#also if you see my DH bias uhhhh no you do not

[miraiq]

Decisions have consequences on those around you

As stated in a previous headcanon post, the trailblazer has some abandonment issues that they are not even aware of having. After the events during their trip to the Xianzhou Luofu, they slowly start to realize it- and it's because it gets drastically worse, adding on sprinkles of becoming hesitant to trust anyone.

First with Tingyun, they don't fully understand. But they do know they feel betrayed and hurt. They genuinely enjoyed spending time with her during their visit, finding her friendly, helpful, and insightful. She was usually the go-to for information or questions regarding just about anything: culture, clothing, food, music, "sports", games, the relationship between long-life and short-life species that shared the same space, etc. They slowly accept the fact that they never met the real Tingyun, just the one that looked like her in name and body that was just a puppet used to get close to the Nameless and accomplish Phantylia's own goals. At least, that is how they view it, or find it easiest to come to terms with the loss of a supposed friend.

Kafka is then brought to the Matrix of Prescience Ultima to stand on trial and questioned. She doesn't fight it, which seems weird, but also makes a small amount of sense being that she had originally stated she was not a threat to them or the Xianzhou Luofu. But something still felt.. off. Once she is questioned, she makes a hasty exit, taking a man with her that they know only in name- the one she used when originally asking the Astral Express for help to save an imprisoned false-accused partner- Blade. Kafka leaves before they can ask her anything other than what the Divination Commission and General of the Luofu had wanted, or more so needed, to know. To be so close to an answer yet have it taken away in an instant is unpleasant.. but they didn't have high hopes for obtaining answers to start, so it's not the worst thing..

Then Dan Shu. They grew to feel sympathy and respect for her, thinking her extremely caring and knowledgeable in her field, and calm when under pressure. They do not even remotely suspect her of anything until it's too late. Caelus, when presented with the treatment medication Dan Shu provides after "coming up with an antidote" for the "immortality medicine", takes it without a second thought. Stelle is more cautious, primarily not comfortable putting something she doesn't fully understand what it is or what it would do, but is eventually persuaded after talking with Dan Shu some more, and takes it as well. Waking up to feeling like you're body is twice it's weight, world spinning around you, ears ringing, and when you finally can process anything.. you discover that you had temporarily turned Mara-Struck and thrashed a handful of unsuspecting Cloud Knights inside the Seat of Divine Foresight.. it's a rude awakening. The only saving grace being that the Stellaron burned out the "miracle cure" before things escalated into something they would very much regret.

Fool them once, shame on them. Fool them twice? Well.. they won't even give you the chance to have their trust. Not right off the bat, at least.

Later they meet up with Kafka at her request, mostly out of wanting answers about themself, about her, about their relationship-- anything. End up playing a game of Truth and Lie. After finding out that they were quite literally an artificial body solely created to house a Stellaron-- they're not sure how to feel. Empty, lost, more confusion, angry. It's a lot to take in. Then, after the trailblazer protects Kafka while she takes care of one of her Stellaron Hunter companions, Blade, Kafka leaves. They don't really want to see her again.. but something in them also wants to reach out and make sure she doesn't leave again. They still have so many questions unanswered.. but they know she won't provide anything else. Kafka wanted a game, and it had reached it's end.

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Now, depending on a certain decision made by a specific someone cough Dan Heng cough, their trust issues, along with the abandonment issues, will fester and grow only slightly-- or get much, much worse.

If Dan Heng, during the hands-in-circle March 7th initiates, puts his hand in, showing he still cares for his fellow Express companions, and has every interest in returning with them (while also sort of showing he appreciates them but not as important), then the Trailblazer will be fine. Confused, slightly hurt that Dan Heng had not discussed any of.. all of the worry he had over his past life and Dan Heng's concern that someone was out to get him and did not want to put the Express Crew in danger because of it-- but more so, the Trailblazer thinking that they had gotten closer with the Express Crew, including Dan Heng, but was not confided in or trusted to share in each other's worries. They will, rather quickly, come to terms with it, and not press it either, internally forgiving him--not that he needs such from them anyway. Dan Heng had either (depending on your own interpretations / headcanons for DH writers) no recollection of it, or simply wanted to distance himself from it as far as possible, so never brought it to light. They care more about Dan Heng's feelings since this directly affected him having to come the Xianzhou and deal with all the inhabitants who knew him/Dan Feng and everything tied to his previous incarnation. If he wants to discuss it, or not, is up to him. They will be there when, or if, he wants to share.

If Dan Heng, during the hands-in-circle March 7th initiates, does not put his hand in, they will rather quickly break and shut down. Dan Heng, another they thought they could trust, had lied(in their mind) to them, came to the Xianzhou without saying anything, then showed up with a man the Trailblazer knows is associated with Kafka, attacking a child--- it's too much. They stay silent until they make it back to the express, only providing curt responses if absolutely necessary. They'll let Welt and March do all the talking and questioning. During the fight with Phantylia they are wild and reckless, half the time getting in the way of their companions attacks and defenses. They are no longer in synch with the team. A loose canon ready to crack and burst with no warning. They fight with their whole being, terrified that Dan Heng won't return to the express, will be another person that the trailblazer has to say goodbye to. After all, didn't General Jing Yuan say that he was working on getting Dan Feng's name cleared? Or making it so Dan Heng was able to go about the Xianzhou Luofu as he so wished? Would he want to return to his home, now that he would no longer be considered a criminal? He would leave them behind, like the others, if they didn't prove.. somehow.. that they would welcome him back with open arms. Surely then he would come back, right? They won't talk to him or stand close to him- petrified that if they did one single thing wrong to make him upset or mad at them, he would be gone once the mission was over.

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Regardless Dan Heng's decision, once the trailblazer gets back to the express, they cling onto Himeko's presence as often as she will tolerate. If she does end up telling them to leave (obviously not in a rude way, just a 'space please' manner) they will go to a corner, or their own room (assuming they would have one by now like c'mon) and just sit silently by themself. They ask Himeko that whenever she gets the chance that they want to talk with her about some personal matters. During this talk, they crave the physical contact that they need to stay semi-grounded. While seated they get as close to her as possible with their back facing her, resting against her side, while they hesitantly take her hand and move it to come around the front of their torso- effectively keeping them in a cradle. They won't look at her, knowing they wouldn't get the words out, and are too scared to see her reaction to their confession of meeting with the woman who sent them on this disaster of a journey (Kafka) and come clean about their fears of being betrayed by more people, or being left behind by someone else. Himeko does her best to settle their doubts.

Though, Dan Heng's decision does play part in whether Himeko is successful or not. If he did join the hand circle, she is successful. They still feel a tad unsettled, though slightly better than before their discussion. If he had not, then it is a failure and they simply end up feeling numb and full of doubt. Either ending, they thank her for her time and for lending an ear before leaving.