#also im sick right now so i cant distract myself with dick

[thehylianplaneswalker]

.

[surgeonirl]

Hi!! If you get this, then it's your excuse to infodump, ramble, rant, vent, or whatever about whatever the hell you want!! Save this till u have something u really wanna talk about, or answer it right now, then send it onto people u think are bursting with stuff to say!!!

okay fuck it here i go ramble about issues time my dudes

sometimes i really want to cry and i have no fucking clue why. whenever i talk to people i feel like im being too much and being to annoying. i hate teen titans go, who the fuck lets a show air and lets it give out stereotypical villains/characters about people from different countries? hm? i forget vol. 333 of tmc exists and ill openly say that. i listen to problematic singers and im clueless about it. i hate everything about myself, i look to feminine and am an ass. my ex was right on me using people to my own advantage, i do that, a lot. im 99.9% sure im mentally unstable and might have the tism but i cant say anything. im also 99.9% sure my parents are abusive but thats not the problem in my life right now. everyone i know is getting annoyed or sick of me i dont like it. anyways. i hate my name, have i ever mentioned that? i hate it. anyways uh. i suppose that its all stupid, life in general. who in the hell said ‘hey lets make a species and give it endless pain and suffering’ WHO THE HELL SAID THAT??? anyways i love the song ex-wives, no word can describe how much i love that song. uh. i wanna cry half the time? thats normal uh. sometimes i fantasise about murdering people, thats normal. whenever a spotlight flashes down on me or near me, death just comes up in my mind, like: ‘is this what death is like’ or ‘i wonder what comes after death’ and its honestly fucking funky. i am a horrible person, really but then everyone says im cool/not an asshole/nice and i just agree. i have no gut to tell people theyre using the wrong pronouns or name for fear they turn on me and make me seem like the bad guy. im treated like a monster for my anger issues. i hate children sometimes, i kick them a LOT. reading over this i think i need pshyciatric help. my parents neglect me for my siblings because hey im the oldest and i can look after myself!! no i cant im literally distracted every five seconds i cant even do my homework. i want to pelt my art teacher into the endless abyss along with my gym/pe teacher like jesus christ i hate those two more than i hate children and thats saying something. i self reflect on every single character i roleplay as or create so thats also saying something. uh, ive broken many bones, not my own, others’ bones and thats funny. i threaten to bash people’s heads into the ground when im annoyed and thats worrying. i also threaten to cut off their dicks.

[patchdotexe]

explorers of arvus: heading back / 3.11.21

zoom and enhonse

LAST TIME ON ARVUS taure passed out and we are now down a healer! also we met a disciple of halvkar, and surprisingly did not murder her. this is fine. we have instantly gotten distracted by our various carts. cats. our various cats

DID ANY OF US CATCH TAURE, SHE FELL OVER sieron tried to catch her and smacked charlie+thorne in the face (he rolled a nat1, f) BUT the catboy is to the rescue bc silje is the designated Not Incompetent of the group today

CONSULT THE CHILD hewwo yrel yrel: her mind is being consumed by the serpent of nightmares. :D charlie: HELLO?????//

so, dendar(?) the night serpent is imprisoned beneath arvus! she was formed from the nightmares of the first sentient being, and sometimes she eats people's nightmares. if she's exceptionally hungry, she'll force nightmares onto people for her to feed off their fear. yrel thinks taure will Probably wake up. there's a thing on arvus mentioned by the locals called a "sleeping sickness" where people will fall asleep for a few days, sometimes longer, but will wake up. its magical in cause, the people afflicted by it have horrific nightmares, and its just kinda. a thing. wowza

(i have gone back to spelling yrel's name as yrel bc i think it looks nice)

OH HEY SOMEONE POSTED A THEORY ON ONE OF MY STICKMOLUS ANIMATIONS man i should get back to stickmolus sometime. once dsmp releases its awful grip on me.

i keep getting distracted by seeing myself in the camera preview. i have a tooth gap! what the fuck its cute?? K I KNOW WE'RE SUPER BLURRY IN FRONT RN BUT PLEASE HELP ME STAY FOCUSED I SWEAR -leo

we're gonna build a sled! to put taure on. thorne: i have a good strength score. ....i say, out loud charlie: i am four feet tall. [cue argument between thorne & sieron about them both being horcs but sieron has a +0 bc strength is his dump stat] OH, OKAY, THORNE ROLLED A NAT20 TO CARRY TAURE. NICE

[discussion about what to tell everyone at camp vengenace] thorne: the last thing we need to do is a witch hunt charlie: --and we already hunted the witch! the witch has been hunted.

time to discuss strategy! we need to figure out how to head back to camp vengeance, eg if we want to follow the path we already took or if we wanna do some trailblazing. looks like we're gonna try and take the most direct path! which means we'll prolly risk tangoing with some undead but im willing to risk it TINY HUT STAIRCASE sorry i just remember it now and then

nyx: [meowing at his cats] thorne: uh... why is silje meowing? jorb: silje's food bowl is empty jorb: you look at silje's food bowl and there's a divot in the middle and the food is all on the sides emotionally, we must bully the catboy silje saw something interesting and started meowing

thorne: ill take first watch silje: ill also take first watch. charlie: [quietly] gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy (but, like, extended for 15 seconds)

silje: [takes watch] [rolls a nat1 and gets distracted by looking at his crush]

THORNE HAS LOCATED A DOG the dog does not give a shit about the tiny hut. THE DOG HAS PEED ON THE TINY HUT goodbye dog

EVERYONE IS ROLLING AT LEAST 1 NAT1 thorne: wow! that sure is a dog. thorne has drawn the worst possible dog. thorne has erased the worst possible dog. we dont speak of the worst possible dog its the dog version of honse. DONSE

sieron is now on watch! MAN we are havin trouble rolling today. at least kali's here to make sure sieron doesnt stare at a rock for 50000 years sieron sees a mouse! bottom text

charlie is now on watch! kali is havin a big ol thonk. nothing meaningful has come of this

i am perceiving some deer. sieron is not perceiving some deer. silje is perceiving some deer, but better the deer are fucked up and undead! silje has gone from "we should hunt these deer for food" to "we should hunt these deer for sport"

charlie: i do not feel like being jumped by five thousand skeletons

charlie takes first watch with sieron! WHY ARE OUR ROLLS SO TERRIBLE taure is super cursed right now. that's not very pog charlie: this place sucks. thorne: to be fair, we havent-- charlie: YOU'RE ASLEEP, SHUT UP

oh hey coolname galvanic finally partied. nice.

thorne is at watch! solar: hey, is leomund's tiny hut an orb? there's a critter digging around! AH, THE CRITTER IS UNDEAD. this could be a problem

solar: hey michael, how much does the horrific sin against god dog i drew look like this creature michael: [dice roll noises] about 50%.

michael: if anyone likes, they can make a nature check-- solar: ME MEMEMEMEME ME ME ME

its a bulette! aka a land shark. problem: they are not normally undead. this one is undead.

jorb: imagine if you could tame one of those and use it as a mount. leo: IT WOULD JUST DIG UNDERGROUND AND LEAVE YOU THERE

we are just calling it a weird dog

we're going to mail a letter to the heart of arvus. HEY, CHECK OUT THIS WEIRD DOG,

JORB FOUND ART OF A BABY BULETTE. WEIRD PUPPY!

solar: hey guys, check out this sick art of a bulette i found

silje kept a lookout for the weird dog but its just fucked off. goodbye, weird dog give it up for day 3!

man there's been like, three incinerations today in blaseball. what's up with that. I SWEAR IM MOSTLY PAYING ATTENTION its just been an eventful day in blaseball. also im wearing my garages bomber rn. jaylen is home wooOOOO the wind smells stinky. this is fine.

we're actively avoiding whatever combat michael keeps nudging at us bc we're carrying around an unconscious person and i SWEAR hes gonna throw something directly at us once he's done with our shenanigans

UHH MICHAEL ASKING FOR PASSIVE PERCEPTION LOL

huh. this place used to be inhabited? we're in the woods rn but there's some like, stone ruins? like, VERY ruins. like, not really any structures standing, but enough evidence to show there Were things. WE FOUND A STATUE charlie: i want to smash my face against the lore.

used to be a circle of standing stones, but most of em fell over or got overgrown. inside of the circle has been cleared, although v roughly-- ground's torn up statue is of fjolnir! warrior holding up a spear and shield. AH, THERE ARE CORPSES, a human got REAL fucked up here. one of the corpses is straight up impaled on fjolnir's spear. n ... not pog.

i am trying so, so hard to pay attention. but i also kinda wanna take a nap.

charlie: [stares at statue] [rolls a 4] i wonder if he had a dick.

okay so something rolled in, tore up the overgrowth inside the circle, and murdered a couple dudes. and was also super tall and human-adjacent. hrm.

oh my god why are we rolling so shit today. time to stealth away and hope we dont get casually dismembered

k: jorb's hair is so long... leo: K, PLEASE,

time for a break! i am very tired but im gonan see if i can push through a little further. nyx is petting his cat why do orangatangs look like that

first watch is thorne and sieron! have they even, like, talked thorne unhabby ): thorne's worried we were tresspassing when checking out the statue, meanwhile im thinking about that one time when sieron got bit by a groundhog

(oh my god this is from late 2018)

leomund's tiny hut, aka the anti-sea bear circle we are getting SO much mileage out of the tiny hut. SILJE HUMS A SONG WITH KALI cute........... FINALLY I HAVE ROLLED ABOVE A 14 wait no i rolled a 16 twice. anyway we are not dead

nearly at camp vengenace! boy howdy i hope camp vengeance didnt get burned down. AH FUCK TAURE IS UNCONSCIOUS SO WE CANT CAST FOR DETECT POISON kaepora nearly made us all shit ourselves but its okay he just saw some bison and thought it was cool Michael Is Consulting Several Tables

WHY DOES JORB'S CAMERA ZOOM LIKE THAT why am i hungry. i have so many questions

HEY, TALL GUY [smacks sieron]

camp vengeance looks better! like, nobody's Obviously Sick anymore, the medical tents arent overfilled, we did it! we saved the dayyyyyy time to report to ryder! taure's getting dropped off at the medical tent

man remember when charlie didnt wear pants

oh man, with taure unconscious charlie is now taking point with social interaction. wild. jk im making jorb do it bc im tired HAHA NAT 20 PERSUASION BC OF ME HELPIN SIERON man ryder is such a cock. he was totally ready to keep throwing troops at heaven's brazier to die until we managed to persuade him out of it. jorb: did we tell ryder about the vision? michael: you kinda just took a look at him and went STINKY BOY!

okay yeah anything that dies on arvus will just pop back up as undead. man, arvus sucks.

ryder: alright, dismissed. charlie: seeya, soldier boy! :D hahahahaha im gonna eat his knees.

SILJE NEEDS ENRICHMENT IN HIS ENCLOSURE

charlie: ive decided he sucks. silje: we've already arrived to that, you're late!

LMAO WE WALKED IN ON INGRID AND HER CRUSH they fuckin. nice. you go, you funky lesbian

jorb: we've got the tiny hut, we could go anywhere leo: we could go to SPACE! nyx: we could not go to space. leo: WITH A TINY HUT STAIRCASE, WE CAN,

we are 320 miles away from the spaceship that exists on arvus. nice.

michael: justin sees you-- roll a strength saving throw. leo: i cant wait to die! [rolls a 3] I AM CRUSHED BY MY DOG michael: he rolled a nat20.

BOSS ENCOUNTER: CHARLIE'S DOG (the small circle next to him is one of the medical tents.)

THORNE IS PACT OF THE GUN solar: PARRY THIS, YOU FUCKING CASUAL

sieron, to ingrid: seems like youve been doing well charlie: i punch sieron. sieron: sieron: the camp, of course.

man we have no idea if the heart of arvus is actually related to the prophecy or not. theres a Lot of stuff lining up, but not enough, and its hard to say how much of it couldve been literal?

solar & michael: [discussing exposition] me: [cracking up bc penn sent me a funny dsmp joke]

prophecies are weird.

charlie is just s she is just sitting here SILJE PLAYED CARDS REALLY GOOD AT ME nyx rolled a nat20 and took all my money

oh cool we can talk to yrel telepathically! time to hoist yrel. THIS IS SO SCUFFED thorne mentioned yrel and now we're trying to explain to ingrid that we have a magic talking snake charlie: I WANT TO GO HOME. thorne: we cant go, we have a GOD-KING to kill! "i think theyre insane, theyre talking to a snake" "ingrid, druids exist" "oh. im gonna go back to getting railed by my 7 foot tall girlfriend"

[leadrains]

i crave comfort media right now so im not actually rlly looking forward to watching this but i guess this franchise is comfort media for like. crazy people. so there u go.

why is it so fucking dark bitch turn on the lights

he has a pussy little bitch baby voice

i literally cant see the fucking screen

this is giving very much early 2000s movie cringe

ew dead body

who is he

hey it's the princess bride guy i was just thinking about that movie

if they survive to escape they're gonna die of fucking tetanus

the party city plastic chains

ik he's just responding realistically to this situation but the brunette (adam?) is so annoying

why the fuck would a dead body move dumbass

why is blonde acting like a weird brooding hero type

the body has the cassette thing right

is the key gonna work for literally anything why is it even there

this seems like it would be a fun role to play

who's the body is that explained in one of the other 10 movies

oh my god ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew

WUAAAAAAA EW EW EW EW EW EW WEJDKWJDJSJ EWWWWW EWE WEWLD NO NO NO NO BAD BAD

arggggg

that sawing sound was so fucking irritating

ew

can they stop fucking focusing on the corpse jesus christ

bootleg fucking broke hold on

what the fuck 💀 fuck jigsaw why he targeting suicidal and sick people bro do this to billionaires

ok doctor kind of a dick

man the site keeps fucking buffering god fuck

an entire different piracy site also isn't working someone doesnt want me to watch saw

a third site almost didnt work god is really overestimating my drive to watch this movie

is the jigsaw guy one of lawrence's patients

was he the patient he was just telling students about

i didnt catch the name i have a vague idea of the saw storyline

is that amanda

oh girl the sound mixing is fucking atrocious oh my god

this editing is also atrocious bye this is horrible to look at

her outfit is cute

do not show it on screen please

okay thank you

idk personally if i went through something like that i would not be like hmm lemme put other people through that too

HAHA WHAT THE FUCK

STUPID UGLY LITTLE CLOWN

honestly like just kill adam dawg

jumpscare jumpscare

no? yes? stop

oh adam is a piece of shit

hes bitchcore and evilpilled for that

the pacing on this movie is weird bc it jumps around in time

they should have gotten a warrant tbh this is not gonna end well

ok the ugly little puppet scared me

ummmmm

they should have called for backup and also they should shoot him

SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM JUSG FUCKINV SHOOT HIM

this is so tense

OH SHIT

OH SHIT

YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING IDIOTS

YOU SHOULD HAVE SHOT HIM THE MOMENT HE WALKED IN

FUCK

THIS IS SO FUCKING UNFURIATING

im literally ready to turn off this movie out of anger

WOOOOOOOO HE FUCKING SHOT HIM

jumpscare?

NO

HOLY SHIT

OH MY GOD

OH MY FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING FUCK ALL ASS BITCH GOD

im so fucking mad im sooooo mad im screaming into my pillow and thrashing and biting and clawing im killing killing killing murder die

if the jigsaw guy doesnt die by the end of this movie im never watching another saw movie /srs

im not strong enough for this shit

why is she such a fucking freak bye

she dont need to do all that with the costume

adam is such a piece of shit bye i hate him

this CANNOT be yalls pathetic meow meow

im trying to understand the hidden messages

💀💀💀💀💀 BYEEEE THEYRE SO FUCKING STUPID

THE FUCK WAS THAT

there's still 40 minutes in this movie dawg the fuck is gonna happen

why was he stalking lawrence

that's gay as hell

why is it dark and silent im scared

turn on a fucking light

oh my god the fucking buildup im literally gonna shit myself if there's a jumpscare

yes beat the stupid little puppet

im still scared

can this scene be fucking over please god

jesus christ

ok i was distracted during the jumpscare so i didnt get like scared but my blood still all flew out of my body

what the fuck is adam's deal like who even is he

sorry adam but im like rooting for lawrence tbh

why is adam so pathetic and small i need to roll him into dough

who the fuck is adam dawg

why is he

i think it would be fair for lawrence to kill adam idk just go for it man

i know the black guy aint jigsaw

it would be a really good cover for lawrence if he was jigsaw but unfortunately he is not

like ur a suspect so u set up a trap where ur forced to kill someone for ur family idk it would be a pretty strong cover

but he is not jigsaw

what now

there's 20 minutes left

if he kills the kid then im smashing every breakable object in my reach

SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM

SHOOT HIM

hhhhhhhhhh oh my god

NOOOO NO NO NO NO PLEASE GET HIS ASS PLEASE PLEASE FUCKING PLEASE GOD OH MY GOD

THIS IS SO STRESSFUL THIS IS SO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

OOOOO YEAH STAB HIM

NO NO NONO NO PLEASE

YEAH YEAH YEAH GET HIS ASS COME ON

NO NO NO

NO NO

FUCK MOTHER OF

COME ON MAN

AYO WTF WTF WTF OH MY GOD

DID IT JUST KILL HIM IS THAT IT IS HE DEAD

WHAT'S HAPPENING

this is so stressful

this is so

YOUR SHIRT YOUR SHIRT USE YOUR SHIRT TO GRAB IT

ARGGGGG

OH GOD OH NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA JFUSJSJDJSIDIKDBDJS BSJSISUSHDBE AAAAA DJSJA SBSJSJA S DBAISNNSBSHSH AAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa hooOOOO AAAAAAHDHSHSHDB A A A AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA GOD GOOD GOD

NO

ARE YOU FUCKING

ARE YOU FUCKIMG KIDDING ME

ARE YOU SERIOUD

ARE YOU

REALLY

REALLY REALLY

i literally need to pause to breathe i cant stand this im so overwhelmed

i already know that this is not going to have a satisfying ending and im gonna be so fucking mad

let me just take a minute

ok im not ready at all to resume but there's 10 minutes left i just need it to be over

COME ON ADAM COME ON GIRL GET HIS ASS KILL HIM

oh damn ok

i mean yeah that's effective he's probably dead

lawrence is gonna die from blood loss he's not getting out of there

this is so fucked up and evil

my heart is full of hate

come on babe get out of there find a key

WHAT THE HELL

THAT DEAD BODY

THAT'S HIM??? THAT'S JIGSAW HE WAS SITTING THERE PRETENDING TO BE DEAD THE WHOLE TIME???? REALLY?????????

please dont fucking die

if adam dies ill be mad

NO

ARE YOU SHITTING MY DICK

FUCK

GOD DAMN IT

I HAD HOPE FOR A SECOND I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A SATISFYING ENDING NOOOOOOOOO

dash always so full of saw even though i follow 0 saw accounts. going 2 watch saw now

[smuttyfairy]

i just finished watching thirteen reasons why and im telling you guys it's not something people with mental issues should watch. i have ptsd and i have been sexually assaulted 3 times and i couldn't stop crying up to now whenever i remember something i cant just- it's so hard you know being reminded of something bad that has happened to you. but im okay tho, i can handle it. but the thing is that watching thjs triggered a lot of things in me. and you know the suicide thoughts recurred but im

working on how i can change that and relieve it. i dont want to the butterfly effect to happen to my loved ones. i want it to affect those people who have hurt me. i love my family and friends. i love my friends even if they betrayed me a lot of times. i would feel alone because no one ever defended me. they befriended the person who sexually assaulted me because they needed favors from him. and to those people who knew no one came up to me to ask me if i was okay or what. they didnt do anything

but idk maybe it’s because of the good things that they’ve done and the happy memories we shared that kept me still wanting their company. that happened when i was in 9th gr. but in 10th gr people made made up a rumor of me having a sex video. it wasnt true though i swear. and that resulted for me to have these teachers to pick on me, talk about me. and assume things. it really hurt my feelings bc one of the teachers failed me so i could not attend our “moving up ceremony”. i felt sad and alone

okay wth i forgot where i left off. but anyway, they were the ones who spread rumors abt me too. they threw me under the bus. they like befriending people who have hurt my feelings. i cant even forgive them up to now. but they did help me with a lot of things too. they helped me a lot. they’re nice people but sometimes they just want to save their own skin, act cool, and all those “popular kids” do. my group and i are popular at school and they value that so much. im the only one who befriends

those “quiet” kids. they call me weird and stuff for being different. i love them but sometimes it’s just too much to handle you know. they expect me to do tons of shit for them but when it’s my turn to tell them im having problems of my own they tell me their busy or they give half-hearted replies. i just dont fucking know anymore. every time im alone i think of all these bad thoughts and it makes me hurt myself physically so i could stop thinking about those bad thoughts

my life right now is a total fucking mess. and idk what to do anymore you know. everything is so hard. oh and when my friends asked “the guy” why he did what he did. he blamed me for giving him “signals” which i fucking didnt. because if i did give him “signals” i could’ve kissed him you know. fuck, even the mere thought of it makes me sick. my friends also blamed me for it. victim blaming fucking hurts especially when the ones who did it are your friends.

sorry for cussing. im just so angry at everyone. but i have to hide it so people wouldn’t worry abt me. i dont like being a burden so i’ll just keep it all to myself. sorry for ruining this wonderful acc’s vibe. it’s just that everything has taken its toll and i dont have anyone to talk to. thank you so much.

---->Hey anon~ sorry for my late reply I really wanted to just take a seat and relax and take the time to read and thoroughly answer this for you without the whole rush of trying to get this posted.

I’ve seen the first couple eps of 13 Reasons Why and man, I may not have mental problems nor depression but gaaahhh…the first ep had me triggered because I had a similar situation like that happen to me. I won’t lie that watching that ep made me feel a little sad and regretful and sort of empty in a way???

So definitely I wouldn’t recommend it to someone who has depression and/or mental issues because it is a show on very sensitive topics. I mean, it is a good show! Don’t get me wrong! I know they wanted to make the book come to life and perhaps get the message out that young people have their life struggles and how to change it or fix it or prevent it and etc BUT MAN OH MAN it’s still hella triggering.

And back to you anon, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this :/ sometimes the people who say they’re your friends are so quick to turn on you when they hear a “rumor” about you with a guy. I know bc this something on a much simpler level happened to me once (a stupid rumor similar to Hannah in ep 1) and I can’t believe how powerful one rumor and one guy can get to cause a group of friends you thought you knew to turn on you??? Like man…what’s wrong with people? It’s definitely painful and heartbreaking when no one is on your side and believes you and you have to deal with it alone :/ It breaks my heart to know you’ve gone to no one about this serious issue with that dick bag low life of a guy. He doesn’t deserve to see the light of day hun and you should definitely report it to someone :/ I’m so very sorry again anon 😔

Also, I’m upset that your suicidal thoughts recurred yet so glad to hear you’re trying to change and prevent yet this from others. You’re a strong soul my love, keep on holding out ❤️ Everyone may feel alone and feel like there isn’t a way out and that no one can help them but in actuality there are people just like them who suffer similar issues. Definitely voicing out that you need help is a great step compared to keeping to yourself. There are people in your local community who you can go to, school counselors or therapists, hotlines you can call, and people all over on forum boards or social group chats you can talk to and discuss these problems with. No one wants to suffer alone and no one wants to be alone.

You’re a good person anon, I can feel it. The world needs more people like you honestly. Your so called “friends” treat you horrible in my opinion? They seem to fall into the pressure of wanting to be popular and not getting judged harshly by others. Tsk tsk tsk. Is popularity really that much important?? Honestly though, none of your middle/high school social status lives will matter once you graduate. No one actually cares about that once you, you know, finally “grow up”, so,,,,, jokes on them. (Of course what you learn in class is always going to matter ^^)

But good for you anon! You befriend people who your questionable friends would not. I’m glad you do because everyone could use a nice friend like you even if you are under-appreciated by them and neglected by them. Thank you for being such a good person to them. Honestly though, they probably don’t deserve a friend like you :’)

I just know you’re in a lot of pain and I know you don’t want to be a burden anon, but trust me. You don’t want to pent up anything like this and you oh most certainly do not need to feel like a burden to not make the people around you worry. You should definitely voice out your feelings and you should do it to people who care. Perhaps maybe your friends and teachers may not be a choice in that matter, however the option of calling a hotline to voice these issues would be much more helpful and hopefully beneficial for you.

I hope you slowly take the steps to get better and relax your mind and body from such stress. Deep breaths in and out are very helpful, get some fresh air into those lungs anon! Listen to music and sleep, cleanse your soul even if you’re bored! Take up new habits like exercising or maybe painting? Draw your mind’s attention away from your problem and distract yourself with things you can enjoy doing. Take care of yourself and please make sure you contact someone when you feel you’re at your lowest. Feel better dear💗

-All my love,Admin Smuttyfairy

[whining-ego]

Blog update: first post

tw: abuse

music in my earphones is too distracting for me to write the greeting

this blog is deficated to me, wholely, solely, purely to me, my ego, and my whining. and i know it might get negativity. i do. but honestly will i even remember this blog in a week or so

but hey, babbling bout oneself is totes fine, innit? there are ton of blogs out there. nothing special. and i dont claim myself to be neither special nor ordinary. because either option is egoistic as fuck, (only in relation to me dont worry). with this much build-up, take that: i think im mentally ill/neurodivergent, and the diagnoses change day to day, and thats what i base my life on

hooray yer so special!!! congratz!!!

and i dont wanna change. like if i ever got diagnozed with anything, (even not on list), id be 'ooohhhh yuuuhhhh!' and. done. ima not gonna change my life for better. meds? cool. talk therapy? awesome. actually getting up yer ass up? understandable have a nice day

i dont know where it comes frome. perhaps its child abuse i experienced, something along the 'if im sick then people like and care for me' lines, yet honestly i cant remember most of the stuff or i feel great deattachement from the memories. either way, as i said, im not willing to change my lifestyle in any way.

thats why it might hurt people with actual diagnoses. because they struggle day to day to live their lives, theu fight for rights and understandement, then here i am with wild fantasias and 'please be patient im xxx' cap

(to be honest, i really see myself being called out. having drama. and it gets me excited and immersed into these scenarios. what would i answer, how to hide in case of total failure. i crave attention no matter the source apparently)

thats kinda why im making this blog. because i know my friends and relatives have their own problems; my whining is not worth their time. like when two people at the same day cried by my side (both in reality and in the internet) and i felt so. overwhelmed. like dayum bitch how do i comfort them??? never was my strong ability. so wasnt empathy. not tryna be an edgy kiddo here, but yea. egoism.

i wanted to do a listing of different diagnoses ive ever thought of having; most likely it will not be complete, since i dont remember vast majority of anything that was three days before.

currently, most suspicious of: inbetween adhd/autism, additionaly dissociation/depersonalization-derealization (the first one would explain both my childhood and present day, the latter is just something i have started to experience about half a year ago)

honorable mentions: depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, dysthymya, cyclothymia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, hoarding disorder, panic disorder, hypochondriacal disorder, dyslexia, schizophrenia, maladaptive daydreaming, and so on and so on and so on (like whole dsm list)

forgive me god for spamming in those peoples feed who will be looking for mentions of these above on tumblr

oh and also i want to become deaf. i know well that it would affect greatly my life, to the point i will suffer and suffer greatly, but everybody deserves a small guilty pleasure eh?

at different moment of my life i have immersed in these conditions soooooo much. researching information, projecting those disorders on my favourite characters in all sorts of ways (remember madd?), acting out real situations. it becomes my whole life. and then it shuts down and im not interested anymore. kinda like with everything else interesting, hence adhd.

and this blog will be a place where i can let myself out all i want. be as much of attention whore as i want. talk illogicaly and shitty and whatelse. heck yeah freedom

im not willing to change because i dont see a point. i love my comfort zone (fucking hate this phrase), i love being a stick in everybodys else bikes. and thats not a self-hate talk. i genuinely understand that i lack motivation or interest in changing, therefore i wont. if people leave me i just find different ones

(but i still believe it is not acceptable to talk this egoistically, to act this childlishly, not for me not for me. had really bad times because of this way of thinking)

enjoy this paradize of selfishness and laziness! i love feedback

just dont me dicks youselves

________________________

ive been meaning to write this post since like 3pm and its 11pm now even though everything i had on my mind this whole time was "write this post!!!" but then i decided to reinstall os on my computer and it took three hours and after that i was too exhausted to do anything. so around time i started writing this i was surfing youtube and stuck on one particular video. i found it interesting but at the same time i needed to write! this! post! so i kept nervously watching the red line of time and simultaniouly wanting to turn on some music even though the video had audio and agggrhh. here we go. by the way i started writing This Post with this paragraph, not the main part, despite the fact that i dreamed so much about writing it. yay

[grubhivemind]

-- primadonnaTartuffe [PT] began pestering invincibleDetective [ID] at 19:56 --

PT: so hey.

PT: uhh.

PT: its been one whacky afternoon.

ID: Whacky afternoon is how you describe an afternoon of harmless pranks.

ID: At least it is from my experience.

PT: yeah alright so its not the most apt way of describing it.

PT: its been a rollercoster of bullfuckery and the ride dont fucking end but im no longer losing my shit so i can maybe try to wrap my head around the situation.

ID: That's a little better.

PT: i dont know what happened after i left but theres no way she didnt bring you up at all. unless someone stopped her??? but...

PT: im just wondering what was said. i cant remember any of the things i wrote considering i was pretty fucking blazed at the time. all the time.

ID: Should I copy it verbatim?

PT: yeesh...

PT: maybe.

PT: probably.

PT: yeah.

ID: @Jack Crocker "i dont know if what i did actually made any difference with jack or if it just kinda expedited the inevitable lol. it just seems like after finn told him what i did things got that much worse. i just wanted to be there for him and try to distract him from everything going on in his head but why the fuck would he want me around knowing the shit i was pulling and there was nothing he could do about it? i cant stop obsessing over everything i couldve done differently even NOW which is extra fucked up. i should be moving on but i cant. if i had my shit together then maybe just being there wouldve been enough. maybe if i had been tougher... who the fuck knows! i just know i wanted things to be chill for us on top of everything else he was going through. lavela always getting on his ass and the visions... i already gave him some shit to think about that he didnt ask for. i didnt wanna be another bully in his life."

PT: yeesh x2...

ID: It was not a pretty thing to display out in public, no.

PT: its some shit.

PT: im sorry. like yeah i didnt post it up there but you dont need that shit out there anymore than i do??? ugh.

PT: can we... talk about it? in whatever ways that might entail. im pretty much fumbling through this.

ID: I'm not so sure I can help.

PT: im not asking for help!!! i just want to know... what you think?

ID: Hm.

ID: That's a toughie.

ID: But I know I'm not surprised.

ID: We already established that there was nothing functional about us being together when we needed it the most.

ID: Whether or not I helped perpetuate that is just a given.

PT: i mean? yeah she didnt really air out anything new with regards to our whole... thing.

PT: but thats... good? isnt it? like at least theres one person im not bottling shit up about.

PT: which im not saying that to pat myself on the ass like congrats on the progress.

PT: i was peeking at some of the stuff joel said later and even tho im still pissed at him hes at least right about a few things. obviously it aint news to you that im the disassociation queen but i dont know??? i just...

PT: wanna clear the air. but i dont want people to just lie down and take whatever it is ive got to say. you know??? im sick of that. i wanna be real.

ID: It's a reasonable thing to want.

ID: But I barely have my own shit together. Hanging by a thread that it is.

ID: I can try to help you but honestly... I also can't guarantee I can manage that much.

ID: Often times, I wonder how it is I made it this far.

PT: dude once again im not asking for your help??? im asking you to just talk to me and theres no fucking quantity of shit gathered that you need to hold a conversation with me that doesnt spiral into some kinda nonsense of what i expect from you.

PT: im just being me??? and i just want you to be you.

PT: you think i know how im still kicking cuz i dont. but i am. and so are you. it just is??? and its... good. it doesnt have to be more complicated than that.

PT: like the point here is if the things nona repeated made you feel some kinda way i want to know cuz it matters to me. like how i feel matters to you? which i know neither of us know how to fucking deal with that but if we just... talked then maybe we could.

ID: Maybe.

PT: this bitch one word replying ass... maybe... smh.

PT: i just think its a better alternative to hanging out in your own head all the time. that shit is exhausting.

PT: i could help with the load you know? i want to.

ID: I know you do.

ID: But stay tuned as Jack Crocker struggles with feeling like an actual person existing in reality.

ID: I'm just giving you a hard time.

PT: why give hard times when you can give hard dickings? ;(

ID: I mean I could.

ID: Doesn't mean it's advisable.

ID: I don't know.

ID: I suck at this significantly.

ID: That's not another innuendo.

ID: It's just true. And I'm sorry.

PT: baby im sorry that youre struggling.

PT: i get it though. again weve established we both suck. but im glad we can at least talk about that lol.

PT: if you need your space to process everything i get it. i mean it. im not disappointed.

ID: Thanks.

ID: Sorry I can't be more responsive or.

ID: Present even.

PT: i mean i miss you. and i like knowing what you think.

PT: but just telling me that articulating that is a struggle is still... telling me how you feel. right? its still us being honest with each other. thats how i see it anyhow.

ID: Thank you... again.

ID: I'm going to go.

ID: Sorry.

PT: its cool.

PT: ill see you.

-- invincibleDetective [ID] ceased pestering primadonnaTartuffe [PT] at 21:47 --