#also i love nbc constantine but i am CURSED to have every vulnerable moment in a weird shade of green or blue rip

[talentforlying]

Mulder's just gonna... bring John into his arms and hold him. Not tightly so Constantine can break free if he wants. But he's just going to rest his head on his shoulder. Going to nestle into him ever so slightly. Maybe even rubbing his back a little. No particular reason.

this isn't what he came here for. he doesn't know what he came here for.

not for frank fucking affection, though, which grinds in him like nails on chalkboard, which puts his hackles up waiting to be pitied or coddled or tended to like some shell-shocked soldier come back from war, who no one knows how to talk to anymore unless it's in whispers behind their hands. mulder knows that. why the fuck would he start this.

but it's happening, and once it's happening he doesn't really know how to get it to stop. standing stock-still like he is right now doesn't do a lick of fucking good, because mulder's the most persistent bloody person he knows and they've long since established between the two of them that if it's not an outright no then it's a maybe. shoving would get him that look of understanding that makes him feel like his insides are out and everybody's just fine with that for some perverse, observer effect reason that's fucking beyond him. some variation on "okay, john" that makes him feel fuck-awful for letting things go so far and then trying to reel it all back. whatever reservations he has about this, he wants that less.

at a speed with which mountains move, over eons and ages, his hands come up — faltering, tingling from palm to fingertip like he's anemic from lack of touch — to light on mulder's hips. then flatten there. then slide around his back and tighten, and tighten, until he's holding, too, an unsteady breath lost to the fabric of mulder's shirt as he presses his face into the shoulder and squeezes his eyes shut tight, pretending it's not him giving in. pretending he's not this weak. pretending it doesn't feel GOOD.

' don't say a fucking word after this. ' it's not a convincing warning, muffled as it is, but he doesn't try to make it better. he just holds, and is held. quiet, quiet respite.

@spookyagentfmulder