#also it’s so fucked that rc’s new song came out less than a month before…. all that

[protobrieile]

maybe i should make a masterdoc. we used to have a ff nilex masterdoc and that was fun

[butgilinsky]

happier // rc

warning; language (i’m convinced i can’t write without swearing), heartache, drinking ig, also not proofread bc i’m lazy 

summary; where rafe cameron broke your heart and has to live with consequences of it. based on happier by ed sheeran.

word count; 2.7k+

Walking down 29th and park I saw you in another's arms Only a month we've been apart You look happier

rafe didn’t know the boy’s name, but he didn’t need to. he didn’t want to. the boy’s name didn’t change the fact that he was lifting you off of the ground and running towards the ocean while you playfully begged him to put you down. 

he supposed it was better than seeing you with someone he knew, but he knew exactly why you had to rope in someone that didn’t know rafe. everybody that knew he him knew you were off limits. it didn’t matter that the two of you had been broken up for a month, you were his. 

well, you were his. you had been his since junior year, when he had walked in to history late and asked if you knew enough of the material for him to cheat off of you. his heart practically soared when you laughed and nodded, choosing to scoot your test to the edge of the desk while you bubbled in answers. 

the island had never made rafe feel so lonely. he suspected you to come back with someone eventually, but not this soon. the two of you had gone to different colleges, and the fact that you had a guy on dec for you made rafe feel uneasy. 

but no matter how much his stomach twisted from the sight of you in someone else’s arms, he knew that it was good for you. you looked happier.

Saw you walk inside a bar He said something to make you laugh I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours Yeah you look happier, you do

it was easy for rafe to notice the way that topper stilled for a split second, his eyes widening slightly at something behind the cameron boy. he turned over his shoulder, despite topper’s attempt to distract him. 

the sight of you made rafe’s heart rate pick up, thumping loudly against his chest. your hand was locked with the same boy he had seen you with back on the island a few weeks prior. the odds of you walking into the same bar as rafe were slim, but the universe had a vendetta against rafe, that was clear to him now. 

you walked straight up to the bar, looping your arm around the boy’s neck and pressing your lips to his cheek, a wide smile spreading across both his and your lips at the gesture. rafe’s heart clenched when the boy leaned over to you, lowering his lips to your ear and saying something that had you throwing your head back in laughter. 

topper tried, yet again, to distract rafe, but it was useless. he had already seen your bright smile directed at somebody that wasn’t him, and that was enough to send him over the edge. 

“she looks happy.” was all he said, swallowing the large lump forming in his throat. 

he saw the look kelce and topper shared. he knew his friends were pitying him, but he knew why you were with someone else. he had hurt you, and now he had to live with the image of you kissing someone else engraved into his mind. 

Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you But ain't nobody love you like I do Promise that I will not take it personal baby If you're moving on with someone new

“i can’t believe you would do that right in front of me, rafe.” the tension hanging in the air was thick, thicker than rafe had wanted it to be. but this was his fault, and your reaction was valid. 

“i don’t see what the big deal is, y/n.”

“if i even look at another guy you go absolutely ape shit, but when you’re all over some other girl for the entire night, i’m just supposed to accept that?” rafe rolled his eyes, walking past you and opening his car door. 

“i don’t want to do this right now, y/n.” you stood in your place, arms crossed over your chest while you looked at him, gaze steady and harsh. “get in the car.” 

“no.” he sighed heavily, turning his command into a question with a false sense of softness behind it. when your answer didn’t change, his attempt at being reasonable flew out the window, and his anger stepped back in. 

“why do you have to be so difficult all the time? get in the car.” you shook your head, almost smirking at the sight of rafe getting so angry at the fact that you weren’t doing everything he told you to do. 

“no.” he slammed his door shut then, walking back over to you and lifting you off of your feet. “put me down.”

“not a chance.” he practically threw you into the seat after he’d opened the door, shutting it once he made sure you had all of your limbs tucked safely into your seat. 

the ride had been silent until the instrumental to your song spilled out of the speakers. the two of you glanced at each other for a moment, sharing a look of regret at the fight you had just had. rafe’s hand slid onto your thigh, gripping it softly between his fingers. 

“i’m sorry.” you hummed softly, nodding your head while looking over at him. “i love you.” 

you returned the sentiment, an uneasy feeling settling in your stomach. you knew something similar would happen eventually. it was only a matter of time before rafe broke your heart all over again. 

Cause baby you look happier, you do My friends told me one day I'll feel it too And until then I'll smile to hide the truth But I know I was happier with you

“c’mon, man. you don’t need her.” topper clapped a hand onto the boy’s back, trying to snap him back into the mood to get shit faced in order to take on midsummers. 

truth be told, rafe didn’t think there would ever be a time that he wouldn’t be head over heels in love with you. he had made mistakes, things that had been unforgivable, but he had never felt anything less than love for you. the only reason the two fo you fought the way you did was because you didn’t know how to handle the overwhelming amount of emotion you brought one another. 

but he forced a smile to the surface anyways, nodding along with topper and accepting a drink from kelce. he threw it back quickly, which made topper and rafe cheer and whistle in salute to him. 

once rafe lowered his glass, his eyes found your figure once more. the dress you wore hugged you beautifully, reminding rafe of every curve and bend of your body. he remembered the way his hands felt against your skin every night before bed. the way his hand seemed to fit perfectly on your hip, or the way you would lean into his palm when he held your head in his hands. 

it was a dress he’d never seen before. a dress that he wished he’d be able to rip off of you at the night. he saw the zipper on the backside of it, thinking of how he would’ve loved to slowly slide it down, admiring the way your breaths came out in soft pants. 

he could imagine the way you’d turn over your shoulder and watch his eyes practically devour you. he wish he could be with you right now, gripping your hips while you tugged on his tie. 

but he couldn’t do that, because you weren’t his anymore. you were smiling the same smile that he had fallen in love with all those years ago, but it wasn’t towards him. 

you were smiling at somebody that wasn’t him, and he knew that he couldn’t do anything about it. 

Sat in the corner of the room Everything's reminding me of you Nursing an empty bottle and telling myself you're happier Aren't you?

it was supposed to get better as time went on. it was supposed to come as easily to rafe as it did with you. he was supposed to get over it, get over you. 

but he didn’t. in fact, he found himself sitting in the corner of a room full of people, feeling the most alone he’d ever felt. every thing in the house had reminded him of you, pulling memories out of his subconscious and displaying them at the forefront of his mind. 

he had downed more of the bottle than he had even realized, intoxication weighing heavily in his chest while his mind raced through everything it had in your file, tucked neatly into rafe’s mind. 

he didn’t know you were there. he hadn’t seen you walk into the house, greeted by the same people you hung out with every time you were back home for the summer. he hadn’t seen or heard you until he ran into you on his way out to his car. 

“oh shit, sorry.” you rushed out, unaware of who you had run into until after the apology had fallen from your lips. your eyes softened at the sight of rafe, eyes bloodshot and shoulders slumped in his drunken state. 

“don’t worry about it.” he whispered, pushing a soft smile to the surface. 

"i should’ve watched where i was going, my fault.” he nodded, unsure of what else to say to you in this situation. 

he hadn’t spoken to you in months. not after your screaming match that ended in rafe telling you to ‘get the fuck out’. he rememberd the sound of the door slamming, and your tires screeching against the pavement as you pulled out of the driveway. the same noises he heard every time his mind reminded him how bad he had messed up. 

“how are you?” he was surprised you were sparking a conversation with him. he thought you hated him, thought you had given up on all things related to rafe cameron the second you left his house that day. 

he didn’t know the half of it. 

“as good as i can be, i guess.” he wished he could take the words back as soon as he said them, but the way your smile faltered ever so slightly was enough to tell rafe that you still cared. you didn’t want to see him upset. you wanted him to be happy. “how are you?”

“good.” you nodded, though rafe had detected a tone that didn’t exactly back up your claim. “i’m good.” 

were you as happy as rafe assumed you were?

Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you But ain't nobody need you like I do I know that there's others that deserve you But my darling I am still in love with you

“rafe, stop!” sarah had been begging for him to stop for the past ten minutes, not knowing what else to do other than watch her brother destroy his bedroom.

picture frames had been shattered, glass scattered across the floor. he had thrown his lamp at a nearby wall, shattering the ceramic base. the room had turned into a hazard quickly, uninviting to anybody that didn’t have shoes on. 

he grabbed the next thing he could reach, not taking a moment to look at it or think if it was something that he wanted to keep. he didn’t care about anything in his room right now, his vision blurred by tears and his throat scratchy from screaming at the top of his lungs. 

“rafe, don’t throw that. rafe! y/n gave that to you!” rafe stopped then, letting sarah’s words register in his mind. 

his arm lowered, eyes locked onto the golf cart in his hand. it had been a joke originally. you thought it was funny that they sold toy golf carts and bought one for rafe as an ‘i saw this and thought of you’ gift. 

you didn’t expect him to put it on his nightstand beside a photo of the two of you. his favorite picture of the two of you. it was at midsummers, your head tucked underneath his chin as the two of you swayed back and forth. he was looking down at you with eyes full of adoration and a smile soft enough to make just about anybody’s heart melt. 

rafe’s chest caved in then, sobs racking through his body as he fell to his knees, unaware of the pain from glass cutting into his skin. sarah had ran over to him as quickly as she could while simultaneously trying to avoid shards of glass. 

“i need her, sarah.” sarah’s heart slammed against her chest at the desperation in his voice. she had never seen rafe like this, and she didn’t know how she was meant to help. 

“it’s going to be okay, rafe.”

“no it isn’t sarah. she’s gone. i’m still in love with her and she’s gone.” 

Baby you look happier, you do I knew one day you'd fall for someone new But if he breaks your heart like lovers do Just know that I'll be waiting here for you

the constant ache eventually dissipated. there had still been something missing from rafe’s heart, but it didn’t hurt as much. it didn’t pain him to think about you, or see pictures of you online.  

however, the sight of you with another person’s arm wrapped securely around you would never get easier. 

at the end of the day, rafe knew you looked happy, and that’s all he truly wanted. he had bribed sarah to ask how you truly were, and when she came back with only good news for you and bad news for rafe, he knew he had to let go. 

sure, he’d always love you, and he knew there was a part of you that would always love him, but he had to stop living in a world where you’d inevitably fall back into his arms at the first inconvenience in your new relationship. 

truth be told, you’d never be able to love a person the same way you loved rafe cameron. things weren’t always pretty, but there ws love behind everything the two of you did. you wouldn’t be able to experience that love with anyone else, and you weren’t sure you wanted to. 

there would always be a place for the other in your hearts, and that was exactly why rafe blocked your path on the way to the restrooms on the beach. he had seen you step away from your new beau for the first time all day, and he was going to act on it. 

“hi rafe.” you held a smile, and your voice dripped with a knowing tone that made rafe smile back at you. 

“hi.” you raised both of your eyebrows at the short answer, expecting him to pour out a long heartfelt speech to you if given the chance. “i just wanted to say hi and make sure you’re doing well.” 

you laughed softly and nodded. you were happy but you couldn’t ignore there was a piece of your heart missing. you knew exactly where it was, lodged into the hands of the boy standing mere inches away from you. 

“i’m good, rafe, thank you.” he nodded again, surprised you hadn’t tried to walk off yet. 

“that’s good, i’m glad to hear that.” you nodded again, about to tell him you should head to the bathroom like you originally had planned before he was speaking again. “i just wanted to let you know that i’m glad to see you happy, it’s nice.” 

you were even more confused now, not expecting rafe to say anything nice about the fact that you were with somebody that wasn’t him. 

“but, if he ever breaks your heart, just know that i’ll be here, waiting to patch it back up.” he gave you a final smile before walking past you, lightly bumping your shoulder in his stride. 

you stood there, left with the confusion of rafe cameron’s words and your feelings. you couldn’t ignore the thud in your chest at the confession, but you also couldn’t ignore the voice in your head that reminded you of how things ended between you and rafe. 

were you happier without rafe?

-

obx taglist: @rafej-cambanks @sportygal55 @diverdcwn @maybankiara @mdlyncline @dpaccione @dontjinx-it @popeheywards @solllaris​

[prosopopeya]

New Year’s Meme

this survey has been a tradition among my friend group for YEARS, but i haven’t filled it out since 2015 apparently. i’m not entirely sure why except 2016 was the year a lot of stuff changed for me, namely in that i finally got out of school in some form and started a new job, but i also had a few health problems that kept plaguing me (thyroid medicine being off, vitamin d) and my anxiety was all over the place. so here we go i’m doing it again and feel free to do it too if you want!!

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? tried on wedding dresses. taught virtually. dealt (poorly) with drunk teenagers. performed in a pep rally. wore face masks all the time. i’m going to lump in living with someone. jon moved in october 2019, but i don’t think i did this quiz last year so. taught ap.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? i don’t really like resolutions. they put too much pressure on me and i am a fragile person when it comes to setting expectations and living up to them. i did want to try to read more this year, and i maintained that until the pandemic, and then just kind of gave up requiring myself to do anything but live.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? i don’t think so. a coworker did.

4. Did anyone close to you die? jon’s cousin committed suicide in march or april. the circumstances were pretty upsetting. um. andy died in february, very suddenly. andy was my high school boyfriend for four years with whom i had a very... he scarred me in a lot of ways when it comes to sex and consent. it’s taken me a long time to unpack all of that. and i struggle with how much any of that was his fault or just bc he was a stupid kid too. our mutual friends had nothing but nice things to say about him on fb. anyway. he would guilt me into saying he’d kill himself if we broke up, and jon’s cousin killed himself over his girlfriend. so that was a complex part of the year.

5. What countries did you visit? none. literally the week before the quarantine, we went to asheville to visit jon’s cousin.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? maybe a different job? or at least some peace at doing mine.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? march 13 we cancelled classes and had a technology training day; the 15th we had another one, and then we were virtual the rest of the term. it was such a sudden shift and while i so loved working from home tbh, it was such a relief after a supremely shitty january/february work-wise, i still had a lot of keyed-up, stressful days centered around transitioning to being the senior upper school spanish teacher. i hate it!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? writing 50k in the month of november. i have literally never done that before and actively reject nano as being typically unhealthy for how my mind works, so it was nice to do it entirely by accident.

9. What was your biggest failure? mishandling the drunken teenagers on that field trip in january.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i sit crosslegged in my virtual teaching chair and i did it so much that my ankle hurt for the entire summer.

11. What was the best thing you bought? we put a deposit on our elopement in ireland. jon’s wedding ring. (i didn’t buy my wedding dress.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my best friend at work who keeps me sane and is represented by benny in my au, which other than the fact that he is not my sidepiece, is perfect he is crucial to my survival at work and i love him so much. (also he is gay and the french teacher so the benny parallels just keep coming). everyone who tore down a statue in virginia (and other places, but especially monument avenue). everyone putting their lives on the line during this pandemic.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? guess! but aside from all the obvious, i found out a friend of mine at work voted for trump. my work bff and i had been trying for years to sway his politics, but that had us both deciding to give up on him.

14. Where did most of your money go?  food, ALCOHOL. god., our savings account. i did a pretty excellent job saving this year, though a good deal of that is because jon moved in and makes more money than me, and also we split all the bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my wedding dress but strangely only when i went to try it on after it came in bc after the purchase i was so sure i’d made every mistake possible. my wedding band. wellbutrin changing my whole life. and, last but certainly not least, the gay angel and the bi(lingual) hunter. i wouldn’t have survived nov-dec in school without that distraction. the election.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2020? the entirety of taylor swift’s oeuvre this year, maybe specifically “this is me trying”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  i. Happier or sadder? happier, i suppose, perhaps contrary to what should be the case, but wellbutrin is a hell of a drug. ii. Older or wiser? wiser. ii. Richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? reading. cleaning. exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? stressing. chaperoning.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? so, an update; last year was the first year i didn’t go to my mom’s for christmas. i was supposed to see her for thanksgiving last year, but she basically told us not to come bc she wasn’t feeling up to it (cool!), and we went to jon’s for christmas and my mom’s for new year’s. 

this year, obviously we couldn’t go to my mom’s. instead, we rented a little cabin by the lake. it was perfect; it was really really nice inside, the beds were SO SOFT, the pillows were the best things i have ever laid my head on, like i took off the pillowcases to try to find the brand. we had a little tiny christmas tree with tiny ornaments from walmart that we decorated. the 23rd, we went and picked up our wedding bands. we slept two nights in the (cold) back bedroom so i could wake up and look out at the lake. it snowed for christmas. :)

we opened presents on christmas eve, per jon’s family’s tradition. on christmas eve, we also went to his family farm and sat outside and hung out a little. every year his family does like a secret santa sort of thing and i got my first present in that exchange, which is notable bc jon and i are not yet officially married. i got a remote control car -- jon’s idea bc i couldn’t think of anything, and he was so delighted to hear that i loved playing with rc cars when we went to the beach as a kid.

christmas morning we facetimed my parents and opened some presents together. then jon and i marathoned mandalorian (after spending the previous few days watching several die hard movies), and then we watched wonder woman 1984 which was a bad movie.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? ok LAST year for new year’s, we were in a hotel room, so that was nice, bc it meant minimal stress with my parents. i had always wanted to go to this restaurant near us that has a special new year’s menu, so we did that. the night before or after i think we went to cheesecake factory, which was also amazing.

this year currently i’m tumbling and he’s playing pokemon, and in a bit we’ll try to time it so we finish schitt’s creek in time for the new year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? i re-fell in love with supernatural so that was nice.

23. How many one-night stands? 0. i submit we should randomly change question 23 each year to something more relevant to any of our life experiences.

24. What was your favorite TV program? what did i even watch this year. schitt’s creek. mandalorian. i mean obviously we know supernatural. the circle. are you the one (the queer season). pose. unsolved mysteries. we’re here! perry mason. watchmen. oh maybe that mcdonald’s monopoly fraud documentary. avenue 5. i’ll be gone in the dark. of those i think my favorite maybe is... pose or we’re here.

OKAY UM. on my 2014 version of this there were a bunch of questions about tv shows that i’m putting back in if only for the memories:

25. Which TV shows did you start watching in 2020? the haunting of bly manor, which we still need to finish. derry girls.

26. Which TV shows did you let go of in 2020? HERE’S WHY I WANTED TO RESURRECT THESE. here was my answer in 2015: “supernatural. goodbye, my sweet prince.” CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE

27. Which TV shows did you mean to get into but didn’t in 2020? Why? so far, queen’s gambit and that one on hulu with catherine the great. EVENTUALLY. 28. Which TV shows do you intend on checking out in 2020? fleabag. queen’s gambit. 29. Which TV show do you think you might let go of in 2020 unless things significantly improve? idk i drop things pretty regularly if they don’t entertain me 30. Which TV show impressed you least in 2020? GUYS HERE’S MY ORIGINAL 2015 ANSWER: “supernatural. :(”

anyway back to the rest of the quiz:

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? every person who refuses to listen to facts and information.

26. What was the best book you read? killers of the flower moon: the osage murders and the birth of the fbi, or the his dark materials series.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? well i knew about tswift so i’m not going to count her albums. i will count this song that jon played for me once in the car that got stuck in my head for two weeks straight and led me down into a great related-songs spotify playlist: through the roof ‘n underground.

28. What did you want and get? a wedding dress and a very specific kind of wedding band. a gay angel. a christmas getaway. animal crossing.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? idk i don’t know how many films i saw this year. maybe mucho mucho amor: the legend of walter mercado

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i was 32. we went to an escape room with a BUNCH of people -- work bff, my old work bff and his wife (old bc he quit and we’ve fallen out of touch :(), the cool new physics teacher and his fiancee, and the aforementioned trump voter and his wife, before we knew... we went out for brunch/lunch after. it was pretty great!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not having to chaperone that school trip in january. dean being bi in english as well as spanish. cas just ilke, appearing in 15x20. not having to physically go back to work this fall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? no! real! pants!

34. What kept you sane? jon. supernatural (in a way?). animal crossing for a while. wellbutrin! i haven’t really been able to detail this yet, but finally i did something about tumblr and my therapist making me think about adhd. my doctor gave me wellbutrin (bc i lack any official diagnosis and was on anxiety meds anyway, and he was like let’s try this!) and it’s fucking. it’s a fucking godsend. surprisingly enough, my students. trying to provide them a safe space has been a calming thing for me.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? jensen ackles’ silence. misha collins again, i guess.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? the summer was so fucking intense. i guess though it was me trying to exert my influence in a responsible way with my students without trying to try to make them feel uncomfortable but then one kid was a vocally upset trump supporter after the election and i had to try to defuse that situation.

37. Who did you miss? my old work bff. several old friends that i’ve fallen out of touch with bc i have no object permanence.

38. Who was the best new person you met? people i met through the spn resurgence!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: if you manifest it in an au, it will come. no really though. maybe that expectations are only as important as i make them out to be.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: usually i have a hard time coming up with anything for this and i default to looking at my most played songs of the year. my most played song of the year received each and every one of its plays within the month of november and you can guess why. anyway see if this works

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met - the night we met, lord huron

[itwilltoteshappen]

I would still loooove to hear your full thoughts on your show whenever you have the time! haha no rush I just wouldn't want you to think no one cares anymore :)

ok! so! hi! I’m so sorry it’s taken my so long to get around to this.  Real life has been stupid busy and then you probably saw that I traveled down to DC to see his show there too and spend some time with some amazing humans.  So let me see what i can remember.  I took some videos at the concert BUT the phone I recorded them on died.  Word of advice?  Always listen to your mom when she tells you to just pay apple the money and let them change your battery for you rather than trying to change it yourself.  You will end up destroying your phone and need to get a new one right away since you’re leaving town ridiculously early the next morning and you need a phone because you’re meeting up with people and you also want to take pics and videos at a concert. ANYWAY. my point is i’m doing this all from memory.  I suppose I should put it under the cut since it’s pretty long.  

So.  When I got to Radio City I’ll be the first to admit I was super cranky.  I forgot my ID at home and I just wanted prosecco and they wouldn’t sell it to me since I didn’t have ID.  Then I got to my seat and while I thought it was gonna be fine sitting along (all of us that went had single seats to RC, none of us were together)...I realized during Muna that it’s not as fun when you don’t have someone to smack with excitement, ya know?  I saw Muna a few months ago in Brooklyn and LOVED them and was super looking forward to their set here and found myself ENJOYING it, sure.  but...I was so low energy and sitting down.  It had nothing to do with them as performers (they were KILLING it).  I was just...cranky.  

Anyway.  I say all this to say that when Harry first came out I wasn’t as into it as I expected.  Especially since the first few songs are really chill.  I didn’t feel compelled to sing along or bop as I normally would.  He was fine...I love love love the opening harmonies on ESNY.  I still find Carolina painfully dull even live and found myself zoning out.  

I really am curious why he chose to open the show the way he did because I really feel it needs more energy in beginning.   But! then when he started to speak...I started to perk up.  and slowly but surely I started getting into it more and more...and singing along and bopping and even jumping up and down even though I was completely by myself.  I was IN IT.  He has this way of just completely drawing you in and making you just want to have a good time.  He is an amazing live performer.  And the whole embrace thing?  I’ll admit I was hesitant at first.  I’m not a huge fan of touching strangers ;)  but like...I fucking loved it.  I hugged this very sweet girl and we exchanged names and talked about our excitement and then I was no longer alone at the concert- I had a friend if only for the 30 mins or so left in the show.  It made it this communal experience and it was BEAUTIFUL.  You can tell that’s exactly what he wants- that’s what he feeds of off.  not JUST the performer/audience interaction, but the interaction AMONG the audience as well.  

There were times where I found myself just crossing my arms and thinking how fucking PROUD I was of this kid.  And then I realized if I felt this way I can’t even begin to imagine how Anne (who was in the audience) must feel.  

Vocally speaking, he sounded FANTASTIC at RC.  My only gripe (and this isn’t about HIM but the arrangement in general) was the lack of the killer harmonies on FTDT. YOU HAVE A BACKUP BAND WHO CAN SING WHY AREN’T THEY SINGING THOSE.  I had hoped it was an acoustics issue and i just couldn’t hear it well but then when it didn’t happen in DC I realized that nope.  he’s just not doing ‘em.  LAME.  JUSTICE FOR FTDT HARMONIES.  He’s making some super super super smart choices.  I know there are certain people who claim it’s because he wrote songs that he can’t sing but my dudes.  literally every live performer does this.  Look at Demi Lovato singing Stone Cold, look at Kesha singing Praying.  Ariana Grande, the healthiest voice in pop music, has done it.  Hell, look at every actress that has ever played Christine in Phantom of the Opera on Broadway.  Spoiler alert?  her big money note in the title song?  pre-recorded.  He’s got SUCH a fantastic ear for harmonies (which looking back, he has worked his ASS off to get.  that’s not something that came easy for him.  He definitely doesn’t have a natural musicality and really had to train his ear).  He knows how to work a song so that makes it exciting and new when he changes it up.  There are some things we’ve gotten used to, but there are enough surprises that keep everyone engaged.  

He has this natural charisma on stage.  One thing I’d noticed when i was watching various TV performances was how I was starting to pay more attention to the band than I had before.  Adam is particularly fascinating to watch because he’s kind of like the dad of the band.  You can see him checking in with everyone, making sure everyone’s ok, everyone’s good, we’re all on the same page.  So I thought I’d be doing that with the live show.  But nope.  There’s something about Harry on stage that you absolutely can not take your eyes off of.  He makes things so much FUN.  He knows how to read a crowd and give them what they want.  

That’s what I found so interesting about Radio City vs. DC.  His performances were a little different at each place.  DAR (the DC venue) is like almost half the size of RC.  I had a better seat and was with friends that I could smack this time.  I feel like the opening had more energy but then again that could be because i was far less cranky. The main difference i’d say was that he was a lot showier at RC.  He seemed more relaxed in DC.  He was having a blast both times which i’ve said before and will continue to say- there is nothing more engaging to watch than a performer who’s enjoying what they’re doing.  I feel like vocally he was struggling a bit more in DC.  made a few more modifications, had a bit more rasp but  again, made some really healthy choices about it.  I’m far less concerned than I once was after seeing him live.  

All in all it was such a truly enjoyable experience.  I honestly couldn’t be more proud of this nugget.  And i’m really sad I now have to wait until June to see him again.  For anyone who hasn’t seen him live yet, you’re in for a magnificent treat.