#also i know that friendships don't stop when college stops its just the fear talking

[wormsdyke]

if i drop out of college i may lose the opportunity to make friends with other people in similar age and interest groups VS i'm already not making friends in college so it's not like i'm missing out on much. FIGHT

[baldwinboy5ive]

I've been talking to several different folks about how nervous I am about where they're going to go with Hawk and Demetri at the end of the season... I eventually decided I might as well jot some of it down here to see if my feelings change when I see how it all ultimately plays out at the very end.

First, I have already gone ON AND ON at length about this with some friends and don't think this part needs to be expanded on here, but - I find it kind of astonishing that the writing for their fight right now is actually realistic. I think it's pretty good writing and I am actually really okay with it, and it MAKES SENSE to me.

That's... kind of the problem, haha. It makes sense. And it's realistic.

It's realistic for best friends - even REALLY REALLY CLOSE best friends - to go to different colleges and/or drift apart because of college.

But this is TV Land and I don't want that particular variety of realistic for these particular two characters. I just don't. I think I just want them to be together forever.

They could even write that and have it be kind of bittersweet and still be a happy ending where they stay friends or whatever but I'm not sure if I want that.

Honestly if I wanted to see a beautiful portrayal of a somewhat realistic in theme, if not in actual events, separation of friends because of high school graduation, and the melancholy acceptance of that separation knowing that your friendship will NEVER be the same after this no matter how much you wish it could be because people change so much in college, then goddammit I'd watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off, not Cobra Kai!!! Look, just let me have my stupid happy ending in Cobra Kai, because Ferris Bueller already did that perfectly and I don't want to see it in this hahaahahah I just want them to be unrealistically together forever and ever hahaha. Okay?!

See, Ferris Bueller was unrealistic in its wacky hijinks-ness... but it was PAINFULLY realistic in its presentation of the fears of individuality and growing up and growing apart from your friends and the inevitable big changes that happen in people's lives as they grow from childhood to adulthood...

Yeah, I'm just not sure I want that for them haha, I just want them together forever.

I have to credit @blinkasaurus though for GIVING me the Secret Third Option: by telling me that, because MIT and Harvard are not only affiliated but also incredibly physically close to each other, students at one can actually take certain classes at the other. I had no idea. I found out they're literally like two miles from each other. That's like, a brisk walk, or a short motorcycle ride, or, as she also pointed out to me, TWO SUBWAY STOPS.

I think that Demetri, being a west coast kid AND on top of that being so focused on only one dream school for his life, could easily just not know about these schools being so physically close. I mean, I knew they were in the same general area but not THAT close. And certainly not that thing about taking classes at the other.

So, hey, if this is how it works out, then it could really work for Eli because I think it's not the school, i think it's the fact that they both have changed so much since they made their "we're going to both go to MIT together" pact that he isn't sure he's that same person anymore and he has to figure out his individuality and how to be on his own. Maybe this way, he gets to strike it on his own, while still going to A Smart Person School (as @demetriandelibinaryboyfriends puts it hahah), possibly even The Smart Person School.

Demetri is dismayed to find out they’ll be going to different schools… but then not really! They’d literally be so close they could even just room with each other after their first year in the dorms or something. Which is exactly something I wrote about before this season aired.

I do kind of feel like it IS so different over there. Things are just so spread out in CA. I could absolutely see two friends going to, say, UCLA and USC and not being able to see each other frequently. But this would be different. They really could still be together.

It would practically still feel like them getting to go to the same school, with neither of them feeling abandoned by the other, while still feeling like they got to do what they wanted to do.

I don't know if I can cope with this being them.

This whole day was many things, about which many, many folks have written far better than I could, but one of them was the looming, impending knowledge that Ferris would eventually have to accept, that things were going to change. And maybe not for the better, because who knows? But that would be for another day.

I'm just not sure I really want or need Eli and Demetri to have to go through that!

[transpat]

pre-relationship pranpat and haq

the word 'haq (हक़)' in hindi doesn't have an exact eng counterpart and translates smth around the meanings of rights and entitlement. in context of relationships, we use it to describe the entitlement ppl we keep close are allowed over us. in our culture, with every bond we form and built, we owe those ppl certain rights over us. like our filial duty to our parents, supporting our siblings and relatives emotionally and/or financially, the loyalty to our friends. lovers and spouses are ppl given all the rights of a family member by choice and obv other stuff like touching u in ways others can't, sharing worries and secrets you wouldn't indulge others w, the permission to carry and lighten ur burdens.

that's why i wanted to talk about pran and pat before they began dating, when they didn't even consider each other friends. theoretically, these two don't owe each other shit, shouldn't be assuming any rights over each other. but pat continues to push into pran's room even when he's verbally told not to, and pran who bottles his feelings up from everyone else, wears his heart on his sleeve (literally) around pat. pran gives pat a glimpse into his every emotion, and pat catches them, stores it away to process later, when he uses it to channel the courage to knock on pran's door.

also. all of this starts in college. after they reach a truce and add each other's numbers. it's not there back when they were shy high schoolers, fighting in public and treading along the delicate beginnings of a friendship. back then, before their meager advances culminated into smth fruitful, it was snatched from them, ripped from their unsuspecting hands. it didn't turn their efforts null thou, doesn't return them to point zero. when they met again, they faltered and stumbled, but they make their way back to how things could have been back then. they found their way back to the path they were paving as kids.

their sense of entitlement isn't just smth they assume either. it's the haq they've willingly granted to the other. we see pran pushing pat out of his room repeatedly, but pat only walks in bc he knows if he was really unwelcome pran wouldn't open the door in the first place. bc like how pran never pushed him out of the room in his parents' house, pat is certain that once pran's fear of being discovered lessens (he doesn't know his interpretation is all wrong, that it was bc pran was in love w him and afraid for himself), he'll be welcome to stay as long as he wants. when he asks pran if he can stay the night, its bc he knows the answer might not be no. pran has a soft spot for him.

likewise, pran lashing out at him is bc he knows that unlike how it is w others, revealing his emotions to pat won't come at a price he can't afford. when he's under all the pressure of rebuilding the bus stop and saving his friends' academics careers, he smiles for his friends, assures them he's fine, he can manage. its only around pat he displays how deeply he's affected by this, lets pat see how he let him down, how much stress he's in bc of this. bc he knows pat listens, pat understands, pat wants to listen and understand. pat makes breathing easier.

in the beginning its just that. pran says they're not friends, but subconsciously hands pat every right of one. the teasing banter, the rude nicknames, the knowledge that he too wants to compete w pat in the freshy contest as badly as pat wants it. he helps him by texting his location religiously, and then when pat's friends screw up, he lets pat help him w the bus stop. here's where things get begin to get convoluted, where the lines begin to blur. letting pat sniff him, letting pat pull his head under his shirt, letting pat massage medicine onto his shoulder, cleaning pat's face for him, allowing pat to pet his head, asking him if he had dinner, asking him about his crush. obv like. none of these things r very platonic, and pran allowing these to occur isn't w platonic intentions either.

and that's bound to happen. ofc it will when pat's in love and only hasn't worked it out yet and pran's been harboring suppressed desires for years. in some ways, it's always been there, it was always hurtling towards this. the level of comfort they share w each other, how little reservation they hold towards touching the other, its as if they haven't been raised as enemies, but have grown into the only ppl who know each other so intimately.

i'm talking about these:

pran doesn't even flinch when pat's hand touches his thigh, and you could argue that's ohmnanon, but honestly it's v in character for them. pat puts his hand over pran's mouth, places it high up his thigh: pran allows it. pran tickles him, pins down on the bed: pat allows it. pran tackles him unnecessarily long during rugby matches, hauls him into hidden corridors? pat giggles about it. pat asks pran to feed him drinks, to let him stay the night? pran pretends its a hassle and readily indulges him.

pran understands what's happening. he watches it all unfold, how pat's entitlement over him grows, mushrooms, into pat constantly making boyfriend jokes, pat pushing his limits w pran in public, pat expressing his displeasure over having to pretend to be enemies, pat walking into pran's faculty w pran's shirt on. and pran lets it happen. he complains and groans about pat in his room but lets him stay, lets him have his breakfast, lets his nosy ass unlock his desktop. he draws the line at first, but always, always ends up letting pat cross it. like how at the music store he scoffs off pat's attempt to ask him about his relationship status, but in the privacy of his own room, discloses his mother and wai's dynamics when questioned, even though he finds it strange for pat to care (he misreads pat here, thinks its out of pat's desire for friendship that he wants to know more about pran, so he's happy to share).

i came to talk about this bc i was (again) rewatching bbs and now that its completed, the fight scene in ep5 hits a different way (again). pran shuts wai out (refusing to divulge the secrets of his and pat's dynamics, a direct contrast to how he freely talks about wai to pat) and sends him home, then turns and looks at pat like this:

he stood there, waiting for pat to look at him and then when pat did, he let all his disappointment and anger flood into his expression. and i saw this and thought wow, that's one of the loudest displays of haq he's expressed over pat until now. he knows what he's doing, he knows this is going to hurt pat and he does it w that exact intention. (also does anyone else think this kinda looks like an owner reprimanding their dog?) its not smth he would do w wai, or anyone else in his life. its smth only pat is allowed, only pat is allowed to see how profoundly disruptions upset him, only pat is allowed inside his head.

this scene makes it clear that the way pran and pat treat each other is no longer 'friendly'. here, we're explicitly shown the haq pran's granted his friends over him, and that doesn't extend to oversharing. yet, pat's allowed that. pran would never tell his friends if and when they hurt or frustrate him, but he's stopped hiding the same from pat when pat chased him to the new dorm insisting he should move instead. pat may be the one who crosses the line when helping pran out w the bus stop, but its pran who first muddles it by avoiding pat to express how mad he is. later again, its pran who dissolves that line completely by reaching across and asking pat if he's had dinner.

back to the fight scene: earlier, when pat waited out for him, told him to 'come here' in front of wai, that too was a display of haq, of the authority he felt over pran. and pran followed. pran obeyed, moved towards him, was only stopped by wai. that's why i said: none of the entitlement they feel towards the other is overstepping, they only exercise the rights they're certain they've been handed. when pat says 'come here', he's one hundred percent sure pran will. he knows he's different from wai, that he's special, that he's someone pran could choose over wai. and so its a petty move. its such a petty thing to use the secret privilege pran entrusted him w in a moment of drunken jealousy, and pat regrets it soon.

but pran's the one who upset the balance first. by playing that song. their song. where most of the haq they feel over each other is abstract, this is the one thing put in cement. that song is one rope fastening pat to pran's side - the other being the guitar - which he's been using to steadily climb the peak pran stands on. he'd expected pran to be waiting for him above, as eager to help him up as pat is to reach him. but pran played that song with others, with wai, and abandoned that post, uncaring if pat were to fall. and pat fell. he fell, fractured his bones, and would still plow past the sharp ache had it been pran alone. bc that pain dulls, disappears, in pran's presence. but faced with wai, with pran's hurtful pretenses, with pran prioritizing wai in that moment, his resentment overflows, pushes him to hurt pran in the same manner. 'that lousy song', he calls the very first song pran wrote, the song pran poured his heart and soul into, the song he's recently realized might have been about them. and he does it, he breaks pran. now, pran's got a shattered heart to match pat's splintered bones.

then, on the rooftop, pat asks him why he played the song. pran doesn't answer him, denies the haq in his demand. telling pran he didn't like it was another haq he'd assumed. and here, pran realizes they've come too far. here, pran knows there's no pretending this is normal or friendly anymore, bc wth they're not even friends. here, he knows if he lets this continue, pat will continue to treat him like a lover while telling him he likes some other girl. so here, pran tries to build a final iron wall, and asks pat smth he shouldn't be able to answer: 'why are you doing this to me? who are you assume those rights over me?' except pat's figured it out at last. his feelings, his love. so, he recognizes what pran's doing, panics, and blurts his truth. vomits out his feelings to try and soil the line pran's drawing.

yeah and then we saw how that went. well, after that, these vague figures of their haq finally come into sharp focus during ep 6. this was the ep everyone praised pat for his respect of boundaries, but that was really always there. pat is smart and perceptive, and pran is the subject he's spent his whole life studying. ofc he'd understand when pran means business and when he's bluffing. so when pran used to push pat put of his room, they both knew his efforts were half-hearted (ofc he'd want his crush in his room, no matter how afraid he is of losing control). although pat doesn't take him srsly at first, he does respect his decision in the end. now, when pran tells him he doesn't want to talk about their kiss, pat knows he's serious, so he immediately shifts the subject.

and last about their bet? even if before these two were subconsciously dancing around the boundaries of romance and friendship, with the bet on, there's no hiding behind denial anymore. still, this is a new territory they're trudging along. esp pat, who's new to the discovery of his own feelings, who doesn't know where pran is mentally, and doesn't know what he's allowed and what not.

pran realizes this soon enough the next morning, when pat uses that kindergarten technique of 'i won't give you my snacks unless you become my bf'. and pran - who's spend years fantasizing about this very thing, who has an idea of the depth of pat's feelings - demolishes the last wall. the finger-lick is pran telling pat where they stand now, both giving and assuming every haq of a lover. and he does it so confidently bc pat's already given him that haq the night before, when he didn't refute pran's accusation of harboring a crush on him.

('fine', he says. 'let's compete then.' instead of the outright way pran had denied his crush. bc never lying to his lover is the haq pat would give them, is what pat gives pran from here on. pran continues to lie bc he has yet to give pat the same regard.)

yeah and this is before they start dating. before pran's ready to jump into a relationship. but he's already given pat every right only a boyfriend would hold over him: calling him to his room to fix his printer, cooking his favorite dish for him, letting pat stay over whenever he wants (like how he'll always return every loving act, every courageous one pat's done for him). when pat makes that unreasonable demand of bringing nong nao over to his room, pran can't refuse him bc this is the haq he's given to pat.

asking someone for help or assistance is smth that requires a truckload of pran's spirit. but pat's someone who just wants to do things for him all the time, and when pran sees that requesting help from pat is also pleasing him, asking pat becomes easy. for someone who's had to shoulder responsibility for every other person in his life, its delightful. to be loved by someone who gets giddy about lifting his loads for him, who's contentment comes from making him happy. that's what makes the printer scene so significant, why pat's eyes shift when pran tells him he wants pat to do this for him. pran gifts him that knowing how important it is to him, later uses the same knowledge against him in that scene w wai (when he asks wai to unscrew his bottlecap for him).

most importantly, he lets pat see his every emotion now, presents him full transparency. we see him let pat in freely into his room, but that was a right pat already had - pran's only hesitation was bc of his feelings. but before where pat's rights extended barely to getting a glimpse of pran's hurt, after which he would be firmly pushed away, now pran allows him to see how upset he truly is, allows pat to alleviate his mood. like a lover would.

and now pat returns that favor, smth he's never done before. pat's never let pran see him hurt before, but now bc he, too, has granted pran every haq of a lover, when he's wounded or mad, he lets it show. after the wai-guitar thing, he waits for pran to return, shows pran every aching emotion that flits across his face, later allows pran a chance to appease him when he's called to the rooftop. although, then, he knew pran probably didn't know why he was so mad, so he's sure pran's calling him for smth he needs. going anyway is bc pran has that haq over him.

these two rooftop scenes also parallel each other. each time it was wai who drove a wedge btw them, not by simply existing, but by stealing a fragment of their lives pat firmly believed was theirs and theirs alone. the song was theirs and only pat had any haq over it, till wai came in. by keeping that guitar safe w him for years, pat assumed haq over it, which was again snatched away by wai. the first time, after wai's exited, it's pran who waits for pat to look at him, so pat can see how he's hurt him, before leaving him behind. this time, it's pat who waits for pran to return, shows him his pain then shuts him out. both times it's the rooftop pran turns to, first to get away, second to fix things. and both times pat arrives later, first to explain himself, next on pran's request.

the reason the whole guitar situation wasn't resolved explicitly onscreen was bc there was no need for it to. pat's hurt and upset came from his insecurities about his place in pran's life. he understands nonverbal implications enough to know he can do this and that w pran, bc these two know each other that well. but he's the kind of person that needs blunt, verbal confirmations about where he stands in someone's life. and that pran's attempted confession gives him. ik he's hurt pran tried to use smth so personal as a winning card against him, but he's also relieved, bc pran's disclosed he definitely wants pat to be his boyfriend. pran wants him. and that's what pat needed to know.

another thing done in ep 7 was how they finally gave us clear context to pranpat's dynamics. like we understand that pran doesn't fully mean it when he pushes pat out of his room, or that he'd be happy to let him stay if it wasn't at the risk of his feelings burgeoning, but it still seemed rude of pat to neglect his pleas and saunter past his protests. ep 7 showed us that sometimes when pran or pat verbally retracted the other's haq, they would contradict themselves louder w their actions.

like this:

and this:

a bit more on the former: its never been flashed boldly onscreen, just mixed in naturally, but food is pran's love language. food is a large part of our cultures honestly, and ensuring someone's stomach is full articulates ur love more blatantly than the words 'i love you'. so when in ep 4 pran asks pat if he's eaten, it is a huge leap. thanks to nanon's acting, with how nervous pran looked about it, everyone interpreted it as such.

then in ep 5, pran lets pat have his sandwich. and i'm positive it was meant for pat. handing it to pat himself, so pat would know he made it for him would literally be the same as saying 'i'm in love w you', so obv pran puts on a show. but he's been up for a while, he's eaten. this was for pat.

again in ep 7, where both of them kind of know pat's the one who'll likely give up (pat relenting first was always part of their dynamic), when he calls pat over and cooks for him, he's genuinely surprised pat didn't cave. later when he goes over to pat's room with food and drinks, you could argue he was planning to play the same game, but he'd cooked enough for both pat and pha; he didn't intend to take it back this time. also in the last scene, the curry must have been cooked by pran. what pran's saying in that first scene entails both cooking and feeding. cooking for pat (and pha) must have been smth he'd already been doing.

and the latter: pat here has already caved in, and then tells pran it's smth he'd do for his 'lover' as if he hasn't already forsaken the bet, as if its still on - just in case pran isn't ready yet (bc the bet itself was for pran to adjust). 'letting his lover win' and acts of services are pat's love languages, thou the former is entirely pran-orientated. ofc for someone so competitive, relenting willingly to someone else is a huge deal, thou this has already been part of their dynamic since the watch scene in their childhood (and pran is the only competition capable of driving him). first it was out of gratitude, then it was out of guilt; but somewhere in between a more concrete reason blossomed: love. (it was also partly bc of their parents' dynamics.)

yielding is one thing, going out of his way to fix things for pran is another. conceding was smth he'd always done for pran, long before he fell in love, and although he says 'lover' in that scene, he v specifically means pran. bc this is a haq reserved uniquely for pran (like how this rivalry is unique to them. he didn't have a frenzied rivalry w any other love interest, so who else would he eagerly relent to as an act of love). the latter was smth that resulted only from his romantic interest in the other. pat cutting a pick out of his id card for pran, pat going to extreme lengths to help pran w the bus stop, pat begging the prof to let them back into the competition bc he knows pran wanted badly to participate, pat keeping his guitar polished for 3 years, pat following him to a rural beachside surrounded by the enemy state, pat continuing the play despite fearing his father's wrath: all of it was bc he was that deeply in love.

this diff is enunciated best in the first 4 eps. where first pat was unwilling to back off from his fight w wai, he later forces his friends to delete that video and manipulates them into helping w the bus stop. where earlier pat was visibly reluctant about shifting even as he offered to switch dorms (bc this was more out of guilt than love), he later gives pran his earphones w/o ever planning on taking them back (more out love than guilt).

anyway there's no purpose to this lol. i just wanted to rant about pranpat and the haq they'd assumed over each other long before the began dating bc i thought it revealed a lot about where they subconsciously intended their relationship to head down. haq is smth given only to those who play a pivotal role in your life, a loved one, a cherished friend. it's the way we daily say 'i love you' without words, it's how we continuously express our gratitude. and it's not smth enemies or even strangers can hold. pran and pat were told not to befriend each other, but gave the other every haq of a friend at age ten. when they found a safe ground to nurture their budding friendship in the dorms (and a shorter period in high school), the flower it blossomed into was that of romantic love, and it didn't come to either as much of a shock. like they'd known it was already destined, like it made sense to them that this is where they were headed. what they said about about going from two ppl who couldn't be friends to two ppl who couldn't be just friends was true.

[ditttiii]

Finding Me Through You (Part 2)

A Jungkook x Reader Two-shot

Genre: Angst // comfort (soft) // romance // strangers to friends to lovers // a hybrid AU // college AU // 

Warnings: maybe a curse word?

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 4929 for the series. 3400 for this part.

PART ONE (1)

Summary:   You lose yourself to the feeling of having the man you love, kiss you and it feels like a homecoming. It feels like having the stars align perfectly, it feels like having your world tilt back on its axis. It feels like magic, joy—love.

OR

Jeon Jungkook. The campus heartthrob. Captain of the football team. High School Prom King. Teacher’s favourite. Student body favourite. Anyone, and everyone’s favourite. This is the story of how you went from strangers to best friends to finally lovers and if in the way you somehow found yourself? well that was just a bonus.

Nearly six months have passed since you first met Jungkook. You were still a little shy and quiet, but with Jungkooks' help and his constant support and soft reassurances, you had slowly started to come out of your shell. You were in no way shape or form anything like Jungkook was, but you also weren't the doormat that you used to be, and for that you were thankful. 

You hear the sound of approaching footsteps and before you can turn to take a look, an arm is suddenly over your shoulders pulling you closer into someone's side.

You let out a quiet 'umph' and push your hair back from your eyes, craning your neck up and shooting a glare as your eyes catch that of your best friends. 

Jungkook in response only grins wider, ruffling your hair as his hand finds its way to your scalp. With a squeal, you duck and try to push him away, the sound of your laughter ringing in the air like wind chimes in a breeze. 

"Stop! Kook, I swear—Eeepppp!" Your warning is cut off as Jungkook moves his hand from your shoulders to your waist and pulls you closer. Your body slams into his and the breath gets knocked out of you from the impact. You blush as you feel his solid, corded muscles from even under the layers of both your hoodies. 

It was no secret that your best friend was hot—ridiculously hot, you have always known that. Even in the past when you two had been barely acquaintances at best and strangers at worst, you knew he was hot. But the only difference between now and then was that you didn't care before. However, now as you feel his warmth seep into you from between the layers of your clothes, you can't not care. You avert your eyes from his and scratch your ear, casually pulling your strands free from behind where they were tucked and create a curtain of hair over your flaming red cheeks. 

You hear Jungkook laugh at your attempt at ignoring him and feel as he leans down to leave a soft peck on your head. The feel of his full, soft, lips tangible, and real even through the many strands of hair in between.

Sometimes you think Jungkook is the best thing that has ever happened to you, while other times you think your friendship is like a rose, lined with thorns unseen from a distance. Thorns that were your feelings for him, the same feelings which while you couldn't see in the past, now you were fully aware of. The constant prick of them is a presence in your heart both comforting and not.

"What's your next class?" You ask in an attempt to distract him and his attention away from you. It works as you see Jungkook tilt his head to the side and squint into the distance. Deep in his thoughts, as he tries to remember his schedule. 

You think it's unfair how good looking your best friend is, how ridiculously, unfairly good looking he is. His eyes, a soft shade of brown that are always warm when looking back into yours, are big and doe-like, forever curious and inviting. Sometimes, you think if you look into them long enough you'll drown in their depths. You'll drown and never find your way back and then you wouldn't want to because you like being lost more, and—that, That scares you. 

It scares you so much because you have never felt so strongly before. So powerfully that, it's like every single cell in your body calls out for Jungkook, longs for his presence more than it wishes for water or air. Your feelings have never been so consumingly deep—true and as your eyes track the way your best friend's lips move as he talks, you think maybe you never will again. Not after him.

And somewhere deep in your heart, something twinges painfully at the realization that this is it for you. You will forever be that girl in love with her best friend, the one whose love was, in the end, left unreciprocated. 

You snap your gaze away from Jungkook and to the hallway in front of you, as your eyes burn with repressed unshed tears. Tears that you will never let fall, because you would rather choose death over letting Jungkook feel guilt for your feelings.

However, as his hand makes its way back to your waist, the burn grows stronger, the sting in your throat, sharper as you try to ignore the way your heart races, the way the skin under his hand tingles and instead fake a laugh, forcing a normal facade over your longing heart as you continue to pretend like every second of having him close but not yours wasn't slowly killing you. 

You groan as you shift your bag higher up your shoulders, the strain, an annoyance that you hadn't expected to feel in college. 

'What's the point of passing out from high school if the textbooks are just going to get thicker and more unbearable?' You think to yourself as you make your way across the campus, to your next class. 

As you walk by the cafeteria on your way, from the corner of your eyes you see a group huddled around the edge of the cafeteria. You raise your eyebrows when you see just who is in the centre of that group.  

'Ha Rin' your brain supplies in helpfully and you slow your steps, curious to see what Jungkook's ex-girlfriend has been up to, since their breakup last week. They hadn't dated for too long, maybe two weeks. When you look back at it, you don't think that in the time that you have known Jungkook, you have ever seen him date anyone for more than a month. 

It was something that confused you at the start, the boy who had stepped up to defend you— a virtual stranger, was actually a player? It had been months since that realization on your part and while you have slowly come to accept that dating was just Jungkooks’ way of living, it always caught you a little by surprise hearing about another one of his breakups. 

In some ways, it was a reminder that he would pick every other single girl in college before he'd ever consider dating you, and 'Even then he'll probably choose not to date instead', you think annoyed and a little jealous. 

You don't have to look too hard to see what Jungkook must have seen in her. She was undeniably gorgeous, her hair was long and lustrous, her smile wide and beaming. It wasn't hard to see why most guys in your college wanted her, while most girls wanted to be her. You look at the way she throws her head back when she laughs and feel a stab of jealousy run through you at the realisation that, no you'll never be that graceful. 

Tamping down the green, ugly feeling in your stomach, you move to walk away from the group. Hurrying past the group in the cafeteria, you walk as quickly as you can to your next class, but before you can leave the cafeteria, you catch a part of their conversation that makes you pause. 

"—ugh, seriously I don't know who Jungkook thinks he is but I would never let a guy cheat on me and then continue to date me. I mean can you believe the audacity of that guy, sleeping around with other girls while he's in a relationship with me?! No wonder he's as popular as he is, whoring around through half the college will obviously do that for you. He's honestly disgusting, and I am so glad I broke up with him coz like ugh, walking STD much?" 

Your eyes widen as you hear that and register the voice of the speaker as Ha Rin in your brain. Your hands' clench and your claws feel sharp, as your usual iron-clad hold over your anger slowly starts to slip, the more you hear her talk. 

She was talking—lying, about the man you were in love with, the man who had painstakingly taken care of you for the past six months, the man who had pulled you out from your own shadow, the man who had held you close and rocked you to sleep as your tears soaked through his shirt on nights when you couldn't even bring yourself to breathe through your tears and snot—too disgusted by your skin. 

Jungkook had made you fall in love with yourself, just as much as he had made you fall in love with him. Your best friend was many things, but a cheater he was not. 

Blinded by anger and fueled by your newly discovered protective instincts, you march over to their table. Your feet slap hard against the pavement and the sound of you walking, resounds through the cafeteria like an ominous warning before an approaching storm. 

-SLAM-

Your palm comes crashing down, over the surface of the table Ha Rin was sitting on as your gaze locks with hers. Her eyes widen and you lean in closer, the blood in your veins thrumming with anger and your breaths coming out in tiny angry huffs. Your hybrid instincts take over as they shift to protect what you consider family, and you let your eyes turn into slits, menacing, dark, and beyond furious. 

"I am sorry, I don't think, I heard you right, did you say Jungkook was a cheater?" You ask in a deceptively calm voice and the table under your hand creeks, as you lean in closer to her. Your lips pull back in a snarl as you ask that and you can practically sniff the fear oozing off her as your eyes track the movement in her throat, hear the sound of her gulping. 

While Ha Rin was gorgeous, stunning, and elegant in ways you would never be, you were strong, sharp, and lethal, in ways she—a gazelle hybrid would never be. 

You pause, watch her pupils shake, track the drops of perspiration across her forehead, and wait for her to answer. After a few minutes of stunned silence pass, you lean back a little as your eyes glance over everyone gathered. 

Once you are sure that everyone's attention is on you, you growl out, voice still low but not any less menacing, "Jeon Jungkook is not a cheater. Never was and never will be, and anyone pathetic and desperate enough, to be making up lies like that about him, will be answering to me, and I assure you that I won't be so nice next time."

For the first time ever as you leave a stunned, scared crowd behind in your wake, you feel proud. While you might never be Jungkooks' girlfriend, you were his best friend, and to you, that matters more in all the ways that count. 

Your face feels flushed and your legs feel like Jelly as you walk out of your last period class. Your sudden bout of bravery hadn't quite fully sunk in until you were sitting in your class surrounded by your classmates, most of whom were giving you varying looks ranging from scared, to awed, to impressed? 

This feeling of being seen is foreign to you. While your popularity has definitely soared ever since you had started hanging out with Jungkook, it was never because of you or anything you did. You were just Jeon Jungkooks’ best friend. 

But this time, it's different. 

People are looking at you, seeing you for who you are, and not just as someone's best friend. It is a novel, foreign feeling—one that you haven't felt before, but also one that when you think about it, you would like to feel more often.  

You let out a giggle as you think that, your cheeks still flushed, feel warm as you look up at the clear, blue sky. The late afternoon breeze feels cool on your skin as you stroll through the campus grounds, a mile-long grin stretched across your face.

"Y/N!!!"

Before you can turn to greet him back, he is slamming into you, and the breath leaves your body—again. 

"Dammit, Kook! You seriously need to stop doing that before you dislocate my spine, you freaking giant of a human" You playfully grumble as you push Jungkook away with a soft huff and push your hair back, wincing a little when your feet still feel a little unsteady. 

"Are you kidding me right now, woman?" You hear Jungkook speak and then you are in his arms, your feet off the ground as he holds you up high and all you can do is squeal in surprise. 

"The hell Kook! Put me down! What's gotten into you?" You question, your voice shrill and surprised as you wrap your arms around his neck. The thickly corded muscles of his shoulder feel bunched under your grip, and it takes every ounce of self-control that you have, to not blush.

You look down when he doesn't answer and freeze, too lost in your thoughts and worries about blushing, you hadn't noticed how close you two were before. 

But now as you look into Jungkooks’ twinkling, deep, brown chocolate eyes, see the small mole under his rosy lower lip, feel the small, warm puffs of his breath on your face, you realize just how close your faces are. 

Your breathing goes shallow as your eyes flicker all over his face, trying to capture every single detail—from the scar on his cheek to his fuller lower lip, you trace every single feature of his, your actions seemingly beyond your control. 

When your eyes finally snap back to his, you see him already looking back at you, his eyes soft and brimming with fondness, and you don't know—don't understand why.

"Wh-what is this about?" You ask softly, not wanting to break whatever spell has been cast, whatever bubble, the two of you have built. 

Jungkook hums, the sound coming from somewhere deep in his chest, echoing and flowing into you, from where you are pressed tight close to him.

His eyes search yours and yours shy away, flicker down to his throat where you see his Adam's apple bob, as he swallows and suddenly you feel parched. 

"You fought for me." He states, and your eyes snap back over to his. 

"Huh?" You reply back incoherently as your thoughts feel fuzzy and unclear, so close to him. 

"At the cafeteria, you fought with Ha Rin for me, defended my honour. Why? You don't like confrontations, why did you do it then?" Jungkook asks as he slowly lowers you back to the ground, your chests brush against each other, not a sliver of space between the two of you and your hands unconsciously grip his shoulders tighter, too afraid to let go and somehow lose this closeness. 

You try to think through the fog in your mind to find out what Jungkook is talking about. 

However, your remembrance of the scene from the cafeteria earlier serves as a bucket of ice-cold water being poured over you, and you are snapping back to reality, stumbling away from him as your cheeks flush and your heart races. You suddenly wish to run far, far away. Avoid this conversation, as all your bravado from earlier slips and flows down the metaphorical drain, leaving you feeling vulnerable, naked. 

'Stupid. Stupid! How are you going to explain that, you idiot?' your panicked brain supplies before continuing, 'As if having feelings for your best friend wasn't bad enough already, now him and probably the entire university knows about it too.' 

You try to create some distance between the two of you, but before you can move too far Jungkooks’ hand wraps around your wrist and pulls you closer to him. Your sweaty, cold hand leeches away at his warmth as you try not to make eye contact with him, your hope is to be subtle, but you don't think you are.

"Hey, listen to me," He says and grabs your chin softly, turning your face closer to him as his thumb absently rubs over the cleft in your chin. The feel of his calloused thumb over the soft skin of your chin has your face bursting in colour as your pulse rises embarrassingly fast.

You try to mumble out a 'yes', but it sounds incoherent even to your ears, and so you clear your throat and try again, voicing out a soft 'yeah' instead. It isn't much of an improvement, but you also can't bring yourself to articulate better and so you just force your eyes to meet Jungkooks’ and hope that he understands.

Thankfully, he does and then proceeds to take the lead. 

"Hey, it's alright okay? I am not mad or angry or whatever it is that you think I am feeling in that head of yours" He says, tapping your temple softly to emphasise his point and then continues, "I think what you did today was brave, admirable and badass!" At this he grins and gives you a little shake until you finally let out a smile off your own slip and snort out a soft "dork" under your breath.

"I am proud of you." 

Your eyes soften as you hear that and you feel your eyes burn again with unshed tears. 

You let your eyes lock with Jungkooks and feel as his grip over your chin loosens and both his hands, travel to your cheeks, finally curling around your jaw and cradling your face, his fingers slipping behind your ears and softly caressing the sensitive skin there.

The feel of his hands splayed over your skin like that, so soft, so gentle—as though you are an invaluable porcelain doll, has tears springing to your eyes. 

Tiny, warm, tear droplets pool out of your eyes and slip down your cheeks. 

The sight of your tears has Jungkook tightening his grip on you, his face inching closer to yours as your hands find their way to his hoodie, grasping the material and fisting it. 

"I love you," You tell him, tired of keeping your feelings to yourself, you finally let them out. Let your lips form the words, your heart feels every time he is close to you, every time he looks at you as though you are his entire world. 

Maybe you are deluding yourself, imagining things you want, wishing for things that aren't there. But as you look back into Jungkooks’ eye, see them still softened, warm, gentle and brimming with love, you think maybe you're not. Maybe, just maybe, your best friend is in love with you too. 

You inch closer, hesitant but assured by the knowledge that Jungkook hadn't yet pushed you away either. 

You move an inch and Jungkook moves two, the two of you closing the space between together. Symbolic of how your relationship works, how the two of you always stand for each other, protecting, caring—loving, the other. 

Your lips touch his and the first caress, leaves a shiver down your spine. The feel of his full, soft lip is like paradise between your lips. The feeling, everything that you had hoped, dreamed of and more. 

His arms wrap around your waist and bring you closer until there isn't a hairsbreadth of space between you two.Your lips move against each other, full of pecks, soft bites, tongue, lust and love.

Pulling back away from you, he looks into your eyes and you no longer see a boy or a man. No, you see your entire world, your rock, the being your very soul is in love with. 

And then he says, "I love you too" and it's perfect. This moment the two of you have created—magical, surreal, beautiful and oh so perfect. 

You laugh and it comes out sounding wobbly. You think you might be crying but then you look at Jungkook and he is crying, and you think it's okay, and then you kiss him again. Your cheeks touch and his tears mix with yours and it feels like nirvana. 

You lose yourself to the feeling of having the man you love, kiss you and it feels like a homecoming. It feels like having the stars align perfectly, it feels like having your world tilt back on its axis. It feels like magic, joy—love.

A/N: 💖

[headoverjojo]

I'm so happy you're back but indeed what's most important rn is for you to take it easy and do what's best for you, please, don't put any unnecessary pressure on yourself🥺💞! If your requests are officially open, would you be interested in writing a wholesome college AU scenario with and an art major s/o and Risotto (whatever you'd think he'd may major in😳)?

Hi there, darlings! Since the requests were really similar, I’ve done one scenario for both! I hope it’s not disappointing :c This said, here we go! I hope you’ll like it :3 

Italian University AU: Risotto Nero falls in love with a fellow (art) student

(Under the cut for length!)

Y/N rolled their eyes, when their friend reminded them again that they had to go out with a group of friends from Law, that afternoon. It wasn’t like Y/N didn’t like to go out with their friends -it was pleasant, especially when they did it just for fun and not for studying-, but, well… they felt a little awkward to do it with people they didn’t know. Yes, those types of meetings were the perfect chance to actually make new friends, but still… they didn’t feel totally comfortable. Well, they thought, sighing, they just have to endure and it would have been finished soon. At least, they hoped so.

They arrived at the university’s cafeteria just in time; the Law group was already there, and they loudly welcomed them. Y/N was surprised by their welcoming warmth, and hope peaked again in their mind. Maybe it would have been a nice afternoon, all in all…

Well, it was a false hope. Soon, they found themselves in a corner, stirring their coffee and staring at the sweet brown cream on the top. They knew they shouldn’t have come…

“You’ve been dragged here too?” a low and deep voice made them almost jolt. They turned around, surprised, seeing that one student from the Law group was sitting next them. His hair was white, and their eyes… red? It was a dark red, but it was unmistakably red. How in the world…?

“Ah. It’s a genetic defect. It creeps out many people.” he explained, noticing where they were watching. Y/N averted their eyes, embarrassed to have been caught red handed. They were really messing up that conversation, weren’t they?

“My name’s Risotto. What’s yours?” they turned around again, feeling, despite the deep embarrassment, quite… soothed. His voice and stance, so relaxed yet confident, were calming them.

“So, Y/N… someone’s got your attention, uh?” Y/N’s friend teased them,  and they huffed, blushing a little. Well, that was true… but it wasn’t a big deal! They were just friends! Friends who shared a course! Nothing more!

“I… Y/N. My name’s Y/N.” they smiled, and Risotto’s lips too bent a little, softening his serious face.

It was strange, but they felt at ease all the time they had talked to him. Y/N even laughed, listening to Risotto’s stories about few of his professors, and they enjoyed telling him about their art projects and studies. Risotto listened quietly and intently, and he seemed interested for real. It made their heart flutter.

“He’s a nice guy. Nothing more.” Y/N grumbled, picking up their book to study for the upcoming exam.

The next day, now that they knew they shared the Anthropology course, they sat next to each other. It was nice not to be all alone… and they could enjoy his warmth. In fact, his body radiated so much heat that Y/N didn’t even need to take their coat on, as they usually did. Soon, they took the habit to lay a little on his shoulder, to absorb even more warmth and, even if they never told it aloud, to enjoy his company. They also took the habit to study together, if they hadn’t any other lesson in the afternoon, wherever they happened to be: a bar, if they were lucky in a study room, on the university’s terrace, in an empty classroom, even sitting on the stairs. They were inseparable.

Shifting from friendship to a romantic relationship was smooth and gradual. As they grew more familiar, everyone around them started to bet on when they would have finally understood that they liked each other. It was so evident! They always searched for each other even when they were going out with the whole group, they playfully teased each other, Risotto’s friends swore that they had never seen him being so relaxed and at ease around someone, and the way they looked at each other… it was like they were gazing at the most bright and beautiful thing in the whole cosmos.

“Tomorrow’s our last lesson together…” Y/N grumbled, sighing. They never said it aloud, but they were a bit scared that, seeing each other less, their relationship would have crumbled. Risotto looked at them, gently closing his textbook, and leaned on his elbows, staring at them in the eyes. They pouted, perfectly knowing what he was doing: his eyes seemed to dig deep into everyone’s soul, and this usually lead the other to spill every kind of secret.Y/N saw its effect on someone else, but this was the first time he did it with them. Clearly, he had smelled that something had bothered them for a while.

“I know what you are doing…” they muttered, crossing their arms. Risotto’s lips bent in a small smile that immediately warmed his eyes too, and shaked his head a little, without tearing his eyes from theirs. It was almost unsettling how he could manage not to blink for such a long time…

“Hm? I’m doing nothing, Y/N. I’m just listening to you.” he replied, with a calm tone  that made them huff again. Ah, that innocent façade…!

“You stare into someone’s eyes when you want them to spill their secrets!” they complained, making him chuckle. The innocent façade didn’t fall down, and he even slid a hand over them, gently caressing the back of theirs.

“So? Then, there’s something that you’d like to say?” he asked, gently. Y/n sighed, with a small pout. It was a silly fear… but, well, he knew that they were mulling over something, so keeping it a secret wasn’t a great idea…

“It’s nothing, just a silly fear…” they tried to minimize, but his eyes grew serious once again, losing the previous playfulness.

“If something scares you, it’s not silly. Let’s see if we can deal with it together, hm?” Y/N almost felt their eyes sting, hearing his soft words. He really wanted to help… they took another deep breath, gathering the will to speak. He deserved to know…

“Well… I’m afraid our relationship might… get ruined, if we don’t see each other that often for the course. I don’t want it.” they whispered, averting their eyes from his face. They heard his chair scratching the floor of the study room, and soon they felt his warmth right near them. They closed their eyes, when he kissed their temple and then their cheek, before resting his forehead on their hair.

“I did not fall in love with you because we frequented the same course. And when we don’t do it, I won’t stop to love you. Understood, amore?” he said, with a steady and relaxing voice. Y/N smiled a little, interweaving their fingers with his, feeling way lighter, as if a weight had been pulled off their shoulders.

“Understood. You’ll have to bear with me for a long time, then.” Risotto chuckled at their words, and kissed again their cheek, before looking at their current art project.

“So, you said you needed help… let’s do it, shall we?” Y/N smiled, nodding, and took their tools, way happier than before. Yes, he was right… it would have been all fine, in the end.

[theblasianbarbie]

Hey amira I hope this isn't too personal but how did you start feeling comfortable about getting into relationships while dealing with depression? I've been dealing with depression since I was 16 and it's so hard to just even think about dating bc I still have suicidal ideations I don't want to hurt others or myself since I have years trying to heal. Dating is not one of my priorities rn but I worry that I'll always push everyone away in fear of getting hurt

tbh looking back on it like i deff didnt start dating until i was able to find a way to cope with my mental illness if that makes sense like i would /talk/ to boys like when i was 18-20 but like i never let anything get serious bc the boys were stupid lol and also this was always on the back of my mind like i definitely was always worried, even when it came to friends, how they’d feel once they saw the side of me that wasnt all jokes and fun.

i think one of the dangers of dating when youre not in the proper headspace is lashing out on the person and i havent done this with men ive had flings with from what i remember but ive done it to a few friends before. another danger is kinda like...idk like when i was really bad like 18/19 like i was upset when ppl didnt wanna be my friend anymore and looking back on it now, i definitely like now know why like its hard being friends with someone who refuses to see the good in themselves, like it’s draining to help someone who doesnt want it. like me now, having experience with people who were like me when i was 18/19 i definitely get why some friendships ended bc it has to be a two way street--you have to want to get better, you have to want to understand yourself and be nice to yourself and your friends/partner needs to understand your mental health as well and you have to communicate about it and talk about how to effectively work together so neither of you feel isolated from each other.

if you havent already, i highly recommend going to a therapist to aid you in like effectively confronting your mental illness. like i didnt really get involved in anything serious now that i think about it until i actually looked inside myself and like began to sort things out. granted, this is all easier said than done, like 6 years ago i probably wouldnt believe i would make it this far in regards to my mental health, my experience with romantic endeavors, and so on.

my depression and anxiety were awful when i was 15/16, so...it took me 6 years to get this confident and to believe myself to be beautiful and intelligent and worth it. it took me 6 years to stop being mean to myself. That’s a long time. But its all baby steps and like...like i said, 16 year old amira wouldnt have thought she’d make it past 19. Like right now im doing things i didnt think id be capable of doing--simple things, like going around without makeup, riding the train by myself, going to concerts by myself, INITIATING conversation (that was always a big one for me, it was so hard for me when i started college), etc. etc. It takes a long time but after a while, you’ll notice how much progress you’ve made

[silvacentric-archive]

so, idk, i need to write a thing, why i remade, what's goin on with me, yadda yadda

long read, but i'd appreciate if friends in particular would read it, but anyone's welcome.

okay so like. we all know i have a fucky home situation. my mom is extremely controlling, i dropped out of high school and am without a GED, lol @ college.

the problem was, i sorta...gave up on trying to get out, along with my lifelong fear/reluctance to grow up. I stopped fighting my mental health issues, let them take over while complaining about them. i developed a really lazy We're All Gonna Die So I Might As Well Ignore Responsibilities And Have Fun At All Times.

i stopped putting effort into my closest, oldest friendships, too, making excuses left and right about it being harder because we're older, but not trying and just talking to friends that were easier to get ahold of. hell i even stood up one friend repeatedly, mostly on accident but i still could have tried harder to remember.

then??? jesus christ i got involved in fandom shit again. like, yes, marginalized fans deserve better treatment from both fellow fans and the franchises themselves, but what is me arguing with 14 yos on others' posts gonna accomplish? what the fuck was i thinking. good god i'm 23 years old, not 15.

but all this, i was -- am -- acting exactly like the kind of people i can't STAND online? people who do nothing but make excuses for their mental health, who make no time for people they say they care about, starting drama all the fucking time?

i saw this happening, i knew, but i didn't do jack till i got scared i was going to lose a friend i care deeply about. even then, i acted like a dumb kid, avoiding the topic, getting mad at them, not taking responsibility for my actions.

i had to ask, after another awkward conversation and being PROMPTED to, and be told the EXACT THINGS I THOUGHT WERE WRONG but had done nothing about.

all in all, it just all hit me at once how i really don't like this person I've become, and how i need to fuckin change.

obviously, remaking is something i do when i need a fresh start. plus it gives me a chance to clean up, unfollow folks if i have to, etc.

in addition to this, i'm making an effort to better my life and re-prioritize it.

I already have done more studying in a week towards my GED than i have since i dropped out, and soon i plan to work on funding it.

i will also work on my license when i get the manual online again. same thing, will work on funding.

i'm working on doing more art too, brushing up my redbubble, art blog, art twitter, art IG. its my main skill and best source of income at the moment. i aim to get some commission info up ASAP, like really, so i can start working towards those tests.

also looked at colleges; this is something i'm a little overwhelmed with, but i'll figure something out soon.

i'm working on figuring out how to spend more time with my older, formerly closer friends especially, honestly i think we'll have to schedule time together but hey, its a start right?

homewise...its still. ugh. still... complicated. i'm hoping by showing more maturity she lets me do more, but barring that, we're looking at townhomes to rent and most don't have alarm systems.

i also am gonna look into online banks for the time being, so that if i need to nab an uber/lyft etc or anything else, i can use my paypal money.

now, this is a long term kind of thing, but. i've had half these plans for awhile, and if i don't act on them, i never will. I... don't wanna be the person i've been. that's the worst side of me. i wanna be better, and i will.