#also i'll fix this placeholder pic skdjfh jsk

[rkmason]

▰▰▰▰▰▰ MNET GLOBAL AUDITIONS, SEASON 5 ˟  EP. 6 PERFORMANCE ▰▰▰▰▰▰

over a month in and they’re here: semi-finals. it’s a joke, right? this could all be a pipe dream. okay, two more seconds and he’s gonna wake up from a deep sleep with dabin sitting on his chest and slapping his face because according to one of the youngest of kill.u.strate, that’s the only way to wake someone up. he can’t wait for the day dabin gets a serious girlfriend and minho’s gonna rub that sentence in his face. dabin’s too similar to him— he just hasn’t heard the siren call yet.

he still can’t believe it, a month has come and gone, and he thought he wasn’t gonna make it past day 0. because the comments are right. sure, the rumor isn’t confirmed but it’s true— he left convex because he chose his girlfriend. he chose her over them and that won’t go away. no matter who he receives support from, even if they’re members of convex, he knows it’s too late. the ink has stained his ledger. coming onto the show, he pretended it would be a blank slate but he knows it’s far from it. his decision put him right back in the public eye and he’d be a liar to say he doesn’t enjoy being on stage again. he’d be a liar to say he’d be fine in the end. mijoo, his father, seik, everyone dear to him told him not to act like it was nothing, like he was okay, and the more honest he is about his own feelings the more scared he is.

being put on the trc team reminds him of his triple threat audition, how he said let it go but he’s the one still holding on. he’s the one thinking about that phone call with his sister, how she called again this week and the one thing he couldn’t hold onto in that moment was himself.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀  PAUSE, REWIND ⭯ ››  7월 29일 , I KNOW WHEN THAT HOTLINE BLING 📱

[ TW: MENTION OF INJURY, IMPLIED PANIC ATTACK, *CAPTAIN AMERICA V/O* LANGUAGE ]

“i think you should quit.”

it’s not the first time he’s heard those words coming from his sister’s lips, not the first time she’s said it since he signed up for the mgas again, not the first time he’s sat with his back to the wall in his apartment, the waning moonlight the only source of light in the room as he sighs, head thunking against drywall as he leaves her unanswered. he wishes the time difference was greater, that his sister didn’t work in an industry where she’s awake at the same hours of him, ironically working as late as early morning. usually, it ends the same way. usually, it’s him once again telling her “i don’t know what you want me to say, han.”

an echo because of how empty the room is, because he’s isolated himself for the nth time. because he used to think he was lonely in nova because of the competitiveness but it was also him. a large part of it falls on him, on how he let everything get into his head while giving off the impression there is nothing in his head, no substance to his mind and soul when really he carries it all on his shoulders.

maybe that’s what happened to his shoulder in the past. it wasn’t just because he wasn’t letting himself properly heal for the sake of being signed, for continuing to dance, to live the lifestyle he kept up with. it was because he kept all that tension up there too, gloom in his headspace until it clouded his judgment. that was what turned his vision to black and white.

“are you listening to me?”

a deep sigh. in, out. “yeah.”

“are you sighing at me? you’re lucky i—”

he tunes her out and it’s unlike him. choi minho, who grew up being told that he should listen to every word a woman has to say, every word any person has to say because their opinion is important. it’s theirs, it has merit, it ought’a be heard but this? this? he doesn’t want to hear it again. over and over again, his sister is always right. she can do no wrong.

it’s out of love. he knows that, he knows this, so why is it so hard? his sister who he’s admired for so long even if she thinks that he prefers jake. his sister, who was the first one to show up to one of his dance competitions and scream til she lost her voice so he wouldn’t be sad that his parents couldn’t come, that their father refused to come even though he could, even though he was the only parent in the country at the time. his sister came, holding chris’ hand and insisting he couldn’t let go no matter how embarrassing it is. that’s how she is. headstrong, protective, because he’s not the only one who had to grow up at a young age.

if anyone knows about carrying weight on their shoulders, it’s her.

he realizes, that’s why it’s difficult. he doesn’t know how to tell her that she doesn’t understand when she’s tried the hardest in their whole family to understand him as far back as he could remember.

“—members are coaches and olivia. are you fucking kidding me, mason? you can’t tell me you’re not making goo-goo ga-ga eyes at her like the lovesick fool that you are. i’veseen you.”

hands rubbing over his face, he feels the pressure in his chest, how it rises up his throat and lodges itself right there until he can’t breathe. again, inhale, exhale.

come on, one more time. inhale, exhale.

you can do it, he tells himself, in and out—

shit, fuck.

no, he can’t and the way he struggles sounds like forced chuckling. it feels like it could be if he pulled it off, if he pulled off making it sound like he was just laughing, because it must be a joke. he is the joke and, who knows, maybe that clown wig really foreshadowed the rest of his future on the show.

everything his sister says, he already knows. he thought it, felt it, wanted to run from it for a moment because it was overwhelming.

but why, why, just why does he have to hear this from his sister? his brother’s flight is due in a few hours and he’s going with the guys to pick him up. as soon as chris got the confirmation that he could see the show live, he booked the flight. chris is happy for him, for moving onto the next round, regardless of who showed up on that stage as coaches. actually, part of him thinks chris didn’t realize at first, that he doesn’t care because mason says it’s alright.

it comes with being the youngest, he knows that’s why chris wouldn’t do it but it’s right up hannah’s alley but he just— if he could just breathe.

“stop.” his voice is soft, raw, doesn’t sound like him at all. she asks what and all he hears is her saying “i think you should quit” and the reasons she listed on replay. worse than the it’s a small world song and he thinks he’s seconds away from pulling his hair out.

he couldn’t do it. couldn’t listen to her telling him that he’s being stupid again, that he’s setting himself up to fail, that he’s walking right into their trap, that they keep bringing up convex for this moment, for the moment two convex members come out as coaches and he goes from being in the sphere practice rooms to the trc team.

arguments form in his mind but he can’t get them out, like if they really wanted to fuck with him, he’d be on the nova team with sunmi and wendy, who he trained with before debuting in convex. if they really wanted to fuck with him, if they really knew, if sphere did know who he’s dating, he could find out this way, right? what crueler move than to put him in his girlfriend’s team. but he’s not. he’s not so it can’t be, right? having to ask these questions upset him and he could ignore them, keep them buried or toss them out of his mind because he knows better but hannah makes them stick.

her reasons, his rebuttals, they’re stuck, trapped in his mouth as he tries swallowing his pride to just make it through this call so hannah can say her piece and he can be content with the fact that he tried, that he does what he’s been taught to do, that he listened instead of dismissing her thoughts.

but this doesn’t feel right.

it doesn’t feel right, to feel like this because of a loved one. his sister tells him this because she’s concerned, because she loves him, but fuck he forgot how much love can hurt when he’s been sheltered since the moment mijoo first said she likes him and then when she said she loves him. sheltered until the moment he was asked to give her name and he hurt everyone around him. sheltered because he thought he was safe and he spends every week thinking he’s not despite what others say. other contestants, netizens, his friends. being labeled as a supposed golden boy, as a favorite when he knows a lot of it is probably because his participation alone causes drama and invites competitiveness.

another case of damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t.

every week opens him up to comparison, to judgment, to the possibility of elimination, to the reminder that he’s much older now, that he’s older than… all of the contestants left? probably— it opens him up to someone saying if they can keep up with him, if they can beat him, what kind of idol was he? what was the real reason he’s no longer in convex? it’s an exaggeration, more likely, but he knows it’s there, that some contestants see him as the one to beat and then what? what’s next for both of them? for all of them?

what’s next— that’s what his sister doesn’t touch on and she should. that’s an answer he definitely doesn’t have right now. he just wants to know right now, he wants to know that stage, standing in front of all five ceos again, hearing the audience, knowing he hasmore to him, that he can change, that he can grow again and it could work this time. he might make less mistakes along the way this time.

he hears it again, you should quit, and he has the answer. he’s held onto it for years, kept it to himself like some sacred treasure. it’s validation. when he came to seoul, when he moved his whole life for the chance to be on stage, the mgas gave him validation and he could be too desperate for it after having to leave convex but so what?

she’s seen his performance for the skill battle— the one time he could say it without feeling choked up like he is now.

don’t know why i’m pathetic and don’t have nerve.

he doesn’t want to be like that anymore. he doesn’t care in the end if they’re going to make a fool of him. this is for him. this is for mijoo. this is for everyone who believes in him. everything else is just noise. he wants to keep showing that he’s more than what he’s being called, he want his sister to believe he’s still on the show because ofhis performance.

“please, hannah… i need you to trust that i know what i’m doing.”

he has to grow up sometime, handle his own battles, and she needs to let him.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ PRESS PLAY, BACK TO THE SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

  ●●●●●●      LAST WEEK, ON THE FOURTH EPISODE OF MGA S5 — 7월 25일      ●●●●●●

those words are weaved with his name again, along with kyul’s and heejin’s, but he doesn’t feel as happy as he wants to be. because top three isn’t the same as number one and he feels guilt settling on his skin the more his feelings unfurl— truthfully, he is happy but he’s happy for nakyung because she won without him, because she proved she is more than her partner, and he feels so fucking relieved when it’s not his burden to bear or he shouldn’t take it on. it is his burden, he thinks, but he shouldn’t let it affect him now, he shouldn’t let it affect his current teammates. because he’s sorry to them, he’s sorry that maybe they thought they’ll get the win because he’s there but they didn’t.

still, he hugs them when they’re told they’re top three, smiles fondly at how kyul and heejin hold hands, and he wants to protect him the same way he wanted to protect nakyung but he can’t. he can’t worry for them at the same time while they’re also each other’s competition and then there’s seunghun. he wants to see seunghun reach the finals too. he wants themall to reach the finals but, even then, there’s a chance none of them could win and he comes to another realization: is he really sorry to them or is he sorry to himself too? is he covering for the fact that he wants to win, wants to stay at number one, but feels ashamed that people think he shouldn’t even be here? he can’t continue to hide his shame or his greed in his fondness for them and so when he talks to both of them after the filming, he apologizes but there’s no welling of his eyes like he’d done when facing seunghun next week.

no, he needs to stay strong, especially after seeing the coaches.

he can’t think about it, he shouldn’t. instead, he places more rules on himself like no looking at his girlfriend even if it’s been months now since he held her, since he got to be with her, since she was this close. she stands closer to jinki and jinwook than to him and he closes his eyes for a second, hears the siren call competing with the background music of convex’s debut song.

he can’t be like this. he can’t. not when he chose this again, to put her through this, to put them through this, he can’t waver when he’s so close. he swears he’ll make it back to standing on the same stage as them again.

standing outside the trc building, he’s unable to take the first few steps closer just like the week before when he was outside sphere. this time, it’s for different reasons. this time, it’s a team he’s working with. this time, they all know at least one person will be eliminated no matter what and he worries he’ll step in there and it’ll be peak competitive hours. what if he walks in and they look at him like he’s poison? he’s choi minho, must be moving onto the finals right? wrong, he wants to tell them all they’re wrong, that he feels the need to fight for his right to be there as much as they do, but that’s not for his team. that’s something he should tell the camera, the audience, something he ought to say to everyone and not just his team who haven’t done anything wrong to him yet.

dinner the night before seemed good. some were shy and some were more outgoing. he’s used to that, feels like he does well in those situations, especially when they’re at the restaurant he used to work at, with his old boss proudly serving them himself and telling stories about how minho was a mess when he started there. he thinks he did a helluva better than his old boss says but he wouldn’t fight with him either, minho adores the old man too much, is fond of him like a genuine uncle, and it makes him more comfortable to be there, to be with his new team for the week. they’re all dancers from what he remembers and while that should be his first hint they’ll be amazing, he knows there’s a chance they could clash over it too.

he’s wrapped up in his thoughts again, standing there at an ungodly hour because he couldn’t sleep and the last thing he expects is for seik and dabin to show up again.

“you guys are like ticks.”

“shit, who peed into your cheerios this morning?”

“it’s barely morning,” seik grimaces, stifling a yawn with his arm before stretching his arms above his head. “when do you sleep?”

“he doesn’t,” dabin says, less jokingly than both minho and seik expect, both looking at him. the youngest shrugs and kicks a stone on the sidewalk. “he did this last week too. it’s like we gotta hold his hand so he goes inside. what would you do without us?” his cheekiness comes back as swiftly as it disappeared for a moment and minho rolls his eyes, reaching out to push dabin away from him.

“i know what i said before,” seik starts off. “but i don’t wanna see you shaking in your boots all the time. you’re making us look bad.”

“yeah, as the official rep of kill.u.strate—”

“woah, woah, woah, who said i’m the official rep?”

“we voted.”

“without me there.”

“same difference.”

he’s laughing and looking up at the sky. the sun’ll rise within the hour, he’s guessing. sunrises and sunsets hit differently now.

“can you go in now since you laughed?”

“we didn’t bring jae so there’s no clown wig in your bag this time.”

“i know it’s there.” there’s a hushed damn from dabin’s direction and minho rolls his eyes once more. “you guys didn’t have to come.”

“you’d do the same.”

“you did the same.”

minho doesn’t look at either of them, knows what they’re referring to and he thinks it’s pointless to bring up now. he made his choice, didn’t go to that starbright audition. yeah, he could’ve maybe signed with nova earlier than he did the first time but who knows if he would’ve made it in anyway? what if it wouldn’t change the outcome and where he is now? who he is now?

all he knows is that he has family and friends who love him and he’d be damned if he doesn’t go in there trying to make more friends despite the competition because he thinks they do or will resent him. it’s not like him. he tells himself this again and decides to go, clapping a hand on both their shoulders before he walks off.

“hyung!” dabin calls out to him and minho knows it like clockwork, turning with a smile and pounding a closed fist against his chest before pointing back. isn’t he letting mnet back into his head every day at this point?

he’d been right about some parts, that there would be a disagreement but it comes down more to their song choice than the choreography or anything else, which is surprising to him. surprising but it feels great too. at least he knows they’re all passionate about it, all have their own opinion, and all want this to work, to work together.

the song is one he thinks of as fun and he enjoys those kind of performances the most. it’s fun but the choreography from the peeks he takes at yeji and hyunggu when they’re working on it while he, ryujin, and chaeryeong work on their raps, reworking and rewriting it to be their own, to be personal, makes him grin because he thinks they might not all have the same styles but they see eye to eye on what the choreography should be for a song like this. that’s all he can ask for, all he wants, and it’s more fun when they work on everything together, the pieces falling in place in a way dancers and choreographers can best communicate: throughmovement.

from icebreakers to shared food to drinks, he thinks little by little they’re becoming more of a team, more of a maybe somewhat dysfunctional family because they’re not all particularly close but he could see it getting there. maybe if they could have more time, maybe if they didn’t have to deal with that looming elimination over their heads despite how well they do.

working with the coaches is different for him and he senses a kind of hesitation or pause when it comes to him. he understands. he’d be the same way at first but he’s also the type to let something go in a second, to brush things off like that, especially the past. minho’s been doing that for so long that he doesn’t think of how it doesn’t necessarily work the same for others so he’s patient, happy when they talk to him without honorifics, without hesitation, and he expresses his appreciation of all of them, as coaches and on the mgas before. age, status, whatever, he thinks he has a chance to learn from anyone at least once in his life.

        ●●●●●●      NEXT ON STAGE, WE ARE YOUR ANTIDOTE,  EP. 5 — 8월 1일      ●●●●●●

their introduction is one he thinks of as cheeky as their performance will be. it’s another dance battle, he realizes, but he hopes the other aspects will make up for it the way they used those differences to help chaeryeong feel comfortable about doing a song by the same artist as her performance the week before.

the set-up is different this week and he has a sense of nostalgia for being able to see everyone in the same room at once, to watch the stage live and mere feet away, when it’s only been a week. it’s like post-concert depression, he’ll call it post-stage depression and chuckle at how he’ll miss filming for the show and it’s not even the last episode yet.

outfits coordinated, choreography perfected, and lyrics memorized, he tries to walk onto the stage last so he can see them all just before they get up there, so he can smile wistfully at how he wishes they had more time: to get to know each other, to work on more songs, to explore all the styles each of them have and learn from each other all over again. he wishes they’ll have another chance to do this again.

nostalgia doesn’t suit the song and after their intros, he changes, he becomes the dancer he was born to be. the performer he’s hoping to continue to be from here on out.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ WHIPLASH ♫ CHOREOGRAPHY IS SELF-CREATED BY HYUNGGU AND YEJI W/ GROUP CONTRIBUTIONS //  ALL RAPS ARE SELF-WRITTEN BY EACH RAPPER // * DENOTES CHANGED LYRICS NOTE: THE GESTURES & EXPRESSIONS IN VIDEO ARE SIMILAR IF NOT WRITTEN !

he takes the first rap verse, the theme of male vs female dance battle hinted at in their formation, in the color of their clothes, in the choreography, and he wouldn’t tell anyone but he thinks the girls’ choreography has the most impact. he’s the more impressed by it, not because the first part isn’t as great, but because of their formation changes and how theylook performing it. he could imagine them promoting as a group and that alone makes him feel like they’re all getting there, like one of them doesn’t have to go home and they can all move on together. it’d be ideal but it’s also more naive than he wants.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ EVERY WEEK, EVERY THURSDAY*

복잡해진 마음, 숨을 내쉰다* I GET MIXED FEELINGS AS I BREATHE OUT

오늘 뭐 실수는 없었었나* DID I MAKE ANY MISTAKES TODAY?

관객들의 표정은 어땠던가* HOW DID THE AUDIENCE SEEM?

그래도 행복해 난 이런 내가 ��서* I’M HAPPY WITH WHO I’VE BECOME

그 때 만약 오지 않았다면 PHONE CALL 형 부모 세게 품에 안고나서 떴지 “아르바*” IT WOULD’VE BEEN DANGEROUS IF NOT FOR THAT PHONE CALL I LEFT MY PART-TIME JOB

어느새 나는 너의 옆 여긴 더 위에서 움직일 공간이 많으니깐 SAID GOODBYE TO MY PARENTS AND MY BROTHER SUDDENLY, I’M NEXT TO YOU

어서 올라와 GIRL SO COME ON GIRL ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀

his lyrics cater to the story of his journey on the mgas, for all the contestants who have everything riding on this too. as ryujin joins in with him on certain lines, he feels more adrenaline coursing through his veins.

dancing like this, rapping like this again, it’s different than his previous performances. he’s part of a team again.

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ 전진 끝없이 달리네 꿈을 향해* I KEEP RUNNING TOWARDS MY DREAMS

점점 날 비워가네 언제까지 내 것일* I START TO LET MYSELF GO 

순 없어 큰 박수갈채가* THE THUNDERING APPLAUSE, I CAN’T OWN IT FOREVER

이런 내게 말을 해, 뻔뻔히* I TELL MYSELF SHAMELESSLY

니 목소릴 높여 더 멀리* RAISE YOUR VOICE HIGHER

영원한 관객은 없대도* EVEN IF THE ATTENTION ISN’T FOREVER

난 계속 갈거야, 계속 랩 할거야* I’LL KEEP GOING, I’LL KEEP RAPPING

오늘의 나로 영원하고파* I WANT TO STAY THIS WAY FOR LIFE

영원히 예능인이고 싶어 난 AH* I WANT TO BE AN ENTERTAINER FOR LIFE ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀

the girls take over and he can feel the surge of energy on the stage. even as they move into the dance battle, there’s electricity between them. currents running from one person to the next, almost too chaotic until chaeryeong brings them back together, as she did in practice. it’s poetic how they managed to work it in.

SHORTY GIVE ME WHIP-WHIPLASH

this is it. it’s becoming a pattern, how he says this every week. it’s right. this feels right, and he can take that back to his sister the next time she calls.

no, the next time she calls, he’ll make sure there’s no way she could tell him to quit now. this is his journey.  

I WANT TO BE AN ENTERTAINER FOREVER

PROFILE / SKILLS / AUDITION / EPISODE 3 / EPISODE 4 / EPISODE 5 ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ EP. 6: PERFORMANCE / INTERVIEW