#also idek if this is funny pls laugh at my jokes I beg u

[blushinggray]

Concept: pro hero!bakugou x stand up comedian!reader

Cw // suggestive, attempted humor, possibly annoying

What if you’ve been dating bakugou long enough to get his okay to make fun of him during your stand up sets. Like not make him your whole act but the content is too good to not spend at least a few minutes talking about the hilarity of your relationship/situation

“As some of you may know, i am dating someone rather famous”

*screams in the crowd from dynamight fans*

“Yes, that amount of applause just now clearly reflects how many of you are here to catch a glimpse of him in the back and not bc you actually think I’m funny. It’s cool, it’s all good bc in the end I’m still getting paid for this gig. Whether he comes to see my set or not, you guys will literally pay that entrance fee just for the slight chance my man or his friends will be in the audience and I will be taking full advantage of that. That’s right, i am not above using my bf’s rep as free publicity. He calls me shallow for it sometimes but I just give him the puppy dog eyes like, ‘aw cmon babe we earned this together!’ And then I’ll still get hero dick at the end of the night 😛 ”

“I’ll let you in on a secret. Exclusive. I bet you guys might think that the great explosion murder god dynamight is some big, bad, unapproachable, potty-mouthed, time bomb from what you’ve seen online and on the news and whatnot. Well, you know what? It’s all… absolutely true. Completely and utterly true. Yes, every bit of it. He can be the meanest, rudest, most frustrating motherfucker you have ever tried to hold a conversation with. And you know why our relationship works? No, not bc of communication, not patience, not therapy. All good guesses though. No, the real reason we work out is bc I have the fattest degradation kink ever.”

“You guys know I’m kidding. I love my bf, he has a really cool, admirable job. Just as admirable as any firefighter or doctor out there. It’s just that he gets to look sexier while doing it, yanno? And you’ve seen the charts, he’s good at his job. He’s in the top five of the whole motherfucking country. Can you freaking believe that?”

*cheers from dynamight fans*

“Yeah he’s freaking amazing. And i know what you’re all thinking. You’re all here wondering how the hell did that blonde bombshell end up with an average bitch like me? Well why do you think?! It’s because I’m fucking hilarious! Look, I see you hot girls sitting around in this audience and I respect you. I might stare at your tits more than my bf will but that is my business. And I know that you’re all probably fine, beautiful individuals underneath all your cute dynamight merch.

“But… I will let you in on another secret. Your mothers all lied to you when they said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach or whatever the fuck they told you. The true route to take is through the funny bone. You gotta break that shit and make sure he knows it’s your fault. And you gotta write your name so big on the cast that he will never forget that you made him laugh until he choked. Now, you can fill his stomach and his memories with some heartfelt meal that you slaved over for 3 hours, but he’s just gonna get hungry again eventually. But nothing leaves a deeper impression than that pain you left in his gut from making dick jokes all night. I mean come on, does it mothafucking look like I can cook? No! My only talents are standing up on platforms and putting phallic things close to my mouth.”

“Nah but let’s be serious, have you ever tried dating a pro hero? The amount of patience, flexibility, and self control you have to have is unreal. Yes ofc to hold back from tapping that ass every time you get a closeup of their hero costume, but also you gotta deal with their crazy schedules, unpredictable flakiness, and their unshakable sense of justice. He could be balls deep in me, dangling me upside down with that Herculean strength they’ve been training since they were fucking 15 years old, and he’d still book it the fuck outta there once he gets a text from the commission. Like, I am forever stuck in this side chick role bc he’ll always be holding out for goddamn justice and the fate of the world of whatever, ugh. What’s a bitch gotta do to get his attention for a weekend? I gotta go out and get myself stabbed or kidnapped. That’s a joke, that’s a joke. No one kidnap me, i will annoy you to the point that you’ll rather throw me into a river instead of keeping me for ransom. Bc we all know that if I’m about to die, I will be testing out my most rancid material. Istg I will make my murderers regret kidnapping me…”

-

And somewhere in the back or the side of the venue, bakugou’s friends might be laughing their asses off over drinks while the victim of all your jokes himself shakes his head but still lets out an involuntary snort every so often