#also i may have just exposed myself as a cat person who doesn't really like dogs

[dearmrsawyer]

i posted the xmas cards at the start of the week so hopefully that means they reach everyone before xmas actually happens <3

only 3 weeks left til holidays, but all the classes are done at work so i will be able to use them to putt around with my own things and not do anything that requires me to actually use my brain, which no longer works lol. i had my performance review a few days ago and basically exposed myself for doing a bad job all year ! i told my supervisor i've spent a significant amount of this year fixing my own mistakes, which is true, but tbh it was the best i could do given everything. she knows i've had a hard year, although she doesn't know everything that's been going on, she always says i'm a very private person which i didn't really consider myself to be, but actually i think i am, i don't talk about my Stuff with people at work largely because i don't want to commit my time to it, and also when i do talk to people i always walk away wanting to crawl out of my own skin, like i always feel like however i expressed myself didn't accurately represent how i'm feeling, and so i've just given someone an impression that doesn't match how i really feel, and that makes me feel 600x worse. Anyways i said that it would be good if i had some back up in the library because as the only person there it can't function without me, and i would've taken more time off this year if i felt like i could. i was planning to say that when we had our next budget discussion but she gave me an opening so i'm glad i said it when i had the chance, because i may well have chickened out later on.

i really miss sawyer. i thought that when i made it to the other side of all the very difficult things that had happened in the last year, when i could return to something resembling normal and i had agency over my own time and space, that i would get to do that with her. she was part of what i was looking forward to. after everything these last twelve months, to have to cap it off with losing her, she was only just fourteen. i find it really hard to fall asleep without her, i don't turn out the lights until i can barely keep my eyes open, if i'm lying there in the dark i always start to cry. i mean i still do that a lot at other times, especially in the car for some reason, but its harder to come back from when its night. i hate being here without her to be honest.

a couple of weeks ago mum and i drove up to donate sawyer's leftover medication to the animal welfare league, i know insulin is sometimes one of those things that can have supply issues and when we called around they said they had a diabetic cat in their care and would be happy to take it. afterwards mum said that she thought there was a good chance we would come back home with a new cat, like if they had their adoptable pets on show in the foyer lol. they didn't but i don't want to get another cat anytime soon. no other cat will ever be exactly who she was, she was perfect in every way, the exact right measure of everything to me, i don't want to measure some other cat against her. i will get another cat sometime but i don't want to just redirect the love i have for sawyer onto some other cat. what i feel belongs to her.

I spend a lot of time looking through photos and videos of her, almost everyday. Sometimes it makes me feel unbearably upset but sometimes i feel like it calms me, like things are okay when i'm looking at her. i really love this video of her watching niall's livestream a couple of years ago. she was sitting next to me with her front half resting on my leg, which used to be her default position. she never really watched screens but she was mesmerised by him lol

[boom-fanfic-a-latta]

ok something I will warn about revelation though (since it is the most mediocre episode in the season as far as I've watched. Again, this season's full of banger episodes, this is just like the one exception and I'm sad it's like I think important-):

Istg why didn't they properly address the fact that Alya knows that Marinette is Ladybug and Lila claimed to be best friends with Ladybug. Like. Alya you know that Marinette/actually Ladybug despises Lila. You know that. You know her. YOU'RE her best friend. Like i know as a teenager myself we aren't always the sharpest tools in the shed but I feel like this is a bit too obvious for her to not even acknowledge. Or for Marinette to not even bring up. Like why isn't Mari pointing that out either.

Also I just wish she'd like. Just tell people about how Lila literally threatened her. Like just tell Alya about that come on girl tell her what Lila said-

(Ok with the latter one I'm guessing since Marinette is like. Very anxious and stuff she might just be too paranoid about the possibility of Alya thinking that SHE'S lying about it [even if that's probably not what would happen I know from experience that paranoia doesn't exactly stem from intelligence and rationale-] to say anything about it. Like especially back in Season 3 where Alya didn't yet know that she's Ladybug. and by the time Season 4 Gang of Secrets happens Lila hasn't really been doing much so she probably wasn't at the forefront of Mari's mind. And then going into Season 5 it's probably just been so long that she'd think Alya would doubt her 'cus "if it happened that long ago then why didn't you tell me sooner?/why are you only telling me this now?" And- again I don't think Alya would assume she's a lying bxtch or anything, she'd probably assume it was an akuma pretending to be Lila first or that Lila had already been akumatized or something, but. Yeah, again, paranoia and stuff-)

Though thinking back on it I kinda like how Hoaxer as an akuma is like. basically the show version of the dumb way some salt fics act like Lila could just say literally anything and no matter how stupid people would believe it without question. So that's literally what Hoaxer's power is. Including that one thing I saw pop up a few times in fanfics where she lies about Marinette being Hawk Moth/Shadow Moth/Monarch. Like she literally does that exact lie and the only reason people believe it is because her powers are literally mind control stuff. So yeah that was clever I liked that-

(Tbh a lot of stuff about that episode felt like it was basically just. Looking at salt fics and saying "this is what would actually happen in the show with these scenarios" and as someone who generally dislikes salt fics that's kinda. Idk, cathartic? I'm just sad at the lack of Alya realizing Lila is a piece of shxt who threatened her best friend but then again I feel like if that happened then Alya probably would've been the one to get akumatized and that would've been a game over I think considering she knows who Ladybug is XD would be cool if they did like a cat blanc or ephemeral kind of episode on that concept though, maybe give Marinette a little more trauma making her think that if she ever exposes Lila then that'll lead to the end of the world and she'll just have to live thinking this and-

I like subjecting my blorbos to the horrors I'm sorry-)

Tbh I think a lot of my opinions on the episode may just be tainted by the fact that seeing lying in fiction upsets me when I don't know for sure the liar is gonna be outed by the end. Which isn't a fault with the episode it's just a personal thing. So idk if I'm judging the episode right or not it may be better than I had thought especially looking back on it like this and just thinking about the aspects I did like-

though again I also just. Hate like everything they've done with Chloe and that includes this episode and Lila's campaign in it-

the stuff that happened toward the end of the episode with Marinette resigning as class rep seemingly with the idea that Lila having that position will lead to her exposing herself (?) has me hooked tho-

also just. All the stuff with Nathalie-

man you have a lot of thoughts

[askabound]

I wrote to someone else that they had Golden Retriever Vibes but I think you have Husky vibes. Looks cold and intimidating on the outside but then you approach them and they're cuddly and sweet and warm. That's your vibes!

do i pass the vibe check?

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon and ah, its just me than. Links on tumblr break half the time for me sorry bout that!

1: Mostly how it looks in the actual episode but with some changes. Its gaint, even has multiple floors, most rooms have a glass dome roof with iron railings (3-4) lining the bottom of the glass. The hallway typically have windows leading up to the roof, but the roof and both floor are a mix of materials like iron, copper, wood, and even gold. The most complex room is the Council room, which has a a higher roof than the rest, with mostly wood railings that go all the way up and lead to a circle at the top. The Council is the group that leads Mizu, they have 1 leader of every Idol to represent the different opinions of the citizens, with 1 special member that doesnt belong to any Idol, and is instead used to represent the opinions of people who either haven't chosen a idol yet, got kicked out of a idol following, and just to give a unbiased opinion most of the time. They do make most decisions, mostly those relating to topics like construction, farming, money distribution, where people can live, etc. And they also mostly agree on most subjects and don't agure, but they do have massive disagreements on topics and problems like Representation in other Cities/Kingdoms, trading, visitors and immigrants, and sometimes supply missions. 

3: Situations like taking care of his siblings (I have decided Benjamin shall have siblings) and friends, and he was also put under extreme stress as a kid in school and family life, but unlike Ranbob, he managed to successfully communicate his struggle and find coping mechanisms. Also when he went off to live by himself for a bit, he was under sudden extreme situations where he had to make split second decision. So he just learned from everything thats happened to him over time. 

8: Levi exists purely to make Watson and others go insane. People claimed it was made up because they claimed most events as unrealistic (like Doomsday, Techno escaping a death trial, Pandoras Vault (they believed it impossible for something to be inescapable)). Plus the fact it seemed cruel such young people where faced with such trauma that no sane person would let it happen, and the fact most historical important items couldn't be found, people claiming that they where made up (also cause if the land was that exposed to such devastation, it would've collapsed on itself). No to both of those, by this point their to far away from Dream for him to have a direct meaningful affect on the group, and while the residents of Kelalen know it was Dreams sword, the group does not know. Nope! Mizu came about years after Kelalen was forgotten about and shamed. And Mizu was only made because of the growing number of believers in the SMP history was causing disruptions in both the political sense and educational sense, so it was made to separate the "outcasts". Though Mizu eventually grew as big as most cities, and greatly civilized and advanced, though they where still often "forgotten" about and basically seperate from the Kingdom that set them up and became their own place (though not officially). 

They do have a friendship! Its not super close but their definitely friends. Ranbob is definitely a worrier, he heard that two of his friends almost died he immediately goes to them and fuses over them. And when their recovering he doesnt leave their side, infact Benjamin has to drag him away from the two just to get him to eat. And he refuses to sleep unless he's like directly on top of them. Yeah, Cletus challenges Grievous to a parkour challenge over a Delta Basalt, and he happily accepts. They end up giving everyone a heart attack after Cletus slips and almost falls onto a magma block. Jackie plays in soul sand and dumps a handful down Rans shirt, Watson teaches Charles and Isaac how to make gold from gold nuggets and more Piglin culture. When Cletus is cleared to be ok and Jackie stops getting soul sand in areas he didn't even know existed. They all sit in a circle and decide what they should try first, with Ran and Watson watching carefully and preventing them from drinking anything that they recognized as harmful. But other than that they just let the others do whatever. 

10: Because he couldn't use it, when Dream was a full human he used to be able to access his powers at his own will. But after his spirit got linked to his mask his power greatly reduced. To the point he relies on others for his powers, more specifically, he needs them to be exposed to him for a certain amount of time (like 2 weeks) until he can use their own essence/spirit to help his powers. When the group of people came after Ranbob left, they stayed for a long time, especially after they took the mask with them. Dream got the power back. Cause it is a "I worked to hard to give this up." Type situation. Ranbob was his first victim and the first person he had control over in decades, he considers Ranbob the puppet he was meant to have and refuses to let him go. Everyone is the nat to him, but specifically Ran. Cause Ran was the only person who survived the murders, so Dream sees him as a kill that was taken from him that he needs to fix. Everyone else to him is nothing more than an annoyance, and he's more than happy to use them as nothing more than a stepping stone to kill once he's done with them. 

13: Ran is stronger than everyone else, Jackie is faster than everyone else, and Watson is more acrobatic than everyone else. Sorry can you reword "Is Jackie considered stronger than them aside from shared tactics, or is it the other way around?"? I dont completely understand sorry. Kind of, I'll say. There can only be 3 ranking members, but it can also be 2 Corporals and 1 Sergeant. 

14: They where caught off guard, but also knew something must be going on due to the fishermen staying closer to Ranbob than normal. He never got too far, as he isnt very fast and Charles and both Isaac tend to be fast enough to get him. If the episode is really bad bringing him back can lead into physical fights but it rarely gets into that, as it seems like Ranbob really doesn't want to fight them most of the time, and holds himself back.

Well, I hope it’s working for you now, cause that sounds less than ideal, honestly.

1: Well, Mizu sounds gorgeous, quite frankly. As for the council having a member of no idol, what about that? People can get kicked out from an idol group? Why? Do some just never choose an idol? Also, how’s the housing situation there? Are there like, apartments on one of the floors, or something? Why does the council not really agree on outside affairs?

3: Not gonna lie, I’m rather curious. What kind of life did Benjamin lead to be under such heavy stress? Does he relate to Ranbob because of this? And what was he doing when he lived on his own to need to make fast-paced decisions? Also, siblings! What’re his siblings like?

8: He sounds like it.

And hm. There are several things I’ve taken from this. 

Do totems no longer exist, if they don’t believe Techno could have survived, or did that particular piece of the story just get left out over time?

Has Pandora’s vault fallen? And why would people find it unbelievable? If it’s the future, shouldn’t they have even more advanced technology than that? Or is it simply the lack of evidence that leads them to disagreeing about it’s existence? 

They don’t believe people would have been so cruel to the younger ones? Oof, um. Well, at least that says something about the future, I guess. 

Mizu sounds like it has an interesting history in it’s self. How do Ran and Ranbob feel about being in a world that basically shunned the people of what would eventually become their home? Do they ever have issues when people find out they originate from Mizu, or worship an idol? From how you put it, it seems like that wasn’t really looked upon well, since they shunted the people who did it to Mizu.

Friendships for the win! Maybe not close, but it sounds like an interesting dynamic. Charles honestly seems pretty mild, and as you said, shy, so putting him with Mr.Random And Chaotic certainly sounds like something. How did these two become friends?

And honestly, it sounds like everyone had a lot of unique experiences in the Nether. It also sounds like Ran and Ranbob were probably an inch from a heart-attack the entire time, considering the shenanigans ongoing. It sounds kind of cute that Ranbob was only sleeping when he was close to them though, and it gives me the image of a giant fluffy cat, so win-win there.

10: Interesting. Was Ranbob not enough to fully return that power to him when the Fishermen first came and took him? Or did Dream just not think they’d get that far and not react in time, when he still had that power from his puppet?

And, uh, wow. Dream was certainly off his rocker before, but that’s definitely cemented now. Is anyone aware he thinks of Ranbob in such a way? Does Ranbob know? How are everyone’s feelings on that-besides y’know, ‘gonna murder Mr.Mask Man’. How does everyone feel about being considered as ‘nats’?

13: Huh. And yeah, I confused myself rereading that. Basically, is Jackie considered stronger than those two? You said they were mostly on par, because of the shared tactics, so when it comes to cutting those shared tactics out of the picture, does Jackie come out on top?

14: So the gang could tell? If I may ask, what were the tells that gave Ranbob away?

[nosleeppotions]

"If the box starts dripping I don't ask, I walk faster because I know I don't wanna know."

Mick the Mailman, a Neutral Entity and very much a fan of cats.

Mick doesn't look the same to every person, which isn't an ability that he uses on purpose though it's always active and he's aware of it. Upon asking about his true appearance he tends to say things along the line of "now that would be telling, friend."

Mick or Jake (he introduces himself on either depending who may be in earshot or depending what he wants to get done though most nowadays only know him as Mick) is generally a pleasant person however he has a short temper and doesn't take nonsense even from the highest ranking of beings.

Most leave him be in peace though those who dare harm him tend to experience karma rather quickly. (Another thing Mick seems to be unaware of).

...

The story behind Mick is not unusual for a Forest Freak, especially not with the newer generations.

Most are recruited at a young age or de-aged once brought in, though very rarely do they take young infants. Mick or Jake (his birth name is Jake) is one of only a handful that the unknown third doctor had chosen, and he was chosen mere minutes after birth. Jake has an identical twin, who at the time was named Mick, so Fae had taken Jake and the doctor told the parents there was an unforseen complication and that Jake had died.

Jake had been raised and educated as necessary, and when the twins were 6 years old Fae had swapped Jake and the real Mick. Jake replaced Mick and kept in contact with Fae, keeping an eye on things in that area.

Meanwhile the real Mick would become Rune the Messenger. (Though a close friend of his calls him Mickey.) And would be made physically older than his twin brother by Boss to do jobs a young mind would not fully comprehend (Fae hates this very much). Rune is a sweet being and grows attached easily when not out in the field... but when working, those not in the know would think his work could only be the result by an unfeeling monster. I myself had seen his work and admit I had been disturbed, but Rune truly can not seem to comprehend what he did and holds little memory of it after the fact.

Jake or now Mick meanwhile would end up in an unstable household (somewhat to blame on the lie told years ago but not completely there were many other factors, like the fact that their father eventually cheated on their mother). Eventually his parents divorced and he lived with his mother from there, they had moved to a different city and several adjustments had to be made to the plans had for Mick. Fae would still keep in contact of course and eventually when Mick became a teenager he would get him into contact with his brother Rune (behind Boss' back of course).

Talking to his brother had exposed him to the violent reality Fae had actually hoped to shield him from just a little bit longer but had also helped disillusion Mick with what was likely to be his future.

All recruited children DO know they are to become monsters and tools to be used, but very rarely do they understand what that means before it happens. Fae allowed Mick to understand and further allowed Mick to not want that future. Though seeing as he didn't have many options, Mick still proceeded with his work for Boss, but also did part time work as a Night Guard... then came jobs where he had to deliver things between various entities and it just seemed to click what he wanted to do from there.

Upon reaching adulthood he didn't join the group that had basically raised him but established himself as a Neutral... Fae had received punishment but Mick was spared as he was placed under the protection of another Neutral Entity (only until he could handle himself obviously, that protection is no longer valid present day).

We don't really know what happened to Mick and Rune's mother and the stories vary but we do know when the twins united for the first time in years, they had tracked down and executed their disloyal father.

Rune still works for Boss and is loyal as all Forest Freaks are

Fae is still Boss' main Recruiter and seems loyal still from what I had seen.

Mick is now a highly respected individual in the unnatural community.

- Unknown Archivist

[iamayellowbird]

I took this video on December 5th. December 5th marks one year since last contact. The last time I had contact with a person who for a long time, was associated with deer in my mind from the first time we met, now 4 years ago. One year of healing. I didn't start therapy until may of 2021, to work on disassembling the patterns I had built in the first 25 years of my life to lead me into 3 years of being exposed to an acute emotional, manipulative spiral of abuse, to gaslighting, lying, cheating, love-bombing, holding back/barely leaning in, but mostly just deceit and being taken advantage of. I've been really low this week energy-wise and just overall reclusive and aside from work, unable to really engage in any meaningful way with people. I was starting to get scared, that I was slipping, and then I remembered December 5th. Last winter was extremely difficult for me, feeling isolated, and overall struggling with building psychological safety for myself. Precarious acts and risk taking as a way of filling numbness. I've learned a lot about myself in this last year, my 29th year of life. I've learned a lot about good friends. I knew to "believe people when they show you who they are" but I didn't know how to. Now it seems that I know. I don't give my time freely to people that don't add value. It's not all about addition, but reciprocity. This is a reminder to you, and to me not to accept anything less than reciprocity. Watching this buck leisurely walk through my peaceful space repeatedly as it pleases (I've seen them every morning this week) reminds me that I can cultivate peace and welcome. I still feel chaotic at times, distrustful of certain behaviors and actions in myself and others, but in the last 6 months I've cultivated the skill of discernment. I've learned more about nuance and intent. I've also learned that sometimes, abusive behaviour becomes obscured by another's desire to be kind, supportive, someone's savior, rock and anchor. We get used to justifying someone's behaviour as a mechanism of their trauma. This actually doesn't make it okay for them to treat you like shit, and it doesn't make you a good person for tolerating it. No one is benefitted in this arrangement. No one is growing. In fact, you're shrinking and the other person really, is shrinking too because you're letting it fly...in some way.

Stepping out of this dynamic means loss–loss of what may be familiar, expected, people-by-extension. Loss of what you thought the future might hold, based on lies you were fed. Promises, empty as the Yukon winter night is long. There's no excusing mistreatment. We can look at intent all day long, and I think we should. Intent is a finicky thing. Someone may do one thing while meaning to do another and sometimes the result is benign. But when a person tells you over and over that they are enlightened, open, kind, independent, loving, not playing, and continues to act in the contrary, it is not benign and we can't write it off as unintentional. Continuing to lie, cheat, mislead, abuse, and take advantage of another is not unintentional. If there's a wish I have entering 2022 and thus my 30th year of living, is to never lose sight of the fact that people WILL show you who they are, sometimes you just have to peer over those rose tinted glasses to see the colour of the flag. When in doubt, doubt. A person who is not ill-intentioned will not get angry about your momentary discernment as long as it is momentary and rooted in observable facts and your interpretations and perceptions and not based on something you may have heard from someone at some point.

If something doesn't sit right, I pray that I will have the guts to be curious about it.

Curiosity didn't kill the cat, misjudgement did.