#also im not finished with it but i do know habit kills her. horrid

[razbotz]

my contribution to the everymanhybrid fandom in specific

dont expect more. or maybe do idk

[vivalasthedas]

Really long stream on consciousness ranting personal family bs

I used to like my mom? I used to love her. 

She’s the person who did terrible acting when i decided to make a movie using plush toys when i was 7. 

She let us turn the entire downstairs hallway into an ‘art scene’ birds eye view of a dog kennel complete with my idiot friends and me dressed as makeshift dogs. (It was a bit they used to to on either SMart or ArtAttack, I can’t remember which) 

She kept me home from school when my pets died, she let me and sister play hooky and took us into London for zero queues at christmas grottoes in stores where the lines oculd be hours. 

She was there. 

All these things, I don’t remember them. I know them because of pictures I went through with my dad last week and it hurts because I should remember this. I should be able to remember liking her. 

But all I remember is her telling me not to react when her twenty year fuck boy partner put my comfort object in the freezer and lied to me about it until i was in hysterics. 

Her finding it hilarious when the same fuckhead stole my scooter and rode it around the house and didn’t give it back. 

I remember her chasing me around the house to smack me

I remember her shouting at me over the phone when i was at boarding school and had the nerve to be angry that she’d known my cat had died for months and didn’t think to tell me 

i remember her being six hours late to pick me up from school 

I remember, at 16, hearing the story of how she nearly died of recreational drug abuse in amsterdam, when she had two kids under the age of ten at home and she thought it was hilarious. 

I remember her drunk ass passed out on the bathroom floor

Is it fair I only remember the bad? Cause I don’t want to. 

But she changed, her relationship with that man changed her and changed our relationship so completely. 

We moved without me seeing the house once. I get that you don’t give kids final say, but you involve them in it at least a bit? She lied about letting me take the 11+ and go to a grammer school. She lied until my teacher, months later, took me aside after a practice exam and said my mom never sent in the registration forms she told me she did. 

Because she was going to send me to the boarding school that was closer than my sisters day school. At 11 years old they drove past that place 4 times a day to drop off and collect the sister. 

I was in the new house for a week before i was sent there. 

It never felt like home. There were so many new rules and everything was to be looked at not touched. Because Andy. Fuck boy mcfuckface. From one of those skeevy slimey essex families. Told to bag a rich woman by his parents. Thought things had to Look Perfect and Be Pretty instead of be a home. Thought a kids room with visible toys was Bad. 

Thought an 11 year old kid was too old for them. 

Also thought he didn’t need to knock on teenagers doors. Repeatedly. 

Also thought it was okay to threaten physical violence at 15 year olds and brandish knives at them. 

His own BS stopped my mom going home, it stopped us being a part of a family anymore because he didn’t want to go to new york. So We didn’t get christmas with people who knew us, we didn’t get months of summers spent wandering woods and being little shits. We didn’t get random halloweens in a place that actually Did Halloween. 

And when we went back he didn’t get that they didn’t like him. The entire family mocked him endlessly and he didn’t get it. That was fun. And years later I found out that my second cousin and most of the family had the same thoughts I did when the mother left us for two weeks to go to Vegas with him and leave us in the care of relatives in NY without really warning them beforehand, and made a habit of that sort of behavior. 

That the second she met him, he became priority, and he was. 

We moved because it was closer to his work and easier for him to drive. He stopped her doing anything. He made her codependant and helpless. 

I know, I’m sure, I think, she used to put up fences and do the actual work at our house. She knew how to use power tools and make shit. She grew up on a working farm and was alone since she was 16 she was capable of so much and being so strong and he took that away from her. 

He made her helpless

he fatigued her of all abilitiy. 

She can’t do that now. She can’t even put up a shelf, she wont even paint the walls in her house or change a fucking light bulb. He did that. 

So I don’t know. 

I should know the good. I want to. But she isn’t who i sometimes have flashes of, who she is in those pictures. She isn’t that person anymore because people change, not always for the best. 

And I’m so tired of trying sometimes cause we just start fighting. But I should. I want the parent the pictures show her as. I want that woman in my life. I want someone who’d care when i told her big news, not shrug it off. Im going to use tv anaologies again because it’s all i have when talking about parents really, i don’t want an emily gilmore anymore. 

I don’t want a grace hanson. 

I’m tired of that shit. 

I want Roseanne ffs. I want the brush, loud, strong but fiercly protective momma hen i’m told she was and that shows in these pictures and vague memories. But I don’t think that’s going to happen anymore. Because she’s not there. 

She’s 

I don’t want my entire childhood to not exist until i have physical evidence in front of me jogging ideas of locations and things and animals. 

I am angry. I am angry at HIM for doing this. For changing her, for breaking her, for taking away the parent i should’ve had. And I’m pissed off at her for letting it happen. For not caring or trying to have a relationship with her kid. For blaming her 12 year old for being a bitch instead of trying to work on anything. For letting a school of cold catholic nuns raise me more than her. Fuck it, TV raised me more than her. I can pull up 90s sitcom families and mothers so quickly because it’s how i attempt to remember who she was, by putting her in those places. 

But is it fair because she wasn’t exactly great anyways. The anger shit, the swearing the lying the shitty alcohol issues those were there already. I have no doubt he exacerbated and enabled, but i don’t think logically it’s all him. 

I don’t know if she’d have done so much of the traumatic shit i do remember as a teenager if he hadn’t been there. 

Would she have screamed at me and a doctor for fifteen minutes straight about how much of a waste of time it was to take me there when my school told her i needed help. 

Would she have said I wasn’t her responsibility because she paid the school to deal with me? And blamed me for my shoes falling apart and her not buying me new ones which got me in trouble so many times because i had to wear trainers or shoes kept together with duct tape. 

Would she have ignored the letter I wrote, desperately asking her to help me, begging her to take me seriously, would she have ignored it and then let me never leave my room for two months, get kicked from my A-level courses, and then throw my ‘stupid little letter’ in my face when months later i felt up for trying something new that involved getting away from her. 

Would she have noticed that i went from a happy productive older teenager who had a job and read so many papers and had an idea of what they wanted to do with their life when they were thousands of miles away from her, and then when forced to return because of reasons beyond my control, slowly reverted back into that ‘horrible little shit’ as her fuck head ex put it. Would she have seen that and thought Maybe there was a reason. 

Would she have thrown things at me and screamed for three hours and locked me in my room because one fucking teacher at a parent teacher thing said i was bad? When my dad, my fucking dad who expected The World, said yeah, that woman had bad shit to say but everyone else, the actual teachers not my tutor, all said i was doing amazingly! 

Would she have threatened to kill my dog so many times in front of me because she shed. Or because I pissed her off. 

Would she have responded bluntly and rudely when i finally told her, at 17, that i had my first boyfriend and how happy I was. 

When I, almost a year later, would tell her we broke up, while fully breaking the fuck down because it hurt so much, have gotten angry at me and said this is why she hated the idea of me dating and then left the room to finish washing dishes. 

Would she have made horrid jokes about my sexuality in front of my 13 year old face. Repeatedly. 

Would she have mocked me for not wanting to drink or smoke or go out with her and sister when all my experience is her being passed out, or getting shouted at by drunk people 

Would I flinch every time her and her fuck head partner got angry, screaming matches turned to broken tvs and bleeding hands and feet 

would being outside of my room make me terrified because it meant she could Find Me. Or he could. And that all it took was a bad step to be found. 

would she have denied me food and access to healthcare

would she have lied to me about my family dying

I don’t fucking know. I don’t know if i should try, if she is a person worth trying with. But I feel like I missed out. On so much. And I still am.