#also i still find it gloriously hilarious how psychadelics arent just the love peace friendship and nature drug for laughs

[1-800-dnkichu]

i had a psilocybin journey back in march. at one point i looked out at the little back garden the facility has and i just looked out at the nature there and it brought me so much peace and joy and, outloud, i said "i love existing..."

this took me completely by surprise because i have been extremely suicidal since i was 7 years old. before that moment i dont think i had ever thought about life in that way. but there it was. my subconscious letting me in on a little secret. i love existing. living, thats different; living is hard and it will always be hard and i have come to accept that. but existing? having moments in nature like this? being surrounded by people that i love and that love me? finding something so pure and good in the world where there was always nothing more than deep sadness and anger at my situation?

ever since that day, anytime i start to feel depression creeping in to take over my life again, i try to take time to stop and think about nature, about the people i love, about how there can be hope even when im in the deepest pit of sadness ive ever been in before. and it helps. because omg. we're alive. this is happening. somehow, in all the universe, i am here and you are here and the trees are here and everyone we love is standing beside us and its beautiful. more beautiful than anything depression can try to darken.

trees are very 🥺 because sometimes i’ll stand under the shade of a tree and look up at it and it’ll sway its branches about in the wind and i’m like oh my God i’m alive and YOU’RE alive. we are alive together and made up of the same starry stuff and standing right next to each other in this moment on this earth. do u feel it when i reach out and press my hand to your trunk? can you hear me? i think you’re so neat. and then the sunlight filters through its leaves just so and that lovely green color leaves me dazzled. it’s just very nice to be an alive thing next to a different sort of alive thing