#also im seeing bts in what like 17 days??? so stay tuned for that

[yoon-ing]

Not So Unaffected

Jungkook x Reader 

Word Count: 6.2k

[A/N]: i love jungkook with my entire being; happy belated birthday my baby boy

When your plan to convince your ex you’re not that into him goes completely wrong

Putting yet another bobby pin in your hair, your gaze leaves your reflection for a moment to meet the eyes of your friend who is perched on the corner of your mattress, staring at you with nothing but disappointment written across her features.

“Is this really necessary?” she asks, finally speaking up after sitting around your apartment for the last hour and a half watching you run up and down trying to find the perfect shade of blush, or draw the perfect wing of your eyeliner, or get the perfect curl despite almost burning your scalp more than once.

“Three years. We dated for three years and it took him less than a month to move on?” you bite back, your tone bitter and full of resentment.

“Still, I don’t think this is a good idea,” she says, reiterating the same thing she has been saying since you first mentioned it to her a week ago.

Releasing a sigh, you swivel around on your chair to face her. “I’ll be in and out of there in a flash, I just need to show him how unaffected I am by this.”

“But you aren’t unaffected,” she points out and she’s right, because if you really didn’t care, you wouldn’t be running around like a mad woman trying to make yourself look better than you ever have.

“Well he doesn’t need to know that,” you reply pointedly. “Now come help me zip this up,” you say changing the subject as you step into the dress you purchased for this specific event, the gown long and blue, navy silk hugging your curves, dipping down to leave your back exposed.

She doesn’t say anymore, doing as told, zipping her lips and zipping your dress. You spin around to face the full length mirror, taking in the reflection that feels so foreign, a dolled up beauty staring back at you. Awkwardly, you adjust the fabric that wraps around your thighs, playing with the material that falls to the floor, so smooth and soft, but mostly unfamiliar.

A whistle comes from your friend as she steps up beside you, her eyes focused on your reflection, looking you up and down. “Jeon Jungkook, you’ve got another think coming.”

“Do I look okay?” you ask shyly, beginning to wonder if this is too much. Every concern of yours is being hushed away until the taxi is pulling up and you’re stepping in with a nervous heart.

-

Each step is calculated and careful, the fabric of your dress balled in one hand as you focus on not stumbling over your own feet. The marble floors are covered in a protective red carpet that makes you feel fancy and you follow it down the hotel lobby, stopping in front of large wooden doors where a woman behind a small podium asks for your name. Her finger trails down a list of guests and the thumping in your chest makes part of you hope that she doesn’t find it, but she looks up with a smile and says, “enjoy your evening, Ms. Y/N.”

A slight nod is all you can muster in return and a polite smile pulls at your lips for only a moment before the doorman is opening the entrance way and stepping aside to let you through, your composure wavering as you struggle to find the courage to enter the grand room. The first step is overwhelming with music and chatter filling the air, the soft lighting of chandeliers bringing warmth to the room; there are bodies scattered throughout the space, some dressed in gowns as elegant as your own and others in black ties and perfectly pressed suits. Waiters move between the crowds ensuring flutes of champagne are always topped up and hors d’oeuvres of the most expensive kind are being served.

This is supposed to be some sort of charity gala for Jimin’s company, but you know it’s only an excuse to throw an elaborate cocktail party whilst making himself look good. You’ve never attended in the years previous, too intimidated by the corporate world, but when Jimin personally called to ensure that the offer still stood although you and Jungkook had split, you found yourself accepting the invitation.  

It takes you a matter of seconds to spot Jungkook in the crowd, standing tall in a suit tailored perfectly to his body and you allow yourself to admit that he looks stunning, but before you can get swept up in his perfect hair and charming smile, you pull your gaze away and redirect your attention to Jimin.

“Wow… Y/N, you’re breathtaking,” Jimin greets instead of a usual ‘hello’ when you approach him.

“You think?” you say, awkwardly fidgeting with the fabric of your dress, “it’s not too much?”

“No, no, you’re beautiful,” he reassures, “can I get you a drink?” Jimin doesn’t wait for a response and waves over one of the servers holding a tray of champagne.

He hands you the glass and you gladly take it, needing something to wash down the nerves that find their way into your throat. It doesn’t take long for the rest of the boys to spot you, greeting you with open arms and tight hugs and soon, all anxiousness is forgotten and you begin to enjoy yourself. It feels as if nothing has changed, they’re all joking around and treating you the same as they always have, something you’re grateful for.

As much as you’re enjoying yourself, you can’t shake the feeling that someone is watching you, and for good reason too, because the number of times the boys’ eyes stray past you to someone in the distance you don’t need to look to confirm who they’re looking at.

“If you’ll excuse me, there’s someone I need to say hello to,” you tell the group once there’s enough bubbly in your system. They’re wary to let you go, but with the glances you’ve spared to the man across the room, it’s not you they should be worried about.

Jungkook looks equally as uncomfortable as he does stunning, and boy must you admit he’s a looker. It’s obvious he’s not expecting you to be here, especially with his little miss draped around his arms, but you don’t feel any sense of jealousy, instead your confidence levels are soaring with the way he watches you, almost as if he can’t believe his eyes. He looks at you as if you’re the only person in the room and each step closer gives you more courage, sauntering over with your hips swaying and his eyes shaking.

“Fancy meeting you here,” you say once you’re standing face to face with Jungkook.  

“Shouldn’t I be saying that to you?” he questions with a raised eyebrow, trying to hide how obviously fazed he is by your attendance.

A sly smile lingers on your lips for a moment instead of offering a response and you direct your attention to the girl standing beside him, doe eyed and innocent.

“I’m Y/N,” you introduce with an outstretched hand. She doesn’t bat an eye as she takes your hand in hers and tells you her own name is Kim Jiwoo. She doesn’t know who you are and that in itself is a small victory, she can’t possibly be important to Jungkook.

“How do you two know each other?” she asks politely, making small talk.

“We-” Jungkook begins before you cut him off.

“We’re just acquaintances,” you finish for him and while she stares at you attentively, your gaze is locked on Jungkook, catching the hurt that flashes across his eyes momentarily before he composes himself and takes another sip of his drink.

But you’ve gotten everything you came here for, so you retreat back into the crowd, away from the confrontation that you refuse to admit is killing you and look for Jimin to announce your departure.

“Running away from Jungkook already?” Namjoon asks as he walks into the conversation you’re having with Jimin, that’s mostly just you making up excuses.

“What- no, I just-” You’re unable to come up with something to say before Namjoon is holding out his hand to you.

“How about a dance before you run off like a damsel in distress?”

You let him take your hand and guide you out onto the floor where the crowd is sparse and instead bodies sway to the live band that has music bouncing off the walls.

“He hasn’t been doing well,” Namjoon says after a moment of neither of you talking.

You know he’s staring right at you, but you can’t bring yourself to look up as you speak back. “So? What does that have to do with me?” The words come out harsher than you intend and the aftertaste is bitter on your tongue.

“Y/N, I know you care about him.”

“Cared,” you correct, still averting eye contact.

“No one comes out of a 3 year relationship and instantly stops caring.”

“That’s what I thought,” you remark with what comes out as resentment, but it doesn’t take much to see beyond your mask that it pains you and you’re no longer referring to yourself as your eyes travel to Jungkook downing drinks with his date’s arms wound tightly around his waist.

Namjoon doesn’t pry anymore, all the answers written in the way your eyes sadden each time Jungkook leans down to whisper in his date’s ear, holding her close as they share a secret conversation that has her lips stretched into a permanent smile. It’s not until Namjoon is speaking once more that you realize your eyes have been glued to the other side of the room.

“You’ll stay and chat for a little while, won’t you? Not for him, but for us?”

You can’t decline the request, especially when the boys have been so kind to you despite the termination of your relationship with Jungkook; you’ve been meaning to catch up, you know they worry when their texts asking how you’re doing go unanswered.

Your dance with Namjoon doesn’t last to the end of the song with Hoseok stealing you away, claiming that Namjoon has been hogging you. After the polite amount of dancing, you’re finally able to get a break with the excuse of wanting another drink and Hoseok is happy to accompany you to the bar before the two of you join the other boys.

-

“She’s not even that pretty,” Jimin chirps when he catches you staring across the room once again. You know he’s trying to make you feel better, but your eyes tinted green with envy don’t hide the fact that she’s gorgeous and you give an absentminded nod as your response.

“I bet her personality isn’t even that great,” he continues, taking baseless digs at her.

“She seems a lot nicer than the other girls.” A figure looms tall behind you and you hardly make out the voice to be Taehyung’s as your insides twist, your stomach knotting in a tangled mess as it dons on you for the first time that this isn’t the first girl Jungkook has been with since the split. An ‘oof’ from behind you tells you that Taehyung has just taken Jimin’s fist in the stomach before being dragged away, their presence being replaced by Seokjin coming up next to you.

“How many?” you ask, your eyes trained on the man who continues to break your heart into more pieces than you ever thought possible.

“I don’t know, Y/N,” Seokjin says quietly, unsure of how to respond.

“Is that what Namjoon meant when he said he’s not doing well?” you inquire.

“I mean, I can’t say for sure, but… probably.” And that’s enough confirmation for you. “We’re worried about him.”

“He seems to be doing fine to me,” you bitterly remark, your tongue lodged in your cheek as you give Jungkook one last glance.

-

The evening is going smoothly, you’ve managed to keep your cool despite the blood boiling in your veins. You focus solely on the drink in your hand, watching it bubble each time Jimin waves over a waiter to top off your glass. Conversation remains mostly between the boys, you taking no initiative to join in unless directly addressed, too busy trying to keep your composure to be actively social.

You feel him coming before anything else, some sort of sixth sense you’ve acquired over the years that announces his presence before he does. Your head is the first to turn before six others follow and all eyes are on Jungkook who is no longer on the other side of the room but merely a few steps away, coming straight to the group with his date latched onto his arm.

He comes up next to you, to squeeze into the circle of his friends and a rush of panic surges through your veins, your body acting on its own as you not so subtly step aside. Seeing the way you cower away, your confidence wavering, Jimin wraps an arm around your waist to ground you and you’re able to come back to your senses without drawing any more attention to yourself. Gratefully, you smile up at Jimin and tuck yourself into his side, feeling a lot more comfortable even though it’s someone else’s warmth you want to be wrapped up in.

Jungkook spares only a glance in your direction before turning back to face his friends, clearing his throat to draw attention to himself, as if everyone wasn’t already staring at him.

“I’d like to introduce you all to my date, Jiwoo,” he announces. “Jiwoo, these are my friends, Yoongi, Hoseok, Taehyung, Namjoon, Seokjin, Jimin, and-”

You stiffen when he gets to you, hyper aware of all the eyes boring into your skin.

“Y/N, right?” she cuts in, giving you a friendly smile.

You want to hate her, but you have no valid reason to; it’s not her fault that Jungkook is a complete jackass, and with a smile as innocent as hers, it’s hard not to smile back.

The polite amount of ‘nice to meet you’s and hand shaking finds it way around the circle until the boys are engaging in conversation once again. Jiwoo‘s instinct is to turn to you, your face being the most familiar of the group although you’ve only met an hour earlier.

“Are you and Jimin together? she asks with genuine curiosity and the way Jungkook’s stare focuses on the hand around your waist, you almost feel guilty, as if being here in Jimin’s embrace is wrong. But you convince yourself otherwise because Jimin is your friend and right now he’s being nothing more than a support system; and it’s not like you’re cheating on your boyfriend because that relationship seized to exist three weeks ago when he broke your heart and is now standing in front of you with a date of his own.

“Unfortunately no, but any man would be lucky to have a girlfriend as beautiful as her,” Jimin replies in your stead. Each of his words are directed to Jungkook, sharp as darts as Jungkook clenches his jaw ever so slightly, indicating that Jimin has hit the target right in the bullseye.

“Oh,” Jiwoo says, clearly surprised, not getting the answer she expected, “well you two look good together.”

You’re not sure what Jungkook was hoping to accomplish bringing this girl over here, but whatever it is, it’s clear it has backfired in the way he shifts uncomfortably on his feet, his tongue lodged in his cheek as his eyes keep gravitating to the place where Jimin’s hand rests on your waist.

“Aren’t they cute?” she asks Jungkook, and you think you’re starting to like her and the way her every word so naively pushes Jungkook closer to the edge.

“I’d expect Y/N to have better taste in men,” Jungkook bites, his tone nothing but hostile as he stares at Jimin as if he’s strangling him in his mind.

“I agree,” Jimin says, this becoming a stand off. “Y/N has terrible taste in men.”

Jimin’s response is a jab at Jungkook, but you can’t pay any attention to it because this is the first time Jungkook has said your name in almost a month and it sounds so much better than you remember, as sweet as honey in the way it drips off his tongue, asking to be eaten up by your lips.

It takes everything in you not to run up to Jungkook, stop this useless argument with a kiss you know he won’t reject, but before you can act on your instinct, Hoseok and Namjoon are coming between Jungkook and Jimin, stopping the banter before it escalates into a full-fledged fight, and in turn saving you from doing something you’ll regret.

With a disapproving shake of your head, you turn on your heel to walk away, only to have your name called out by the voice you’ve been yearning to hear. You stop in your tracks and Jungkook makes a move to step closer, reaching out to you in a way that’s so natural to him that he’s taken aback when Hoseok and Namjoon interject, acting as a wall between you and Jungkook.

Anger flares in his eyes at the protective nature all the boys have developed around you and him, feeling offended that they would even think you need protecting from him of all people.

“I’d like to speak to you alone,” he says looking at you, “if your bodyguards-” he practically hisses the word with his attention flashing to Namjoon and Hoseok for a moment, “-would allow me.”

The two look at you, waiting for assurance that they get from a small nod of your head, before they move aside and Jungkook is clear to follow you out.

-

“What are you doing?” Jungkook demands once you’re alone. You’re hardly out of the party when he begins to speak, following closely behind you as you find quiet in a hallway that leads to the restrooms.

“Me?” you ask, whipping around to face him, slightly offended. “What are you doing?” you bite back.

“I’m not doing anything, Ms. Flirts-With-Her-Boyfriend’s-Friends.”

It’s too late by time he notices his slip up, the word ‘boyfriend’ hanging in the air without the recent ‘ex’ attached to the beginning as it has been for the past 3 weeks.

“You’re not my boyfriend,” you speak no louder than a whisper, your face hard as you stare into the distance, unable to bear looking him in the eyes.

There’s only a moment of silence between you and him, the muted music nothing more than white noise as the tension so thick feels like it’s stuck in your throat, suffocating you until you can’t breathe anymore. When Jungkook’s next words cut through it, it’s jagged and sharp, painful as it forces its way through the two of you.

“Do you want to know why I like her?” he asks, with an expression that says he genuinely believes this is the right way to direct the conversation.

“Honestly, no.” You answer truthfully, and you can’t believe you’re standing here having this conversation with him, because why in the world would you want to hear the man (you don’t want to admit) you’re in love with, profess his love for another woman?

“She reminds me of you.”

Silence. He’s waiting for you to respond, trying to read your expression that goes through a range of emotions before settling on a mask that you hope seems indifferent.  The first is anger – angry that he has the audacity to come here and even say these things to you. Next is confusion, why is that his reason for dating her? Your confusion quickly transitions to sadness, your heart feeling for him that he’s so hurt he has to look for you, and what you and he had in someone else. But finally, you realize it’s no longer your concern, he’s the one who ended it, you shouldn’t have to worry about him when you have yourself to worry about.  

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” you say, your face stoic and uncaring. But the truth is you can’t talk about this anymore. No matter how nonchalant you may look, your heart is hurting, for yourself, for him, and for what you two used to be. Your throat burns trying to hold down the sobs that threaten to rack your body and you don’t know how much longer you can stand here pretending like everything is fine.

“Y/N, please,” he desperately begs, his voice reflecting the hurt that is etched onto his every feature. But it’s too late, you’re already turning on your heel and beelining it to the ladies’ room, leaving him behind to crumble on his own as he once did to you.

-

By time you slam the door behind you, the tears are already pouring and your legs can hardly hold you up. You stumble to the sinks, planting your hands on the counter to stable yourself, the cold surface feeling refreshing against your hot skin. One look in the mirror and you let the sobs take over your body, crumbling to the floor with the weight of your guilt and sadness pushing you down. You look pathetic, you knew that much, make up already streaming down your cheeks when you saw yourself in the mirror and now crouched down on the bathroom floor with your face buried in your hands; it isn’t a good look on you.

It doesn’t take much for you to come back to your senses, suddenly becoming hyperaware of where you are and what you’re doing, as if you’re a child throwing a tantrum in public because your mommy won’t buy you ice cream. You can hear the clicking of heels coming down the hall and you pull yourself up, wobbling into a stall with the tears already drying on your cheeks. A few more sniffles and you wipe your nose clean with more toilet paper than necessary, going silent before you hear the door open and the click clack echo into the stall next to you. With the sound of a flush and the tap being turned off, you open the stall door to let yourself out of hiding, standing in the middle of the bathroom, more alone than you have ever felt before.

You take a good look at yourself, what are you doing? Standing in a bathroom crying over the past when there’s a magnificent party going on right outside the door. You look stunning, save for the mess that its your face, but your hair is still in place, dress falling beautifully over the shape of your body. Who were you kidding? This isn’t you. You aren’t some high end, champagne-drinking, beauty queen socialite. This isn’t your scene, it never was. You came here for one reason and now that that reason has completely shattered you to pieces once again, it’s time to call it a night, admit to yourself that your best friend was right about coming here and seeing him. It was self sabotage from the very beginning, knowing very well that this wouldn’t have and could never have worked out in your favour.

You’re just about finished putting on your face once again, your mascara back on your lashes and no longer smeared down your cheeks, when you hear the door open. Not making much of it, you continue what you’re doing, not paying any attention to the party guest who just entered the small space.

“Y/N,” the voice is quiet and shy when it comes from behind you.

You look up in the mirror to see Jiwoo’s reflection staring at you; her twiddling thumbs and timid gaze tells you she’s intimidated to be standing here with you and her eyes don’t stay locked on yours for long. Putting the cap back on your lipstick, you turn to face her, your most pleasant fake smile plastered across your face as if you didn’t just have a complete breakdown on the bathroom floor.

“What’s up?” you casually greet, keeping it short to avoid the inevitable cracking of your voice that comes hand in hand with the emotions lodged in your throat, threatening to resurface at any given moment.

“You and Jungkook… you’re not just acquaintances, are you?” The way she carefully asks her question, it’s obvious she already knows the answer.

“Who told you?” you ask in response, filing through the boys in your mind to figure out which of the group would be the most likely to let on your not so quiet past with Jungkook.

“No one,” she says to your surprise and before you can ask how she knows, she’s answering your question. “He’s drunk, Y/N, and he said he won’t listen to anyone but you.”

Your heart sinks at that, Jungkook knows his limit and rarely does he go over it, but that’s no longer your concern. “I’m sorry to hear that, someone should call his driver.” Your response sounds harsh even to your own ears and you repress the guilt that has you wanting to take back your words, to run outside and find Jungkook, to comfort him and bring him home with you.

“But-” is all Jiwoo can get out before you cut her off.

“I really have to get going,” you say, tucking your clutch under your arm and walking around her to exit the bathroom.

Your escape doesn’t go as planned; in your head it was rather simple, you would disappear into the crowd and slip out the door without anyone noticing, home free as you hail a cab. There was just one teensy flaw: Park Jimin. He’s like a hawk, circling around until he finds his target, narrowing in on you before you can even glance in the direction of the door.

“Y/N.” There’s urgency in his voice as he reaches out to grab your arm. “I’ve been looking all over for you, Jungkook is out of control.”

You have to physically remove his hand from your arm when you stop in your tracks. “I heard, and I’m sorry, but that’s really none of my concern.”

“Y/N, you don’t mean that,” he tries to push, but it’s obvious you’re not having any of it. “Fine. Don’t do it for him, do it for me. There are business deals on the line and I don’t need word getting out that my charity ball turned into some drunken fiasco.”

He has talked you into a corner, it’s a solid argument and yeah, maybe you can find a loop hole if you really tried, but he’s giving you an out, a reason to be next to Jungkook and hold onto him the way you so wishfully spent the evening yearning for, no judgement from those around you for going back on your word of staring clear of him and no guilt in the pit of your stomach for doing exactly what you told yourself you wouldn’t. Taking a steadying breath, your response of ‘fine’ hardly has the chance to slip off your tongue and into conversation before Jimin is grabbing your hand and leading the way.

When they said Jungkook was out of control, they weren’t exaggerating. Leaving the dimly lit ballroom, it doesn’t take much to pin point Jungkook on the other side of the hotel lobby; it’s him against four security guards, struggling to unlatch himself from the men who have him pinned to the couch as he makes a fuss, cursing at them to let him go while threatening to have them fired from their jobs. Yoongi and Namjoon stand alongside the commotion, sighs of relief leaving their lips when they spot you and Jimin across the room and Jungkook’s attention is redirected to you as you approach the scene.

“Y/N!” Jungkook calls out, bolting out from his seat and almost knocking over the four men that hold him back. They struggle to contain him, their strength incomparable to his, and if he weren’t outnumbered, he would’ve plowed through them by now.

“It’s okay,” you say to one of the men, giving them the okay to let him go.

The security guard looks over at where Namjoon and Yoongi stand watching over the scene and a nod from Namjoon has their grip loosening on Jungkook’s arms, allowing him to break free of their restrictive hold.

The sheer force that he comes plummeting forward almost knocks you off your feet and his body slams into yours, his arms keeping you upright as they immediately wind around you.

“Y/N,” he calls out once more, the sound muffled by your hair that he nuzzles his face into. He’s blubbering words that you can’t quite make out and you’re pretty sure he’s at the overemotional stage of drunkenness, practically sobbing into where he has buried his face.

There’s hesitance in your every movement, unsure of your actions as you raise your arms that have just been hanging limply at your sides, to wrap them around his waist. You’re unsure how to feel, conflicted with all the emotions spinning in your head. The longing to hold him has been unbearable the past month, but just moments ago you decided that it’s time to get over him once and for all.

He feels exactly as you remember, his waist slim and shoulders broad, making you feel so small with his body wrapped around yours. He smells like the cologne you were so fond of, bringing you back to the days where you could spend all day just in his arms. It feels right – like home – no matter how many voices in your head tell you it’s wrong.

You’re pulled out of your thoughts when Namjoon’s voice sounds from behind you.

“His driver is outside,” Namjoon says, continuing once you’ve unlatched yourself from Jungkook to face him. “Will you be okay getting him home?” And it’s not a question of your physical capabilities, but rather your emotional wellbeing.

“I’ll- we’ll be okay,” you say with a soft smile, reassuring him of all his underlying concerns.

-

“Would you like me to wait for you to come back down, Ms. Y/N?” Jungkook’s driver asks once the car has pulled into the parking garage of Jungkook’s building.

“There’s no need for that, I think I’ll stay with him awhile longer,” you say, brushing away the hair from the eyes of the sleeping boy on your lap.

A fond smile forms on his driver’s face and he gives you a small nod. “Very well then.”

“Jungkook, we’re home,” you coo softly, gently shaking awake the boy who looks so innocent and childlike, scrunching his nose and squirming away at the thought of leaving dreamland.

Once you get Jungkook upstairs, his couch is the furthest you can take him without crumbling at his dead weight in his drunken state. You lay him down carefully, trying your best not to just let him slip from your arms and end up on the floor. Once you’re sure he’s comfortable with a pillow tucked under his head, you stand from where you had been crouched down and attempt to turn away.

Before you register what’s happening, Jungkook’s arms wrap around your waist from behind, and he pulls you back so you fall onto the couch, seated on the edge with your back pressing against him.

“Y/N, don’t go, don’t leave me,” he says almost in a whimper, his tone still drunk but sounding desperate.

You shift on the couch so you’re facing him, looking down at him and the way his eyebrows furrow and lips pout. He curls his body closer to you and continues to mumble soft pleas until you hush him, petting his hair as you coo him to sleep. “Shhhh, don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.”

Morning comes around with Jungkook still on the couch, feeling detached and alone when he opens his eyes and sees no sign of you. I knew it was too good to be true, he thinks to himself, forcing himself to sit up even though every gravitational pull on the planet tries to keep him down. His head spins and he can’t tell if the shitty feeling that has his stomach upside down is a result of the alcohol or because part of him actually believed you might have stayed by his side.

Jungkook sits with his head hanging, feeling sorry for himself and for the mess he’s made of his life when he hears the familiar beeping of the keypad on his front door, followed by a brief chime and the sound of the lock opening. He can hear the door open and his heart thumps so hard it’s lodged in his throat, because the only other person who knows his passcode is –

“Oh, you’re awake,” you remark once you enter the living room, kicking off a pair of slippers that are far too big for you.

“Y/N,” he barely manages to breathe out. If he thought you looked stunning last night, the way you look in an oversized sweater that he recognizes as his own with your hair pulled up in a ponytail, is immeasurable in comparison.

“I just stepped out to grab some coffee and carbs for your hangover,” you say casually, holding up the cardboard tray that holds two americanos and a bag of delicacies from the café across the street.

You cross the space to place them down on the small table and although you seem nonchalant, and even maybe cheerful, on the inside you feel like your ribs are closing in, squeezing your lungs so tight they might collapse, suffocating you from the inside out.

“I thought you left,” Jungkook quietly let’s out, not making eye contact with you when you take a seat on the couch. He nervously plays with the cuff of his shirt, still dressed in last night’s attire.

“Of course I didn’t leave, silly.” You try to lighten the mood, but to no avail because Jungkook doesn’t even glance in your direction, doing the most to avoid your gaze.

It’s painful sitting here with him, neither of you know what to do; what are you supposed to do in a situation like this? It stays silent for awhile and you don’t even move in fear of disturbing the still air that threatens to stifle you.

“I miss you.” He doesn’t move, doesn’t look at you to gage your reaction, and if it wasn’t for everything that happened last night you’d think it’s just your imagination, making up the words that you want to hear.

“I miss you too.” Your voice is no louder than a whisper.

“You do?” Jungkook asks quietly, finally turning to face you. He sounds genuinely surprised and it hurts your heart that for even a moment he doubted that you still love him.

“I do.”

“But everything you said last night,” he replies, not needing to say anymore. Your mind flashes back to that horrible scene in the bathroom hallway, how coldly you treated him when you turned on your heel and walked away.

“I was just trying to protect myself,” you tell him honestly.

“Do you think we could give this another try? Give us another try?”

You don’t miss the desperation that flashes across his eyes, and you want to say yes, you want to stop him from hurting, but your own suffering makes you hesitate. “How do I know it’ll work out this time?” you ask, sounding out your thoughts so he’s not sitting here in agony wondering what’s going through your mind. “How do I know you won’t just walk away again?” It hurts you to say it, to even think it, remembering how it felt just weeks ago when the relationship hit a rough patch and he packed up and left.

“The day I left you was the day I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I’ve regretted it every minute since.” His words are sincere, holding the truth you’ve hoped to hear since that dreadful day. “I knew I was wrong Y/N, trust me, I knew. From the moment the words left my mouth, I knew I made a mistake. But I didn’t know how to take it back. I was a coward, I was scared to face you after everything I put you through.” He pauses just for a moment, remembering to breathe. He reaches for your hand and you don’t pull away when he takes it in his. “I can’t lose you again, please, just consider it.”

“Jungkook, I – ” But you fall silent, unsure of what to say, your mind too much of a muddled mess to form a coherent response.

“I know it’s scary, Y/N, but you just have to trust me.”

“I… I don’t know if I can,” you barely manage to squeak and tears spill over at the sheer amount of emotions you’re feeling all at once.

“Then let’s not get back together,” Jungkook says, and his words feel like a quick jab to your heart. He brings a hand up to your cheek and rests his palm on the skin that’s flushed red. The pad of his thumb wipes away the tears and he lifts your face to meet your gaze. “Let’s start over.”

“From the very beginning?” you ask, your voice hardly audible.

“From the very beginning.”

“Okay.”

He smiles at you that heart stopping smile that has you automatically smiling shyly back.

His hand leaves your cheek and instead he stretches it out to you. “Hi, I’m Jungkook, it’s nice to meet you.”

Taking his hand, you can’t help but laugh at his quirkiness, already feeling the butterflies that have been tangled up in your tummy break free of their cocoons.

[shytiff]

Small August Wins

1 - DL, did my part for PKP, read a bit about leprosy reaction (PKP related), watched a cute movie tune in for love, ara stayed over at my home, edited 1 pld article

2 - exercised a bit, edited 3 pld articles, DL, finished ppt tinpus PKP, walked to the nearby lake with ara, ate nasgor smoked chicken (been a while!) and jco donuts and my tummy is happy, felt afraid with DV exam huft. I hope I can prepare myself properly

3 - DL, edited 1 article, went to school together w ara, deep fried by dr adhi for my minicex (but i am grateful for the opportunity), emir took a while to pick me up (he left home 1530 and arrived 1715) so i did some status work, arrived at home super hungry but moms food is delicious and wow glucose is finally in (after previously supported by nasi uduk and 1 jco donut) and the pain from today sort of fades away.

4 - DL, tried to study as much as i could (the panic is real), went to kencana to get dr adhis signature at 12 but he replied my chat at about 1330 🙃 , finished self reflection, group called with my group for exam prep

5 - did not DL bcs i fell asleep!! Thank god for streak freeze, met up with dr adhi in poli regarding minicex bcs turns out he brought my status etc, hes very kind 🥺 dr yudo kindly took his time to answer questions via wa voicenote even though he had a tiring day 🥺 bless all the kind people in this world

6 - DL, alhamdulillah passed the exam with dr sondang and dr larissa even though i was being a dumb ass student (thankfully theyre patient enough). Honestly panicked during the morning, i was super afraid. Searched some drug dosage for renata. I hope she passes the remed!!

7 - slept and lazed all day :( edited 1 article, dv closing. Managed to say thanks to dr yudo even though i was lowkey near tears bcs i cant for the life of me say something even mildy emotional, DL at like 15 mins before midnight

8 - finally at lvl 3 DL by cheating with my notes lmaoo, ate burgers and half pizza by dcheese pizza but had mencret2 the next day lmaooo, watched bosscha virtual sky sightseeing

9 - DL, watched Summer Vacation, edited 2 articles, put some sheet mask on (the numbers surely diminished since my cousin took some 🙂 ), pretty much watched youtube all day. At night i dreamed going to a villa that kinda looks like matamori, and the villa near it was also booked by other groups of friend, and i was recording snow falling from the sky and snow on the cliffs, but there was also a snake under the bed, and writing patients resume -_-(?)

10 - DL, read pem psikiatri cbt batch 1 optima, 25 CBT PADI, a fruitful 2,5 hr discussion with dr Heriani, SpKJ

11 - DL, poli with mendel hari and dr Khamelia, SpKJ, mustered some courage to do the ppt, phoned the patient to ask a little bit more, fell asleep and thank god i’ve prayed isya

12 - DL, lazied and played get rich, felt sick and was sick, nose congested, head starting to hurt, i dont know what is it that triggered my emotions but when my dad asked "tiff kok bersin2?" i felt like i have no privacy and they were too intruding and i wept silently in my room (bcs ppl outside can hear) and yall my nose just goes 100% blocked. aint accepting air today. Massaged my face around the sinus area until i can somehow breathe nicely and fall asleep. (took about half and hour of snot cleaning, drinking and mulling around)

13 - since i felt bad abt lazying i started my day early. Woke up at 5. Put on tretinoin, 15 CBT PADI, DL, naskah psikiatri WIP (Work in progress). It rained today. The sky was grey half of the day, which I LOVE. I felt better and more cheery, especially at abt 4-5 pm when it was raining hard and im snuggled in bed. The laptop stand arrived and bitch it was fucking amazing. My back and neck muscles felt less awkward and/or sore working at my ergonomically-awful table and chair combo turned ok thanks to laptop stand!!

14 - DL, poli with dr cika, crashed aras place (drank thai tea, ate flip burger and sausages), it felt refreshing to be in a different place rather than seeing my room all day everyday. Afterwards ara indah and i ate po noodle bar, the taste was kind of herbal (not brothy) in a good way. Tried some sort of gyoza, it was good too. Juan got accepted at USU civic engineering. Went to atikahs place, passed a red light and i got ppl a bit annoyed lmao sorry :(((, talked with atikah until 1-2ish pm

15 - richeese and fried rice for brunch time, went back home (felt socially refreshed!) to see 2 bottles of sbux coffee i ordered, claras nastar and vit d supplement from tokped. Did RPS and ikhtisar for naskah. DL. Sbux' coffee still upsets my stomach lmao but it did keep me awake and focused enough til 11 pm

16 - DL, after staying over at friends place i feel.suer content to be just at home. Ate while watching erna limdaughs vids, sleeeept

17 - DL, naskah WIP, whipped myself to go do naskah by drinking caramel macchiato and playing coffee - bts. It tasted better when i hear jks soothing voice

18 - DL, finally panicked a bit and did ppt, read a bit abt bipolar, chugged hazelnut dolce latte and somehow its not bitter anymore it actually tasted good. Talked w mendel and hari a bit abt the patient

19 - the dr actually showed up to zoom while i was opening other screen and i didnt realize (ultra embarrassing!!!) basically my diagnosis for axis I and II were wrong. She was kindly explaining and i was more dissapointed with myself but at least its all over? Talked w hansel a bit. Revised a bit of naskah. Submitted hardcopy of naskah and refleksi to mbak Asma. Went to ara. DL, ate gwen's dimsum (quite good and fulfilling). Planned to go to kashiwa but we ended up getting bakmi akiaw. Went back "home" to DM, took only 35 mins.

20 - DL, slept half of the day since im on my period (what even is daily structure), woke up in the evening, decided to start “the folk of the air” series. Binged the first book in one go, from 8 pm to 1 am lmaoo

21 - DL, finished the series at night. it’s nice but not as good as six of crows duology. bts comeback with dynamite!! :) i love them. its scary to think they are still progressing and going up and getting better stats. When will it all stop?

22 - discussion with dr natalia spKJ at 7.30 am, DL, drank matcha latte at starbucks airport hub (been a while! It doesnt taste quite good as i remembered) while backing up HD data at drive and some padi CBT (finished TO 3. After all this time, only to 3?!), felt a bit better after i went out, read a falling cohabitation again

23 - DL, danced to baepsae, slept in the afternoon (my body is too weak nowadays)

24 - DL, psychiatry closing, 1 pamela reif vid, 2P (CBT PADI)

25 - DL, made latar belakang for propeks nemo

26 - DL, 4P, rapat nemo

27 - DL, met up with atikah pupuy @ toska, tried yogurt and fruit, mac and cheese, vegan mentai rice and had dinner @ bakmi gm. mom somehow told (and allowed) me to go back home (it was 9 am and i was abt to stay over at atikah’s)

28 - DL, i dont feel like doing anything helppp, i know there’s stuff that im supposed to do but i cant bring myself to do it. a week will pass by, a month, and before you know it exam will arrive

29 - DL, ordered burgushi, i literally have no strength to go at static bike (can only do for a couple of mins), didnt rly do anything else bcs im in a slump nowadays

30 - its scary that the month is almost over again. my life just goes away like that but i still dont feel like doing anything, DL, tried to follow some dances on youtube to move my body

31 - DL, 2A, 4P