#also i’ve had joint pain in my one pinkie for like three days straight and it’s starting to get on my fucking nerves

[bright-and-burning]

fan on high. duvet + soft blanket tucked around tight. balcony door cracked open four inches to let in the 20F night air. flannel pants on. top off. i know it’s hard to believe but this is peak temperature regulation

[lavenderek]

this post will discuss a cyst. if that skeeves you out, keep scrolling.

a few months ago on my left hand i started getting wrist and hand pain, along with carpal tunnel symptoms

you know, tips of pinky and ring finger tingling. also aching and stiffness

my job involves typing and clicking all day so this wasn't shocking to me. i did my wrist stretches that have always worked before

pain continued but i didn't really notice it as much as i noticed the global pandemic and self quarantine

i bought fingerless compression gloves designed to help with carpal tunnel and arthritis. my right hand felt great

range of motion started to decrease in my left wrist. finally i noticed what felt like an extra wrist bone in my left wrist. like that's about the size and hardness it had. nestled right in the joint.

quick google search, ganglion cyst. did some minor research on causes (unknown), treatments (eh. y'know, eh), history (do not smash with bible).

next consulted my work friend who once had surgery to remove ganglion cysts. he now has a gnarly scar from it. consulted julie, who has a small one inside of her hand. was basically just like, "sympathize with me about my wrist cyst. i know you can't assist."

it hurt. my right hand can bend back 90 degrees. my left hand could bend back like 60. sometimes i would wake up in the night and the whole left half of my left hand would be up in tingles like tv static.

bought a wrist brace hoping this would hold it straight while i slept. unsuccessful for multiple reasons.

had it for two or three months before i finally caved and made a doctor appointment. she prodded at it and asked a couple questions and wrote a referral to a hand surgeon. the surgeons office would reach out to me to make an appointment.

a week later, the following friday, i woke up and it was gone. not smaller, gone. i could feel where it had been, it was somewhat tender there. i surmised that the stalk was still there but that the cyst had gone in the night somehow. they are known to sometimes go away on their own.

my range of motion was back. pain was gone. i messaged my work friend, told him, and said i was concerned that the surgeon's office would think i was lying. he told me this was nonsense, and i knew it, but i worried anyway.

i also didn't notice how much it had been bothering me until it was gone. i had fussed with it so many times a day, trying to somehow relieve the pressure and pain by massaging around it, monitoring its size (it got slightly bigger as time went on), that when i no longer had to do any of that, i didn't know what to do with myself.

moved on. surgeon's office forgot to call me and make an appointment, so it was whatever.

two weeks later, noticed some stiffness. guess who's back in the house, heels click-clackin' about, the cyst. it seemed less painful this time. range of movement was still restricted but i didn't feel the aching and nerve issues i had the first time. work friend was like, oh worm?

visited my parents. my mom was like, "if it's not causing you pain, maybe just hang out with it. it'll go away on its own - " (julie's had hers for years now though) " - or not"

i was like, i can't fully bend my wrist back though.

it is now bigger than it was before. i can see it holding my wrist mostly straight. my hand does the tingles thing just texting for too long. it is doing it right now. it fizzes resentfully if i lay my arm down with my wrist straight.

i can bend my wrist back 30 degrees. when i bend it forward, some tendon or vein or something in my hand slides over it and makes a pop.

gonna have to call the hand surgeon. the referral is good until october.

that's all i've got for now.

i hope i get a rad scar. then when the quarantine is over i can go find david and make him put his scar on my scar and we can become scar brothers or something. i'm tired sorry

uuuuuuugggghhh

my job involves typing.

medical treatment is driving and money.

i think about our profoundly corrupt society 23 hours a day and now i have a mystery pod inside my wrist.

thanks, obama.

[bigskydreaming]

Just a quick driveby post here to thank people for their continuing messages of support and donations despite the current theme of my blog being Welcome to Dullsville, Population: Me.. Not to put too fine a point on it, but its literally all that’s kept me alive, fed and with a roof over my head the past week lol, while I spend pretty much every single minute of every single hour I actually spend awake like, doing the Super Sexy Shuffle all about town as I continue hunting for a stable apartment/room to rent. Just, y’know, like, while disabled and broke and also like, during a literal pandemic because lololol, no, see, that’s what makes it FUN!

But like, yeah. So unfortunately, until I find SOMEWHERE stable to just like....exist in, until the surgery, like, my entire waking existence revolves around Addressing That. As lolol I simply can not afford to spend any of what little time I can stay upright/mobile at the moment on anything that isn’t productive towards like....tackling my one singular and obnoxiously pressing Need to fill/take care of.

Like, the good news is absolutely every single other thing needed to make the surgery even possible and get me ready for it, after an extremely long and drawn out three years, is finally and completely done and crossed off my list and officially Out of My Hands now. All scans have been done from every possible angle for the people making the prosthetic joint, insurance company has pre-approved and authorized every step and aspect of the actual surgery and hospital stay, and all of that is ready to go, I freaking got all my teeth extracted at age 35 just so as to as cheaply as possible get two straight and even rows dentures that even actually COULD be used to set a whole new bite from scratch, and that they could actually work with and use to align and position the new jaw/jaw angle at properly.....etc etc etc blah blah blah whatever.

Point is, all of that which feels so taxing and tedious even just rattling off in paragraph form, let alone LIVING it and that basically being the entirety of my whole life all day every day for three years.......like at least now its officially all done and out of my hands and at this point there is absolutely nothing left for me to do on my end or that I even CAN do on my end, other than wait fpr tje prosthetic to be finished, at which point they’ll book the surgery ASAP and at long last Make It So.

So like, I’m done done, according to every single one of the people I’ve extensively quizzed on that and then re-quizzed on that because its not like I haven’t heard that before and was told around this time LAST summer that I was at that stage only then get wallopped by the Plot Twist where they were like lol wait no scratch that, we lied.

But as far as I can tell, and accounting for every angle and possible late-stage obstacle that could still come up that I could even think of, everyone seems agreed that no This Time Its For REAL For Real Though, and like, pinky swore on it and everything, albeit in a socially distant way, of course.

*Shrugs* So they’re like, from here out its totally out of your hands and just a waiting game, so all that’s left for you to even do now is just.....keep existing until the prosthetic’s done and its surgery time. So just rest up as much as you possibly can and try to minimize your stress and pain-from-movement so as not to aggravate the issues your body is having any further than they already are.

Which totally makes sense as a plan and I am ALL for that gameplan and like, even found some cheap-o dictation software to experiment with and see if I can use it to just type-talk while lying down resting. Like, Ive gotten really good at talking while barely moving my mouth/jaw much at all, lol,  so that’s likely to still take WAY less of a toll on me than it does, having to sit up and type while gravity makes like an asshole and just stands on my jaw and makes everything worse all the ding-dong day long 

So anyway, that’s the plan at this point, and I’m totally on board and moooooore than ready to give the whole “bed-ridden” thing a try, lol. Just like. As soon as I first find a bed to be bed-ridden in, that’s at least even just a little more “actually something I can call my own bed” than the ones that I basically just rent by the day in motels that at their cheapest right now still cost like, a hundred bucks a day and lololol no that’s not sustainable and hasn’t been for a long while now but I just couldnt really do much about before while I still had to shuttle back and forth regularly between cities for different parts/stages of pre-surgery treatment.

Anyway, that’s the super exciting update on where I’ve ben and what I’ve been up to all week, and why Im not around much at the moment until I land somewhere stable, and like, preferably MUCH sooner rather than alter. But speaking of beds, now Im gonna go crash and crash HARD because Ive been up for a couple days straight now trying to Make Things Happen as much and as quickly as I can until my body force-quits on me and demands I plug back into bed for a recharging session or whatever. Ugh. 

Yeah, and tbh I have no idea if what Im saying even makes sense at this point and given how obnoxiously long it took me to get even this fairly-short-by-my-standards ramble out and onto the page, like.....this is me declaring myself officially Useless at this point and gonna go collapse now, kthxbai.

But also, seriously, seriously SO much thanks for everything everyone has done to help me this past week in particular. Legends only, each and every one of you. And like, your combined and continued goodwill is making it hard for me to even have a villain origin story so if anything that’s what’s gonna be my ultimate villain origin story so jot that down. And like. Make it make sense though.

Anyway. Thanks again! Or still, or always. And also like....goodnight! Or good morning, or good afternoon or ugh shut the fuck up and go the fuck to sleep, me.

[makesureee]

1-30 ty~

omg no thank yOU ogm ur so swe e t im sorry if i’m not able to answer all of them cause my memory is an actual pile of shit and my favourite songs are constantly changing but so HERE SO WE GO

*viewer discretion is advised because this user is annoying as shit on adderall*

 1. what album do you feel best describes your mood?at the moment, i am like, OBSESSED with the album “my bad” by Good Dog. like. i relate to EVERY. WORD. EVERY. SONG. in that album. i just. i cant cant cant nope.

  2. if your name had to be a song title which song would it be?“Oh.” ~courtesy of Good Dog

  3. what is your go to sad song when you need to cry?i don’t have a go-to sad song. i don’t cry that much anymore either. like, my pain is like, background noise that bubbles to the surface for a second (and on the rare occasion explodes) but usually like literally 2 seconds later im like im good whats up lol. as far as the last song i had a good ass cry to…..i think it might have been A Song For the Late Night People by Kate Micucci. literally not sure tho

  4. what band would you want as the rest of your superhero team?the FUKIN FRONT BOTTOMS

  5. if you had to live in the world of an album which one would it be and why?i think this question is asking which one album i would want to listen to for the rest of my life? to that, my answer is, fuck you my good sir(in middle school and freshman year of high school my ipod had one album on it. one. on repeat. for years. i literally knew the SHUFFLE by heart that shit was miserable and i do not want to listen to those songs anymore)

  6. what song best describes the person you think your soulmate would be?i don’t believe in soul mates, but as far as a compatible partner goes (based off of my most recent song obsessions) i would choose Scarred Pinkies by Walter Mitty and His Makeshift Orchestra. i’ll just drop a few lines riiiiiight here damn this post is gonna be long.“Ah, here lies all hope of being normal, all chance of an epic fate,bussing tables in Lake Tahoe, eating scraps off stranger’s plates.Ah won’t you cure me? Take me to your bug out location off the grid.I’ll tell you how I scarred my pinkies,and we’ll await Armageddon,or take a long nap.Then teach me to write well,and clean my lungs.Watch the love of my life sewing dresses on fireflies.Go and get me some real drugs to paint my blood,All while the thighs of women have lost their church,and the hands of men are shaking in the search.”“straight to hell, might as well clock out now and rail that cinnamon.”“The cops knocked, someone soon might let them in.They’ll find our strawberry cough. They’ll find the secret voice that shepherds towards the droughts in our thoughts until it snows, listen i know you know this,i’m losing it.”sry i posted like, all the lines in the song i relate to in regards of a romantic partner. but basically, in this moment i want a girlfriend i can do a lot of drugs with and shit (permitting they’re not into harder shit than i am), but i have so many problems with drugs that i’d also want that person to help me but also no. idk. in the long term i’d like someone who can help me heal from this shit but in the short term, i want to experience the romance of doing drugs with someone because i haven’t experienced much of life at all

  7. create a poem out of song titles.far away, aimless, (johnny goth/johnny goth)i have no idea what is going on. (sweatertooth)the kids on the bus with their heads against the windows, (movies)straight kids playing dress up, (the official suckers)and a body washed ashore. (johnny goth)face down, share the blame. (sweatertooth/the official suckers)no choice. (major persuit)fine, thanks. (walter mitty and his makeshift orchestra)wow that one was depressing and political lolol i just went with the flow

  8. which album art would you get tattooed?a question i dont have to write a paragraph for cause i already know the answer!!! the knife on the front bottoms album cover for talon of the hawk. i don’t want it to be my first tat tho. still brainstorming.

  9. is there a song that you feel could have been written about you?BRUH I JUST CAME ACROSS A WHOLE ALBUM WRITTEN ABOUT ME SHIT. well, obviously it wasn’t written about me but i relate to e v e r y word fukin hELL. again it’s “my bad” by Good Dog. but i think the song i relate to the most off that album is “Oh.”

  10. if you could only speak in the song lyrics of one artist who would it be?walter mitty and his makeshift orchestra. his new album is one i also hella relate to. my previous obsession before Good Dog came out with their new album XD

  11. if you could have your favorite artist sing one of their songs to you which song would it be?well this one is just impossible. my favorite artist changes and my favorite song changes like every week like fuck

  12. describe where you want to be in ten years with a song title.booger storm by walter mittynah jk how bout Set Phasers To Fun; Alarm Clocks To One by sweatertooth. you know they only have one album but it’s chill af

  13. which song would be the national anthem of your country if you ruled one?attention class….please stand for the pledge of allegiance…….. COLT 45, 2 ZIG ZAGS, BABY THAT’S ALL WE NEED.WE CAN GO TO THE PARK AFTER DARK, SMOKE THAT TUMBLE WEED,AND AS THE MARIJUANA BURN WE CAN TAKE OUR TURN SINGIN THEM DIRTY RAP SONGS.STOP AND HIT THE BONG LIKE CHEECH AND CHONGAND SELL TAPES FROM HERE TO HONG KONG.SO ROLL, ROLL, ROLL MA JOINT. PICK OUT THE SEEDS AND STEMS!WE’RE HIGH AS HELL FLYIN THRU PALMDALE SKATIN ON DAYTON RIMS

  14. what is your go to happy song when you need to feel betteri never really go to songs to feel better but kimya dawson is really comforting. she’s like, my song mom. her music is like a warm hug until you get sad cause you’re alone and all your problems are still there

  15. is there an album that feels like a friend to you?yeah actually. Hard To Be Around by Lovers Turn To Monsters

  16. what is the album that you always blast too loud?usually all but ESP my drinking album XDD it’s called Too by FIDLAR. i dEF recommend a listen next time ur drinkin

  17. which album do you always listen to with headphones?i don’t use headphones in my house unless i’m so upset and relating to the music so hard that it needs to be as loud as possible. which again, most recently, has been “my bad” by Good Dog

  18. what song are you unable to resist dancing to?none of them. i do not dance, have never danced, and will never dance

  19. what song do you always have to sing along to?every song i know the lyrics to. im a singer. i cant…not….sing….

  20. what song do feel would be a beautiful painting?if i knew i woulda goddamn painted it XD i actually used to think that way about a specific old instrumental pink floyd song once but i can’t remember which one

  21. what album do you wish you could unhear and discover again?all of them!!!!! i love them so much but when i relate to music so hard i can’t stop listening to it and then its mundane and i have to go bandcamp hunting again

  22. which album do you want to be the soundtrack to your life?i don’t rly listen to positive music but as far as my life is going right now i’d say the soundtrack is Well Soon by Walter Mitty and his Makeshift Orchestra

  23. which band would you want to be your family?i can’t answer that because i do not know any of them personally XD

  24. what song do you think of in association with beauty?what

  25. what song do you think of in association with pain?like???? all of them???? i suck ????

  26. what lyrics do you feel were written especially for you.none specifically FOR me. i’m the writer :p i can write songs about/for people and i’m kinda jealous that i’m not on the other end cause idk who the fUCK i am. but as far as lyrics i’ve found that are mE on the dot:“I’m an artist. No, I fake it. I repeat myself all day.I tell the same sad storiesin the same pathetic way.When I’m sober I am boring, when I’m drunk I talk too much,When I’m stoned I finally like myself. I shouldn’t just becauseI’m a filthy fucking liar. I think I’m nice when I am not,And I only feel like I can talk when I am smoking pot.”“Oh.” by Good Dog

  27. what lyrics do you want to doodle on every piece of paper?none that sounds boring

  28. what music do you listen to at 3 am?the same music i listen to all throughout the day because i get fixated on music i relate to

  29. pick three albums to take with you into the afterlife.none because the afterlife doesn’t exist fools get wit tha program

  30. what is music to you in one word?music

like, do you even read this? like homie it’s so long i feel like i get charity asks but like, I DON’T MIND I LOVE ASKS but holy fuck i’m annoying and i would stop being so specific and rambley if people just told me to shut up