#also i'm probably autistic with a special interest in clothing: researching this is so much fun

[mundaneandmagicalcreature]

This morning I found Lestat's nipple polo.

[cosmichorrorsarestillnicerthanme]

Happy New Years!

...I was wondering if you could write some headcanons on a relationship between an autistic master reader and Berserker of El Dorado (Penthesilea). Can be platonic but romantic would also be an interesting challenge heh.

Happy New Years my inconsistently interested friend! and first of all I would like to say this, I love you for requesting one of if not my favorite Berserkers. I've always wanted to write something nice for Penthesilea but I've never had anything good come to mind, at least not until you asked for this! Now then, moving on to what I have to say about what I wrote. Rather than basing it off of Autism in others like some of my friends I based it off how I personally act in day to day life due to the fact that a lot of my friends with Autism have suggested that I have it. In a way you could say I have been "Peer Reviewed" by my autistic friends.

But now, it is time to get back on track with your request.

NOW! YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND!!!

(I'm actually quite fond of this Eyecatch in particular, I was trying to go for a Bronze color but landed on this more golden one instead.)

Penthisilea stood at attention next to you as your hands shot over the keys of your computer and swiftly grabbed papers and books from the pile around you.

You had been at this for hours on end, failing to even eat lunch despite Penthisilea’s numerous reminders and even considerations of picking you up and taking you to the kitchen so she could force you to eat.

She decided against it only because she knew that you may be unable to return to the same amount of productivity you were currently enjoying as you researched your new “Hyperfixation” as you called it.

The hyperfixation in question being the person standing right next to you.

The Queen Of Amazons, Penthisilea.

She had to admit, it was a little bit flattering that you had taken such an interest in her.

Not to mention, you always complimented her but never on her… looks.

Penthisilea nearly gagged on her own words as they entered her mind. 

Still, Penthisilea appreciated that you saw her as more than just someone pretty.

Actually, she more than appreciated that, she loved it.

You treated her like an equal, bouncing off your questions, ideas, and idle thoughts off of her like a “Soundboard”.

You took comfort in her presence, often idly playing with her fingers and loose pieces of clothing when the two of you were just passing time together.

Not to mention, she also took comfort in some of the small ticks you have.

Clicking your tongue, humming a tune, drumming your fingers on your legs, tapping your foot against the ground, Penthisilia was soothed by these sounds.

Another thing she took comfort in was that you always spoke your mind. Especially to her. She liked that. She never had to wonder where the two of you stood.

Penthisilea could go on and on about all the things she liked about you.

How particular you were about things, how curious you were, How much you liked having her around.

Simply put, the both of you took great comfort in being around each other. Probably more than simply being both good friends and master and servant could reasonably explain.

True, neither of you really knew that, but neither of you could really explain your relationship either.

That being said, Penthisilia did ever so often imagine the two of you together whenever her mind would wander a bit too far.

She, of course, ignored musings.

However, one must wonder what her reaction would be if she knew you had similar thoughts every now and then?

After all, Penthisilea did love the comfort she found in your way of doing things.

And you loved how soothing Penthisilea was to you when she was around.

If the both of you were forced to describe what the feeling the two of you shared for one another, the only answer the both of you would be able to come to is love.

A special, and unique type of love, one built on not just trust, not just attraction, not just want, but on the base of understanding, joy, care, and comfort as well.

Needless to say, that is the type of love that will last for lifetimes.

[winter-spark]

I know self-diagnosis is valid and that as you learn more you're okay to be like oh I was wrong it's actually maybe this and whatever but I'm a bit of a coward, or well I still don't want to insert myself in spaces that I don't might not belong in and I've always hated the idea of talking about things without 100% certainty/information but uh my possible {self-}diagnosis is sorta leaking into my writing. Or at least I'm doing things in my writing then later hearing about/being reminded of things and sorta going :o so I'm gonna write about that below. Somewhat a vent post I suppose.

So... Uh I guess, besides explaining my potential diagnosis, there's currently gonna be three parts of this. My personal series Letting Go, my A3! writing, and my Buddyfight writing. And there's gonna be a lot of uncertainty here so I apologize if it at all wastes your time but here I go.

Me:

So... I might be autistic. This is something my sisters and I have been looking into for a minute tbh. Like a couple years at this point. We've taken a few different tests and started somewhat watching informational videos on autism and diagnoses and stuff, and like signs are pointing to yea probably. but like, idk. We were gonna put a pin in it until we could move but we unpinned because it wasn't helping to have it pinned. But yea, I might be autistic. Things I've looked into less that I might also have(?) ADHD, AFRID, mild dyslexia, but I've gotta do more research and it's not really about those but I thought I'd throw them out because idk some times holding things in for too long turns them to rot. But anyway, since I've been doing research on autism I was thinking maybe possibly whether I am or not my main character, Miles, is. He's from my series

Letting Go:

Now, Miles, I projected to some extent on when I wrote him but also he's very different from me but none the less there's few things that I had that could be signs of autism and I was wondering how to add more because I did want to sorta write him as an undiagnosed autistic. So in my writing before the research was my movie for my Screenwriting classes. Things about Miles, from the earlier drafts:

He is kinda sensitive to too many sounds, especially voices, at once (trait from me), (it increases when he's in a nervous/panicked state idk if that has to do with anything but I wanted to clarify that)

His, maybe, special interest is space, namely Pluto (and maybe baking)

(I had to sorta look back at this when editing/setting up for version like 4/5 which became a tv series but) he's not always great with picking up what others are putting down socially (version 1 he did not realize that another character was legitimately romantically into him, he didn't realize that, now one of his best friends, was worried about him,) like you do have to be a bit more direct with him (but not as much as Leilani but that's a different point completely)

So like, I was like maybe I should give him more traits? Like like this isn't in order and I can't remember everything but I was like okay, I, maybe, have a chewing stim, maybe I should give that to him too. (I need to double-check what his mannerisms are omg) And I say maybe have a chewing stim because I don't know if it has another name but I know that sometimes I just need to chew on something, but I've sorta conditioned myself out of it because my mom didn't appreciate me chewing on my pajama clothes and my personal stapler broke(yes I used to chew on staples). So like you know maybe that.

But also maybe I was thinking I would line his sorta panic attack with an autistic meltdown. See a big point in the story is when at a party he ends up sorta panicking and running away then he just sits by himself at like a bus stop which is where his grandma finds him, but like I wasn't sure how to do that because I was doing research and I wasn't sure how to quite make that so and if the things around it were right(I didn't do this research recently I'm sorry I'm super blanking). but I was watching this video earlier by I'm Autistic, Now What? called The 4 Types of Autistic Meltdowns, and one she mentioned was leaving/running away. Which as I mentioned he does. And I think maybe I was worried about build up/triggers but now I'm thinking more about that and maybe there is enough.

Ugh I don't want to "spoil" it but like, he's an introvert, he's a homebody(sorta), he's never had that many friends, so this was his first time going to a party with a group of friends, a group of friends that almost immediately split up, and he ends up stumbling back into one of them, but he's a little conscious about his crush flirting with someone else at the party, then his old bully is there and is harassing him and keeps mentioning Miles being a momma's boy and this is sorta more sensitive because his mom is in the hospital at the time(not a spoiler that's the (omg I'm a terrible film student what do you call the event that triggers the rest of the story, sets it in motion that's what that is)). He steps away for like to seconds to talk a breath but when he returns it is being revealed that his mom is in the hospital and [redacted because it was originally a surprise bit of info but now I just don't want to reveal this because it is still sorta a spoiler] which sends him over the edge where he borderline starts shouting and then just darts out.

And like maybe that works? I don't know. What I also don't know is if I should've even included my

A3! writing:

See, after one of the high points of my research on autism I was looking at a lot of Itaru content stuff and sorta was like is... is Itaru Autistic? Now I don't make it a point to write him as such but Itaru has become one of the characters I for some reason feel need to project onto. So when I write him I do give him me-adjacent traits and looking at some things I'm a bit like hmmm, am I maybe writing him autistic?

See-- oh shoot I should have mentioned this in the me category, okay so I might be demi-romantic, demisexual. I'm not 100% sure but with the research I've done I figure that's possibly why of the very few crushes I had it took a while for me to be like "oh! I have a crush on this person!" like literally one of them I didn't come to the conclusion until I was trying that wellness with Steven Universe/Rebecca Sugar thing and one of the days was just write what comes to your mind and as I was doing my best to do that(my mind goes very fast but I had to have complete thoughts) I got to a point where I was talking about one of my best friends and I was like "yea it'd be cool if we were still close in the future and maybe lived together and then we could go on runs together and cook together and cuddle on the couch watching movies together" literally visualizing this future together and then and I don't even remember if I considered a peck or not but I was like "oh shoot Do I have a crush on him?"

Now you're probably like, what's this gotta do with Itaru and autism? Well see in one of my CitoIta fics I gave him that trait of not quite catching on until he gets to a certain point "oh shoot, do I like him romantically, what?" so I figured I was just making him demi-romantic. (Which he still could be idk) but anyway. I saw this post a couple months back that said that not being able to quite tell if it's platonic or romantic can be a neurodivergent trait. So what if I gave it to him as like a subconscious neurodivergent, mayhaps autism, thing, idk if he's written as autistic in this story tho. I was actually initially thinking about in my Apartments au, where he basically starts scripting his interactions with his friendly neighbor (a sorta of "Okay, if we run into each other again I we have a conversation, I can ask this, and if he mentions this I can mention this" type thing. Oh tho he slightly does that in the first one I mentioned not to the same extent but he does prep how to say a line(wording and delivery) if asked what he's doing.

And speaking of characters I project onto let's hop over to

Future Card Buddyfight Fics:

So the closest I personally have ever been to "kin"-ing a character was Kiri Hyoryu, and I simply mean this in a "I related to him so hard" way like he was me foreal, okay, obviously lots of differences but point is I was able to see myself in him. Before they completely ruined him for me, that's an essay I've already written and will write again. but not this essay. So of course I wrote Buddyfight but mainly Team Disaster fanfiction(they aged with me in my writing lol). Some are actually posted too. but like in my most recent unfinished work, I was really feeling that need to project onto him. So I gave him a... something. It was similar to what I experienced but somewhat different. And as I continued writing, a character who happened to be there was like "I want to be able to help if it happens again, what sorta thing helps, can I ask if that a panic attack or an anxiety attack."(he was planning on doing additionally research on them as a whole) & I went ":0". And tried to research them and figure it out but like I couldn't. And going back to the video I was watching on the types of Autistic Meltdowns, I don't know but I kinda think that maybe he had an autistic meltdown?

But like here's the thing, how am I doing that? I not once considered Kiri as autistic. Just like a character that was as me as I was gonna get. He had a hard time making lasting friendships partly because he moved a lot, and latched onto his person(s) and just wanted to know he'd be remembered by those he cared about. Sure he was a bit whiny, I got why people thought he was annoying but it made him more like me, because I got why. I felt his pain. Even if none of it was real.

And I never really thought me and Itaru were all that alike but I feel the need to project onto him at times, and just like adjacently, like that long post about CitoIta playing Kingdom Hearts, I promise you a lot of Itaru's faves are different from my but also close enough, like Itaru being a Kingdom Hearts fan is because I'm a Kingdom Hearts fan, and he's a twewy fan too because I'm a twewy fan, like he's a gamer how can I not? But also he's nothing like me even in those regards. Like I know he's a freaking Shoka fan in terms of Neo and that he played the og twewy back when it first came out. And he's legit a gamer, I'm hardly one.

And of course my own oc, who doesn't project at least a little on their ocs. I don't have a point here on him tho. All in all I'm just like yeesh. What am I supposed to do with this?

I was gonna say I might have to accept that I really am probably autistic but I'm still nervous about trampling on other's space, interjecting myself where I don't be long that I realized something. Accidents do happen, yada yada if it's three times it's a pattern I've written lots of characters and stories so it'd have to be more than three four times... Five, more than five times, shoot I forgot Retsu's also a scripter(still Bfight character). But like yea, I'll probably start rereading my works to see if there's anything more in there that suggests that I maybe give autistic traits to characters I write and I know the less I project onto a character the less I can count it maybe? Idk, but like I just think that maybe I've over reacting idk. Time will tell I guess. I just don't want to be wrong you know?

This I know is nothing solid, I've been writing this for nearly three hours(I'm at work but it is a slow-ish day) without looking at any really research and just vaguely using my memory to make points so I might even more so be wrong idk, idk, idk.

[feif-incorrect-quotes]

1, 12, 28 and 38 for the ask game

Fun fun fun!! Thank you!!! I love getting to talk about the best game.

1: What's your favorite route?

This is such a hard question oml. In terms of story, Birthright. It has the most cohesive and reasonable story, as opposed to Conquest where you're trying to bring down an evil king by... following the orders of an evil king until the last chapter lol. And then in Revelation there are plot holes a plenty. In terms of how the Royals and Kamui talk and bond, it's Conquest. I just feel like they seem more natural together, which is to be expected given Kamui doesn't know the Hoshidans and she is very close already wth the Nohrians so... However, I keep trying to go back and play Birthright and Conquest and I almost always end up giving up and replaying Revelation instead because the other routes make me cry every single time. So you could say that's my favorite.

12: What stuck with you after finishing Fates?

Leon who my autistic brain is some how still hyperfixated on even though those usually only last a few months at most... and Camilla's boobies. Honestly, this game started my love for Fire Emblem. I like Fire Emblem fairly well, Sacred Stones was fun, but it never was something I was that invested in and I would only really choose it if I had nothing else available. But something about Fates just really made me love the series as a whole.

28: Who did you marry the first time?

First I played Birthright, and I was torn between marrying Takumi, Cyrus, and Joker (Jakob). I decided I didn't want to marry Joker because of he's kinda obsessed with Kamui, and I'm glad I didn't because the way he treats Deere (Dwyer) upsets me greatly and I am not a violent person, I've never been in a fight before, but if I have kids and my spouse treats them like that I will go fisticuffs with that mf. Then It was really hard choosing between Cyrus and Takumi (It had already been spoiled for me that they weren't related please understand. And also Kamui isn't really that much of a character, they're supposed to be a self-insert. If they weren't I probably wouldn't ship them with any of the royals tbh.) but I felt like the dynamic with Takumi growing to like and then even love Kamui after he hated them at first was too good. What can I say? I love enemies to lovers more than childhood friends to lovers.

For Conquest there shouldn't be a surprise here... I love Leon so much he is shown to be perfect but then he has so many little flaws like canonically wearing his clothes inside out a lot (it was not a one off, it's confirmed in the manga that it's a thing he does) and that he snores. I love being able to see behind people's mask and not a lot of characters in this game have that dimension to them. Even Takumi who also has an inferiority complex is much more overt in it and it just doesn't seem as special seeing his insecurities/flaws like it does with Leon's. And then!! How he's sweet like how in the manga he spends days researching flowers (which he said he knows absolutely nothing about flowers and their meanings and that's weird because he is tree boi you would think he cares about other plants too the freak) just trying to find the one that fits Kamui the most and then he gives it to her and is like "psh no big deal. I just bought them for you, it's nothing special". He's kind, and even though he strives to appear amazing and perfect, he doesn't get cocky about helping others and I just aldkhasdklas I love him. I can talk about this man for days on end.

And then in Revelation it was him again. I really want to marry new characters because they're interesting and I went into Revelation intending to marry Cyrus and I could not help myself. Every single time, I have to marry Leon.

Sorry for that rant... anyways....

38: A big change you would make to Fates.

Honestly, I want it to be more like the original script. There were some major changes, like the addition of Hinoka who wasn't originally there, and I want to see what Kibayashi intended when he wrote it. Even if that means cutting things that I love like Hinoka.

I also would have the writers who took the original plot and turned it into the game + the character writers be more like Dragon Age Inquisition writers. In reality, there were character writers and plot writers and they did not coordinate at all to make sure everyone acted like they should. If the game writers weren't the ones writing the characters reactions in the plot it would've been better. In my head, they did it like DAI, where each companion character (or in this case groups of characters because that's way too many for one on one) had their own writer who really knew them. They would write the supports and the my room things, and obviously they would be coordinating on the supports with the other writers. And then they would coordinate with the game writers. They would work together to make them stay in character. But they didn't. They were separated. I feel like that disconnect affected the main characters in pretty negative ways. Also I think the paralogue writers were different than the support writers, but don't quote me on that. Just things like Leon's supports with the other Nohrian Royals vs Foleo's paralogue is just so jarring. Leon is shown to be incredibly caring and he values his family so much, just look at his and Elise's supports. And he knows what it's like to have a horrible mother and pretty early on in life his father became horrible (which must've been so upsetting like, "he wasn't horrible and then he is what did we do to deserve this") so he definitely would not treat Foleo like he does to begin with. I understand that they have hobbies like his mother, and that he was brought up to look perfect. I fully believe he would try to steer Foleo away from dresses and women's clothes at first, but to call them a disgrace? And treat them as horribly as he did? He didn't even want to see Foleo because he was embarrassed of them. That's such a horrible thing to do and I do not think Leon would do that.

Also a small change of Leon's name remaining the same. I can understand the thought process of some names like Kazahana and Suzukaze being changed, but Leon sounds so much better and more princely than Leo. I get that an FE character named Leon already exists, but so what? Multiple people can have the same name.

[autisticawesomeness-archive-blog]

I'm an autistic guy that lives with his parents and has trouble with driving and therefore no drivers license and no car. I have a couple of part time jobs. I'm still interested in moving out and learning to drive but it's difficult and I feel stressed and I feel lonely because some in 26 there has been many women interested in dating me. Do you have any advice that can help? I would love to date autistic women but sadly I just haven't met much. Am I a failure?

You’re not a failure. You’d honestly be surprised by the amount of people living exactly like you do, and even if all of you were failures to society, so what? Fuck society. You don’t owe it shit. Not being a failure to society shouldn’t be your goal in life; being happy is. Make your own life happy and live it how you want to, not because society says you should live it like that.

If you really want to move out, I’d suggest sitting down and making a long-term plan. How much do you make with our part-time jobs? It’s probably not enough to live on if you’re still living with your parents, but it’s a start. Search for another higher paying job, and save up the money you have now while you do that. Do you have anyone that would be able to help you for a short while financially? Or are you able to turn to an organization that can help you? It might be worth it to do research into what programs there are for (autistic) people to help them live on their own.

If the problem isn’t the money, but the fact that you can’t run a household (cleaning doesn’t get done, can’t cook, etc), than try and learn the necessary skills do run a household. If you find that you simply aren’t capable of that, try seeing of your friends or your parents would be willing to help you out a couple of times a week with basic things like cleaning and cooking. And, once again, it might be worth it to search if there are any organizations that could help you with these tasks.

(PS if it helps I’m fucking awful at running a household and am still living on my own, so as long as you keep your living room relatively clean, have relatively clean clothes, and buy enough instant meals to stay fed, you can totally fool everyone into thinking you have your shit together.)

If you, for whatever reason, really can’t move out, not even in the far future, then make the best of it. Stay as independent from your parents as possible: if you haven’t already, start helping to pay the rent, or pay some to your parents yourself. Try helping out with cooking, and share the household chores, see if you can find out-house activities to keep you busy, etc. Try to make it feel like you’re living with two roommates instead of your parents. 

Depending on where you live, a driver’s license may not even be necessary. If possible, I’d suggest taking your lessons while you have a stable financial situation. If you think that you can wait to take lessons until you’ve moved out and stabelized your own finances, then do so. Otherwise, just take lessons while living with your parents. Save up the money and do it. If you find that you, for whatever reason, can’t drive, than you have public transport and bikes to help you get around. Find alternative ways of moving without a car, if you can’t get one.

I would also suggest trying to find something that makes you happy and for the love of God, stick to it. Find a hobby, a special interest, something. You seem at risk of sliding into a depression if you haven’t already, so try to prevent that by taking good care of yourself and finding something you legitimately enjoy doing. Have no goal in mind when you start, other than having fun.

I can’t help you with dating advice, though. I’ve never dated before in my life and romance just isn’t something that I care for. Sorry.

I’m also going to give a piece of advice that’s going to come across as harsh, so sorry in advance, but I feel like it’s important to say: do NOT allow yourself to wallow in self-pity. Yes, sometimes your life sucks, and it’s okay to be sad about it and acknowledge it, but move on. If you really feel like you can’t live like this, try to change your situation in whatever way possible. If you just sit down and go ‘welp, that was my life, it sucks, I’m a failure’, you will end up in a negative spiral of self-pity and depression that’s almost impossible to break free from. Trust me. My father’s been in one for 20-some years and it doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. Do not allow yourself to fall into that spiral. No matter how late you think it is to make your life happy for yourself, it isn’t.

Whatever progess you try to make, it’s probably going to take at the very least a few months, but most likely you’ll be looking at a years-long plan. Don’t be discouraged. You can do it, even if it takes a while. And if you find out you can’t, that’s also fine. Then just change your plan to make it so that you can do it.

Remember: you are the one you are living your life for. Make it good for yourself. And you are the only one with the power to change your life, so if you feel unhappy right now: change it.