#also i’m aware this is meant for self shipping but uhm

[schrijverr]

Defining a Killer

Takes place during 3x14: The Return. After learning about killing Sara, Thea thinks of herself as a killer. Oliver tells her that she isn’t by opening up about his own bloody past.

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: discussions of death and discussions of killing

~~~

After all the adrenaline of the day, the two Queen siblings sit quietly on the beach of Lian Yu as they wait for the day to come. Soon, they’ll be picked up and charted back to the mainland, but for now they sit by the fire, watching it crackle.

Oliver is intimately aware of Thea sitting hunched in on herself, hugging her knees. He knows the pain of guilt and wishes he could have spared her from it. She doesn’t deserve to feel like this, Sara’s death isn’t her fault, even if it were hands who carried it out.

He wants to say something, make sure she knows that it’s not on her. So, she doesn’t fall into the same trap he did of trying to make up for your father’s mistakes. He carries that burden, so she doesn’t have to and it kills him to see her do it anyway, just because Malcom wormed his way into her head.

Clumsily, he attempts: “Sara’s blood isn’t on your hands. You didn’t kill her, Malcom did by using you.”

The words are ones he’s said before and they haven’t worked then, but he needs to say something, anything, to try and break through to her.

“Tsk,” Thea huffs, hunching further into herself. “We both know that’s not true. I shot those arrows at her. Three of them. Right in her chest. How was that not my fault, Ollie?”

She looks at him, her eyes burning with rage and unshed tears. The rage isn’t directed at him, nor at Malcom, but at herself. And the rage isn’t actually rage, it’s just the emotion she feels, because it’s the emotion that’s easier than all the others.

Oliver knows, he’s been there. Which makes it all the harder to get through to her, because he also knows how many times he’s been in her shoes with someone else in his, and how he never listened to what the person in his position told him. Self-hatred and blame are hard to let go.

“You weren’t in your right mind, Speedy. He drugged you,” Oliver repeats, because it bears repeating, as often as she needs to hear it until she believes it.

“I’m a killer, Ollie,” Thea grits out. “Nothing you can say will change that.”

Unable to stop it and unsure why his brain thinks it’s a proper response to that, Oliver huffs out a snort of laughter at that.

Immediately he wants to take it back, reverse time so he can change it so he doesn’t do that, because it’s stupid. However, before he can say anything, Thea snaps: “You think that’s funny? You think it’s funny that Sara died. That I killed her? You think that’s hilarious, Oliver?”

Oef, not Ollie, but Oliver. Thea almost never calls him Oliver, one of the few people who still sticks with the name that suited him better before he set foot on the Queen’s Gambit. It’s a little bittersweet. She still sees him as who he was then, instead of the killer he is now. Bit ironic that she switched now surrounding this.

Though, it does give him more of an idea on what he wants to say next. “Speedy- Thea, I- I wasn’t laughing at you. Or Sara’s death. I promise.”

“Then why?”

“It’s just… you. You calling yourself a killer,” Oliver says, trying to explain the concepts in his brain with words.

“I killed a person. A person we both knew and loved. I did it in cold blood, she didn’t even get to defend herself,” Thea exclaims. “How is that not being a killer?”

“You’re all torn up about it,” Oliver shrugs, before cringing as he realizes how that sounds. He backtracks: “Which is good. I mean, not the, uhm, feeling bad part, but the feeling about it part. It wasn’t meant as a bad thing.”

Thea eyes him warily for a moment, then unfurls a little as she says: “You’ve been around Felicity too much,” breaking the tension as Oliver manages a genuine smile at reminder of the babbling blonde.

Then the two fall quiet again, staring into the fire.

It takes about five minutes for Thea to talk again. Oliver has been mentally beating himself up for putting his foot in his mouth during that time, unsure of how to start the conversation again, when she does it for him. “What did you mean by I’m all torn up about it?”

“You feel bad about killing Sara. It’s tearing you apart, I can see it. Killers don’t do that, Thea, they don’t. It doesn’t cross their radar that they took someone’s life,” Oliver tells her honestly, hoping the message lands without him having to get personal. He hates getting personal.

“I nearly killed Mr. Wilson today,” Thea says, not refuting him but not agreeing either.

“But you didn’t,” Oliver points out. “If you were a killer, you would have pointed that gun at him and pulled the trigger without giving me a chance to talk you out of it.”

“And how would you know,” Thea huffs, curling back in on herself from where her body language had been a bit more open before. Rejection to what he’s saying. She still feels guilty and she doesn’t believe him.

Another approach, then. Fuck, he really hoped to avoid getting personal. Trying to keep it to a minimum, he simply says: “Because I am a killer.”

Thea’s head shoots up and Oliver smartly chooses to ignore her gaze. He doesn’t want to look at her, never wanted her to know that about him, to look at him differently because of it. From the corner of his eyes, he sees her shake her head. “No, Ollie, you’re- you’re a hero. You’re not a killer, you stopped that.”

“I did stop,” Oliver agrees, because he is proud of how far he’s come in his battle against his internal darkness, but he knows that it’s there and that it’ll never fully leave. He knows who he is. So, he rightfully points out: “But that means I did kill before that.”

“That’s not the same,” Thea argues. “You weren’t killing friends, you were targeting corrupt shitheads. I worked with Laurel back then, I saw the files on some of them. You can’t compare that at all.”

Sometimes, Oliver forgets how little they all know about his time away. How much he keeps hidden, because sharing hurts, sharing shames. He’s a different man now, but that fear of everyone seeing him differently still lingers. Even if playing his old self felt uncomfortable, it had always felt safer than being himself.

Now, he finds himself on a crossroad again. He has to decide what to hide and what reveals will be worth it. Taiana flashes through his mind, how easily her neck snapped beneath his hands. Then she is followed by a slew of nameless faces that he cut through so easily, never feeling guilty or stopping for a second.

It’s not a pretty past, but he promised Thea no more lies, and he can’t risk loosing her. Not now, not over this.

Still, he tries to be vague as he says: “I’ve killed friends. Killed a bunch of people, who might not have deserved it. I wouldn’t know, I didn’t know them, they were just in my way.” He stares deeply into the flames, as if they might give him answers. “I’ve killed a lot, Speedy, during those five years. At some point, I stopped feeling bad. It was just a thing I did.” He clears his throat and looks at her. “That’s what being a killer is. I am one, I know that you aren’t.”

Thea’s eyes are wide, her mouth hanging open slightly as she looks at him, shallow breaths puffing out her chest.

She opens and closes her mouth a few times with nothing coming out, her hands twitch, as if she can physically grasp something to say out of thin air. Oliver lets her process, preferring the silence over making it worse. He can quietly await her judgment.

In the end, she softly asks: “Do you- Are you- Are you still a killer now? I- I mean, you haven’t killed anyone recently, but- but is it still…” she trails off.

“Is it still something I do?” Oliver fills in the rest of the sentence for her.

Thea nods.

“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “I could still kill someone, if my life depends on it or the life of someone I love. I- I don’t know how I’d feel. I hope I’ll feel bad, but maybe it’s too ingrained now. I didn’t feel bad when I killed the Count. But he had Felicity. I tried to kill Ra’s, but I don’t know how I would have felt if I had succeeded.”

It’s quiet for a beat, then Thea asks: “How did you feel after the first time?”

“Sick,” Oliver answers quite easily. “It was an accident, I got lucky. We rolled down a hill, he hit his head on a stone, I didn’t. I took his clothes, never learned his name, but I’ll never forget his face.”

“That’s- that’s horrible, Ollie,” Thea says. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” he smiles at her, pretending that it’s not a lie. That first kill was a turning point for him and he knows it. It was necessary. He would have died otherwise. But sometimes he lets himself wonder who he would be, if he had never taken a life. He had hoped Thea would never have to wonder, but here she is.

Shado comes to him, and he says: “The second time was somehow less bad. I felt justified. I shot this man, who’d been tormenting us for a year. He had a knife to my friend. Killing him saved her. Saved all of us. It was heat of the moment. The third time was the worst, more purposeful. Beat a man to death with a rock. I didn’t have to. The others told me to stop, but I didn’t. I just kept hitting until he stayed down.”

He doesn’t look at Thea directly, but he sees her perk up with interest and a bit of horror and confusion. He knows he rarely talks about those years. Thea has always been curious about them, wanting him to open up, but having resigned herself to never knowing.

Oliver had resolved to never tell, yet being here, back on Lian Yu, it makes all those memories come to the surface. It makes him want to share a bit of it with Thea.

“A friend,” he continues, voice growing tight as he talks about Shado, “told me that nothing can make you something you’re not. Everyone has a demon inside of them. She talked about the Ying and the Yang; the opposing forces inside all of us. The darkness and the light, the killer and the hero.”

He gives himself a second to remember her, standing in that lake with him, gently cleaning his face of the blood he spilled in her defense.

Then he takes a deep breath and looks at Thea again. “I used to let the killer lead, now I’m trying to balance what I did as a killer by trying to be a hero. You’ve had your darkness, but you also have your light. You’ve killed, but you’re not a killer. You can become one, but you can also become a hero. And I know you’re more a hero than a killer, Speedy.”

Thea, for the first time since she found out, smiles at him. It’s a bit wobbly and watery, but it’s a smile. He’d give anything to keep her smiling, no matter how little. “Thank you,” she says.

“Course.”

She scoots a bit closer to him and he lifts his arm, so she can crawl under it like she used to do as a little kid, a small tear in his heart healing when she still does so, instead of recoiling away from him after all she’s learned about him today. Maybe this whole not lying thing is working. Maybe he’s finally getting his sister back.

They stare into the flames together, before Thea teasingly asks: “So, are you going to tell me more about this lady friend of yours that you made here?”

Shado’s death still haunts him, but he doesn’t want her memory to die due to his own guilt. She deserves more than that. Still, he’s said and remembered enough today already. So, he hugs Thea closer and promises: “I will, just not today.”

He is half expecting a fight, but Thea just huddles in closer and simply says: “Okay. But I do expect details when you’re ready.”

Oliver smiles at that, rewarding her kindness by saying: “I’ll tell you all you want to know. You already know her a bit, you know.”

“Hm? How so?”

“Remember that Hozen, I gave you?”

“Of course, how could I forget. The rock.” It’s a bittersweet joke and their hearts twinge in sync for the loss of Tommy.

Not wanting to dwell on it now, Oliver says: “She gave it to me.”

There’s a surprised inhalation of air. Thea likely gathered he hadn’t gotten it at the gift shop after finding out about all the Arrow things, but hearing its true origin is probably also different from what she thought. She asks: “And did you reconnect with her?”

Melancholy overcomes him as he looks to the starry sky of Lian Yu that he watched with Shado so many nights, knowing her grave is now nearby. He won’t see her again in his life, but coming here, passing on her wisdom to Thea, makes him feel a little closer to her again.

“I guess I did, in a way,” he says, then adds: “And I know that one of these days, when I don’t win, she’ll be there waiting. And I can tell her all about what I’ve been up to.”

“She’s dead?” Thea asks.

He nods.

“Is she…?” Thea is unable to ask if she is the friend he killed.

“No, not directly,” he says. He still feels guilty about Shado’s death, still feels responsible, but he’s been working to being in a better place. Working towards the light. He likes to think she’d be proud of him for not blaming himself.

Darkness and light. Killer and hero.

She saw his darkness, she saw the killer, but she knew he could be the light and the hero. He’s honoring her by working towards believing it for himself. And Thea will get there too.

~~

A/N:

Honestly, I’m so emotional about Shado and what she meant and I was so upset at her death and how she died, like, my girl deserved so much better </3

Also very emo about Oliver getting her tattoo removed post-season 3 to symbolize him not needing it as a reminder of his guilt, because he realized he isn’t guilty and he doesn’t need that trauma on his back. Which he’s already working towards here.

[ralfstrashcan]

3x18 Reaction / Commentary

Anxious feeling of imminent doom in my gut? Check. Skipping breakfast in favor of running to my laptop like a starving person? Check. Chances of surviving this episode with my sanity intact? Uhhh.... Well here goes nothing.

But one more thing before we get started (Does anyone wanna get out? Yeah, me!!!! Okay sorry.)

Who's this mysterious “Alex” person?? A new player on the board???

Alright alright, I'm stalling, I know. It's weird, last week couldn't pass quick enough but now I really don't wanna click the play button... okay anyway you're probably not here to read my angsting, so. Deep breath and here goes.

In terms of putting my nerves at ease this is working out pretty good. I love Becky, okay, and her sibling ship with Simon and the Sneak Peek made me real happy and I can't wait to see more of those two together (especially considering this'll probably be her last appearance on the show). So, yeah Team Lewis! (Also that comment about them and Clary never missing a Halloween together? I need all the kid fics!!!)

Lol dude I mean you literally died for knowing about it, but sure, make an understatement XD Also, “all the way from Florida”??? Last thing I knew about her she was lying in a hospital bed a week ago (aka 3A)? When did she get released? And relocated? I missed that???

:D :D :D <3<3<3

Queen Izzy :))))))) btw those kids had seriously lacking survival skills if you ask me. That wasn't normal, right? And where were their supervisors??

Effing f-i-n-a-l-l-y.

Also, Magnus with the deflecting again as soon as he's recovered just the tiniest bit is both painfully ic and also just painful </3

Ugh, can you believe Clace entered the Malec scene even though they must have felt it was a bad time and deranged it with their flirting? Unfair. In any case I agree, Clary was always and will always be an idiot XD haha okay sorry, I don't really mean that (only like, 83%) it's just the setup was too good to pass it up ;) I mean even Alec laughed at Jace calling her an idiot so I'm well within my rights to do it, too XD

Thanks, Alec, for sabotaging the one shot at open communication you had. I mean, I want to believe he does it because he realizes Magnus is back to his deflecting self and prodding will get him nowhere, but uhm, could he try for longer than three seconds before giving up? Is he really gonna let Magnus off the hook so easily and do something stupid and reckless instead?? *sigh* BUT ALSO HIS FRAKKING FACE OKAY I CAN'T

“Back from the Plot Fold”

Alec “Tact” Lightwood looooool

“Bitch I worked on this performance for centuries how dare you”

SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.

sdfshfsjdkfjsdf I love the way he talks okay. Exquisite. (Also he has a birthmark on his lip. It's really distracting. Am I implying Asmodeus is hot? Maybe. You can't prove a thing.)

............................................................your self-confident didn't make any progress since season 1, did it, Alec? *sigh* I mean he's basically agreeing with Asmodeus that this is what will happen if their situation doesn't change.

Okay what is structure, let me just yell my impressions of this scene at you. 1) Both of their acting is stellar. Love all the little body language cues, especially Asmodeus's mocking facial expressions. 2) “Return what you stole” and Asmodeus protesting it because clearly he had a “fair deal” with Magnus. 3) Alec breaking eye contact whenever Asmodeus lands a hit (“One he already regrets.” “You make him vulnerable, weak.”) 4) The fact that Alec protests the potential-line with “We love each other.” I was confused at first but when you think about it Alec says that they help each other access their full potential by loving each other and that's a beautiful sentiment. 5) Of course then Asmodeus lands another hit with “Then I'm afraid you will be the death of him” and Alec is back to looking away.

Thank you, Alec, for not being a total idiot.

“...or else the deal is off.” Obviously. Thank you, Asmodeus, for not being a total idiot either.

.........did he just nod? I knew I was right making that 'total' italic, implying he's still somewhat of an idiot XD

sooooo pretttyyyyyyyyyyyyy

And I can't believed Clary missed Luke so much she visited him in prison a total of 0 times.

Look I'm weak and I dig the Jace-Luke-father-son-in-law-dynamic.

Also can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that Alec is able to function as Head of the Institue even though he has to make the hardest decision of his life at the same time?? Just saying. Guy knows how to handle his shadowhunter responsibility. If only he was as capable in handling other things and omg this is not an innuendo you naughty people, I meant emotional intelligence goddammit.

I mean, he's not wrong? The way he cares about her is uniquely twisted, so.

.........................is Alec having 2x12 flashbacks? Because I sure am.

Hmmmm always admiring Clary's screaming skills :)

*sigh* I mean she didn't just SAY intense pain for a short while? Why am I even bothering.

The scientist has spoken lol.

1) They had a whole underground basement full of tons and tons of that serum, right? If those are all made up of nanoparticles then I really really wonder how big the Glorious splitter was that they extracted the serum from. Since, you know, that whole stash was supposed to be enough for the Downworlders all over the world. Wtf 2) I guess “self-destructing” that basement is gonna come back to roost them and they need to recover the original sword to eliminate the Evil Rune, right???? haha

Asmodeus wrote: Hurry up pretty boy, our deal isn't on the table forever ;)

I'm actually impressed Jace remembered to ask Alec about the proposal. You get some more diligence starlets, Jace <3

OMG ALEC ARE YOU SHITTING ME ARE YOU SHITTING ME ARE YOU SHITTING ME *sigh* I mean, those two situations are obviously totally comparable, right? I for my part am, again, having severe 2x12 flashbacks, where Alec asked Jace's council about something that Jace totally wasn't equipped to answer. *SIGH*

And I guess Jace isn't suspicious because of Alec's super suspicious behavior, right?????? Ugh.

The sad part is, Alec will probably see that as confirmation that he should go through with it because he doesn't want to be selfish. So while yay, Alec seeking council, he does it in the worst way possible :( at least I got some parabatai feels out of it :/

On the one hand I'm glad she sees it that way* on the other hand this is clearly supposed to be the influence of the rune, so that's kinda undermining her statement and making it even less credible. Thanks, show.

*Yes he was a victim, no he still carries some responsibility for his actions because free will is a thing and he's had some time on earth where he wasn't exactly coerced by anyone. Manipulated, yes. But he's aware of his agency and he should have used it better. I get that I'm asking for a lot here, maybe too much, and circumstances were always against him, but I'm also not absolving him of all his crimes.

Magnus deflecting because that's what he does. God forbid a scene that could be about him actually ends up being about him instead of a side pairing I couldn't care less about. *sigh*

Also, I'm not exactly sure if Magnus really thinks Alec thought being around Maryse could help him, or if he just said that as another means to deflect because honestly, the way Alec suggested to Magnus he go to Maryse was more the here-go-see-your-babysitter-approach than anything else, especially because he basically cut of the conversation they where having before Clace interrupted. *SIGH*

WELL I COULD

YOU NO FRIKKIN SAY, MARYSE

“My lips are sealed.... especially about my issues ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

THE DISDAIN AHAHHAHAHA CATCH ME WHEEZING ON THE GROUND

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SEELIE QUEEN IS QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this.... actually......... a scene with Alec and Izzy???? HELL YEAH

Okay, words. First off, I LOVE that Alec spills all the beans, and to Izzy, the one emotionally capable Lightwood. I mean, yay Jalec and all, but it's an universally acknowledged truth that Lightwood Men seem to be pretty unable to handle their emotions in a productive way.

Second off, the music playing in the background? Is the one from the Malec Breakup Scene from 2x18. Yay mood reference, I mean. Thanks for that lovely detail, show. (Hahahaha I don't even know if I'm sarcastic or not because it's so witty but on the other hand it's just cruelly twisting the knife like r u for real man give me a damn break.)

Third off, I love basically every line of this dialogue. The fact that Alec (or anyone really) FINALLY acknowledges that Magnus gave up his powers and saved Jace for Alec. Alec's argument: “Magnus sacrificed everything so I could feel whole and now I have the chance to do the same for him.” Also that wording, “a chance”? Not an obligation, not a repayment of a dept. A chance. Because he loves Magnus and this is his chance to fix it. (In his eyes at least, pssssh.)

And Izzy's intent “He wouldn't want this. He loves you so much.” So valid. And less biased (aka skewed by shitty self-esteem) than Alec's assessment of the situation.

Also this

Ouch, just. Ouch. So ic.

Also this

Izzy asking all the right questions. The way Alec looks away means “No” and the determined way he meets her gaze again after means “But that doesn't matter.” Very good scene.

(Honestly the only thing I would have wished for is that Izzy is a little more firm in her assertion that Magnus wouldn't want this and she like, tries to change Alec's mind instead of just accepting his decision.)

hehehe :)

The same time you moved to Florida apparently.

hahaahahha <3<3<3 kick-ass sister material

.........<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 this deserves so much recognition okay. Since we all know drinking away his problems is Magnus's No 1 coping mechanism. Too bad he'll be pushed into his liquor again by Alec unwisely breaking up with him at the end of the episode (because I daren't dream of a change of heart on Alec's side.)

Also is this the part where Maryse blabs out Alec's proposal plans??

Ugh yay, so after Maryse reassuring Magnus that they are all here for him I guess the breakup is just gonna get 5 shades uglier. Yaaay.

Love that necklace damn.

Obligatory Sizzy moment in front of Becky so she can call Simon out on it later: Check. Just glad this role doesn't fall to Raphael. (Also you bet your ass I chose Becky's line as a picture for this because I'm really that petty.)

Also omg, I just peeked into the German dubbing because obviously the Count von Count pun doesn't work because the words for Count and the word for counting aren't the same here and the guy is named Graf Zahl. And just skdjfslkdjfklsdjfkld Simon's line “That does sound really made up” is honest to God transated with “You're right, I just made him up” like oh my God who is in charge of translating this and why are they so incompetent honestly!!!!!!!! W H Y

Lol that's gotta be the first time in his life that he called her Isabelle. Probably because she was slacking off during patrol.

AAAAAND I'M WHEEZING AGAIN AHAHHA HER OFFENDED FACE Honestly the seelie queen and Becky should start a comedy spin-off, I'd be watching the shit out of that XD

HAHAHAHAH HAVE MERCY XD XD XD Then again, can you blame Simon? Izzy is sooooo droolworthy.

1) She's gonna let Alec, Jace and Clary (two and a half shadowhunters ahaha) take on a whole nest of demons alone? Instead of backing them up? Okay???

2) Why they telling them that??? As far as they are concerned Simon and Becky are civilians, not their parents.

?????? NO SHE SHOULD TAKE BECKY WITH HER!!!!!!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE BECKY TOURING THE INSTITUTE? BECKY MARVELING AT ALL THE UNREALISTIC SHADOWHUNTER TECH?? BECKY KIDDING AROUND IN THE LAB??? I WAS ROBBED!!!

:)))) even Jace breaking out the comedy :D :D :D I approve

Those are some nice wings. Not perfect, but very very nice.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Okay, Parabatai Fight Scene!!! 1) Jace again with his axes, nice.

2) Being sassy instead of, idk, picking up his weapons: Check.

3) True dat, but uh, Jace, what was the plan if Alec hadn't shown up? Inviting Drevak Queen out on a date?

4) I mean, why shoot one when you can shoot five, right? Good motto. But I still kind of want an explanation how two of those arrows could land in the Drevak Queen's head and the other three in her chest, like, what are physics anyway amiright?

5) Shot meant to make Jace look heroic when really, since we earlier learnt that killing the Drevak Queen kills all her spawn*, this was just Alec doing Jace's work for him XD

*Uh, yeah what the hell is up with that. Chitauri Genetic Defect or something? *sigh*

*Feelings of terrible foreboding intensify*

sssssssssssssssssssssssudden

Look, I agree. I just don't think Maia could really comprehend / accept that so fast (and off-screen) because ugh reasons, too tired to repeat myself again *waves hand unhelpfully* but whatever, I can accept this. I made my peace with it.

1) Last time I checked those cells were secured with a combination lock thingy.

2) Thanks Lanaia for sabotaging Sizzy, I'll be sure to send you a gift basket (or, if what I think will happen happens, some flowers for your grave lol).

*snorts* Reminds me of Hannibal who was always making cannibal puns at people and no one noticed XD Also, her knocking Jace out was really dumb? I mean, he wouldn't have stopped her from saving Jonathan because, uh, that's saving her own neck, too. And if she'd portaled them both to the cell she could have disposed of him there way easier, locking him up – since apparently she didn't plan to kill him, and that nice straightjacket would have kept him from alerting the other Shadowhunters way longer than that pipe over the head. So, wholly unnecessary. I mean, in a way it's nice to know that Demonic Clary isn't smarter than Regular Clary.

Dude she's literally wielding a spear, how dumb are you.

Aaaaaand there goes my order to the nearest funeral wreath shop XD

Look I have questions (which, okay, I should have asked sooner but what even is continuity right). When that weird gratifying wing dream sequence started I thought it was Clary tapping into the rune connection and it was the real Jonathan communicating with her. When Jace entered the play field it was clear at least some part must be fake because Jace sure as heck wasn't unconscious / in trance at the time and later didn't give any indication that he participated in some creepy contest for Clary's affections. But now Jonathan is surprised by this, too? He, too, was a product of Clary's imagination? I have so many questions, first of all, why the wings? And the really cheap back-white-symbolism? Also, why did Clary feel so drawn to Jonathan if this was all in her own mind? Was it the influence of the Evil Rune? Does the Evil Rune have a user interface that's shaped to look like Jonathan? Does that mean Jonathan has a Clary-shaped interface??? I need answers.

Ugh. Let's make this long and painful, shall we.

OF COURSE IN THE ONE SCENE WHERE SHIT WILL GO DOWN THEY DON'T FAIL AT CASUAL INTIMACY THANK YOU FOR  N O T H I N G

Let's not talk about the fact that the thought, Alec could mean anything but a break together from everything that's been going on, doesn't even cross Magnus's mind because no. Noooooo. I'd rather talk about how absolutey awesome both of their acting is. For Alec I really like the way he moves his eyes, like the gaze darting around alternating with the rigid stare. For Magnus, uh, everything, just like, his whole face is perfection?? Yeah, that works.

The way he interrupts because he just needs to get this over with as quickly as possible.

Dammit, he does this eyelid dip here, it's not a blink, it's just his eyelids twitching down for a second because this is like a slap in the face. And then he turns and takes a step away because his instinct is to run from this because what is this, this can't be

“Is this about last night? Because I'm going to quit drinking.”

Magnus “forever apologizing for being an 'inconvenience'” Bane, final installment.

Dammit, his face. And again with the deflecting, trivializing his feelings, anything to keep this conversation from going where he thinks it's going.

*EYE ROLL* Sorry but you don't get to play that card after being effin obtuse for 7 episodes, Alec. Nope. Nope.

Magnus, his usual walls rudely ripped away. He has no chance but to admit how shitty he's feeling. And if it wasn't for the circumstances I'd say “yay, finally some communication” but well.

“Fine. I'm in pain,” he says, and Alec turns away, breaking eye contact for a moment because the final confirmation is too much for him for a moment.

I love that Magnus doesn't deliver this line meekly. He's worked up, sure, but there's also a confidence when talking about their relationship. Breaking up is an unrealistic concept to him in that moment because it's so absurd. It's not fixing anything so why would it happen? Makes no sense. *insert weeping sounds*

Brutal and efficient. Very ic.

Damn how does even his blink convey so much vulnerability??? (Somewhere Lexa is nodding approvingly.) (Also why didn't I find gif sets of this :c)

“You said there's nothing I can do to make it better.”

There's an audible difference in his voice, because this part is true and he's not lying. The controlled monotone isn't there anymore. This is his real despair in the face of not being able to do anything to help Magnus.

“It's not your job to make it better.”

Again, if this was a constructive conversation it would be a great step in the right direction. But sadly it isn't, and so this is too little too late.

“Well, what am I supposed to do? Just stand by and watch you suffer for the rest of our lives?”

Alec is still speaking the truth, and this is his motivation to go through with it. Because a) he believes what Magnus said about never being happy again without his magic (sidenote, he didn't, in fact, say that, he said it might never pass (meaning being affected by the magic loss) and he's not happy at the moment, which isn't the same as he'll definitely surely never be happy again without his magic, but whatever) and b) he's sure he doesn't mean all that much to Magnus. He's his current love, but that's about it. Nothing special, not worth leaving such devastating traces in Magnus's life and he certainly doesn't mean as much to Magnus as Magnus means to him. And especially from that second part stems his gravely false assessment of the situation which in the course of consideration leads him to the conclusion that breaking Magnus's heart will hurt less in the long run than him not having his magic. There's also the fact that be probably didn't think about how him doing this to Magnus will confirm every last insecurity Magnus ever had about not being lovable, because I can't believe he would have gone through with this if he'd thought of that. Or at least, he would have been visibly more torn about it, maybe even talked out of it by Izzy, etc. But it's ic for Alec not to think like that, because in a way I guess he loves Magnus too much to really understand that Magnus has these doubts. And Magnus mostly playing his vulnerabilities close to his chest isn't working in his favor here either.

“This isn't you. You're not this selfish.”

This is what I mean. If Alec was less convinced that he's doing the right thing this line might have shaken him out of it. Honestly, I half hoped he'd object this, consequentally incriminate himself and Magnus would catch on that something was going on. But ofc that didn't happen.

The spark line, just. Ouch. Again, very clinical and minimalistc. The way Alec stares, his voice back to being monotone, the way he clenches his jaw. And then his work here is done and he's ready to leave.

It only gets worse from there. Magnus, frozen in disbelieve because this can't possibly be true, and then he starts begging and it breaks my heart every single time okay. To see him reduced to this desperation is just cruel.

I still can't help but note the way Alec readily turns around before Magnus has competely turned around himself. I think he was on the brink of giving in.

The way Magnus holds on to him, hands fluttering over his arms, shoulders, cheeks. The way Alec can't even look at him for the barest second, eyes closed, breath going heavy. Magnus's everything. Just kill me now.

And let's not talk about their kisses and Magnus's whispered words because no. There's nothing to say to that except perfection. Intense, top notch emotion portrayal on both parts.

Then Alec pulls away (how???? gotta admire commitment and an iron will when you see it but boy is it misplaced) and Magnus's hands tremble because this can't be happening, this can't possibly be real.

Note that Alec doesn't look him in the eyes once because he knows if he did, it'd all be over. Also note the look of utter betrayal on Magnus's face. It's not just hurt and heartbreak, it's betrayal because this is what this is. Alec promised him something, made him believe that he could trust in him, in them, and now he's going back on his word.

Well, this was fun, let's never do it again.

Look, I don't have the nerve for this anymore, so I'll keep it short and in no particular order: - Asmodeus is ass powerful and manages to distance-summon himself, yay, nice to know that the one time a shadowhunter doesn't act stupid and impulsive it still doesn't pay off. - Asmodeus killing pissed off warlock lady was both obvious and unnecessary. - His smile is creepy. - “My son needs me.” MY ASS - He still needs to support himself on the back of the chair because he's a weak bitch hahaha.

Conclusion: *sounds of despair*

I just watched the 3x19 promo and.... they're really gonna end Malec on a train wreck this season, aren't they?? Oh God. They hoped they'd have a forth season to work through it and that's why they served themselves with issues and second helpings of extra issues, and since s4 isn't a thing we're gonna get an unsatisfying as hell 2x20-style resolution in the finale. God please say I'm wrong but like. Arrgghhhh.

(Also, credit where credit is due: “Before we get started, does anyone wanna get out?” is the line from Captain America in TWS before the elevator fight.)

[hjertetssunnegalskap1]

The Skamdom, the good parts and bad parts and what to do with it

I love Skam. The Skam fandom has been and still is, joy in so many ways. It’s amazing to meet other fans who love the show and love everything connected to it. The Skamdom has been more than a weird obsession, it has given me a feeling of family and friendship, too. I have learned a lot about myself and my own prejudices and about my identity and preferences. Skam has been an inspiration to create fanwork, I have gotten lots of positive feedback and it has helped me to have fun with creating stuff again.

However, I have discovered that there are some parts of the fandom that are quite toxic. Yeah, I know, water is wet, hah. I guess it’s well known that there are negative sides to all fandoms. I’m pretty new to fandom life, though, and I suppose it has taken time to get fully aware of how bad things can get. Skam has a positive underlying message, after all, and I have often thought that it “should be too good for hate like this.” Well, it isn’t. We all know it. It’s even possible that parts of Skam somehow ignite certain forms of toxic fandom processes, too, although I have no idea what that could be. Could it be that the show feels so real? That the characters are so young? That the show handles important issues? I really don’t know, but I would love to hear all the theories. 

Anyway, I have noticed that even though people spreading hate usually are a small fraction of the fandom, they have the power to do significant damage. Hate drives people out of ships, and out of the fandom. Hate makes fanfic writers stop writing and artists stop making art. Fans are being frozen out or silenced because they have the wrong opinion.This is sad, and the worst part is, that it has happened more than once.

What makes a fandom toxic, then? Why does it happen in the first place? And what can we do about it? I have tried to read up on some ideas about it and mixed it with some of my own thoughts about group processes. I won’t pretend to know anything about fandom life previous to Skam or on earlier fandom sites, but I would like to say something about the things I do know of. The reason I write this is purely selfish, by the way. I need to understand this. The Skam fandom is constantly evolving (as it probably should) and I need to keep my own fandom experience good, and to do that, I need to get what this negativity is all about, and how to deal with it.

So, what is it about?

First of all, I should mention that I’m kinda hesitant about talking about good vs. bad fandom behaviour. Life isn’t black or white like that and I don’t like to describe processes as if they were. However, there are fandom actions that are bad, and toxic, and I think it can be useful to talk about it in the open. Just remember that I’m not trying to call out anyone here. I think we’re all more or less guilty of negative fandom behaviour.

When I start to talk about what is toxic in a fandom, I suppose it can be smart to start with what it isn’t. Well, obviously, sharing your love for something isn’t. Also, I think that fans disagreeing and discussing stuff isn’t toxic. Making arguments for what you think is a good thing, just as expressing how you feel about something, or critiquing something constructively. Open discussions keep the fandom alive. Talking is good!!!  

Attacking others with threats or extreme actions, however, not so much. Here are some examples of what I think are toxic sides of the fandom: 

Possessiveness: some fans feel like they own the content they're fans of, that it belongs to them, and only to them. Fans are stalking the actors, for instance, and trying to control them. Sending hate and threats to Henrik’s girlfriend, is a good example. Or spreading hate about Tarjei when he withdrew from some fans and sat boundaries for them. Ulrikke has experienced a lot of hate because she doesn’t follow the wishes of some fans, as well. 

What if the actors or creators do some really shitty things? What if they express prejudices or ignorance or maybe they do something they shouldn’t do? Well, it’s not possessive to point out that the creators or actors do shitty things. It’s possessive to try to control them.

I suppose a lot of fans can feel a hint of possessiveness at times. Like, when someone expresses “I almost don’t want this fandom to grow bigger, I want it to stay our small precious treasure”. It doesn’t have to be harmful, only if the fans exclude others or act in a harmful way because of it.

Entitlement: some fans think that the creators must do what they want. For example, the fans may demand a particular romantic pairing or 'ship' to happen in a show, and be furious enough to send death threats to the authors if this doesn't happen.

Everyone can get disappointed in things happening, of course, and expressing that is okay. But there’s a difference between expressing disappointment and spreading hate. 

Feeling superior: some fans feel superior to more casual fans, and shout loudly about it. Or they feel better than other fractions of the fandom. Some fans might not feel superior, but maybe special. They have their self-concept shaped by the fact that their fandom makes them an outcast. Maybe they even feel bullied. But in some cases, they are the ones who hate on others for things they like. This can often end in fan wars (”this remake is better than that”). 

I think a feeling of “others don’t get this show like we do” is familiar to many in the fandom and in many different groupings. I can’t say that I have felt superior in any way, but

I have at least once expressed my opinions on characterization in a way that other fans found offensive. 

Us and them: This toxic culture of possessiveness, entitlement and feeling superior develops in so-called “internet echo chambers”, spaces where dissenting opinions are not tolerated. This means the group has a conformist mentality and everything is about “us” and “them”. 

Outsiders are usually rudely educated or just simply banned. This conflict creates a sense of self and community that is tied to the in-group, the 'safe haven' of the fan community. Online, these groups pat each other on the back for liking the right version of the show, or the right ship or whatever, and not only that, but having the group's particular opinions on it, and for participating in conventions, contributing art and fan fiction, and so on. 

Losing their identity: When people are part of a group, they often experience a loss of self-awareness. They are less likely to follow normal restraints and inhibitions and more likely to lose their sense of individual identity. Groups can generate a sense of emotional excitement, which can lead to behaviours that a person would not typically engage in if alone.

I think a lot of fans can recognize this feeling of getting swept away with some amazing ideas in a group. When it leads to spreading hate, it becomes toxic.  

Addiction: People also get addicted to the attention and validation these online niches can give them, especially if the outside world is less friendly. That leads them to extreme in-group loyalty and extreme out-group hatred. They can get so caught up in their fandom that they stop caring about people outside of it.

And yeah, uhm. I can actually recognize the addictive part of fandom life. I need to check Tumblr and AO3 every day, for instance, as well as check in on fandom friends. I live for every kudos or like I get on the things I make. I know, addiction is maybe not toxic for others than yourself, but I still wanted to add it. Addiction can also lead to toxic behaviour towards others in the fandom. 

So... What to do, then?

It’s not easy to handle these things. One problem is that attempting to confront toxic fandom processes results in the groups withdrawing into their echo chambers and feeling superior. I have tried once or twice to answer hate like that with reasoning but often it’s mostly to sort my own thoughts on the subject (I think better in writing). I have rarely experienced to get through to anyone. 

Sometimes, or pretty often, ignoring toxic behaviour might be best. Confrontation may just result in circular arguments, after all. If you ignore the behaviour, you're not giving it attention. Also, you can let them think what they want to think. You can block, delete, or ignore negative people or behaviour on most social media networks. I have filtered and blacklisted words on Tumblr and it has helped a lot. That’s maybe one of my best tips. Scroll past stuff that isn’t for you. Remember the phrase “don’t like, don’t read.” Make the content that you’re passionate about. Talk about the things you love. Share your opinions. Focus on the stuff that makes you happy. That’s my goal, anyway.

When should you confront someone, then? My opinion is that it can be okay to confront if they're going beyond simply having an opinion, into the world of threats, harassment, and stalking. When the stuff being said can be hurtful or discriminating, too. Then it’s right to both confront and report, really.

Is this fandom stuff worth all this hassle?

I hope this long rant doesn’t bring you down too much. Despite all of this negativity, I believe fandom is a very positive thing. Most fans just want to enjoy the things they love with others who love the same things. That’s my main goal, too. Skam has been important to me and I want it to continue to be that. I want to keep the fandom as a space to share my love for the show. Thinking through these processes has helped me see a little more clearly how to do that. 

Ultimately, the Skam fandom is what we make of it, and we all can make it better. We can talk and share opinions and remind each other that we don’t support harassment, especially over ships or different versions of Skam. We can be decent to each other. I am not saying “be kind, always”, because in my opinion that phrase was never meant to stand alone without “being an asshole isn’t something you become, it’s a choice”. 

But yeah, that’s another discussion. My point is, if we all work together, we can manage to have a fandom that is open and tolerant and spreading love instead of fear and hate. And if that’s a little too optimistic, I’m gonna filter and blacklist and stick to “don’t like, don’t read” and see if it helps.

[jeffgoldblumsmulletinthe90s]

I would love to hear about what drew you to this ship (gradence, obv). Why you fell in love with it, what about it made you think, "I gotta write fic about them." What keeps you writing fic about them. I feel like we're super lucky to have you contributing to the fandom and so I was just curious how that came to be!

Hmmm... well first of all three of my super hot and amazingly talent friends told me to watch the movie back in December 2016, so of course I didn’t watch the movie until fucking February because I am an idiot and it takes daily harassment and an act of fucking act of GOD to get me to do fucking anything.

Anyway, I basically, uhm, lay in bed and cried for an hour afterwards because everything hurt so much.

Also I was frankly furious about all the plot holes (”In a City, Reconstructed” is my labor of love based purely on that anger).

What drew me to Gradence was uhhhh... the personal connection that I feel to Credence Barebone, 20-something gay eldritch horror with bad hair. 

Also I’ve had a crush on Colin Farrell since... 2004? Maybe earlier. 

I’m putting a cut here cause I keep talking but like I talk about abuse/domestic violence and fucky shit that comes out of that.

ANYWAY. There’s a lot to the canon interactions that really got to me, but one of the big plot holes I felt was that... Grindelgraves is not really good enough at social interactions to keep Credence and I, as a person who has been played hard by many people, was like “Hey now, getting the shit beat out of you by your parent makes you really untrustworthy of strangers for a variety of reasons mostly based in you getting the shit beat out of you.” I just didn’t feel like the movie showed me how a strange man, even a VERY ATTRACTIVE strange man, could win Credence’s devotion and so I decided it was likely that maybe the real Graves had won Credence’s trust and GG was exploiting it (that’s the premise of “In a City” obviously).

But I think a part of it is certainly that my brain is kinda fucky and is attracted to fucky things. I’d say I’m way more self-aware about my own fucky-ness now than I was in... 2010 or even 2011. Idk when did I break up with my last ex? 2012?

But I’d say a certain part of the attraction of Credence/OG!Graves is the fucked up part of me that always wanted to believe that people who hurt me meant it when they said they were going to change or that it somehow wasn’t “really” them that hurt me — that it was mental illness or alcohol or work stress or whatever, it wasn’t the Real Them.

This is a common thing in abusive relationships and I admit the fantasy that someone you cared about will come back and actually be a good person who is worthy of your love and will save and protect and care for you, that’s an INCREDIBLY powerful fantasy. And when you’re already in a situation where someone is beating the shit out of you, you long for someone who will rescue you. You fantasize a LOT about this dream person who will take care of you and love you, where you realize you are terribly in need of care and love.

I wanted Graves, the real one, to be someone that Credence could lean into the way he wants to. Because it takes a lot to do that, to be vulnerable enough to want something, especially to want to be touched, when you are used to violence.

And I talked to my super hot, super talented friends and started to build up my conception of this guy, this Percival Graves, and what kind of guy he might be given the position he holds and the role he takes and the things we know he does before the events of the movie. There was this void, really, and I saw an opportunity to create a character who would not only be willing to love and care for Credence but would be an experienced and GOOD enough person to want better for Credence than Credence can even imagine for himself. Who would see Credence and see someone who is incredibly strong, incredibly powerful, incredibly beautiful, someone who is funny and smart and both interesting and interested.

You’d be thinking since Credo is someone that I relate to that I’d be making like my ideal partner but JOKES: I made Percival Graves the kind of person I want to be.

(It makes sense when you think that I’m thinking of Credence as the kind of person I was when I was 21 and Tina as the kind of person I am from 25 to now. Then Graves is the human being I want to be by 40.)

ANYWAY. I often have very intense creative relationships with muses and I’m having one of those with Credence. I did not anticipate it lasting as long as it has, but I’m happy. Before this I was MOSTLY writing just purely happy stuff that was not really reflective of relationships or feelings that I have, but things that I ideally wanted. My last muse (MY ULTIMATE MUSE) is someone who is aspirational for me.

But Credence makes me look back over my shoulder. As a character, caring about him and writing about him helps me to forgive and love the parts of myself that went through some Bad Shit. And I want him to be happy. I want to write the story where he gets through all the Bad Shit and good things happen and he can love someone and be loved. I am... still working on that in my personal life. But I think this is... a step? Maybe? IF NOT THEN IT’S JUST FUN and I refuse to begrudge myself some fun in this the year 2017.

[ladypjmoon]

BTS FF Reads for May…

Greetings Readers!!!

Here is the BTS FanFiction Reading List for May!!!  

These are just some of the amazing stories I’ve read lately—cheers to all the talented writers out there!!!

And as always, if you enjoy a story PLEASE leave the author a comment at the links provided—I haven’t found one who doesn’t respond well to their fans!!!

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01)   Title: A Knight's Duty

Ship:  Jikook

Author:  by jeong4vr

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/10152389

Summary: Jeon Jeongguk is the knight guarding Sierthia's crown prince Park Jimin, and well, that just happens to be easier said than done when all prince Jimin wants to do is: firstly, fuck Jeongguk, secondly, run around without letting anyone know beforehand.

My Review: This is a magic kingdom au—done extremely well, I might add!  I love how the author has Jungkook in total denial about how many times (he eludes to ONE, err sure Kook!) he’s caved to Prince Jimin’s charms—yet it only takes one visit to Yoongi’s magic shack for Jungkook to give up the lie, lol! And even though I’m a puritan when it comes to Yoonmin & Taekook—this was done right so f*ckit, I stan Jikook here—highly recommend this one—enjoy the smut...it’s magical!!! ;)  

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 02)   Title: Backseat

Ship:  Yoonmin

Author:  by nomilkonlysuga (Umekozaru)

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/9548933.

Summary:  Yoongi is possessive. Jimin is his. Jungkook is his. With the small difference that Jungkook can't keep his fucking hands to himself, apparently. Punishment ensues.

My Review: Ok, uhm I liked this story but I also had to be in the right frame of mind to read it—not a lot of fluff and feels in this one so be forewarned—this one is rough around the edges as far as sexual content so READ the tags for more help!

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 03)   Title: Date Me

Ship:  Taekook | Vkook

Author:  by flywithtaetae (kimtaehyungs)

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/3948544

Summary:  Taehyung flirts with the cute high school boy and relishes in the flustered reaction he gets for almost an entire year. But when the following year comes along, he finds himself choking on his own words.

My Review: Fluff and feels for this coffee shop au where Taehyung watches the young high school boy Jungkook grow into a beautiful young man and graduate before his eyes while nursing the hugest crush ever—this ends beautifully and all is right with the world...this will definitely have you smiling all the way through!        

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 04)   Title: do what you want (with my body)

Ship:  Taekook | Vkook

Author:  by aeterisks

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/8125570

Summary:  Jeongguk isn't quite sure what the game he and Taehyung are playing right now is, but he's not going to lose.

My Review:  Flat broke college student au (God don’t miss those days, lol!) where both Taehyung and Jungkook are a little too competitive for their own good—and yet it seems to work out in their favor this time around—as they’re both harboring hidden feelings for each other that are finally explored during a visit to the local theater...there’s some great dialog and the smut is lit so read the TAGS, lol!

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 05)   Title:  Hello, I'm Min Yoongi, and I'm not desperately in love with you.

Ship:  Yoonmin

Author:  by Giveme5minutes

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/9521771

Summary:  Where Yoongi is not so secretly pining after Jimin, Jimin is being very oblivious to his own feelings, Taehyung is very, very confused, and everyone else is just enjoying the show.

My Review: This is an absolute gem for any Yoonmin fan.  There is something so honest and organic about this story because neither Yoongi nor Jimin are rightfully aware of their own feelings—we see their love blossom through the other members memories and it’s a genuine love story that has a perfect ending...this is a favorite of mine because it’s Yoonmin love in its purest form.  Fluff and feels at its best...you won’t be sorry!

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 06)   Title: In Black Ink (My Lust May Still Shine Bright)

Ship:  Yoonmin

Author:  by Untested Waters

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/8735260.

Summary:  It’s another Tuesday morning in the cafe when Jimin first sees him. It takes him off guard, really. It's not that Jimin stereotypes him or something like that. It's just...well, their usual crowd is a bunch of hipsters in fake glasses, ordering macchiato(s) and writing poetry on laptops covered in dorky stickers.  Min Yoongi walks into his coffee shop and completely shatters the monotony of his work life.  (or, Jimin is extremely turned on by Yoongi's tattoos and Yoongi thinks Jimin is cute)

My Review: Tattoos, piercings and sexy time—this is exactly why my heart belongs to Min Yoongi—sensual to the bone (pun intended ;) and Yoongi’s getting it done...if Jimin can stop squirming long enough and relax.  WoW! Once again this story heats up the room so read the TAGS and you might wanna NOT read this at church/mass/synagogue—just trying to keep it real...don’t want anyone passing the f*ck out, lmfao! ;)

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 07)   Title: in your eyes (it's where i wanna be)

Ship:  Yoonmin

Author:  by bonnia

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/6602608

Summary:  Jimin pauses with his marker inches away from the cup, because — is he really going to do this? Isn’t it a bit old-fashioned to write something flirty on a coffee cup? But no matter what is churning gut says about danger and what the hell are you doing do you want to die, this guy is — with no better way to put it — totally Jimin’s Type with a capital T. (Or: Jimin accidentally starts a nickname war with the cute blonde who likes his coffee way too bitter.)

My Review: Sickeningly sweet with pet names—total fluff and feels—Jungkook is pretty extra, Taehyung is his usual blissful self and the rest of the crew is represented in a very realistic fashion...well written plot with great flow and tender theme.  This is a fun read so make sure you let bonnia know you liked it!    

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 08)   Title: knock it back

Ship:  Vhope

Author:  by bazooka

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/8251261

Summary:  Hoseok is a monster. Taehyung is a liar. They protect and punish each other in turn.

My Review: From one of my personal favorite BTS FF authors (sigh!!!) this story is FABULOUS space au—and I’m not a Vhope shipper—but this story is done to such perfection that I cannot help myself...ILY bazooka!!!  Read anything by this author if you love BTS...ngl!!!

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 09)   Title: Warehouse Kings

Ship: Yoonmin

Author:  by Rix

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/5556446

Summary:  If you can still feel the pain, you're just not getting hit hard enough.

My Review: Great story that gets a little violent in places—graphic depictions of violence isn’t a joke—so I caution you if you’re squeamish...other than this, the story is straight up Yoonmin slow burn set in a dystopian au so YES it’s dark but not horrible.

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 10)   Title: Side Dishes

Ship:  Yoonmin

Author:  by Elemir

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/4352867

Summary:  Yoongi is Korea's most famous actor. He's kissed so many pretty girls that he doesn't know what love is supposed to feel like anymore.  And then he meets rookie actor Park Jimin.

My Review: A story within a story—the plot concerns a seasoned and green actor, a director and screenwriter—who come together to bring an average story to life...there are deep, soul-searching feelings locked within these 21 pages so ensure you’re ready for it.  Being who you are, who you’re meant to be and accepting the people in your life who bring out the best in you—this is a very unassuming story that packs a big psychological punch in a brief timeframe...it’s beautiful and I loved it.

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 11)   Title: take it or leave it

Ship:  Sugmon | Yoonjoon

Author:  by syubnugget

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/6927154

Summary:  “Don’t look now, but it’s your archenemy, the Rap Monster.”  Yoongi groans. “Jesus Christ, Taehyung, that name is lame enough without you adding ‘archenemy’ before it.”  “But your rivalry is so epic, it needs words like ‘archenemy.'”  “No, it needs you to shut up.”  “What it needs is for you two to relieve some of that tension.” Taehyung waggles his brows. “Are you gonna fuck him?”  Wherein Namjoon is a smug bastard, Taehyung wants to bang a lifeguard, and Yoongi just wants to enjoy his vacation.

My Review: Best friends go on a cruise and fall in love—the dialog in this is fabulous and the characters stay true to life—great little story...don’t miss this one!

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 12)   Title: taste of your lips on me, i can't forget

Ship:  Taekook | Vkook

Author:  by locks

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/10430463

Summary:  "Want you to fuck me so hard that it's all I can feel when I'm on my knees, praying," Taehyung whispers into his ear as he yanks Jeongguk's boxers down over his thighs, fingers sliding around to wrap around his cock. "Fuck me full of your come, Guk."  Jeongguk sends a silent apology to the man upstairs because Jesus fucking Christ.

My Review: READ THE TAGS!!!  This is church sex—it’s LIT, NGFL!!!  Hot as Hell—felt the flames lickin at my heels as I was reading this one, JFC!!!  Seriously...READ THE FUCKIN TAGS!!!  If you’re week on confession material (JFC) this will push you over the allotted limit for this life (?) or damn close to the edge anyway...warning you now.  It’s an amazing read and honestly, my breakfast got cold because I couldn’t STOP reading long enough to eat—who the hell needs food when you have Jungkook balls deep in Taehyung on a Sunday morning inside a confessional booth with a full congregation in the next room...just sayin. Read this at your own spiritual decline!!!

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 13)   Title: The Good, The Bad, and The Bangtan

Ship:  Yoonmin

Author:  by Error401

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/5724484

Summary:   Jimin lifted his head up with an automatic smile when the door swished open, dust gusting inside from the strong winds common to the outpost. His eyes widened a little at the six angry-looking men who stomped inside, but didn’t let the smile slip from his face.  Travelers, obviously. Ones who weren’t having a good time. Well, it was to be expected on Mu 75.  “Good afternoon,” Jimin said, ducking his head in greeting and drawing their attention, and maybe some of their ire, to himself. “Can I help you with anything?” From their clothes and the advanced-looking tech of the weapons at their hips, Jimin was assuming they could pay. They had better.

My Review: This is a very veiled Yoonmin—you will need to squint and hold your tongue just so—but what I really liked about this story was Jimin’s strength...he’s conditioned not to trust anyone and yet he does.  This is truly a great story and I found myself wanting the author to actually ‘finish’ it instead of leaving me hanging...but then I always add alternate endings in my head as I’m reading...sooo, yeah it all worked out and things were perfect ;)

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 14)   Title: Untitled.mp3

Ship:  Yoonmin

Author:  by Elemir

Link:  http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/4593846.

Summary:  Jimin doesn't expect being suddenly evicted from his apartment right before his senior year of college. He also doesn't expect to move in with his quiet neighbor. And he's definitely not expecting that neighbor to be his newest music teacher, Professor Min Yoongi.

My Review: This is a good change of pace (from what I’m used to) and it serves Professor Yoongi to a point—even if he tries to hid his feelings from Jimin—and yes I said Prof Yoongi, Omg...my inner student is wanting to cause trouble ;)  

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 Well, that’s it for this month—I’ve been reading a metric f*ckton of Yoonmin lately so I’ll try to pace myself a little better next month...maybe diversify a little more but not promising anything! 

As always, let me know if you’ve fallen in love with a certain story—I’m more than willing to read BTS suggestions as long as they don’t involve the reader (personally hate these), I don’t like to muddy my BTS world with females or with anything EXO either...I just can’t, lol!

Other than that, if you have any suggestions, send me the link and I’ll check it out!!!

See you all next month!  

^___^  PJ