxieties, few terrors? terrors is a strong word. like...dying alone, for sure, something happening to my friends/family and being helpless to stop it...nothing revolutionary

Look to your left, what do you see? a dress that i borrowed a lot from one of my friend that she just sent me because she was cleaning out her closet and thought of me

What chore do you hate? sweeping/swiffering the floor

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? i mostly just blush, it’s a mess

What’s your favourite soda? Dr. Pepper or fresca

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus? fast food isn’t really a thing in new york...when I was in texas, i’d do drive thru if it was just me, but if i was with someone, we’d go in. but like really the only place i can think of is in n out

Who’s the last person you talked to? it was a conference call for work lol

Favourite cut of beef? oof so now i’m that annoying vegetarian is this the second time it’s come up? back in the day, it would’ve been a filet mignon 

Last song you listened to? anything by dermot kennedy; he’s been on loop for like weeks now

Last book you read? Gone Girl, finally

Favourite day of the week? Saturdays or sundays

Can you say the alphabet backwards? i cannot and i also cannot say that i have any desire to

How do you like your coffee? i’m an espresso girl so either an oat milk latte or an americano

Favourite pair of shoes? white sneakers, any brand, as long as they’re a little dirty

The time you normally go to sleep? these days it’s been 3am i’m doing great

The time you normally get up? around 8:40am

What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? genuinely good with either

How many blankets on your bed? two

Describe your kitchen plates: brooklyn-sized--cheap counters, small stove, sensitive oven, tall

Do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? i don’t drink woohoo

Do you play cards? i never learned except for one disastrous occasion where my ex tried to teach me poker but i learned to shuffle because i don’t like being inept/having to ask someone else to do it

What colour is your car? no car! new york city baby

Can you change a tire? lol no definitely not

Favourite job you’ve ever had? when i was in college i worked as an RA in the dorms, and i loved that. getting to be a safe space, plan events, looking out for girls and decorating our hall--i lived in the same building for four years! 

How did you get your biggest scar? when i was like 2, i tripped over the back of a rocking chair and split my head open, so i have a scar through my right eyebrow

What did you do today that made someone else happy? tagged a bunch of gals i used to go to school with in something on instagram, reminding them how much they mean to me and have taught me :) 

kath, this was so great! tagging @thelittlefanpire @dylanobrienisbatman @nightbleeder and anyone else assume you’re tagged bc i want to know all these things about you ♥

[blossomhcney]

( hannah john-kamen. thirty three. cis female. she/her. ) in texas, evie macdonald is more commonly known as eve. they’ve been living in stratford for thirty three years and currently a dancer at deseo. some say they are secretive & petty but i’m more inclined to believe those that say they’re passionate & organised. if you walk by their house, you can sometimes hear my boy by billie eilish playing from their window. ( cherry red lips, heels click against the hard floor, half used bottles of perfume, stained ripped jeans, old fashioned jewellery hangs loose around her neck. )

hi all ! i’m lucy, i’m twenty three years old (oof an old lady in here apologies if anybody is older lmao but you definitely know how i feel !) and i use she/her pronouns. i am from england (press f in the chat yikes), so i am in gmt timezone !  i am always up for plotting, so do not hesitate to message me here or ask for my discord ! uhhh i am terrible at talking about myself so i’m just gonna get on and introduce evie ! also do not come for me for randomly waking up at 5:40am and coming on here to post these because i was so excited lmao bye

PINTEREST BOARD !

NAME. evie spencer macdonald. NICKNAME. eve. AGE. thirty three. GENDER. cis female. PRONOUNS. she/her. SEXUAL ORIENTATION. bisexual. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION. biromantic. HOMETOWN. stratford. OCCUPATION. dancer at deseo. AFFILIATION. none.

ZODIAC. aries. POSITIVE TRAITS. passionate, organised, determined. NEGATIVE TRAITS. secretive, petty, impatient. LANGUAGES SPOKEN. english, norwegian, italian.

HEIGHT. 5′6 EYE COLOR. blue. HAIR COLOR. brunette. TATTOOS. can be found on the pinterest board !

QUICK INFO.

trigger warnings: none, i think

from the day she was born, evie was doted on. her parents, francesca and marcus macdonald had tried for years to have a child. evie was considered their miracle baby, not just by her parents, but by the doctors who had delivered her. francesca had been forty four when evie was born, considered to be far too old to bring a child into the world and yet, against the odds, she had succeeded. 

of course, growing up in stratford was never easy. not with her mild mannered and sweet parents. evie spent a fair amount of time with her nanny, her parents had careers that, despite having their miracle baby, they could (would) not give up. for evie, it was the time of her life, being taught swedish as soon as she could grasp words. it was like having her very own best friend that she could share secrets with and talk in private. 

despite being called a miracle baby twice a day, evie is thirteen when she truly begins to notice how her mother declines to look at her unless she is forced to. the way she winces each time evie talks to nova, the nanny, in norwegian. she asked nova one night, why her mother hated her so much. the broken words of a child, breaking the heart of herself and her closest friend in one question. she finds herself with no answer, just the calming words of a mother figure as she tucks her into bed and says good night. 

she realises how much she enjoys sex at sixteen. rebelling had never been so sweet. her father had tried to be strict with her, tell her when she could go out and where she could not go. she had felt sorry for him, sitting there as he wagged his finger in her face and gave her instructions not to attend parties with the boys in her classes and not to be late home for her curfew. evie was patient (for the last time), as he listed off everything he did not want her to do. and then she stood, smiled sweetly and told him that he had nothing to worry about. of course he did, but the soft words of his only child soothed him for a night or two. nobody was ever awake past evie’s curfew, so they would never know if she came home late. until marcus had cameras installed and he could see her sneaking boys and girls into her home two hours past her curfew, only to kick them out three hours later. the punishment he tries to enforce is laughable at best, she is to go to school and back, no extracurricular activities and no more nights out with friends. they both know she will never listen, but if it makes him feel manly to yell, she won’t fight it. 

she is eighteen when she stops going by evie. some boy makes the mistake of comparing her to a toddler and she grabs his finger when he waves it in her face and threatens to break it. by some, she is dubbed a psychopath, others a hero. that day,  she introduces herself as eve and politely asks her family and friends to address her as eve. 

it has been years since nova stopped working for her family and left to work for another family, but eve misses her dearly. she was her closest friend, the person she could tell every secret. in the most cliche way, she discovers she was so much more. a letter arrives one morning, addressed to eve. it contains detailed experts of what she can only assume was a journal, depicting how nova was her mother, not francesca. it explains why she felt so hated and alienated by her mother and why their marriage was nothing more than a farce. confronting her parents would feel good, but they barely talk to one another now and they hardly even look at her. she feels like a stranger in her own home and now, it all makes sense. 

it just so happens that, even after twenty one years, the idea of the town finding out who her biological mother actually was, terrified her parents. an argument had ensued and eve had not been able to catch herself, blurting out that she knew she was not really a byproduct of their love, but of her father and another woman. oh god, the tears. the screams. you would have thought that she had threatened to kill them both and then herself the way her mother had acted. they practically beg her to keep quiet, they’ll give her anything to never say another word about it again. as sickening as it is, she needs out and if they will pay for it, wouldn’t she be stupid to say no?

she is twenty three when she becomes a dancer at deseo. she had frequented the strip club a number of times over the years, always so fascinated with the way those women moved and swayed with the music. she had sometimes imagined herself up there, eyes all on her as she showed them what they wanted. and now, it was a reality. at least she would no longer need to take the money from her parents each other. of course, she hadn’t really needed it before, they had forced their money upon her with the fear that she would spill their deepest, darkest secret. she settles easily into her new job, enticing men and women with her looks and then her charms. soft edges and wide eyes, she had the perfect look. 

and she still does. she’s been a dancer for ten years, even better than when she started. whoever said the younger the better was sorely mistaken. women like eve aged like fine wine; they only got better with age.

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

best friends / ride or die - who doesn’t know the deal with this by now??? somebody that eve can rely on and tell all her dirty little secrets !

reliable customers - eve is most definitely one of those dancers who, for the right price, can be yours for the night. of course, that is dependent on the person, but eve is a very lovable person.... anyway , i would love to plot this out for many reasons (1/4)

the one that got away - pretty obvious, but somebody that eve actually let in for once and it didn’t end well (she knew it wouldn’t), but this is one that she always regrets not fighting for 

exes - as the above would suggest, eve is not the type to let anybody in, so these would be far and few between, but meaningful enough that she classes them as an ex (1/?)

childhood friends - she has lived in stratford all her life, so she very likely has friends that she may have drifted apart from over the years, but they can always reminisce over their childhoods together (2/?)

hook ups / one night stands - ahh so much easier than dating, eve will take a one night stand over a prolonged experience of feelings any day (4/?)

flirtationship - somebody she lives to tease and poke fun at, but in a far more friendly way than people presume two friends would 

[tamiddyinyourcity]

OHRHENAJAHSHHSHSJSHSUSYEYDHEUDH.

10:40am.

I'm not appreciating all the reminders of my ex boyfriend, life.

Friday, May 22nd of 2020.

The reminders:

I made a cake out of Coca Cola when I blacked out the other night from stress, boredom, and exhaustion. I used no measuring cups whatsoever. It tastes like 2% coca cola, 98% miscellaneous flavorless and still simultanously sugary bland blob. It has the texture of kinetic sand. Someone joked that it looked like the bottom of tiramisu..... Cue a flashback of him taking me out to get tiramisu... The good moments were nice, but I must remind myself that he's not the only man that's shared a tiramisu with me, (Matty with the Ass Phatty also did,) and just because a man knows how to woo me with a sweet and mildly bitter delicacy that will foreshadow our relationship, doesn't mean he's a great person, alright?

My friend (i forget her name........... maybe we suck at being friends,) played the song Detachable Penis, and unlocked a part of my brain that I had forgotten about. Good song, good vibe.

I fell asleep with my MASSIVE body pillow folded in an "L" shape, and it felt like someone's arm around me. (It's quarantine, let me be as cuddly as I want, and mildly lame. Shhhhhhh who knows when i can do this shit again????)

Had dreams about him. They were a little aloof though, I can barely remember them. Some were just memories, like that time his dog somehow burst into his room and licked both of us awake. (An actually incredible wholesome memory, to wake up in the arms of the person you like and being tackled by their ginourmously gorgeous labrador. And then the disgust that came when either a piece of cheese, or a piece of pasta, fell from the dog's mouth and into mine.......EUGGGGGGH. EUUUUUUUUUUUUGH-)

My ex also kisses his dog on the mouth. Why did I like this guy? I mean, plenty of reasons, but I still look back on things like, "Damn, Tamia, you've.... got.... strange taste in your men."

I like strange men. I'd probably bang a horror villain, if the situation arose.

(I'm probably only saying that due to seeing a Worthikids video where Jason does ASL, and is ABSOLUTELY RIPPED.)

Give me a sec. I feel ill at the thought of that one individual, and thus, am gonna watch Witches On Tinder until my body feels better.

....

12:09pm.

Alright, cool.

Things I feel worried about for today:

Do I want a TV in my bedroom? I don't watch TV. I don't even have anything to use on it. I don't even watch TV, Twitter exists just fine for me. Uncensored, unhinged, beautiful.

And I don't have a gaming system either..... Well, I'll just probably mention it to my mom. Since if I don't get the TV in here, I can happily have tons of shelf space for myself.

And wall space, for posters.

I need to eat today..... Gosh I'm feeling so low energy. Hell, I thought I slept in until 1pm today, but it turns out, it was only 10:43am. Ugh. Ugh.

I'm exhausted. Not sure why, buuuut probably crippling loneliness and a failure to have others connect with me seems like a good enough reason for why.

It's so incredibly close to June, man.

Am I alright?

Yeah.

Just.... yknow.

12:28pm.

Positive things to look forward to:

MOVIE NIGHT WITH CAM TONIIIIIIIGHT, we're gonna watch 3 Idiots! (That's the name of a film, not just the average night hanging in my house with relatives..... I'm half kidding, lmfao.) He said it's a more serious toned Bollywood film, so fuck yeah. Let's get our Bolly on, babeeeeeeey.

I think his crush on me has disappeared. Better not think about it all too much.

.....

I just remembered that time my ex-friend Jacob told me about wanting to order a horse dragon dildo off the internet.

Good thing about strange taste in friends and men: never a dull moment.

Bad thing: having the uncomfortable knowledge that your friend wants to feel a horsecock all in their b*ssy, is um..............

.....

It's good to have a balance of weird, and basic. Basic friends are the ones for selfies, parties, and shopping sprees. The weird ones are the ones for fun stories, an oddly high level of acceptance of weird shit, and potential crime! (Not like I'd write about crimes on here, though.)

Which is why I think it's harder to bond with people who have, yknow, morals, common sense, and a lack of disability or an atypical lifestyle mindset.

(Especially women.)

Since then yknow, hanging out with people and being used to people who instantly have it *click* in terms of things like gender expression, sexuality, marxism, anti-capitalism, racism, psychology, or tons of shit, then it's a little harder to go back to circles of people that would even wince at the idea of a woman with short hair, shun the homeless, tons of shit.

(Ah, another memory; my ex gave money to a homeless person every time that he saw one. I recall that being something I thought was amazing. He had a lot of fucked up shitty personality tendencies and actions I loathed, but he still occasionally was not a terrible person sometimes.)

But like idk, i think also with women that have been groomed and pushed to be a certain desirable way their entire life, to not speak up as much, or just to never ever step outside the boundaries of "innocent, pretty, and always appealing".... Never really open up to other options, aaaaand usually leads to dismissing me.

That was why I disliked Mari, when we were "friends". She was fake as hell. I get it, people get lonely and take what they can get. But with her, I thought "Cool! A friend of the same gender! We can talk about winged eyeliner and.... whatever girls talk about. Shit talking exes? Yeah, sure. Maybe movies and video games too, if she plays any."

And in her head, she would overall just see me as uninteresting and boring.... despite not contributing to conversation whatsoever, and also ALWAYS INVITING ME OUT? DESPITE NOT LIKING ME?

And only nice to me if I looked all "insta photo glam" to post online to show off to others online. So if i didn't have my FINEST samsbeauty wig on, and a crop top or some shit to look all feminine glam, theeeen she'd be hostile as fuck.

....

I see why she didn't have friends before me. She was a very nauseating person. I literally dumped her and my ex the same day, and when almost a week passed, guess who I remembered? And guess who I forgot? Fucking exactly.

....

But now I do have a good balance of friends. Me speaking openly online ever since I was 12 lead to lots of people enjoying my perspective, and even learning things about themselves.... Feels good, you know?

I'll take an online "YESSSSS QUEEN" over an in real life silence with a dead presence every day.

Since even if both are silent, at least one shows me warmth and love anyways.

12:57pm.

My wigs come in this Tuesday, the cool neighborhood 60s jazz kids come to play on their balcony this Saturday, and I also have my podcast with my homie this Saturday as well. Hell yes. Peace out.

[womenofcolor15]

BREAKING: Rapper Pop Smoke Reportedly Shot & Killed During Home Invasion, No Suspects At This Time

In horrible news, "Welcome to the Party" rapper Pop Smoke was reportedly shot and killed just hours ago inside a home in the Hollywood Hills. The full story, as well as his friends' heartfelt reactions, inside.

  Panamanian & Brooklyn-born rapper Pop Smoke - real name Bashar Barakah Jackson - was killed during a home invasion this morning inside a house on Hercules Drive in the Hollywood Hill, according to TMZ.

Authorities told the site that there was a party or gathering at the house prior to the shooting.  Pop Smoke also posted pics and video from the home on the day of the shooting, and he also - likely accidentally - showed his address while showing off the new clothes he was sent to the house.  Neither the shooter(s), nor the motives, are known at this time.

Local media first reported a shooting at the 3,000 sqft home around 4:30am PST, stating that one man was found suffering from multiple gunshot wounds.  NBC Los Angeles said the victim later died at a hospital. The news also revealed that the 9-1-1 call came from someone on the east coast - a friend of someone inside the house.

Police said the 911 call came from the East Coast from a friend of someone who was inside the residence. Police did not provide more details regarding the call.

Los Angeles police did not immediately confirm the victim's identity.

No arrests were reported early Wednesday. Several people were questioned at the scene in the Mount Olympus area. Up to six people are sought in connection with the slaying, police said.

It was not immediately clear whether anything was taken during the home invasion.

The 20-year-old "Drive The Boat" rapper was renting the home from "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" star, and John Mellancamp's daughter, Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, who posted about the fatal invasion:

        View this post on Instagram

                  Early this am we were informed by a 3rd party leasing and management company overseeing a rental home we own in Los Angeles that a shooting had taken place at the property. Foremost, we would like to extend our prayers and condolences to the family and loved ones affected by this tragic loss of life. We aren’t aware of any of the details beyond what we’ve been told or seen reported on the news and at this time we would like to refrain from commenting further as we wish for the focus to remain on the law enforcement officers who are diligently doing their jobs.

A post shared by Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave (@teddimellencamp) on Feb 19, 2020 at 7:40am PST

    Pop Smoke was definitely on the come up. His album Meet The Woo, V.2 hit #7 on the Billboard chart just yesterday, "Welcome To The Party" - with a Nicki Minaj remix assist - was the song of last summer and is on constant rotation on the radio, and he garners over 5 million monthly listeners on Spotify.

He posted his last post on his Instagram feed several hours before the shooting:

        View this post on Instagram

                  GET STRAIGHT PASSION ZIP HIM UP BAG EM LOUIS V LOUIS V LOUIS V 

A post shared by BIGG PAPI LOCSTA (@realpopsmoke) on Feb 18, 2020 at 4:27pm PST

        View this post on Instagram

                  MAMA IM GLOBAL NOW

A post shared by BIGG PAPI LOCSTA (@realpopsmoke) on Nov 25, 2019 at 2:49pm PST

He was also booked for upcoming festivals like Pharrell's Something In The Water festival in April, Rolling Loud in May, and his Meet The Wu tour that was set to kick off March 2nd. He's been performing for thousands of fans at multiple concerts, including one in Brooklyn - the Drip Concert - just this past Sunday.

        View this post on Instagram

                  LONDON SOLD OUT

A post shared by BIGG PAPI LOCSTA (@realpopsmoke) on Nov 27, 2019 at 5:38pm PST

    Nicki Minaj, 50 Cent, Justine Skye, Jason Mitchell and more have posted their shock and feelings about Pop Smoke's tragic death as well:

        View this post on Instagram

                  Seriously I think I’m bout to start speaking out on shit and holding some nigga meetings because I’m over it.. we already got the police to worry about and just being black to worry about.. but black men we are the fucking worst at times.. we can’t communicate and we kill the fuck outta each other.. niggas can’t have shit.. and 92% of the time it’s the niggas closest to you who do this type of bullshit.. this man was 20.. granted a lot of people do die before that age and most of the youngers are the ones doing it but his life ain’t even start yet.. idk if he even got to have kids.. niggas really need to just stop hating and get some money.. or at least be a man and ask for some fucking help.. check yourself and your surroundings.. and be an example.. otherwise just shut the fuck up.. #mybad #impissed #rippopsmoke

A post shared by Jason Mitchell (@jasonmitchellactor) on Feb 19, 2020 at 7:41am PST

        View this post on Instagram

                  The Bible tells us that jealousy is as cruel as the grave. Unbelievable. Rest In Peace, Pop.

A post shared by Barbie (@nickiminaj) on Feb 19, 2020 at 6:57am PST

  R.I.P to my man Pop Smoke, No sympathy for winners. God bless him pic.twitter.com/5ZFa5ILUzl

— 50cent (@50cent) February 19, 2020

No such thing as success with out jealousy, treachery comes from those who are close. R.i.P pic.twitter.com/OZxKtpPZog

— 50cent (@50cent) February 19, 2020

pic.twitter.com/WVNd51wAyn

— 50cent (@50cent) February 19, 2020

Pop Smoke freestyles over 50 Cent's "Not Like Me". He had such a unique voice and flow. RIP Pop Smoke, you'll be missed. pic.twitter.com/ZJI5YRonc3

— Ali (@DrakesWriter1) February 19, 2020

I can’t believe Pop Smoke passed away. People are just so cruel. He was only 20 years old. Please count your blessings everyday, and live life to the fullest. You can be here today, and gone tomorrow

— Skai (@skaijackson) February 19, 2020

Our prayers and condolences go out to Bashar's family and loved ones at this time.

  Photo: Pop Smoke's IG

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2020/02/19/breaking-rapper-pop-smoke-shot-killed-during-reported-home-invasion

[ktrxs]

6.16.19

Yo Hoe Bo

I am disoriented right now and have been for a few hours. Do you know how long it took me to have a decent sleep schedule? To go to bed before midnight, sleep while the moon is out and actually wake up in the morning?

A long ass time. I’ve been sleeping perfectly and awesomely and well for MONTHS. Literal months. And I have been so happy that I go to bed around 11 and wake up before 10am. It’s been GREAT!

Well, let me tell you how I’m currently fucked. and how a girl named Carrie double fucked me over.

She fucked me so hard that the fucking will have a lasting effect on my sleep schedule. She’s that good, folks.

(also Tumblr., I need that linebreak back.)

------------------- (<-- ugh)

So, last week I schedule two showings. One on Sunday at 9am and one on Monday at 1pm.

We also planned to go to Bmore to FINALLY deliver the coffee table to Leah and to start on my art project. 

- Side note: my art project is me visiting every single place I lived, taking a picture and then drawing the inside floor plans of what I can remember.

I also had work and a deadline at 2:42am Sunday morning. Look, I don’t make the deadlines. That’s why it’s early AM and is 2:42. Not 2:40. Not 2:45, but 2:42. ANYWAY....

We also needed time to clean, get sleep to wake up early for the showing AND rescue a cat.

So the schedule was:

SATURDAY

8AM - wake the fuck up

9AM - Drive to Bmore

11AM - Arrive in Bmore, do things

7PM - Leave Bmore

9PM - Arrive home and clean

10PM - Do assignment for me

SUNDAY

12AM - Submit assignment and SLEEP

8AM - wake the fuck up and last minute clean

9AM - show the house and sell the house on the spot

Here’s how Saturday went: 

9AM - Br finally decides to wake up

10AM - We start driving to Bmore

12PM - Bmore and things

9PM - Leave fucking bmore and decide it’s an all-nighter fo sho

11PM - Arrive home, fall asleep while typing the assignment

1AM - Finally submit assignment and determine that allnighters suck and there’s a better way! We go to sleep NOW. Wake up at 7AM. 6 hours of sleep is better than 0. THEN clean like hell for two hours.

GOOD PLAN RIGHT?

6:30AM - I wake up, eyes burn like hell, head says no, body dead.

7AM - literally fight with Brandon over who needs to get out of bed first so the other one can get out of bed. Then we clean.

8:40AM - Miss fucking Carrie texts me and cancels the showing.

Carrie you fucking vile bitch.

Not only did she fuck me by forcing me to wake up early and clean for her ass, but she also fucked me by throwing off my sleep schedule. Because at 

11AM - Fall asleep on couch and don’t wake up until 3pm.

Fuck you, Carrie.

Also this is all in Eastern time. I couldn’t fathom the Central numbers.

Also the showing for tomorrow canceled as well. At least Jeanette had the fucking decency to cancel more than 24 hours beforehand. Can we give a big round of applause for Jeanette?

-------

It’s fine. I’m fine. But I am salty. I wanted to send her a worded text message, but if there’s a chance she’ll give me coin, I’ll be nice. Ugh if I didn’t want this house to sell asap, I would fucking rip her a new one.

Still salty.

---------

I am going to use this time to get to work. I am probably going to be nocturnal for a while and I’m pissed, yes, but not scared. The night soothes me and it’s my natural element. Maybe I can get my ass on a roll with the moon.

I need to sit down and work. I’ve been avoiding my laptop. I feel that I am behind. That I’ll never catch up. It’s funny thinking this way. Like I’m soooooooo old at 24. That people younger than me are killing it and I feel like shit over that.

I have to stop comparing myself to them. My journey has been very very different.

So, I’m going to get some work done while I’m nocturnal. And see what happens.

I want to create a mini app where its a tiny log of your productivity day.

Just:

Exercise:

Worked on:

Learned: 

Read:

Every success, productivity, self-improvement book I have ever read (And I have read A LOT), tells me that every day you should read, learn and exercise on top of your actual work.

Exercise is good to keep you healthy, relieve stress and help you think through difficult problems.

Continuously learning new things and skills will keep you on top of your career, make you more marketable and advance you to new heights. So, always be studying something or always have a class you’re attending.

Reading every day helps expand your mind and vocabulary as well as teaches you skills. Nonfiction books are recommended to help your life. And yes, reading a book that teaches you something can count in the learning section. So go get personal finance, nutrition, career success, personal development, business or any other book in your field.

Fiction books are great too to help relieve stress and to focus on a different world for a while! 

------------

I’m cooking Chinese food today. I have the rice cooking. Vegetables steamed. And I'm going to make eggrolls and throw everything together. Get in my stomach.

I also finally made Dr. Greger’s drink after collecting ingredients for months lol. It’s very tart because I halved the erythritol he said to use. I only did so because I got powdered and not granulated. So, I figure halve it?

The recipe calls for 8tsp, so next time I’ll use 6tsp and see what’s up.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

15 memes for when you're an anxious wreck

Anxiety, like stubbing a toe, is an unfortunate part of life that can strike at odd times. 

Many things seem to cause anxiety. Coffee, work, the political climate, and ordering a sandwich at Subway can all potentially make someone weak with worry. Oh, and chemical imbalances. Those make people anxious, too. 

Sometimes the easiest way to deal is to try to find a reason to laugh it off. No, I'm not claiming that a meme or two will help your anxiety, but a good giggle can't hurt. 

Here are some (panic-stricken) memes and tweets to help you laugh a little. 

1. Never leave your higher self on read.

View this post on Instagram

🙄🙌

A post shared by GABI + MEMES (@sighswoon) on Oct 13, 2018 at 12:41pm PDT

2. That's one way of looking at it.

Anxiety is literally just conspiracy theories about yourself

— The Lot Wizard (@Yellowledbette1) March 10, 2019

3. Annndd that's another way of looking at it.

Anxiety is just spicy thoughts

— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) October 18, 2018

SEE ALSO: Little Mix singer Perrie Edwards opens up about living with anxiety in powerful Instagram post

4. My brain cells love colluding against me, especially when I get into bed.

View this post on Instagram

Stays up till 4 am

A post shared by Miss Bel-Air (@doyoulovethe2000s) on Mar 20, 2019 at 3:26pm PDT

5. My mental stability is definitely comparable to that cranky old lady skit from The Amanda Show.

me to myself: you need to get your shit together my mental stability: pic.twitter.com/NGnHLj37Zm

— adam (@brokeangeI) April 26, 2017

6. Sorry, I really have to take this call.  It'll only take several hours.

  View this post on Instagram

Me: My brain, spiraling: when u die u cease to exist and u will never experience anything again just the eternal nothingness of endless empty space

A post shared by Julia Hava🌹 (@binchcity) on Feb 4, 2019 at 2:03pm PST

7. I'd download it. Not sure if I'd use it. But I'd definitely download it. 

There should be an app like uber but instead of driving you somewhere they just come and hit you with their car

— Borgore (@Borgore) February 12, 2019

8. Follow! The! Script! 

When the person u want to text u is texting u but they aren't following the script u had planned out in ur head pic.twitter.com/tRujPlWXaK

— Black People Vines (@BIackPplVids) June 5, 2018

9. Wow, sounds like paradise. 

who wants to take a holiday trip with me? thinking about going to the bermuda triangle and just fucking disappearing

— Frank lotion (@702Austin) December 26, 2018

10. Cheetos are an anxious person's best friend. 

View this post on Instagram

i was downstairs with my parents and every sound they made raised my blood pressure for no REASON!! so i was like ok i'm going upstairs b4 i freak. and then i took a nap and stayed here for like 3 hours. but now i'm hungry so i wish i had those cheetos

A post shared by 💖✨ pixie tang ✨💖 (@pixietang) on Jun 23, 2017 at 7:17pm PDT

11. The birds are singing and so are my worries! 

Here’s a tip I use for waking up early: live in fear

— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 7, 2019

12. Belated RIP. 

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I've been dead since 2006

— Kyle (@Kyle1092) March 30, 2018

13. So what seems to be the problem today?

View this post on Instagram

I don’t think they can handle this 🧐

A post shared by Not Too Pretty (@nottoopretty) on Mar 24, 2019 at 7:40am PDT

14. The most common white lie ever. 

bold of me to constantly use the phrase “no worries!” when I am, in fact, constantly full of many worries

— h 🌈 (@hmbnzs) October 23, 2018

15. The panic heard 'round the world. 

A guy in class got called on to answer a question and after a short pause he says, “hang on, I’m not dumb I’m just panicking.” I felt that. The guy next to me felt that. Your mom felt that. The world felt that.

— Carson Braun (@cbraun3124) February 27, 2019

See? Wasn't that nice? Oh. You're still worried? Me too. Well, at least we tried. The best advice would be to, like Ariana Grande once sang, "Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathinnnnnnnn'!" 

WATCH: ‘Avengers: Endgame’ stars make emotional speeches at premiere

[trmcfarlin]

Harbin

Traveling by train, by myself, with 3 kids in tow, in a foreign country, was a whole new experience.  I must have checked their bags 5 times before walking out the door.  I was so afraid of forgetting something or losing them.  Our train left at 9:20pm  I had everyone shower since it was a night train and we would sleep on the beds of the train.  We had to leave from central Beijing, which is the busiest station.  The lines were long to pickup our tickets, so I had the kids wait with our bags while I got our tickets.  I kept looking back and seeing Connor and Carly fighting.  When we finally made it in, I bought the kids dinner and we found a seat in the waiting room.  It was so crowded and Camilla commented that a Chinese man was staring at her.  When we boarded the train, the kids were all bunked together.

I was in the bunk next to them with an old lady and her daughter.  I loaded the kids with snacks and then we all went to bed.  The little old lady watched movies on her iPad and fell asleep with the movies still playing.  In the middle of the night, my phone fell off the table and hit a metal trash can.  It woke up everyone.  We arrived in Harbin at 7:30am and we all felt pretty unrested.  

Immediately, when we walked off the train, it was cold.  We could see our breath.  We had to wait in a line for a taxi and I prayed that our hotel room would be ready early.  Our taxi got us to the hotel in 15 minutes and only cost me 11RMB.  We arrived at the hotel at 8am and I had to use a translator to communicate everything to them.  They said that our room was being cleaned so I told the kids that we should look for a place to eat.  We walked a half mile in the freezing cold to find a little Chinese shop owned by a nice lady.  We ordered all kinds of things that the kids liked.  I just told the lady that we wanted nothing spicy.  We ordered meat, dumplings, bread, and sweet potatoes.  I did some research and found that the ice festival was better to go to at night.  I figured that we wouldn’t make it to night if we arrived early because it was so cold.  So, I planned to go in the evening.  We all took a nap when we got back to the hotel so we arrived at the ice festival at 6pm.  

It ended up being perfect because the lines for the rides were really long when we got there.  

But, the lines cleared out around 9pm for the slides and bikes.  We saw horse carriages,

Fun Chinese Characters,

Ice Castles,

Ice Mazes,

Seesaws,

Snow Castles,

Soda machines made out of ice,

We went on a raft ice slide.

I saw the kids be completely carefree and have a lot of fun.  

Carly wouldn’t leave until they turned off all of the lights in the ice.  

We all had a lot of fun riding the bicycles on the ice.

The taxi experience was a bit crazy.  I was warned that taxi drivers will rip you off in Harbin. When I got a taxi to take us from our hotel to the ice festival, it cost us 14RMB. When we walked out to catch a taxi home, all of these taxi drivers surrounded me and were physically pushing me into their cars telling me it would cost 80RMB. I was so mean to them. The kids thought this was hilarious.  We ended up getting a taxi for 11 RMB.  We got to bed close to midnight.  We woke up and I took the kids to breakfast.  There was an older Chinese guy who kept asking Camilla questions in Chinese. It was just questions like, “How old are you? How many siblings do you have? I like your boots.” I was able to translate for her. She was so embarrassed. 

Harbin is in the Northeastern part of China and is the 8th most populous Chinese city.  It is very close to Russia and has a majority of immigrants from the Russian Empire.  They have a lot of Russian foods and stores.  

We went to Zhongyang pedestrian street where there were European Renaissance and Baroque style buildings.  

We tried Russian pudding pops, which were delicious.  We also got Russian chocolate.  The girls got glass dolls and Connor got a watch.  

Connor got to experience an authentic food street in China where people dance and make weird foods.  We actually saw fried starfish.  Camilla almost cried.  Then we wandered down the the Songhua river, where the ice was about a half a meter thick.  

The river surface was about 100 meters wide.  Carly sledded down the snow for al little bit and then we headed out to the ice.  

Everyone was walking around on it.  We immediately got surrounded by Chinese men trying to put ice picks over our shoes.  i actually told them, “No” (Mao), but they pushed them on us and pushed us out onto the ice.  Then, they asked us for 20RMB a person.  I knew that was coming and I said “Mao! Mao! Mao!”  They actually followed us until we walked pretty far away.  Geese! Harbin has a lot of scammers and they obviously see me as a target.  I am white and I have 3 kids.  

The kids ended up spending over 2 hours playing on that ice.  They would have stayed longer if they didn’t have to pee.  We were frozen to the bone so I took them indoors to get hot drinks and cheesecake.  Once again, the Chinese asked us to take pictures with them.

That marked the end of our trip.  We arrived back in Beijing at 2:40am.  I had to pay 200 RMB for a taxi, but I guess that is fair for 3am.  It was snowing in Beijing.  Next time, we are traveling to somewhere WARM!

[derangedroyalfae]

Feb 8, 2019 (as of 11:40AM)

1:35AM

He’s going to the backyard to think, and I’m thinking I didn’t think anything fucking through in my entire life. 

I’ve made the decision to check on him regularly twice a day, making sure he’s high functioning. I set 2 reminders, one around noon and one in the early evening. It’s not a check on how he’s feeling, more of to make sure he’s eating and taking care of himself. Last night, I let him get away without dinner and going to bed early since A. I literally just broke his fucking heart B. I know he ate at some point (though his body was clearly hungry and we both acknowledged it after his stomach growled).

Am I going to regret leaving him? Or is the regret for staying with him for so long?

I told him that I’m not sure if this is sorta like an “isolated incident” (not the choice of words I used) or actually me just being the terribly shallow person and this is who I am and will have to face for all my future relationships. That I will eventually just stop loving people when I no longer feel the need for them. 

Go away, Hollow, you’re not my friend. 

No matter what I said, I just couldn’t get him to demonize me. He used the “You can’t help the way you feel” line. 

I kept saying to myself this feeling will pass, but what if I regret all of this? I kept saying I wouldn’t, but we never can guarantee our future feelings. 

*up until the next morning, Hummingbird and Kitty were in a group chat with each other, but Jewel was a separate chat - however I was saying the same things to them for the most part*

Royal (02/0719 5:29 PM) I’m thinking of doing that talk with Nurd now. I’d rather get it out in the open sooner than later. Why let it build up and make things awkward, especially since I told the girls/you guys and I don’t want what happened to me where I felt so awkward and judged having been around people who knew I was going to broken up with. That being said, I’m not necessarily breaking up with him, I’m talking with him. I might end it with the proposal of breaking up or waiting a couple weeks or month for these feeling to possibly blow over, but I know if my partner was feeling this way, I’d want to know.

I was gonna do it Sunday, but 1. I’m coming out that day so why double stack? 2. It dawned on me that I’d be doing what was mentioned above since I’ve told the girls/you guys and we’re going to their/your place tomorrow.

Hummingbird (6:23 PM) Yeah having that talk before tomorrow might make it awkward. Either way we are here for you :purple_heart:

Jewel (5:38 PM) Makes sense, let me know how it goes

Also of course I totally relate to how you feel about wanting a guy that wants you as a guy

Royal (5:39 PM) A least I can say I gave it a week, which is more time than Nurd and I took to jump each other’s bones.

Though, I know I phrase it like it’s not technically a breakup talk, but if I was in Nurd’s position, the one I’m putting him in, I’d personally go with the break up option...even if I still loved them

Jewel (5:41 PM) Yeah, that makes sense

I probably would, as well, if I were in his position

Royal (5:43 PM) I’m his first everything, and that only makes it worse

Now, I’ll be his first heartache too

I almost feel like offering to wait is like hanging out a line of hope that could just be a rug pulled out from under him

But I feel like maybe I should give it a try, just maybe...I’m wrong, and it’s just another morning where I wake up angry at him for no reason

Jewel (5:45 PM) Honestly, I think you should just go into the talk without deciding the outcome, be it a line of hope or breaking up

Royal (5:45 PM) And I can end the night cuddling with him and apologizing for my unjust feelings, even though I was angry that morning

Jewel (5:46 PM) I get you

Royal (5:47 PM) A thought just occurred: But why would I wake up feeling that way?

If something wasn’t wrong

Why would I just randomly feel so upset or angry with him

Even before we got too far in

Jewel (5:48 PM) And it's not a general anger but specifically directed toward him?

Whenever it happens, that is

Royal (5:48 PM) Yes. I remember it happening that morning and just...I texted him before school telling him I felt so angry with him for some reason and I felt bad about it cuz I didn’t know why, I was just angry and I was angry at him.

We weren’t even living together at the time

And then there was over the summer, but we ruled it out to my hormones

But I just feel an overall annoyance with him nowadays, maybe not all the time, but half of it to a majority

Sometimes nowadays I just wanna punch him when he talks, what he says just gets under my skin, and the way he says it

Jewel (5:51 PM) Like, regardless of what he says?

Royal (5:51 PM) I know I haven’t been good at talking about these things, telling people about them, this is probably the first time you’ve heard it, but I’ve been feeling this way for a while

Not usually regardless, it’s usually on certain topics

But I’ve felt avoidant/annoyed by him regardless

Jewel (5:53 PM) Ah, gotcha

Yeah, I can understand why you wouldn't wanna talk about that

Royal (5:53 PM) But I’ve woken up now and it’s just

Almost like a mind fuck, sometimes a no brainer feeling, it’s so confusing

And I feel like a terrible person for it, I really do

I feel like a monster and heartless, like a real bitch

But it’d only be worse if I dragged him along and led him on. Playing the part is worse if I’m not actually the part.

Pretending is worse than not addressing. It’s unhealthy. It’s wrong.

And I’m the fuck doing this exactly a week before Valentine’s Day holy shit

Jewel (5:56 PM) Hey, it's a helluva lot better than on Valentine's day

Royal (5:57 PM) In my heart, I feel that I’ve already made the decision to break things off. I feel so melodramatic for it, but I’ve honestly felt that way this entire week, at least since Sunday.

I even wrote a song that makes it sound like I broke up with him already (though it could be more like I plan to)

And I’m just thinking that I could just be acting impulsive or that it’s the change of medicine, environment, routine, etc but why does it feel so real and so desirable?

Like, I feel like I actually want to not be with him, that I’d be free if I broke up with him

Jewel (6:04 PM) That's understandable

Royal (6:05 PM) The chorus is literally a reference to every song I wrote for him

"I kept you on the down low

And said you were my everything

You helped me find that happy song

And made my life a musical

I kept thinking we’re meant to be

Writing cheesy love songs

But I guess it wasn’t enough for me

When I lost that connectivity 

I broke your heart, so I’ll play my part as

The monster in this song"

Talk about going full circle...

He’s still my muse, whether or not I love him...

(I mean, I feel like I might still platonically love him, just to clarify)

Royal (6:38 PM) We talked, we cried, he said he’s known this was coming but was scared to ask

Jewel (6:43 PM) Are you done talking or it's still going on?

Hummingbird (6:44 PM) Oh... First question, are you ok? And second how did you end the talk (since you mentioned a couple possibilities)?

Royal (7:19 PM) He had gone to the bathroom when I sent that first message

He was crying so hard, and it happens off and on

We cuddled for a good amount of time

He asked if I’d stay in his room tonight, and I said yes

Perhaps a form of saying his last goodbyes I don’t know

Jewel (7:21 PM) Ah, okay

How do you feel?

Royal (7:22 PM) When he said that he’s been catching on, and how early he was noticing it, I felt so terribly validated in a way I never thought I would hurt...

I wasn’t alone in noticing

I thought I was making things up...he thought he was too

Jewel (7:23 PM) At least you both know you're not imagining things now

Royal (7:24 PM) I still feel like a terrible person, because I still feel so hallow

I just ripped out his heart

I might have just changed his entire fucking plan for life

But I’d rather that, than to have slowly rotted his heart with my artificial sweetener love, and not be able to provide what he deserves, and to get to the point where I resented and hated him because he deserve better than that

Hummingbird (7:27 PM) its  better to have short term pain instead of a life of spite

Jewel (7:27 PM) It's definitely better not to let things sit

Royal (7:27 PM) I know, but it doesn’t make hurt any less

Jewel (7:27 PM) Does this mean you decided to break up through the course of the conversation?

I understand

You do care about him regardless

Hummingbird (7:28 PM) I wont lie, the pain will take a while to pass.

Royal (7:29 PM) He noticed how happy I was talking to the girls/you guys...and how I hadn’t talked to him like that in a long time

He kept asking if he did something wrong. I kept reminding him this was completely me.

I never got into how I was feeling so...invalidated by him, how I felt a disagreement with his points of view, how I was bothered by how he treated me sometimes. Because those weren’t my real reasons at the end of the day, just a bonus.

No matter what, if we’re done tonight or done in a week or stay together forever, we will still be friends

And perhaps, we should have only been friends from the start

Jewel (7:35 PM) That's good. At least there's that, and you're not going to lose him forever.

Royal (7:41 PM) We say that, though, but there’s no guarantee

Trainwreck/Error said we’d be friends...though they are shitty people at the end of the day

I guess, Error and I did mend that relationship before I left

Jewel (7:42 PM) There's never any guarantee about anything, but regardless, having some hope is better than none

It will depend ultimately on how you both feel as time goes by

Kitty (7:37 PM) Catching up now..

Wow, that happened fast

It sounds like you're both ok... Emotionally drained, but ok

At least it's out in the open

Royal (7:38 PM) I asked him to promise me he won’t do something drastic

I know he’s never been a risk case, but I’m an anxious and paranoid person

Royal (7:44 PM) I felt just like that night all those years ago, it was the night after we talked about dating and I had been waiting for our ride after a show, I was laying on his lap and it was so hard NOT to kiss him. I knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t, but I wanted to so bad. As he held me in his arms, both of us laying down, it felt just like that again. For the same and opposite reason as the last...

I’m terrible

Jewel (7:45 PM) I just know you feel like an awful person for feeling the way you do, and I understand why, but it's also understandable how you feel

Royal (7:45 PM) I feel like I used him

Hummingbird (7:50 PM) I don't have the words to comfort you. I wish I could just hold you close.

 I know it can be tough not to lapse into doing what seems automatic. 

You are not terrible. People can fall into and out of love. It happens. You did not use him.

Royal (7:50 PM) At one point I had said, “I’m sorry if I fucked up your life...”

And he responded, “No. You gave me the best moments of it.”

Hummingbird (7:57 PM) You both will heal. It might take a while but you both will heal.  There will be things said either innocently or not that will cause pain.

I know just how tough it is. heck I was in a similar position 3 years ago. 

if you need us we are here :heart:

Kitty (8:02 PM) Yeah, 100%

Jewel (8:32 PM) Sorry I disappeared

Royal (8:37 PM) That’s fine, I did too

*once again, not a group chat, these are separate chats with Hummingbird and Jewel, but I was saying the same thing*

Hummingbird (02/08/19 8:43 AM) I love you!

How are you feeling?

Royal (10:04 AM) Love you too

Hummingbird (10:04 AM) :heart:

Royal (10:23 AM) I just keep feeling really guilty, cuz I don’t know what is or isn’t going to affect him to feel depressed. If seeing Araceli and realizing that now he’ll never be her uncle or that he’ll never have a family with me will set him off. If being around my family is just gonna crush him.

I don’t know and I worry it does. I feel so toxic and crushing to him right now, I put him in such an awkward position

But he can’t just pack up and move out with his family yet, he still has a job

I told him that we don’t have to tell my family anything yet until he’s ready. I didn’t want him to feel like he’s under pressured to leave because of them.

Jewel (10:26 AM) I’m so sorry this is all so much. You both really need time to heal from all of this.

Hummingbird (10:29 AM) The worry and guilt suck.  Not telling fam until he is ready will probably make it easier on him in the short term

As always I am here to listen if you need to vent, and there are lots of snuggles waiting for you  :heart:

Royal (10:27 AM) There’s nothing here that’s not going to remind him of the future I took from him

Hummingbird (10:31 AM) That may be true,  but having fam put extra pressure to move it would only make it worse

[rodrigohyde]

5 Outerwear Looks From Instagram's Most Stylish Guys

AskMen Selects: Weekly Looks to Shop

Here at AskMen, we take our mission to help you become a better man seriously. In the spirit of doing all we can to help you look and feel your best, we present AskMen Selects, a weekly initiative to bring you the best street styles, worn by the coolest influencers, for every budget. With our expertise in what's going on in style and grooming, to our trusted relationships with influential tastemakers, we’ll curate the items, trends, and ideas for you to shop every week.  

RELATED: These 12 Men Are Rocking Instagram With Their Inspiring Style

Our Influencers of the Week

Coming off one of the coldest weeks in U.S. history, we’re highlighting great outerwear for our inaugural edition of AskMen Selects to prove that you can have killer style no matter how low the mercury plummets. From lighter-weight jackets to more substantial coats, look to these guys to know what to wear to look cool while you keep warm.

After browsing through streetwear styles from around the world, here are our picks for the week of February 4.

Eliezer Infante

@elisoul01

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Eliezer Infante (@elisoul01) on Dec 6, 2018 at 1:50pm PST

Eli Infante’s lifestyle blog North of Man has grown from a personal style site into a full-on creative agency providing styling, photography, and creative direction to brands as well as other influencers. Well versed in the fashion industry thanks to his runway experience, brand collaborations, and modeling campaigns, he has shown time and time again that he can identify and integrate young, emerging brands — such as Computers New York, seen in his photo here —  with long-established brands such as Hugo Boss, another favorite from his feed.

“I enjoy a wardrobe that can make statements in a subtle way, but I also believe in dressing as vividly as possible,” Infante says. “This look, I would say, is one of many meeting points.”

We appreciate Infante’s eye for bringing together unexpected color combos, like this royal blue and black, as well as mixing outerwear by labels made up of classic tailored designs with those backed by a young entrepreneurial spirit whose designs are fresh. He keeps us guessing from post to post, and when we landed on this look — which at first glance was so simple, but upon further inspection was so skillfully assembled — we had to give him props.

Items to shop inspired by Eli’s look:

Budget

Gap Wool-Blend Herringbone Top Coat, $124 at Gap.com

Russell Pullover Hoodie, $22.99 at Amazon.com

Top Level Baseball Cap, $8.99 at Amazon.com

H&M Slim Straight Jeans, $34.99 at HM.com

Clea Gregory High Top Sneaker, $39.99 at NordstromRack.com

Baller

Rubinacci Double-Breasted Herringbone Wool Coat, $2,410 at MrPorter.com

404 Not Found Hoodie, $80 at ComputersNewYork.com

Outdoor Voices Doing Things Hat, $35 at OutdoorVoices.com

Brunello Cucinelli Slim-Fit Jeans, $825 at MrPorter.com

Koio Triple White Hi-Top, $350 at Koio.com

RELATED: Your Comprehensive Guide to Packing a Carry-On Like a Pro

Leo Chan

@levitatestyle

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A post shared by LEO CHAN ? NYC + LA (@levitatestyle) on Jan 17, 2019 at 4:21pm PST

Born in Hong Kong and based in New York, Leo Chan managed to do what many guys dream of but most don’t get to do: He left his job in finance after four years, and along with his girlfriend Alicia Mara, got a sponsorship project to travel the world for five months. Five years and 41 countries later, they are both still working exclusively on his blog Levitate Style, using their travels to Egypt, Portugal, Spain, and more as inspiration for stylish posts.

Travel is a throughline in most of Chan’s posts, not limited to our current favorite from a recent trip to Los Angeles. “This is an effortless travel outfit bringing the NYC monochromatic street style to L.A.,” he explains. “Wearing [some of] my favorite travel essentials — comfortable turtleneck shirt, plaid coat, ripped jeans, and Balenciaga speed sneakers — lets me go from all day exploring town to dinner with friends at night.”

Items to shop inspired by Leo’s look:

Budget

Topman Hayden Check Print Overcoat, $104.98 at Nordstrom.com

Poriff Casual Knitted Thermal Turtleneck, from $6.99 at Amazon.com

Tissot Chrono XL Classic, $249 at Amazon.com

Abercrombie & Fitch Super Skinny Jeans, $26.40 at Abercrombie.com

Adidas Men's Eqt Support Adv Fashion Sneaker, from $28.37 at Amazon.com

Baller

Dunhill Prince Of Wales Checked Wool And Cashmere-Blend Coat, $2,795 at MrPorter.com

Officine Generale Slim-Fit Merino Wool Rollneck Sweater, $310 at MrPorter.com

Tag Heuer Formula 1, $2,200 at CrownandCaliber.com

Balmain Skinny-Fit Distressed Stretch-Denim Jeans, $1,250 at MrPorter.com

Balenciaga Men's High-Top Speed Sneaker, $875 at BergdorfGoodman.com

RELATED: Need Insight on What to Wear This Season? We Asked the Experts

Bobby Hicks

@thisfellow

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A post shared by Bobby Hicks (@thisfellow) on Jan 3, 2019 at 9:10am PST

Take one look at Bobby Hicks’ Instagram or YouTube channel and you’ll see this guy loves the outdoors. Outside exercising, outside with his girlfriend, or outside with his dog, there is one thing that’s always true: The dude looks pulled together even though his outdoorsy look is easy and effortless. Rustic style can quickly skew to a functional place and leave fashion out of it completely. Hicks repeatedly shows how to tackle time outside well, whether it’s the up in the mountains or downtown.

“I love living in NYC, but I'm happiest in the woods, and this outfit just felt right in so many ways,” Hicks says about his ensemble we chose as our favorite. “I basically live in jeans, but always love to create a color contrast against the blue of the denim, to find complementary or triadic color schemes.”

This quintessentially cool-weather color palette is timeless and likely to never go out of style. He adds of his look: “During the fall, it's magical because your environment can then complement your outfit in ways that you can't find in the city.”

Items to shop inspired by Bobby’s look:

Budget

J.Crew Field Mechanic Jacket, $198 at JCrew.com

Amazon Essentials Regular-Fit Long-Sleeve Flannel Shirt, $18 at Amazon.com

Carhartt Watch Hat, $9.99 at Amazon.com

Abercrombie & Fitch Athletic Skinny Jean, $39 at Abercombie.com

Frye Gordon Lace Up Combat Boot, from $131.99 at Amazon.com

Baller

Belstaff Journey Jacket, $995 at Belstaff.com

Proper Cloth Scarlet and Black Ombre Plaid Flannel, $100 at ProperCloth.com

Coach Cashmere Beanie, $62.50 at Coach.com

3x1 M3 Selvedge Slim Straight Jeans, $285 at 3x1Denim.com

Crockett and Jones Radnor 4 Russian Grain Boot, $1,100 at CrockettandJones.com

RELATED: 7 Tips to Win the Battle Against Your Hair-Flattening Hat

Talun Zeitoun

@Talunzeitoun

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A post shared by Talun Zeitoun (@talunzeitoun) on Jan 14, 2019 at 7:29am PST

Born in Los Angeles with roots in France, Talun Zeitoun has become an influential voice in fashion. With a hairstylist mother who works with some of the biggest celebrities in the game, Talun had a unique exposure to the world not many kids can say they’ve had. His upbringing, along with being a true talent in his own right, has led him to be a sought-after authority in the luxury style space, allowing him to work with Coach, Christian Louboutin, and Saks Fifth Avenue, to name a few.

As you scroll through his namesake blog, TalunZeitoun.com, it quickly becomes clear he favors a calm, classic, neutral color palette when showcasing his style, and our outfit of choice is no exception.

“I'm into warmer tones when it's really cool out — I like the irony of it,” he says about his layers of the saturated shade of camel, a classic color season after season. “Plus, being efficient with fewer, but thicker layers helps minimize bulk and streamline a refined winter look.”

Items to shop inspired by Talun’s look:

Budget

Banana Republic Faux Shearling Coat, $198 at BananaRepublic.com

Asos Bershka Knitted Roll Neck Sweater, $32 at Asos.com

Jim Halo Aviator Glasses, $18.99 at Amazon.com

Uniqlo Stretch Selvedge Slim-Fit White Jeans, $49.90 At Uniqlo.com

Madden Men's Nathin Chelsea Boot, $74.99 at Amazon.com

Baller

Arje Neptune Reversible Shearling Jacket, $4,995 at arje.com

The Giacomo Chunky Cashmere Blend Turtleneck Sweater, $995 at Arje.com

Ray-Ban Aviator Glasses, $134.40 at Amazon.com

Rag & Bone Fit 2 Slim Fit Stretch Denim Jeans, $195 at MrPorter.com

To Boot New York Sheldon Shearling Lined Boot, $450 at ToBoot.com

RELATED: Why Every Man Needs a White T-Shirt (and How to Wear It)

Tommy Lei

@mybelonging

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A post shared by Tommy Lei (@mybelonging) on Jan 16, 2019 at 10:40am PST

One half of the brother-sister duo @theleisibs, Tommy Lei has an unlimited sense of self he shows off on his blog, MyBelonging.com. Whether he’s carrying a leopard print Jeff Wan bag the size and shape of a milk carton or stopping to pose with an iconic Versace print shirt tucked into his pink pants that perfectly match his hair, Tommy takes the laissez-faire attitude of Los Angeles and displays it for all to enjoy. But even in LA, outerwear can play an important role in his daily outfits of choice. We picked this understated combination due to its sophisticated simplicity.

“A shawl, wool coat is a great essential to have in any man’s wardrobe, so it’s paramount for me to invest in one that will stand the test of time and seasons,” says Lei. “The one I am wearing is from emerging LA-based label, Arcady, and their version of it is spectacularly tailored and just voluminous enough to be worn on both coasts.”

Another key to this coat’s success? Its camel hue, much like that seen in the post above, is a classic color that should be adopted by every man looking to dress well. Explains Lei: “Its camel tones are also particularly flattering on almost all skin tones and complexions, so naturally it makes second-skin styling that much more effortless.”

Items to shop inspired by Tommy’s look:

Budget

Laneus Belted Midi Coat, $329 at Farfetch.com

Gobiger Aviator Sunglasses, $12.99 at Amazon.com

H&M Reversible Shopper, $24.99 at HM.com

Zara Travel Jogging Pants, $49.90 at Zara.com

Fila Strada Disruptor, from $41.98 at Amazon.com

Baller

Arcady Belted Shawl Collar Coat, $695 at Arcady.com

Ray-Ban 58mm Metal Aviator Sunglasses, $168 at Amazon.com

Coach Metropolitan Tote in Saddle, $695 at Coach.com

Thom Browne Straight-Fit Unconstructed Chino Pants, $790 at MrPorter.com

Givenchy Jaw Neoprene, Suede, Leather, and Mesh Sneakers, $825 at MrPorter.com

These are the recent Instagram outerwear looks we thought rocked, but what do you think? What do you want to see? Do you have a look you like? Follow us on Instagram and Twitter and friend us on Facebook to share your best looks or tell us about someone we should check out. Tag us and use the hashtag #AskMenSelects to get our attention. Or e-mail us directly at Editorial@AskMen.com with “AskMen Selects” in the subject. Maybe next week, we’ll pick you!

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[remembermemorablememories]

Saturday, February 2, 2019

post #390

main points:

- woke up early with mom to drive to flushing

- eat a breakfast at nan xiang

- pick up jwoos and go to LGA

- flight to chicago! watched bohemian rhapsody on the plane

- try to check into airbnb but keys weren’t there

- eat snacks at a chinese restaurant

- check into airbnb after contacting host

- walk around the area and visit chicago mural and get turbo tacos for dinner

- walk along 606 back to airbnb

- chill in airbnb watching youtube videos (vine compilations LOL)

today i:

- woke up at 7:00am to my alarm. then brushed my teeth and packed it. then went downstairs to get ready and load the car. dad also woke up to help move the car out of the way/get ready to take sheena to rehearsal once she woke up later

- mom and i left the house around 7:50am, then stopped by wawa to get some coffee. i haven’t had coffee in a really really long time. but i was like oh well i’ll give it a try

- i drove us for about two hours into flushing. on the car ride mom told me more about our family history. how she met dad, why she thought dad would be the best, her friendship with my uncle/aunt, how other people pursued my aunt but ended up with my uncle, how she helped my other aunt in high school. it was really fun to learn about our family history cause they never really talk about these things. the two hour drive felt pretty short because of what my mom was talking about

- got to flsuhing and we found some street parking relatively quickly. we got some nan xiang soup dumplings, tofu skin, fried pancake roll thing, and scallion pancake + beef. it was soooo good, i really like that place. we were really efficient, getting in around 10am, and out by like 10:40am

mom drove us about 15 minutes to jwoos place to pick him up. we filmed a quick thing with us putting stuff in the trunk for like 3 minutes then left to go to LGA

- got to LGA hella early, like around 11:15am? the security line had literally 1 person in front of us. then we got checked in and got to our gate, with plenty of time left... so we just kind of hung around, listening to music on our phones and watching glitch 6 smash ultimate videos

- we boarded the plane around 1pm, and promptly departed at 1:30pm. on the plane they had bohemain rhapsody so i was like oooooh. i watched it for the whole ride (which was basically the entire duration) perfectly aligned for like two hours. the movie was really really great. i thought the way they told freddie’s story was so inspiring and heart touching. i teared up multiple times and also got goosebumps. i really got the sense that he was someone who was struggling with his own sexuality but still wanted so desperately to be in love with mary. and his love for music was unbounded. great movie and great performance. i looked up online afterwards to see how accurate the movie was and some key things were inaccurate apparently. rip. LOL. i guess ya gotta manufacture some drama anyway

- we landed around 3pm, then got my bag from baggage claim. cause overhead compartments were full so they offered free checked baggage (they forced me to do it basically)

- we ubered and got to our airbnb around 3:45pm. it would’ve been a short ride but there was heavy traffic, making the ride like 40 minutes. we got to the airbnb and when we tried to get the key from the lock box, the box was empty.... we tried to call the host and message him but he didn’t respond. so we were like... might as well get some food cause we’re so hungry. we found a chinese place just down the street and went there to get some small dishes as a snack cause we were really hungry

- once we got there, the host called us and told us to call him once we got back to the airbnb cause he has the key and they couldn’t get it in the box cause it was so cold. thankfully it’s like 40 degrees today in chicago. if it were below 0 degrees like last week, we would’ve been so pissed LOL

- we got back to the airbnb, met up with the host and he gave us our keys. then we dropped off all our stuff, and then walked out to look around logan square

we left around maybe 5pm ish, then walked towards a chicago mural on a wall which looked kind of iconic. we thought it’d be cool. it was like a 15 minute walk from the airbnb. i took some video and jwoos took some pictures. on the way we caught up and talked about how things were going, he talked about how things went with tina, sony vs nikon vs canon, track from middle school and high school, and some other stuff. it was a good time

then we walked over to turbo taco which was a couple blocks down and got tacos for dinner. i got three tacos, two pork and 1 steak and it was pretty good. jwoos got a burrito

then we walked back towards the airbnb, stopping by the 606 trail, since cici said it was like the NYC high line. it was pretty, but there was a bunch of snow on the trail. just a general note a lot of chicago is covered in dark slush cause of the snow from the past week :/ kind of like gigantic puddles at every sidewalk corner

- we took the 606 trail all the way back and then got back around 8pm. we just chilled at our airbnb for the night. we watched some genesis 6 gameplay. like armada, ally, mkleo, leffen. then watched some skits like scott sterling. then we watched a bunch of vine compilations, some roy purdy, and that was about it

i took a shower, typed up this blog post. it’s now 12:24am cst which is 1:24am est. i am ready to sleep. i am tired boi. we just watched leffen vs mkleo, what a hype set

good night

the end

[pravasiga]

January 2, 2019

   Lěng de bù hào chī (冷的不好吃): (Chinese): Cold (food) isn’t good for you.  

   This was the first year I did not count down to the start of a new year, huddled around the family TV as my brother and I (the only two who had not already gone to bed) watched Ryan Seacrest and a slate of celebrities dance around in clothes unbefitting of the New York’s bitter winter. The ball drop is not widely celebrated at my house – it’s just another passing mark of time. Traditionally, it means that it’s time to throw out the old calendar and scrounge around for the new one we somehow always manage to get for free from some Flushing marketplace or maybe somehow in the mail, advertising some random product. I am twenty-one years old and I’m still not sure where on earth my mother finds a new calendar each year. On another note, I am twenty-one years old and this is the first New Year’s Day that I did not count down – mostly because when hurtling through the air across time zones, you’re really not sure where to begin counting. I probably slept through it. The San Francisco-based crew wished us a Happy New Year as we exited the plane. My phone exploded with well-wishes when I finally connected with the airport’s (excellent) Wi-Fi.  It was January 1st, 7:40pm in Taipei, Taiwan when I left the aircraft. It was about 6:40AM in New York. Most of my family and loved ones were just beginning to wake up into the New Year. I had just about lost the first whole day of the new year stuck in a strange man-made time limbo of time zones and travel – neither here nor there.  I entered the New Year soaring through the sky, and my first steps on solid ground and into the new year were in a country that I had never been to.

    For a trip that I had such a strong cultural connection to, it is honestly surprising how little I had planned ahead for it. I had reviewed itineraries, I had checked visa requirements, and kept up with what was required of me, and yet I did not spend nearly as much time thinking hard about what I was getting myself into. Frankly, I am challenging myself to write again during this trip because now that I am here, I am stunned by how much I know and don’t know. How else do you describe a strange sense of coming home to a place where you have never been to?

   I have been lucky to have gone abroad two times during my time at Cornell – first to Lima, Peru and then to Mysore, India. For this trip, I am enormously grateful to Dustin Liu for organizing it, and I’ll go more into detail as the trip unfolds. I know how much travel inspires me not only in my academic pursuits, but truly as a strangely calming and yet disruptive force in my life. Clichés and all, I am a different person every time I disappear for a while across the borders. I shed some of the daily troubles for some new ones. Lack of consistent Wi-Fi and a new time-zone tends to silence the day-to-day influence of social life back home and the troubles waiting for me on campus (or in the inbox, it is hiring season after all). It is a luxurious silence to be deliberately untethered and I bask in it.

   So, I am writing because I am 1) all at once excited to share my thoughts and adventures with my loved ones, but more importantly 2) I have a feeling that I will be desperate to not lose these thoughts. In the same style of my previous travel posts, I will be reflecting and writing on whatever I want, whenever I want. If I could write an entire post a year and half ago about getting acclimated to walking barefoot everywhere, I still reserve the right to go off on any tangent I want. I am challenging myself to reconnect with culture and language. I am currently sitting in a Starbucks a few blocks from home, meticulously and frantically searching the internet and conjuring every little bit of my knowledge of Mandarin to pepper my writing with the language of my ancestors and the ancestors before that. (I’m getting some curious looks from people, but that might be because I literally ran into the sliding glass door…twice). Every post will begin with a Chinese phrase or word that jogs my imagination just a little bit. I thank you for your time in reading along and exploring with me, and I hope that it jogs your imagination just a little bit too.

 ************************************************************************************************

  Smell is the sense most directly linked to memory in the brain. Bypassing the hypothalamus unlike the other senses, the signal buries straight in the hippocampus, creating a powerful connection between scent and history. You can walk down the street and be hit with the faintest hint of house cleaner and remember a childhood home, or maybe just a recent hotel room stay. As I waited next to a tiny little street-side food cart late at night, watching them take orders of several other customers, I let the deep aromas of fried meat, fish, starch, and sweet spice take me far and deep back to a childhood that was ruled by incredible food. It is a smell of crisp, bubbling oil and juicy chicken. There is something comforting and familiar about the pungent smell and I can’t stop taking deep breaths of it. In that moment, I was standing in Taiwan, but my mind was wandering through the old food courts of Flushing Mall (RIP), my twelve-year-old self waiting anxiously in line for her salt and pepper chicken meal. It was my favorite order at the time, after all. I was a little too young at the time to feel quite comfortable standing in a thick crowd of other Flushing families and visitors, and just like now, my Mandarin Chinese just polished enough to order exactly what I wanted through rehearsing the phrases I heard my father say. I said hello, salt and pepper chicken please, thank you, goodbye. I hadn’t smelled a scent this strong in what felt like absolute years. On an empty stomach, it was impossible to resist leaning closer. 

  Dustin asked had asked me multiple times what I was craving and I truthfully answered that I was craving well, everything. A hungry stomach doesn’t discriminate much, but it was also the complete truth. Every other time I had travelled abroad, I had played it safe. No ceviche in Peru for fear of incompatibility with my stomach and a strong command to avoid the street food in India, a warning seconded by seasoned friends back home. Not here though. How could you say no to food that smelled and tasted just like home? 

  I clutched my oily paper bag of fish cakes, chicken, and corn cobs, all flash fried and coated liberally (but not too liberally because yours truly can’t handle spicy things), with a sweet, spicy red powder mixture, like it was the last thing I’d ever eat. And later that night, politeness and custom aside, that’s exactly how I ate. The first bite was irresistible. And the next one, and the one after that. Strips of fried chicken I tore off the bone, each coated with a pale golden yellow coat, fried to a soft crisp. It was salty and peppery, with just the right amount of greasy oil. In the creases near the bone were pieces of the fried dough mixture that felt like pure and wonderful gluttony just to eat. I don’t think I’ve ever picked a piece of chicken cleaner in my entire life. The fried fish cakes were light, airy, and chewy – covered in the same spice mixture as the chicken. It felt like a tougher French fry, but I’d choose it over French fry any day. The chopped corn cob pieces disappeared one by one – lightly fried sweet, fresh corn that was burned just the right amount at its edges. Buttery, satisfying, and with a slight hint of caramel. It was by all accounts a sloppy meal and it was glorious.

  Like most fried food, you need to eat quickly. After all, lěng de bù hào chī. I’ve always found that heat in Chinese food comes straight from the fire more than anything else. It’s also a phrase that I have not yet quite found the equivalent for in English. There is a literal translation – when the food is cold, it won’t be good to eat. It has been uttered at so many of my family meals and gatherings. Maybe it’s just a my family thing, or a universal thing – I’m not sure. But in my home, it is the in thick of the frenzy that opens the meal and the reminder that my mother, my father, my grandparents, and uncles and aunts all will tell the younger ones repeatedly. Chopsticks and serving utensils battle in the airspace over the table as bowls and plates piled high with food are moved around the table in haphazard manner. As I sat down to write this, I toiled over what to title my piece – after all, all my old blog pieces all started with an uncommon word, usually of English origin, to you know, set the mood. (I also really, really like words). This was the first phrase that came to mind – lěng de bù hào chī. It felt almost a little silly, so I ignored it at first, but I kept coming back to it. It took me a little time to realize why – because it’s more than just some good advice when it comes to eating. 

  When my family intercepts me as I reach across the dinner table for something and tell me, xiān chī zhè ge (先吃这个) “eat this first”), they push another plate of food closer to me and say, lěng de bù hào chī. The tone is always a cross between nurturing and an urgent statement. There is usually no relenting of this phrase until the food in question is indeed eaten. I tossed the ubiquitous phrase around in my head for a little bit and finally, I realized that it was an act of love. They say it without thinking and yet the meaning and intent is always, always clear. Because we care, we want you to eat well. 

  Food is critically and vitally important to my family and my culture. As an American-Chinese growing up in a neighborhood where I am never quite the majority and the local scene is dotted with more fast-food take-out than authentic cuisine, food is the most solid and important link back to my ancestors. There is something indisputable about this connection and it isn’t something that was easily stolen from my family as we crossed oceans and borders. We joke that Asian cultures sometimes make it difficult to outwardly show affection – we don’t say I love you like I’ve seen in TV shows and movies about other American families. We do not kiss and hug when we leave for school in the morning. Our ways of showing affection are sometimes manifested in ways that are awkward and distant to Western gaze. And as weird as this reference sounds, in the wildly popular Subtle Asian Traits meme group, my favorite post is this – the re-post where the prompt is to say and convey “I love you” in three words, without using I, love, or you. The original poster simply wrote: “come and eat”. I believe truly that the post is wildly popular because it strikes at something many of us in the Asian diaspora understand – we are a people who show love through our food and through feeding our loved ones well. 

  When my parents tell me to eat my fish first instead of going straight for the vegetables, it’s not just a gastronomical piece of advice, it’s a statement I’ve learned is seeped in centuries of love – to enjoy this meal best, please eat this first. We want you to eat well. It runs deeper than the common courtesy of letting other people start eating before you do. It is a distant linguistic cousin to the act of leaving the last piece of dim sum for someone else even though you really, really, really want it too. I figure that it’s because lěng de bù hào chī is not a polite custom like the others – it’s truly in a league of its own. The purpose of the former two customs are more about appearing less like the rude one at the table. Lěng de bù hào chī is selfless. Lěng de bù hào chī is uttered all the time in my household. It is so common that it surprised me when the phrase came up as the one I knew I wanted to write about. I find myself repeating it to my little brother and my younger cousins all the time too now as I become older and the head of the kids’ table at holiday dinners. This is how we show care in the ways that matter. 

  With this phrase, we yield to our loved ones to go ahead first. We usually follow this up by heaping helpings of aforementioned food onto their plates despite protests. Predominantly from the elderly to the youngest at the table, but also just as frequent from child to parent. Do take that first piece of fish, or steak, or slice of the bā bǎo fàn (八寶飯) cake, straight from the steamer. Here, the tāng yuán (汤圆) won’t be fresh if you wait too long. Here, you can have the first piece of pork belly straight from the huǒ guō (火锅), it’s still hot. It won’t taste good anymore if you don’t eat it now. Sometimes its lěng de bù hào chī because they know you’ll get a stomach ache trying to eat sticky rice when it’s not hot enough Other times it’s because it literally will not be chewable when it’s not hot and no way on my dime are you wasting this piece of good steak. But absolutely all of the time, in setting the meal in front of me, my parents are giving me the chance to enjoy the experience first at its freshest and warmest. I have never seen my parents or grandparents go straight for the best food on the table without telling my brother, cousins, and I to eat it first. My parents have spent years cooking us dishes that had more expensive ingredients or were things that they loved too, but gave to us children first. I use fish as a prime example because my dad, as long as I remember, has always carved out the two smooth pieces of cheek meat in the fish (yes, we steam the entire fish, head to tail!) and put them on his children’s plates. It is a diplomatic process each time, routine like clockwork. My parents never ask for it, even though they know it’s a particularly good piece of the fish. It is a tiny piece, dipped in some of the soy and scallion sauce, but it is a wonderful bite of the fish – smooth, strong, and apparently like all Chinese lore, good for you. 

  Lěng de bù hào chī is also a pretty good way of describing how to approach my time here in Taiwan, the first Chinese-speaking country that I have been to in over a decade. Quite literally speaking, I would be a fool to wait on the good things here, lest I let them pass me by. I do a bit of a hard 180 here to address one of my biggest goals in Taiwan (and no, it is not just to inhale all the food in sight, though I am very willing to attempt this) – to re-establish my connection to my language and culture. My mandarin is like a strange fifth limb of my mine that is sometimes functional, often times awkward, and yet utterly impossible to detach. My first words were all in Mandarin. I was raised through a strong and consolidated effort of my parents and my grandparents. When I was younger, there was a time of genuine concern that I might not actually learn English since I babbled constantly and consistently in Mandarin. It seems like a strange past, because Mandarin now is both instinctual and foreign to me. My command of the language is through an ingrained mimicry as opposed to genuine understanding. My Chinglish at home is on point – we call out in a rapid mix of Chinese and English and depending on how mad my parents are, we also get disciplined in a mix of Chinese and English (though the angrier they get, the more Chinese gets thrown in until we reach a point where I am no longer able to comprehend what they’re telling me. I nod out of fear of asking for a translation). 

  I still stumble over my own tongue when I need to speak in Chinese to a non-relative or to a native speaker. When asked to speak, I often bravely attempt to mumble something and wait to feel an embarrassment that seems to be deeper than just social.  I am immensely aware of my American-ness, the unshakeable accent that gives me away when my words fail to have the same smooth lilt, and a vocabulary that struggles beyond basic topics of school, home, and family. I stop mid-sentence only to realize I am translating English to Mandarin instead of truly speaking in my mother tongue. I spent a comparable number of years in Chinese school to French classes (about 7 years, each) and even though I was writing complicated arguments in French by the end of high school (thanks to incredible teachers!), I still consider myself more fluent in spoken Chinese. French is a mechanical skill I know in my brain; Chinese is child-like reflex I know in my heart. As broken as my Chinese is, it still rises unbidden through me, a call into a world that has still not quite decided on my American-ness or Asian-ness. I know the only way to get better is to push through and to grab every moment I can to practice, before they fade away. I chat as often as I can – and luckily most locals give me that chance and are patient when I lose my words and need to linguistically flail about. I am, after all, not the only wài guó rén (外国人) they will deal with today. For now, I am incredibly lucky to be in a country that is so English friendly. It affords me a little luxury to navigate a little bit, amongst the few blocks around our apartment. I remarked to Dustin today that it almost seemed to be the ultimate pass – to be in a country so obviously different than my own, and yet given more than enough hints along the way. I have stared at each block of Chinese text that I’ve passed intensely (mostly subway signs), willing myself to remember characters, even if I have to cheat and use the English translation or pīnyīn for context. I truly think that my greatest mistake during this trip was leaving my trusted Chinese-to-English dictionary at home – I really should have thought ahead and remembered it. (Fun fact, I was quite the speed demon during my Chinese school competitions amongst students who could utilize the dictionary the fastest. I absolutely assure my non-Chinese speaking friends that a Chinese dictionary is nowhere near the same as a phonetic one and this is my weird flex but okay, but your girl is good at this shit). When we left the food stall where I got my late night snack, I took a copy of the order sheet – it is all in Chinese except for the row at top that states the stall’s phone number and Line handle (I still have no idea what Line is). I am hunting down a Chinese-to-English dictionary as we speak and though it is rudimentary and slightly amusing to think about, I am looking forward to carefully eking out each pictogram and piecing together a translation of this food menu.   

  Food will be a pretty constant topic for me through this trip, because it is without a doubt the firmest link I have to the country I am in now. Where my tongue fails to speak, it’s pretty great at recognizing taste. I have made it through the entire first post without even telling you all about the rest of Taiwan or why this food to language connection truly matters to me – and don’t worry, I will (or if you are already sick of these long personal essays, I don’t blame you). But I also am grateful for a space to stay true to my train of thought and to allow for you all the experience what I’m experiencing, as I experience it. As I’m settling here, I can’t pretend that food is the first thing on my mind right now – because it truly is the most familiar things that hook you first. I know that I am here because I am on a service trip (and don’t get me started, I am so excited), but I recognize that this is in many ways, also an important trip in processing my own identity and experiences. I am navigating a complicated and new awareness of my Asian-American self. I don’t think I truly had that time to think about it, and I am looking forward to exploring. Taiwan and China are not equivalent, and yet there are deep roots across both that speak to me in a way that I have not felt in a very, very long time. Trips to the home nests of Chinatown and Flushing have given me distant echoes – but in many ways, I know I am starting to look for the source. I truthfully am absolutely lost in the hyphen of my own existence, but I am looking forward to sharing this journey with you. In the meantime, when you sit down to eat today with people you love, don’t be afraid to share a little with those around you. As I navigate a new country and new experiences, I hope that you also take some time to grab life by the horns and to go out on a limb. Life is a strange feast, and because I am sharing this meal and table with you all, it’s my joy to remind you to eat while it’s still hot, because lěng de bù hào chī.

Be well and take care.

Nǐ de péng yǒu (你的朋友) -  Your Friend, He Yun Qi (何蕴琪)

PS: While we out here, might as well go the full hog and sign off with my full Chinese name (or as we move along, probably just my Chinese nickname). Also, I know social media is skeptical about oversharing and whatnot, but I truly find a lot of power and self-assurance in sharing openly about my experiences. I promise the next post will be more than just food (though I will also keep a running log, as per tradition, in my post-scripts).

PPS: (Soup)er honorable mention – I ate Michelin star Xiao Long Bao soup dumplings today at Din Tai Fung! I am still absolutely in love. XLB is also something that my father regularly scoops into our soup spoons before he takes his own because, as you guessed it, lěng de bù hào chī. Especially if they’re the ones with crab meat in it – you really don’t want that cold! Also, my dad always chides us if we eat ours without vinegar – because it really makes a huge difference.

PPPS: I literally also considered writing an entire post about Xiao Long Bao because that alone is a story of multitudes. It starts with Rachel Ray, includes a meme post that makes me boil in anger, and ends with hipsters in New York. I might go for it at some point if y’all really vibe with these hellishly long personal essays about my obsession with food.

PPPPS: My jet lag is doing alright, thanks for asking! I’m only about 4 hours off. The time zone difference between Taiwan and New York is 13 hours! Which also means that between lack of Wi-Fi at the house and the nearest Wi-fi being the aforementioned local Starbucks I will be slow to respond to everything. However, Taipei has free Wi-fi everywhere and I'm still really, really, REALLY jealous. 

PPPPPS: I am genuinely happier here than I could ever truly articulate. Also, there’s a cat that’s always yowling outside my window at night. Please send name recommendations.

[dolldirector]

Tagged in a thing by @minhyriath, and @adreamofmirrors thank yoouu ^^

1) age- 21 2) biggest fear- Being stranded out in the open ocean (scared of large bodies of water, scared of aquatic creatures, aaaand I can’t swim. RIP) 3) current time- 01:51am 4) drink you had last- Malibu & coke 5) everyday starts with- me fighting with my 3 or 4 different alarms for far too long, then a cup of tea is required IMMEDIATELY. 6) favourite song- currently I’m really into The Great Pandemonium by Kamelot. 7) ghosts are real? I don’t think so 8) hometown- a small, boring-ass (but still somewhat charming) town on top of some hill in South Wales. 9) in love with- music and my fucking incredible friends 10) jealous of- People who can actually just wake up and get up. Getting out of bed is a fucking war every day :l 11) killed someone? Wow, jeez, no, at least I hope not 12) last time you cried- Shed a few tears last night for no real reason. The last time I properly cried was when I disassociated in some club whilst totally smashed… yep, it was definitely time to leave (praise heaven for friends who pick up on those things and just sorta quietly take you aside to cool down) 13) middle name- Lauren 14) number of siblings- One younger brother and one slightly-less-younger sister (@thebeaniestmeever) 15) one wish- That I could reduce any sadness or suffering of the people around me 16) person you last called/texted- My mum to inform her that my train was leaving (she was picking me up at the station) 17) questions you’re always asked- probably “what’s disassociating?” “What’s raynauds syndrome?” (Its a thing that makes me feel cold more than other people, and makes my hands lose blood circulation). Probably also what I do in uni and what games I play. 18) reasons to smile- Friends, family, music, art, the fact that I’m alive… 19) song last sang- see, I sing almost constantly so I struggle to actually remember what I’ve been singing all day. Last one I remember was Fallen Star by Kamelot. 20) time you woke up - About 9:40am 21) underwear colour- r00d! White tho. 22) vacation destination- Fucking everywhere. Top of the list are various Scandinavian locations, of course… I’d also love to see much more of Europe than I have. 23) worst habit- Scratching my arms and shoulders when I’m stressed, which ends up leaving small cuts and shit sometimes 24) x-rays you’ve had- several at the dentist’s, and one of my foot when we thought I’d broken it (I’d just fractured a toe) 25) your favourite food- sweet potato fries. Kabocha katsu. Anything with marzipan. 26) Zodiac Sign- Virgo I believe

I’ll tag: @thebeaniestmeever, @rammchickk, @hobbitsmind and @bromhamsam for now, do as you like :3

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #1: “"So it's time for me to channel my inner-straight guy!" - Brian

is it time to die already? a fake tribe was taunted, the tribe is split half US half europe so that is going to be a pain, its 1:40am as i write this and in all honestly i just want to sleep and coast till merge. bet that won't be happening tho RIP me and dig me in a grave huh. Oh and I thought I knew the keaton but I didn't lol. I am MESS

It’s really good to be playing a game again. My goal for now is to try and bond with my tribe and hopefully make alliances to keep me in the game. Right now talking to Dennis. He seems really cool, wouldnt mind working with him.

So just from the start i can already tell these players I'm with are easy going for the most part... I over all really like the tribe and can see a very solid chance that I can work with a lot of them if not all! But for the sake of this confessional having value... I'd also like to add that I'm worried that due to the laid back tribe (atm) that I might have a hard time building the connections to get in an alliance without making it due to the fact making an alliance is a very bad idea early on!

Okay so let's just get some thoughts out of the way My tribe is...interesting. I LOVE BRIAN. Well actually I love his boyfriend but still a great foundation from my side to work with him because I know he is a super sweet guy. Dennis is weird. I want to work with Nicole just because I like to work with womana because it brings me closer to God. Everyone else is irrelevant. Absolem is okay. Nathan is hilarious. He better not flop because I want to be best friends. Annabelle is the love of my life. But we did just play an ORG together that got a little messy...so idk how willing to work with me she is. Jayden said things about sports so there is no chance of us being friends. And...everyone else is irrelevant. Madigan: I stan Matt. He had the best intro out of all of us. He's a nut and I love that. I thought I knew who he was...but it turns out he's a different Keaton...and now I'm confused by the popularity of that name...Anyways, BC be still my fucking heart in an ANGEL and I want to be friends. Marie is a star in my ORG community and I always stan her. So I lowkey love this tribe and I wish i was on it. Overall...I'm ready to get this game going.

Okay so i'm normally super good at Selfie Scavenger Hunts...but this one is tough. There are a lot of hard items on here. And because it's Day 1 I don't know if I can rely on anybody on my tribe to pull their weight...guess we'll find out.

Okay I jumped the gun on Dennis. He's not weird. And he seems like he'll be a good tribe member. Not too interested in working with him, but hopefully we win a bunch and that won't matter.

so the cast is cool so far from what i saw a mix of a few faces i recognize and a few i don't which is cool because i play best when i don't know anyone i think so we'll see how this goes hopefully we win immunity and there's nothing to worry about!!

Okay so I really might have judged my tribe too soon. Charlie is a drunken riot. And Maynor seems really chill too. We have a good group. Now let's just hope we're good in challenges.

First impressions: jayden: bad music taste but likes tea kind of hard to talk to but i will get the best of him annabelle: league player?? we stan!! nathan: played once before him dont remember if we were allied but um likes drag race wooh ignored me to go watch it https://66.media.tumblr.com/0640fc1858852ee803cc45252f782259/tumblr_pk6xsgLbtq1szcwcho1_1280.png cole: said "omg ur the cole from skype love ur lipsyncs" they said yes. turns out thats not them. why lie??? nick: seems fun idk

I think my tribe is very cute ! I can already see that a couple of them are big suck ups but I hope I can use that to my advantage. I low key want to go to tribal council but I think the safest thing to do is try our best as a tribe for this first challenge and not seem weak! So I will try my best

So yay Selfie Scavenger Hunt. My favorite... I should be fine if I play a solid social game and dont score too low (right?) Also me and Nick same tribe we runnin this shit.

I like my tribe so far it's the most active tribe I have had by far.  The challenge is pretty good though and I hope we can win it and be safe.

So day 1.  This is... ahh... I'm so nervous for this game!  I have been looking so forward to playing this, but I just feel like it's going to be a rocky upward battle to make it deep... I'm trying to relate and talk to these people, and I feel like I can maybe do it with some of them... but I also know I'm like "WIGGG" and "TEAAA" and "SHJDGJHDGJ" all the time, and I just don't know if this is the tribe to act like that around... I also don't really have anyone to fully confide and trust in.  I do have people like Marie on the other tribe, but I just... ahh....

Ladies and gents, I want you to know that I refuse to go home pre-merge, and I will fight tooth and nail to make it to merge and then day 39... even if it requires me to grow up and act like a real human... I will do my best... I don't wanna let y'all down, but I also don't wanna let myself down.

So like after my antics last night, I feel like I am in a good shape. My intro amused many on my tribe which is good, and they all like me, which is EXTRA good! I feel like im on the cusp of something atm, but i am still wary of course. BC and James are my faves atm, with Marie and keaton also. But Marie, Keaton and john aren't really giving me anything but i am still gonna try. Im here to F****** win (or at least make jury but we shall see about that LOL)

this tribe in a nutshell me: "alright guys! super excited to play some Survivor with you all!! woohoooooo lets do this yeah!!!!!!" BC: "yeah!! I also like to do the surviving!!!" matt: "yeah LMAO" keaton: "..." marie: "..." john: "...okay but have you considered: Skyrim"

idk what's up with this tribe. am I setting my expectations too high? did I do something to piss everyone off?? I just want to play survivor but no one seems to want to engage with me.

BC's the only reason I'm sane atm. he's a sweetheart, we've had a few fun chats already and he seems like good company. we've gotten on the same page and realized that we're probably the two chattiest players on the tribe and should stick together. Matt isn't awful. he's funny, and I can just meme at him most of the time and he seems fine with that. wish I could get a little more out of him though. I'll give Marie a pass because she's been legit busy and hasn't had much of a chance to respond to stuff. from what little I've heard from her she seems nice. apparently she's new to discord survivor just like me, so I might be a little biased in wanting her around. I wanted Keaton to be great - he's a Kirby, I'm a Kirby, so we already had something working for us. but he's not giving me anything to work with. I'll bring something up to talk about and he'll shut it down almost immediately, in a way that makes me worried I'm getting on his nerves or something. idk, maybe our personalities just clash? but atm with Keaton my mood is zzzzzz and then there's John. I get the impression that John just doesn't give a shit. he spent all of the first night playing skyrim and ignoring me, and he hasn't said much of anything to me today. his intro and his rant show that he knows how survivor works, so why isn't he putting any effort into talking? idgi. :/

soooooo yeah that's this tribe. BC and I have teamed up, we've talked about roping in Matt as a third sometime soon. I wanna give Marie a chance as well, even talking to her tonight she's not that bad. but I'd probably be fine with voting out Keaton whenever, and I want John to go asap.

I was called Keaton from Facebook and mistaken for Maria on my tribe. This game is going great for me so far.

So far making bonds with Brian, Charlie, Dennis, and Sharky (Matt). I genuinely like them. No game talk just yet. But i wouldnt mind alligning with them. Havent talk to Nicole yet. So i need to start. Hopefully we are good and win this first immunity.

Okay top of Day 2. We're plunking away at this challenge. It's weird because since we all have our own lists we aren't talking very much... Charlie, Nicole, and Maynor are still yet to upload anything so I hope they get it together soon.

I feel like my tribe is being lazy rn like I did three tasks and I gave up because i only saw one other person doing shit!  and they can GOOO if they are going to be like that! OVER IT

no one pm's me first and when i pm them i have to keep the conversation going and it stops after like 5/10 minutes so um thats fun. really hoping we win immunities until a swap or sth. or maybe we intentionally matsing and then i just get rid of all the ppl who GHOST me. the only person who had a real conversation with me today was jayden and even that was super short and ended with him leaving me on read so um.. i guess im just super popular obviously. reading this back its gonna look so cringe NNN but this is how i FEEL

Ok so another update! So today I approached Bryce who seems like a amazing guy and I asked if we could work together and he said yes! So I hope this is a relationship that can last

I still feel kinda... like an outsider looking in.  It's only day 2, but I just feel like I have so much I need to change about my social game already.  I'm normally a crackhead when talking to people and can find those one or two people to be crackheads with, but I think I literally have to go through a complete change in order to succeed.  I need to be more ... adult?  If that makes sense...

So it's time for me to channel my inner-straight guy!  I need to just be cool and casual and normal and not be the uber obsessive Ariana stan I normally am or... "wig" this... I know I touched on this in my first confessional, but it's even more true now... I'm finding talking to some of these people a lot more challenging because I have to kinda flick on the normie switch.

Ahhh... this is going to be one hell of a ride…

Honestly I am REALLY happy where i sit in this game. I have a solid alliance of 3 with BC and James which is already good. I have a feeling we will end up at tribal, however I am not too worried because i feel like there will be some clear targets like Keaton or John. Marie is kind of laying in the middle but I know what a good player she can be so im keeping my eye on her.

Honestly I am REALLY happy where i sit in this game. I have a solid alliance of 3 with BC and James which is already good. I have a feeling we will end up at tribal, however I am not too worried because i feel like there will be some clear targets like Keaton or John. Marie is kind of laying in the middle but I know what a good player she can be so im keeping my eye on her.

Ooo girl. Do I have tea for you? LMFAO. I would make a video, but I have a lot to talk about, so you'll have to read for now.

where to even start? like LOL I guess I'll start with... this tribe fucking sucks. Literally can't stand it. And b4 someone says... "ew bboy it's b/c you don't have anybody you know huh??? you relying on meta!!!" no it's not because of that. well, sort of...

i play these games to meet new people so being on a tribe of new people doesn't phase me too much. it's that i don't like it when the tribe is inactive. like half of the people don't talk to me so it's kinda hard to do a cast analysis but I'll do one then get to the tea.

keaton: nothing really to say about him cuz I don't know him. I literally messaged him and it was SOOOOO hard to hold a conversation with him. then, I confused him with marie cuz he was kinda forgettable. thank you, next john: girl bye. idk if there's something wrong, but like john literally does not message me. and like i'm fine it's ok whatever, like i'm fine i'm fine I'll be fine, but still girl... seriously??? I would say "hey john! how are you doing?" and he'd be like "good." HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH THAT? LAGHALHG marie: I actually like her a lot. we get along prob cuz we're both similar - she's quirky, I'm quirky. quite the combo. we don't have any set alliance or anything, but I definitely don't want her to leave before dem inactives -.- matt: I like him... enough. he's cool and we chatted for a bit yesterday and the first day. there really isn't anything else to say but he's kinda fun??? i guess idk laghlahg but yeah there's that james: i'm prob the closest to him on the tribe. we just vibe so well together and I really do like him a lot. he's funny and chill and he was the one who initiated the alliance, to which I was like "yess girl add me in!!!" idk what else to say, because although matt/james have been more active, I jjust haven't had many convos with them individually yknow

but the little alliance we have going on is cute. <3 the name = Transcontinental Trio. It prob won't last (just being honest) but if it can get me past these few couple of rounds before the swap, I'll take it. my goal right now is to win these next few challenges and hope we don't have to go to tribal before the swap. if we do, I'd rather see john leave before keaton, because I think there's a relationship to work with keaton whereas I don't see one with john unfortunately

the tea that I have to spill is really just bitching about my tribemates I mean come the FUCK on y'all!!! wtf is the point of joining an ORG and then not talking to anybody. like does that make any fucking sense??? literally like... nnnn what is the matter with you? John infuriates me b/c like bitch if you don't have time sweetie, stick to playing Skyrim or w/e the fuck you play. my mood was when he sent us a pic of something happening in the game (idk what it was it looked dumb af) and literally NO ONE replying. like yes stick to his boring ASS!!

on top of all of that, no one (excluding my alliance) talks about anything of substance. like sure it's only been 3 days but y'all can at least find SOMETHING to talk about. i'm just so goddamn frustrated

that's it. I'm tired of bitching. i'll confessional again after results. hopefully we win or imma have to pop a bitch.

Okay we're closing in on the challenge deadline! I've gotten a ton of points. Dennis/Brian/Maynor all also posted a bunch so I'm hoping this is enough to keep us safe. Idk what Nicole is doing? But she better post something. ANYTHING really.

Where is Nicole? Like...girl, are you good? Wtf

omg so. based on nathans and nick's talking in the tribe chat they seem to know each other/mutual ppl. i will break their bond and make sure they want to work with me instead of each other. even if nathan hates pm'ing me and nick was fine to talk for a bit yesterday but today seems to hate me!

The scores are locked in. Hopefully we had enough points to keep us safe but Nicole didnt turn anything in. Hopefully nothing too bad happened. But i think if we do lose, maybe Nicole being first boot isnt too bad. Hopefully everyone thinks the same.

Okay so we demolished. Lucky for Nicole because she didn't contribute at all. And she didn't tell us she was abstaining. I'm sorry...you didn't have time to take a selfie with your cat? Bye.

MY MIND IS SO BIG AT 1:20AM. Right ok so to catch the confs up, James BC and myself have made an alliance called the transcontinental trio (An iconic name ik) so like im really happy that exists. THEN we somehow win immunity, even though Marie and John both had single digit scores LOL. like wow didn't know we could do that. then anna announces the idol system, and i fully expect too like not get far so i do it anyway. 4 mins later and i HAVE A FUCKING IMMUNITY IDOL???? LIKE BITCH WTF. I AM SO FUCKING SHOOK ITS UNREAL. I have been playing orgs for 1 1/2 years now and like I have never been able to find one! and now i do???? Jesus Christ maybe this IS my Game!

not to overreact but i want my entire tribe to go home. i had to PLUCK egg shells out of my VERY CURLY hair like i was some monkey picking ticks. i took an egg, a poor chicken would be, and used it not for nutrition. but for "fun". and its all for NOTHING. but thats ok. everyone keeps saying bc i carried i should be safe and like yes. but the REAL reason i should be safe is that its like im the only person on this tribe who wants to socialize at all!! also this idol system is so fun love choose ur own adventure type stuff. sad how i flopped first try tho.. but in 24 hours catch me with the idol! or catch me as first boot. someone just catch me im falling FAST.

This immunity is great because it gives me time to build better friendships without pressure of a vote. Charlie seems to like me, he wants to share idol guesses which is cool with me. That probably also means he'll tell me if he gets an idol which is powerful info to know. Also I won some cookies on my search. I hope they're oreos. But I'm curious as to what they'll be good for.

So....Charlie found the idol...and he told me. So guess I'm working with Charlie now. Because I want to keep tabs on this idol.

https://imgur.com/ZrG7wNV clearly doesnt realize ive never met a girl i didnt want to ally.

So we lost the challenge! Are we surprised? NOOOO AHHAHA! *sighs* anyways I think i have the numbers to get anabelle out, sorry not sorry

First tribal then Walrus is a bitch. I hate this game

i want to vote jayden out but annabelle and cole did worse in the comp so it might be hard so awk.. like nick wants annabelle out and he told cole that so its kind of over for her huh this is so sad i refuse to be on a tribe full of MEN

So far so good I really hope we can continue this momentum and I hope I can last 6 more days until the 20th of January and then I get to be two ages in one org which I have never done yet.

BC has brought me and Matt into an alliance (Transcontinental Trio!). BC is like the obvious alpha on the tribe and I’m kinda fine with that? At least I hope BC looks like a bigger threat than me, I don’t want that label lol. Matt is super charismatic, we’re finally talking regularly/about the game. He’s probably the scariest person on the tribe just because he’s so damn likable.

Keaton’s opened up a little. We bonded over thinking that we were the only ones hearing nothing from John lmao. Our first vote will probably wind up being Marie or John. I don’t want to push buttons too early, but if I get a chance at a clean shot at John I’m taking it.

So we lost the challenge which is terrible but I got the legacy advantage which is great! I’m worried ppl r voting me but that’s could be just my paranoia so ima stick to my plan of waiting for a name to be said

We won immunity and it feels great. Hopefully we could just go on an immunity run and stay safe till swap happens. I need to start making my talks with people go to game talk but maybe not as fast skmce we are safe.

edit: I really need to start watching the movies. Choose your own adventure like Idol systems always require background knowledge.

We won the first challenge and I'm so happy because I could've been voted out if we lost! This is my first Tumblr org so I'm completely lost and I accidentally told Matt that I knew Bryce from the other tribe so yay... that put a target on my back I think so hopefully we just keep on winning!

I don't have too much to update on, but I'm so glad that we aren't going to tribal because highkey I'd be in so much trouble... I've been in an emotional rut so the communication has been rough.. but we won so I have time to enjoy my tribemates in some conversations and make them love me…

Cole like what are you doing bro. Also I assume Keaton and Dennis are running shit on the other tribes.

Wow so I gotta say I am seriously impressed by this cast. I don't really know anyone and there are only 2 other people from EM... is this for real lol?? Seriously though I'm so happy to finally be playing an org with so many new people!!

Ok so first impressions of my tribe. I've already embarrassed myself by sending drunk videos to every single member of my tribe bar Nicole who wasn't online at the time.

Dennis- Easily my fav so far. I feel like we click so well and I've already talked to him way more than anyone else. Really hope I can go far with him.

Brian- Ok so I've seen this guy around on facebook and he seems funny and really nice! Our convos have been fun so hopefully we can develop a good relationship from here!

Maynor- He likes Charlie the unicorn. Therefore I like him.

Sharky- Haven't talked to him so much yet, but he seems cool and I know he was an early boot in KC.

Nicole- Haven't talked to her yet at all.

Ok so my tribe mates are KILLING this challenge! It's been difficult for me to take part cos of being up in London, but I need to add more stuff to the list lol. Otherwise we could lose, and I'll probably get blamed... eeeek.

WE WON!!! I can't believe it!! I'm so FUCKING HAPPY right now. One of our tribe mates abstained and we still won by over 200 points.. crazy shit

https://youtu.be/_LqWkiWMQw8

so we are about to go to tribal in about an hour and I think we have a plan sorted, I know nathan is saying my name and I will get votes BUT what the plan is that myself,bryce and annabelle vote jayden, jayden votes nathan and the other two will prob vote myself so we will get a 3-2-1 and jayden will go! lets hope

ok so i was out all day. and barely on. but i tried forcing jayden out bc he ignores me and i hate him. but NO. cole is cracked and when itell him to talk to nathan to secure his vote. he instead wants to vote him, then leads to jayden telling nathan that cole wants him out. so now he has no shot. bye bye cole this is sad but u so overplayed NNN glad queen annabelle is safe tho!

Cole is voted out 5-1.