#also i was the first one to finish my microbio exam so let’s see how i did

[mysicklove]

i gave my hot microbio professor a christmas/thank you gift (it was a little mug with pathogens on it) and when i handed it to him he was like, “aw mello you didn’t have to do that. that’s very sweet of you.” in the softest tone and i was like BDGSYAGDYSHS SHUT UP BEFORE I TRY TO KISS YOU OG MY GOD

[anodetomy19yearoldself]

The two fundamental things I learned while riding the jeepney home

It was really never my intention. Although, is self-discovery an active process exclusively?

I was sad, like always, riding with my friend home after maybe bruising our feet from walking in South Galleria because I think I failed my microbio lec exam. But that doesn’t matter.

We talked about why we picked this program. Like always, it was not surprising. We generally end our discussion with saying that we just have to suck it up and finish this. Maybe a little rant and plans about shifting to another program. But we hesitate. “Naandito na, e,” would always be the main argument in staying in our demise.

Even though I already told Shanne the answer, but I’m not sure, she asked why I picked dentistry. But this time, my answer was raw. I really tried to know the answer. Not just some answer with fitting white lies surrounding it to make myself better.

You see, every time I try to say dentistry was never my fundamental option, I blamed my parents. I always say I liked science and it doesn’t really matter what I choose because this broad topic was always gonna be my interest. The truth is I really liked science. But there were aspects I didn’t like. Like earth science for example and physics and maybe dentistry. I can’t like them all, right? And this is my truth.

But this time, I started with saying that it was my mother’s suggestion, I guess. Because it was not a suggestion. It’s like a rhetoric that was never really meant. It was like a plan to be an astronaut. You don’t really like it but it sounds cool so you make yourself believe for minutes that you’re gonna go to the moon one day.

I was a child for most of my life. I knew I had agency. But I was also kinda dumb. That one sentence that they never really persuaded me into doing became my ultimate life goal. Sad, right? Also, I have no idea what I really want. Like zero. I think most children would want what their parents are but it’s not like I resented to handle a business. I just didn’t see myself having one.

Along the way, I developed this interest in science. And I knew I excelled in it compared to my other subjects. That was a big feat, right? At least, I’m one step closer into knowing what my daemon is.

Oh, science and dentistry is kinda the same. I mean, I basically convinced myself that my parents want this for me even though they didn’t. And I liked science. That’s what I’m gonna be for the rest of my life.

And I played along like a child throughout my life. It was oblivion. Ignorance. Naive. And I entered dentistry school.

At first, I went along with it. First year was easy except for that one time I cried I got an 89. I know it was high. I’m not one of those kids. It was just a big deal for me because I thought of it as a sign. I got an 89 on my first course/subject related to dentistry, while I’m here getting 100s in other courses. Maybe it was the universe just telling me I don’t belong here. I made a mistake and I should leave ASAP.

I should’ve left that moment.

Through many crises, advices that I was ashamed to ask but did it anyway because they’re my friends. It’s not like they my parents or whatever. And also pressure, anxiety, maybe depression but maybe just sadness, I just stood still. I made myself believe that this is normal. That all of us will go through this phase and it will make us dentists some day. So I stayed.

I didn’t left and now I’m in the jeepney.

It was relieving to say the truth once and for all. It was always in my head but I didn’t really found the words to understand what pain I’m in.

But this was all too dramatic. Life’s like this and whatever happens, I just need to suck it up. So I’m here, right? What do I do next?

And then it hit me.

What I really want is what I always wanted but didn’t see enough, or thought about enough, or was guided enough, or did research enough, or about anything enough because if I did, I wouldn’t be in this shithole.

All those moments when I cried because I watched videos about an epidemic, where I noticed I liked doing research even though I was the only one doing our thesis, the joy I feel knowing about the Nobel Prize, especially the peace prize, my fascination for women and Filipinos in science, my activism, the times I just wrote and wrote and wrote and it made me feel some type of way. It was all me.

And I just thought it was scrambled things that I liked but look at me, trying to cry and not really crying at the same time because maybe someone will see me typing in this Dell laptop in the palengke looking like a mess because finally, I know who I am now.

I want to be a research scientist.

So, my plan is this:

1. Finish dentistry school. I realized that I also want to be a doctor because I really like how our body is. And dentistry’s a really short way to be a totally legit doctor so lemme go finish this. I mean, I want this. I am genuinely interested. Dentistry was only suffocating for me because I didn’t see myself to be one and I just thought I’ll just suck it up and have a miserable life. But now that I know that it’s not the ultimate goal, but just a side, but totally authentic goal, it’s kinda less suffocating. Now, I can finally enjoy dentistry school and not be a total mess at times.

2. Pass the boards and be licensed. It’s not like I’m gonna be a total dentist dentist. But I don’t want to totally waste this degree. So it’s also a priority for me. I’m not also gonna work after getting my license. But maybe I will. But the prime concern here is really my third plan.

3. Get a research degree and go be a fucking research scientist. I’ll probably be 23 or 24 after I get my license (hoping that I don’t fail anything). And I’ll get the degree for IDK, maybe only 3 or 2.5 years because I will get credited units. And I don’t really know if it’s gonna be another undergrad degree, or a masteral’s degree or whatever. I’ll do my research soon. And again, this is my prime concern. So in choosing between work and school, I’ll choose this. And if I have the time, then I’ll work.

It’s like I literally have my whole 20s planned out now. And I’m just only nineteen. Let’s just hope I don’t end up alone. But is it my prime concern? No fucking way.

*

The second realization I got was not really a big deal. But it was something to make me feel a little bit better.

I’m a scholar and I have grants and funds and discounts and all those shit. But I don’t really enjoy it because it’s all going through my education.

And you might say, then what’s it for, dumbass?

It was kinda a last resort if I ever break down and not pursue education anymore. It was like a card that I can use so that I can say to people that I excelled in school but I just realized it’s not for me. And it was kinda like bragging rights? It was also to help my parents. And also help me not feel guilty for going through an expensive program that I kinda didn’t want. It’s also a big fuck you to my brother that I can also get one. I don’t know. It’s very complicated.

But one thing’s apparent: all of it was my effort but I feel like I’m being forced to have it. I mean, how can it be on my full disclosure but also feel like I’m being forced to do this?

What I just decided is to keep all my scholarship things in a savings account. But it’s not like it’s mine mine. My parents can have it, if they want. Or if the family needs it, then they can have it. But I doubt they’ll ever ask me money.

Now, I just have to find out how to tell them bitch better have my monies without offending them in anyway.

Maybe that’s another realization next time I ride the jeep.