#also idgaf whatd produce the best profits i think itd just be nice for the customer experience to not suck

[pocket-mobster]

Halloween Retales IX: The Backstock Special

-Today was slow. Very slow. It’s usually pretty slow because most people who don’t give that much of a shit about Halloween, don’t have children, and/or have enough brain cells to make a frog’s leg twitch wouldn’t go in the store until maybe early October, but today was especially slow. Not as slow as it’s supposed to be tomorrow based on forecasts, but damn near close.

-I ended up being put on backstock duty since there was hardly anyone around. For the uninitiated or for the initiated who realize I’m throwing around nonsensical terms because I don’t know how most polysyllabic words work, this entailed me going into The Back, grabbing some shit out of boxes, going to the shit’s respective section, and figuring out if I can fit it on without breaking a rack, being redundant or both. From doing this, I learned:

We have way too many blowup dinosaur costumes (about 16)

We have too many costumes from a toddler show called PJ Masks

There’s just a random adult He Man costume in the boys’ section (I ended up putting it in backstock for no reason other than it pissed me off and I couldn’t find a better place for it so I put the closest to Hell I possibly could)

We don’t have a Star Wars Section (I “made” one but it currently consists of one Darth Vader costume, some beanies, Darth Vader socks, some Stormtrooper onesies with a man who’s objectively too menacingly attractive to be wearing them let alone any sleepwear, and a Michelangelo costume (turtle not painter) that couldn’t fit in the adjacent TMNT rack, so I wouldn’t necessarily consider it a formal section. Keep in mind: we have a near-empty wall where the Fortnite stuff should go but we’ve still received next to nothing)

I drank too much coffee to simply exist in the third dimension

-Speaking of dimensions, there was a pickle costume in backstock that claimed to include a “dimensional costume” and I don’t know what that means despite looking right at what must’ve been an example of a dimensional costume. I have never been so scared by a man dressed as a pickle in my life (but obviously there’s room for much worse; sn: the R/ick a/nd M/orty section doesn’t seem as popular as one might think but for all I know the Szechuan sauce shit could’ve happened 5 years ago).

-During my break, I paced around the back, looking into dark rooms and whispering “Something terrible must’ve happened here”. I sat on the toilet, looked at a spot on the floor, and said “Something is very wrong”. Shortly after, I had an epiphany: I should use the breaks I don’t use for eating to try on costumes I normally wouldn’t. I don’t know if I’ll use this information in the future, but I’m glad I was made aware of it. I returned from my break enlightened but afraid. Two hours later, there was a mysterious droning sound that seemed to come from the back but stopped moments later. Staples knows something we don’t, and it can’t be good.

-A miracle occurred today: Million Reasons by The Queen Herself Lady Gaga came on the garbage store radio. I attempted to capture this with my animatronic fiancé via a video funny (the word “meme” is dead to me now so we’re going back to the 50’s, folks (I mean in terms of slang, not social progress)) but I kept being interrupted by customers who decided that the best time to shop for Halloween products is 7:46pm on a Tuesday. Like what the fuck it’s almost like we’re a store or something (corporate would argue that we’re an “experience” but the only time you get that is if you ask (sn: please don’t ask me or any other Halloween store employee, regardless of chain, for the “experience”; AFAIK neither we nor any other chain have one)).

-A young woman ran into the store and asked if we were hiring. I attempted to help before my manager interevened. I was still holding the card they give to potential hires. My manager took down her name and phone number, and she took the card. She was wearing an MCR shirt. We have a handful of emos and goths on our team already, but I hope the entire team turns into Hot Topic rejects by the end of the season. It’s unrealistic, but I’m entitled to my dreams.

-My manager told me that a mother and her daughter not only used the fitting room on their own, but left a mess behind in the process. When they went back again, I tried to stop them but quickly realized I was treading into territory I lacked the skill to be in. What was I supposed to say, “Hey, half-naked girl and clothed woman, I need to hold onto your stuff so you don’t steal it”? I gave up 75% of the way in. Putting the shit back wasn’t terrible, but I’m not getting paid to not complain in the privacy of a closed store.

-I asked my manager when there was about 30 minutes left if I could play music as long as it didn’t have sinful words in it. She said it was okay, but after I got everything situated, she told me:

None of the other managers would let me do this (not necessarily true; only one or two that I know of would or could have a problem with it)

If corporate found out they’d have a fit since they handpick the songs to maximize profits and to “create atmosphere” (personal opinion but I don’t think playing shitty radio pop and obscure (and usually therefore also shitty) Halloween music wouldn’t make me want to buy anything more than otherwise; if anything I just find it annoying).

We’d be fine as long as the district manager didn’t walk in during the last 30 minutes

These were not things I wanted to hear at 8:30pm but I figured it was too late, and if anything bad happened I could just become more successful than the entire company and, Idk, find a convoluted way to get revenge. A car sat facing the store for a full minute without any turn signal on, and then abruptly drove off shortly after both my manager and I noticed it. Thankfully, I’m pretty sure we’re in the clear and no one was traumatized by my selection of fairly unobscure alt rock, but that taste of freedom gave me a newly found distate for the corporate radio. One day, company I won’t name so I don’t get fucked over, one day...