#also i officially dub my old blog as my tolkien blog now

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since i've cracked the dam of finally talking about my perhaps not-so-publicly-palatable tolkien pairings, well...

finwë/fëanor is indisputably the most excruciatingly and painfully dear to my heart. bonus points for au female fëanor where finwë names her as his heir regardless of gender—defying tradition, the valar, and indis altogether. (definitely not inspired by house of the dragon.) honestly, a bit of redemption for finwë's character, if you ask me.

do i even need to explain why this one is so imbalanced and painful in the published narrative? what can i say, canon fëanor loves daddy (for all the wrong reasons), and daddy is a bit selfish and self-centered, and satisfies his own interests regardless of who it hurts (or condemns to eternal death), but also, hypocritically, loves fëanor just as much as fëanor loves him.

how was i not supposed to latch onto that one? i love pain!

and who among sons, of Elves or of Men, have held their fathers of greater worth?

All his love he gave to his son; for Fëanáro was like his mother in voice and countenance, and Finwë was to him both father and mother, and there was a double bond of love upon their hearts.

on fëanor's banishment:

Thither also came Finwë the King, because of the love that he bore to Fëanor; [...] [...] but Finwë came not, nor any others of the Noldor of Formenos. For said Finwë: ‘While the ban lasts upon Fëanor my son, that he may not go to Tirion, I hold myself unkinged, and I will not meet my people.’

after learning of finwë's death:

Then with a cry he ran from the Ring of Doom and fled into the night, distraught; for his father was dearer to him than the Light of Valinor or the peerless works of his hands: and who among sons, of Elves or of Men, have held their fathers of greater worth? After him Maedros and his brethren went in haste, dismayed, for they had not known that he was present when Maedros spoke; and now they feared that he might slay himself.

celegorm/curufin is a persisting pairing interest i've had since even my early involvement in the silmarillion, because- well... they're quite codependent and scarcely (never?) are they mentioned separately in the published work. i recently wrote about them a bit here. also, bonus points for female curufin in the same au as female feanor (can use pronouns interchangeably throughout this whole post, because the ideas don't change based on genderswap au). the narrative of mirror-image-child should persist, regardless of au. in any case, celegorm/curufin stands the test of time, until they die together at menegroth. this is possibly the most self-explanatory pairing i've got. the book did the heavy lifting.

maedhros/fëanor: i've written about what i think the familial relationship of maedhros and feanor would be, and that still remains true. i like to insert this pairing as a semi-onesided, semi-unrequited dynamic alongside finwë/feanor. i don't think maedhros would approve of their relationship at all, because he recognizes finwë as the largest stressor in fëanor's life.

fëanor would acknowledge and sympathize with maedhros' feelings for him, and though he's loathe to ever withhold something that his sons want, he finds it imperative to do just that due to his own unhealthy experiences with finwë. fëanor is well aware that finwë and his actions are fëanor's main cause of discord and unhappiness, and yet can't help but find validation in finwë's attention anyway, which only grows the unhealthy, desperate attachment between them. and fëanor would never want to contribute in such a harmful dynamic with maedhros.

maedhros argues that it's different and that could never possibly happen to them, because their relationship was never built upon fear of abandonment and replacement, unlike fëanor's with finwë. maedhros always had the assurance of love and support in his upbringing—he argues that this transformed version of love for fëanor is born because of the stability and equality in their relationship, not the lack thereof.

to this, fëanor concedes, but not joyously. he regrets some aspects of their equality, because it led to maedhros' own discontent on fëanor's behalf. if anything, fëanor never wanted to pass down his struggles to his sons—he never wanted his hurt to be so palpable that his family would take on his personal burdens as their own—quite the opposite, he wanted them to never experience such upsets, not even vicariously.

but maedhros contends this, even, with his own free will and autonomy—there is nothing fëanor did to facilitate maedhros developing his own resentment of finwë. it was his own opinion established upon his perception in observing finwë's actions. after all, it is because of finwë that maedhros and his brothers will never meet their grandmother míriel.

to which fëanor concedes again, but says maedhros might have developed misguided feelings for him because of maedhros' strong sense of protection for his family, or because he sees himself as a better alternative to fëanor's predicament-

and maedhros finds this absolutely ridiculous and can't believe his astute father would even propose this argument, completely unlike his usual self-

but fëanor is simply desperate in his attempt to be unlike finwë, who pursued feanor despite knowing the damage he caused to fëanor's life, and how fëanor would never want to damage maedhros similarly-

and then it goes back and forth so on and so forth, and never seems to lead anywhere. is fëanor doing more harm than good in denying maedhros? or is he sparing maedhros from future hurt and regret, like he thinks?

which leads me, deviously, to...

celegorm/maedhros/curufin, because... well, curufin looks like daddy, doesn't he? and maedhros has a certain pining for fëanor that seems like it shall remain agonizingly unresolved, so celegorm and curufin invite him to find temporary relief in joining their trysts.

at first, maedhros has a lot of pride over this invitation, and is spiteful about his feelings being so cleverly dissected by his brothers, which he previously thought to be rather well-kept and hidden.

a lot of forced, contrived insults on maedhros' part, while donning a facade of a disgusted disapproval at celegorm and curufin's relationship. celegorm gets whiplash at this, not expecting maedhros to have such a cold and judgmental character. a rejection, he had anticipated—but a hypercritical confrontation, he had not. he had never suspected maedhros to be of such nature, especially not in being so close to their father.

celegorm is usually quick to anger and even quicker to retaliate, but this time, all he feels is disappointed detachment. defending himself from maedhros, he deems to not even be worth his time.

curufin, however, feels a deep and stark sense of betrayal at maedhros' ruthless criticism and judgement, and is poised to argue and fill in the retaliatory response that celegorm leaves lacking. ultimately, celegorm is the one having to drag curufin away from the fight, reminding his brother that they don't owe an explanation to anyone, and this argument is not worth the energy spent.

and, after all that, maedhros is only left feeling regret. that argument held no conviction, and those weren't his true beliefs. if they had been his beliefs, he would be nothing but the truest form of hypocrite. he had acted superior out of his own insecurity, and says as much to celegorm and curufin, explaining his foolish behavior and asking their forgiveness.

celegorm forgives him well enough that night, stroking maedhros' wild russet curls—maedhros sleeping peacefully with both arms tight around curufin's waist, curufin's head tucked beneath maedhros' chin, while celegorm presses himself to maedhros' back.

as for the other feanorians...

i used to be extremely fond of maedhros/maglor. but, if i'm completely honest, i'm not as passionate for it these days. regardless, i did write a maedhros/maglor fic, and used to write about them quite regularly. i still like it, i'm just not as enthused about it anymore. i honestly couldn't say why. i guess i find maglor too much of a peacekeeper character, which doesn't attract me as much as it used to. i like the fiery spirits. the spirits of fire. the fëanors, one could say. but the coupling of maedhros and maglor within the silmarillion narrative is so frequent it does almost rival that of celegorm and curufin. so it's still an interesting topic to ponder.

...not me now envisioning maedhros/maglor as a stable, supportive, and yet very access-convenient based relationship during their duration together in himring, and then, later, in-walks celegorm and curufin, post-beren and lúthien saga. and maedhros immediately has a guilt-ridden draw to seek out reigniting his time with celegorm and curufin, only to be quietly elated at discovering that there's discontent between the two, meaning he can seek personal time with curufin without celegorm's involvement.

what can i say, i love a bit of an angsty love triangle- or, uhhh, square? pentagon? hexagon? love hexagon? because finwë/fëanor, but also unrequited fëanor/maedhros, which becomes celegorm/maedhros/curufin, but there's already well-established celegorm/curufin, and, later, there's maedhros/maglor, but maedhros really wants that maedhros/curufin, but celegorm also kinda liked the celegorm/maedhros/curufin thing, and maybe if maedhros/curufin happens in himring, there can be a revenge!celegorm/maglor. oho!

couldn't everybody just get along and share? well, yes. but also, no. because that's happy and not painful. and, as we established at the very beginning by my favorite pairing being finwë/fëanor: i like pain. i like conflict.

which brings me to my newest pairing of interest:

turgon/aredhel. which i just extensively wrote about. question no further.

and to think, when i was first discovering my footing with the silmarillion—a lore-lacking, unread whelp—i entertained normie braindead ships like maedhros/fingon and morgoth/sauron.

now i'm enlightened brain meme with my unforgivable amount of fëanorian incest ships.

my apologies to caranthir and amrod and amras, the fëanorians i just...do not care as much about. sorry. not really a surprise, given the text doesn't seem to care about them that much either. and while i do like the fëanorian OT8 thing, i just like the interpersonal 1:1 dynamics that cause emotional pain way more. guess i'm smooth-brained for that one.

however... a musing i have for caranthir that is without ships, is that he is the closest among the siblings to finwë (perhaps even in resemblance, too.) i had a thought that maybe cracks began to show in fëanor's marriage around the time when caranthir was young, and so fëanor would seek more counsel and support from finwë, often times bringing young caranthir with him. this would be an unusual deviation from how the rest of the children were raised.

this idea heavily furthered in the female fëanor au, where she is possibly already pregnant with curufin at this time, and needs even more support due to being pregnant. cue my degenerate 'finwë as a stand-in husband for fëanor and dad for young caranthir' thoughts.

i don't imagine any of the siblings to have outright resentment for finwë like maedhros does, but i don't envision any of them being particularly close to him, or even having a standard grandfather/grandchild bond with him. more so a distant and respectful relationship. kind of a "i see you a few times a year for birthdays and celebrations, and i call you 'my king/my lord' and not 'grandfather'."

caranthir, however, does call him 'grandfather' and even 'grandad' (what are the quenyan equivalencies there). while in the closer proximity of formenos, this might cause a little conflict. what with finwë getting a happy reunion with fëanor and caranthir, and maedhros having to witness it and bear the distaste.