#also it just clicked to me that literally everyone who survived rc looked awful by the end of it.

[theonlyadawong]

au where everything is the same except ada actually looks like she's been working

[theoreticalreanimation]

Resident Evil: Vendetta Reaction Post- Spoilers

One of my first posts under this handle was a moment by moment reaction post of the last Resident Evil CG film, Resident Evil: Damnation. I figure that since I’ve finally found a viable stream of Resident Evil: Vendetta, it would be a good time to reprise that role and continue my live-reaction of a film that I’ve anticipated for a while. 

All I know about this is that Chris, Leon, and Rebecca make an appearance in this film. I’ve been slow on my trailer uptake.

Here we go!

Beginning with a slow-mo walk. Or just someone being super dramatic- OF COURSE IT’S LEON. BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK ELSE WOULD DIVA WALK.

Leon, staring into a body bag is rarely a good idea. Especially in this universe.  “Never thought my life would turn out this way”. Yeah, you’ve come a long way from being the rookie cop who slept in on his first day.

Why does Chris’ introductions always start off with “So you’re Chris Redfield?” WHO THE FUCK ASKS IF YOU’VE KILLED A LOT? Isn’t that like a super taboo question? I wish they’d quit changing the character’s face models and voices. It kinda ruins the aesthetic/immersion for me. Hahaha, Chris has someone apologizing for asking him the stupid question. 

Baddie is “Glenn Arias” and looks like pseudo-Wesker. Thanks for defining BOW for me random Mexican military bro.

It’s a fucking mansion. Of course it’s a fucking mansion. I’m not gonna lie though, I love the mansion thing. OPEN THE DOOR. ARE THERE PUPPIES? Poor Chris just longs for a bungalow or something. This seriously looks like the Arklay mansion. I’m having flashbacks for Chris. True to form, the first explorable room is the dining room. THE CANDLES ARE LIT AND THE FUCKING BUILDING LOOKS CONDEMNABLE. BACK THE FUCK UP.

There was an upside down fireplace zombie. It peeked out like a cheesy peek-a-boo vampire. 

Note for all: All good things happen at 3am. Including zombie mansion raids and sneaking up on a toy truck wrapped up in bed sheets. Continued footage of soldiers shitting themselves when random noises happen. There’s a zombie child playing with an RC truck controller. SLOW APPROACHING GUYS WITH GUNS. AND THEY’RE NOT SHOOTING. THE KID IS COVERED IN BLOOD AND HIS JAW HINGING OPEN. “ARE YOU OKAY” GOOD THING YOU’RE DEAD NOW BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE YOU EXECUTED FOR SHEER STUPIDITY. Chris, no. Please don’t focus on the stupid truck. This is obviously zombie child’s bait. THERE’S LIKE FIVE OF THEM UNDER THE BED. PLUS THE GROUP THEY JUST GOT. Zombie design is cool in this one. It’s a lot more like the classic ones. HAHA POP A GRENADE in the play room. Oh. Mexican bro is bit. Lights out bestie. Chris, how does your whole team always manage to fall victim to this shit?

There’s a half woman/long-haired man whose exposed spine looks like a scorpion tail. And it’s kind of hysterical. 

CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR BEHIND YOU YOU DUMB-oh, the piano wire trick. Well, the last remaining members of Chris’ team are effective mincemeat thanks to pseudo-Wesker’s preplanning.  I’m glad to see the REverse tap in to the scariness of zombie children. 

Chris isn’t immune to slow mo. Leon diva walks in slow mo, Chris slow mo crashes through a window and then proceeds to have a fight with pseudo-Wesker. Growling “Arias” doesn’t have the same effect unfortunately. 

TELL ME THIS GUY AIN’T PSEUDO-WESKER. BITCH SLAP INCLUDED. God I’m only fifteen minutes into this. 

More interesting ideas of zombies who are trained to attack some people over others. Poor Chris has been shot, disarmed and is facing an incoming hoard so... wait for it. And here... we.... *fanfare* the CALVARY ARRIVES. And title screen. Fuck. I’mma have a lot to say. Rebecca isn’t even here yet.

Cut to a wedding. Arias’ wedding. AND A PREDATOR DRONE BOMBING THE SHIT OUT OF IT. AMURRCA. He’s still holding his new wife’s severed arm. Dramatic and also a lot repulsive. Appropriate reaction to wife’s death? World domination and black market trading of bioweapons. Good response.

Enter Rebecca. Because no one in the REverse believes in changes of hair style in 25 years. REBECCA IS A BASIC STARBUCKS BITCH. “Caramel Macchiato? Did you remember the chocolate chips?” “And the whipped cream on top.” “Good boy.”

Rebecca, who wears a belt over a sweater vest. Judging you hardcore right about now. She also just pulled seniority to not have to collect samples from infected bodies. I liked her more when she was trudging around with Billy. HER POST DOC DOESN’T EVEN REACT WHEN THERE’S HIGH HEELS CLICKING DOWN THE HALLWAY. YOU’RE GONNA DIE.

That was quick. We’ve already synthesized a vaccine and it’s only twenty-five minutes in. Good thing for when we DISPERSE THE VIRUS THROUGH THE VENTILATION DUCTS. 

Rebecca obviously didn’t read the case notes on RE2′s events to show her why testing her new creation on herself is an AWFUL IDEA. Also, I’m pretty sure virology labs have specialized ducting FOR THIS PURPOSE. I feel like Rebecca’s been out of the game too long. She’s just sitting and staring at her zombified post-doc. HE IS LITERALLY THROWING HIS MOUTH AT YOU AND THE REST OF HIS BODY IS JUST FOLLOWING. I don’t care if he bought you Starbucks, bash that fucker in the head! You just risked being in your safe spot by wanderers for a bottled water. I swear to Christ Rebecca. You keep this up I’m not gonna root for you this whole movie. You’re becoming an escort mission. WHO IS THIS BODY SUIT VIXEN WALKING AROUND BLOWING SHIT UP.  BAHA. Chris is just so done with the shit that goes down in his life. “Rebecca. It’s been a while.” “You should be wearing a clean suit. Or at least a mask.” “Yeah well.” NO FUCKS. Neo-Umbrella was so short lived. There’s no point of mentioning it. Tricell too. Scoot on by.

Rebecca put back in something resembling her old clothes so people recognize her. Also having to re-establish her backstory of child-prodigy STARS medic. Enter “In Raccoon City.” “RACCOON CITY?” Now we’re discussing how much of a “masterpiece” (actual quote) Breaking Bad is. FOR REAL.

Leon is drinking hard “Oh, look who it is. BSAA’s golden boy and Dr. Highhopes! What the Hell do you want?” This is weird, they’ve turned Leon into a drunk cynic which is completely opposite his character. Also apparently we can’t go one story-involved installment since 5 making someone an alcoholic. Leon, who has previously (in all animated installments and games) jumped at the chance to help a person or society in some endeavor. “I’m on vacation”. Burnt out on BOWs. Saying he doesn’t remember Los Illuminados because it was so long ago. Chris is staging a intervention by not letting the bartender bring him another bottle.  Leon is looking old. Not even like a nice old, just haggard. Fighting and then gets tired of it not getting any better and just gives up. Realistic but not quite true to Leon’s character.  “So you’ve got on one hand an arms dealer, and on the other, a government that drops bombs on weddings. Who’s the bad guy here?” I’m not liking this cynic Leon. 

"I know that neither one of you are the type of person who would sit here and argue while the world dies. That’s not who you are.” Thank you Rebecca.

Gathering surviving members of Los Illuminados to launch a large scale bioterror operation. 1) WHAT SURVIVING MEMBERS? 2) Leon doesn’t remember anything about them apparently so the world is S.O.L. Sorry. It was just conveniently established.

Leon trying to trade information for help, and then BANE WITH A GATLING GUN SHOWS UP. 

And body suit vixen has kidnapped Rebecca. Probably because she has short hair like Pseudo-Wesker’s dead wife. Y’know, even real Wesker had that creepy photo in his desk.

“There goes my vacation. Again.” Leon you’re drunk and in no condition to fight. I KNEW IT. I FUCKING KNEW IT. PUT HER IN A FUCKING WEDDING DRESS.

HIS WEDDING GUESTS ARE REANIMATED IN BOXES AROUND TABLES. THIS GUY IS FUCKING INSANE.

“I heard that you found a cure for my merchandise.” “A cure isn’t the only thing I found” HOW ABOUT YOU NOT EXHAUST YOUR USEFULNESS IN THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF CAPTIVITY. SHE’S IN MONOLOGUE. 

That’s unnecessarily complicated. Three strains of virus, one airborne, one waterborne.

SHE LITERALLY TOLD HIM EVERYTHING SHE KNEW. REBECCA. I AM SO DONE WITH YOU. GO BACK TO THE CONFINES OF OBSCURITY.

“My team has my research and my blood.” STOP SPILLING THE BEANS.

“-photo flashes up on the screen- That’s Sara. My wife. You look just like her. It’s not a coincidence that we met.”  “Wait. Where are you going with this?” YOU’RE ONLY JUST NOW QUESTIONING THIS? YOU’RE IN A WEDDING DRESS. IN A ROOM DRESSED UP LIKE A RECEPTION AREA. WITH WEDDING GUESTS. NEXT TO A GUY IN A WHITE TAILCOAT. YOU. ARE. OBLIVIOUS.

“I’m redoing the wedding with you.” “Rebecca. Meet Sara!”

NOPENOPENOPENOPE

“I’m going to replace your arm with Sara’s.” NO. 

“What’s going on here?” WHAT DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE REBECCA. CONTEXT CLUES.

Bane 2.0 is bodysuit vixen’s dad. Possibly Sara’s dad too. More on this later, probably.

Let’s release the trigger virus on New York! Because that seems like a good idea where baddies couldn’t possibly get caught up in the fallout of that decision. A plus decision making going on in this place.  A funny detail. They’ve named this virus the A-Virus. The truck distributing it is A-Gua industries. Like someone sat in a board room just pitching company fronts and then everyone has a tear-filled belly laugh for about five minutes before going “yeah, let’s go with that.”

BSAA just dropping hummers and motorcycles. Counter-terrorism measures! Yeah!

Let’s just open the van that’s moving like something’s trying to get out. Because there’s three characters on screen and one didn’t exist before an hour ago, so he’s obviously gotta go. AAAAAAAAAND THEY’RE CERBERUSES. OF COURSE. WHO DIED? NEWBIE MCFRESHFACE.

“Any ideas?” Fucking shoot them, Chris.

Leon is speeding down the streets of New York, during morning rush hour, on a motorcycle, with two cerberuses KEEPING UP WITH HIM. I just can’t do the slow-mo in this movie. It’s too dramatic every time. 

He’s gotta be going like 80 miles an hour.

Oh my god. Leon. No. This is too fucking much. You don’t do a “Cool Guys Don’t Look At Explosions” in a five-second pose on a motorcycle while zooming away. 

Glad to know that they took Rebecca’s blood sample and re-engineered a new strain of the virus in LESS THAN TWELVE HOURS. SOME SPEEDY WORK THERE GUYS.

Oh no, Bodysuit Vixen is down! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE IS YET. Well that was pointless.

Oh, baddie monologue. LET’S EXPOSE THE WHOLE PLAN. He’s even wearing black leather gloves. I also don’t get the point of infecting Rebecca if he wants to pretend she’s his wifey. But, whoever said that mass murdering bioterrorists had to make logical sense?

Chris is on a zombie slashing spree in the facility and is getting blood all over him. YOU KNOW BETTER. Chris and Leon are always each other’s calvary. They show up whenever the other needs help because it’s convenient. Leon is not counting his bullets.

WHAT KIND OF MOVE WAS THAT CHRIS.

“Rebecca’s running out of time!” “Let’s split up!” Good thing you guys brought a whole armory’s worth of ammo and you CAN do that apparently.

Conveniently placed incindiary grenade takes care of all your big problems. Bane’s down.  CHRIS. DON’T DO THE DUMB. Obviously infected Rebecca, veins are raised and blue. She’s CLAMPED TO A FUCKING TABLE. “You okay?” NO. NO SHE’S NOT OKAY.

Another Chris v Pseudo-Wesker showdown. Everyone has a gun and rolly slidy moves. The whole thing is ridiculous and also hysterical. The choreography just makes me ugly laugh. WHERE IS ALL THIS AMMO COMING FROM BOYS.

Oh ouch. That was definitely a concussion for Chris. That was pain. I’m also kind of over this whole RE villain dying in the same installment that they’re introduced into. It makes it really hard to continue a story line and kind of makes them worthless as a villain. Like this guy just being thrown down an elevator shaft and then being absorbed by Bane-lookalike doesn’t really provide for a satisfying continuing villain. Even if he is pseudo-Wesker.

BOSS FIGHT. 

I don’t know what to call this creation. Pseudo-Banker, I think.  

LEON BROUGHT THE FUCKING MOTORCYCLE ONTO THE ROOF. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? THIS IS BRINGING THE WARTHOG INTO AREAS OF THE HALO MAP IT ISN’T SUPPOSED TO GO IN. HE WENT AND FOUND AN ELEVATOR SO HE COULD SIT THERe> WITH HIS MOTORCYCLE. ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING WHILE THE MACHINE SLOWLY STARTS FILLING THE COMPARTMENT WITH CO2. WHY? SO THE MONSTER CAN BE DISTRACTED BY THE BINGBONG AND LEON CAN RUN HIM OVER.

FOR COOL POINTS.

LEON I SWEAR TO GOD.

Meanwhile while you boys are worrying about looking cool, Rebecca is dying. I mean I personally don’t care much but you guys would so I think that maybe this might be something that you should probably speed up and start worrying about.

THE BSAA JUST SHOT A FUCKING ROCKET THROUGH THE BOW. WHICH RIPPED THROUGH HIM AND FOUR OTHER BUILDINGS. MASS CASUALTIES. THE BOW ISN’T EVEN DEAD YET. IT JUST RUSHED THE HELICARRIER. FUCKING COLLATERAL DAMAGE. Now the girl who shot the rocket is dead, and the BOW is giggling. And rightfully so. 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDIN GME LEON PUT THE MOTORCYCLE AWAY

GoDDAmmiT. THE LICENSE PLATE IS BSAA 752. LAUNCHING THE MOTORCYCLE AT A HELICARRIER THAT IS IN THE AIR IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. The fucking wheel hit him in the arm. Leon shot the gas tank. It exploded. THE BOW IS STILL ALIVE BTW.

And then Chris has the idea to hit the big glowing weak point (his heart) with a grenade launcher. Because obviously even though they’ve all been doing this for 25 years, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR. Oh yeah, when the timer goes off Rebecca dies. Good thing Chris found the gas tank with the antidote in it. Thankfully they manufactured an antidote. The convenience of forethought.  ROCKET LAUNCHER GIRL IS STILL ALIVE. I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S A CONTINUITY ERROR.  Meanwhile, we remembered that all of New York is currently munching on each other and we should probably maybe cure them too and not just Rebecca. So they’re all back to normal but their stomachs are full of blood and flesh so... Maybe you won’t eat for a couple days. Leon and Chris are having their flying off into the sunrise moment where they reflect on the events and decide that it’s all worth it, Leon’s probably no longer a drunk, which by the process of elimination means that Rebecca’s going to start adding shots of Bailey’s in her Starbucks every morning. 

BODYSUIT VIXEN! Red-eyed Bodysuit Vixen. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.

I literally don’t understand what this has to do with Los Illuminados except that Bodysuit Vixen and Bane 2.0 were probably maybe from Spain.