#also it's just quieter in here
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i don't think i'm ever going to be normal about the sky (tags)
#TAG RAMBLE !#i've been thinking for a while about clouds and the sky#i mean i've always felt how vast it is#but clouds are so human to me. or alive at least#i see a clear sky and it feels like maybe we're all alone out here and we are all going to die#like the universe is quiet and empty#but an overcast sky sort of. it feels comforting#kind of bounces my thoughts back down to earth maybe. it makes the world feel small and finite#and then there's in-between!! big clouds and wisps of clouds. they feel like faces or just. living things#the sky is so infinite and all-consuming and they're right up there with it#deciding they make the painting more whole#i'm making this post because i was just in the car looking out the window#and the edge of the sunset sky had sort of. a film of clouds over it#and it was like the sky finally had a face. like i could hold it#and i don't know i just stared at the colors as the clouds faded and felt small and infinite#writing all of this in the tags because i feel like it seems pretentious in a post? sort of stuff you say to a friend in a field at dusk#and not on tumblr dot com to the mutuals#also it's just quieter in here#i think a part of me will always be longing because i want to touch the sky#and it's nice to know i'll always want something#that's all for now. byebye <3#tag twaddle#kindling#clouds
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On top of everything else that's happened in the last month or so
(girlfriend breaking up with me / me running off in the night w the friend I was supposed to be maid of honor with bc her (now ex) fiance came home drunk and scared us, while ofc we also both were in swimsuits and had like NO money or even shoes due to incredibly poor timing / Getting stuck in Dallas for TWO MONTHS longer than I meant to be due to bullshit work transfer systems (and admitedly my own inability to remember that deadlines exist) / that same friend going BACK to her shit boyfriend alone to a city 4 hours away from anyone she may call for help if things go wrong / me now no longer having a place in dallas to stay for these next 2 months bc I was SUPPOSED to stay with that friend but her bastard boyfriend doesn't want me in his house anymore bc he knows I'd tell his girlfriend to dump his ass)
I have now lost my fucking house keys.
Anyways I may or may not be way less active for a bit so this is the formal apology and explanation for that. Sorry guys, we are NOT going back to ur normally scheduled rapid fire ninja content as promised for like. A minute. Possibly. We'll see. Sometimes my own motivation wave surprises me.
Tbh it's my own fault for daring to become a fanfic author tbh. Should have known the "sorry I didn't update, my house burned down teehee <3" curse would come for my ass
#this blog will go bafk to normal eventually. as soon as I stop getting hit by bricks. and can think properly.#im going through a lot rn idk#no one look at me#chances are I will go back to normal soon but rn Im burnt out as hell and feeling it in my bones#the hyperfixation isnt healing me like it should#i wanna go back to chicago so bad oh my god#im staying in my parents house for now on my days off and it looks like ill have to do that for the next few months#but its the fucking worse bc that commute is like 2 fucking hours for me MINIMUM on a good day#Also I forgot how many fucking bugs live in this house and how much harder it is to convince myself to eat while living here#man.#sorry this has half turned into a vent post at this point#but also like. whatever. its my blog.#its also 1am and I get up to work in 3 hours. so.#yippie#the next 2 months are going to be wonderful for me.#im sure.#uhhhhh actual fic updates + my art commissions will probably continue as normal#mostly also bc I have hella shit half written already#i just may be quieter than usual on here / not post much au things#which have been slowing down anyways#coincidentally timing well with my girlfriend breaking up with me. but. yk.#happens to the best of us.#anyways stay tuned for fic updates but yeah fewer au posts and art probably#apology also to those sending me asks I really do want to answer#but fatigue and depression has placed its cold hands on the back of my neck which makes me hesitate to do much here#anyways.#birds rambles#should I tag this vent I feel like I should just in case someone has that tag blocked and wouldnt wanna see this#just in case#vent
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#*drops this then sprints away*#this is my apology for being absent on here#if I'm being honest I'm totally enamored with a new piece of media and have lost some interest in LR#plus life has been pretty difficult lately and I've been feeling very troubled#so I feel bleh in general#and I still need to finish watching LR lol#I won't be gone off this blog I'll probably just get a little quieter. my ambitions for here are too much :[#I still love making memes though 🫡#disney lab rats#lab rats#chase davenport#terry perry#lab rats perry#lab rats meme#this also could have been Leo instead of Chase
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The Western community really baffles me with how far-fetched their reasons for not shipping certain het ships are. How many characters are infantilized, made to be manipulative/toxic, or have a non-familial bond made familial, or have their bisexuality unwritten? I've lost count. Stop this. If you don't want to ship a thing, then just don't ship said thing, but stop trying to invalidate it with the world's wildest presumptions that have zero basis outside of your own lunacy.
#[ out of character. ] don't bend or water it down. don't try to make it logical. rather: follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.#[ salt. ] should i be quieter next time? / no. no… it's fine. children don't learn unless you shout at them.#[ okay. i'm out of my call; i have my cappuccino freddo this time with plenty of ice. i'm ready for this 33 degree afternoon. ]#[ but i just had to share my salt because i accidentally walked into a new het ship/rarepair (in the west) and low and behold. ]#[ here we go again. WHAT ELSE IS NEW FOLKS. ]#[ also i know there's a jy icon. but he's not at /all/ related to this specific ship. i just-- wanted a thoughtful elegant man as an icon.
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Going absolutely INSANE over the Mean Streak funeral event rn (I got bored and decided to do Cedar Point event research)
youtube
They did NOT have to make it that funny-
#disaster rambles#coaster enthusiast#also lusty Lil's cast left flowers that just said ''it's going to be a lot quieter around here'' and AGHH-#the rest of the flowers are jokes but for some reason that one just gets me right in the heart oughh#legit though they did NOT have to go that hard with a fake funeral for a ride#shoutout to the fact that mean streak was still running in the background#like- bro was still alive at his own funeral lmao#we love to see park event stuff like this lol#cedar point#mean streak#cedar point mean streak#roller coaster#rollercoaster#theme park#amusement park#theme park history#Youtube
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psa!!! i have moved to a new blog that i am currently keeping off the radar/off of tumblr recommended -- i worked out a system where i'm slowly following back the mutuals i have here once i finish writing the drafts i owe to y'all. which i feel is making it very nice and low pressure for me 😌
once i've whittled down my draft count, i'll switch the urls back over so that i'm at this url again... so no huge rebrand or anything, and it'll be back to business as usual! i expect it to be a process of another month or two, so for any of my mutuals i haven't followed just yet: if i've got one of your drafts cooking, i promise i'm getting around to it! and for any new followers, that just means a potential delay on me getting around to looking at your blogs until i'm officially moved over.
after the move, i am going to be more selective going forward in the sense that i want to keep a cleaner dash, as well as to be actively plotting/building dynamics/writing with mutuals. "writing" is last on that list because i will never judge reply speeds, ic or ooc!! i do however want to have some intial ooc back and forth, a foundation to build narratives upon, and some active interest in building character dynamics/rships.
i'll expand on all this when i make the move official!
#another day in yappersville ☀️ \` * file: OOC.#i was feeling stagnant on here + there was a lot of anxiety with some ooc conflict and in general negativity. fresh start HELPED sm#re: the actively building things with mutuals. i do not mind at all if we have only had a couple convos months ago/have one thread-#-or have smth planned that we haven't even started yet. if we have had even one ooc talk and smth to build on. we're solid!!!#but i do love character development and creating narratives and talking to ppl abt their muses. and i tend not to improvise threads#theres been times i feel like i've put in the energy and read Everything and threw out ideas/talking points and didn't get that back#and if im left on read or not rly given anything to work with. i will be honest. that does bum me out#during the last weeks on here ik i wasnt rly reaching out as much. and i'll be Changing that with the remake and a new environment!!#which means i potentially will have a quieter blog but that's not a problem for me. as long as im doing what i love!! which is shepard#well. writing him/talking abt him/putting him in a room with all yr muses. getting them into Situations together.#but also yes. (mike judge vc) i am Doing commander shepard#anyway yes long tags. and ive been almost radio silent on discord but given that month or two ill be back to the usual. heheheh#anyway. i will be breaking some mutuals at the end of working thru drafts/making the move. but it's less a 'we're over' thing and more a-#-'please follow only if you want to strike up a convo and talk/write/establish smth' type thing!#i promise my expectations for 'talk/write/establish smth' are not scary. just look at my reply speeds 😭😭😭#but yeah more on that later! see u all when i actually catch up on my drafts haha
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thinking about ch0mpkin's evil evbo post (evilbo, if you will) and going "How can I align this with My Interests (the axes)" and the answer is Very easily actually
#thoughts in tags.....#when the cookie crumbles#pciv#pvp civilization#you know. evbo leaving behind everything he knows for his friend and going along with The Plan#constantly telling himself its for the greater good its for the greater good#but the longer he goes on the worse it gets#and both tabi and clown force him to stop diagetically monologuing somehow because otherwise he'll blow their cover#so he just gets quieter and quieter and withdraws more and more#to the point where even tabi is thinking like “damn maybe i Should've killed him in sword civ...” but he's here now#another thing is i think evbo would 100% buy and sneak another video journal machine out and when tabi finds out she Flips Her Lid#clown is less concerned because he wasn't With them so he doesn't know like tabi does that he spends So Much Time On This Shit#not knowing that (like minute said) video journaling is the biggest reason evbo is able to take in so much new info and maintain himself#and if they straight up take it away from him he's going to get Even Worse#i think clown doesn't see it as much of an issue despite tabi's major objections because he'd literally be talking about their plan On Air#and that tape goes somewhere and is Seen by someone (plus if someone else sees their cover is gone cuz video journals are sword only)#but in his eyes that means the only people who will ever see it are the diamond swords in their ivory tower who can't leave anyways#so why worry? if anything it shows them what they're (the axes) doing to their (the swords) little golden boy and they can't stop it#another thing i thought about is that they would definitely hold killing evbo over his head like. Constantly#and evbo's fear of dying isn't the same because he never died to tabi's axe so he doesn't know zam is waiting for him (which is also funny)#so instead it takes a spin of tabi saying “ill kill you and let you respawn in sword civ and you'll stay there with your regrets”#because even if zam Wasn't still waiting for him he kinda ditched the diamond swords so uh... kinda lost your sense of kinship there#a-NOTHER point of interest: guardfriend#since guards can access all civilizations they'd definitely want to take advantage of his connections and relation with evbo#especially since unless evbo spills the beans he most likely wouldn't know the eternal sword was taken and tabi is the one who took it#let alone that she (and clown by extension‚ but to throw off suspicion he doesn't show up around guard) is a natural born axr#so they can defo use what trust those two have to get places easier#but if he ends up getting in the way... [makes a chopping gesture across my throat]#could even do it in Front of evbo as an example of what happens to those who stand between them and their mission#holy shit this is the first time ive ever hit 30 tags. wtf
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The fact that this page made me nearly tear up speaks of the level of character writing of Berserk
Farnese went from sadistically enjoying making people under herself suffer to feel a shred of power in her life, to panicking and rushing to protect the most vulnerable person that could be entrusted in her care, not for herself but because Casca needs to be cared for. And you get to see the evolution, what makes her question herself and the root of her beliefs, the guilt and sense of worthlessness that she carries with her and desperately wants to overcome.
What a wonderful character :)
#berserk#farnese de vandimion#how do you write meta about berserk when it has been dissected to its atomic structure for the past 30 years#i feel woefully inadequate#i just wanted to share this moment i felt#admittedly i always related to farnese#not really the sadistic part but the part where she realizes she's a burden not good for anything#which makes her desire to improve herself all the more touching#i also find interesting that her character development goes from being aggressive and stubborn to being meeker#on the surface of course#because farnese used to be aggressive to cover up her lack of spine with authority figures#while her quieter demeanor coincides with her becoming braver#there is probably a discussion about femininity to be had here but i'm not qualified enough to do that
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trying to get kiki's characterization right (at the same time as navigating a falin who's gotten into a tense situation with people she doesn't know very well AND without the assistance of laios or marcille) is highkey kicking my ass ngl
#a little creature#i did just settle on a comedic icebreaker end to the conversation instead of going the full blown drama route bc i got tired#but now im wondering if that's a copout#like wouldn't falin react more strongly to this considering how i built it up???#but it's been like two months and im at 8-9k and im TIRED i want this chapter to be done#i can't think about it anymore. im settling on quirky joke and feelgood moment followed by quieter conversation later on#and if it seems like falin has a crush on kiki because of the way im describing her. so be it. i can't be bothered trying to control that#we're all gay here you know what you were signing up for.#also sorry i'll get around to answering asks and messages in a bit i just legit.#didn't realize how many days were passing. insomnia + time blindness hardcore got me these past few weeks
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re: the last post i reblogged bc i am realizing just how much i yapped in the tags and i do not wish to subject the wider tumblr public to that rant LMAO
#copying the tags bc it is very much a tag rant#bros. truly it has been nothing but a wonderful time here#perhaps even the most enjoyable time i have ever had in a fandom despite being here for like 3 months tops#(bc i'm actually posting stuff and interacting with people for once but i digress)#but i cannot deny. being part of a smaller quieter fandom after coming from some of the larger ones on here has me scratching at the walls#guy on the left was me in september where everything was new to me and i had all this wonderful fanwork to go through. autism heaven#guy on the right. me rn. please do not ask me how many times i have refreshed the tags on both here and ao3. it's ungodly#has me doing things like (on top of actually interacting with people) rereading fics. long ones. which i have done before. twice?#out of many years of reading#i've hunted down nice long fics older than me (also never done before) (because none of my other fandoms are older than me but still)#[edit nvm i remembered there was exactly one fandom i've dipped my toes in that is also older than me so ive definitely read some fics#from there that were Aged. didnt hunt those down tho it just happened. edit over]#but i've put off reading them bc like. what if they don't get them like we do yknow. what if they write something and it's Wrong#perhaps a terrible thing to think of them because what i can tell their writing is very high quality but still..#every day i consider rereading welcome to the panopticon on ao3 and one day the demons will take over and i will be reading all 88k words#once more. among other fics#congrats to these guys they truly have consumed me and i fear it is terminal#kit yap session
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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.
Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.
#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that#here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking#that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like#have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production#on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still#get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues#as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing#days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials#and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic#and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that#done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated#on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big#Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually#hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary#everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I#enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all#lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like#I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the#architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of#city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public#transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those#spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still#definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter#ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise#condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh
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the way i wrote sidearms in my first pr1 fic was so lovely. like its just two fucking paragraphs but he's weird and knows it and loves his friends and looks out for ppl who are obviously outsiders. sdfghjkl sidearms my beloved <33
#apollo talks#i know this is me thinking abt my interpretation of him from three years ago lol#but i think that it was pretty solid. maybe not as looking out for the underdog these days. but idk he still is a bit.#like hes a fucking weirdo loser (affectionate) who fell in the with the popular kids#and they fucking love him and he loves them. but hes an oddball and in scenarios where its just him and maybe someone quieter#or a different speed than he is. he is a softer person in this rly nice way. when kat would play among us more they had a rly nice vibe#and like him and tom. he finds tom fucking hilarious. and makes sure that tom knows that he does.#i also rly enjoy the shubble and vanoss interpretations here. just sdfghjkl#god. the first time i watched speedys full playlist of purge s1. religious experience for me tbh#i finally understood the mcyt appeal lol
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has anyone been in a fandom that they literally can't interact with anybody without getting blocked or is that just a very specific me thing
#Like 13-14 maybe even 15 year old me hyperfixating on a “minors dni” type media#couldn't interact with ANYBODY#I just told whoever was in my (really old now) discord server about it#And as my pfp#Actually got someone into it (also still my friend today)#I remember telling one of my friends about it it actually felt like coming out it was SO weird#They were cool and r still my friend today!!#Guess the fandom I dare you. You won't get it!!#I'm still into it just quieter and literally nobody posts about it on here#The tag is dead lol
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i am pretty interested in the way synthetic vs organic life is treated in me3 specifically, because it's a topic that takes full center stage in this game and i think it should perhaps have been more prominent earlier if it was going to be the thematic crux of the climactic installment, but it is honestly pretty interesting. if the narrative asks us nothing, it asks us if we consider artificial life to be as valuable as we do organic. if legion is killed to save the quarians, EDI is despondent and says that he (and the geth) are devalued for not being organic, and will never be held in the same regard as organic life no matter how autonomous and intelligent they are. no matter how lifelike. even the end choices present this same issue--do you sacrifice the life of one organic to save as many people as possible, or do you sacrifice all synthetic life to sustain organic civilization? can we value synthetic life as equal to organic? are they equal? how much do we sacrifice to give them the chance to be?
#it's genuinely interesting#it's also not lost on me that it's the renegade options that ensure both shepard and javik's post-canon survival#when renegade (in THIS game certainly) is given the ideological trait of specifically devaluing synthetic life#compared to organic. it comes up in quite a few renegade dialogues (notably to the reaper after priority: rannoch)#like i don't think the game necessarily handles these things well all the time#the destroy ending itself can be kind of thorny because imo it IS undeniably ideologically a renegade choice#in that ''ruthless calculus of war'' way and also following the track of willingly sacrificing synthetics to save organic life#but it's muddied because the reapers are unambiguously villains. no 11th hour 'they're just doing what they were made to do'#is going to change the way we perceive them. and shep has killed hundreds of thousands of innocents to stop them before#so that mitigates what i think was the intended effect of that choice#but it IS asking something interesting about what we consider a living being worthy of respect and autonomy to be#and i'm very interested in that theme despite the flawed presentation of it#rosie plays games kinda okay#contextually i did NOT kill legion but i did see someone who did and it was a very good scene with EDI afterward#also there's a quieter comment here about destroy seeming to be the most popular ending#obviously because shepard can survive it#but i also feel like i see a lot of people trying to 'fix-it fic' their way out of EDI and the geth dying but it's like. no that's the poin#you made that choice. organic over synthetic is the cost of that decision. maybe we should sit with that. think about it even#just thoughts really
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hihi folks!! gonna really quickly informally poke my kofi comms page again (that time of month again and all. Bills(tm)), but also a general widespread question!
th stuff i have up for commission options is mostly a quick and simple pick of options, but i figured id ask if anyone has any interest in adding any other things to the roster! things like icons n whatnot (which i definitely want to add when i can get to it--!)
dont want things to feel too limited, n all! i still consider off-sheet requests aswell, its mostly just to keep the list from getting too overwhelming. ^w^'' tyty for your time folks, n drop a reply or ask if you have any suggestions n ill give em a look over n such when i can! have a good one! o/
#piktalk#WAHH im much much quieter over here than id like to be; iam unfortunately Very Nervous. deer disposition. you understand.#but i have been doing mostly well in th meantime!! trying my best and all! \o/#also big big thankyou to th folks who have left kind asks; i see em all but again; The Nervousness. sincerely sincerely thank you so much.#oh additionally; im also gonna add my shimejis over on kofi pwyw-free style. just so theyre all in one place :] because i still like them!!#ok thats all!!! bows very very deeply!!!
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NEEDLESS RAMBLING AHEAD:
i told my brother abt GGG just kind of off-handedly and he said he's going to try playing it - this is the first time he's ever shown an interest in anything I've ever talked about 🧍but ouuughhh i hope he likes it .... i genuinely have no idea if he will ....
also i told my dad about the game (ended up going into a ton of detail abt it LOL, we were on a 15-30 min drive and i recently found out he actually genuinely enjoys listening to me talk about my interests,,,,,, sniffles happily 🫶) and told him abt all the stuff i love about it, and he was actually super amazed at how clever and well-put together the story and everything is and I'm just like !!! YES !! YES IT'S SO GOOD !!! IT'S SO SMART AND AWESOME AND CREATIVE AND THOUGHT-PROVOKING !!!! I'M GLAD I'M NOT CRAZY AND ALONE AND THAT SOMEONE ELSE AGREES FHFKDL (... i say, as one of my favourite artists and storytellers ever has been creating full fancomics for it LMAO. i just get scared and unsure of myself, and also forget online is real sometimes bc real life is so much Bigger than online lately)
anyways,, i am marveling tonight at MY INFLUENCE.... GGG FEVER WILL SWEEP ACROSS DA GLOBE !!!
#i shan't tell anyone to play it bc idk if other ppl will like it#i dont even pitch it to ppl irl djdksl i have just. been yapping abt it. bc it is all I've been thinking about 😭#and i haven't actually even talked very much abt it irl tbh LOL#not many opportunities and also I've been trying to be quieter again bc i keep stumbling over my speech lately#so i just. think it is better for me to be quiet rather than waste ppls time w my failed attempts at communicating fjdkdl#i don't have anything Important to say anyways fjdksl so it's probably for the best if i just hush up for a while shdkdl#ANYWAYS. speaking of being quiet. i am going to end post here before i ramble further LOL#i have art i want to do anyways FAREWELL. I just wanted to share this bc i think it's funny that im somehow getting ppl interested in GGG#my power .... my influence .... LMAO#dandy.cmd
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